weekend open thread – November 6-7, 2021

by Alison Green on November 6, 2021

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: The Buddha in the Attic, by Julie Otsuka. Told in the first person plural, these are the stories of a group of Japanese women who came to America as brides after World War I. Short and powerful.

 I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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{ 1,397 comments }

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  1. WoodswomanWrites*

    My ancient carpeting had a lot of stains. I had it professionally cleaned. I’m chemically sensitive and wanted to use something environmentally friendly, so I had it cleaned using Oxifresh. Alas, as often happens with carpet cleanings, I’m noticing a few spots starting to reappear about three months later. There’s no question that overall it still is way better than before, and I want to keep it that way. Any suggestions for treating the spots? As a renter, I can’t replace the carpeting.

    3. Joie De Vivre*

      Simple Green is an enzyme cleaner that may be able to get out grease and biological stains

      Anti-icky poo is an enzyme cleaner for pet stains.

      I’m sensitive to smells and can tolerate both cleaners. But ymmv.

        1. Joie De Vivre*

          I’ve used it on clothing and on fabric car seats and it didn’t. But that is a good point, if you decide to try it, test it in an inconspicuous place first.

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          Yes, I used it once and had the same response. It’s a challenge with most cleaners–they typically have strong scents that cause my eyes to water and make me cough.

    4. Reba*

      I have a great carpet cleaner device that I use mainly for pet mishaps, a Bissell Little Green. They sell various cleaning liquids to go with them, and they publish all the ingredients and MSDS on their site. Some people also use DIY cleaning liquids.

      1. Love WFH*

        Nature’s Miracle enzymatic cleaner is astonishing on removing smells, and I’ve never had it discolor what I’ve used it on. You’re supposed to soak the carpet and the pad underneath, then let it dry slowly.

        1. Wombats and Tequila*

          I use Nature’s Miracle for pet stains and it works quite well. I’m not find of the smell, but it dissipates pretty quickly.

          Since smell is a kind of stain, Spray N Wash works pretty well also.

          For natural alternatives, try vinegar with water, which we have to use for our rabbit when he gets in the mood to overhang his fuzzy butt over the edge of his litter box, and that works well. You can also try hydrogen peroxide.

    5. Girasol*

      After we lost our elder cat, who had been making spots on the carpet when his food didn’t agree with him or he couldn’t remember where his cat box was, we cleaned the carpets really well. A couple months later some of the spots came back. I cleaned them with a Rug Doctor rented from the grocery and that did the trick. I used the usual cleaner but I imagine you could use one of the more natural alternatives suggested here and just use the Rug Doctor to be sure it gets well into the carpet and the dirty residue gets pulled out. The rental cost isn’t much.

    6. Edwina*

      I have exactly the same situation. I read somewhere that what’s happening is there’s a little residue of the soap left behind and that’s what attracts the dirt. The key is to rinse and rinse and rinse. (Of course, who has time for that?) But you might try cleaning one of the spots and this time rinsing as thoroughly as you can? Just a thought.

      1. Carol the happy elf*

        We were going on a vacation once, and Husband decided to do that. He used the Rug doctor, with Folex (I love that stuff, it got red lipstick smears- from my toddlers- out of several square feet of carpeting) and then he ran it with a bit of vinegar in the rinse, about 3 times. It took forever to do, but when we got home, the carpeting was perfect.

  2. acmx*

    Wow, a book recommendation I’ve read! And enjoyed. (I don’t typically read the family/people dramas).

    What’s everyone else reading?

    I currently have Cone Fly With Me checked out but haven’t started it.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I was doing so well with my reading goals this year but lost momentum over the past few weeks. I’ve been watching the HBO adaptation of His Dark Materials so I’m thinking I might reread The Golden Compass to get myself motivated again

    2. Pam*

      Light From Uncommon Stars, by Ryka Aoki. A trans violinist, a desl with the devil, and a doughnut shop run by aliens. Amazing and heartwarming.

    3. Eden*

      Been devouring Le Guin books recently. Currently on Worlds of Exile and Illusion, first 2 down and City of Illusions still to go. She is just so dang good! It’s also inspired me to branch out a little more into SF so The Female Man is next (with maybe a fantasy romp break in between).

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        “Mudlarking: Lost and Found on the River Thames”
        It’s been a bad week, so I’m spending a little bit of time walking with Lara Maiklem. I’ve been allowing myself ever-smaller doses since getting it for Christmas 2019, but now is what I saved it for.

        1. Mudlark and Seaglass*

          Do you watch her Youtube channel? I find her soothing and her interest in clay pipes fun and there are some other mudlarks on Youtube. I also like the sea glass people as well.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        The Vanishing Half is great.

        Did Alison ever recommend it? I know she enjoys novels about complicated families.

      2. LouAnn*

        I loved the Vanishing Half. The themes of identity, escape, doubling fascinated me!
        I am reading A Gentleman in Moscow. So far it’s a gently beautiful
        descriptive tale where not much of import has happened—but I fear it will! I am also enjoying some quick read mysteries by Ruth Ware. I love British mysteries!

    5. JustForThis*

      A while back, I came across a Tamora Pierce appreciation thread in one of the weekend open threads, remembered that I had dearly loved her Alanna books as a kid (decades ago) and started reading one of her newer series. I loved it (partly because, to my surprise and utter delight, I “met” Alanna again as a grown woman), have since reread the original Alanna series and have read the Immortals, the Protector of the Small, the Circle of Magic, the Circle Opens, the Circle Reforged (all of these are four book series, so about 24 (short) novels in maybe six weeks?!), am now on the first Trickster book and realised yesterday, somewhat sad, that there are not that many books left for me to devour. This has been an intense, enormously pleasurable reading journey!

        1. JustForThis*

          I’ve never done such an extended reading spree with one author’s books before — it has been a really special few weeks. I want to thank everyone on the original Tamora Pierce thread very much indeed for guiding me towards her again. It felt like coming home.

      2. CaptainMouse*

        I love Tamora Pierce though I’m too old to have read her as a child and have read everything as an adult. Her Beka Cooper books take place much earlier in the timeline and are wonderful. Terrier is the first of three.

        1. JustForThis*

          I’m glad that there are still a few to look forward to. I don’t even know why her books have me so hooked, but I guess it’s a mix of childhood nostalgia and interesting characters in mostly (except for the antagonists) generous, loving, supportive relationships. I also think that the Alanna series, written in the 1980s, has held up surprisingly well with only very few passages that one would expect to be framed differently were it written now.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        “Tempests and Slaughter” was one of the few prequel novels I’ve truly enjoyed, and I’m watching for Numair’s book 2.

      4. TiffIf*

        If you are into fanfiction, there’s an excellent novel length one that takes place after Lady Knight (but has some spoilers for the Trickster’s duology so only read after). Lady Knight Volant by bracketyjack (on AO3).

    6. BBQHonk*

      Napoleon: A Life by Andrew Roberts. Nothing like a 900-page biography to curl up in bed with at the end of the day!

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Just finished the latest Donna Andrews bird mystery and the Six of Crows duology. Reading a Firefly-verse novel from the library (Life Signs) from a new series that seems to be based on the outline of the second season that didn’t happen.

      Also picked up “The Light Ages” on Medieval science, after the author was on You’re Dead To Me.

    8. Person from the Resume*

      I just finished Your House Will Pay by Steph Cha. Wow! I’d been avoiding because I thought it might be sad/depressing (because it’s about racism and violence on black people and injustice (BLM)) but I really enjoyed it. It actually ended up being hopeful but not unrealistically so.

    9. RussianInTexas*

      I just started The Hot Zone by Richard Preston, about the origins of the Ebola Virus and the Reston incident.
      It’s terrifying but engrossing. Planning on reading the other three books in the series (Dark Biology)
      Just finished a mystery book in the Tourist Trap series, and was not happy with it. The writing was just meh, and it was written from the first person, and that person was kind of obnoxious.

      1. matcha123*

        I remember reading that in 6th grade after a movie inspired by the book came out. Really interesting read. Although my elementary school librarian had a mini heart attack over the title when she saw me with the book…

    10. My Brain Is Exploding*

      “Reading While Black” by Esau McCaulley, a book about Black biblical interpretation. I’m one chapter in. It’s a bit too scholarly to be an easy read for me, but it has great content!

    11. the cat's ass*

      Am immersed in “Project Hail Mary.”by Andrew Weir, who also wrote the martian. Pretty good.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I haven’t read that one, but his Artemis is excellent too – it’s a heist caper in a lunar colony :)

      2. Sara*

        Ah, I missed this but I just finished it. Definitely immersing! I stayed up way way too late finishing it last night.

      3. TiffIf*

        I really enjoyed Project Hail Mary! I didn’t like Artemis, but adore The Martian.
        Project Hail Mary also has like the best ever telling/handling of a particular sci-fi trope that I have ever seen.

    12. Astoria*

      I just started Called out of Darkness: A Spiritual Confession by Anne Rice. I am aware that she ended up leaving the Catholic church over disagreement with some of its stances and the abuse scandal.

      I am interested in Christian conversion memoirs by former skeptics I have already read Mere Christianity.

      1. AlabamaAnonymous*

        Have you read the Case for Christ by Lee Stroebel? I don’t know if that quite fits what you’re looking for but I’ve heard it’s very good.

        1. Astoria*

          Thanks, that is the kind of thing I am looking for.

          I am open to exploring conversions to other religions as well.

        2. Lobsterman*

          I read it. It was a bizarre dichotomy; Stroebel was totally convinced, but his honesty in reporting his journey made it clear that his case was worthless. Very odd read.

        3. beentheredonethat*

          traveling mercies by anne lamott
          run baby run nicky cruz book
          Conversion by Malcolm Muggeridge
          What If It’s True?: A Storyteller’s Journey with Jesus Kindle Edition by Charles Martin
          Take This Bread A Radical Conversion By Sara Miles
          Enjoy

          1. Jackalope*

            Take This Bread was amazing and surprised me with how wonderful and thoughtful it was. I also like her other stuff.

      2. Dawbs*

        I don’t try to sell folks anything, but if conversion arguments are your bag, consider “letters from a skeptic’ by greg boyd.

        It was convincing to me 20 years ago. Less so now.

      3. Carol the happy elf*

        I love C.S. Lewis, and Narnia. For fictional stories of Christian conversion, they are amazing. “The Voyage of the Dawn Treader”, where Eustace needs Aslan to help him return to his original form is especially powerful.
        I also love reading Blaise Pascal. Pascal’s Wager made a big impression on me.

    13. Sara*

      I just finished the audiobook of “Project: Hail Mary” and loved it. Andy Weir’s maybe not to everyone’s liking but I think this one was better than “Artemis”. And has some definite similarities to “The Martian”, but goes deeper in terms of basically everything but especially character development. It doesn’t have the conceit of being mostly told through log recordings, so really allows more character exploration of the main character.

    14. GoryDetails*

      Several good ones recently, including:

      The Binding by Bridget Collins: a historical-fantasy-romance in which “books” consist of the mystically-transcribed memories of people who no longer want to remember (or who are coerced into giving or selling their memories on the darker side of the “binding” trade).

      Intrusions by Ursula Hegi: a novel about a woman who’s writing a novel, switching between the character’s scenes (which often get rearranged at the author’s whim) and the author’s own thought processes, including interruptions from spouse, children, and life in general. A very entertaining look at writing as it might appear to a working author.

      The World’s Strongest Librarian by Josh Hanagarne, a 6’7″ weight-lifter who’s also a working librarian – and who has Tourette syndrome. The book switches between “day in the life of a librarian” scenes and personal memoirs about his youth and adolescence.

    15. Jackalope*

      I’m reading Dread Nation by Justina Ireland. It’s the last book of 55 I have to read for a library competition and I’m enjoying it so far. I hadn’t been looking forward to it since I tend to dislike books set around the time of famous wars but it’s not as related to the war as I’d thought it might be.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I loved that one. I thought zombies were pretty done but her take was fresh and interesting. I recommend the follow-up book Deathless Divide, which jumps a few years forward. Over those years, the characters have changed and grown.

        I happened to be reading this book on January 6th, so the revanchist elements hit pretty hard.

    16. acmx*

      Turns out it’s actually titled Come Fly the World (but there’s a similar theme book called Come Fly with Me as it’s mentioned in this one).
      It’s okay. Interesting info but not all that coherently written.

  3. Anon and alone*

    To those with straight hair, do you ever curl it and, if so, how? I’ll go first.
    I use a variation on rag curls I found on YouTube. You start off with those $1 foam rollers, take the plastic out, and replace it with a strip of rag. The strip of rag is to hold the curler in place. It’s not too bad to sleep in.
    (The video title is DIY Comfy Rag Curl Rollers | Vintage Hair Chronicles with Vicky Bermudez) and I’m in the process of making curlers out of those foam sheets you can get in the dollar store (courtesy of “The Long-Haired Flapper”). If interested, I’ll let you know how they work.

    1. Pam*

      I gave up on curls as a kid. I was famous in my family for my picture day curls flattening out before I walked the three blocks to school.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I have this same hair. Around college, I gave up on trying to do anything other than “pin straight” as a loose hairstyle. (My daughter inherited her dad’s “straight but with body” hair and once tried to do something with my hair, and quickly concluded “You’re right, it doesn’t want to do anything.”)

      3. Lore*

        I had hair exactly like that until
        I was almost forty and then it started changing and now I have wavy-to-frizzy hair that I have no idea how to handle. It’s also gotten darker over the years and some days I feel like my hair has been replaced by aliens. I look in the mirror and barely recognize it!

      4. Anon and alone*

        I hear you on the stick straight hair. Up until the age of 10 I had long straight hair. Then it was cut for “medical reasons” which I’m still not clear on. For the longest while it wouldn’t hold even a wave, but now that I’m older (and maybe it’s thinned out) it holds a wave or curl better.

      5. TexasTeacher*

        Same. I even tried perms the 80’s but the front of my hair wouldn’t even keep a salon-done perm. Pitiful.

    2. allathian*

      Now that my hair’s long, it’s naturally wavy. I’ve never had the patience to curl it myself, although both of my grandmothers slept in their curlers… After I started earning my own money at 17, I had it permed a few times in my late teens and early twenties.

    3. Holiday Prep*

      Manes by Mell on YouTube has some delightful tutorials that I’ve used extensively during COVID. My hair is naturally curly but it doesn’t follow the rules of the curly girl method (sigh). I had my best results ever today by leaving in most of my regular conditioner (Leaf + Flower brand), just washing it out of the immediate root area, and then adding a handful of plain Pantene mousse and distributing throughout my hair. I curled and dried it all, used a touch of almond oil to break up the clumps and add shine, slept overnight in a satin bonnet, and woke up to Victoria’s Secret bombshell volume hair. Only took 18 months of experimenting lol.

      I have low porosity hair so it’s dang near impossible to get enough moisture in there. Especially in a dry climate. Leaving in my regular conditioner and just really squeezing it in helped it all absorb so my hair doesn’t look or feel weighed down.

      Curls are a journey so treating it like an experiment will hopefully keep it fun instead of frustrating. Good luck!

    4. Asenath*

      Never. Well, almost never. When I was a teenager, I went through a period when I longed to have curly hair, which to my mind was quite reasonable and not entirely a result of wanting what I couldn’t have, since some of my relatives had inherited curly hair. But mine was so determined to stay straight that all my efforts produced rather ugly curls that immediately went limp and flat. I suppose I could have gone for some kind of perm, but I didn’t have much money, and my mother, who might have funded it, was not in favour of perms for young girls on the grounds that they damaged the hair. The sister who had, to my envy, inherited the family curly hair hated it because it frizzed up whenever it rained or even got a bit damp. At least mine didn’t do that.

      1. Generic Name*

        I’ve noticed that the grass is always greener. Girls with straight hair want curls, and girls with curly hair long for straight hair.

          1. banoffee pie*

            Irish wave? lol I’ve never heard of that and I’m Irish. Is it kind of wavy, kind of straight? Maybe I have it without knowing. If I let my hair dry naturally it’ll be almost curly but not ringlet-y, but if I blow- dry it it’ll be kind frizzy and annoying. And it takes ages to straighten with sraighteners.

        2. Cimorene*

          Not always :) I have curly hair and I have always loved it. But I also have fine hair and loose curls to wavy ( no idea what curl type that is) so it’s also pretty manageable which helps.

      2. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        I envy you. My mom would put me in a headlock right before Easter and Christmas and inflict Grievous Smelly Perms on me all through my late childhood.

        1. Carol the happy elf*

          Oh, I remember that. Only it was Grandma, not Mom, and the headlock was serious business. Holiday hairdos, sausage curls, she called them, made with strips of rag about 3 feet long. I disliked the procedure and hated the effect, so in family photos, I looked like a demented little version of “Shirley Temple meets Chucky”.

    5. Meh*

      Stick straight hair of steel. It’s super long and needs a big chop (maybe 2 feet). I really want a chin length perm but I can’t find anyone in my area doing them (with picture results).

      The tube rollers that look like foam perm rods work for cold curling. They are terrible to sleep in though. I’d have good hair buy look a wreck! Heat curls just fall out and both dont last if there’s there’s whisper of humidity.

    7. londonedit*

      Nope, I also have straight hair that absolutely refuses to even hold a wave, let alone any sort of curl! As a child in the 80s I was desperate for crimped hair but even that just used to drop out after an hour or so!

    8. Elizabeth West*

      Remember perms? Haha, I used to do that all the time, everything from shorter poodle hair to long curls like Rose in Titanic. They stunk and were terrible for your hair, but I loved having actual curls. I do have a natural wave, especially if I coax it, but it tends more toward frizz.

      Nowadays, I let my hair air dry halfway after washing, put it in a ponytail with a scrunchie, twist it, pin it down, and then sleep on that. In the morning, I take it out and have curly beachy waves that last for a few days and I only have to barely style it. If it frizzes I smooth a very light application of that Garnier Moroccan Oil stuff on from mid-length to the ends.

      I tried rag rollers made out of an old t-shirt in high school. It worked, but BOY, were they uncomfortable to sleep on!

      1. Anon and alone*

        Perm stink, I remember it well. I stopped getting perms after one unfortunate incident in high school. Picture a tiny, skinny white girl with a clown wig in black on top. Guess which picture they used for the high school reunion? Yeah, that one.

        2. Random Biter*

          I’ve always had really curly hair with a mind of its own. Today, I keep it very short to fight the cowlicks and tendency to do what it wants regardless of what I have in mind. Back in the day, when Toni perms were the thing for little girls, my mom inflicted one on me. I had the very first white kid blow out. ::sigh:: a mini Angela-Davis-circa-early 70’s blowout. In the late 50’s. But after receiving my Ancestry DNA results I think I’m seeing why :) As a teen I longed for the long, straight hair that was the fashion in the late 60’s/early 70’s and damned near fried my hair to a crisp ironing it. The things we do..

      2. Bethlam*

        Why “remember perms?” Both my sister and I, both with stick straight limp hair, still get perms. My hairdresser is brilliant at it.

        1. The New Wanderer*

          I remember really bad home perms that lasted only a few weeks. I never splurged on professionally done perms, I imagine they were better than the home chemicals back then and probably way better today. Back in the late 80s I was so jealous of my friend who would get spiral perms done at the salon. Her hair was just gorgeous.

          I’m guessing my coarse-texture straight hair wouldn’t have held a salon perm much better than home ones, but the stylist probably would have coached me on how to maintain it. I’ve only ever had luck with a curling iron, tons of product in the hair, and tons of hairspray and pins to keep the style, and even that was just for a few hours (prom, my wedding, friend’s wedding party). I love the look but not enough to put in the hours of prep time and all that stuff in my hair.

          The irony is, I have straight enough hair that it combats almost every attempt to curl it, but enough of a wave that I occasionally have to use a straight iron to fight my bangs into submission. Can’t complain about the volume though, I’ve never had my hair lay flat even when that was all the rage except when it was Marcia Brady long and therefore heavy enough to weight itself down.

    9. CTT*

      I do hot rollers when I have longer hair. They brush out well and I like that I can do other things while I wait for them to cool down.

      1. Windchime*

        In high school (in the late 70’s) I had Farrah Fawcett hair. Mine was brown, not blonde. Anyway, I had a set of hot rollers that a friend gave me but they only had 6 rollers. So I had to curl one side of my hair, wait for it to cool, take it out, reheat the rollers and then do the other side. It took forever to get ready for school but it was worth it because — Farrah Fawcett!

        1. Quiet Liberal*

          Oh my gosh! I had the Farrah Fawcett hair in ‘77-‘78! Brown hair, too. It was such a popular hairstyle back then. I remember having “wings” cut along the front and top and lots of hairspray. Mine was never as thick and flowing as hers. I read somewhere that her hairstyle was very time-consuming to do, though.

    10. Clisby*

      Yes, I curl my shoulder-length hair every time I wash it (about once a week). I use the old-fashioned pin-curl method. Towel dry hair after washing, comb it out. Working all over my head, I pull up a small lock of hair, twist it, make a little coil of it, and pin it in place (use large bobby pins.) For the most curl, I do this just before bedtime and sleep on it. For less curl, I blow it dry after washing. Larger locks of hair will make a looser curl, smaller ones a tighter curl.

      I do this because my hair is much easier to style after curling it – braiding or putting up my stick-straight hair inevitably ends up with the do just falling apart. The curl/waviness loosens over the week, but it gives my hair a lot more body.

    11. Apt Nickname*

      When I was younger I had stick-straight hair that refused to do just about anything that involved curls. For my wedding I got a perm (two kits!) and then the morning of I hot-rollered it and hairsprayed it. I actually got curls that lasted all day!

      After my second kid my hair went slightly wavy and I’m actually a little indignant that I HAVE to do something with it if I don’t want it to look wonky.

    12. Theatre girl in an office world*

      I have super curl resistant hair (curls fall out in less than 5 minutes), and also do theatre. The only thing that has ever worked for me is the steam curlers. I bought the Richard Caruso molecular thing off a tv commercial in 1990 and it still works although I have had to replace some of the rollers because the foam wore out. Best $19.95 I ever spent.

      For long wear (aka an evening out with clubbing) I would wash my hair and put product in it and let it completely dry and then steam curl it and let it cool completely before removing the rollers and finger style.

    13. Rebecca Stewart*

      I’ve given it a shot when doing historical hairstyles and it does work but I have to handle the curls VERY gently. I gave up and used an equally historical solution: fake hair pieces.

      My hair is heavy and straight and it has about three styles you can do with it: You can buzz it short (which is what my son does) you can wear a straight bob, (which is what my mother does) or you can grow it long enough to roll into a bun, with braided variations on the bun, which is what I do.

    14. Kay*

      Depending on what look I wanted:
      For beachy bed head – after an evening shower use thick leave in conditioner, wrap my hair in a towel with a twist at the front, and sleep on it. This would get me the most volume, but the most unpredictable outcome.
      For a mildly more tamed wave – use above method, only put into braids or twists, then wrap in a towel (which could be like above or more low key) & sleep. In the morning I could do some mild maintenance with a curling iron (size depending on how my hair came out) to fix any inconsistencies.
      My personal favorite is to use a 2 inch iron, without a ton of product, which will relax to get more of a wave that looks more polished.
      I’ve tried the pin it method (too much hair), hot rollers (too much work and always burning something – plus with the amount of hair I have it also required supplemental rollers or curling), soft rollers (just didn’t do well), curling wands, different products, etc. and prefer the going to bed with it wet, or the 2 in curler method the best.

  4. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    As usual this is not limited to fiction writing, any writing goes.
    I am still on my chill project for busy weeks, where I’ve mostly been cleaning up some really awkward dialogue. Now the characters sounds more like human beings rather than aliens attempting to disguise themselves as human beings.

    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      After a long break, I added a new post to my blog. Other things in my life got in the way of creative expression for too long. I’ve always preferred blogging to a site that just shares photos, because my photography feels incomplete without the written part. The words add the story.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I keep saying I need to add a post to my blog, but I can’t seem to get myself to do it. It’s been about eight months now and I keep wondering if I should just abandon it. It’s really just a personal blog.

        1. Filosofickle*

          I have a blog site that was originally part professional creative work / part personal that over time became only personal. It’s so neglected at this point that shutting it down makes sense. I am not motivated to write at all. But I’ve had my own site/blog presence for 20 years! Shutting it down is a hit to my identity even though the era of personal sites has largely passed. And there’s some really good stuff in there, too! What do I do with it?

        2. WoodswomanWrites*

          Mine is pretty open (it’s the same name as my handle here), sometimes focusing on my nature photography, sometimes on social justice, or travel. I went about a year without posting anything and I’m excited about adding to it more frequently now.

          The key for me has been letting go of “shoulds,” like I have to do this or that with it. It was easy to put constraints on myself. I’ve realized that it’s no big deal to let it go for an extended period if I didn’t feel motivated. I’ve also come to thinking that it doesn’t have to be sequential. I have notes and photos from a trip to Badlands National Park years ago, and I’m finally going to post those. It’s been freeing to let go of the expectations.

          I originally started my blog for friends and family and to my amazement, lots of people I’ve never met follow my blog now. I have no other personal social media presence and haven’t promoted it, so that’s been a fun surprise.

        3. DrunkAtAWedding*

          I’ve got a gaming blog I’ve kept since 2008. I write guides, or notes about games, or reviews, or rants, or just whatever I want. It’s mostly for me, but it’s stuff I think other people might find interesting/helpful and that I don’t mind them reading, which is why it’s online and not just in a word document or a spreadsheet or something. Some months, I’ve written several posts a week, or sometimes even a few in a day. Other times, I’ve gone ages without posting anything. Both seem fine to me. Is looking at your blog like that an option, like you just write when/whatever you feel like? Instead of having to choose between update vs abandon?

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Most of the reason I haven’t written anything is because of physical issues–I developed chronic bursitis in my hips last year after back surgery and haven’t been able to get rid of it, even after multiple rounds of cortisone injections and other things. The idea of sitting down at all, let alone sitting down to write, is really unappealing these days. Especially since I have a desk job. The rest of it is just not feeling that urge to write, or like I have anything to say. I’ll leave it a while and see what happens. Since it’s just a personal blog and not something really focused, it’s mostly for myself anyway.

    2. Neon Dreams*

      I haven’t done much writing the past week. It’s the last week at my current position so my emotions were occupied. I’m really enjoying the fan fiction I’m working on, though. I love the couple and the concept.

    3. Maryn B.*

      I had a bad night this week and let my mind wander in the dark for a good long while. After I finally slept, I woke with a shiny new idea for a short story or perhaps a novella. All I’ve done so far is jot it down and flesh out a little of the dialogue, but it’s always exciting to have something new to work on.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I can’t get into my writing headspace with all the no-job stress. I tried to work on my outline and just….nothing. So the conlang is about to receive a lot of attention and effort. This will probably help anyway, since it’s part of the world, and I’ll probably have a lot of story notes pop up as I go. One thing tends to feed the other.

      I’m kind of mad at myself for being so extra as to have a conlang (or even just an artlang) in the first place. What was I thinking? That’s a lot of extra work! But since Confluence came out with Essdran in it, I’m committed now.

      1. Not A Mango*

        How’s the job search going? Sending you lots of positive vibes that something good will come along soon!

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I had two interviews for a job I wanted very much and they went really well. But when I followed up, all I got was an OOO from the hiring manager, who is apparently on mat leave. The job is still up but I seem to have been ghosted. :'(

          The other job here ghosted me too. FML!

    5. DrunkAtAWedding*

      I’m trying to do NaNoWriMo. I’m trying a new thing. My first draft is more like a journal, in that I write down what I’m thinking, not just what is happening. Things like, what the characters understand in each scene, and what their motivations are, and what their actions might tell us about them. It feels really good (and bulks out my word count!). I’m figuring out the plot as I go and filling out the world and the characters in a really fun way. It feels like crochet, like I make a couple of points and then join them together and create a detailed pattern. For example, my main character sees an escape pod crash in the desert and she goes out to look at it. She agrees not to call the police or an ambulance when she finds an injured alien inside and instead takes him home to nurse him. Who would do that? Someone who is fiercely independent, maybe someone who has a reason to prefer to rely on themselves than to call the authorities. That then linked in with another fact about her. She’s living alone in this little desert town, trying to run the diner she inherited from her grandmother. Why was she so close to her grandmother that she’s burning out trying to keep this diner going? Where are her parents? Not dead but not around. So, putting all that together, I know that the reason why she’s so independent and the reason why she was close to her grandmother are probably the same thing. Something to do with her parents. If social services or a similar agency (my story is set on a planet the characters believe is earth but which is not, so they can be whatever agency I like) were involved in her childhood and failed her, that could also explain why her first thought is to deal with something herself rather than ask for help, and also why she absolutely understands, on a gut level, why this alien doesn’t want anyone in authority to know about them. Since this is a romance novel, it also gives me an ‘in’ to how she and the alien get to know each other. He hides out in her spare bedroom, he sees more of her life than she would usually share, he can help her to open up and get her to realise that she does have people she can trust around, she can ask for help.

      The end product is more of a very detailed outline than a first draft, but that’s something to deal with later. When I’ve tried to write long-form things before, I get stuck because I don’t know what happens next and I feel like, if it’s not in the story, I can’t write it down. So I need to figure out what’s in the story, but I can’t, so I get stuck.

      The other issue I have is realistic dialogue. A lot of the time, my characters just explain things to each other, completely see each other’s viewpoint, and agree on things, which is just not how people work. Writing this way helps me understand what each character wants or understands, which, I hope, will help me give them more realistic conversations. Plus, if I know what I want each character to know and what I want the audience to know, and I have that explicitly written down, I can think about when and what to tell/show. For instance, my first instinct was just to describe my heroine’s evening before she saw the crash. Now I’m thinking I actually need my first scene to be from the hero (the alien’s) point of view, to show why he was in a crashing escape pod (that’s another point where I joined different things together. Why did it crash when it was doing exactly what it was designed to do? Because he was piloting it manually, instead of letting the auto-pilot land it. Why was he doing that? Because it’s his own society he’s escaping/hiding from. Which is also why he’s willing to trust the heroine. His own civilisation are trying to kill him, he’s injured and alone on a foreign planet, and she has respected his wishes about not calling the police and is willing to care for him. She seems like a good option right now). If I was trying to write it without giving myself permission to freestyle and brainstorm on the page, I’d be stuck feeling like my opening scene was wrong, but not sure what to do instead. Now I know what to change, and I have an idea of what I want to reveal in the escape scene and what to conceal until later. I can also decide whether I want them to explain things to each other, or if I can show it in another way. Like, I don’t need to explain that the heroine’s grandmother died recently and left her the diner. The alien can notice that the flat above the diner is in disarray and still full of packing boxes and an old lady’s belongings. Customers can ask about the grandmother and how the heroine is holding up. Maybe the alien, not knowing earth’s (“earth’s”) social norms can accidentally do something upset, which can cause the heroine to express her emotions about it. That might not normally happen, because she lives alone but now they’re in a small space together and she can’t hide it.

      The above got really rambly, which explains what my first draft is like. But, like I was trying to say, editing it is a problem for the future, and at that point, I’ll have a better grasp of the story.

    6. Cendol*

      Added yet another rejection to my rejection pile. I’d love for some of these stories to see the light of day, but realistically I know they’re a hard sell for most magazines. So I’m wondering the best place to publish them. A personal website? AO3’s Original Works category? Patreon? What have others done? Profit is not a concern at this stage and I would probably put them up under a pseud.

      A bit late for this weekend thread so I may ask again next week. :)

      1. beep beep*

        A personal blog or Patreon coupled with promotion across Twitter/Instagram, maybe? I’m assuming you’re looking just to get eyes on your work right now, and I’ve seen authors most active across those platforms. Occasionally Tumblr (which could be the personal blog platform you use), but there’s not as large a contingent there that I’m aware of.

        If you’re posting original stuff on AO3, they do ask that it’s content “created in a fannish context”. It’s a little confusing to me, but it’s in their ToS FAQ page under “Can I archive original fiction?”. Not sure if your work would fall under that category or not, but food for thought.

    7. Rebecca Stewart*

      I had someone read a scene to see if they got what I was trying to do in it. “She’s having a migraine!” he said. “But she believes God gave her a vision,” he added.

      That makes me feel a lot better about whether or not I can pull that dichotomy off. The character, by the end of the novels, is being acclaimed as a saint. I don’t want to put genuine miracles in, but at the same time, she has reasons for her beliefs, even if modernly we would take her to a neurologist.

  5. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week? As usual this is not limited to video games so feel free to talk about any kind of game you want including phone games and board games. Also feel free to ask for recommendations or help identifying a vaguely remembered game.
    For those who play Animal Crossing how are you liking the new update?
    Personally I’ve been getting back to Stardew Valley. It’s nice to just do a little day of farming here and there in between being busy.

    1. something*

      I’m enjoying the ACNH update so far, but we’ll see how long I remain into it. Part of the issue is that I don’t have a Switch of my own and my partner (understandably!) doesn’t want me making executive decisions on their island. I look forward to getting furniture from Cyrus and trying to start farming. I did manage to snag a single pack of Series 5 Amiibo cards, so I’m excited to see what I get!

      In a previous week, someone was asking me about the Great Ace Attorney. It’s pretty fun so far! Just as ridiculous as I expected. Hard to say what the difficulty will be like based on the tutorial case, but I’m hoping there’ll be some head-scratchers later on (some of the 3DS entries in the series felt very dumbed down, imo). If you’re playing on PC, I suggest using a controller; the keyboard/mouse controls aren’t reprogrammable (afaik) and they leave a lot to be desired.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        That reminds me I need to continue Great Ace Attorney Chronicles…I will say Holmes (well, Sholmes) is a bit of a twat, but he doesn’t seem to be actively malicious. Also I kind of like the Dance of Deduction, though I hope it will get more complicated as time goes on.

        1. something*

          I’m happy with Sholmes’ characterization, honestly We need SOMEONE to annoy the protagonist, right?

      2. Calm Water*

        I’m still playing Pokémon go and need a new friend to finish a bunch of the tasks. Anyone willing to add a person?

        TBRCBQYM7

          1. Morrigan Crow*

            Think I’m on the same task – just added you (Owler), so thanks! (Happy to add others, but also need a number code)

      3. something*

        My single pack of Amiibo cards contained Faith, Frett, Chabwick, Megan, Cyd, and Gulliver. None are villagers I feel especially strongly about, but I’m happy nevertheless. I am happy with Gulliver!

    2. Bookgarden*

      I’ve been paying Metroid Dread. I’m stuck on a boss further on in and am dreading (ha) going back to it. The game wasn’t very forgiving before but right now it’s on a whole other level.

      I’m also having fun with Final Fantasy XIV. I’mb going through the game with my partner. We’re currently near the end of the second expansion story and still have an incredibly long DLC to go through after that, and at the beginning of December the biggest DLC yet will be newly released. His work schedule has been atrocious lately, so I don’t think we’re ever catching up to the level 80/90 players at this rate. It’s been so much fun taking this at our own place though, so I’m completely happy with that.

      In other game news, I was able to get an order in for the Stardew Valley board game. Speaking of Stardew, I can’t wait for Concerned Ape’s new game! The screenshots and video look amazing!

      2. A Girl Named Fred*

        For what it’s worth, I took around a year to catch up to my friends in FFXIV, and I’m really glad that I went at the pace I wanted to instead of rushing. (Tbh, I probably could have gone a little slower, but pandemic+FOMO made me push harder than I wanted to lol. Kind of regret the couple things I did zoom through!) So kudos to you and your partner for going slow, I hope you enjoy the game!

        1. Bookgarden*

          Oh I don’t feel so bad now, thank you! I get the FOMO feeling. I love that the game seems fairly forgiving about that, and the players are kind and seem happy to help us when we’re new to the trials we need for the MSQ. Loving the game (especially as a huge FF nerd). I hope the DLC delay didn’t disappoint you too much!

    3. Still*

      I’ve discovered the mobile version of Stardew Valley and it’s perfect for a bit of distraction here and there. Plus there’s an option to auto-fight the monsters, which makes mining SO MUCH EASIER. But I can’t for the life of me figure out how to succeed at fishing and the mini-games with my touch screen.

    4. BBQHonk*

      Hold ‘Em or Fold ‘Em on Android. Scratches my poker itch, and is cheaper than going to the casino.

    5. Doctor is In*

      We’re slowly getting better at Forza Horizon 4. Actually found a barn! We still always come in last against the drivatars in races though.

    6. RussianInTexas*

      I got a 7 Wonders and Sagrada apps on the phone (got a Google Play gift card), and highly enjoying them both.

    7. Dino*

      I adore Stardew Valley! I enjoyed Harvest Moon back in the day and love that SV is practically the same but better.

      I’ve been getting back into Flight Rising. A lot has changed since I last logged in, all for the better it seems. I’m enjoying re-dressing my clan favorites, buying some of the new breeds, etc.

    9. Marion Ravenwood*

      I went to board game club for the first time in about six weeks on Wednesday, and I had a great time! I played Resistance (where you have to guess the identities of people in the resistance and play to pass missions), Minion (fighting your way through a dungeon against various monsters and having items/abilities etc to support you) and Decrypto (where you have a series of words that make up various codes and have to give clues to the words for your team to guess, as well as trying to guess the opposing team’s words to solve their codes too). They were all really fun and I’m definitely looking forward to heading back there again in a couple of weeks.

    10. Jackalope*

      I’m nothing if not consistent; still moving ahead on my 3rd run-through of Fire Emblem: Three Houses!

    11. Katt*

      My Switch actually broke several weeks back and I was finally able to borrow my brother-in-law’s Switch right before Halloween. However I’ve been taking it slow so my island is still in tutorial mode and as a result I’ve been unable to take advantage of most of the new update thus far. The resident services will only become a real building the day after tomorrow, and after that I still need to get K.K. I should probably get moving on picking the rest of the weeds and sticking flowers and furniture everywhere so I can get to three stars ASAP!

      1. LimeRoos*

        Honestly, take the time to plan your island. My first Animal Crossing game was this one, at the Start of Covid, and it was amazing, but then there was a suuuuuper long break (almost 6 months? Maybe more?) and I deleted my Island to completely start over so I could terraform exactly what I wanted and plan my houses. Really because I didn’t want to have to weed everything and deal with the cockroaches in my house….and knowing what I know now about how I like to plan layouts, it was a game changer.

        But omg!!! The new content!!!! It is amazing and take your time exploring it and getting to it. It really is a game where you can take your time an do exactly what you want. I wish I knew how expansive it was item wise when I started lol. You’re kind of at the perfect place to plan what you want based on what looks really cool and/or inspiring.

        Legit though – if you like interior design or just creating living spaces, the Happy Home Island Nonsense is amazing. AMAZING. So uh, if 3 Stars is where you get that, do it. And Harv’s Island. They really open up so much more design wise.

        …I’m a fan….and inebriated….but man, I’ve put 1000+ into my first and second islands and it was all totally worth it. (Also 1000+ into Minecraft, also also, this response took almost 3 hours because I’ve been playing Diablo 2 Resurrected with Hubby & His Bestie, and I had lovely bottle of Sweet Shiraz from Sugarbird in South Africa – do recommend if you like sweet wines. It is tasty. Also goes well with aged gouda & parm and fancy pepperoni.)

    12. TechGirlSupervisor*

      Currently replaying Pathfinder: Kingmaker on my PC. I love the CRPG games in general. I played Baulder’s Gate 1 and 2 too death as a teenager (I have 2 on my steam library waiting for me to load it up again). I love all the romance plots, so I’, playing through them right now. Waiting for Wrath of the Righteous to go on sale and I’ll get it then.

    14. The Dogman*

      Dawn of War: Soulstorm and more precisely the Ultimate Apocalypse Mod.

      With the scaled down size and lifted troop limits this old game is one of the best combat RTS’s ever made.

      Just about to finish the Space Marine campaign and will have a bash at the Eldar one after that.

      Also been playing a lot of Creeper World 3 again, I really recommend it, it is an indy developer called Virgil and he is a great designer and programmer. Energy management crossed with freeform Tower Defence style of gameplay really.

    15. LimeRoos*

      Even when I don’t have overtime I’m super late to this thread XD I love the ACNH update and DLC, I’ve made 6 vacation homes and the school and it’s been so much fun. Also unlocked Leif and Reece/Cyrus on Harv’s Island. I do love how Harv & Harriet are like the school approved version of Cheech and Chong (Though, omg, the otter, Harv and him totally bowl it up). Brewsters cafe is adorable. The amount of new items in the Nook stop for Miles is amazing and will make me play more for miles. Because I need them. <3. That is all. (There's been wine, beer, vodka, and business.) Highly recommend ACNH.

    16. SparklingBlue*

      Been counting down the days to Pokemon Brilliant Diamond and Shining Pearl–in the meantime, have been refreshing my memory of where the Pokemon are and when you get them

  6. Pam*

    I gave up on curls as a kid. I was famous in my family for my picture day curls flattening out before I walked the three blocks to school.

  7. Anon-dating*

    Wondering what other people’s deal breakers are in the dating world? I’ve just barely begun to try dating again (been single for about a year). I forgot that this is a question that comes up.

    I look for someone who is kind, generous, caring, good at communication, willing to compromise, is able to express emotions in healthy ways, independent, good conversationalist, deep thinker…

    I definitely have a baseline decent human being parameter, but what are hard nopes I should add to my list of noes?

    1. JustForThis*

      This may sound too obvious, but I think it’s still worth remembering: nope if you don’t genuinely enjoy being with them. They can be as kind, generous, caring, good at communication etc. as anyone could wish for, it’s no good if you don’t really look forward to spending time with them.

      1. Boiling water*

        Ouch. This hits home. I’m in this situation with my long time partner at the moment, I just want to see other people and do other things, not spend time together at home. Trying to figure out if it’s just a slump, brought on by being cooped up too long, or if the relationship is really more of a habit now.

    2. Lonely Aussie*

      All of their exes are crazy/psycho…. they either gaslight/manipulate/aren’t very good with boundaries or they have a *type* and that type is drama, either way they’re the common denominator and neither is a good idea.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Yes, everyone is allowed one crappy ex. But if all your exes are crappy in the exact same way…. well, you’re the common factor.

    3. Batgirl*

      “Why do you want to pay? Ugh, are you a feminist?” That’s an actual quotation! I think your ultimate deal breakers are pretty easy to spot when they happen. One that’s been a bit more subtle, and I’ve had to come to recognize it as a deal breaker, is how they process conflict. If they deal with it angrily, or with judgy words, that’s an easy to spot dealbreaker. It’s harder to spot the person who avoids conflict and goes along to get along. I started actively looking for someone who’s open about disagreeing with me, and approaches it cheerfully and in good faith. But I think the best dating advice I got was not to focus on someone surpassing the dealbreakers, and passing a bar, but to keep looking “until you meet someone who knocks your socks off”. That was useful to keep in mind, because you meet so many terrible people, you can start just wanting to meet someone okay, and decent who “will do”.

      1. Virginia Plain*

        The last bit is very true – having a romantic partner isn’t like having a job, you don’t have to have one to keep the wolf from the door and you don’t have to settle for a mediocre one to tide you over. You only have to have the very best. So if you are rationalising to yourself or others why you don’t want to continue dating someone, you don’t have to have a Good Reason. It can be, I didn’t like his skimpy eighties european underwear*/he was a rubbish cook/he had an Nsync T-shirt on and I always preferred the Backstreet Boys/his jacket smelled of wet dog/Uranus was rising in Capri-Sun…**

        *example from life although after a short while not the first date
        **not a typo just a joke for brits of a certain age who aren’t into astrology

    4. Virginia Plain*

      For me when dating dealbreakers were:
      Racist/homophobic/sexist
      Believer in bad science and “woo” (homeopathy/antivax/chemtrails/refuse medicines and cure your cancer with kale juice, type stuff)
      Proselytising
      Someone wanted not a relationship as I did, but just to get their leg over.

      Never really came up against these though fortunately. In practice the things I remember really putting me off were:
      Performance art. Apparently he would dress up in a three piece suit and bowler hat and eat breakfast from an attaché case in the centre of a large cathedral town in the south of England. He showed me pics. Each to their own but cringe for me.
      Too recently bereaved of his wife…he still linked to her dating site profile on his own…what was I thinking meeting up with him??? He was nowhere near ready.
      A bloke with short arms and long pockets (metaphor).
      This was a friend of mine’s date ages ago – completely uninterested in food and said he would take a pill for nutrients etc if he could. Omg.
      I may have told this one before but I love it – third date or so, watching a film at his flat, kicked off my shoes and put them on a footstool. He looked and said, oh my god you’ve got webbed feet! No, said I, I am wearing tights [sheer nude pantyhose]. I mean who thinks of webbed feet before hosiery pops into their brain?! Buffoon.

      1. Richard Hershberger*

        “get their leg over”

        Weird gaps on one’s knowledge: I did not know this idiom. Looking it up in Green’s Dictionary of Slang, the specific form goes back to the 1970s, but this sense of leg on or upon or over dates to 1600. I have learned something new, making this already a good day!

        1. Virginia Plain*

          Apropos of the discussion lower down, it’s a nice expressive British idiom! I find that talking in a forum etc amongst lots of Americans brings out my finest britishisms, I shall end up sounding a like a Carry On film. We specialise in euphemisms for sex…”a bit of how’s your father” is a lovely ridiculous example!
          I’m similar in speech; I don’t have a very pronounced regional accent, just slightly northern, but if I’m talking to someone from across the pond you could cast me in Downton Abbey. Above stairs!

          1. I take tea*

            Or the idiom “a bit of slap and tickle”. It always makes me laugh. You have strange habits in bed.

          2. Random Biter*

            I do love me some whodunnits set in alternate times/worlds/historical periods…. While reading one of the Her Royal Spyness books I came across the “a bit of how’s your father” and while I could figure out what it meant through content, I did get lost in Googling the origins. It was great!

        2. banoffee pie*

          is that not a phrase in the US? It’s a good one. Really implies a kind of careless, vulgar callousness, I think

      2. RagingADHD*

        “who thinks of webbed feet before hosiery pops into their brain?”

        People from inbred families.

        3. Mstr*

          I feel like the answer to this is … men. Men who aren’t super familiar with pantyhose.

          It’s a cute story of an awkward/brain fart kind of moment that might be good for a laugh if you like the guy. Not sure I’d put in the dealbreaker/this person is 100% “inbred buffoon” category.

          1. RagingADHD*

            I wasn’t talking about buffoonery. I know people with webbed-toe relatives, and they would definitely be surprised and perturbed to see (or supposedly see) it on someone they were dating, as a red flag in the other direction.

            1. Carol the happy elf*

              Some relatives of mine had children born with fused fingers and toes. No bone problems, but these cute little hands that looked like gloves put on wrong. It was a simple surgery to fix, and they took piano lessons from an early age.

      3. KR*

        The food thing is a dealbreaker for me. I’m someone who loves to eat. I couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t like to eat a similar amount to me. My husband is always down for a snack or to try new food and has a similar appetite to me and it’s something I really like about him and enjoy bonding with him over.

        1. Triplestep*

          I have so many food sensitivities I just can’t eat in a social settings anymore. I’m married and not dating but I totally get where you’re coming from. I miss being able to share food socially.

      4. Carol the happy elf*

        Did he mention what planet he came from? I would like to warn my girls away from them, because they obviously don’t study earthlings carefully enough.

    5. Holiday Prep*

      Some nopes (for me)

      – Mistreats waitstaff or other service professionals
      – Always a victim
      – Racist/sexist/homophobic “jokes”
      – Not a good parent/pet parent
      – Lacks a sense of community (Ex. Litters, doesn’t pick up after a pet)
      – Super messy home/car
      – Hyper religious (but somehow never about the parts that involve helping others)

      Honestly I think the previous poster nailed it that you’re less looking to avoid crappy-person-bingo and more trying to find someone you click with who shares your values. So if you run your church food pantry, you’re looking for someone equally kind and giving. If you support your local animal shelter, you’re looking for a fellow animal lover.

      I hope you’re able to meet someone who knocks your socks off – they’re worth the wait! Folks will ask why a single person is alone but the tables are rarely turned to ask a married person why they settled!

      1. Blue wall*

        Agree with the above and so much of what’s been said.

        Red flags I should have paid more attention to at the time:
        – no long-lasting (or really much if any) friendships
        – didn’t see his own role in why past relationships failed – was always the other persons fault
        – didn’t communicate his wants or needs, even after being asked (example: I’m making pasta primavera, I call him to ask if there is anything he doesn’t like, list what I have on hand, he says no, but then proceeded to not eat the squash)
        – didn’t wear underwear (yuck)
        – didn’t match my level of physical affection, went both ways.

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          The point about lack of friendships is a good one. I dated someone briefly and he had no friends, one of the reasons I ended it.

    6. Expiring Cat Memes*

      Men who complain about blue balls. Ever really, but especially on the first few dates. It speaks volumes about their sense of entitlement.

      1. Richard Hershberger*

        Dude! There is a time-honored solution to that problem that doesn’t involve a reluctant second party.

        2. Expiring Cat Memes*

          I picture you, close to your avatar in appearance, popping up like an ad break mid-date to intervene and deliver that line in a posh gentlemanly-like manner to Mr Blue Balls. It makes me feel somewhat better about the world.

          1. Richard Hershberger*

            We are pretty close. That is Henry Chadwick. You can look him up. He has a better beard than I do, but that was a good era for beards. He was far too refined to admit to knowing what we are talking about.

    7. Meh*

      Do some activities that are competitive and see how they deal with competition. Does it work for you? Observe interactions with service staff, the elderly, children.

      I’m in the US and 5/6 year ago I was seeing someone who was really excited to cast his vote to nominate a political candidate. I quickly dumped him, that day in fact. Just such a hard nope.

      But it led me to someone who is proudly/loudly an advocate and ally for things that really matter to me (and him!). He is also able to enjoy my fierce competitive streak (I’m the red flag ;)

    8. Neon Dreams*

      -Willing to pick a fight with you and doesn’t care where you are or if they make a scene
      -Calls you names in front of your friends and then gets mad at you when you leave the room to cool of
      -Too rigid-set in their ways-life is all about learning and growing. If someone isn’t always striving to be the best version of themselves, I’m not interested.
      -Acting like their experience is God’s word and everyone else is wrong
      -having an opinion that actively harms other people (racist/transphobic/homophobic. All of those kinds of things). I’m not saying you have to like or understand those groups (although it would be a plus if you did), but respect their right to exist.

    9. Jelena*

      *Talks about their ex/exes too much/too soon
      *Asks about my ex/exes too much/too soon

      We all have a past we’re trying to move forward from, and the over-preoccupation of some of the guys I’ve been on dates with around my dating backstory/their own….hard pass from me.

      *Either talking about their job/asking about mine incessantly
      *Sex talk too early or too much (I love sex but honestly give it a rest guys)

      *Revisiting over and over that their child is the most important thing in the world and I need to remember that. As a woman in my very late 30s the majority of single men I date have one or more kids and I’m fully on board with them being the priority and admire guys that are a positive presence in their kid’s lives. Reminding me of it constantly (on a first/second date!) with an unpleasant undertone gives me the ick.

      1. WellRed*

        Can I just say I agree with this kid stuff and add: I hate it on dating profiles where they answer questions like “thing I can’t live without”, “my biggest accomplishment” and every single answer is “my kids” it may be true but in this context feels like a cop out answer.

        1. Jelena*

          This is so true! I do wonder who they’ve encountered in their dating escapades that they feel the need to over and over and *over* again point out that their children are an important part of their lives. As I’m approaching 40 I now also get the interrogation from these same guys about why I don’t have kids as if there’s something wrong with me. I spent years in a relationship with a guy waiting for him to be ready to have a child and gave up on him eventually.

          1. Tabby*

            This, except I deliberately chose to never have kids, because I don’t want the responsibility. There are various reasons for that, chief among them is that I was a parentified child, so nope, I’m done parenting, thanks!
            But people don’t know how to let it go, they want to “It’s different when they’re your own (Yes, you are typically required to keep them until 18, whether you feel fit to parent or not; not great for kids to have an indifferent parent, which I would be, at BEST) “You HAVE TO! You might like it! (Really? Are children various foods?)” me to death.

            1. Sc@rlettNZ*

              Oh, god, the “but it’s different when they are your own brigade”. This used to drive me NUTS when I was dating. I’m child-free by choice, I have absolutely zero interest in babies and find small children incredibly annoying. I’ve lost count of the number of guys who think I don’t know my own mind and will suddenly decide I’m desperate for children (almost like they think I’m going to trap them in a relationship and then spring a baby on them), or that it would be oh so wonderful if only I’d try it (WTF? It’s not like babies have a 14 day return period lol).

              I once dumped a guy who insisted that secretly I really wanted a baby because had a cat.

              So that’s my dealbreaker – idiot men :-)

              1. Carol the happy elf*

                I dumped a guy who ridiculed me for volunteering to rock babies in a NICU. I guess it was because he told me that he could give me babies that weren’t defective. That was the red flag planted in the hill to die on.

          2. Mstr*

            I think they’re just screening to find a woman who will accept that he’ll never put her first. And I actually firmly do believe kids come first but I think these men are just unreliable.

      2. Generic Name*

        Also, how does he react when you turn him down for sex? Does he pout and sulk, or can he just be normal about it?

    10. Hilde*

      Having a grasp on their own finances. If not able to have savings, at least have it as a goal and not as a dream. Having a plan on how to repay debt. It is not a conversation starter but as you get further into the relationsship – and especially if you at some point in the future want to live together – this is a vital conversation.

      1. Hilde*

        A friend of a friend just met a guy who hadn’t saved anything since he started working. Spends every penny every month and doesn’t see the need for a savings account because he can just borrow from his brother… who has to loan the money from a bank. Hard no from me.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Financially literate and willing to delay gratification. They don’t need to be wealthy, but they need to understand that spending on credit costs more then waiting and saving ahead of time. There are ways to work around a tight budget and still have fun, but some people cannot see that.

    11. Person from the Resume*

      Too religious or spiritual including astrology. I’m an atheist believer in science. If faith helps a person get through their life, good for them. The dealbreaker is if someone thinks their god is actively controlling actions on earth. That’s in the same bucket as people who truly believe in ghosts and spirits.

      I think that’s crazy. I’m not going to “humor” them. And they wouldn’t like me telling them their beliefs are crazy. That’s a no go.

    12. Generic Name*

      After I had dated for a while, I learned if a man canceled a date more than once or if planning the date was complicated or annoying, then it was a bad sign. Planning outings with my friends is reasonably straightforward, so if it’s hard to settle on a date/time/place with a guy, it’s not a match for me.

      1. *daha**

        Ooooh. If I had known that was a red flag back in 2012, my life would be a lot different now. But then again, I was a guy getting nearly no interest on the dating sites, so anybody who was marginally available was like gold to me.

    13. RussianInTexas*

      It’s been a while since I dated, but along with what you described as decent human being: no substance addictions (childhood trauma), no long distance, no disparaging all exes.
      At this point in my life – same politics, religion, money habits, similar general interests in life, don’t need to overlap 100%, but I would not be happy with a huge football fan, for example.
      Basically I am old enough that I know I can’t date a republican, a religious person, a workaholic. It is better not to start.

    14. RussianInTexas*

      It’s been a while since I dated, but along with what you described as decent human being: no substance addictions (childhood trauma), no long distance, no disparaging all exes.
      At this point in my life – same politics, religion, money habits, similar general interests in life, don’t need to overlap 100%, but I would not be happy with a huge football fan, for example.
      Basically I am old enough that I know I can’t date a politicly opposite person, a religious person, a workaholic. It is better not to start.
      Similar sense of humor is important. I despise pranks and practical jokes, a person who does not get this would not be a person for me.
      I also hate surprises, to the point I google plotlines of tv characters. The absolute worst thing you can do to me is surprise me in public, even if you think it’s a nice surprise. Or surprise with a large gift, because I have opinions on things.

    15. Washi*

      Ymmv but one of the things that really attracted me to my now-husband is that he had the basic elements of his life together and didn’t need me to help him grow up. He went to doctors and dentists as needed, was registered to vote, was in the habit of cleaning and cooking… Not that he was Martha Stewart or anything, but I didn’t need to teach him life skills or take care of him. Sounds basic, but I have several friends whose male partners are supposedly just “not good” at that stuff, and that would be a dealbreaker for me, as someone who wants an equal partnership. We don’t do all the same chores, but we contribute evenly and haven’t had to work that hard to achieve a balance.

      2. Texan In Exile*

        This is one of the reasons I am so happy I got a Used Husband. Not that his first wife had trained him – he was already good with life basics, but because they went through marital counseling and he had worked on the things he needed to fix.

        He’s still not 100% there on some of the issues, but at least he is aware of them.

      3. Lotus*

        Omg one of my friends is currently in a relationship with a man child who can’t do anything himself. He also gets cranky whenever he’s hungry or cold and throws literal adult tantrums, and relies on my friend to comfort him and will ask him 20 questions of what will make him feel better, instead of him figuring it out on his own. Sometimes it’s really easy to recognize dealbreakers in other people’s relationships.

    16. Admiral Thrawn Is Blue*

      For me, the most important aspect – how do you feel about cats? Also dogs, but especially cats. I love cats, and if a man dislikes them, we are not going to be compatible no matter what else.

      1. TechWorker*

        To be fair if you’ve not grown up with pets them then.. people can change!

        A few years ago I would have probably described someone really wanting dogs as a dealbreaker for me – I was always a bit scared as a child (still am, of big dogs or snappy ones) and find they make your house smell (sad but true). Luckily my partner LOVES cats (which I’d also not had but was more ambivalent about).

        Initially there was some resistance from me (I didn’t fancy having them IN our bed, for Eg) but I am now fully converted :p and whilst I’m not *keen* to get a dog it’s definitely softened me to all pets – I’m much more likely to see someone walking a dog now and think ‘what a cutie!’ for no real reason other than I guess I appreciate that the snuggles and playtime probably outweigh the slightly smelly house :p

        1. PT*

          My husband was a Certified Dog Person. His family lived rurally and had a whole pack of dogs growing up. He was opposed to cats because, and I quote, “they just put their anus in your face.”

          Well we got a cat and she converted him into a cat person. He loves her. So then when cat #2 came along he was like “oh well all right” instead of “absolutely not” and now he likes both of them.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Have you thought about where you draw the line when somebody loves animals but has a terrible allergy? I visit cats, I will go and cat sit for a weekend at your house, but I will be on allergy medicine the whole time. Not something I can keep up more than a few days. I’m sure I’m not the only one.

        1. LutherstadtWittenberg*

          It may be more the attitude people have about cats, that it’s somehow ‘better’ to like dogs than cats and that sort of nonsense. It doesn’t matter if you can’t be in the room with them, but if you start insulting me because I have one, there’s not much reason for me to go out with you is there, you rude boy.

        2. Random Biter*

          I have a handful of cat allergic family members, so while I would love to have a cat I don’t.

          Having had many different pets as a kid, everything from dogs/cats/birds/fish to a litter of baby skunks, a non-animal lover would be the death knell of any potential relationship for me. I volunteer for 2 pitbull rescues, so one of the very earliest conversations during the dating period was, “I have 2 dogs that people would refer to as pitbulls. How do you feel about that?”

          My spousal significant, who was at first a little afraid of my first pittie as he only knew what he had read in the yellow journalism, once told me he loved our dog more than his kids. A true convert :))

        3. Bob-White of the Glen*

          Deathly allergic to cats – had to give them up when I was younger. Now have five. Decided I wasn’t going to give one up, and (eventually) built up a tolerance. Sometimes have to push them away after a few minutes, except for my black one, but not always. And try meeting a few black ones – I’m not as allergic to (most) of them, and I have a friend who is the same way.

    17. Lotus*

      I mean there are the obvious ones, but I also think it’s important to recognize your personal preferences as well. I’m reentering dating again as well, and compared to past attempts, I’m being more selective at choosing guys I actually like spending time with vs just going along with the guys who are interested in me, but I didn’t actually have much in common with. For some reason in the past, I kept finding myself hanging out with nerdy guys who were super into things like video games and DnD. I…just don’t care for that stuff and now actively select against it. (Not that I necessarily think that couples have to have all the same hobbies, but these guys were just major homebodies and I like actually leaving my house from time to time.)

      1. Lotus*

        Also, this is a pet peeve, but I’ve been noticing that some guys just…don’t know how to set up a simple coffee date? Like I will match with a guy on an app, and we will decide to meet for a drink (either coffee or alcohol). Normally my method is to select an evening in the near future, and then figure out the mid way point between where we live or work, and choose a place there to grab a drink and chat for a couple of hours. Some guys over complicate things IME. They will choose a place a million miles from me (but closer to them). One guy countered my suggested drink date with brunch. I was like “sure fine” but then he was like “but we can meet for cocktails a few hours later!” WTF dude…just pick something! I’ve actually unmatched people like that on the spot. Not wasting my time.

        1. Generic Name*

          That became a red flag with me, honestly. If it was a pain to set up a date, it was never a good sign. I met my husband online, and one of the things I love about him is he can actually plan stuff. Planning dates was easy.

          1. banoffee pie*

            Yeah I can’t be bothered with scatty/flaky people who can’t ever commit to meeting up, or keep cancelling. What’s the problem people? Imagine living with them in the future. No thanks.

        2. it's me*

          “They will choose a place a million miles from me (but closer to them)”

          Well that doesn’t seem coincidental….

    18. Marion Ravenwood*

      Being unreliable. I accept that sometimes things happen (work issues, family emergency etc), but if you’re consistently cancelling on me last minute and not making plans to reschedule fairly quickly – and keeping to those new plans – then I’m going to get fed up of you wasting my time pretty soon.

      Otherwise: racist/sexist/homophobic, rude to people in service/retail jobs, smoking, having issues with alcohol (I have no objection to someone who likes a drink occasionally but draw the line when it’s starting to interfere with their everyday life and activities, including plans we have together). In terms of things that are yeses, having similar views on money/politics and at least some shared interests, plus a sense of adventure and a willingness to try new things.

    19. Sunshine*

      Life kit podcast on 2/16/21 had a great conversation about factors to consider in a relationship. It gets away from nitpicky deal breakers and focuses on behavioral themes. Like a a partner who is high in agreeability and low in neuroticism . Which sounds fairly obvious. But I wished I’d had that idea when I was dating.

        1. Tayto*

          Oh maybe, but on their own. I would not want to teach them. But still, no, now that I think about it, someone close to age appropriate for me who can’t cook is just a massive no. I’d just personally be incompatible with someone who had that low a level of basic knowledge about food by my age. (Clearly I’m far, far beyond ‘living on their own for the first time’ age!)

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Yes to this. I don’t mind giving a hint here and there, or letting him help me, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to full-on culinary school his ass. A non-cook learning to cook in an effort to be a contributing member to our household would give me a much more favorable impression.

            1. banoffee pie*

              I would quite like to try to teach someone to cook, to see if I’m as good at cooking as I think lol. Like I’d like to try teaching someone the guitar. Have I got the chops or am I fooling myself?? Maybe teaching a boyfriend could lead to arguments tho

        2. Clisby*

          I’d be OK with a guy who couldn’t cook as long as he loved to clean. Both us like to cook, and we both hate housecleaning, which is why a cleaning service is one of the first luxuries we paid for.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            That’s acceptable. But I’d like him to be able to cook a few things, in case I can’t. I want someone to make me soup when I’m sick. :)

      2. RagingADHD*

        The director Robert Rodriguez once said that his mother told him “not knowing how to cook is like not knowing how to fuck.”

    21. NaoNao*

      I think the biggest thing to remember here is, especially as you get older, you are very likely going to have to compromise on something. Whether it’s the person having kids from a previous situation, maybe them not being your ultimate ideal in terms of “your type”, financial stuff, their personal baggage and struggles, etc.

      I had to wait until I was 36 to meet a man who was as smart as I wanted who was also kind, available, and mutually attracted. I’ve met hundreds of blazingly intelligent men (my number one parameter above anything else) but speaking frankly 99% of those men were **mean** just…mean. Condescending, rude, thoughtless, lacking empathy, etc.

      So if you do meet someone that meets your intellectual and emotional requirements, be ready to find a way to live with and deal with their little foibles and flaws.

      1. Hilde*

        Kind and clever are the two traits I can narrow down to. It is surprisingly difficult to find clever guys who aren’t arrogant.

      2. Lotus*

        I feel like kids is a big dealbreaker though. You can’t go halfsies on kids. I don’t want to be a parent, and I especially don’t want to be a crappy unattached stepparent to an innocent kid. Fortunately, less people my age are having kids so hopefully this won’t be an issue going forward.

        1. Fran Fine*

          This. We do not need to compromise on that point. I too don’t want kids, so I don’t care how great a guy is – if he has them, that’s a no for me and I move on. I’ll stay single forever before I agree to play house with someone else’s kids.

        2. Calliope*

          I think the compromise on kids is more likely to be if you do want kids but hadn’t pictures yourself as a step-parent before a parent.

      3. Carol the happy elf*

        Yes! I dated a guy in college who kept mentioning his scholarships and Mensa. I’m an intelligent woman, and he always had to know more than I did. About ten years ago, a friend who lives in the old hometown mentioned that he needed heart surgery, and my first thought was “Nate has a HEART?”

    22. Lilo*

      I think there were a lot of good ones.

      When I was in college a firm deal-breaker was someone who tried to get me to prioritize dating them over studying. Studying came first. I met my now spouse in school but I’d say someone who messes with your job or important hobbies is a huge red flag.

      If someone mistreats waiters/cashiers or doesn’t tip (here in the US where wait staff depends on tips) that’s a hard nope.

      I also nope out if someone smokes. I can’t stand the smell and lost 3 of my grandparents to smoking related cancers. Hard no.

    23. Elizabeth West*

      –Racism, sexism, and/or homophobia or transphobia, and unwillingness to correct unconscious bias. This includes ableism. Having to explain and defend a hidden disability all the time is exhausting. I expect my partner to make an effort to understand it and offer support.
      –A lack of critical thinking skills and intellectual curiosity.
      –If you don’t read, GTFO. I did that once before and I won’t do it again.
      –I’m monogamous. I don’t want a partner who isn’t also monogamous.

    24. StellaBella*

      Back when I was dating (I have been single now for almost 5 years and do not plan to change that) I made a list. This is most of that list.

      1. Must not own any weapons.
      2. Must have some form of gainful employment.
      3. Must have a decent relationship with family.
      4. Must not have been in jail or had DUIs or use/used hard drugs.
      5. Should generally match the photo of their profile if we were meeting online. a 10 year old pic with long flowing locks while riding a camel is a great memory but dude really it was 10 years ago now that I have met you.
      6. If divorced, they should not bad mouth the ex wife on first meeting me.
      7. Should be reliable and not flake out when agreeing to meet me a lot, sure once in while things happen but if you say we will meet somewhere/somewhen then pls show up.
      8. Be able to fix small things in a house, not asking for much but simple common sense fixes to little things is helpful. I can do a lot of house maintenance but everyone should know or be willing to learn how to fix most minor things.
      9. Should not live in parents’ basement.
      10. Should be reality based and not a Qfollower/Repub/Red hatter, or completely bonkers in any direction or into conspiracies.
      11. Should understand that women of colour can have natural hair and it is not unusual.
      12. Should be kind to animals.
      13. Should know how to use a vacuum and how to clean dishes and floors and do laundry.
      14. Should generally understand human biology and anatomy.
      15. Should have lived alone for a period of time.

      All of these and more were things I have to contend with in my 30s and 40s at one time or another. Many of them have funny stories behind them. Some are very sad.

      1. banoffee pie*

        Human anatomy lol. There was an article in the Guardian recently and just 46 percent of people knew women have 3 holes (sorry to be crude but can’t think how else to say it). I mean it wasn’t just men, this was men and women in the study!!
        I know what you mean about jail but some people go to jail for very little and honestly I know some people who aren’t in jail but probably should be. I’d rather avoid them than someone who went to jail for weed or something. That doesn’t happen much here (UK) but I’ve heard it happens in the US especially to POC

        1. Fran Fine*

          I know what you mean about jail but some people go to jail for very little

          And that’s great, but it’s still on her (and my) nope lost. Just because a lot of people have been arrested and gone to jail does not mean we have to date them. They can date each other.

        2. Carol the happy elf*

          My first husband did not get that women aren’t just “men turned inside-out! Seriously, I thought he must have skipped the health classes that described anatomy! So was that 46% of PEOPLE, or 46% of MEN? Because if it’s 46% of people, that makes him less of an oddity and more of ,”them”.
          When I heard him say something about being surprised that women weren’t all incontinent, I asked what he meant. He answered that with the diameter being big enough for “him”, how was a woman able to hold off on needing to go? ( I’m snorting my soda right now.) Thank you for that statistic; do you have a reference?

          1. banoffee pie*

            46% of people, not just men. Your first husband may have got that ‘women are men turned inside out’ from ancient philosophy. I think that’s what Aristole thought. To be fair Aristotle also couldn’t competently count the legs on an insect!! I’ll post the link to the study in another comment as it’ll get caught in moderation, it should appear eventually.

    25. Double A*

      It’s interesting to read this thread because my husband definitely has a lot of people’s deal breakers! But then again, he often tells me he can’t imagine being with anyone but me because of how I deal with what for so many people would be no goes. He even has a couple of passions that I thought would be deal breakers (video games and cars) and they’ve turned out to be fine. So I’m pretty humble about anything but the deepest deal breakers.

      The main one I think is kids and long-term desires for the relationship. You have to be on the same page about kids or it’ll end in heartbreak. Likewise what you want from the relationship. Obviously all relationships start out with exploration, but if commitment is what you want and it’s still a debate or area of tension between your after 6 months, I think it’s probably best to end it.

      Instead, I think about deal makers. My husband deeply respects and appreciates me. For me, that is what I need to fill my cup.

      I guess the inverse of that would be contempt and condescension, even just a little bit. Those are complete deal breakers.

      And one last one I’ll share is that when I was dating, I wish I had put “recently out of a long term relationship” on my yellow flag list. I got burned badly by that twice; it’s not that it’s always a deal breaker, but I should have slowed WAY way down. Hence yellow flag. Proceed slowly and with caution.

      1. Camolita*

        Oh gosh yes to deep respect and appreciation instead of contempt and condescension.

        When I was very young, I tolerated way more than I should have because I thought we that since were so young that we were still growing and maturing. I learned the hard way that maturing doesn’t often happen to those who are contemptuous and condescending, and instead often gets much worse.

    26. Roja*

      Being decent with money. I don’t mean being wealthy or having a high-paying job, but being able to at least spend with their means (barring tragedy or extreme circumstances) and manage their financial life okay. My husband was under the poverty line when we got married and had only just bought a $1000 car, but he was in the black every month and we had similar financial values.

      I watched my parents make some very poor financial decisions and I knew I never, ever wanted to go through that myself. And so far that has been the case. We’re still not well off financially but we’ve always been stable and saved, and that’s such a great gift.

      1. Carol the happy elf*

        There’s a book you may like; “Tightwad Gazette”, by Amy Daczyczyn. When my first husband left me, my bestie got me a copy, because she said, “Heed what you need”. My husband now is frugal, but not insanely so. “Froogle can be fun!”

    27. Ria*

      My dealbreakers:

      Poor knowledge of food and constricted approach: I need the other person to love food and good restaurants. They don’t need to have the same level of passion as I do, but someone who would never spend many hundreds of dollars on a very good meal, has a poor knowledge of the world’s food cultures, and who says they don’t like spicy food, seafood etc just isn’t going to work.

      Food snobs: On the other end of the spectrum, don’t want to deal with people who have this weird, insecure status thing based on knowing more than ‘plebs’. I like excellent cheap food as much as the most expensive food, and my French pronunciation sucks, and I’m not interested in being belittled for it.

      Overly careful people/people with no street smarts: I cannot deal with the sort of people who are focused on working out where the ‘bad neighbourhoods’ are when travelling and avoiding them. I need someone who is worldly enough to be out there, living in the world. With few exceptions, everywhere is safe for people with basic street smarts who are not engaging in risky stuff. ‘Bad neighbourhoods’ generally only become bad if you are bumbling around like a conspicuous tourist or doing something stupid like trying to buy drugs. I refuse to live in irrational fear.

      People who are threatened by the achievements of others: Huge red flag. If someone has a (even low key) negative reaction to a friend being promoted or whatever, they’re likely to be a nightmare in my books.

    28. Might Be Spam*

      I don’t like it when a guy wants to know how old I am before deciding to ask me out. I have adult children, so it’s not like he has to worry about me being underage.

      I felt like I was in an interview for a housekeeping job. He also complained about his ex being a feminist. When I asked what was wrong with feminism, he said I wasn’t the same kind of feminist. Apparently there’s a “good” kind of feminist. Same guy researched my ex, which I found very odd.

    29. Anon-dating*

      Oh my gosh, I’m so grateful for all your comments! I’ve read through them all and laughed, cried, cringed, and could relate to so much of what you were all saying! Thank you so much for helping me put words to describe my “baseline decent human being.”

      I also so appreciate some new perspectives. I loved “Double A’s” comment about paying attention to “deal makers” and how those are often more important than deal breakers. I think I’ll ask about folks’ deal makers next weekend!

    30. anonforthis*

      Oooh – I actually want to share something I heard recently that resonated with me.

      This article I read said that a good indicator of whether you are compatible with someone or not (both in terms of platonic and romantic relationships) is whether they appreciate your *core* competencies and values. Meaning, it’s not just enough for them to like you in general, but to like you for the strengths and abilities you actually have or aspire to.

      A counter example of this is, I’ve had both an ex-bf and ex-friend (at different times) who only liked me because, at the time, I suffered from low self esteem and shyness and it gave them control over me. Because of my mindset at the time, I initially saw their attention towards me as benevolence. However, as time went on, I noticed that they resented anytime I achieved something in my career, made new friends, or exhibited any sort of confidence or independence. They also had a tendency to scoff at things I liked or when I expressed interest in starting a hobby or something, usually saying that those activities were “silly” and “dumb”. As a result, I found myself hiding my interests from them.

      Someone who is truly compatible for you will be supportive of who you actually are, not just who they want you to be, and will also support you in your growth. If you sense that someone is trying to hold you back, it’s a dealbreaker.

    31. Squirrel Nutkin*

      I have been single for sooooo long, but here are some hard nopes for me if I ever get back in the dating world:

      –acts in any way entitled with food servers, with retail workers, etc. (with anyone, really, but there is a special place in Nopesville for people who act entitled with others who can’t fight back without fearing for their jobs)

      –tries to control me and ignores my preferences and wishes (rotten old boyfriend tried to make me eat seafood even though he knew I don’t like it by stopping at a seafood place for lunch when we were traveling without consulting me)

      –sexually assaults me in any way, including stealthing (same old boyfriend. Ass.)

      –wants to keep our dating on the down low for no good reason (another old boyfriend and potential girlfriend. Never again.)

      –doesn’t see a future with me (unless we’re both very clear that neither of us wants that)

      –enables toxic family members (very sweet old boyfriend, but I could.not.take.his.family or, eventually, see a future with them in it)

      I feel like most other things are negotiable for me — especially if the person listens to me and is open to working out compromises about areas where we differ.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin*

        Oops, was looking at the other comments and yeah, racism, sexism, homophobia, noxious political views of any stripe are all hard nopes for me as well!

    32. TM*

      I met with a matchmaking service a few months ago so I really had to sit down and think about this because I had a long list of “Nopes” (33, been mostly single as an adult, not able to tolerate BS). But he had me narrow it down to 4 “must haves” to help him choose prospective dates for me. These aren’t “no’s” but you get the idea.
      1)Must be liberal/progressive. A lot of my views align with with the progressive party and I won’t feel supported by someone who is conservative.
      2)Must be good to animals but not have dogs. I have rabbits and they are fragile. When I stay somewhere overnight, they either come with me or I board them. I don’t think my rabbits would get on with dogs too well and I won’t put them in a situation where they are terrified of another animal. Surprisingly, rabbits tend to intimidate cats so I’m good with cats.
      3)Must be atheist/agnostic. I support friends who are religious but I just don’t think I can do that with a partner.
      4)Wants an independent, career woman. I’ll probably be the breadwinner in the relationship for at least part of the time. I’m not going to quit my job to make you feel better about yourself.

      Other no’s I had that didn’t make the short list included:
      1)Guy who want a carbon copy of themselves. You like to hike? Great! I’m not going to go hiking every weekend with you! You love football? Great! I’m not going to watch/go to every game with you! I’ve got interests too and I’m not going to adopt yours just because you want me to. I also don’t expect you to join me for everything either.
      2)Can handle their finances. Live within your means. I am not your sugar mama and I am not going to nag you to save money.
      3)Does not have any close family or friends. We don’t get to pick our family so I’m not holding family estrangement against anyone. But you do get to pick your friends so unless you just moved here, I expect you to have some. I am also not going to be your therapist.

    33. Rebecca Stewart*

      I insist on religious and political compatibility. I don’t require them to be the same exact faith I am, nor the exact degree of political animal I am, but in neither case do I want to spend time where I’m relaxing getting told I’m following Satan or being told what my gay son needs is Jesus to get him over this. (I like him just fine the way he is, though I wish he wasn’t learning which guys not to date by dating them. But life has always been a full-contact adventure for him.)

      Also, they need to not be allergic to cats. The cats were here first.

  8. Holiday Prep*

    Safe conversation topics for the holidays?

    Many folks are heading home and spending time with folks they may (vehemently) disagree with but otherwise love. What are the topics you pivot to in order to maintain a pleasant time together?

    – Cooking/Recipes
    – Kids
    – Pets
    – Movies/TV
    – Childhood nostalgia

    1. Virginia Plain*

      I ind it useful to ask someone who can be difficult for their opinion or advice on something they do know about. Everyone likes to be asked for their advice and a bit of harmless flattery can smooth things over, plus the conversation might actually be useful to you. So to my mum I might say, have a look at these curtain fabrics with me, which do you think would look nice in my lounge? Or to grumpy uncle Bob, with whom the subject of politics should be carefully avoided but who loves his garden, you might say, I was thinking of putting some planters outside the front door, something bright, do you think pansies would do well?

      Looking at the above, perhaps “homes and gardens” would be a good general topic.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        We were typing at the same time I think, gardening and home is my go-to as long as my family member doesn’t use it to criticise my home or garden, then it’s on to cooking!

      2. Holiday Prep*

        This is an excellent reminder. I usually talk recipes with my sister since we both love cooking and you can get a LOT of mileage out of “what have been your favorite cooks/bakes lately?”. I usually pick up some new tips or tools or just general kitchen inspiration. Like, you know you’re a grownup when you have a favorite spatula!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Your last sentence tickles me. I have a favorite individual spatula (slightly oversized, extra sturdy and has an owl on it) and a favorite type of spatula for when the drawer needs replenishing (ikea’s one-dollar jobbie in an assortment of colors) – I usually keep a half dozen on hand so I don’t have to worry about what’s in the dishwasher, because spatulas are my favorite cooking tool.

      3. banoffee pie*

        Great idea to get them talking about something they do know about. Also music is pretty safe if you’re into the same stuff.

    2. Princess Deviant*

      Yes to the above except for nostalgia (that’s just personal to me) and I’d add gardening. Bookmarking this thread with great interest for ideas.

    3. Firefly*

      Outdoor beauty spots or travel, like tell me about your best trip or which beach is your favourite. If I’m really trying to avoid conflict and just fill airtime with my mom, I’ll ask her to tell me in detail about the trip to Hawaii she and my dad took in 1976. I will listen to the “the resort brought sand to the beach” story over “the government is bad and here’s why” any day

      1. Generic Name*

        This is such a great tactic. I’m sure your mom loves reliving the story, and you’ve probably heard it enough times you don’t have to be paying rapt attention to make the appropriate reactions. Genius.

    4. Holiday Prep*

      And of course a reminder that:

      – You don’t have to spend time with people who disrespect or harm you (mental health is health!)
      – Always have an exit plan (including your own transportation!)
      – Family can be found/made and doesn’t have to be blood related

      This thread is mostly to help those who want to spend time with difficult friends/family and just need a little extra help smoothing out the stressful edges. Like the holidays are maybe the only time to see sweet Grandma, but it comes with a side of racist uncle Scott. I find it helpful to go into these gatherings with a plan. It’s more emotional labor than I’d do for most people, but that’s my family for ya.

    5. Richard Hershberger*

      This ties to yesterday’s conversation about sports. The NFL does us a great service, playing games on Thanksgiving. This gives us something to talk about besides crazy uncle expounding his appalling and uninformed political opinions.

      Here is a cheat sheet for the games: The 12:30 game is Chicago at Detroit. Geographically this looks like a great rivalry. The problem is that Detroit is a historically futile franchise, and this year is no different. Despite this, they always play on Thanksgiving, because tradition. Chicago is pretty bad too. So your talking point is about how bad this game is. Bonus points for commenting on Chicago’s woes trying to find a good quarterback.

      4:30 game: Oakland at Dallas. This should be a good game. Your talking point is how Dallas looks really good this year, with their quarterback Dak Prescott recovered from his injury last year. And gosh, has it really been a quarter century since they were in the Superbowl?

      8:20 game: It’s 8:20! Stand up, stretch, yawn, make your excuses, and go home. But if you can’t escape, it is Buffalo at New Orleans. Your talking point is how Josh Allen, Buffalo’s quarterback, is amazing, and looks like MVP material!

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          And there’s another topic: moving sports teams. It took me years to wonder why my father talked about the Dodgers leaving Brooklyn even in the early 1970s … I have a sneaking suspicion that it was his way to derail an argument between my mother and sister.

    6. Janet Pinkerton*

      I would talk about the weather (I love talking about the weather) or my favorite pet topic. My current favorite pet topic is highway trivia, so I can plan hypothetical road trips without a map in front of me, or I can talk about cool facts (unsigned interstates, or weird short interstates like I-2 or I-97). This has the advantage of either letting me talk about the stuff I love or driving the unpleasant person away from me.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        This may have changed, but — last I knew, the shortest state highway in the US is M-185, which circumnavigates Mackinac Island in Michigan. It also is (I believe) the narrowest, as gas-powered automobiles are not permitted on the island and the highway is most frequently used by bicycle traffic, though it’s also open to pedestrians or horses.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Haha, it’s the only state highway i know anything about :) it was also the only one that hadn’t had a car accident in its history, until 2005 when the island’s ambulance and fire truck (which are exceptions to the no gas powered vehicles rule) dinged each other up at the 0 mile marker responding to a medical incident at the ferry dock. :)

        2. Carol the happy elf*

          Yeah, but if you rent one of their tandem bikes and you’re in front, go slowly enough so that if you hit a pile of horse crap, it doesn’t flip up in your new wife’s face. Macinac Island does not have enough fudge to make up for that.

      3. Hlao-roo*

        Highway trivia: The Lowell Connector is the only highway without a number designation! It connects US Highway 3 and I-495 to the city of Lowell, MA because when they were building those highways, they put then NEAR Lowell, but forgot to actually connect them TO Lowell.

    7. Anony*

      I saw podcasts and home improvements/projects on another thread.

      I like asking older relatives to share about their childhood experiences or looking through old photo albums with them, and having them talk about who people are.

    8. RagingADHD*

      Interesting nature or space news – I’m a fan of Science Friday on NPR, lots of good stuff there.
      Gardening
      Travel or dream vacations
      House decor or renovations
      There’s usually some children around, or people who are proud of their children – whatever they are up to or their goals and interests.
      Sports – I’m not a big fan but I can ask enough questions to keep a conversation going.
      Board games or card games – one of my sib in laws made a fantastic evening one time, by setting up a bunch of those “minute to win it” type challenges. Totally innocuous and fun. Some of the show-ending 2 minute games on Taskmaster would work for that, too (some are too complicated, but others are very doable).

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Genealogy. Bring a notebook and jot down who’s who. If you get cornered by and abrasive older relative, just whip out the notebook and read through it with AOR to see if they can fill in any holes.
      Worked for me for years!

    10. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Childhood nostalgia – I do love this topic so I’m just sharing my own experience. I just reconnected with some relatives I grew up with and I love(d) talking to them about “old times” until one of them inevitably veers off into “well so and so was toxic including YOUR DEAD FAM potato. Potato why are you crying you need to stop being so sensitive. I can’t speak freely even in my own family.”

      With another family member I have a sticky history with, we mainly stick to 90s/00s fashion or fashion in general and we can talk for hours about it.

    11. Sooda Nym*

      My teen-aged and young adult children like to employ the fake, low-stakes, not-so-great debate. Pancakes or waffles: go. Do you prefer trees or clouds? Ranch sauce or bbq: explain. Which is better, hiking uphill or downhill? I think generally the idea is if you have people who like to interact by arguing, you give them something to “argue” about that isn’t make-or-break for anyone, and also (probably more importantly) they haven’t spent the past weeks or months developing talking points about, so it actually is a real distraction. This strategy works better if you have several people willing to play along, and only one or two toxic people you are trying to keep from monopolizing the conversation. It isn’t just about being silly: you really do learn interesting things about people. Also, it can be a pretty blatant attempt to change the subject, so other people can pick up that you are uncomfortable and help you out.

      1. Fellow Traveller*

        Love this! One of my friends has a similarly fun conversation starter: All foods will pair well with either cream cheese of soy sauce. Discuss.

          1. Carol the happy elf*

            Toilet paper, over or under?
            Installing it to come out under does spoil the fun for a cat.

    12. Jackalope*

      I like talking about books; I love to read and so do a number of other members of my family, so we all have a good time with this. We’ve all gotten some great recommendations from each other. Also I want to echo the idea of asking about old family stories. Especially if you’re asking a family member who is older than you, there’s potentially a lot of mileage to be had in asking about, say, your great grandparents or something. A few years ago my youngest cousin, the only one who never got to meet either grandparent, asked for stories about them. Everyone shared a story or two and then the talk branched off into great aunts and uncles, family legends, etc.

    14. Random Biter*

      My mom had a strict no politics/no religion at the dinner table rule and I continue that rule to this day.

  9. Crackerjack*

    I wondered if anyone’s interested in exploring some differences between US and UK English? I love language. It’s only since I started reading here that I realised ‘Mind you…’ has an almost opposite meaning in US English than it does to me (Cornish/English). And ‘gumption’ doesn’t mean the same as how you all use it here!

    1. Meh*

      I lived in Australia as a teen and the funny language differences were great!
      -Root, cheer for vs sex
      – Fanny, butt vs vulva
      -Canteen vs Cafeteria

      Funny story, my mom moved to England for a bit during elementary (primary) school and on her first day a classmate offered to show her the lavatory. She was so excited until she realized it was the restroom.

      1. Fair Guinevere*

        I’m an American living in Australia. Can I think of an example now? No, of course not, but it’s talked about a lot here.

        Chips, hot chips, crisps, or french fries. You can easily start a fight here speaking of those.

        Probably not what you are looking for, but first floor vs ground floor. To me you walk in on the first floor. To Australian, you walk in on the ground floor and take the lift (not evelvator) to the first floor.

        I think pretty good is one that can change the meaning is drastically different directions.

        1. londonedit*

          The floors thing is the same in the UK as in Australia – I live on the ground floor, if I go up a flight of stairs from here then I’ll be on the first floor. And of course chips are hot and crisps are crunchy!

      2. Cordelia*

        to me (from the UK), restroom is funny – you don’t go there for a rest! or indeed a bath. I don’t think people say lavatory much now – its either “toilet” or “loo”
        I lived in Canada for a while and my coworkers (in UK we’d usually say colleagues, so that’s another one) were highly amused by e.g. “half nine” for “9.30” (half-past nine). By the time I left the whole team were using it, always with a smile and a nod at me “we’ll meet at half two”. I like to think they still are!

        1. Charlotte Lucas*

          Occasionally, you’ll find a “rest area” with chairs & sometimes a chaise longue in fancier (and usually older) ladies’ rooms. (Nicer hotels and high-end department stores are where this came from.) I think that’s where “rest room” might come from.

          “Bathroom” makes sense for the room in a house, but I use “washroom” otherwise. In the US, “toilet” just means the piece of equipment.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            I’ve seen those seating areas at a university that started admitting women in the 19th c. Fainting, you know. /s (I blame the corsets for that.)

            1. allathian*

              And in Finnish: “puoli yhdeksän” and Swedish “halv nio”.
              Of course, in writing and formal speech we use the 24-hour clock pretty exclusively, but the 12-hour clock is used in informal speech when there’s no risk of confusion.

        3. Crackerjack*

          Would they say the full ‘half past nine’ or just never say that and always say ‘nine thirty’?

          The American convention of putting the month before the day when writing always throws me for a loop. If I see 12/29/21 I’ll be thinking Wha…? What is the 29th month??!

            1. The Dogman*

              If it was the programmer style it is fine (2021/11/06) or in the Uk style it makes sense (06/11/2021) but the US style is silly and makes not a bit of sense.

              The day first is simple, the year first is best for filing and data access, the month then day then year is just daft!

              1. WS*

                Japan and China also use 2021/11/06, which makes perfect sense to me, as does 06/11/2021. Mixing them up, no!

              2. Jackalope*

                When we read it in the US we would say December 29th, 2021. So the order is the order we would say it in.

                1. The Dogman*

                  I would suggest that that is an awkward and unusual framing of the English language.

                  Over here it would be said “The twenty ninth of December, twenty twenty-one”

          2. Gatomon*

            As an American, I literally cannot understand “29/12/21,” for the same exact reason! Or written out, like “29 December.” Do you read it as “the 29th of December”? Or “29 December”?

            Logically I understand why you’d want the order to be smallest -> largest, but my brain just can’t learn this.

            1. Crackerjack*

              You’d read it aloud as ‘the 29th of December’. And even if we were doing it the American way round, if it was written ‘December 29’ I’d read it aloud as ‘December the 29th.’ Or posssiiiibly ‘December 29th’ but I can’t not ‘th’ it!

              1. banoffee pie*

                you have to ‘th’ it! I couldn’t say December 29, just the number. I’d feel like Alexa or Siri or something

                1. londonedit*

                  Yes! And it’s the same with numbers – I’ve heard a lot of Americans say ‘one-hundred-four’ and that just sounds bizarre. We’d always say ‘one hundred and four’.

            2. I heart Paul Buchman*

              29 th of December or December 29th. We don’t say 29 without the th. For the little numbers we say the third of December. (Australia)

            3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              I write “6 November 2021” but also “11/6/21”. I think I started doing the first to avoid punctuation, honestly.

          3. Wandering*

            In French it’s “minus a quarter;” “10 moins quart” is 9:45. Half hours are more commonly added, eg “9 et demi” is 9:30.

            One of my favorite things about learning other languages is recognizing the idiosyncrasies of my own.

        4. GermanGirl*

          Ah, I’d get thoroughly confused by that one.

          German also has half nine but it means 8:30 – the clock has moved half of the way to nine. In the same way you can say quarter nine and three-quarter nine to indicate 8:15 and 8:45 BUT only about half of Germany understands this form of telling the time. The other half uses quarter past eight and quarter to nine for those times – but half nine for 8:30 is universal.

          So having finally come to terms with half past eight instead of half nine in English, I’d be so confused if someone said half nine without the “past”.

          1. WS*

            We used to have that in English, recently enough that my grandparents used it – “half of nine” means 8:30, “half past nine” means 9:30.

        5. Generic Name*

          I’m American, and I had never heard the term “restroom” when I was in kindergarten. I remember the teacher talking about the class’s schedule and when the restroom break would be. I was intrigued and wondered what a “rest room” looked like. I envisioned a room with soft carpeting and beanbags and imagined myself lying on a beanbag to rest. I was confused and disappointed when we were taken to the bathroom for our restroom break.

          1. Pennyworth*

            To me, bathroom and restroom are equally silly. You are not going there either to rest or to bathe. The euphemism ‘can’t go to the bathroom’ for constipation is beyond weird. But I am euphemism averse.

        6. RagingADHD*

          In the US, “colleague” is a broader term than “co-worker.” Your co-workers are people who work for the same employer and usually people you interact with regularly.

          Your colleagues are people who work in the same general field.

          1. Cheshire acat*

            Interesting, I’m also in the US but here we define the terms differently. Colleagues work for the same company but in different departments or roles, while co-workers are the people in my department/similar roles with whom I interact daily.

        7. banoffee pie*

          Is it true that Americans don’t say fortnight and just say two weeks? I love the word fortnight!

        8. Sleepy Student*

          In Dutch (like in German and Danish, I’ve just read) that means 8:30!
          When I was on exchange in Ireland in high school, my host family told me that breakfast was at half 7. I was not about to be rude to my host family, so I dutifully got up at 6 and was dressed and made up at 6:30, only to realise that, since the house was completely dark and quiet, it probably meant half past 7! Lesson learned! I love false friends, but I would’ve loved another hour of sleep more!

      3. Crackerjack*

        Most of the Australian ones are the same in England, but how do you ‘root’ for sex? That just brings up images of a pig snuffling for truffles – not sexy!

        1. The Dogman*

          In the sense of giving someone a good “rooting” is how I have heard it used… fairly crass but that is pretty standard for the Aussies…

        2. I heart Paul Buchman*

          Having a root or rooting is not sexy! It’s how teenage boys or extremely drunk, offensive men talk about sex. The term paints a picture :)

          1. allathian*

            Jerker used to be a fairly common Swedish given name, although it’s become a lot less popular in recent decades. Wanker is a Swedish family name, although it’s often spelled Wancker. I don’t know if anyone has the name Jerker Wancker in reality, but it’s perfectly possible.

        4. marvin the paranoid android*

          In Canada, we have a major (tourist-oriented) clothing store called Roots, and it is unfailingly amusing to Australians. To make things worse, the company’s icon is a beaver. I think the company should create a novelty branch office in Australia.

        5. Sc@rlettNZ*

          “but how do you ‘root’ for sex?” – They meant that the word ‘root’ also can be used to mean that you had sex with someone, e.g. I rooted my hot neighbour from next door would mean that you had shagged him.

      5. Carol the happy elf*

        My brother wondered why 3 people in his new school told him where to find some guy named “Lou”.

    2. JustForThis*

      Recently, some people on this site talked about inadvertently using “bye-bye” in work conversations and feeling silly afterward. English is not my first language, and I was really surprised to learn that “bye-bye” and especially “buh-bye” apparently are heard as very informal, maybe even childish. (I had thought it was totally fine to use in formal contexts, basically synonym to “good bye”.) I’d be really interested to find out whether this is a US/UK or otherwise regional thing.

      1. Richard Hershberger*

        American here. “Good-bye” is perfectly standard. “Bye” is less formal, but fine. “Bye-bye” is even less formal. It is what you say to a small child. It isn’t impossible in speech between adults, but I wouldn’t suggest it in a business context. You might instead use “Bye now” as another informal version that does seem juvenile.

        1. Virginia Plain*

          I used to work with someone that said bye bye bye bye bye and continued until he had replaced the receiver. I may have picked that up.

          But I think ba-bye/buy-bye with the first syllable said very quickly (b-bye, really), in a cheerful breezy voice, is pretty normal in the UK and not childish/for children. It is if you say bye-bye and give the first stable it’s full phonetic value like the second bye. No that makes nonsense!

          1. londonedit*

            Classic British way to end a phone call: ‘OK great, cheers, thanks, bye now, buh-bye…’

            I also know an Irish chap who ends every phone call with ‘Bye now, bye, bye, byebyebyebye…’

          2. Tayto*

            Not British, but all Irish people end their phone calls like this! Ok not all. But it’s pretty common.

            1. Crackerjack*

              I’ve a friend who does this and she does have Irish heritage! I had no idea it was a regional thing, I thought it was just a slightly annoying iteration of not wanting to be the first one to hang up.

              1. banoffee pie*

                Northern Irish here. It’s not childish to say bye bye here, or even bye bye bye bye! It shows warmth/affection and also we’re overly polite and don’t want to annoy the other person by hanging up first.

      2. Washi*

        I’m in New England and bye bye feels childish, but I hear buh-bye all the time at work. I think it must be a regional thing.

        1. Gatomon*

          My family is from New England and buh-bye is what they say, and I’ve mangled it into mm-bye. A simple bye feels a little terse though.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        My friend who’s a YouTuber (and ironically, lives in England now) says “Byes! Byes byes byes!” at the end of all her videos. It’s just a cute thing she does. I’ve never heard anyone else do it.

        Most people in the US say “Bye,” or “Later.” My Canadian friend says “Cheers” for thanks and also sometimes for goodbye.

        1. Crackerjack*

          Cheers for thank you is ubiquitous everywhere I’ve been in England and yes, also for a casual goodbye.

      4. RagingADHD*

        Most work contexts in the US are pretty informal in speech. It’s quite normal to say buh-bye to anyone you would call by their first name.

        If you would call them Mr/Ms, or by a title, then probably not. But it’s not a major faux pas or offensive in any way.

    3. Richard Hershberger*

      There is a blog on that topic, Separated by a Common Language, by an American linguist in London.

      1. Atheist Nun*

        Lynne Murphy’s book, The Prodigal Tongue, is excellent. She writes the blog “Separated by a Common Language.”

                1. LutherstadtWittenberg*

                  You’re right, and my memory is terrible. It’s ‘flyvemaskine’ in Danish, though!

    4. Astoria*

      To Americans, “scheme” has a connotation of crookedness or corruption – a scheme to defraud a bank, for example. I believe it is a neutral synonym for “plan” in Britain.

      1. Virginia Plain*

        Yes it doesn’t necessarily mean bad here; it might be used in a slightly derogatory way “oh that’s just Jeff next door, he’s got some scheme for recycling his his beard trimmings as wigs for bald hedgehogs…”
        But if one is scheming one is plotting evil!

    5. SarahKay*

      Washing up. In the US this means (as I understand it) to wash one’s hands before a meal. In the UK it means to wash the dishes after a meal.
      A UK mild swear, and informal description of testicles/balls: bollocks. Spelt with an O, not with a U. (U spelling seen in a number of Buffy fan-fics with US people writing dialogue for Spike.)

      2. RagingADHD*

        Washing up is also differently constructed. I have heard/read UK dialogue where people say they are going to “do the washing-up” or refer to dish soap as “washing-up liquid” (though that may be archaic/stereotypical rather than normal usage).

        In the US, you wash up (yourself) for a meal or wash up before bed. And after a meal you might say you washed up in reference to cleaning the kitchen, but it’s more common to say you “did the dishes”.

        1. Isobel*

          Washing-up liquid is what it’s called normally – it’s not archaic. And yes “thanks for doing the washing-up” or “whose turn is it to do the washing-up”.

        2. The Dogman*

          “(though that may be archaic/stereotypical rather than normal usage).”

          Nope, this is uses in the adverts for that product and every single person I have ever heard refer to such a product here in the UK called it “washing up liquid”.

          We call it that as “Detergent” is usually used to mean the stuff for washing clothes over here!

          1. banoffee pie*

            yeah I can’t think what else you would call it except washing-up liquid. Fairy I guess? Like Hoover lol

              1. The Dogman*

                Dish soap would be a bar of hand soap on a cermaic dish in the bathroom/toilet to me…

                Language is fun!

    6. Virginia Plain*

      So what the other meaning of mind you? I’m UK and to me it means, however/but/that being said/you must remember though…. Does it means something else in America?

      I have a question for USAians arising from reading notalwaysright earlier. What is the difference between a bartender and a “bar back”? Here we normally said barman/barmaid or bar steward, and we’d understand the use of bartender. They all do the same thing – serve drinks at the bar, take money, maybe collect glasses and put them in the dishwasher, take food orders perhaps, bring bottles up from the cellar or get someone to change a barrel. What does a bar back do?

      1. Meh*

        The bar back is the bartenders helper. They bus glasses, can cut fruit, get ice, refill the beer, etc. Usually the bar back receives a cut of the bartenders tips.

      2. Crackerjack*

        Yeah I don’t think we have bar backs in the UK the barman/maid does it all. Maybe the KP helps if it’s a restaurant (KP is a kitchen porter, washer upper basically).

        Mind you as I’ve seen it used on here seems to mean ‘and what’s more…’ kind of like we would use ‘bear in mind’. To me in the UK, it means the opposite, more like ‘on the other hand’. So I’ve seen people say, for eg ‘my boss didn’t approve my leave request. Mind you, I had never taken a sick day or personal day in three years…’ whereas we would say ‘my boss didn’t approve my leave. Mind you, I had just had two weeks off sick unexpectedly, so…’ It sort of suggests an extenuating circumstance.

        1. Batgirl*

          Pubs in my area (Liverpool) used to hire teenagers as glass collectors. They were made known to the regulars as being legally unable to serve. You don’t see them much any more.

          1. londonedit*

            Yes that’s true! Same in my bits of England (London/south-west). You’re right, you don’t see young glass collectors in pubs anymore.

            Another point – I’ve worked out over the years what ‘bus’ means in terms of restaurants/bars but we don’t use that term here. We’d just say clearing tables or collecting glasses.

        2. A Wall*

          Only busy or fancy bars have barbacks, in other cases the bartenders do that stuff themselves. You get the extra job of a barback in bars where you need the extra hands to handle things that the bartenders don’t have time to get to if they’re also making drinks– especially stuff that requires someone to leave the back bar to go to a storage area or kitchen or whatever.

      3. MissCoco*

        I’m from the US and I think “mind you” can mean all of the above depending on context, but probably the most common usage would be closest to that being said.
        I’m curious to hear what the difference between the definitions is from someone who’s aware of it

        1. Eden*

          Yeah, those are all along the same lines as far as I (US) amd concerned. People here would say and understand both

      4. RagingADHD*

        In the US, children are told to mind the teacher or mind their parents, meaning listen to and obey.

        I believe in the UK it’s common to say someone minds children, meaning to tend and care for.

        Does the London Underground still announce “Mind the gap?” In the US, that sense of “mind” would be “watch out” or “look out” or “beware”. On the NYC subway they just say “Stand clear of the closing doors.” You have to mind the gap all on your own.

        1. Crackerjack*

          ‘Mind you’, from the Cambridge English dictionary:
          ‘used when you want to make what you have just said sound less strong:
          He’s very untidy about the house; mind you, I’m not much better.
          I know I’m lazy – I did go swimming yesterday, mind.’

          That’s what it means in English. It tempers the previous statement. But Merriam Webster has a very similar definition so maybe it does mean that in the US too and there’s just been some idiosyncratic use in the comment section of this site!

          I did find this:

          ‘A phrase used to indicate that someone must consider or pay attention to a particular piece of information:
          They can certainly afford to give some of their profits back to their employees, mind you.’

          We wouldn’t use it like that, just for emphasis. Only to correct or temper what we’ve just said.

          Re: ‘mind the gap’ – they do still say that! I think for all the examples you gave, ‘mind’ would mean ‘pay attention to’. Pay attention to your teachers, these children in your care, this huge step up from the train to the platform. But I have never (Cornwall, far south west) been asked to ‘mind’ my younger siblings or similar; we’d say ‘look after’ (so again with the connotation of watching them, paying attention).

        2. Virginia Plain*

          Yes London transport still exhorts us to mind the gap – not at every single station I don’t think but at some, often those with a curved platform, there is definitely a gap to mind. Clapham junction springs to mind!
          Thanks for the explanation of bar back! As others have said we do sometimes have glass collectors in pubs that are under 18 and so can’t serve alcohol. They do the washing up too! But pubs don’t normally have table service – in a restaurant etc the waiter or waitress (we don’t really say server) will clear the table and a bus is what you ride on to get home.

      5. A Wall*

        A barback is to a bartender as a busboy is to a server/waiter. It’s a lower-level job where you do all the little scut things (clearing and washing dirty dishes, getting things from storage, hauling ice from the back to the wells the bartenders are working at) that the people directly serving customers couldn’t get to without ignoring the customers too much.

        Not all bars have or need barbacks, it depends on how busy the place is and what kind of bar it is. In many places a bartender has plenty of time to do all those things themselves, and in other places they don’t.

        Also, as someone who used to work in bars, no Americans know what barbacks are either ;P Unless you work in the industry, that is. Customers assume barbacks are just bad bartenders that are ignoring them 99.999% of the time. And they can’t just say “oh no, I’m the barback” because no one knows what that means. What you usually do is gesture to the bartender they should be talking to and say “[name] is your bartender, they will help you in just a moment” or something.

    7. Virginia Plain*

      Ooh I’ve got one. Apple cider!
      I believe in the USA that pertains to pressed apple juice, no alcohol, that we would call cloudy apple juice. If fermented to produce alcohol, that is hard cider. Whereas here, apple juice is just called that, and cider specifically the alcoholic beverage (to us, apple cider sounds like saying grape wine). I was very confused a few years ago when I read a US person talking about getting hot spiced cider in Starbucks.

      I could also do with some direction about hard seltzer or any seltzer. So hard means with alcohol, but is seltzer just fizzy water (we’d say soda water) or fizzy mineral water or is is flavoured, is it a fizzy drink like sprite or something? I only ever use the word in the context of an otc medicine called alka-seltzer which is a soluble tablet of paracetamol (acetaminophen!) or maybe aspirin I forget, with antacids. Disgusting but great for a hangover.

      1. Meh*

        Hard seltzer has alcohol in it, usually flavored and canned. Seltzer/soda water would be your fizzy water. Plain and used as a mixer for alcohol- it’s generally not consumed on its own in the US (fizzy mineral water or flavored soda water yes). Sprite wouldn’t be called fizzy water, that is soda or pop.

        1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

          I prefer plain soda water to regular sodas or even flavored soda water, and have for decades. I’m in the Midwest U.S.

      2. Amey*

        Cloudy apple juice isn’t the same as apple cider! I’m an American who has lived in the UK for a long time and I’ve never found an equivalent to American apple cider here, I just don’t think it’s something that exists in the UK.

        1. Virginia Plain*

          So what is it? You press your apples and the juice comes out, then what? If you don’t do anything else then that would be cloudy apple juice (as you haven’t filtered it to make it clear). What’s the thing that makes it apple cider? Are further flavours added?

          1. Patty Mayonnaise*

            With apple cider you boil the water, juice, and apples (and other things to add flavor) for several hours, which I think creates a much denser drink.

          2. PT*

            A lot of juices in the US are heavily processed and contain added/fake sugar. They’re not really juice so much as fruit soda without carbonation.

            Nonalcoholic cider is made from 100% fresh apples. It spoils if it’s not kept refrigerated.

      3. PollyQ*

        In the US, traditionally selzer water is plain carbonated water with just a teeny bit of salt. But lightly-flavored, unsweetened selzer water has gotten hugely popular over the past few years, so that’s probably what someone means if they say “selzer water.” Flavors are often citrus or fruit. Sodas, which would include Sprite, are more strongly flavored and sweetened, either with sugar, corn syrup, or an artificial sweetener.

        Cider used to just mean cloudy apple juice, but hard ciders have become much more popular in the past couple decades, so depending on context, “cider” by itself might mean hard cider.

        1. The Dogman*

          What you call “Soda” we call “fizzy” while “Soda” to us means just carbonated water.

          The slightly fizzy, possibly mineral enhanced waters are “tonics” over here…

          1. Virginia Plain*

            Ooh Dogman where is “here” to you? I’m in Britain and only know tonic water as the fizzy mixer with a little quinine in that you put in gin. Many artisanal hipster varieties are available with fancy extra botanicals but they all have that traditional slight bitterness and definitely aren’t flavoured mineral waters.

            1. The Dogman*

              Yes the UK, I am in South Wales…

              My wife is an afficianado of the flavoured tonics, she particularly like the tangerine flavoured ones!

        2. Sleeping Late Every Day*

          Midwest U.S. use: Apple juice is usually the super-filtered shelf-stable drink. Cider is usually fresh and made seasonally and is cloudy and much more flavorful. Hard cider is the boozy stuff, sold with the beer selections. Then there’s apple schnapps, apple brandy, and other liqueur/liquor goodies.

      4. Clisby*

        Cider in the US isn’t necessarily made from apples, although that’s the most common. If someone just said “cider” I’d assume apple, but I’ve seen peach cider and pear cider for sale here. Just like wine isn’t necessarily made from grapes. If someone didn’t specify, I’d assume grapes, but of course you can make wine out of many different fruits.

    8. Expiring Cat Memes*

      Oh, my husband is North American and I’m Australian so we regularly have fun with this. It’s especially funny when one of us inadvertently uses the other’s expression. Here’s what comes to mind (US vs AU):

      Sidewalk vs footpath
      Doing the laundry vs the washing
      Taking out the trash vs rubbish
      Going to the store vs shops
      Parking lot vs carpark
      Petrol station vs servo
      Thrift store vs op shop
      Liquor store vs bottle-o
      Cask wine vs goon
      Afternoon vs arvo
      Getting up early vs at sparrow’s (fart)
      Biscuits vs biccies
      Warm beverage vs cuppa
      Tracksuit pants vs trakkie-dacks
      Flip-flops vs thongs
      Thongs vs g-strings
      Swimsuit vs togs
      Take-out vs take-away
      Crisps vs chips
      Fries vs chips
      Corn chips vs chips
      Pretzels vs chips
      Carpenter vs chippie
      Electrician vs sparky
      Tradesman vs tradie
      That man vs old mate
      That woman vs old love
      Holy shit! vs Bloody hell!
      Not the sharpest knife in the drawer vs a few stubbies short of a six-pack
      A little crazy vs a few ‘roos loose in the top paddock
      Hmmm vs yeah nah

      1. Meh*

        Does North American = Canadian, because petrol station isn’t one the Americans use. We don’t use petrol at all. Just good ‘ol gas ;)

        1. Expiring Cat Memes*

          Yes, lol! Although come to think of it, I don’t know now if petrol station is me just trying to find the actual English word to explain wtf a servo is or if it’s what he would actually say back home. Servo is now firmly in his vernacular.

        2. Oui je parle franglais*

          Canadians also say gas in English. Technically it’s pétrole in French but half the time we just say gaz (which is an anglicisme/Franglais word since gaz really means gas like helium or oxygen). Don’t know if that’s universal to all forms of Canadian French, there’s quite a bit of variation regionally.

            1. Oui, je parle Franglais*

              Yes, sorry, I thought I was being clear that I am talking about the Canadian context. You do see essence here too on signs etc but I’ve never heard anyone say it. But again, maybe that’s not what people do in the Gaspésie, never spent time there. Canadian French is very very regional.

      2. Idyllic Gulag*

        Also North American (US) and a tradesman – we definitely call electricians sparkies. Not considered disrespectful, unlike calling the plumbers “waterboys”, the carpenters “wood butchers”, and the ironworkers “boltheads”.

        In my experience, the general American public doesn’t use the term though.

        1. londonedit*

          I love the Finnish version, which is ‘doesn’t have all the Moomins in the valley’. The British version would be ‘a sandwich short of a picnic’.

          1. the cat's ass*

            or, not traveling with a full seabag (coastal new england)
            the elevation doesnt go all the way to the top
            a few fries short of a happy meal…

            whyyyyy to i know these (from childhood)

            1. banoffee pie*

              The Moomins could get quite dark and sad at times. At least it seemed that way to me when I was a kid. I loved the show/programme though. (just keeping the theme going there lol)

              1. allathian*

                I just did a few years ago. I read them aloud to my son in the original Swedish, like my dad did when I was a kid.

      4. Rockette J Squirrel*

        I’ll be actively looking for an opportunity to use “a few roos loose in the top paddock”. I love this!
        Thanks!

      5. Lurker*

        Thongs and g-strings are actually different though. A thong has a wider piece of cloth, whereas a g-string is much thinner – like a string.

          1. Windchime*

            When I was a kid (U.S.), thongs did indeed go on your feet. At that time, they were usually made of a rubber-type material. It’s only been in the last couple of decades that the word came to mean a type of racy underwear, and then people started calling the rubber shoes “flip flops”. But people of my generation (I’m 60) grew up calling those “thongs”.

            1. Ampersand*

              I’m glad to hear this—in the 80s my mom called her flip flops “thongs” so that’s what I grew up hearing. But I never heard everyone else say it, and then the 90s happened and the meaning of the word changed. I didn’t know if it was commonly used in the US or if it was just my mom. In my head I still call them thongs!

          2. Lurker*

            Missing my point. Missing Cat Memes used the example that the Australian “equivalent” of thong (underwear) is g-string. My point is that a thong and a g string are actually two distinctly different types of underwear. It’s like saying an A-line skirt is the same as a pencil skirt. They’re similar in that they’re both skirts, but they are not the same.

    9. The Cosmic Avenger*

      One of the less common ones, but one I’ll never forget is marrow (UK) meaning zucchini (US), not the pith or core of something, usually bones (US). This is because I used to work for the American Red Cross in a laboratory that did tissue typing, largely for bone marrow transplants. So I had a tee shirt from the “National Marrow Donor Program”, or NMDP, a large nonprofit in the US that funds testing for those who need bone marrow transplants. It was hilarious when I wore this shirt in England, someone asked me about it, and explained their standard use of marrow, and I realized it sounded like a food bank for one type of squash!

      1. Crackerjack*

        Ha! Yeah we do use marrow to mean the heart of something ‘get to the marrow of the matter’, but if we meant bone marrow we’d probably say bone marrow. And to me, the translation for zucchini is courgette – marrow is something different (although maybe not much different… Bigger, more tasteless!)

        1. Zucchini farmer*

          Yes, good, I run a vegetable farm on the US east coast and we pick zucchini at a slim size before the seeds enlarge and the flesh gets spongy; I thought this was a courgette across the pond. I had always understood the British “marrow” squash to be some sort of overgrown summer squash left to get huge and I guess tasteless? (As opposed to a winter squash, left on the plant to grow to maturity, which becomes tasty when cooked.)

          Interestingly, judging from the language of people who come to work here, there is some regional (?) disagreement about whether “summer squash” encompasses both zucchini and yellow (crookneck) squash, or whether zucchini is one type of squash and summer squash is a different type (including yellow squash, pattypan, etc, but NOT zucchini). To me, they are all summer squash, as opposed to the hard-rind long-storing winter squash.

          1. londonedit*

            A marrow is like a giant courgette/zucchini and they’re usually pretty tasteless! Courgette is just the British word for zucchini. I’m not sure what a summer squash is! We have butternut squash (which Australians call pumpkins) and other squash like acorn squash etc, and then orange pumpkins like you’d have for Halloween. There’s also the aubergine/eggplant difference!

            1. Amey*

              Summer squash is yellow courgette! Marrows are just really big overgrown courgettes (zucchini) which everyone who grows their own vegetables gets sometimes.

              1. Crackerjack*

                Yeah I think marrows used to be more common than courgettes in England (possibly due to the obsession with growing prize vegetables for the village fair…?) but because they tasted like nothing we decided to stop it and pick them as courgettes instead. I rarely see a marrow in the shops but sometimes I have to eat one when my dad left me to look after his garden and I missed a courgette to harvest.

              2. Pennyworth*

                No, a vegetable marrow is not the same as a zucchini/courgette. It is pale green and completely tasteless. My mother used to serve it to us at least once a week in summer.

                1. Amey*

                  In British usage now a marrow is absolutely a very large left on the plant courgette and they definitely are watery and tasteless. I know links get blocked in comments for a while but if you Google ‘What is a marrow?’ and click the BBC Food link, it’s defined that way and what all the gardeners around me call it! I’ve always wondered whether there was a different definition in the past – I feel like Poirot retiring to grow vegetable marrows has to be more than just oversized tasteless courgettes.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I always think of the disappearance of Mr. Brown’s prize marrow in More About Paddington and how he played detective to find it. Turns out Mrs. Brown accidentally cooked it for dinner, lol.

    10. Glomarization, Esq.*

      To “table” something, like a discussion or motion or proposal, at a meeting is 100% opposite in U.S. and U.K./Canada English. My work is back and forth between Canada and the States and I swear I have to take a second, every single time, when someone says they want to “table” a discussion.

      1. Crackerjack*

        Wait.. what does that mean in the US? I would think to table a discussion meant to arrange a discussion, to set one up.

        1. Glomarization, Esq.*

          In the U.S. you’ll often hear “let’s table that for later,” meaning, “let’s postpone that agenda item until another time.”

            1. Glomarization, Esq.*

              Well, from Parliament to professional meetings, I’ve only ever heard it to mean “this is on the agenda and we’re about to start talking about it now.” Maybe different areas of Canada use it differently. My experience is Toronto/Ottawa and Atlantic Canada.

        2. GermanGirl*

          Iirc in the US it means to put a topic aside for at least the rest of the meeting (sometimes even the rest of the project) and focus on something else.

          1. Calm Water*

            I guess I have heard both used but understood from context whether the matter was to be set aside or addressed next. Language is weird!

        4. fhqwhgads*

          In the US it means you are taking it off the agenda/deferring the discussion. So in the US “let’s table that for now” means “let’s stop discussing this and do it at another time”. Like Glamorization, Esq said, the opposite of what it means in the UK.

    11. My Brain Is Exploding*

      I’ll just throw in a couple I haven’t seen yet (we lived in England for three years):
      aubergine for eggplant
      pudding for dessert (that one took a while for me to understand!)
      spring greens for collards (had a southern friend who saw fields of them, went to the store, asked for collards, got a blank stare…finally figured it out)

      1. Crackerjack*

        Ooh I’d never heard the word collards!

        For what it’s worth, I would never say pudding for dessert. To me that’s an upper class terminology (or upper middle). Dessert is standard here on restaurant menus and amongst normal people talk but in Cornwall wed say ‘afters’.

        2. Laura Petrie*

          I’m a working class northerner and we have pudding after tea! To me it’s a normal term and never considered it to be posh.

          We did play tig at primary school. I was so confused about tag…

        3. londonedit*

          Middle-class/upper-middle southern English here and it’s always been pudding in my family.

          Don’t get a group of Brits from different parts of the country started on the lunch/dinner/tea/supper conversation…!

          1. banoffee pie*

            Too late! Here in Northern Ireland the upper-middle class have dinner and the others (like my family) have tea :)

            1. Crackerjack*

              In Cornwall, front room or sitting room. But we actually sit in the kitchen most of the time. Sitting room for best.

              We have dinner at 1ish and tea at 6ish and supper just before bed (well an hour or half an hour before bed), probably a piece of cake and a cup of tea. And crowse mid morning (more cake and tea).

            2. banoffee pie*

              I’ve heard all three. Round here, lounge and sitting room would be posher than living room. Sitting room is probably most like what *we think* English people say (even if they don’t!), therefore posher lol

        4. RagingADHD*

          Collards and kale are closely related, and are both relatives of the cabbage and broccoli family.

      2. RagingADHD*

        And US pudding is UK custard.

        US spring greens are a salad mix, like baby arugula (rocket), baby spinach, etc.

        1. Crackerjack*

          OH! I did not realise arugula was rocket! I thought it was a different salad lead we didn’t have here! Like alfalfa (? don’t tell me that’s just an American term for watercress or something!)

          But would an American eat pudding like we would eat custard i.e. hot, served over apple pie or jam roly poly? It always seems to appear in hospital dinners (e.g. on Grey’s Anatomy) in little pots, eaten on its own, presumably cold. If so, I think that’s more blancmange than custard.

          1. fposte*

            Yes, I don’t think it’s exactly the same–it’s not a topping, and we don’t have a pourable version of it. And it’s a genus–the closest would be vanilla pudding, but there’s chocolate pudding and banana pudding, etc. We wouldn’t just say “pudding.” It’s also somewhat old-fashioned now; the banana pudding (nanner pudding, as it’s often known) is a thing that our parents and grandparents might have made, and the others are superseded in fashion by mousses and foams.

            1. Crackerjack*

              Yes, that’s blancmange. Or Angel Delight as it’s almost universally known here, after the famous instant packet brand. That’s another thing I don’t know if Americans do – co-opt brand names to be a generic name for the item – maybe I’m just not exposed to it because of course they can’t do it in films, but here you ‘do the hoovering’ whatever brand of vacuum cleaner you’re using, ‘Fairy Liquid’ means washing up liquid whatever it is, etc.

              1. fposte*

                Huh, I’d never put those together. Pudding usually has much less thickener (and never gelatin, IME, so it’s more like mayonnaise or ketchup texture rather than something moldable); people who make it homemade these days often add eggs. But it’s mostly made out of a packet anyway, which is where it has some similarities with custard. So I’d say blancmange but leaning toward custard.

                1. fposte*

                  To be clear, I mean “I *had* never put those together,” not “I *would* never put those together.” I think you’ve called it that they’re essentially the same.

              2. pumpkin socks*

                yes, brand names for generic thing is absolutely done. “kleenex” for tissues comes to mind. There’s a couple of others that I can’t think of right now…

                2. Owler*

                  Google (verb for search). Zoom (any video call). I don’t think Zoom will last.

                  Xerox (photocopy), Kleenex (tissue for blowing your nose), Band-aid (bandage or plaster), Ziploc (plastic storage bags)…

                3. SarahKay*

                  Dymo label printers – historically used to print black text on a yellow strip of sticky-backed plastic, although they now print a much wider range of labels.
                  I work for a company that makes its own version and we are strongly encouraged to ‘Buy-Own-Brand’ so mostly we have Own Brand and they still get called dymo printers by pretty much everyone. Apparently the site that makes them is very bitter about this.

                5. Brrrrr*

                  Post-It for piece of self-sticking notepaper (though we also frequently call them stickies). Sharpie for permanent coloured marker that writes on almost anything.
                  Tylenol for acetaminophen and Advil for Ibuprofen (pain-killers).

    12. fposte*

      Bakeoff can be a great source of those. A Canadian friend and I just went down a Google hole on honeycomb/hokey pokey/sponge candy. It turns out there’s a whole Wikipedia article on its many names.

      Oh, and I was stunned to find that areas in the English North play tig and not tag. It seems so tied to the verb that I can’t wrap my mind around that.

        1. fposte*

          Oh, another one! When you touch somebody in the game, would you say you ticked them? Or is it only the name of the game?

        2. SarahKay*

          So glad you said that as I’d always called it ‘tick’ but over the years it only over seemed to be Tig or Tag. I’d been beginning to wonder if I’d just spend my childhood mis-hearing / mis-pronouncing Tig.

      2. Jules of the River*

        Bakeoff is full of those! I just watched an episode where cakes were topped with a “jelly” layer and it took me a minute to realize they meant a large layer of sweetened, decorated gelatin. In America jelly is a spread made of fruit juice, jam is a spread of fruit pieces, and preserves is a spread of whole fruit – although I’ve heard people use the terms more or less interchangeably they all mean something you’d put on toast, while sweetened gelatin is universally called “jello”.

      3. The Dogman*

        Tig is the name in the South and in Scotland too…

        I don’t think I have ever heard it called Tag outside of american media.

      5. banoffee pie*

        It’s tig in Northern Ireland too. When you catch the person you say ‘you’re it’ for some reason.

        1. fposte*

          Oh, we would say “You’re it” in American, too. “It” was basically a job title, so somebody would say “Who’s it?” and you’d say “banoffee pie” or “fposte.”

    13. My Brain Is Exploding*

      another one: spouse was looking for denatured alcohol in England. Couldn’t find any. Eventually read a book and discovered that he should have been looking for methylated spirits.

    14. Chaordic One*

      I was minorly shocked when my Irish/Scottish cousins referred to my grandfather as being a “fresh” old man. I thought they meant he had made a sexually inappropriate comment or they felt he had gotten fresh with them, so I questioned them. Apparently they meant he was spry, youthful, healthy and active or something like that.

      1. Wireknitter*

        As an American exchange student in England, I was unprepared for the shock on my friends faces when I innocently remarked at a meal that I needed to cut my bangs-trim my fringe is what I was told I should have said.

    15. Tea and Sympathy*

      Quite! Coworker A (English) once told me (American) that he didn’t think that Coworker B (Irish) liked him much. So when B happened to say that he thought A was “quite nice”, I happily, helpfully passed that along to A…who told me that the UK meaning of quite is fairly, as opposed to the US meaning of very. Oops. That was awkward.

      1. The Dogman*

        Yeah that old understatement thing can be tricky in UK English, sometimes it is just understated, and others, like that one for you, it is actually just being polite.

        Sorry that happened, must have been a bit of a moment! ;)

        (BTW in that context “quite nice” probably really translates to a number of unprintables, someone might have had a spot of the old “Oi’m Irish so I hates the English” going on, sadly we still have lots of Welsh, Scots and Irish people who are prejudiced against all English people regardless of whether said English persons Great-Great-etcetcetc-Grandparents had any part in oppressing their Celtic Great-etcetcetc-Grandparents.)

        “Please, tell me more” is another tricky one… in the US it means literally that, in the UK it basically means “leave now and I don’t care if you die somewhere!”

        The differences can be pretty entertaining if we are a step or two back from any embarrassment! ;)

      2. Pennyworth*

        Floor seems to have a much wider meaning in the UK (from watching ambulance programs). I think of floors just being inside buildings, in the UK it seem to be inside and outside.

        1. allathian*

          Yes, although I suspect that’s regional. At least when I lived in the West Country in the mid-80s, floor only referred to the surface you walk on inside a building, or at any rate covered by a roof, as in a covered railway station. But when I’ve watched British ambulance programs, it seems to refer to any paved surface, whether indoors or out.

        2. Virginia Plain*

          Yes from watching US tv the word ground is often used when we would say floor. If I said someone fell on the floor I would not be specifying inside or outside.

      3. I take tea*

        I’ve has something similar with Swedish and Danish, somebody said something like “they could tolerate me fairly well”. Turned out that it was a much more positive statement in Danish.

    16. Jules of the River*

      US vs UK:
      – Baking soda vs bicarbonate of soda
      – Acetominophen vs paracetomol
      – Minivan vs people mover
      – Candies vs sweeties

      Also, the term “car park” makes me smile every time. I always briefly imagine it’s something like a dog park: a designated space for cars to let loose and run around with each other.

      1. banoffee pie*

        Car parks can be like that, especially round here ;) Parking lot sounds funny to me, I don’t know why.

        1. Virginia Plain*

          We don’t really use “lot” in that sense, do we? Like our version of a vacant lot would be a building site (construction site?) or an abandoned building or “where the old Saab garage used to be but they knocked it down”. A “lot” to me suggests something in an auction.

          1. banoffee pie*

            ‘Lot’ screams ‘auction’ to me. Parking lot is starting to grow on me though, maybe cos I read this blog so much. I would say building site, not construction site, or ‘where that used to be but they knocked it down’! That’s exactly what I would say too. We mustn’t be as succint as Americans haha

            1. Ampersand*

              Which is funny, because I’ve always thought car park was so much more succinct than parking lot. :)

    17. New Dog Owner*

      I haven’t lived in the UK for 20 years but I had to laugh when I got the line edits back on my book – so many British-isms I had never noticed before! “Grey” instead of “gray,” lots of “towards” and “amidst” (I guess Americans … don’t use the s??) and at least one reference to a brand name that apparently isn’t recognized over here. Whoops!

      1. LutherstadtWittenberg*

        My editorial style guide dictates that I remove the ‘-s’ from words such as ‘towards’ and ‘forwards’ and the ‘-st’ from ‘amongst’ or ‘amidst.’ These spellings are considered British English. The guide deems American English spelling to be ‘toward,’ ‘forward,’ ‘among,’ and ‘amid.’ You can also see by my punctuation that I’m in the U.S.
        All of this is arbitrary and prescriptive and something I’ve seen in a few guides over many years. The spellings you use are acceptable here, and you shouldn’t be knocked for them.

        1. banoffee pie*

          I’ve just done some proofreading qualifications, and ‘amidst, whilst’ etc are considered old-fashioned in the UK now too. They definitely slow down the action in a novel, imo. The style guides seem to be advising amid, while etc now.

          1. LutherstadtWittenberg*

            I understand the reasoning for that, and it’s likely why we excise those endings. I find so many examples of ‘amidst’ and ‘amongst’ when I edit that I suspect no one told Noah Webster to drop them from his dictionary.

      2. Random Biter*

        Dear UK friends, never offer to “knock up” an American unless you really do want to have kids with them

    18. WoodswomanWrites*

      Back in the 1980s, I worked at a place in the US that hosted British interns for the summer. We were doing door-to-door fundraising and at the end of each evening we would have to do paperwork manually to record everything, using pencils rather than pens so we could erase any mistakes, doing it as a group. One of the interns didn’t have a good eraser on his pencil, and asked if anyone else had one. But because of the difference in language, he asked, “Does anyone have a rubber?” Of course we all burst out laughing because we were thinking he was asking for a condom.

      I lived in Scotland for a bit, doing housekeeping at a bed and breakfast in exchange for my housing there. The man who ran the bed and breakfast was English. If I was trying to emphasize something I was talking about, I would finish a sentence with the word “period” as many Americans do. Eventually the man of the couple asked me, “Why are you saying menstruation?” That was how I learned that the correct phrase was “full stop.”

      1. The Dogman*

        ” “Why are you saying menstruation?” That was how I learned that the correct phrase was “full stop.””

        Actually Lol’d, and my dogs think I am mad again now…

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          It’s especially funny to me now because he was a reserved person, and I can only imagine how tough it was for him to even bring that up.

          1. The Dogman*

            I think I know that type of person, he would have had a hard time getting to the stage of bringing it up I know!

            Poor him lol.

      3. comityoferrors*

        Yes! James Acaster has a great bit about the terrible “rubbers” (erasers to me as an American) from a museum gift shop and I was 50-75% through the joke the first time before I realized he was not buying cheap museum condoms. I’ve re-watched his specials so many times and that one still never sounds quite right to me, even knowing what he means.

    19. Girasol*

      Sitting around the campfire once a British woman said she was going to bed and asked her husband to “knock me up in the morning.” The Americans laughed because to them “knocked up” isn’t “wakened” but “made pregnant.”

      2. marvin the paranoid android*

        Similarly, I learned the hard way that the phrase “I’m full” in French means “I’m pregnant” translated into Italian.

    20. Seeking Second Childhood*

      ‘This is different to that.” — UK
      ‘This is different from that.” — US
      Declared incorrect by English teachers but commonly used: ‘This is different than that.” — US
      ‘Knock you up’ — UK it means knock on the door to visit. US it is vulgar way to say get you pregnant.

      1. fposte*

        Yes, “different to” is a great one. I think it shows how difficult it is to get the right preposition for comparatives.

        1. Virginia Plain*

          My mum would scold me for saying “different to”; I think it is strictly speaking “bad English”. But not as bad as “different than”.
          Other things I was not to say:
          I’m going [destination] (omitting the “to”
          I don’t want no (or other double negatives)

      2. londonedit*

        No way – ‘different from’ is standard British English! And ‘knocked up’ in that sense is either archaic or regional, it means ‘get pregnant’ where I’m from.

    21. banoffee pie*

      UK US
      (in a car)
      boot trunk
      bonnet hood
      glove box glove compartment

      (kitchen stuff)
      icing sugar confectioner’s/powdered sugar
      rocket arugula
      self-raising flour self-rising flour
      biscuits cookies
      coriander cilantro
      swede rutabaga

      And gumption is more like common sense here, whereas in ask a manager land it seems to be extreme cheek in putting yourself forward for jobs ;)

      1. Lilith*

        Please, UKers, I’m in the US. Tell the group what your version of ‘homely’ means.
        Also, I’ve been watching this British show called GPs (can’t recall the rest of the title). These doctors call rectums ‘back passages.’ Hilarious

        1. allathian*

          In the US you’d probably say homey when you mean what the British mean by homely, cozy and homelike. Someone who likes to keep a nice and cozy house and who has simple tastes and is unpretentious could be described as homely in the UK. By this definition, it’s possible to be both attractive and homely. In the UK, a fairly unattractive woman would probably be called plain, I suspect. Maybe a British poster could confirm?

          1. Virginia Plain*

            I can confirm that (although we spell it cosy!). I only know that homely means or meant a bit unattractive from reading Anne if Green Gables. I remember being somewhat confused – why is something that is like a home, ugly?! Homes are nice!

            GPs are primary care physicians I gather, and yes they do say things like back passage; I think here we are a bit more coy about using the anatomical terms for things, well maybe partly coy and partly speaking to a patient in terms familiar to them. But in general casual speech outside any medical context, we say womb rather than uterus, and will go through a large number of other words before we say vagina.

          2. Crackerjack*

            Yeah we’d say plain. I, too, only discovered the American meaning from Anne of Green Gables.

            Back passage is a common euphemism for rectum, not rude, just intended to be relatable and clear I suspect. Do Americans not have that sort of casual, non swearing slang for body parts/functions? See also: passing wind, time of the month, lady parts, willy, tummy. Although I don’t think a doctor would say lady parts or willy I’ve heard all the others from medical staff.

            1. banoffee pie*

              I’m in the UK (Northern Ireland) and tbh I can never take the term ‘back passage’ seriously. There’s something daft about it. Yes, it’s a me thing. I think most people think it’s a perfectly cromulent word ;)

            2. Ampersand*

              I’m amused that you said a euphemism is used for clarity, haha. I’m thinking back to when I was pregnant (I’m in the U.S.) and so there was lots of talk about my various body parts—high risk pregnancy required lots of appointments—and I don’t recall my doctors using euphemisms. That would have stood out to me. I think American doctors are more likely to use anatomical names, overall. I would think to be a doctor you can’t be squeamish, and also you’d only use euphemisms if you’re squeamish. I have no idea if this is accurate—and it may be wholly American—just my perception!

            3. LutherstadtWittenberg*

              ‘Anne of Green Gables’ is a Canadian book and television series! Canadian English has a mix, it seems.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Oh and let’s not forget snogging. US readers of Harry Potter now recognize it, but my teenager says is rarely used.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          There was a thread (heh) here a month or so ago that discussed the different meanings of ‘vest’. Tank tops and waistcoat were in there and I got them all mixed up in my mind.

        2. Clisby*

          Yeah, I had never heard that term pre-Harry Potter. I pretty much understood it from the context, but had to look it up to be sure.

          I remember once listening to a 3rd-grader read aloud from one of the Potter books, and it said something about people wearing their “dinner things.” She looked up, completely confused, and said, “What are dinner things?”

          I did know what that meant, but agreed with her that it sounded odd.

    24. My Brain Is Exploding*

      OOH…yard v garden! In the US we say the back or front yard, which Brits interpret as being paved. To Brits, this grassy area is the garden, where to those in the US, the garden implies specific growing of flowers or vegetables.

    25. marvin the paranoid android*

      My favourite is “pants.” When I’m speaking to my elderly British relatives I have to be careful to say “trousers” to avoid scandalizing them. However, I’m very fond of “pants” as an adjective, although if I say it to fellow Canadians, they are usually confused. Another of my favourite expressions is “I can’t be arsed” but it doesn’t work with a Canadian accent.

      1. Cordelia*

        I’m English, worked in Canada for a while and got used to wearing Dress Pants to work. Eventually got over my amusement, and even got accustomed to Comfort Pants – dress pants sold by a particular store, with elasticated waists…. Pants, of course, are underpants/knickers.

        1. Cordelia*

          ooh, and another one just came to me (I like this game!)
          My Canadian friends found “swimming costume” hilarious, but couldn’t explain why “bathing suit” was any better

          1. marvin the paranoid android*

            I think both are objectively ridiculous, but you get inoculated to it once you’ve heard it enough. Along the clothing line, I think a lot of Canadians are confused by “fancy dress” and take it to mean wearing expensive clothing. It seems like a fun term to me, though. I don’t think we have an exact equivalent.

      2. banoffee pie*

        I love pants as an adjective. It wouldn’t work so well if pants just meant trousers here ;)

      3. marvin the paranoid android*

        And actually, this is a full other discussion, but I love Polari and get excited whenever I hear a Polari word or phrase in the wild. A few have made it over into North America through drag and gay culture generally, but it’s a lot thicker on the ground in the UK, for obvious reasons.

    26. I take tea*

      Thank you all for this thread! It’s been a joy to read, and informative. We are usually taught British English in school, but have much cultural influence from the US, so both versions are somewhat familiar, but not to this extent. Australia was a bonus – but no NZ here?

    27. Random Biter*

      I recently discovered I had a 2nd cousin in England (YAY!) and we’ve been having the whole “why do you say…?” conversation. He dislikes the term “math,” he says it should be “maths.” Me, on the other hand, learned that I should get an electric kettle for tea water rather than nuking it, and that I could SO eat a bacon sarnie or chip buttie.

  10. Expiring Cat Memes*

    Wardrobe clean-outs: what’s your strategy?

    I’m finding that between WFH and COVID kilos, I’m probably only wearing about 10% of my wardrobe right now. I’m pretty good with regularly getting rid of worn out or poorly chosen clothing, or styles I’ve outgrown, but I’m having trouble letting go of the vast volume of unworn items that are left. Because my style is quirky and it’s hard to get clothing that suits my body shape, I’ve spent quite a bit of time and money over the last few years collecting unique, timeless, quality pieces. Thing is, most of them just don’t fit me well anymore, or, while lovely, were bought for the office and are now forever “tainted” as workwear.

    I hate hoarding and clutter, but I also hate waste and I’m on a tight budget right now. Should I just accept that my changing middle-aged body will probably never fit into this stuff again and start replacing it all with larger sized, lesser quality/more boring clothing that I feel at least ok in? Or should I take this as a nudge to better manage my health and middle-age spread, using my dearth of clothing options as motivation?

    What have you done and how did it work out for you?

    1. Fair Guinevere*

      I’m late twenties so grain of salt and it might not work when I grow older, but baring pregnancy I don’t buy bigger clothing. To my I take the fact that my clothing is getting tight as a sign I need to change my health routine. So far it’s worked for me, but isn’t the right approach for everyone.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        That’s my go as well — I’m 40, and I told my doc that I’m not discussing my weight as long as my clothes still fit, but when my clothes start to fit differently, I dust off my calorie counting app and such, because I would rather count calories for a month or two than go shopping for new pants. (GOD I hate shopping for pants.) She thought that seemed reasonable to her.

    2. Holiday Prep*

      Do you have any nice thrift shops near you? I’ve taken a two prong approach:

      – Storage for clothes I love but just don’t fit right now after kiddo
      – Donating anything I won’t wear again (short dresses, mini skirts, literally anything itchy or even mildly unflattering)

      Knowing where all the thrift stores are reminds me that in twenty minutes for $20 I can have 3 new-to-me dresses that are often a better name brand than I would ever pay full price for. Plus I get the fun of shopping! My sanity and need for space is worth $20. That’s what helped me anyway, I know everyone’s circumstances can really vary (Ex. assumes you have secondhand shops nearby, transportation to access them, and the patience to sift through some junk to find gems).

      1. Expiring Cat Memes*

        Many! However, because of my body shape and taste in clothing, it can be a long, frustrating experience to find anything I like that fits, and I don’t have a lot of patience for clothes shopping at the best of times (one major reason I don’t want to let go of my current wardrobe!). It’s also not uncommon (in Australia, city area) to pay more for a used clothing item in a charity store than you would for something similar, brand new, in a department store sale.

        Also, apparently a large volume of our clothing donations are being shipped offshore as landfill. Not that it necessarily means it’s where everything goes and that I should stop donating, but there is also that aspect for me to consider in donating my much-loved, high-quality but too-small clothing.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I like BuyNothing and FreeCycle as ways to give it away locally to people who want the items.

    3. Meh*

      Covid weight gain and over 40 here. So much doesn’t fit right now. I bought some things to tide me over and started back at working out. I haven’t lost a pound but I feel in more control over things (and my shoulders look amazing).

      Clothing can be an important part of expressing personality. I wouldn’t choose things that bore you. Look for pieces that you can be happy!

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        Second this! I’ve just started focusing on getting in some type of exercise each day and being much more mindful about what I’m eating. Nothing crazy, but having oatmeal instead of a sandwich for lunch, say. I’ve lost 5 pounds and at least my winter jacket is fitting a bit better so far! I really don’t want to swap out my clothes. They’re already a couple of sizes bigger than what I wish they were!

      2. Expiring Cat Memes*

        And now you can show off those shoulders!

        Agreed, finding pieces that feel good AND express personality is important to me. I’ll pass on the mom jeans trend, thanks.

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        I wouldn’t choose things that bore you.
        This is why I wouldn’t follow the path of getting rid of the old and buying new pieces that work now–because OP frames this so negatively I suspect it would land negatively.

        Meh, one of the more inspiring meme threads I recall had a bunch of people who had changed their body without losing a pound. Focus on how you feel!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Instead of looking at a scale, I use my clothes to tell me when I need to cut back on snacking or second helpings.
      BUT. Our bodies do shift around with age/life events so that has to be a factor. I ended up going into websites for “older women” to see what points to consider. This may help make choices easier. So basically, yes, take care of your health AND keep clothes on hand that fit and flatter you. Do both. The two go hand-in-hand. I know if I feel good about how I look that encourages me to be more careful about food and life choices.

      My number one thing is the garment HAS to hang nicely on me. If I feel klutzy or jerky in it, then out it goes.
      For my body type there are certain styles that look the best on me and other styles predictably fail. I try to keep clothes that look different one to the other yet still keep the cut/style that looks better on me.

      Another idea that helped me a lot is to use a sort as I go method for clothes and other items. This means I can pull out a shirt in the morning and quickly decide that I am forever done with it and pop it into a donation bag. I only throw stuff in when I am certain I am done.

      Across the board I turn the whole question into a math problem. This helps to reduce the emotions involved. I work in-person three days a week. So I need at least three sets of office clothes for the season. Since I worry and I like having back up plans this translates into four sets per season. I always have that spare set that I can shift off with, or just keep in the back of the closet in case Plan A fails.
      I do the same math question for everything, socks, underwear, thermal stuff, shoes, sneaks, etc. I am disgusted with the clothes I bought in the past and how they did not work out for me. By limiting quantities I can cut down on the numbers of times I run into this problem.

      In the last ten years I started getting more clothes at tag sales or consignment shops and I am much happier since I made that change also. Awkwardly, I still get compliments on my $2 coat or $1 handbag. LOL. If a person is discerning… okay, PICKY… they can make out very well buying clothes this way. And this is a great work around for budget issues.

      1. Expiring Cat Memes*

        I tend to use clothes as my gauge as well. But I also know that at some point I’m going to have to accept that my shape will change in a way that won’t ever go back to what it was despite whatever exercise I do.

        However I also have a smart scale, and I can see that while a little overall weight has crept on, my body fat to muscle ratio has drastically changed since COVID and a more sedentary lifestyle. So I could make some changes there if I commit to it.

        I like the idea of a sort as you go system, thanks. I think it’d make it easier to assess each item for its merit than getting overwhelmed by the prospect of having to get rid of so much in one go.

    5. English Rose*

      Middle aged body here. Six months ago I would have said recycle it all, you’ll never fit into it again. But something in my brain kind of switched then. With no discernible trigger, I started eating more healthily and walking a lot, and at this point I’ve lost 15 kg (33 lbs).
      I can fit back now into lots of favourite items that, like yours, are a bit quirky and often unique. I am SO glad I didn’t get rid of them.

    6. ATX*

      I go for classic simple staples. Nothing trendy or in style. I find pants that I love (none are jeans, they’re mostly the ponte style) and purchase several in different colors.

      My tops vary from casual tees to sweaters to turtlenecks to camis. All are plain (no pattern), neutral colors or ones that look good with many skin tone and hair.

      Couple nice dresses that are classic for various occasions.

    7. Workerbee*

      I’ve gotten rid of things I loved that didn’t fit me anymore, thinking I would be at my new size forever, and then ended up going back to my old size and rebuying what I could from Poshmark!

      I do have a few “workwear” items still, but I kept only the ones that gave me joy in wearing them and that could also be mixed in with normal clothes. A marvelously striped green and black button down with wild French cuffs, for example, and super comfy ponte trousers.

      So I say, if you still love those items and you can manage to find room for them, keep them until you don’t love them anymore. Then put them in a Pile To Be Given To Charity and let it sit for a bit. If you find yourself suddenly thinking about an item in that pile, go get it back out, look at it, maybe set it aside for a few more days, and then decide again what you want to do with it. Sometimes it takes awhile for the subconscious to churn out decisions (or for us to listen to it).

      This all may be terrible advice but it’s what I’m doing currently.

      2. Marion Ravenwood*

        The charity/eBay pile idea is a good one. My equivalent of this is a big Ikea see-through soft storage bag/box that lives on top of my wardrobe. Clothes I’m unsure about go in that for six months, and if I haven’t wanted them in that time then they go up on Vinted for a couple of weeks and whatever’s left after that goes to the charity shop.

    8. Anona*

      I had a kid, and my body is forever changed (hips wider, etc). I got rid of the things that don’t fit, and have been slowly rebuilding with things that do, that I like.
      Thredup is a great resource- it’s a huge online thrift store. You can save your sizes, and also save searches. For example, I’ve saved a search for natural fiber non-black A-line dresses.
      If you have favorite brands you can search for them.
      I find that I typically have to return a few things per order, but returns are pretty easy. It’s like a really fun treasure hunt.
      And I know Alison has advertised them in the past, so if you search through the site there may be a coupon code.

    9. Glomarization, Esq.*

      You will never fit into it again. If you do ever fit into it again (which you won’t), it will be so out of style that you’d be uncomfortable wearing it.

      I have 2 rules of thumb for clearing out old clothing. One, stuff goes when it’s too old. The rule here is 10 years for suits, 5 years for everything else. Two, for every 1 item that comes in, at least 2 items have to go out. The second rule makes me think before I buy new clothes, and also it helps make my closet more manageable and less stuffed over the long term.

    10. SoloKid*

      I put things on hangers from left to right, so when I wash something and put it away I hang it on the most recent (left) side. Then I periodically purge things from the right side in bags to donate and let them sit in my closet for a bit.

      If I haven’t thought of/dug out the item in all that time, I send it off to the donation bin/make fabric scraps.

      I’ve also created some rules for things that fit, e.g. if I raise my arms and my stomach shows more than I’m comfortable with, I won’t buy it or keep it.

      I’ve found that holding on to clothes “just in case you become healthier” doesn’t help change. Having clothes that fit you well as you are NOW is much better for that.

        1. Pennyworth*

          You can also turn the hangers – start of with all hangers pointing in the same direction on the rail. Anything you use, turn the hanger the other way. After six months check which hangers haven’t been turned and consider getting rid of those clothes.

    11. Filosofickle*

      Since many of your items are special, I would consider keeping some “just in case”. Like you, I’m hard to fit and love interesting items. And I have regretted over-pruning my wardrobe and giving away something that doesn’t fit me or my needs today and would have a year later. Money is limited, and so is time.

      What I do keep a large bin stashed away with my favorite items that are a size up/down from where I am. I choose carefully for the bin — things that have a better chance of me fitting later, are especially special, or would be the hardest to replace. Over time, I revisit the bin and things that have been in there a long time get donated. Emotionally I benefit from having this waystation so they are no longer in my closet taunting me yet also not completely gone. And if my shape does change, shopping out of the bin is lovely! The same things that are tainted by work now may not feel that way if you rediscover them in a year or two.

      1. Expiring Cat Memes*

        Over-pruning is precisely the word for it, lol!

        Relocating items so they’re not taunting me daily is a good idea. My days would get off to a better start without my morning body-shame routine.

    12. Camelid coordinator*

      I am mid-50s and suspecting that some of the items in my closet will never fit again. I am going to give it a while though. For now I move the lovely offending items to the back of the closet.

      1. banoffee pie*

        They might fit again. I know people who lost weight in their 70’s. I don’t think people should be too negative :)

    13. I'm A Little Teapot*

      It’s tough because of lockdowns, but generally if I haven’t worn something in a year I probably shouldn’t keep it. The difficulty is of course that routines were smashed and you may not know what you’ll want next year.

      If it doesn’t fit – get rid of it. Donate it if it’s in good shape so someone else can make sure of it.

  11. Fair Guinevere*

    Nanowrimo/writing thread!

    It’s going badly for me. It’s what the 6th and I’ve given up. My brain is completely scattered, I haven’t been sleeping cause toddler. I’m taking a break this weekend and I’ll start back up writing Monday with no word count goal. Just writing each day. I am enjoying the process. This is the first time I’ve worked on a book for more than say a week before I decided my writing is awful. I had about 14,000 words before starting but was hoping to keep up with the word count.

    1. Holiday Prep*

      No writing advice, just toddler commiseration. Everyone knows that newborns are fickle sleepers but I’m not sure when it ends. 2.5 and still waiting for a week where he doesn’t wake up at least once. I hope you’re able to get some real sleep and boost your word count soon!

    2. Seascape*

      I’m so overwhelmed with freelance assignments that I don’t have time to do any creative writing. I’m very grateful for the work, but my sh1tty muse only shows up when I’m up to my neck in deadlines! I need to have a talk with her…

    3. Spessartine*

      I’m doing horribly! I’m not sure I’ve ever gotten this bad a start and I’ve been doing NaNo since 2009. Just yesterday I finally caught up…to the first day’s word goal. Normally I hit 50k a few days early and that is NOT happening now! I don’t know what the issue is except that I just haven’t been writing much in general this year. I’m interested in this story but it’s very different from what I’ve done before. I’m hoping I can use this weekend to knock out a really big chunk and then catch up in increments over the rest of the month.

      I can’t even blame work or my social life, since at my new(ish) job I’m working fewer hours than I ever did in the last decade, and since I moved states recently I don’t even have any friends to hang out with! On second thought, maybe that’s the problem…I used to do NaNo hangouts with my friend back in Ohio who’s also a writer. I miss having local writing friends.

    4. Maryn B.*

      This is common and does not mean you have failed. Really, it doesn’t. It means that right now your life has other priorities, and anyone who puts writing ahead parenting is a douchecanoe.

      You can officially quit, or you can modify your goal instead of being in lockstep with the one they set. (You just know the guy who started it wasn’t raising kids, running a household, making meals, etc., much less gearing up for holidays, guests, feasts, and gift-buying.) Maybe you write 500 words a day, or for twenty to thirty minutes, broken into sessions if that’s what works. Maybe you research, or edit. Whatever places you closer to the completion of your manuscript is a win.

      Here’s a tip from the pros that’s helped me a lot: Give yourself permission to write utter crap. An astonishingly awful first draft can be rewritten, revised, and edited until it’s presentable, and nobody has to see it before that stage. Let yourself write badly!

      1. RagingADHD*

        “anyone who puts writing ahead parenting is a douchecanoe.”

        As the children of several famous authors can attest. Fortunately, there are enough successful authors with decent priorities to prove that it’s not a binary choice.

    6. HBJ*

      It’s going well for me. I started over with an idea of which I’d previously written a few thousand words all in random scenes. I haven’t even looked at the prior scenes I’d written and am starting over. I’ve written at least 1,700 per day and am almost 12k in. I’m feeling good about this year.

    7. Forensic13*

      Have you tried using programs like writeordie to help you just slam words down without getting too caught on whether they’re good? I find that to be helpful.

  12. Lizabeth*

    Public Service Announcement:
    Go to a dermatologist for a full body check if you haven’t done it!!
    Background: went three years ago, biopsied two spots, everything checked out okay. Went last week and had one of the previous spots biopsied again and, yup, cancer. BUT according to my doc, it was the best type to have because it was caught early…totally on the surface and hadn’t spread yet. Will be going back more often for checks. Plus a plastic pasta scooper makes for a gentle back scratcher when things gets itchy (the site is on the back, hard to reach – ugh)

    1. English Rose*

      So glad you caught it early, and thanks for the great reminder. Hope all goes well for you and your pasta scooper! :)

    2. CJM*

      Yes! Thank you for sharing this information, and I’m glad you’re okay.

      I go every year (except for last year, when I skipped all in-person medical appointments due to covid) because I’m very fair with lots of moles and freckles. Good thing I don’t like sunbathing, or I’d have more than the minimal sun damage I already have. My dermatologist finds a suspicious spot roughly every third year and removes it for biopsy. So far they’ve all been benign.

      My adult kids are going now too. It’s so important!

    3. Charlotte Lucas*

      I made an appointment recently. Around here, you can’t get in for a routine screening by a dermatologist (my primary care doctor did a check but didn’t see anything concerning) until spring. So make any appointments early.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      Also, the dermatologist can freeze pre-cancerous spots. This is quick and might sting a bit and make the area a bit pink. Way better than having the cancerous ones surgically excised.

    5. WellRed*

      Dermatologists are in short supply in my area. How is the full check actually done? Do you get some sort of scan? Do they go over you with a microscope? How naked do you have to get?

      1. Lizabeth*

        I had a hospital gown open to the front on with underwear only (no bra). Woman doctor and she looked me over with her eyes and what I think was a magnifying glass of some sort. Uncovered and recovered sections as she went both standing and laying down.

      2. CJM*

        My dermatologist scans me visually. There’s no machine involved. She uses a magnifier to better see some spots. I keep my bra and panties on, although naked would be okay too. She lifts up my bra strap in the back to see under there. First I lie on the exam table, and she checks what she can from there. Then I stand barefoot on a paper pad so she can examine places like my back. It all takes about ten minutes. She usually has an assistant in the room to take notes about spots to keep an eye on, and she also double checks the spots she’s noted in the past as concerning. She uses a little measuring tool to size my moles and spots.

        A friend of mine was surprised it’s only ten minutes, but I figure my dermatologist knows her stuff. She seems thorough to me.

        1. CJM*

          Oh, and she checks my scalp too — especially around my part line. But she’ll move the hair around to get a good look.

            1. CJM*

              I forgot the hospital gown you mentioned! I get one too. I noticed that my doctor has become more conscientious about keeping me covered except for the area she’s actively checking, and she now tells me what she’s going to uncover and check next. That’s not super important to me because I’ve already screwed up my courage about feeling exposed. But it’s very considerate, and I can see how some people would like that a lot.

      4. Falling Diphthong*

        My dermatologist uses a magnifying glass and goes over parts of my body while I wear a hospital johnny open in the back and my underwear. So far my face has had the things worth biopysing/freezing, but he keeps an eye on my arms (which probably got almost as much sun damage) and makes sure nothing unobserved is going on between the toes.

        Some places use photos (to answer “Was this there last time?”) and I would expect photos of anything in the “We should keep an eye on that one” family–that’s how you tell if it actually is larger or redder or anything six months from now.

        Reiterating that getting the precancerous spots liquid-nitrogen’ed off my face was 1000 times easier than getting the actually cancerous spot removed from my forehead and the skin hauled back together. Even though my surgeon was great and you can’t even see the scar now, and I was having other major in-hospital surgery at the same time so the outpatient skin surgery was in comparison a breeze. Five seconds with liquid nitrogen is more of a breeze.

      5. PollyQ*

        I had a dermatologist with very bad eyesight, so when he wanted to get a good look at one of my many moles, he wore a jeweler’s loupe and pressed it right up against my skin. This sounds like it should have been creepy, but he had a certain charm about him, so in practice, it was fine. There was also a nurse in the room, but I would’ve been comfortable without her.

      6. Pennyworth*

        My brother has moles all over his skin (always has), when he started to worry about them he found he could get a body scan done annually and computer software identifies changes in the moles. I think it is expensive but it gives him peace of mind. It would take a very long time for a dermatologist to check each mole thoroughly.

    7. Crackerjack*

      I wish this was a thing in the UK! I fret about this a lot, especially for my husband who has a huge mole/birthmark on the back of his neck that has changed in appearance over the last year.

      1. HHD*

        If you’re high risk it is! And a mole/mark that’s changed in appearance is a fairly rapid referral – my partner has regular checks due to severe sun damage and a history of suspicious moles

  13. The Other Dawn*

    Has anyone here had their wedding vows renewed? Or know people who have? Was it a case of wanting to recommit after rough times or something else?

    My husband and I are coming up on 26 years married (31 years together) in February and are going to Las Vegas. It’s the big trip we were going to plan for our 25th anniversary, but of course we couldn’t do it this year. It’s been in the back of our minds for a bit as to whether we would want to do a vow renewal in one of the little chapels they have there, but we didn’t talk seriously about it. More of like, “Haha let’s run into the Elvis chapel and then go gamble.” Well, my husband brought it up the other day and the way he asked made me think maybe he’s serious (it’s hard to tell with him sometimes since he’s a bit of a jokester). I kind of just joked about it at the time since we were on our way out. I brought it up last night and he’s definitely serious. He even asked if I’d feel bad my family isn’t there (we’re all on the East coast). I told no. If we did it, it would just be just us. I didn’t give a definitive answer, but told him I’d think about it.

    I’m not against it in any way and it seems like it could be fun. I guess I think of it as something people do after they’ve had rough time of it and they want to recommit to the marriage. Everyone I know who has done it has been in that boat, and now they’re divorced. It seemed more like a last-ditch effort to save the marriage. But I suppose it can also be a way to say, “We’re still in love and going strong after all these years.” We did a surprise vow renewal for my parents at their 50th anniversary about 10 years ago, complete with their original flower girl. They were the role model everyone looked up to when it came to what marriage should, or what they wanted it to, look like. And we both feel that’s the kind of marriage we have always had. (We joked we either truly do have a great marriage, or we’re just too lazy make the effort to go find someone else. No, we feel we have a great marriage.) Any rough patches we’ve had have been several unexpected deaths in my family, my own health issues and surgeries, loss of pets, money problems. Things like that. Nothing that ever came between us. Just the standard stuff that happens in life and we supported each other.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      The one couple who split after renewing, in my opinion probably just had the wedding as a “look at me” thing.

      Your setting is day vs night different from that. We change and grow even though we are married. We keep evolving as individuals. It sounds like you and your spouse still like the person you each have evolved into. I think that taking a moment to say, “Hey, I do this with you all over again!” is lovely. I think you should do it.

    2. Venus*

      I think if someone is doing a renewal for their 8th or 12th (less than 20 years, and a number not divisible by 5) then I would first suspect that things were a bit rocky. At 20 or 25 years I would view it as taking advantage of a good excuse to celebrate something, as the world needs more happiness and fun especially now.

    3. Janet Pinkerton*

      My grandparents just had one for their 40th. (Second marriage.) It was just to celebrate their love and to have their now-larger family celebrate with them. (For instance, their had their six kids when they married, but no grandkids yet.) It might have also been to have a church blessing, since they didn’t get married in the church the first time.

      My coworkers are also big into them. Two are doing it for milestone anniversaries. I know for one, her husband is very into the idea (he’s a real sweet dude) and I don’t know the motivations of the other.

      Tbh, it’s a tradition that’s not for me, think, but of my wife wanted to, I’d do it. It’s not like you’re starting the commitment afresh, you are just restating it (at least to me).

    4. Emily*

      My husband and I renew our vows every year on our wedding anniversary- some years it’s just the two of us re-reading our vows, and for big milestone years, we have hired the officiant from our wedding to do a mini ceremony. It’s always just the two of us in attendance, and is really meaningful. For us, marriage is a commitment you make every day, even as you change as a person over the years. We are different people than we were when we first got married and said those vows, so it’s very special to us to make the same promises again as the “new” people that we are. Either way, congrats on your anniversary!

    5. Richard Hershberger*

      This is a sensitive topic for me. Did my marriage vows expire? When was that? Can I go sleep around, until the renewal? If not, why not? Apparently the old vows are not currently operative, so what is stopping me? I hear there are apps for this. Perhaps I should download a few. I really, really hate the idea. It treats wedding vows like a car registration, except that I can renew my car registration online. If my vows had been of limited duration, I would have specified this at the time.

      My 20th is coming up next year. The kids (aged twelve and thirteen) pushed the idea of a renewal, but this is because they would like the ceremonial aspect. I quashed the idea. Instead we are going to dump the kids on Grandma and go spend a long weekend where we had honeymooned.

      1. ThatGirl*

        It’s interesting to me to contrast your comment with Emily’s just above.

        I understand your point of view, but I can also see her point – I’ve been married 14 years and we’re definitely not the same people we were then. I will be honest, I don’t even remember what my vows were! We wrote them down of course and I think they ended up in someone’s suit pocket and from there I couldn’t tell you. I know they were meaningful, I know we meant them, they didn’t “expire” and we’re certainly still happy to be married. But I can see the POV that I could write new ones now, and they would reflect who we are now and how far we’ve come.

    6. RussianInTexas*

      To me the vow renewals are on the same level as getting a tattoo of each other.
      If I hear friends do this, I would automatically think they are trying to save the marriage. May be it’s not you case, but this would be my first reaction, sorry. I would fully expect the couple to divorce shortly after.

    7. GoryDetails*

      For me, a renewal of vows would primarily make sense if there’d been a serious rupture in the relationship – it’d be a way of re-committing, something that wouldn’t be necessary if there hadn’t been a breach. If I wanted to celebrate a long-term relationship I’d go for an anniversary party of some kind instead. But that’s just me!

      I did have friends who threw a vow-renewal/anniversary bash, a really lovely get-together; I didn’t know why they wanted to renew vows at the time, but it turned out that she was suffering early-onset Alzheimers and he wanted to do this as for her, before she began to lose more and more of her memories…

    8. Marion Ravenwood*

      My parents renewed their vows for their 25th wedding anniversary and celebrated their 46th anniversary earlier this year. They’re the only people I know who’ve done this (at least that I’ve been invited to), and it was very much the ‘still in love and going strong’ approach, as well as an excuse to have a bit of a party afterwards. From hazy memory it was mostly only close family at the renewal (so basically them, me and my sisters, my grandparents, aunties, uncles and cousins) and then friends and wider family came to the do afterwards. Personally I think it’s a sweet idea, but it definitely doesn’t need to be a big thing – just a nice way to say, “you’re still my person and I like being with you and want to carry on doing that”.

    9. Meh*

      I found the IG account CactusandLaceWeddings that does ceremonies in the Valley of Fire – about 40 min outside if Vegas. They look beautiful and not as kitschy as Vegas chapels.

    10. Not A Manager*

      I can’t tell what your concern is. Clearly you don’t think that if you renew your vows that *means* that your marriage is troubled and you might divorce soon. You know that troubled marriages are troubled (and strong marriages are strong) whether people engage in certain ceremonies or not. Are you worried about possible signaling, like “if we tell other people about this, they will think our marriage is on the rocks”? Or is your question more along the lines of “other than trying to save a floundering marriage, I don’t see the point in doing this”?

      I see some responses on here that seem to be about signaling (“if my friends did this, I would think that”). Which, fair enough, but do you care? If you chose to renew your vows because that was fun/romantic/meaningful to you, does it really matter what Aunt Patsy thinks about it? Do you even need to tell Aunt Patsy?

      I think the real question is whether this is or could be meaningful to you. Some people have stated reasons that it would not be meaningful to them. I personally can see a value in bringing some mindfulness and ceremony back into a longstanding relationship. In both of my marriages, we put a lot of thought into the original vows, and we “worked” a lot on “who are we and what is this relationship about?” After a number of years, some of that intentionality and mindfulness can slip away. Sitting down and saying, “where have we come from and where are we going” can be useful, whether there’s a ceremony at the end or not.

      Another thing that might give this meaning for you is simply that it’s meaningful to your partner. Even if you never find a different way in, that might be enough of an in to make this worthwhile.

      My only warning would be, if this is serious to your husband or to both of you, reconsider whether you want the easy irony of a Las Vegas chapel. That’s fun for the scenario you first described, with the kitch factor and gambling afterward. But if this has serious emotional impact for him, then think about an appropriate setting that honors his real feelings. The Nevada desert can be lovely in the autumn, so you could even go on a hike or something and renew your vows together.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        “I can’t tell what your concern is.”

        Oh, I’m not concerned about anything. I’m just curious if other people have done it, really, and why they decided to do it. That’s all.

        My best friend did it years ago. Her marriage was not good to being with, and she definitely got married when she should have waited. I remember her exact words were, “I told myself ‘IF we make it to 10 years, we’ll renew our vows’.” Which, yeah. They made it, renewed their vows, and had an even rockier 10+ years, and then got divorced. A former schoolmate did it–flew to a foreign country with their entire families–and it was very much a way to try and save the marriage. They divorced two years later. Another friend did it simply to reinforce their commitment after having a couple kids and they’re just as much in love as they were years ago.

        I would say I don’t feel it’s necessary, but if my husband wants to do it, I’m definitely on board with it. And it would just be us. Not a big bash or anything. I’m sure whatever we do, it will be nice. I like the idea of doing something out in nature, like Valley of Fire, rather than a little Vegas chapel. It’s beautiful out there.

        1. banoffee pie*

          I wouldn’t leap to thinking anything in particular about the state of a marriage if a couple renewed their vows. To me it’s just the sort of thing some people are interested in doing, and some aren’t. I didn’t realise some people thought it was such a symbol of ‘trying to save’ the marriage. Interesting.

          1. allathian*

            Yeah, I feel the same way you do about this. That said, I’ve never attended a vow renewal, I don’t think it’s a big thing here. But then, I’m in an area where more than half of all firstborn children are born to unmarried parents, even if they subsequently get married. In some circles, people have opinions about big weddings when the couple has a kid, or several kids, old enough to be in the wedding party as ring bearers or flower children.

            I expect vow renewals to be popular among people who got/get married during the pandemic and who had a much smaller wedding than they really wanted.

          2. The Other Dawn*

            I didn’t say *I* think of it as a symbol of trying to save a marriage. I don’t. I’d always thought of it more along the lines of reaffirming to each other, “I’m still in love with you after all these years.” Something some people like to do to celebrate a milestone anniversary or something. It just happens out of the four times I’ve seen it done, two seemed to be a way of trying to save the marriage.

    11. Let me be dark and twisty*

      My grandparents are the only ones I know who did a vow renewal. They did it on the occasion of their 50th anniversary but the vow renewals were part of a mass they asked their priest to do. They were very involved in the church so it made sense to them to do it that way. My mother and her siblings then threw an enormous dinner party, not unlike a wedding reception, afterwards. The big dinner party celebration is tradition in their community and the mass for the fiftieth anniversary is tradition in their parish.

      The other is because my grandparents realized that this was probably one of the last few times they’d be able to celebrate with all their loved ones in the same place — friends before they passed away, grandchildren before they finished growing up and went on their own, and even before they themselves passed away. (Don’t worry, they’re still kicking around these days. Just celebrated their 64th anniversary.)

    12. James*

      I’m not a fan. To me, a vow doesn’t need renewed. That’s one reason my wedding ring is stainless steel–it’s supposed to be unalterable (and, because neither my wife nor I are morons and are familiar with the divorce rate, very carefully worded). To me, the idea of renewing wedding vows boarders on blasphemy and is insulting–it’s saying either I can’t be trusted, or my wife can’t. If we want to throw a party, we’ll just throw a party. If we want to take an oath we’ll take a different one.

      That said, that’s just my views, and I tend to view vows a bit differently than most. If it’s something you want to do, go for it!! Never let someone else’s opinion sway you.

    13. J.*

      My husband’s grandparents renewed their vows on their 25th anniversary. They remained married for a total of almost 70 years until his grandfather passed away at over 90, with his grandmother caring for him through his last hard months. I always thought it was a bit silly before, but now every time I hear about vow renewals I think of them with a little bit of awe. Maybe you’ll be the couple that creates a completely new association in others’ minds.

    14. RagingADHD*

      I have heard of people doing this as a celebration of a major milestone anniversary, with (afaik) no serious trouble before or after. I mean, two fallible humans can’t live together 20+ years without ever having any disagreements or problems. But not necessarily anything major/traumatic enough to put the marriage in jeopardy. And if folks want to do that, I think it’s sweet.

      It’s not something that would occur to me to do, just because of my beliefs about the religious/spiritual aspect of marriage. To me it would be like baptizing a baby twice. In my belief system marriage is a threshold event, if you know what I mean? It could get broken but it doesn’t wear off. Like in my church, they don’t do “vow renewals,” but they will do a similar type of thing as a “blessing” or a “commemoration.”

      But I don’t apply that to other people. I’d take it at face value as a special celebration, that’s all.

    15. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      A couple I know renewed their vows, in a low-key way, for their tenth anniversary. Low-key meaning they got me to read the same thing they had me read at the wedding, got someone else to do the other reading (the guy from the first wedding wasn’t available), and then served wedding cake to the people they’d invited to a party.

      I’m not sure why they wanted to do it, but it mattered to them, which is the important part. They celebrated their twentieth anniversary a few months ago (for low-key pandemic values of celebrated), and are still seem happy together.

    16. Disco Janet*

      We thought about it for our ten year – just the two of us on the beach at the romantic couples resort we spent our anniversary at. Decided against it because my husband wasn’t feeling it and I didn’t feel too strongly about it, but my main reasoning was that I was so nervous on our wedding day – especially with everyone watching! And I like the idea of having a redo that’s just the two of us and in a calmer, more intimate ceremony where I can take in all the details and focus on just us.

    17. A Wall*

      I told my husband I thought vow renewals were always a case of “they protest too much” and he got all sad puppy about it because he apparently wanted us to do it one day. We haven’t even been married for that long, he just thinks they’re sweet and wants to do it for some big number anniversary. So I guess there are people out there who don’t see them as a sort of desperate rekindling, but I’m with you on this one.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I’ve never seen them as an attempt at desperate rekindling. I always thought they were about celebrating a milestone or something, as a way of saying to each other “You’re still the person I love and would do it all over again.” I mentioned above I’ve seen it done four times, and two seemed to be a way to hopefully save the marriage. I’ve never felt the need to do it, but I see why some people would like to.

    18. Dwight Schrute*

      My parents renewed their vows after my dad went through a really tough year health wise. They had new vows written and we through a casual party to celebrate. It was really sweet imo

      1. The Other Dawn*

        We arranged it for my parents as a surprise at their 50th anniversary party, which was also a surprise. It started out as a small backyard picnic and kind of just snowballed, as these things tend to do, into a big party in the backyard, surprise vow renewal, a big cake, etc. We played their wedding song, Unchained Melody. Everyone had a great time.

  14. Spooky Doodle*

    As I’ve mentioned in a few recent open thread posts, I recently broke my wrist and have it in a cast. My question actually goes back to the last time I broke my wrist. I fell on a city sidewalk and a friend took me to urgent care/emergency room. In gathering my medical history, I mentioned how I had broken that wrist previously years before. The ER doctor looked at my x-rays and said it was a sprain. When I voiced my confusion because of the severe pain I was having, he said there was some damage to my wrist on the x-ray but it was just my old injury. I asked if he was certain, still feeling doubt, he became very dismissive and even talked over me, telling me it was just the old injury and I was fine. He gave me a brace and sent me on my way. My friend also noted how rude he was.

    A couple days later, I was still having severe pain and saw my regular orthopedic doctor, who confirmed that it was actually broken and put me in a cast. I was healed up just a few weeks later thanks to the proper diagnosis and care. When I received the bill from the ER, I wrote them an email saying how I was disappointed in the rude and dismissive acts of my doctor and the fact that I was completely misdiagnosed. I did not say I did not wish to pay my bill because of this (it was just a $100 fee), the ER actually waived the cost and apologized for the mishandling of my injury.

    So I’m curious if this is ever happened to anyone else? Have you been able to push back on a medical bill because The doctor was being rude and not listening to you, or because you were misdiagnosed? Is this a common thing or completely out of the blue?

    1. Colette*

      I’ve heard that some breaks are hard to see on an x-ray immediately after the fact – it takes a couple of days for them to show.

      1. Mitzii*

        Since they already got the bulk of their $$$ from your insurance, I’m sure they wrote off the $100 to avoid just that.

    3. Daffodilly*

      I have! It was a cardiologist when I was in college. Had been having issues, couldn’t workout without becoming faint and feeling like my heart was irregular, and my primary care doc referred me to this cardiology clinic. Cardiologist was dismissive, didn’t run any tests or do any bloodwork, told me I was “young and just out of shape” and should “lose weight and be glad I wasn’t dying like the last guy” he saw. I was not overweight (about 140 lbs and 5’10”) and a few weeks later went to an ER when it was bad and they caught an arrhythmia that I have since been treated for by a different cardiologist.
      When the bill came I pushed back, said I did not want to pay for being subject to that and not getting any testing or treatment, and they waived it.

    4. Decidedly Me*

      I went to a clinic as I needed a new prescription. They ran a few tests to make sure the med still made sense. At the first test, they knew they weren’t going to write the prescription, but continued running others tests I didn’t need. I got the charges for all the tests after that first one waived.

    5. Elle Woods*

      It happens and it happened to me on an ER visit. I got a nasty bout of gastroenteritis and landed in the ER the day after St. Patrick’s Day because I couldn’t keep anything down (not even water). Before he had even asked a question, the first doc I saw accused me of having a “green hangover” because I “drank ’til I was Irish.” He ordered a BAC test because he thought I was lying about not having had a drink in months. Surprise, surprise, it came back 0.00. When the bill arrived for that visit, I called both the hospital and my insurance company and told them the story. Reps at both were horrified by what I experienced and adjusted the bill accordingly.

      1. banoffee pie*

        Drank til you were Irish? Yikes that’s a bit rude of your doc! I bet he’s never even been here (I’m Irish and don’t drink believe it or not lol)

    6. WS*

      It’s incredibly common, and more so in an ER because the staff are stretched thin and rushed. A polite but busy doctor could say “Well, there’s nothing showing now, here’s the follow-up I want you to do” (which is common with fractures), but you unfortunately got a rude one.

    7. retired3*

      Last year I went in for a routine colonoscopy. The doctor pierced my bowel at the first turn, apparently. They woke me up to agree to have surgery (cut from navel to public bone). All this in a hospital with covid and before vaccinations. They sent me home; I developed an e coli infection. Back to the hospital (ambulance), left with drain coming out of my back. My naturopath told me they would never bill me. They never have. Some billing of insurance was all. I had an odd visit when I got out of surgery that I now think was someone from the hospital risk management. I decided I wouldn’t sue them if they didn’t bill me…I’m just letting sleeping dogs lie…it’s been more than a year.

      1. Owler*

        Hospitals that receive Medicare funding are penalized for a high rate of readmittances within 30 days of a discharge. If you are retired (and of the age to be on Medicare), it is entirely possible that it was less of a penalty for them to eat the cost of your treatment instead of having to record you as a readmit. (This happened to my mom with a serious complication. We didn’t sue only because the hospital not billing us was the least of our concerns.)

  15. Flying again*

    Any tips or tricks to pop ears after a flight? I landed nearly 24 hours ago and I’m still clogged! Yawning, chewing gum, swallowing, swallowing while holding my nose, holding my nose and sucking in my cheeks, neck stretches – all have been tried. In fact, I’m chewing more gum this morning out of desperation! (I don’t have allergies or any kind of congestion that could be contributing.)

    1. Virginia Plain*

      When scuba diving this is an important thing; one is advised to equalise [the pressure] by holding the nose, closing the mouth and very gently breathing out (or trying to). This causes air to go up your Eustachian tube (between inner ear and throat) and clear gunge out. But you MUST do it VERY gently and carefully to avoid damaging your ear drum. Don’t do a big sudden breath like a huff; just start slowly. You’ll feel it.

    2. allathian*

      For me, nothing else works except holding my nose, and exhaling slowly with my mouth shut, then swallowing. I have particularly narrow eustachian tubes (a defect that runs in my family), and my ears get clogged if I ride more than a storey or two in a speed elevator. A week’s vacation was once nearly ruined for me, because my ear didn’t pop until the morning we were due to leave. Luckily the return was easier, and I could pop my ears almost as soon as we landed.

    3. Expiring Cat Memes*

      Decongestant nasal spray! I was blocked up for 2 days before my Mum made me take some. 5 minutes later I was hugging her and almost sobbing in relief.

    4. Just a name*

      A bit late, but the earplugs they make for flying are great at preventing this and ear pane. I used to get the worst pain when I flew but now it isn’t an issue. EarPlanes or Flents both work.

      1. A Wall*

        Seconding this. Sudafed is the best way to quickly fix anything that’s funky with your eustachian tubes.

    6. mreasy*

      Sometimes a very steamy shower or doing a steam sinus treatment (boiling water in a bowl, your head under a towel draped over the bowl breathing in steam) has helped me with this.

    7. Generic Name*

      You could try using a net I pot to clear your sinuses to see if that helps. Then do the hold nose and blow.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Go gently when something in your sinuses or adjacent to sinuses is already plugged up. I learned the hard way, I blew too hard and got stuff into my ears and gave myself a full-on infection. But the Neti Pot is great for me when I’m able to do several small doses over the course of the day, because the salts do progressively more each time.
          Good luck!

    8. Fellow Traveller*

      Have you tried hanging upside down? Either do a forward fold or find a playground with a horizontal bar and hang by your knees.

    9. Malarkey01*

      If you have a bath, laying underwater, on my back, holding my nose for as long as I can and then slowly surfaces and breathing works for me.

    10. RagingADHD*

      You probably have some swelling or blockage in the Eustacian tubes and need to open them up. Try an NSAID followed by warm tea, hot compresses on the sides of the throat, gentle massage under the ears, and/or letting a hot shower run on your throat

      1. Flying again*

        I think you may be right. I’ve tried almost all the suggestions and now it’s mostly pain just under my ear, getting near my throat. On to NSAID!

    11. The Dogman*

      You need a decongestant ASAP.

      Get some of them down you, sniff some eucalyptus oil too, then do the whole routine of clearing again.

      Good luck, I too have small tubes and diving or flying can be a pain.

    12. Pennyworth*

      I have had success by blocking my ears by pushing that bit of flesh in front of the ear hole to seal them, then yawning a few times.

  16. Stellaluna*

    CW for hypothetical family member death

    I am curious if anyone has tips on how to handle the death of a family member who you don’t care about in the least but you want to support those who do care.

    Without writing a long and boring post about family drama, I’ll just say that I am very close to my stepmother Kate but not to her mother, Terry. Her mother has never liked me because I am the step child, and she went through a very nasty divorce from my stepmother‘s father. Terry has said in my hearing that she does not consider step relatives to be family, and told my half sister that we are not sisters because we don’t share blood through our mothers (my sister, awesome girl that she is, told Terry where to shove that ridiculous statement). Frankly no one in our family likes Terry, my dad and half siblings can’t stand her. Terry and my stepmom Kate have a very on and off again relationship. It has been very off these last few years to the point that they didn’t even say hi to each other at a recent family wedding.

    All that said, Terry is in very poor health and will be passing away soon. This is going to devastate my stepmother; Kate has always hoped that they can reconcile their differences, but even if that did happen before Terry‘s passing, it wouldn’t heal everything that came before. So I know that Kate will be beside herself when that day comes. I will definitely not shed one tear for a woman who forgot to get me and only me a Christmas gift my entire childhood. I’m not even sure my father or siblings will be upset. Obviously we’ll go to the services, but I’m just wondering how do I help my stepmother when I don’t care about her mother? It’s not like I’m going to be dancing for joy when she dies, but I really won’t care at all; it will kind of be a relief actually. But I wanna be there for Kate as she goes through this rough time. I can’t even just go with the general statements you usually say when someone dies like they were such a good person and they will be missed and all that. Because frankly Terry is not a good person and will not be missed. So what can I do when this day comes?

    1. Virginia Plain*

      “I’m sorry for your loss” can be sincere – you are sorry for your stepmom’s loss and any distress, as your stepmom is good to you. Also you can ask her if she needs help with anything, or she wants someone to talk to – you can fetch and carry and phone people up, or just listen, you don’t have to agree. I’d frame the whole thing as being sympathetic to your stepmom’s pain and helping her, and that being your concern. Send flowers/take a casserole to Kate to comfort Kate, even if you don’t care about Terry.
      Go to the funeral if your stepmom would like it, and if you can’t think of a single nice aspect of Terry (even if it’s just, I remember she wore such great shoes) then just smile and nod at others memories, how nice for you, that sounds fun, etc. She’ll be missed, is actually a handy phrase; she’ll probably be missed by someone even if it’s not you! If she was ill before she died, “a least she’s at peace now”.

      1. Elle Woods*

        This is great advice. It’s likely that the more profound loss to Kate is going to be loss of what her relationship with Terry could have been. Being there to listen, support, run errands, etc. can be an immense help during that time.

    2. allathian*

      Just be there for Kate. I think she realizes well enough that you have good reason not to care at all about Terry, and as long as you don’t stand up during the eulogy and shout “ding dong, the witch is dead, the witch is dead” or dance on her grave or something, you should be fine.

      Because you won’t be mourning, there’s probably a lot you can do to support her in a practical way.

      1. Stellaluna*

        I am cracking up so much at the thought of chanting dingdong the witch is dead at the funeral. That would be a riot! I may not do it physically but I will be doing it in my heart :)

      2. Virginia Plain*

        Sorry but I am now thinking of Stellaluna doing a high kicking dance routine on the coffin, like in that musical number in the film Scrooge. The one with Albert Finley. Snort.

    3. Ali G*

      Why don’t you talk to Kate now? “Kate, I know it will be a very emotional time for you when Terry is no longer with us. How can I best help you when the time comes? Do you want to go over her final wishes and put me in chrges of the funeral?”
      Basically before it becomes a thing, talk to her about what you take off her plate. Since you don’t really care about Terry’s passing, you can do all the stuff that it can be hard to do in grief for Kate.

    4. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      I definitely am not actually good at crying people, but I do have a plan for dealing with them:
      1) take care of any physical needs. Make sure they have tissues, bring them a glass of water. For deaths, help with the funeral, bring a casserole, help clean out stuff.
      2) be with them. Don’t need to say anything if you can’t think of anything, just be with them as close as makes for your relationship (wrap your arms around them, or hold their hand, or just sit next to them)

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Let Kate tell you stuff. Good memories. Frustrating memories–more frustrating now that repair of the damage isn’t possible, at least not in any two-way sense. It sounds like not being able to change the past via a better future is going to be a big weight for her.

      I agree with Virginia that “I’m sorry” can do a lot of work here. You feel sorrowful! For Kate, whom you love, who is going through a rough and complicated time.

    6. fposte*

      I’d say same as if you didn’t know Terry at all. You’re supporting someone you care for who’s grieving–it’s pretty common to do that without being bereaved yourself. Think what you’ve done for friends bereaved by losses of people you never met.

    7. Undine*

      Depending on how aware Kate is, you can be open about supporting her grief for the mother she never had. She will likely feel guilty and you can be there saying she did everything she could. You can tell her she deserved better, if it seems right. I guess, focus on Kate and what she has lost (a child’s longing for an actual mother, which will never be fulfilled) and not on the more general value of Terry as a human being.

    8. Texan In Exile*

      When my husband’s father died, I went to the funeral for two reasons:

      1. To make sure he was dead
      2. To support my husband

      FIL’s death was hard on Mr T and my main purpose after FIL’s death was to support Mr T, not express my relief that his father would no longer be an element in our lives. You support the person and what s/he’s going through – it doesn’t matter what you think about the deceased. Your concern is for the living.

      1. cleo*

        Yep. That’s why I went to my grandfather’s funeral. To support my mother / his daughter and to make sure he was dead.

    9. Jelena*

      I think focusing on who Terry is to Kate is the key here. Although she was a horror to you she’s Kate’s mom, and focus on supporting Kate from that mindset. Let her talk about her mom and you don’t need to agree with any of it because she’s speaking about her mother from a daughter’s perspective. I’m sure Kate knows there’s no love lost between you two so being falsely complimentary about Terry’s contribution to humanity, however well-meaning, would probably fall flat and cause more problems in the long run. Sympathise about how difficult it is to lose a mom, how big of a part of her life her mom was bound to be, the important mom/daughter memories she’ll always have etc. etc. – you don’t need to praise Terry’s stellar step-grandmom skills. Practical supports like others have suggested will be welcomed and don’t feel conflicted or hypocritical about supporting her in her grief.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      To Kate: One thing about Terry. I will always be glad she had YOU.

      To others: I am grateful that Terry had Kate.

      If you go to the funeral, you will be with a bunch of people who probably think along the same lines as you. This means their expectations for what you will say will be rather low. A simple, “I am sorry” (don’t say what you are sorry for) or “I am glad she is not suffering anymore” is plenty.

    11. Double A*

      I think, if nothing else, a kind thing you can say about Terry is that you are grateful that she brought Kate into this world. To be there for Kate, I think just listening, asking questions, and letting her know it’s okay to have complicated feelings.

    12. cleo*

      I had this exact situation with my maternal grandfather. He was a pretty terrible father and grandfather but it was important to my mother to maintain a relationship with him.

      I decided to go to the funeral to support my mom (and also confirm he was actually dead). And it was fine. I was able to support both my mom and my grandmother and I was glad I was there.

      I made sure that I had my “team cleo” lined up ahead of time. I needed people in my life that knew the story, that knew he was an abusive, damaging a-hole so I didn’t feel like I was lying. And because of that, at the actual funeral and related events, I didn’t need to talk about my feelings – I just focused on making sure that everything went well.

      I did make sure I had a couple neutral things to say about him that sounded complimentary if I needed to say anything (yes, he sure loved to travel / play tennis / go sailing) but I don’t remember if I used them. I mostly just listened to stories and thanked people for their condolences.

      I also made a private bargain with myself that I would quietly leave if anyone said that he was a devoted family man but no one said that.

    13. RagingADHD*

      I think being close to the person but outside the grief actually puts you in a great position to do practical things, like cooking and cleaning, driving people to/from the airport, dealing with logistics, writing thank-you notes, doing a calling tree to notify Terry’s friends, or just sitting with Kate and handing her Kleenex.

    14. WS*

      Forget about Terry – the person you’re here for is Kate. Support her (with driving, groceries, any help that she needs) when her mother is dying, and continue to support her (with logistics, anything she wants to hand off to you, getting death certificate copies, dealing with bills etc.) as she copes afterwards. Kate is going to be grieving, if not for actual Terry, then for then mother she wanted to have.

  17. Teapot Translator*

    I changed handbags this fall and the one I got out of storage was “peeling”. I finally had to throw it out. I’m thinking of buying a new handbag, but what material should I buy to make sure the handbag lasts a long time?

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I’m not vegan, so leather is definitely an option. But I need to research how to find good leather.

        1. Reba*

          Full grain leather is the most durable. Next is top grain, a lot of fashion pieces are made with this as it’s smoother and pliable. “Genuine leather” is least quality, it’s often laminated or bonded to increase its thickness and stability, hence peeling. Saddle leather or strap leather is thick, like for belts.

          I’m really happy with my Fossil bags, which are top grain. Read the reviews as some models have hardware issues.

          I’m planning to look for vegetable-tanned leather for my next bag.

        2. fposte*

          Generally it’s about what layers of the hide are used. Full grain and top grain are the best stuff; split grain is the lower layer, and it’s often the base for color and decoration (it’s also where they get suede). “Genuine leather” is “we didn’t want to say,” sort of the mystery meat of leather.

          1. Teapot Translator*

            I’m at a stage in my life where I think I can afford full grain and top grain. I don’t follow fashion, so the handbag needs to last a long time. I think I’ve bought “genuine leather” all my life.

        3. Dino*

          I was sick of peeling bags and finally got a leather one. I only use one bag at a time (so it needs to hold up to daily wear and tear) and don’t care about brand names at all so that wasn’t a factor in searching. Even though I’m not vegan I don’t want an animal to be killed solely for leather, and I was lucky enough to find a local leather goods company that only uses leather leftover from food processing. They even warn that your bag might have a brand mark on it, ha.

          Anyway, I looked hard at their reviews and return policy then took the plunge. Cost $160 but two years later it looks almost new—it probably would look new if I treated it with leather balm but I haven’t bothered yet. It handles scuffs and scrapes well, and took an entire 10oz of orange juice spilt inside it without leaving any marks. And I regularly get compliments from strangers. I’m hoping to use it for many years to come!

          1. Teapot Translator*

            Can I have the name of the company? I’d love a bag from “leftover” leather.
            I use max two bags a year (one for the summer, one for winter) and for as many years as they will last.

            1. Reba*

              FWIW, all leather (excluding some “exotic” ones) come from this kind of leftovers. It is a by-product or co-product of animal farming. It’s not waste reduction, it’s a small portion of the profit.

              But it *is* unique that Dino’s bag company uses imperfect hides, which might otherwise have just been trashed especially since demand for leather is declining. Probably helps keep the price point a bit lower as well!

              Other factors in thinking about a lesser-harm product might including looking for vegetable-tanned products, or trying to find leather sourced from countries with relatively stronger environmental regulations, because the tanning process can be very polluting.

        4. The Dogman*

          More important is good leather care.

          Bags and gloves will need moisturising, get some good products and treat the leather regularly.

          As others have said steer clear of “genuine” leathers, this is the cheap stuff.

          1. Teapot Translator*

            Thank you! When I buy the handbag, I’ll ask the company if they have recommendations for treatment.

            1. The Dogman*

              Good idea, and if they are vague ask at a proper shoe shop or a bikers gear sort of place, they will have good recommendations too!

    2. ATX*

      Leather, but not all leather is the same. I’ve bought Coach, Kate Spade, and Michael Kors bags and all have peeled within 2 years. I stepped up my game after a ton of research and a testimonial from a friend who had a Mansur Gavriel bag, and recently took the plunge and bought one. They will last decades.

      I got the one called soft lady bag and I’m in love. It’s wonderful quality.

    3. LQ*

      I will make a bit of a case for cork. I have a few of them and the longest I’ve had one is about 5 or 6 years and it’s still going strong and looks good. It’s wearing a bit on the corners but still wearing well and it looks good as it wears.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I don’t have a preference about the material as long as it lasts a long time and reduces my consumption of handbags. I’ll explore cork! Thank you.

    4. Idyllic Gulag*

      I don’t know purses, but I do know leather. As other have said, full grain is best from a durability standpoint. It wears nicely too – it “gathers patina” rather than “totally fails”. It’ll be thicker and heavier, so take that into account. Avoid “corrected” grain, split grain, “genuine leather”, etc.

      Research proper leather care for your specific bag; with a minimum of effort, it’ll last a lifetime.

    5. PollyQ*

      If you don’t care much about fashion, I strongly recommend Kipling bags. Variety of designs, lots of pockets, wear like iron.

      2. riverflows*

        +1 My Kipling crossover purse is 12 years old and I use it 90% of the time. I’ve tossed it in the washer a few times over the years!

    6. Teapot Translator*

      I just remembered that where I live, there’s an annual event where arts and crafts people all gather in the same place to sell their products. The event will take place this year, so I’ll wait to go there to shop my new handbag. We have a high rate of vaccination where I am and we have to wear masks indoors, so I’ll feel safe.

      1. Reba*

        What a great idea! I hope you find something you like (and that you don’t go overboard as I inevitably do at these kinds of things!).

  18. Destination Anywhere*

    I love sending and receiving postcards in the mail. My mother recently sent me a wooden postcard with the comment that she won the postcard competition with this unique card. And she’s right, I’ve never seen a wooden postcard before. It’s like a little plaque with my favorite bird on it. It’s very cool! Now I’m wondering has anyone else seen any really unique postcards? I’d love to try and find something to one up her, but I can’t think of anything that would make a super unique postcard.

    1. Bobina*

      Oooh. I’m also a postcard person. I’ve seen puzzle cards (doesnt really work as a postcard as it needs an envelope) and maybe some made out of cloth or fibrous type things. But a wooden one is pretty good!

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      According to Car Talk, you can send anything (not dangerous) through the mail if you buy the postage. This specifically applied to coconuts.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I have seen this! I worked one semester at the front desk of a residential high school, and one day the mail that I was sorting into the kids’ mailboxes included a coconut that someone had whacked a bunch of postage on, written an address in sharpie, and covered the postage and address with clear packing tape to secure it, then chucked the whole mess into the mailbox. (That was also the day I had to say “No, I don’t have a loaner machete” which was not something I had ever anticipated having to say at a high school.)

    3. Koala dreams*

      I like the advent calendar cards. Not very unique, but the right time now for people who like advent calendars. Postcards with your own photos or drawings are nice, too.

      1. It's Quarantime!*

        Advent calendar post cards? Please tell me more about this interesting concept. Where does one find these?

        1. Koala dreams*

          I bought the last one in a bookshop, but apparently you can buy from Etsy too. (Perhaps other places as well.) Mine came with an envelope to put it in. They are similar to Christmas cards, but you can open the small windows and there are mini pictures behind the windows.

    4. Meh*

      I try to collect the wooden postcards from places we visit. Usually tourist spots will have them. I like 5hey they are usually a vintage ad or scene from the area

    5. Amanda*

      I make fabric postcards, using Timtex to stiffen them. Lots of fun and a good way to use up scraps of fabric, trims, and buttons.

    6. river*

      This reminds me of what people used to do here in New Zealand. There is a plant called muttonbird scrub which has really leathery leaves, so people used to write on them, add a stamp, and use them as postcards. The underside of the leaf is pale, so that’s the side you write on. It has a soft, thick texture almost like suede. The leaves don’t go crispy or dry out, so it worked pretty well, but it used to annoy the postal service.

      1. Sleepless*

        That combination of local lore and malicious compliance makes my heart happy. Thank you for sharing this!

    7. Michelle*

      You piqued my interest when you mentioned wooden postcards, as I had never seen one before. While looking at options online, I came across Monkey Design Seal Postcard – Japanese Styles Series Wooden Postcard on Amazon. There are two designs, Osaka Castle and Tokyo Tower. They are a wooden postcard, but then you can “punch out and assemble” pieces from the wooden card to create a 3-D decoration. It would be one way to one-up the wooden postcard idea. A search online for 3D POP UP WOODEN POSTCARDS turns up some really cool ones. Some on etsy (formesberlin), others from Scotland, and even Amazon has a a Christmas post card that can be 3-D (Wooden 3D Christmas Cards Gift- Pop Up Happy Holidays And Happy New Year Greetings)

    8. MissCoco*

      I believe there is a rule about “self contained units” which determine what can be mailed without packaging, if you’re willing to branch out from strict postcards in order to win this competition.
      I sent out individual plastic Easter eggs with stamps to friends in college, and you can also send flipflops, citrus fruits, and plastic things with address + appropriate stamps
      If you celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah, I think a plastic ornament or a dreidel could be sent (and definitely meet weight requirements!)

  19. Grandma Mazur*

    We have just bought a (what is for me my first ever) microwave (800w), and I’m looking for tips/advice/recommendations along three broad avenues (ok, there’s some overlap):
    1. Best ways to cook food in it/
    hacks/things we wouldn’t think of (eg, I’ve heard microwaves can make good scrambled eggs – how long to cook them for, how often to stop and stir? How can we make popcorn if we’re not using the prepped packets?)
    2. Your best recipes for meals that are very quick because microwave (I’m not sure how to line up the sequential nature of the components – or do we just put everything on a plate and cook one person’s first?)
    3. What essential microwave gadgets should we get and what should we avoid?
    Thanks in advance!!

    1. Virginia Plain*

      Scrambled eggs cook quicker than you think, you want to be stirring every thirty seconds and the whole thing will only take a couple of minutes.
      Cover things when you cook/reheat as they often splatter the insides of the microwave (much more so than an oven).
      I don’t think one needs many gadgets as long as you have non-metallic plates and bowls. I like a plastic bowl with a handle as said handle doesn’t get as hot.
      Don’t put crockery that has a gilt edge in the microwave – it won’t explode but it will spark.

    2. Virginia Plain*

      Also definitely cook different foods separately (unless you are just quickly reheating a plated meal). Things cook at different rates; the wetter it is the faster, broadly speaking. And stir! Microwaves don’t heat that evenly and food will be hotter on the edges so stir stir stir before serving.

    3. ATX*

      Microwaves do not cook good eggs… they are quite ish compared to eggs on the stove! I only use it when I’m in a bind and don’t have time to prepare them at home before I go to work.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I use the microwave to:
      • Reheat leftovers. (Or other already-prepared foods.)
      • Melt butter or chocolate. (50% power)

      I would not buy a microwave gadget. The rotating plate is nice but if it’s not built in, just microwave in 2-3 smaller time increments and move the food around. (The waves can set up an interference pattern with hot and cold spots, so you want to shift the food around to account for those.)

      I have heard of people making bacon in the microwave but was too afraid of the grease potential to try. I think of the microwave as good when you already have the food cooked the way you like it (e.g. sear on the meat) and you just want to increase its temperature a bit to make it palatable. When without a microwave for a couple of months I just skipped any recipes that wanted to melt butter or chocolate because I don’t have the patience to do that on the stovetop.

    5. CJM*

      I like popping popcorn in the microwave. It comes out crispier than in the air popper, and I don’t need to use oil like I did as a kid, when I made it on the stovetop.

      I put about a quarter to a third cup of kernels into a paper bag (nothing else in there) and turn down the top of the bag a few times (so the bag can mostly be filled with popped corn). Then I press the popcorn setting, which runs for 2:30 on my machine (not sure about the power level). I have to listen closely so it doesn’t burn toward the end. The pops steadily slow down, and I stop it with about 25 seconds left.

      You’d have to experiment on your machine. I don’t cook much, so it’s my top use of the microwave besides reheating leftovers.

      1. Lady Glittersparkles*

        I had no idea you can make microwave popcorn this way! I’ll have to give it a try, I for some reason have the hardest time not burning air popped popcorn, but I hear the lining in microwave bag popcorn isn’t good for you.

    6. cat socks*

      For gadgets, I have a plastic, domed lid that lives in the microwave. I use it to cover food that needs reheating. It works a lot better than using a plate or paper towel. I never have to wipe out of the inside of the microwave.

      I do hand wash the lid and turntable on a regular basis. Even though I don’t have splatters, I will sometimes put a piece of lemon in some water and microwave until boiling. I wipe off the steam residue and the inside smells fresh.

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        Okay, even though I said up-thread that I didn’t think much of microwave accessories, the domed cover is actually very useful. Easier than cleaning the inside of the microwave. (Especially as mine is over the stove and I’m short.)

    7. Laura H.*

      Get a splatter cover. If you reheat stuff that can explode like soup, you just wash the splatter cover as opposed to having to scrub out the whole microwave interior. Get a large- and small-circumference one for different plate sizes.

    8. GoryDetails*

      I wouldn’t make scrambled eggs in a microwave because they’re so quick to make in a pan, with better control – at least that’s my experience. What I *love* my microwave for:

      Reheating things – mine has a “reheat” button that works very well on all sorts of different foods, different quantities, everything. [I have plastic domes-with-vents-in-them to put over the plates or dishes, helps control spatter and even out the reheating. Oh, and my microwave has a rotating turntable with a removable glass dish, making it easy to clean.]

      Melting butter

      Corn on the cob: I dampen each ear, wrap in waxed paper, and nuke on the “hard vegetables” setting – they come out beautifully. (Your model may have its own guidelines for cooking corn; I think mine takes 6 minutes or so?)

      Vegetables in general: the microwave cooks them pretty much by steaming, so any time I want steamed veggies I can use the microwave instead. Saves the time and the water. (I often prepare mixed peppers and eggplant this way, as a prep-step before sauteing the softened vegetables for use in quiches or as a side dish in its own right.)

      I do use frozen entrees fairly often, and of course the microwave’s great for those. Also for heating up my own frozen batch-meals, stews or soups or whatnot. My model has a “frozen entree” button that works quite well, including the various pauses to stir or reposition foods for best results.

    9. LQ*

      I’ve never seen anyone else do this, but if you find stuff getting poorly heated I put in a thing of water along side it, it seems to slow and even the heating. I always always do this with chololate. Just a pyrex with 2 cups of water next to the butter i want to melt or the chocolate i want to melt and it’s slower, but way more even. your mileage may vary.

      1. Law School*

        I do this to reheat things like starches, especially pasta. Heats more evenly and prevents that congealed, reheated taste.

        Also, if you need to soften butter but not melt it, I put a glass of water in the microwave for one minute. Empty the glass when it’s done and put the stick of butter in the heated, empty glass for a minute. Softens it right up.

    10. Not A Manager*

      Popcorn: My microwave does not have a popcorn setting. I put 1/4 cup of kernels into a paper bag, roll down the top, and microwave on high for 2 minutes. Then shake the bag and microwave for another 2 minutes. Stand by the appliance and listen. When you hear a lot of fast popping, stop the cycle and remove the bag. If you leave the popcorn in longer, it starts to burn.

      I do not like single-use gadgets, BUT my spouse loves popcorn and has it at least 3 times a week. We bought a special microwave popcorn popping bowl that he loves. It’s a plastic bowl with a vented top and some cardboard filters that go in the bottom. The filters are reusable up to a point, and then you replace them. I can find the brand if you’re interested.

    11. Koala dreams*

      You can often find old microwave cooking books from when microwaves were trendy. Ask around. Crumble apple pie is tasty. The order depends on the food, it can get complicated with too many ingredients. (I’ve also seen a cooking book for a coffee maker, by the way.) If it’s for more than two or three people, it’s usually faster with a regular oven/stove.

      My favourite dish is oats, perfect to make for two (I make one bowl first, then the other), no need to wash the pan, just the bowls and perhaps the lid.

      1. fposte*

        Totally agree on microwave oatmeal–just remember to use a bowl that’s much bigger than the contents, since things will bubble up while cooking.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        Agree on oatmeal and hot cereal in general, and seconding fposte’s comment about using a large bowl to avoid a mess bubbling over.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        Speaking of bowls. A friend gave me a “pot holder” for bowls in the mic. It’s squarish, with thick material and several seams so the pot holder is cupped to fit the bowl. You put the pot holder in the mic with your bowl of food to be heated. When the food is done, it’s very easy to remove the hot bowl from the microwave with this pot holder type thing cuddling the bowl.

    12. OxfordBlue*

      Apart from popcorn the other dish I’ve done really well in a microwave is a steamed sponge pudding which took 15 mins compared to an hour and a half in a saucepan of water. I’ve also used them to reheat Christmas pudding not quite so successfully but think that was down to using an unfamiliar machine at a friend’s house.
      Many of my friends have switched to combi ovens which are microwaves with a grill and/or a conventional oven all in what looks like just a microwave and swear by them for reasons of economy and convenience so you might want to have a look at that type of machine as they aren’t much different in price here and you can save quite a bit by not using so much energy to prepare your food.

    13. I take tea*

      It’s very easy to bake sweet potato in the microwave. Wash it, cut the skin around both ways (as if you would quarter it), put it on a plate and turn it over halfway. The time depends a lot on the size of it, 6+6 works for one big as two smallish fists. It’s possible to do potatoes as well, but I think the sweet potato turns out better.

      Cooked veggies, as others have said, either raw or frozen. Brussel sprouts, green beans, baby carrots: just put them in a bowl with a little water and cover up. Ready in a couple of minutes.

      It works well for stale bread, at least the kind we have: take a damp paper towel and cover the bread. Nuke for 30 s or so, just so it gets warm and soft. Eat immediately, because it will turn to rock when it cools.

      Very hassle free hot cocoa. Mix the cocoa powder and sugar (or what you use) in the cup, add a little milk or water, stir and then fill up with milk of your choice.

      For gadgets: I bought a little thing that makes it possible to heat two plates of leftovers at the same time. It’s a bit silly, but actually is quite nice that neither have to wait for their food to be ready.

    14. Janet Pinkerton*

      My favorite microwave trick is to cover everything in a damp paper towel to ensure it doesn’t dry out or splatter, then use the damp paper towel afterwards to wipe down a surface of the microwave, usually the front door.

    15. RagingADHD*

      Having had microwaves nearly my whole life, I would *not* use them for cooking entire meals. Nothing browns, and proteins can get quite rubbery.

      They are great for:

      Reheating, especially soups, stews, and sauces.
      Steaming vegetables.
      Quick baked potatoes (though they are tastier im the real oven)
      Oatmeal
      I don’t like scrambled eggs in the microwave, but I do like poaching eggs in a small dish of water with a loose fitting lid. About 50 seconds per egg. (That’s my beverage setting).

      The more water something has in it, the better it will fare.

      1. Pennyworth*

        I have recently started cooking some meals in the microwave. I put vegetables in a small rectangular pyrex (whatever I have on hand, potatoes etc diced) then one or two chicken legs on top. Season to taste. Microwave until chicken is done. It is quite tender and all the meat juices run down through the veg. Also works with salmon instead of chicken, but I cook the vegetables first then put the salmon in for another couple of minutes. Yes, I do live alone!

    16. Owler*

      I agree with the commenter about using the microwave to steam veggies, especially potatoes, sweet potatoes, and corn on the cob. Use a fork to puncture your potato/sweet potato and microwave for 6-8 min (adjust for size). If you can get good corn on the cob, you can microwave in the husk, which keeps it more tender! I think it’s 4min for an ear of corn? To husk and desilk it, you just cut the stem end of the war about 1/2 from the end (you want the cut to separate the leaves from the stem). Then hold the silk end of the ear with a dishtowel or oven mitt and basically pinch the cooked husk/silk end to slide the cooked ear out of the husk and silk. It should be a clean side and you don’t have to pick out the silks.

    17. small town*

      The recipe recommendations are great! I would like to share my best cleaning tip because sooner or later something will overcook or you will have a guest or…something. If it looks like something exploded in there, fill a coffee mug mostly full of water for about 3 minutes. It makes a steam bath and then you can wipe things off without using chemicals.

  20. Teapot Translator*

    Does anyone know if there is a free, easy to use tool (whether online or on premise) to draw a plan for furniture?
    I want a custom-made wall unit for my living room and some of the companies that build them ask for an idea of what I want. But well, I don’t know exactly? Some of them offer to draw the plans as a separate service (paid), others as part of the package (so I have to agree to get the unit from them), and well, what if we start the process and I realize I don’t like their design and materials?
    This feels like a really complicate project to me.

    1. Llellayena*

      Graph paper, a tape measure, a pencil and scissors! Measure the room/wall and draw it on the graph paper (one square can be 3” or 6” or whatever ends up fitting). Measure and furniture, draw it on a new piece of graph paper and cut it out. Now you can place it in the graph paper room and move it around. If you’re looking at some kind of sectional piece of furniture make each section a separate cut out so you can switch them around.

      A 3D option is SketchUp. Free download and will let you build the room in 3D and you can add furniture from a library or build your own in the program. Many tutorials are available online.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Will add to the graph paper method:
        • Once you have your clean to-scale drawing of the space you’re working with, make a bunch of photocopies of it. Use these to sketch ideas.
        • Especially in an older house, check that the distance between, say, door frame and window frame at the ceiling is the same at the floor.

        If you aren’t sure what you want, I think the best thing is to look at a LOT of samples from each company. Go with the one whose designs evoke “Oh, this looks nice. I like how they solved this” responses from you.

        1. Teapot Translator*

          Yeah, I looked at what the companies had online, and only sent a request for a quote to companies whose style I liked.
          Thanks for the advice!

    2. Expiring Cat Memes*

      Ikea have free storage planners online where you can input sizes, play with configurations, materials, colours etc and use a 3D visualiser tool. Try the Besta one?

    3. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      You would definitely have the final say on design and materials. The process should be: they give you a proof, you ask for changes on the proof until you are happy with it, you approve the proof and materials, they build it. You should never have to just accept the first sketch they offer.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        That’s what I thought! And that’s how it was for another custom-made furniture I ordered. But that company doesn’t make wall units so I can’t order from them again.

    4. Maxie's Mommy*

      Look on Pinterest for bookcases you love. See what they have in common. Do you want all display, or display over storage? Don’t forget to include a baby spot light/s to show off your collections.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I did a search on Pinterest, but I do have images of what I like, but I couldn’t find exactly what I want.

  21. The Mayor*

    Bareback has always meant, to me as a former bartender, a junior employee, often a teenager, who job it was to collect used glassware, wash it, replace full trash bags & take it away, replace empty kegs & liquor bottles. This frees up the bartender to make drinks. Not all bars would be busy enough to need a barback, but on a busy evening they could be worth their weight in gold. Oh, and bartenders & servers shared their tips with the barback.

  22. Expanding scope of remodel*

    Tips for surviving an expanded remodel? TLDR; anyone use PODS to store furniture?

    After living in our house for almost 2 decades, we are finally remodeling our kitchen. Gutting it really- floors, all cabinets and counters, appliances etc. Maybe the sink faucet gets retained, maybe. It’s not a huge room and we aren’t expanding the walls or anything so really it’s just a change out of finishes.

    Within the space, I’m getting inset cabinetry and soapstone counters and high end appliances. I’m not doing another kitchen. Ever.

    The floor in the kitchen is toast- we can’t fix the wood floor and it’ll need to be ripped out. We are matching the oak flooring in the adjoining dining room. The house is old and so the flooring is rather narrow – 1 1/2 inches wide. Challenging to source but our floor contractor can get it. He will weave in the new and old flooring.

    Also we have an entryway between the dining room and living room where there is still linoleum (and no hardwood underneath). The living room floor is stained and the dining room floor isn’t. The wood is the same- it’s just a different color. The office attached to the living room also has dark stained oak.

    So we expanded a bit- all floors downstairs refinished at the same time, tear out linoleum and weave in new oak to match existing oak, fill, sand, finish.

    And the fun part? We still get to live here. We only leave for a couple of days when they put the seal coat on. We have two dogs and a cat, will have no kitchen and our master is on the main floor. But we can access the back hallway, bathroom and bedroom as well as the upstairs while the floor project is going on since those floors are excluded from the project. I can’t move out so I’m looking for ways to survive! Tips? My kitchen will be torn up and any temporary cooking facilities will be moved to the basement during the floor portion of the project. We may be eating with our garage door open (basement garage) but at least we’d be able to cook…

    Have you used PODS? I have to cram furniture somewhere and the big stuff (couches, dining room table, buffet) can’t make a corner to get into the master bedroom. Do I hire movers to move the stuff into the POD? I have driveway space but is it better to move the POD offsite?

    (Also, when we had the upper floors refinished, we “blocked” off the staircase. I now have kitty prints of a since-deceased kitty permanently on the second floor where he took refuge and walked out after the finish went on. Current kitty will be taking a vacation during the final refinishing step in this project.)

    1. It’s all good*

      We had a kitchen redo that last months instead of weeks. Highly recommend a Foodi all in one air fryer/pressure cooker. We mainly used it and hardly ever our microwave. We had both in the garage. Good luck!

      1. Missb*

        thanks! I have two instant pot pressure cookers (one small, one normal size), an air fryer toaster oven, and a single electric induction burner so I’m pretty prepped to do without the wall ovens or gas cooktop for as long as needed. I won’t love not having appliances.

        I do currently have a microwave in my pantry. I’m actually taking the pantry out during the remodel and it isn’t coming back. I may leave the microwave in the basement forever.

        (I’m stuck with a small footprint and I’d really like a normal width fridge. The only way to do that is to sacrifice most of the pantry space and switch over to a roll-out pantry cupboard. I also have a basement pantry so I’m fine with not having a big one in my kitchen.)

        Thanks for the good luck – I’m going to need it!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          My hardest part of being without a kitchen was cleanup – I didn’t trust my other sinks to the heavy duty work of washing dishes, and my kitchen had no sink or dishwasher for almost a month. So even though I had the stovetop, oven, and small appliances out my ears, I didn’t have a reliable way to wash anything, so didn’t hardly use them.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Good luck: When relatives remodeled the kitchen and added a family room they arranged for it to happen in the two summer months they would be at the shore. So of course work started in October. Plan for the long haul, is what I’m saying.

      Captain Awkward has a bit of advice about sometimes money being the cheapest way to solve a problem. I would look at what it costs to rent an off-site storage locker vs PODs, and what a two-guys-with-a-truck mover would cost for the afternoon. I think PODs are fine for a short-term thing, and it’s just a question of how short-term this will actually be.

      1. Missb*

        well, nothing is really short term right now with the supply issues. That’s a pro and a con. I really only need the furniture off-site when they’re doing the floors and that’s just for a couple of weeks. Once the finish is on the floor, the furniture can carefully be moved back in about 3 days later, but we’d probably wait a couple of weeks.

        I fully expect that we’ll be without a kitchen longer than we will want. The extra floor project just adds to the fun, and I’m still weighing the pros and the cons of just doing the kitchen floor vs doing the entire first floor. I’m pretty set on doing allll the floors that need it, but the reality is that they wouldn’t finish the floors in the kitchen until after the cabinets are in, so arranging everything schedule-wise is a bit of a nightmare.

        Did I mention that I’m the general contractor on this project?

    3. newbie*

      For the POD in driveway vs POD stored away dilemma, are your neighbors petty jerks and if so, how thick is your skin? In my ‘hood, a couple of people who dearly need hobbies like to snark loudly about PODs. After a bit of online abuse, I helped one neighbor last year decorate her’s with twinkle lights to make it a bit more festive :-)
      If you’re a person for whom the neighbors’ opinions get under your skin, POD stored offsite might be a better option.

      1. Missb*

        I mean, maybe one is? Mostly because he’s tearing down his newly purchased perfectly fine house and building a behemoth.

        The neighbors on either side won’t see the pod if it’s parked in the driveway. We’re pretty private what with all the vegetation/trees.

      1. Missb*

        yep, great point. We aren’t young, and the furniture that has to end up elsewhere isn’t light. It’s all the big and heavy stuff. It’ll be well worth it to hire movers.

    5. Ali G*

      Are you certain all your stuff is in? We started a kitchen remodel in March and we will be lucky to actually do anything until January. We aren’t removing anything until all the cabinets and appliances have arrived. Everything is back ordered.
      Anyway, assuming you aren’t starting until you have all your new stuff ready to go, the refinishing the floors will be the most inconvenient part. A POD in the driveway for a few weeks shouldn’t be a problem. It’s pretty common where I live. I wouldn’t send it away, you might need something from it, or need to add things as you go along.

      1. Missb*

        Ha, no nothing is in. I’m an engineer so I plan well in advance. I’m also acting as the general contractor on this project – that’s something we always do. We’re planning on a May or June install for most stuff – best case scenario with long lead times.

        The appliances get ordered later this month and will be held at the warehouse locally until we’re ready to have them installed – we’re being told 4 months, but more likely 6 months. The flooring, once we make the decision, will be ordered next week and is expected to take almost 4 months to arrive. I’m still waiting to hear how long they plan on having the flooring sit in the house before installing, but generally we’re using the time between now and then to yank things out and live with a temporary kitchen because I can’t measure for cabinets until I have bare walls. Once I have a firm date for flooring, I’ll know when to order the cabinets which are currently taking 8-12 weeks from the vendor we’re going with. I’d like to give a buffer of about 4 weeks, but it really depends on the cabinet shop.

        We are fortunate that we can live with the unfinished floors for as long as needed, just with paper down. We’re already planning on shifting to sleeping upstairs for the duration of the project so that our master bedroom can be used to store/access stuff except for the larger pieces that won’t fit in the room. We have a den upstairs so not having a couch or office will be fine. We’re WFH, so it’ll be “fun” to squeeze in different places upstairs.

        There is very minimal electrical work that is needed. We have to pull a permit for one circuit but otherwise the lights and switches are all in the right places and are wired correctly. The plumbing and gas lines aren’t moving.

        But yeah, I’m hoping it’s all wrapped up by next October.

        Seems like a pod in the driveway is the solution I need.

        1. Ali G*

          Oh man I get this so much! Just to commiserate, we ordered our appliances in June, and will lucky if they arrive in January. Apparently manufacturers are so behind they are only making stainless steel appliances. We of course ordered matte black and have no idea when they will start making them. Our cabinets had a 17 week lead time, which means maybe right before Christmas (they will also be stored off site). Luckily we don’t have to floors to do, and our counters, which will also be the back splash have been purchased. We are also getting new French doors and 2 windows, so we told the contractor to just order them and we will store them here because we don’t want any more hold ups.
          We also have a dog and already have some friends lined up to allow us to stash him in their basement during the day so they can work freely. We will go to the office for those weeks they finally get to work.
          Good luck! It sounds like you have it under control. We should check in and see how well or not well things are going once we both get started :)

          1. Missb*

            definitely we should check in!

            I guess I’m happy I’m choosing stainless steel appliances, lol.

    6. A313*

      Depending on your climate and your furniture, you may want to consider putting a bunch of desiccant packs into the POD. We had the POD stored wherever they store them, so we weren’t sure how climate-controlled they might be and much of the furniture we put in the POD was our nicer wood pieces, and we tossed a bunch of the packs in also. Also, I would hire movers for the big pieces, but with a POD, especially one you’re going to keep on the driveway, you don’t have to have everything ready to go in at one time if you need to add some boxes.

    8. Dwight Schrute*

      A word of caution with the pods- a friend used them to prep for a move and we had a weekend of bad rain and the pod flooded and ruined all of their furniture

  23. Ali G*

    Hi fellow dog owners!
    I need some help with my dogs loose stools. He’s old, like 14+ (in fact Monday is his 13th gotcha day!) and thus is on many medications. He also has to be on special kidney support food, so I can’t change his food. I picked the one with the least amount of grain and not based on chicken because they are two things he doesn’t do well on, and so I can’t switch it.
    He currently gets meds (Prozac, 2 heart meds, Gabapentin) 2x a day in cream cheese. Cream cheese works for us because it can easily be scaled up or down (sometimes he also gets Xanax or Apoquel too). He’d been doing fine until we added more pills recently and his stools are loose now almost every day. And a couple times a week he’ll freak out and need to go outside urgently to poop. IDK if it’s the medication (Gabapentin) or that he’s getting more cream cheese as he’s also been itchy so getting itch meds almost daily as well.
    He already gets canned pumpkin puree in every meal, he will not eat veggies.
    Does anyone have any suggestions for a supplement or a different pill vehicle that could help? Have you been here and been able to turn it around? Of is this just an Old Dog thing I need to deal with? I don’t want him to be uncomfortable all the time.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I suspect it’s an old dog thing. That said, in the spirit of experimentation:

      For itchy skin: Salmon oil squirted on the food, which I get at my specialty pet supply store. What I have now is called “Grizzly Salmon Plus.” Discovered with previous dog who had itchy skin, and it was great for that and made Not Itchy Dog’s coat lovely, so we still use it for latter and New Pup.

      For pills: We have had great luck with Greenies pill pockets. The household pets immediately formed a consortium and the rule is that if Old Dog gets a pill pocket, Young Dog also gets a pill pocket and the cats get to split a pill pocket. You can also try peanut butter.

      1. The Dogman*

        You can use hemp oil instead of salmon oils too, I find that they usually have a much larger range of omega oils and fatty acids than the fish oils.

    2. newbie*

      Anecdata, but Hills K/D has always resulted in good stools among dogs I’ve looked after.
      Pumpkin can go either way – it’s not the loose stool panacea that it’s often claimed to be. I’d try (with your vet’s blessing, of course), eliminating the pumpkin, and if that doesn’t take care of it on its own, adding psyllium fiber (Metamucil, plain, unflavored) instead.
      Lastly, digestion/absorption is a system that sometimes just quits working well as a dog gets extremely old. You might ask your vet about adding Tylan powder to their food and keeping a bit of Flagyl on hand for when he has a flare-up. Neither of these will resolve the problem, but both are effective at managing the symptoms, which at 14+ is probably the more realistic goal.

      1. Reba*

        Yay fiber! If the dog doesn’t like powder on their food, there are quite a few dog fiber supplements out there, most labeled for “scooting.” We have had success with the Naturvet No Scoot chewy treats/supplements, which are basically psyllium and some other vegetable fiber. They are the most palatable to my particular dog.

        (Pumpkin didn’t do much for my dog’s issues, though she still gets some just because she loves it.)

        In lieu of cream cheese, what about a scant coating of peanut butter?

        1. A Wall*

          +1 for the fiber. I had an elderly dog with IBS and I mixed psyllium fiber into her food every day along with a probiotic powder.

          Pro tip from my vet, if you buy the psyllium capsules instead of the powder, you can open them and put them in his food. The powder in the capsules is finer than the loose powder.

    3. Generic Name*

      As someone who has become lactose intolerant later in life, I wonder if the cream cheese is causing the loose stools. Could you try spray cheese (it’s artificial enough it doesnt bother me) or peanut butter for giving pills? Or could you request the medication in liquid form?

    4. Meh*

      I use American cheese for my 14 year old dog. Just enough to cover the pills that aren’t flavored. Can you adjust the timing of the pills, maybe spread through the day so it’s not all at once? We started an arthritis med for her that gave havr loose stool but that evened out after a few days.

    5. Other Meredith*

      My last dog (who was an old dog, also on much medication) could not handle dairy at all without getting horrible loose stool, so it’s possible it’s the cream cheese (although he had that dairy problem even when he was younger). It’s also worth calling the vet to see if any of the meds he’s on might cause it.

      As for giving pills, current puppy would sell her soul for a pill pocket. Last dog was a big peanut butter fan, but he was also a fan of a pill in a marshmallow.

    6. Ali G*

      Thanks to you all! I should have mentioned PB never agreed with him so that’s out. I have used pill pockets before, so I may try those again. Sometimes they aren’t big enough for all the meds, so then he needs 2 which can sometimes cause stomach upset because they seem fairly rich. But I will try them again and look into the fiber supplements (I’ll talk to the vet before using).
      I did think it was likely this is just an Old Dog thing too, but I’d like to try before I give up a deal.

    7. KR*

      Does he like pill pockets? They make the capsule ones and the tablet ones. I get the tablet (big) ones and then break them in halves or thirds so I only use as much as I need to cover the pill. My old boy doesn’t agree with dairy so that would be my guess.

      I know the anxiety can cause loose poops so that might be it too. Another cause could be that he might just be getting a lot of liquid in his food – when I got my good boy years ago he was getting fed wet food and dry food at the shelter and they told me he had a sensitive stomach. I cut out the wet food and he stopped having loose movements.

    8. Cj*

      Our 11 year old German Shepherd was recently suffering from loose stools, but seemed to be fine otherwise. We did need to switch his food for a while, which I realize you can’t do, he was also put on a probiotic that seemed to really help although it took about a month to be completely over. Like it got really good in just a couple days, and then would only sporadically be an issue for about a month.

      This is something you would want to discuss with your vet if you put him on any supplements, even if you can find them over the counter somewhere.

      Both my husband and I actually take gabapentin ourselves, and this has not been a side effect for either of us.

    10. The Dogman*

      It will be the cream cheese most likely.

      Very fatty, and that alwasy casues loose stools.

      Have you tried giving him something like Wheetabix or Shredded Wheat to help bind things back up a bit?

      For a small dog a 6th of a wheetabix with water should help, for a Labrador sized perhaps a half a bix every day or so should sort him out.

      My old boy got a bit runny when he was on all his meds and I am sure it was the pate and cream cheese he was getting. When I switched to Cheddar for the pills he was back to normal poo-wise.

      A bit more fibre should sort out his discomfort!

  24. Falling Diphthong*

    Thanks to those who suggested I might enjoy the King of Crows books even if I was disappointed by Shadow and Bone. A great romp.

    In this spirit, I’m looking for Unexpected Delights. Of any form. Something you expected to be not-actively-annoying and then it was wonderful.

    Mine is a place: Petrified Forest National Park. It’s on the road between Albuquerque and Flagstaff, and not really near anything else. We needed to break up a drive so I chose a hotel in the nearest town (Holbrook, AZ) and figured we would spend a couple of hours going through the park in the morning. We were there most of the day. It’s part of the Painted Desert, so absolutely beautiful landscape with such a variety: all very spare, but so many different ways to wrought beauty with a narrow palette.

    And the forest! This isn’t “according to the sign, this rock was once a tree.” It’s “Wow, this is very obviously a bunch of fallen trees scattered over the ground–look, you can even count the tree rings in this one.” If you have discovered latent geology nerd tendencies within yourself, this park is wonderful for geology just unrolling on the surface, in a way you can observe without needing to read the sign. (But the signs are great for giving more depth or answering FAQs.)

      1. Chaordic One*

        That might be something we could ask Alison to consider if she continues to work on updating the website.

    2. GoryDetails*

      I love that kind of discovery! I usually expect to enjoy visits to museums or national parks or whatnot, but sometimes they exceed my expectations so much that I get giddy. Most recently I “discovered” Bedrock Gardens, a sculpture-garden in Lee, New Hampshire, about an hour from where I live – but not on a main route, which is why I hadn’t come across it before. It’s a smallish garden/trail/sculpture/native-plants installation with easy, flat trails, delightfully-chosen paths and vistas, and a fascinating variety of plantings, seating, structures, and sculptures – ideal for an easy stroll, and fun to visit at different times in the year, to experience the seasonal changes in the plantings and things-in-flower. There’s even a “dark forest” segment of the trail, with eerie sculptures and a nicely uncanny feel – quite a surprise!

    3. Grits McGee*

      Mine is also a place- I live in the Washington DC area, and my favorite place in the district is the Summerhouse on the US Capitol grounds. It was designed by Frederick Law Olmsted and has a Spanish/Cordoba feel to it (a nice break from all of the bland federal neoclassicism!). There’s a bubbling fountain in the center, but the best part is the grotto- stick your face against the grate, and you get a cool gentle breeze from the small waterfall, and the scent of honeysuckle from the plants. Absolutely marvelous on a hot day.

    4. Generic Name*

      The first Pirates of the Caribbean movie was unexpectedly delightful. I remember going to see it thinking it might pass the bar of being “okay”, but it was so funny and charming.

    5. pieforbreakfast*

      My husband likes to find random places to visit in the surrounding areas- gardens, historic buildings, etc… One weekend it was an old grist mill that a local volunteer group had gotten going again. I was like, let’s go watch flour being made, yay. And it was pretty great- beautiful location, there was lot on the history of the town and mill. We got to help make some flour and sample baked goods made from it. I just saw they’re set up for cider pressing this month so we may go visit again.

    6. Skeeder Jones*

      Library of Congress

      I thought I was just doing a quick look at the building and the Gutenberg bible and then on to the next DC adventure. I ended up spending 4 hours there. They had a few exhibits that were really interesting, the one I remember the most was about letters home from war, they went all the way back to the American Revolution and gave a totally different view of some big events in US history. The building itself was also beautiful with so much detail inside. I’m really glad I made the impulsive decision to “pop in”

      1. Sleepless*

        We stayed in a VRBO rental near the Library of Congress, and we went inside mostly because it was close by. It is astounding. We spent hours there as well.

    7. Person from the Resume*

      A solo vacation to Phoenix, AZ in June which I’d the office season because it’s so hot. But I come from the humid south and I loved the lack of humidity. If your clothes and skin are not dripping in sweat are you really hot?

      The Desert Botanical Garden were lovely and the Heard Museum (Native American art) was great too.

      I didn’t expect such a lovely and relaxing vacation.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        We went to the Desert Botanical Garden at the start of this trip!

        You have to be really careful photographing things, because you can’t just walk backward until the whole plant is in frame–there might be a cactus behind you.

        I really appreciated the guide to different local habitats, which we could observe as we drove north.

        Also the restaurant was excellent. We picked it on “it’s right here” and it was great.

    8. Patty Mayonnaise*

      You might be interested in an episode of the podcast Criminal which is about people taking wood from the petrified forest. Lots of interesting stories! The episode is Triassic Park.

  25. Goose*

    I’ve been struggling with some mental health related memory loss lately. Mostly in terms of forgetting things that come naturally or automatically. Example: miscounted deliverables at work (that I was sure I counted correctly) led to me running around the city finding replacements and scraping my car on a parking structure, and when I got home I noticed my front bumper was hanging off, even though I was sure the original incident was only a bit of paint (I checked! Did I?)

    I guess I need help remembering to slow down when I am in an anxious rush. I have tried different mindfulness techniques but I haven’t been able to find one that helps when I’m in an extreme headspace. Does anyone have any strategies that work for them?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      This is a strategy for a strategy, but: A single counseling session with someone (recommended by fellow patients I met at my cancer support center). She proposed several techniques specific to me, based on what I was struggling with, about half of which resonated and I adopted them. (I had expected this (pre-surgery) session to be on diet and exercise, and it was all mindfulness, and that turned out to immensely help.)

      I saw this counselor a couple more times, well spaced out, and part of the appeal was that she is far more woo than my baseline: Because of that, she came at things in a way I didn’t. She thought of things I wouldn’t.

      Unfortunately I don’t have advice on how to find this person without the context “Lots of people at the cancer center recommended her.” But “see a counselor” doesn’t have to be “once a week for a year” to be helpful.

    2. Generic Name*

      Are you on any medications? If so, I’d bring this up with your doctor. For me, writing things down is a tried and true way to help me remember things. Maybe put things in notes on your phone and do it for things that you used to just keep in your head.

    3. Malarkey01*

      On the letting a mistake snowball and lead to anxious rushes Ive had a surprising amount of success with an “oh well statement” and a mantra (try a few until one resonates). I internalized and hold on to a lot (I may or may not still rerun an imaginary conversation I had with my boss 10 years ago coming up with wittier and wittier comebacks each time when I can’t sleep sometimes). An oh well statement is a way to acknowledge hunh that just happened and then put it in its proper perspective and say okay that’s done, no worries, move on with your day or with calmly fixing the issue. A mantra you can repeat seemed dumb to me and I doubted it would really work but am shocked at how making a declarative statement (like “I will be calm and polished for this presentation/event/etc) 3-5 times in a row suddenly connects as fact in your brain.

      I would suggest speaking to a therapist or doctor like the previous posters suggested because something like even a s all car accident where you don’t recall the extent of the damage is serious (not a panic but a this is a little worse than being frazzled).

    4. PollyQ*

      Have you tried any breathing techniques or things like consciously relaxing your muscles? Sometimes tackling the physical symptoms first can help the mental issues underneath. If the mental health issue is depression and you’re not taking medication, perhaps consider it. Anti-depressants can also help with mental acuity, not just mood. And while you’re dealing with it, checklists are your friend, even on things you know how to do. Good luck! I know how frustrating it is to deal with various kinds of brainweasels.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      When I lost my husband, my memory went out for a walk without me and I was stuck trying to “do life”. So I started right in on the common problems, I got a clasp for my key ring so I could attach it to something like a handbag or a tote bag. (Spent less time looking for keys.) I spent an hour or two on a non-work day lining up some of the things I needed for my work week and I put those things in relevant places such as the front seat of my car or in my tote bag. (Forgot less stuff, because I lined it up in advance.)

      I bought a calendar book and made sure I used it. Writing things in on the calendar did reinforce my recall.

      My biggest fear was that I would forget to feed the dog. So I made it a habit to feed him before I got my own food. You can attach unrelated tasks to each other and make habits of doing things in the same order so you don’t miss stuff.

      This one sounds irrelevant but you may want to try it: Go to bed around the same time each night and make sure you can get eight (or however many hours) you need to function the next day. It’s amazing how rest can help you fill in gaps as they happen and prevent other gaps from happening. For me, I found relief in knowing the fn day had finally ENDED.

      Have protein for breakfast or work with a protein drink. We get energy from rest and food. If we are faced with a crisis of any sort, we burn through vitamins and minerals at faster clip. Get stuff into your body that helps to fortify you. The brain works better when the body is fueled up.

      Last. I want to use the example you show here. This is actually pretty normal human behavior. One thing goes wrong, and the tired rattled human tries to remedy and in the process of remedying, one or more other things go wrong. I have horrible stories about people rushing to funerals with disastrous results- those are extreme examples, but it is also in us as human beings.
      What happens is a preoccupied mind. It starts with one thing going awry. The lack of concentration, focus in the moment can in some instances cause more things to go wrong.

      First and foremost check your self-talk. Congratulate yourself for getting through all the crap with fixing your work problem. Tell yourself positive things, “Yes, A, B and C went wrong BUT *I* worked through it all anyway and I am proud of me!” Try to see yourself as conquering the chaos against all odds. Maybe in your mind’s eye you have a super power cape on. You actually do have a very strong work ethic, we see that because you kept going and working at things.
      We do learn from this stuff and we do get better at coming up with remedies on the spur of the moment.

      Next. Not everything that happens is something that was foreseeable. As an example you probably did check the bumper of your car and it was FINE when you checked. However, during the ride home something worked loose and then it wasn’t fine. It’s not possible that you could have anticipated that one. Try to be realistic about your own expectations of yourself.

      Pad your time as often as possible. Try to make your day less rushed. We can’t help the unexpected things that pop up during a day, but we can avoid rushing the last minute to get to work or nervously waiting for the dryer to finish drying those pants we need RIGHT NOW, etc. Take things you know you have to do and allot plenty of time to get them done. This may make it feel like life has slowed waaaay down. But this is just temporary to help you through this time while you invest in your own well being.

      Grief (heavy sorrow, such as for any type of serious health issue) can trigger forgetfulness. Forgetfulness is part of grieving a loss such as a down turn in our well-being. Forgive yourself when you forget something, remind yourself that you are working to help yourself get better. Don’t skip this step, it’s important.

      1. I take tea*

        I always like reading what you write, Not So New Reader. You sound so genuinely wise and kind and practical. You have apparently learned a lot from life and are always willing to share. Thank you.

    6. Squidhead*

      Part of my work is training new employees (ICU nurses). We often have many tasks to do all at once and it feels overwhelming to figure out what to do first. Each task has multiple steps and so one step might get missed (like, they draw the blood but forget to print the label before sending it to the lab, which means they have to do it all over again, but the reason they forgot to print the label was that a piece of equipment started alarming and they didn’t know how to fix it or even if it was a high-priority alarm). And by the time they call me in they are frantic because the alarm won’t stop and the labs are wrong and my job is to basically come in and be the Voice of Reason. Help them triage what needs to be done first, force them to finish one task completely before starting another, etc… And here’s the thing: I’ve also been the frantic one with so many things going on that I don’t know where to start, even when I know how to do all the tasks. But if I catch myself, sometimes I can be my own Voice of Reason. I can literally say to myself “slow down, finish the labs before checking the alarm because the patient is still breathing so you have some time.” Equipment not working? “Okay, self, start at the beginning…is it plugged in? Is the cap open? Etc…”

      These are tasks and processes that you know how to do, but something is going awry (especially when an unexpected thing happened). But can you try stepping “outside yourself” a bit and being your own Voice of Reason?

      As others have pointed out, sometimes the Voice of Reason also involves acknowledging an unexpected thing and not berating the person for it but not allowing them to stew on it either. Like if they didn’t label the blood the only option is to get a new order from the doctor and draw the blood again. There’s no bargaining, no way to recover the old blood. Yes, the doctor might be annoyed but the correct path is to simply move forward with the new circumstances. The Voice of Reason is all about problem-solving, not self-flagellation.

      My self-talk for activating my inner Voice of Reason is a little unkind because I ask myself “what would I do right now if I wasn’t an idiot?” But that (totally optional) sarcasm helps snap my brain into the right mode!

      I don’t know if the Voice of Reason will help with your initial memory/focus trouble but it definitely helps me retain focus when things seem to be avalanching.

    7. Scared Sleepless*

      Sleep helps.

      I had a health scare 4 yrs ago.. and with it came sleeplessness and memory loss. I thought I wasn’t able to sleep because of the stress related to my health care and my memory issues..

      But it turned out my memory issues were related to lack of sleep and get worse or better with lack or / good sleep. My naturopath helped me see it!

    8. Slowing down*

      I was feeling like I was swept up in a current in a river, unable to stop myself or control my direction. Sometimes in those moments, it’s helpful to visualize myself on a raft going with the current–I cannot control the direction but I am afloat, I am safe, and that is the first and most important step. When I catastrophize and feel like everything is going wrong, this can help stop the feeling of free-fall.

      Sometimes it is helpful instead to visualize myself in a car that is going way too fast and out of control. I visualize myself pressing the brakes as hard as I can and feeling the car slow down. Sometimes it helps to press my foot to the floor in real life, a tactile feeling of “braking” to remind the brain to slow down. This has helped me regain emotional control in an anxiety spiral.

      I hope either of these help or inspire you!

  26. Anona*

    What are your favorite things to eat or have on a charcuterie platter this time of year?

    My husband and I are planning two in the upcoming weeks- one for Thanksgiving, and another to celebrate a friend’s wedding.

    1. Bluebell*

      We did a vegetarian charcuterie-ish last year at Thanksgiving when we zoomed friends- we had several kinds of cheeses, hard and soft, roasted cashews and almonds, olives, grapes, and dried apricots. Plus fancy Italian crackers, and carrot sticks. Pretty to look at, and tasty to much on while we chatted.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      This time of year, really high quality dried fruit. There’s a store that opened near me that does their own, and it was a real “OH. This is what dried apricots should taste like.”

      1. Expiring Cat Memes*

        Good quality dried pear is amazing!

        Aside from dried fruit: I don’t know what you’re able to get this time of year where you are, but fresh figs, dates or green apple cut into thin slices are always great with charcuterie and caramelised onion is a fantastic accompaniment to a sharp cheddar.

        My husband has also started smoking fresh trout rather than buying it smoked and it is heavenly – absolutely worth the effort.

    3. mreasy*

      The fancy cheeses that I wouldn’t buy other times of year due to cost are my favorite holiday treat!

    5. Generic Name*

      Figs plus blue cheese are amazing together. I love marcona almonds. They are quite expensive, so they definitely are a special occasion food for me. Fancy olives. Fancy olives stuffed with various things besides pimiento (blue cheese, garlic).

    6. Not A Manager*

      Seasonal things:
      – Some kind of preserved duck or other game (could be a pate, or smoked, or confit…);
      – Smoked fish
      – If you usually have a sweet spread to go with the cheese, you could have a spread that has cranberries in it;
      – Dried fall and winter fruits & nuts;
      – Grapes that you only get in the autumn, like Concord or others that pop out of their skin;
      – Dried beans. You can get lots of different kinds of beans that are toasted in a seasoning. I think chickpeas and soy beans are pretty common;
      – I’ve never seen this, but if I were doing a “seasonal” platter I would look for a recipe for pumpkin spread or chutney. I’ll bet you could cook down pumpkin with some spices until it’s thicker than what you use for pie filling.

    7. Bluebell*

      Last Thanksgiving we did a charcuterie-ish plate for a zoom get together with friends. Since we are vegetarian, there was no meat but we had several kinds of cheese, both hard and soft, dried apricots, a few kinds of nuts, olives, carrot sticks, and some fancy crackers and fig preserves. It was yummy.

    8. Ali G*

      Figs with blue cheese and honey.
      I always do roasted pepitas since my SIL is allergic to tree nuts.
      Deviled eggs.

    10. Cheese bored*

      Honeycomb is a fun sweet to add to your board along with great cheese & prosciutto, crispy crackers, sliced good quality baguette, olives, Marcona almonds.

  27. newbie*

    Y’all, I posted a few weeks back for advice on whether or not to buy a bike I’d seen on line. Readers, I bought the bike, it arrived in great shape, my local shop looked it over, and it’s awesome. It’s more comfortable and useful for transportation in a way that my road bike and mountain bike are not. The answer really IS n+1.
    Buy the bike :-)

    1. I take tea*

      I’m glad it feels right. I like the idea of having different bikes for different needs, if you have the space and money.

  28. Thanksgiving dinner*

    Alternative Thanksgiving meals! We’re a family of 3 and don’t really enjoy turkey much (or all the leftovers). When we had family over, we always made it (because that was what was expected) but with Covid it was just us last year, and will likely just be us again this year. Last year I made a bouillabaisse for Thanksgiving and it was wonderful – so I’d like to explore other non-turkey ideas again for this year!

    I will say we are not huge beef eaters, so I’m unlikely to make a huge cut of meat. But we are adventurous eaters so I’m open to ideas of foods from around the world!

    1. the cat's ass*

      We might be a little boring, but we do roast chicken with various sides. I make chicken congee the next day.

    2. CatCat*

      We eat plant-based and have decided to cook a Mexican meal for Thanksgiving. Our main dish will be a lentil-based rather than meat-based rellenos en nogada.

    3. Ali G*

      The last Thanksgiving dinner I did was a beef wellington. It was awesome. Since you don’t do beef, you could do something similar with a pork tenderloin.
      You could also consider something that takes all day so it’s kind of like an event: bake your own bread, put something in the slow cooker, and make you favorite sides from scratch.
      A fancy non-beef dinner could be roasted salmon. Or get some ahi tuna and make some sesame stuffed tuna with fun sides.

      1. A313*

        We just decided on beef Wellington earlier today for Thanksgiving! I’m really looking forward to it! Any sides suggestions you like?

    4. ThatGirl*

      We are having tamales for Thanksgiving, just the two of us. Plus chips, salsa, guacamole, retried beans… we did it last year and it was fun.

      1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        I love doing pork tenderloin or a pork roast, and they smell FANTASTIC while they’re cooking. Plus, the traditional turkey sides go nicely with pork if it’s just the meat that is switched up.

    6. Medical Librarian*

      We always do Cornish game hens with sides. Sort of like having a mini-turkey for each family member.

    7. Not A Manager*

      I’ve made individual Cornish game hens for small Thanksgivings. You can serve them with whatever traditional sides you do enjoy – we love the stuffing/cranberries/gravy but not the turkey. And people like to get their own tiny bird.

    8. tiredlibrarian*

      We do a homemade version of the bread service from the restaurant Sanaa at Disneyworld: naan + 9 dips, including coriander chutney, red pepper hummus, tamarind chutney, tomato date jam, red chili sambal among others.

      Then we do whatever normal sides sound good: jello jigglers, real mashed potatoes, biscuits (usually take out from Cracker Barrel), gravy, and pies.

      It’s just me and my husband, so we figured a few years ago to just do something we like :)

      1. Generic Name*

        Tell me more about this amazing sounding meal! Is there a website that has the recipe? Do you buy premade naan or do you make it from scratch?

        1. tiredlibrarian*

          We got the recipes at Disneyland, but I just did a google and these recipes look accurate to me: https://mission-food.com/homemade-naan-sanaa-dipping-sauces/
          It does take a bit of time — I’ll usually make one every night for the week before, and then the last couple Thanksgiving morning. There’re so good, and they keep for a good while after too.

          We usually use Trader Joe’s naan and garlic naan, but sometimes my husband will make naan using whatever recipe he finds appealing on the internet. :)

    10. Bluebell*

      I have friends who only do appetizers and desserts. Their menu always looks awesomely delicious! We are pescatarian, so we often make a roasted salmon, sometimes with rosemary and lemon and red onion. Very yummy.

    11. Aphrodite*

      Here are some ideas I love:

      https://www.skinnytaste.com/sheet-pan-shrimp-oreganata/
      https://www.thekitchn.com/the-ultimate-garlic-pasta-recipe-23116494
      https://www.thekitchn.com/salmon-tacos-recipe-23012453
      https://www.skinnytaste.com/grilled-shrimp-panzanella-skewers/
      https://www.skinnytaste.com/black-bean-vegetarian-chili/

      And my favorite “special”meal of all. The bastilla is not hard to make but it is time consuming and therefore perfect for a once- or twice-a-year occasions:

      Sour cherry soup
      Moroccan orange salad
      Chicken bastilla
      Carmelized shallots
      Steamed artichokes
      Apple or cherry pie with vanilla ice cream

    12. Generic Name*

      It’s just my husband and myself for thanksgiving this year, and we’re doing Cornish game hens. I myself don’t love turkey, so this is a welcome change for me.

    13. pieforbreakfast*

      We’ve done steamed crab legs and grilled oysters the last few years, with the usual T-day sides. It’s awesome. Then we use the crab body meat for crab cakes the next day. I say this knowing I’m lucky to live in an area where this is available fresh and affordable, but it helped me realize it’s awesome to step out of the traditional box.

    15. Bon voyage*

      Fall lasagna! I’ve love Midnight Chicken’s (vegetarian) butternut squash and leek lasagna! It handles substitutions well–a sweet potato and carmelized onion version is just as tasty!

    16. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I did lasagne one year – Italian sausage for the meat eaters and spinach and mushroom for the vegetarians. (I mean, anyone could eat whatever, but.) Very popular.

    17. Burnt Eggs*

      Not a turkey fan, so this year we are thinking a huge taco bar so people can have what they like, or a snack buffet with nachos, Swedish meatballs, cookies, and a general mishmash of our favorite things. I’m leaning toward this rather than a MEAL so we can enjoy each other rather than have the production of a big meal.

    18. Thanksgiving dinner*

      Oh yum! So many amazing ideas. I’m going to start looking into some of these – I’m so glad I asked.

    19. The teapots are on fire*

      Pork loin marinated with rosemary and balsamic vinegar, spinach salad, mashed sweet potato with cranberries stirred in before heating.

    20. Rosa*

      There’s a Brazilian recipe of creamy shrimp stew inside a pumpkin (“shrimp in pumpkin”, camarão na moranga) which fits well with the Thanksgiving’s theme.

    22. Chauncy Gardener*

      Chicken korma with home made naan! We do that Christmas eve sometimes as the anti-tradition. It’s very involved, delicious and satisfying

    23. Jane of all Trades*

      I’ve made swordfish for thanksgiving before and loved it – used a cranberry and soy sauce marinade, seared it in a pan and then moved briefly into the oven.
      Made it with the traditional thanksgiving sides – honey glazed baked carrots, stuffing, green beans, corn pudding!

  29. RussianInTexas*

    I have noticed that some advice columns (not this one!) are leaning heavily on to the mindset of “you should never ever make you spouse uncomfortable, worried, angry, etc”. And if they ever make you even slightly angry, that is Bad, So Bad, you should probably divorce.
    Have anyone else noticed this?

    1. L. Ron Jeremy*

      Yes I have. Really tough to find advise on making my spouse mad. Not sure why this is cause I make my spouse mad at least once a day and can’t find advise on how they can get just over it instead of always wanting to discuss it.

      1. Daffodilly*

        Maybe….you should work on you instead of trying to expect Spouse to “just get over it” when you do something that angers them?
        Like maybe understanding why spouse is getting angry, how you contribute to the issue, and changing YOU to make things better?

        1. Go to therapy*

          I mean, that kind of assumes Spouse is getting mad about reasonable stuff. If L. Ron is, say, making Spouse mad every by taking their coffee cup and putting it in the dishwasher while Spouse is still drinking their coffee, that’s an L. Ron problem. If L. Ron is making Spouse mad every day because they aren’t making sure every toilet in the house in perfectly scrubbed by 6 a.m. every morning, while Spouse never does any housework, that’s a Spouse problem.

          Either way, it’s 100% not an issue that’s solveable by internet strangers. Fix your marriage with people who actually know what they’re talking about, professionals if needed.

          1. Potatoes gonna potate*

            Agree with @go to therapy

            Daffodils perspective isn’t wrong either but having constantly be gaslit and feeling like just waking up is enough to piss spouse off…well I want to be flippant too.

        2. Camelid coordinator*

          Ha, I just shocked someone this week with a similar perspective. He was saying how his grandfather bought flowers for his grandmother every week and how as a kid he thought it was a romantic gesture. The grandfather later explained it was because he was in trouble or going to be in trouble and was buying the flowers to make up or apologize. I said the grandfather should have changed his behavior so he didn’t need to make up so often.

      2. Generic Name*

        I’m guessing that you’re having a tough time on how to get your spouse to just get over it is because it’s impossible to control another person’s behavior. But the good news is you do have control over your own behavior. I’m not saying you are the problem, I’m saying to focus on what you can control.

    2. Richard Hershberger*

      There is a delicate balance between advising someone to dump a relationship at the first bump in the road, and advising someone to endure endless abuse. Add to this the limited information the advisor has to work with. I can imagine vacillating between the two extremes, constantly overcompensating. This is why I am not an advice columnist.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        The one that really annoyed me was the LW who said he normally needed an hour or so to cool off after an argument, because he hates arguments, and needs time to process, but his wife hates it, she wants to discuss the things immediately, and the cooling off feels like the husband is walking away.
        The columnist (Danny Lavery), went off to the LW, how dare he to make his wife uncomfortable for an hour.

              1. RussianInTexas*

                The last couple years or so of his Dear Prudence tenure was very much a hate read. I like the new DP so much better.

              2. Lilo*

                Danny is much better in non-advice column writing. Sticking with satire or creative writing is a better choice for him.

              3. Cj*

                Yep, that’s Danny alright. Heaven help you if you were a landlord who expected your tenant to pay the rent.

        2. MissCoco*

          Yeah, Danny can get very obstinate in his opinions at times, and I feel he tends to read a lot into a letter.
          As a person who doesn’t like it when my partner disappears after an argument there are absolutely things both of us can do to reassure me but still give him space, and neither of us are terrible people for having slightly mismatched needs during an argument!

          1. Reba*

            Re: mismatched needs, I got a great insight into this dynamic not from partner but from my sister. I am very much an internal processor (like to think a lot before talking about whatever issue) and my sister is very much a think-by-talking-it-through processor. We know and accept this about each other! Recently she explained that when the other person is quietly processing, “I can tell the conversation is going on but I’m not part of it.”

        3. mreasy*

          That letter made it seem like the LW was doing it as a punishment though, not just to collect their thoughts – and that’s something else entirely. But you’re right, it’s never possible to entirely know as we only have one perspective, and some advice columnists do read a lot into things.

    3. fposte*

      Is that “you” the letter writer? Because then I see the opposite–I think generally advice columnists tend to anchor on the letter writer’s perspective. To the point where there are some forums where commenters will respond to any question about a problem with a spouse as if the partner were a serial killer and the poor innocent letter writer needs to flee from them immediately.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        Yes, this happens a lot too. Everything gets amplified to the 1000th degree. A person is either perfect or a near serial killer.

      2. Roja*

        Yep. Your partner said a single rude comment? Leave them immediately! Who cares if you’ve been married 20 years!

        I mean, if everyone divorced/left over things that small literally no one would be left partnered up. We all get on each other’s nerves at times, and I say that as someone who legit has a fantastic marriage. But neither of us is perfect and I’m sure if we aired our worst moments the internet would be convinced we should divorce too. I think a lot of internet commenters on advice forums are either very young or haven’t had a long-term healthy relationship or both.

    4. mreasy*

      In a lot of cases though the story is “my husband yelled at me, threw things, and punched a wall when I didn’t cook the steak to his liking” – often violent behavior means get out after one instance because it’s likely you’ll be next.

    5. Maya Elena*

      It’s very hard to give good advice that way, and on the Internet too, because you don’t have the context. You read something and assume the writer a reasonable person just like yourself, and if they’re exaggerating or lying they’re doing so linearly, not exponentially. Whereas in fact they might be, pardon my French, bat shit crazy, or the spouses are both shitty people in a shitty relationship, or it’s made up and distorted beyond recognition. And in those contexts you can’t really fix it.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Yes — you will always be missing crucial context and having to make assumptions and just proceeding on the facts as presented. Sometimes there will be one little detail that makes you realize the letter writer is coming at something from a weird angle (like someone who presents Weird Action X as “well, of course then I needed to do X” or someone who includes a really bizarre assumption without explanation — and it’s not that the bizarre assumption couldn’t be true, but reasonable people would recognize it was odd and would know they’d need to explain it more) and that little thing can tip you off that more is going on than the bare facts in the letter (and to me, those are some of the most interesting ones).

        But I also think a lot of advice letters are edited down very heavily, especially the ones that appear in print publications (since they have a word count to adhere to), and sometimes columnists will have more details than what makes it into the column, which can result in a “huh?” moment to a reader who hasn’t seen those other details. Obviously columnists should watch for that, but sometimes stuff gets edited after it’s out of your hands. (When I write for outside publications, I’ve had editors trim down a letter in a way where I need to say, “No, that detail needs to stay because it’s why I advise X in the answer.”) Which is not to say that’s always the explanation for an answer that feels slightly mismatched with the question, but I do think it happens.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          I will add — I try not to trim letters too much (beyond just cleaning them up to make them comprehensible and to adhere to the site’s style guide) but occasionally I do edit for length and it can be hard to know what will end up mattering if you trim it out. This week I had a really long letter that I wanted to use in a short-answer column and I edited out what I thought was extraneous detail (it was paragraphs and paragraphs about the ways in which LW #1 here had let employers take advantage of her in the past), but some of it actually ended up being relevant to the discussion in the comments. That was the first time in a long time that I can think of that that happened, but it can be hard to know.

        2. Ask a Manager* Post author

          I will add one more thing! If you look at advice columns where all the letters are a pretty uniform and short-ish length (Dear Prudence is an example of this, I think) … people writing to advice columns don’t write in perfect 2-paragraph letters like that, so I would guess those are getting edited down heavily. Which is totally fine — publications need to edit things. But I think it’s good to be aware that it’s a different thing in that regard than, say, AAM or Captain Awkward.

          (I have a lot of thoughts on this, obviously. We could do an insider-baseball advice column discussion one day.)

          2. Double A*

            I would love it if you did an AMA specifically about the mechanics of being an advice columnist, because I have questions!

    6. Malarkey01*

      I think the reality of life (and the opposite of what a lot of advice site commenters contend) is that people are imperfect and in families you’re around each at you’re best and worst and in your private time and in your home. So we see each other when we feel under the weather, or are emotional, or vulnerable, or just having a bad day. So while this can go to unhealthy places, in general an unkind word or argument or someone just being a jerk in a situation happens and isn’t the red flag to a relationship that so many people wave. It also doesn’t leave room for the fact that in a 30-40 year marriage there can be rough patches in the best and healthiest relationships that cause strain.

      Idk based on most advice columns (and commenters) it seems like everyone should be no contact with their parents/siblings/grandparents and no relationship should survive the first instance where your values of beliefs don’t align.

      1. I heart Paul Buchman*

        Yes!
        I have a lot of hesitations about sites that frequently advise no/low contact. I work in social services so see a lot of families with all the worst examples of behaviour. But, but!! These dodgy family members are also often the person’s sole contact and support structure. People in poverty, with poor mental health and unstable lives can’t just pick up and find a new social network. The casual assumption that people (especially vulnerable people) can just start fresh without their family network bothers me. It feels like it often comes from a place of privilege.

        I see posts where a woman with 3 under 5 are struggling and their partner doesn’t help and the commenters scream divorce. Those commenters don’t seem to understand the reality for that woman if she leaves may be homelessness. Having the luxury to leave a relationship with the income provider needs either savings or family support, which many people don’t have.
        Sorry, I think that went off topic. Obviously struck a nerve with me.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I have noticed that there are some really baaad advice columns out there. I think it’s a good idea to get familiar with who is doing right by people and who is just taking up space. I have stopped reading a lot of them because it’s a waste of time. Which is too bad because some folks could really use some quality advice…

      1. Tuesday*

        Yeah, I’ve stopped reading all but AAM because I feel like others enjoy taking down letter writers for the readers’ entertainment, often making a lot of assumptions in order to do so. When you imagine the real person behind the letter, it makes me kind of sick to have them get that kind of response when they reached out for help. And I know sometimes it’s not a real person, but I think most of the time it is.

        1. Richard Hershberger*

          Also, advice columnists who run past their best-used-by date. Miss Manners has not aged well.

          1. Pennyworth*

            The original Miss Manners was great, often very funny. Now many of the letters seem made up and the advice is dire. A friend sent in a made up one which would have been interesting to see answered, but it wasn’t.

          2. A Wall*

            Aww, I like Miss Manners. Some of her hard-held etiquette stances are a little stale (like that you’re not allowed to invite people to do things for your own birthday) but I appreciate her long-term dedication to telling people to mind their own business.

            It’s also the #1 best agony column to read if you enjoy letters where the worst person in the scenario is the one writing in, which is the best kind of agony column IMO

      2. marvin the paranoid android*

        I think it must be a very difficult balance to get right, and maybe not everyone realizes that when they get in the game. You have to make assumptions based on a pretty small amount of information and context, and I can see how you would want to be on the conservative side about any hints of abuse. Some letters point heavily toward an abusive situation, but some are more ambiguous, and I can see why the columnist would want to err on the side of not giving extra credibility to an abuser.

        At the same time, advice columns are entertainment, and you have to keep things pithy and actionable. No one would ever want to read a column that I would write, because it would just be a lot of dithering about how the situation could be interpreted in multiple ways.

    8. A Wall*

      Ehh. I say this not making any accusations directly at you, RussianInTexas, but what I have noticed is the trend is tipping away from the historical bend of “do everything you can to make him happy and stay with you and don’t ask for anything in return” towards a more reasonable place, and I think that’s a good thing.

      I remember reading a lot of agony columns and little op eds or stories about family life in the paper growing up and thinking I’d be DAMNED if I ever got married, the way it seems so god damn miserable for women. The prevailing winds at all time were that we aren’t allowed to expect everything, but we need to give as much as we can. Now that’s falling out of favor and more and more advice is telling people to critically examine if the relationship they’re writing in about is good for them or not. That’s a good thing.

      I’m an old married woman now but I always swore to god I was not going to accept any of the rampant disrespect and nonsense that people always tried to make out were “just little things” in a marriage. I can confidently say with hindsight that I was 100% right, and I’m glad more and more people (especially younger people) are expecting their intimate relationships to be free of that kind of nonsense as well. It is not, in fact, a basic part of life to have a partner who upsets you on a regular basis.

  30. Laura H.*

    Little Joys Thread

    What brought you joy this week.

    I have two

    1. I got a new ring to wear and model for my upcoming seasonal gig. It’s got a twisted rope motif on the band and an amethyst shaped like a heart.

    2. A church group is doing gordita plates as a fundraiser in lieu of the parish’s fall festival and my mouth is watering already!

    Please share your joys.

    1. Laura Petrie*

      I had my Covid booster yesterday and I’m really pleased that thanks to being a healthcare student I won’t have to wait until my age group is called.

      Had a lovely walk through local countryside with some patients. It was a beautiful day and as we were high up there were fab views of the city.

      I went to a fab gig earlier in the week. I’m so glad to be able to go to live music again.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I got mine on Tuesday. Wednesday was somewhat hellish, but feeling the ibuprofen kick in and falling asleep was a nice moment, like “ahhhh.”

    2. GermanGirl*

      My new pointe shoes are working out pretty well so far. I still have some tweaks to make, but pointe class went pretty well for being in a new pair of shoes.

    3. Teapot Translator*

      To continue my weird-things-make-me happy theme (last week was hole puncher): I figured out how to create an index in Word, so now I have a pretty index in my notes (for a class I’m taking).

    4. voluptuousfire*

      I discovered that the deli I like has Doordash and ordered a coffee and a bagel from them to be delivered. Yes, it cost $12 with the fees and tip, but it made me happy. I usually only get a bagel there if I either hit up the Trader Joes by them or go to my doc’s office, which is right across the street. Their bagels are so good and it was worth the $ to get it.

      I’m also going to attempt to declutter my living room since it’s a bit of a mess. I decluttered the dryer in the kitchen since I use it for counter space yesterday and that inspired me to do the living room. I cleaned off the lint and put all the clutter in a basket while I made my morning cup of tea. One thing I learned from How To ADHD (a YouTube channel I sometimes watch) is that if you put clutter in a basket, it appears organized and that is so the truth!

    5. WoodswomanWrites*

      It was wonderful to watch the wintering birds and figure out how to get good photos of them with a camera I bought last year, and then share them on my blog. It was my first post in forever.

    6. Clisby*

      I just had cataract surgery/lens implant in my right eye, and it turned out even better than I’d hoped. (This eye had gotten to the point where vision couldn’t be corrected to better than 20/60, and after the surgery it was 20/40 with no correction.)

      Crossing my fingers the other one goes as well.

    7. Liz H*

      I launched a “vampires” trip on Halloween as part of the small tour company my husband and I started (we launched in Feb 2020, what timing!), having no idea if people would actually sign up on our first day of registration, given that the trip is still far off. And 5 people did! And 1 more today!

      So I’m getting a lot of joy out of feeling like our little travel company just might be a success. (I have been so, so stressed out about it, given… * waves hand at entire world * )

    9. AGD*

      I discovered that someone had done the dishes when I hadn’t expected it (it was me, but I completely spaced out while doing it and forgot).

      I also have new slippers that are absurdly comfy.

    10. L. Ron Jeremy*

      Filed for my Social Security benifits.

      Son came by to replace the dead battery in my car. Great kid.

    11. Might Be Spam*

      My utility company publishes a cookie cookbook every year. Today my daughter and I picked up our cookbooks and some Thai takeout for lunch and discussed all things cookie.
      This is a huge deal in our area. They run a drive-through distribution at a baseball stadium with loads of people directing traffic and at least one side street blocked off by the police. Thousands of books were distributed this morning. They’ve been doing this for years and it’s run very smoothly.

    12. StellaBella*

      All of these make me so happy to read so that is one little joy. My other one is that yesterday I spent time arranging flowers into a pumpkin base. The base is hallowed out, then added one of those green water holding block thingies, then added a few roses, various orange and red autumn berry springs (like pyracantha), some green ivy, green hydrangeas, and some random flowers called chardons here (alpine thistle, Carduus defloratus), etc. It is on my front porch and looks so pretty!

    13. Paralegal Part Deux*

      I got to have lunch with my cousin, his family, and my sister. It was so nice to see everybody and visit. We had a great time.

      1. I take tea*

        I have also met up with some friends. Those things we once took for granted is now a real treat. So quickly the perspektive changes.

    14. small town*

      Just came back from my annual book club retreat. We skipped last year but now everyone is vaxxed and boostered and we did COVID tests just in case. Total of 12 women, club has been going for 22 years. Great food, conversation, much laughter, book conversation. Cabin in the Blue Ridge mountains. It was joyous.

    15. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Last month I finally found a mirror cabinet for the bathroom that will fit the space already cut into our wall. Today my husband hung it. There’s just enough space around it that he will be able to add a shaving lamp. I’ll be hanging artwork on the oversized screws the former owner used to hang an oversized mirror in front of the hole. How lovely!
      And I found brick clamps that work in a few places on my rough granite fireplace so art is happening!

    16. Daisychain*

      My dog running through a pile of leaves chasing her ball. Her joyfulness just makes me smile.

    17. Frankie Bergstein*

      The sun on my skin, glorious houseplants but thriving in the wild, conversations with new folks, cute doggies joyfully romping on the beach, my doggies snuggling each other and falling asleep in hilarious positions

  31. Admiral Thrawn Is Blue*

    I have an 08 Honda Fit Sport, 160k miles. I have had it since it had 80k. This is my fav car of all that I have had. I’m working on all its preventative maint. Yesterday I had the fan blower starter motor replaced. It was a close thing, the shop almost wasn’t able to find the right part in town. It never occurred to me that parts wouldn’t be available! Not talking the shortages, just simply not made anymore.

    So far this year I’ve had the blower motor, drive belt and starter motor replaced. Also some tires and oil changes. I have now replaced everything that I was aware was on its way out, and I hope that I’m done for a few months. My next project is to replace the alternator when my tax refund comes in.

    1. newbie*

      I’d hold off on the alternator unless it actually shows that it’s failing. That’s something they can easily test for at any Advanced Auto Parts. Alternators don’t generally crap out in one fell swoop, so you’re unlikely to be left stranded by it. Furthermore, the new alternator you put in your car is almost always a remanufactured one, if your car is a bit older. These remanned parts tend to have a bit of variation in quality (for the alternator, I recommend buying one with a lifetime warranty so if you get a dud, the only thing you’re out is the time to swap it out). If your mechanic recommended you replace an alternator without clear evidence that it’s on its way out, that’s a big red flag and I wouldn’t go back to them.

      1. Admiral Thrawn Is Blue*

        No, that was my own thinking to replace it. I just dread the idea of being stranded and wanted to do things before that. The other parts were definitely failing slowly, I could hear noises with all three.

        1. newbie*

          Your alternator is a small generator. It’s what charges the battery, then power is doled out to the various systems from that battery. Even if your alternator somehow morphed into a rock, you would still be able to drive for the amount of time your battery holds sufficient charge. Alternators don’t tend to fail in this manner, though. They usually die a slow death.
          Most of the time, your alternator will give some clues it’s failing such as odd computer codes, anti-theft systems behaving strangely, even the radio changing stations on its own – all electrical weirdness.
          If you suspect there could be an issue, or even just for your own peace of mind, go to Advance Auto Parts and ask them to test your charging system. It’s free, and (IIRC, we are in the same city), I’ve never had a bad experience in 20+ years of being a woman who works on her own cars when possible.

          1. fposte*

            Mine screamed. I’m not sure the actual mechanism, but it screeched under the hood of my ’03 Civic, first gently, and then so ferociously I took it in immediately. The repair shop said they’d never heard one make that noise before, but replacing it fixed things, so it wasn’t like it was a belt (which was my thought) and they missed it.

    2. Zucchini farmer*

      I’ve never heard of parts for such a recent car being unavailable. Is it possible the mechanic meant it was a close call on finding that motor literally in town rather than needing to have it mailed in from out of town? That would make sense to me, and wouldn’t concern me. A specific little motor is something I could see not being stocked at the local NAPA, but I’d be surprised if it would become unavailable in the entire country. If for some reason you are concerned about parts availability, I suppose you could buy parts to have on hand, but still I’d let the original part wear out its useful life before installing the replacement.

      PS I also have a Fit of that generation, ’07, and agree that it is a nice little car. I’ve gone so many times to warehouses to pick up large amounts of farm supplies, and the loading-dock guys give me the best looks when I pull around in my tiny hatchback. But the stuff always fits.

      1. Admiral Thrawn Is Blue*

        He meant in town, he would have to order it from elsewhere. I just had no idea it could even be a thing. For a very old car, sure but mine really isn’t that old. Also, as you know, the Fit has tremendous capacity for storage. I have always thought of it as a mini SUV.

      2. saf*

        I had an 07 Fit that had 112K miles. He got creamed by idiots chasing each other up the street. They declared him a total loss. I loved that car. I am so sad that they stopped making the Fit in 2020!

        I bought a 2018 fit with 25K miles. I hope he lasts as long and as well as the first fit.

    3. Chaordic One*

      Some time ago I read about a man who had a then 11 year-old Lincoln Mark VIII with 66,000 miles on it. The car’s “variable load control module” (sometimes referred to as a black box) quit. The part controls the cooling fan and the fuel pump through an eight-pin connector into the car’s wiring harness. When he tried to find a replace the part there were none to be had. The Ford Motor Company (which manufactures Lincoln automobiles) quit making the part, no aftermarket company makes it, there none left in stock from when they did make it. He might have been able to find the part in a salvage yard. Anyway, the poor man ended up buying a new Lexus.

    4. WellRed*

      Ugh. I’m worried that a repair I need to I’ll be held up by difficulty in getting a part. I miss when things were easy, at least relatively speaking. Fingers crossed you are set for awhile, Admiral.

      1. Admiral Thrawn Is Blue*

        Thanks! The shop told me that back in the day, there used to be a lot fewer parts that were shared across most cars. Now, there so many car-specific parts, it’s unreal. I’d rather it be the way it was.

  32. Seascape*

    I am looking for cotton casual clothes, and having trouble. Yoga pants are made with that plastic-y “wicking” material, and sweatshirts are mostly-poly blends that feel miserable against the skin. Are there brands or stores that you like where the clothing is fully/mostly cotton?

    1. fposte*

      Yeah, cotton’s more expensive to use, so brands are going more synthetic. Depending on what you mean by “casual,” you might try L. L. Bean. Fair Indigo has a smaller line up but is more focused on cotton.

    2. CJM*

      I love all-cotton clothes. Not sure where to find pants, but my favorite woven (not knit) summer tops are from Eddie Bauer. I’ve had some success with Talbots for long-sleeved blouses and popovers, but that place can be expensive.

      Sometimes I browse eBay for all-cotton, gently-used clothes. That’s hit or miss.

      1. CJM*

        I know you didn’t mention silk, but have you considered it too? If you prefer natural fibers that breathe and feel good against the skin, silk may be wonderful for you. Talbots and eBay sell silk too. It can be expensive, so I wait for sales. I absolutely love the feel and flowiness of 100% silk.

        Also, I forgot that I bought some all-cotton camp shirts from JCPenney in their end-of-summer clearance sale. Try there too!

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Likewise linen. In the last 5 years I’ve been seeing knit linen tops. Lighter than most cotton knits, so they don’t last quite as long, but my skin is never so clear as when I’m wearing linen all the time.

    3. Llama face!*

      My sympathies. I hate the poly/viscose materials that have become so popular lately since they both absorb/collect odours and make you sweat more- a terrible combo!

      I have no particular brands to recommend but that is why I buy t-shirts in the men’s department. Men’s clothing seems to have a much higher likelihood of still being 100% cotton (and thick sturdy cotton, not that see-through crap a lot of women’s clothing is made from). I’d expect your chances would be better in the men’s dept with sweatshirts too.

    4. Idyllic Gulag*

      For sweatshirts – hoodies, pullovers, zips, etc. – American Giant is a favorite of mine. 100% cotton, durable, men’s and women’s cuts. Expensive, but worth the cost if it’s in your budget.

    5. My Cat's Human*

      LLBean and Lands End both have all-cotton options in basic styles. (Some might call them boring, but I like simple clothes. :)

        1. the cat's ass*

          totally second Land’s End. Great quality, wide range of sizes, and awesome sales if you hit them right. Shipping is a little slow, and I’ve made my peace with that because the quality is so good!

    6. Mstr*

      I recently discovered “Life Is Good”. You can search their shop by fabric & select 100% cotton.

    7. Anona*

      I bought a sweatsuit from Target this summer that was 100% cotton- the brand name was Universal Thread. I’m thinking of buying another. I’m also considering getting an (expensive but beautiful) cotton robe from Print fresh. And I have some 100% cotton leggings from Old Navy- not all of their leggings are cotton, and even sometimes different colors will vary within a particular style (like the red ones will be a blend and the black ones 100%).

  33. Potatoes gonna potate*

    ISO wireless bluetooth headphones. I’d only be using them to exercise so my main concern is how they’d fit in my ears.

    I’ve used Bose soundsport earbuds and they used to be sufficient but now I feel them falling out of my ears or just not fitting properly at times (seriously…EVEN MY EAR SIZE HAS CHANGED?!?!!!!).

    I’ve also used apple airpods and while the sound quality and every other functionality was great, they literally could fall out of my ear at any second. They were only good for sitting at my desk at work.

    I am leaning towards the bigger, over the head, “traditional” looking headphones I see people using while exercising but I’m concerned about sweat…

    1. londonedit*

      Not what you asked about, but have you considered bone conducting headphones? I used to struggle with finding earbuds/headphones for exercise that didn’t fall out or get horribly sweaty, but I got some Aftershokz when I had to switch to solo running in lockdown and they’re amazing. They sit on the bone in front of your ears so no worries about fit, and they also allow you to hear your surroundings as well as whatever you’re listening to.

      1. It's Quarantime!*

        Seconded! I bought a very cheap ($20ish) one on Walmart dot com and I think I’ll never go back to normal ear buds. They sit ‘around’ the top and back of your ear and the ‘speaker’ sits flush with the side of your read just in from of your ear. ( kindof in front of that place where people with migraines get that daith piercing?) I’ll post a link to the test one I got. I did get it before covid masking was a thing, and I have noticed that bulkier masks makes it harder to fit All The Things behind my ears, but still. But fan of the bone conducting had phones. And when it’s time for a new one I’ll probably look into the better quality/ more expensive ones.

        1. It's Quarantime!*

          It says black Friday, but they were this price when I got them in January this year, so I’m thinking that’s a marketing gimmick. They have other ones that go on both ears and around the back of your head too, if if you prefer that.

          https://www.walmart.com/ip/Black-Friday-bone-conduction-wireless-headsets-Very-Light-Small-Ear-hook-Headphones-Microphone-Blue-tooth-Head-phones-Cell-Phones-Non-in-Ear-Bluetoot/122655089?athbdg=L1400

          https://www.walmart.com/search?q=bone%20conduction%20headphones&typeahead=bone%20conduction%20headphones&cat_id=3944

    2. Ranon*

      If they’re the in-ear kind you can also swap earpiece sizes, Comply is one brand that makes replacement earpieces in a variety of sizes

    3. mreasy*

      I recommend the earbuds that are connected by a cord to avoid fear of loss! Over the ears in my experience are very sweaty for exercise.

      1. mreasy*

        I mean, not regular corded earbuds but Bluetooth earbuds connected to each other by a cord that goes behind your head while using and you can drape around your neck (they generally are magnetized to stick together) otherwise.

    4. AustenFan*

      Have you tried PowerBeats? They have loops over the ears. They always stay in for me. I just double checked and they’re still available.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      I have AUKEY earbuds with a little loop that goes over your ear (like glasses) rather than covering your whole ear, and they’re great for exercise. Still small and in-ear like an earbud but they grip well enough that they won’t fall out

    6. Eden*

      If you like your, before fully buying a new pair, try replacing the rubber tip thingies. I haven’t used earbuds in years but I recall it would get softer as time went by and not hold in your ears as well.

    7. Double A*

      I love my Plantronics Backbeat Fit 3150 True Wireless Sport Earbuds, which are the Wirecutter recommend best Bluetooth earbuds for running. I really hate just earbuds, so I like something that has an over the ear element. They truly stay in when you’re exercising, but I wear them around the house a lot as well. I even use them for phone calls because they’re really comfortable and have surprisingly great sound for calls.

      The only thing I don’t love is their battery life isn’t amazing, but it’s certainly long enough for any workout you’re going to do other than maybe running a marathon. I like that they charge in the case even if the case isn’t plugged in.

      Overall I would say they’re one of the best purchases I’ve made of anything in the past couple of years. And they’re like $70 so not super expensive. I’d pay twice as much for them.

    8. Nessun*

      Thanks for asking, I’m making note of the answers for myself. I use corded earbuds at the gym and I’d really like to switch to wireless.

    9. fhqwhgads*

      I recently got a bluetooth headband and really enjoy not worrying about buds falling out of my ears. I do tend to use cans when I’m at home. I prefer them in general, but for exercise/moving around a lot listening, I love the headband.

    10. RagingADHD*

      I greatly prefer to work out with earbuds that have a hook over the ear. Mine jiggle out so much, no matter what size. At least the hook keeps them from falling out.

    11. Dwight Schrute*

      Going to third (?) the suggestion for bone conduction headphones. I borrowed a pair from a friend for a 5k and they’re AWESOME. I’ve been meaning to get a set since then

    12. comityoferrors*

      I really like the JLab Sport wireless earbuds – they’re Bluetooth, have a hook over the ears, and have a wire with volume/skip controls that just goes from earbud to earbud across the back of your neck. They also include several earbud sizes in the package so you can find a good fit, and I find them very comfortable which is unusual for me. I’ve used these for exercising (weights and running) for several years and have never had any issues with falling out of my ears or distracting me during my workout.

      I have the Fit Sport 3 Wireless which is available for $30 on their site. The battery lasts all day, charges quickly, and shows no sign of slowing down despite heavy use for 2+ years. JLab has other models that are generally in that price range and durability too. Highly recommend!

    13. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Thanks everyone, I’ll be looking in to the over the ear hook ones. I used to use the corded ones at first but “graduated” to the bose buds.

      side note: I’ve seen gymgoers on social media and IRL that wear the traditional ones (link to pic in next comment) and I don’t understand how the sweat doesn’t bother them. I’m sure htere’s an element of being waterproof but still…. (or maybe they’re one of the people who work out hard and don’t sweat idk)

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        https://www.qvc.com/qvc.product.E289962.html?colorId=172&sizeId=000&ref=GBA&cm_mmc=GOOGLESHOPPINGFEED-_-GShopping|M|Generic|electronics-_-Electronics-_-dc_44906290227_pla-522115373980__E289962-172-000&cm_mmca1=c&cm_mmca2=44906290227&cm_mmca3=pla-522115373980&cm_mmca4=E289962-172-000&cm_mmca5=pla&cm_mmca6=817258553&cm_mmca7=Acquisition&cm_mmca8=Acq&cm_mmca9=Cj0KCQjw8p2MBhCiARIsADDUFVHKlaa5J4Twx-GonsyCUDUuMgi3Vq3tF2oMR3Ui_pl9HGc-4HmVC9IaAiaREALw_wcB&cm_mmca12=Generic&cm_mmca13=Electronics&gclid=Cj0KCQjw8p2MBhCiARIsADDUFVHKlaa5J4Twx-GonsyCUDUuMgi3Vq3tF2oMR3Ui_pl9HGc-4HmVC9IaAiaREALw_wcB

  34. Batgirl*

    What’s your favorite household item? We moved into a new place after selling all our stuff and are totally starting from fresh. I’m trying to avoid buying allthethings and just get things which are actually great and useful.

    1. SoloKid*

      A paper towel dispenser that screws in under cabinets. Stays in place, don’t have to pick it up to clean. First thing we installed when we bought our house lol.

    2. Laura Petrie*

      A telescopic duster aka ‘the rat extractor’ due it its dual use encouraging a shy rat out of her hiding place when we first adopted her. Great for getting dust and cobwebs out of corners and cleaning under furniture

    4. cat socks*

      Our Breville toaster oven gets used on a daily basis. I think there is an oven/air fryer model now. I would upgrade, but our current one is still going strong.

    5. Ali G*

      Roomba
      Since our oven has been on the fritz, the toaster oven/air fryer.
      Sous vide stick. I need to use it more.
      Wool dryer balls instead of dryer sheets (I’m allergic to regular dryer sheets so now I can have non-static clothes too!)

    6. Anima*

      A good, intuitive to use water kettle. Ours can do different temperatures and has a timer, this thing is a godsend. It’s glass and metal also, not more plastic in this world.

      3. allathian*

        Oh yeah. The best Christmas present I’ve had as an adult was the electric kettle with adjustable temperature settings that we got from our MIL a few years ago, when we were still exchanging presents among adults. I like white and green tea, and getting the water temperature right is essential.

    7. HannahS*

      Depends on what you like! My favourite household item is my sewing machine. My husband’s is his espresso maker. Both were large-ish ticket items that we use a LOT that have, over the years, saved money and provided enjoyment. But if you have no interest in sewing and dislike espresso, they aren’t good recommendations!

      I think a good approach is to think about what you use every day, and spend more on those items. For me, that means I’m willing to spend more on kitchen knives and cookware, but I don’t bake much so I still use my dollar store bakeware. I use a whisk maybe four times a year; we cook at least seven times a week.

    8. Abaso*

      toaster oven
      chest freezer
      dishwasher
      if any of you have long hair that likes to hold on to shampoo/conditioner/everything: an adjustable shower sprayer so you can really rinse it without having to stand under the shower for 20 minutes…

    9. James*

      Deep freezer and shelves (we made a pantry out of them). My wife and I have both gone through periods where we didn’t have enough to eat, and having the knowledge that we can eat for a week–two, if we stretch it–out of what’s in the house takes a tremendous burden off our minds.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      The wet/dry vac.

      I never thought about them much. I picked up a small 5 gal one thinking it would be handy for projects once in a awhile. Well, I use it all the time to save beating the crap out of my good vac. I love that it picks up wet spills. For a little vac it did a great job on a rug after the toilet flooded the bathroom and went out into other areas. I would not have been able to handle that problem on my own if I did not have the vac and a dehumidifier.

    12. Nessun*

      Electric fireplace. Not necessary if you have one, of course, but the warmth is nice and the nook I created with my new wingback chair, ottoman, fireplace and bookshelf is my favorite winter space. Its cost and welcoming and makes me calm and secure. The fireplace is a focal point as well as a heat source, and if I don’t want the heat I can still have the fire flickering.

    13. I take tea*

      A small thing that I really like and always put in is a little extender thing for the kitchen faucet, that makes it possible to aim the water jet in different directions. You can also have a different kind of jet, but I don’t use that as much.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, I like the water saving tiny shower for rinsing the dishes that we can’t put in the dishwasher, and for cleaning fruit and vegetables.

    14. Angstrom*

      A good knife, and other basic kitchen tools. Don’t have to be expensive, but they have to work for you.

      They’re things you use every day. If every time you pick it up you think “This damn thing…..” that’s daily aggravation you don’t need.

    15. the cat's ass*

      My Dyson stick vacuum. It’s one of the ‘animal’ ones so supposedly it’s better for the massive amounts of floor crud 3 cats (two long hairs ) and three people generate. It’s lightweight (important as my home is a bunch of little redwood boxes thrown up a hill, connected by stairs, LOTS OF STAIRS), recharges fast and has 2 settings, maximum suck (which will inhale a throw rug) and regular (which is just fine for most jobs). My only complaint is that the waste container is the size of a can of veggies so you have to empty it frequently, but that’s a small quibble. Congrats on your new place!

    17. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Two spatulas — one sturdy to push around heavy food, and one light and bendy to flip eggs. (And whoever said above you know you’re an adult when you have a favorite spatula? Well I guess I’m an adult.)
      This goes with two skillets — one cast iron, and one steel. Add a 4quart steel pot with a tight-fitting lid and I can cook the basics of everything. (Bread in the cation pan for the win.)

    18. SarahKay*

      A Soda Stream (or equivalent other brand). I bought one about two years ago and I’m still delighted with it. Cost-wide it’s probably about the same as buying sparkling water, since I didn’t usually buy ‘premium’ brand names, but it means I can have sparkling water whenever I want without generating plastic bottles.

      And as a side bonus I found a brand of ‘Iron Brew Tonic’ flavoured syrup not actually made by Irn Bru, and thus with sugar rather than aspartame, so I have an option when I’m really craving Irn Bru. (Sadly aspartame and I don’t get on; alas for the long-ago days when saccharine was the artificial sweetener of choice, or the slightly more recent days when the sugar tax hadn’t been introduced!)

  35. Wants to argue well*

    Question for how to people in tense situations. How do you deal with apologies with someone when both of you have messed up and were kind of jerks? I’m not talking huge stuff here, but something like, say, you’re both having a bad day and snap at each other. I’m fine with apologizing when it’s 100% my fault, and if it’s 100% the other person’s fault, telling them they hurt me and letting them apologize and then moving on. But I’ve had enough situations where we were both at fault and I would try to apologize, which was well and good, but if I tried to say, “And you were also a jerk” (in a more tactful way) I got accused of trying to push the blame off onto them, and it didn’t go well. Also, I was raised with the understanding that if you’re a jerk to someone (someone close to you, in particular), what you do if you hurt them is explain it so that they get why it happened, and they explain why they did what they did, and then you both understand how to move on better from there. I’ve been accused multiple times of trying to make excuses for myself, when that wasn’t my intent at all, but obviously this didn’t translate well to the other person. So the only solution I’ve found is to apologize and then we move on, but then I never get to address my issue with the other person (and while it’s good to be able to take ownership for my own mistakes, it’s also a pain not to be able to address the fact that the other person hurt me).

    I hope that all makes sense! We’ve had some really bad news in my home recently (I won’t go into it since it’s not the point of the thread, but the next several months are going to be super awful), and so once we get over the initial shock I’m pretty sure we’re going to be snipping at each other and quibbling since we’re all so tense. I want to do my best not to bicker with people but realistically I know it will happen, and so I want to figure out how to patch things up once we do.

    1. fposte*

      I’m sorry you’re going through a stressful time. I feel like an apology has to be decoupled from any statement about the other person’s behavior, otherwise you lose the point of the apology. But that’s a different thing from a conversation about what just happened in an argument, and there’s no law that says you have to lead with an apology. Would your person be receptive to “Hey, can we talk about what happened this morning about the dishes? I feel like we both lost it. I promise to try to be less fussy about dishes in the sink–would you be willing to promise that they won’t be left more than 6 hours?” Another possibility is to ask the person this meta-question when things are going well and see what they say about resolution possibilities.

    2. Not A Manager*

      This sounds like it has a long backstory. Learning how to fight fair and make up in a healthy way is super important. I’m not sure that a systemically stressful situation is the best environment to do that. What I would do in your situation is talk to my partner about this now, before things get more stressful and not when you’re actually in the middle of a fight. See if you can come to some understanding of your different communication styles, why you start to misunderstand each other, and what you can do when that happens.

      But to be honest, I’m not sanguine. My guess is that your partner isn’t great in general about talking about emotions and tolerating uncomfortable ones. People can absolutely learn these skills, but it takes time and it usually takes a reasonably safe environment, which you might not have right now. So if I were you, I would concentrate on my own behaviors and responses to little quarrels in the next few months, and think less about my partner’s response or what our systemic issues are.

      You, personally, can disengage. You can apologize if you want to, without taking full responsibility. “We’re both on edge right now. I apologize for my part in this quarrel.” If your partner thinks you’re passing the buck, okay, let them think that. You can postpone any discussion. “We’re both on edge right now. I’m going to another room to do a different task. When you’re feeling better we can talk about this if you want to.”

      You can also uncouple your apology from your hurt feelings. This is a fine distinction, but there’s a difference between saying “I apologize BUT you also hurt my feelings,” and saying “I apologize AND you also hurt my feelings.” You can be clear that you are sorry for what you did, *and* that you are angry about what they did. Your partner doesn’t have to agree with you in order for you to express that.

    3. SoloKid*

      My SO and I tend to go silent treatment for about an hour, then acknowledge a snap with “I was grumpy/hangry” then make up and let it go.

      When I expect my “sorry, I was grumpy” apology to clear anything I said, I also give that grace to my SO. That IS addressing the issue if it truly is only “snapping due to a bad day”, and I would hate it if my SO ended up saying “and you were also a jerk” after all that.

      If the bickering is a near daily thing, then I think that goes beyond “bad day where you snap at each other” and I wouldn’t accept a near daily apology of “sorry, I didn’t mean it”. Little barbs DO add up and at that point it’s time for better conflict resolution.

    4. CJM*

      When I snap at my husband, it’s usually because I think he did something inconsiderate. It hardly ever happens after 40 years of marriage. I usually apologize with something like “I’m sorry I snapped at you. I was upset that you [did that inconsiderate thing]. Please don’t [do that inconsiderate thing] again.” If he’s in a good mood, that’ll resolve it. If he isn’t, we verbally tussle for a while until we both feel heard and understood. Neither of us likes going silent, although sometimes I do rather than say what I really want to say that’s mean. It’s imperfect, but it works for us, and it works far better than the bigger fights we had early in our marriage.

    6. HannahS*

      I think it might be helpful to have a bigger picture conversation at a time when you’re both calm. Like a “Hey, we’re headed into some rough months and I know that sometimes we’ll get grumpy and be short with each other. Can we talk about what happens when we upset each other?” And then go from there.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. This can go into rules of fair fighting- and there are rules such as staying on topic and not dragging in 6 other issues.

        I work with someone now, who (fortunately) focuses on what they could have done differently. This opens the door for me to offer up something that I could have done differently. We learn and we move on. This is easier to do with people who we have a short or limited History with.

        The need to explain and the need to hear the other one apologize can make these things rougher. You don’t say what the point of tension is but perhaps the actually real help for this problem is to bring help in to the main problem that is driving the tension. I do know first hand that bringing in outsiders to a larger problem can be super hard. What do we need? How do we find it? Is the problem too complex for anyone to help us but us, does this person have to IN the situation in order to understand the situation?
        With major life events it usually takes a team of pros to help people through that life event- this could be lawyers, docs, accountants or many other situation appropriate people.

        Bottomline it might be that you as a couple have to have a heart-to-heart where you both agree that you will not allow this tension to kill your relationship. You decide instead that you both will find ways to help yourselves as a couple.

    7. Wants to argue well*

      Thank you everyone for your responses! I think it might help to have a bit more in the way of specifics here. Currently my household is 3 people: myself, partner, and a good friend who lives w/ us. One of the other 2 recently had a medical issue, let’s say a bad accident, and the doctors say that there will be a few months of regular surgeries, PT, and other recovery issues that will be super intense for a bit and then gradually get better. So I and one other person outside our household will be the primary caretakers for the injured person, and we are still figuring all of this out. So there are multiple people involved, all going through great stress, and while so far we’ve managed the circling of the wagons, I have the experience to know that once the shock finishes wearing off and we start staring in the face of our current new reality, it will involve wanting to snap at each other, etc. (And let’s not forget that everyone is still emotionally tired from the ongoing pandemic….) So some of this involves my partner, but some of it also involves others, including at least one person outside the household. And there’s a lot of uncertainty right now; think, “If surgery A goes well then you can skip B and go straight to C, but if it doesn’t go well then you’ll need B & D at the same time, followed by repeating A….”

      1. Wants to argue well*

        Forgot to mention that the person outside the household is also a good friend, not, say, a hired caretaker or something. So also involved in the emotional side of things.

      2. Batgirl*

        Wherever possible, “address the issue” in the moment, rather than snapping back. So for example, instead of being grumpy or having a go, respond with calm firmness early before getting annoyed, like: “That’s bothering me/please don’t use that tone of voice/you need to stop that thanks” and exit stage left if they need time to absorb it. Of course there will still be times it’s mutual and you’ll want to apologize too. In that situation I’d raise it first: “I really need you to hear me on why x bothered me” and after you’ve been heard, say “I’m sorry too”. Also, I’d consider whether if you even need an apology or if you just want them to not do it again. Sometimes a person’s actions are the best response to a complaint and sometimes you just need the apology.

      3. Malarkey01*

        My advise that would work for me but may not be universal is to ease up on the need to explain why it happened and how to move forward (definitely not applicable for deeper issues or something that gets excessive) and accept that when everyone is under a lot of strain our patience wears a lot thinner and if it’s coupled with exhaustion we sometimes need to have more grace and understanding/forgiveness and let smaller things slide a bit. Everyone knows the cause (you’re dealing with a medical issue and are going to be overstretched) and sometimes discuss ping seems more like continuing to chastise someone for a minor issue.

        This was huge when we had a baby in the house and my brain was literally not functioning on all cylinders and I was hormonal and my husband was working overtime and not sleeping. If one of us snapped at the other, we’d say jeez sorry and try to not do it anymore and the other would accept the apology and usually say something supportive like I know you are trying your best or I understand baby is being so hard today or hey take a minute. It worked for us because we were both susceptible to snap and both had the understanding that it wasn’t personal and were in survival mode. I wouldn’t suggest this if one person is always bearing the other’s bad mood or if it was more serious than minor disagreements or snapping.

        1. fposte*

          The writer Judith Viorst said that she and her husband evolved a great phrase that worked for them: “I won’t be mad if you won’t.” I suspect it was especially useful for those times when you’re not hashing out something of real consequence, you’re just tired and irritable and you want to be friends again.

        2. Texan In Exile*

          “the need to explain why it happened”

          OMG this. My husband wants to do a root cause analysis on EVERYTHING and my attitude is unless the house was in danger of burning down, let’s apologize and move on.

    8. RagingADHD*

      Yall need to work with a couples counselor, because that is a big mismatch in relationship expectations & communication, and you can’t fix it one-sidedly by just finding new ways to accommodate the other person.

      Being “accused” of anything as a way to shut you down is super-duper unhealthy. And a worldview where every situation is 100% one person’s fault is extra-special unrealistic.

      1. fposte*

        Eh–it sounds like Wants is coupling an apology with a “you did thing,” and the other person is saying that feels more like blaming than apology. I think a counselor is always a fine thing to consider, but I don’t think the response is necessarily shutting anybody down here, just saying that’s more a stirring up than a closing down to them.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Well, OP said they felt like they never got the opportunity to address real issues in the other person’s behavior. So somethinh is wrong where both people aren’t feeling equally heard.

          That’s why they nred to work with someone IRL who can see what’s actually happening instead of getting hot takes about their singular point of view from a bunch of strangers.

  36. Dark Macadamia*

    A couple weeks ago someone asked about thoughtful/practical gifts, so I thought it would be fun to do a “least appreciated” gifts thread: what funny, weird, or baffling gifts have you received and kind of wished you didn’t?

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      Most… confusing? for me: someone gave me a gift card to a blacksmith shop on Etsy. It was a cool business but not something I’d ever shown interest in, and the gifter had never mentioned liking the shop herself or seeing an item she thought I’d like. I’m pretty sure she didn’t know the owner or anything either. The products were mostly $5 plain iron hooks or $200+ custom art pieces and the fairly expensive shipping was not covered by the card, so I ended up not even using it. I still really want to know why she got it for me but hopefully she never asks what I ended up buying!

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I am amused because right now I actually am looking for wrought iron hooks to hang plants.

    3. CJM*

      Friends of my in-laws gave us a wedding gift we found weird and ugly: a heavy, ten-inch-high statue of a kid with a dog. We didn’t have a kid or a dog or a clue, but we did have a door, so we used it as a door stop! We still occasionally laugh about it and wonder what possessed someone to give it to us (regifting maybe?). I bet it’s buried in a mountain of junk in our basement and will pop out and scare us one day.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I love this! At least it was small. My most random wedding gift was a huge, heavy antique mirror with I think an eagle carved out of the wood frame. We were moving halfway across the country in our two small cars shortly after the wedding so it stayed in my parents’ garage!

        1. CJM*

          Yikes! Home decor is so personal. Unless I found it on a registry, I wouldn’t buy a mirror as a gift. And yours sounds especially unlikely to be on anyone’s wish list.

          1. Dark Macadamia*

            My uncle loves antiques, lol. He also gave his grandkid an antique toy boat once (like it was made to play with… 100 years ago, and looked like it would fall apart if you touched it) and was surprised that the kid was more excited about Legos

      2. RussianInTexas*

        We got a small statue of dog that holds welcome sign in it’s mouth. We have three cats and not at all a dog house.
        It lives by the fireplace.

        1. CJM*

          We’re cat people too! It sounds like your dog statue and ours belong together (if I could find it).

    4. Person from the Resume*

      This goes back almost 40 years, but when I was a kid (10-ish) I got a Barbie doll as a birthday present.

      I don’t know what my friend or friend’s parent was thinking. I’m not a girly girly. I’m a tomboy. I liked books and science and robots, not dolls. I’ve never played with dolls. Also this was a friend since kindergarten so I was not a unknown to them. IDK maybe “every girl loves a doll” lazy present purchase. I put it away in a drawer and never even opened the package.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        My aunt did this kind of thing a lot! She once gave me one of those fuzzy pink children’s diaries with a padlock when I was a not-very-girly high schooler. I think she just had no idea how to gauge if a gift fit someone’s age and personality so she grabbed the first thing that looked like SOMEONE would like it, even if the recipient wouldn’t.

      2. Also an academic*

        I had a grandfather who would give me Barbies and other girly girl items, when I just so rarely played with them. It was definitely out of love (and we connected in other ways, like writing letters), he just was a little estranged following his divorce from my grandmother and lived far away and had no idea what we would want.

      3. JustForThis*

        A vintage barbie doll in its unopened original package would get you quite a bit of money now — though I guess the gift wasn’t meant as a 40-year investment…

    6. Not A Manager*

      One relative used to give our children GIANT LOUD gifts when we lived in a city apartment. They were not appreciated (by us, anyway).

      The hands-down weirdest and creepiest gift we ever got was a tiny mariachi band made out of taxidermy frogs.

      3. Sleepless*

        My FIL used to deliberately give his grandchildren the loudest gifts he could possibly find, and went on and on about how funny this was. The loud gifts were just moderately annoying; the real irritation was that a grown man got *so much* amusement out of it.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      A relative likes to get a bunch of the same thing and pass it out to everyone. One year, it was hot stone massage kits. No one had any need or asked for this, although it was amusing when people kept opening the same gift.

      It’s impossible to use on your own, so it felt like a slight to me since everyone else who got one is partnered. I never opened it and I can’t remember if I kept it or chucked it when I moved. I’ve tried to get my family to stop with the grown-ups giving/getting gifts since most of them are not well thought out (think stuff like an ice scraper, ffs), but they won’t do it and I really dread Christmas now.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I have a relative who did that but at least it would be practical things like gloves or small tool sets, where you may not need it but it doesn’t hurt to have a spare in your car or whatever. It was always funny though after one or two people opened their gifts it would be like “GEE I wonder what THIS will be!”

        1. Elizabeth West*

          LOL, that’s exactly how the stone thing went!

          I’d just as soon skip it, honestly. I can’t reciprocate. I can’t even make anything, and it’s just all kinds of awkward.

      2. Person from the Resume*

        My family is at that point now. We’ve moved from (1) adults all buy other adults presents (2) adults pull one name (3) adults don’t exchange gifts.

        I was sad about 15-20 years ago when money was tight and adults didn’t exchange b/c I was single and disappointed about no gifts that year. I was the only one not couples.

        But now I’m relieved not to have to try to find what my family members put on their Christmas lists. For the first time this year I’m going to buy some “gifts” for me (soon) and save them to open the boxes until Christmas. (Not wrapping them.) Things I need and would get anyway and a few oddball things I saw on FB. Saving them up to declare them my Christmas presents.

        And “the kids” now 18 (about to go to college) and 16 are getting cash. They’re impossible to shop for now and they appreciate cash. The modern technological world makes it hard b/c for years they’ve wanted online games or media and they need to download it to their accounts.

    8. GermanGirl*

      My best friend gave me a potted plant for my baby’s birth.
      We were kind of new friends at the time and she didn’t have kids yet, so it was an easy mistake to make.

      But I’m not a plant person at all and when you’re in the middle of figuring out how to take care of a new human, a potted plant is just about the last thing that you need added to that chaos.

      But somehow the plant survived – mostly thanks to my husband – and it opened a blossom today, so I guess all is well that ends well :)

    9. Macaroni Penguin*

      A youth archery set for Christmas from my parents.
      It was most perplexing, since I’d never given ANY indication that I was interested in archery. And this was long before The Hunger Games was published. My poor confused teenage brain managed a polite Thank You.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        This really sounds like something I would do to my kids, lol. “What’s something cool and unexpected that they don’t already have?”

      2. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        Ooh, my sister and I got one of those. We hadn’t asked for it, but we had a lot of fun with it for a few years.

      3. marvin the paranoid android*

        Now I’m picturing your parents giving you a series of gifts to build up your medieval adventuring skills for every occasion. Just a non-stop parade of maces, broadswords, blacksmith equipment, horseback riding lessons, hedge-witch training, etcetera. I’d be concerned there might be a time machine hidden in the crawlspace.

    10. Generic Name*

      My ex husband once (when we were still married) gave our 4-year-old a harmonica as a stocking stuffer for Christmas. I mean, kids love that kind of toy, but it can also be very annoying for the adults around them. I didn’t say anything at the time, but I definitely was thinking, “WTF, do you really want to hear our preschooler incessantly play this thing?”

    11. RussianInTexas*

      Not really weird, but unappreciated.
      Step daughter’s grandma hosts the Christmas dinner annually, with the gifts exchange afterwards. She insists on stockings, and fills them with super cheap crap from Dollar store. So much plastic crap!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        This reminds me of the first Christmas I spent with my ex’s family. I was just along for the ride and didn’t expect anything, but they gave me some simple gifts, like a matching hotpad/towel set (that I still have), glass candle holders, and a couple of other little things. I was kinda touched that they didn’t want me to feel left out, so I did the dishes after dinner since his sister cooked the entire meal.

        1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

          My sister’s (now ex) in-laws would always include me in holiday celebrations, and her M-I-L would give me nice token gifts at Christmas. I remember she got me an inexpensive perfume one year that I was completely addicted to for several years. It felt so nice to be that completely included.

      2. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        Are you in my husband’s family? His mother called me once to say she’d gotten me some towels, and they turned out to be an old Terry cloth bathrobe from a thrift store that she’d cut in vaguely towel-shaped strips, and we’re fraying on all edges.

    13. Daffodilly*

      Someone gave my toddler an “outfit” but my kid was a size 2T and the pants were size 3-6 months and the top was 5T? They did otherwise sort of match, but….. couldn’t be worn together?

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        Haha, my kids were just given some clothes 3 sizes too big – younger kid’s stuff was a size too big for older kid, and older kid’s stuff was even bigger! I’ll buy one or two sizes up for something like a winter coat that will last a couple years, but they really don’t need t-shirts that hang to their knees lol

        1. allathian*

          Too big is better than too small, though. Even if they can’t wear it now, they can wear it a couple years from now. Just put them in storage somewhere that you won’t forget about.

          1. Dark Macadamia*

            Oh believe me, this is a regular occurrence and I literally have a “too big” box that I go through periodically. But the kids are old enough now that they’ll be disappointed if they have to wait 2-3 years to use a gift so if I know where it’s from I try to exchange for something they can enjoy now :)

    14. WoodswomanWrites*

      When I was a kid, my great aunt would gift me and my siblings whatever she found that was on sale, and they nearly always had something wrong with them. I remember getting a raincoat that had slashes in it, like someone had taken a knife to it in a few spots. A shirt with ragged unhemmed edges. My mother told a story of getting underwear in multiple sizes that were all meant for her. Those are just the ones we remember.

      She was an independent, unmarried woman during a time when that was just not done. She was funny and generous and we adored her. We still joke about her weird gifts.

    15. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      A set of four placemats. Which I did really like but I had a family of 5 at the time. My youngest was still in a high chair so we did use them for a short time.

    17. Wicked Witch of the West*

      I neither gave nor received this gift. I merely witnessed the chaos. When my brother’s two older sons (now 41 and 40) were about 4 and 3 they were gifted a toy police car and a toy ambulance. They took batteries and had flashing lights and shrieking sirens. Who, you may ask, would give such an anti-social holiday gift? It was our parents. Brother solved the problem by having the toys live on top of the fridge. And at the first opportunity he made sure the toys went to live at grandma and grampa’s house.

      1. Double A*

        One Christmas some grandparents gave us this animatronic dog dressed in a Santa hat and tutu that waggled in what I can only describe as a vaguely sexual way while playing a version of “Santa Baby” rewritten to be about bones and being a very good dog.

        The batteries fell out quickly.

    18. Ice Bear*

      I’d say the least appreciated gift I received was a very small Christmas-themed throw pillow. I didn’t care for the design and it was too small to actually use as a pillow, so I donated it.

      Based on some of the responses here it sounds like there is either some regifting happening, or people are buying others things they themselves might like instead of thinking of the recipient’s interests.

    19. Elle Woods*

      One year for Christmas, my aunt got me a page-a-day calendar of bible verses. (I’m not religious and she knows this.) I mentioned it to a co-worker of mine who said she’d love a calendar like that so I passed it along to her.

    20. Just Lurking*

      My ex-boyfriend’s mom gave me a vegetarian cookbook one year for Christmas. I am a vegetarian, but I don’t cook and am in fact quite vocal to friends and family about how much I love eating but hate cooking. Also,the cookbook was clearly a couple decades old (yellowed pages, etc.). When I unwrapped the package mom-in-law excitedly told me how’d she’d owned the book for years but never used it, so she decided to give it to me.

      I have now owned the book for years myself and never used it :)

    21. fhqwhgads*

      Gift card to steakhouse. Have been vegetarian since 11 years old. No, it wasn’t for one where they had anything besides sides that I could eat.

    22. EvilQueenRegina*

      Seventeen year old me was a little taken aback by a Christmas present of a knitted robin on a log glued to some tatty cotton wool and cardboard with a piece of plastic holly stuck to it. The robin fell off the cardboard within two minutes of being opened and my drunk uncle spent half of Christmas Day using it as a football.

      1. Scarlet Magnolias*

        My sister gave my kids an ant farm, it lived and died (rapidly) outdoors. I retaliated by giving my 4 year old niece a perfume kit. My sister’s house smelled like ylang-ylang for months. I know, I’m a b___ch

    23. Goose*

      A necklace that holds my glasses. A coworker got it for my birthday (?) and said he didn’t know what else to get me because I didn’t wear jewelry (??). It’s still in the box in my desk. He has since left the organization.

    24. Cyanotype*

      A facial hair removal device. Thanks, Dad! My brother’s girlfriend got one, too, which is even worse.

    25. RagingADHD*

      We got some real head-scratchers as wedding gifts. We lived in a tiny apartment at the time, and one relative gave us a thick, heavy ornate pewter dish that was about two and a half feet long with a serving area a couple inches wide and a large, intricately decorated rim. They said it was an olive tray. So nearly 3 feet of olives carefully lined up in single file, I guess?

      I don’t know what sort of entertaining they thought we were doing, but we barely had a table big enough to set it on.

      Another was some sort of metal sculpture of painted, twisted wrought iron that vaguely looked like abstract vines and leaves It was about 5 ft long and 2 ft high, in 1980s Miami style pink and green. It was from the child of my parent’s friends, who I hadn’t seen or spoken to in nearly 30 years, and who weren’t invited. I suppose it was an obligation gift because my folks had given them a nice gift at their wedding.

      Discreet inquiries through my parents revealed that it was a patio plant stand. And supposedly it was a very expensive piece by a local artist, but it was godawful ugly. It also weighed a ton, so we left it at my parents’ until they sold the house, and then gave it to the charity shop.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        Olive tray sounds like something akin to blinker fluid, that you would tell someone they need to make them feel bad they’re not as fancy as you – I can’t believe it’s an actual thing!

    26. Chuck*

      The most bewildering was for my 20th birthday my aunt gave me a literal sack of owl based presents. Owl lanterns, owl snow globe, owl back pack, owl lamps. I had never mentioned liking owls. Her reason was that I was studying psychology? I think she just buys stuff without intention and then “gifts” it to someone random. Christmas last year she gave me a baseball cap which was totally fine and appropriate whilst my brother got given a hand towel.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        This sounds like several of my relatives, lol. They’ll fixate on something they think you like and go overboard with it!

    27. Dwight Schrute*

      Not mine but a friend of mine got toothpaste and a pair of socks as a wedding gift. They had a registry so not sure why someone thought those would be the best options, and they had a range of prices on the registry so even if you only wanted to spend $5 you could’ve gotten something from the list

    28. Texan In Exile*

      The cheap, pressed-board nesting tables (three of them) painted with hummingbirds and hibiscus that my husband’s mother gave to us after spending nine days in our house and not seeing anything like that anywhere in the house.

      Her takeaway was not, “This is clearly not something that fits with what appears to be their design esthetic” but “Their house is missing cheap, tacky, ugly furniture! I can solve this problem!”

      1. Texan In Exile*

        She followed that with a potted Meyer lemon tree which wanted temps above 80 degrees and 8 hours of sunshine a day, neither of which we have in Milwaukee.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I’ve had to stop giving my dad books because I’m so afraid this will happen. I should’ve started a list the first time I gave him one!

    30. Bad gifts*

      My dad’s aunt was a terrible gift giver (and knew it). So he told her to just buy him the most bizarre things she could find while traveling, because he was going to get crap regardless and might as well get funny crap. That is how we ended up with things like a cow bell that was shaped like a cow’s head and placemats with pictures of starving children on them (I guess to guilt you into finishing your meal?). The cowbell hung around for most of my childhood; the placemats did not.

    31. Sleepless*

      We got a very old-fashioned looking china cake stand with a matching china cake server as a wedding gift, from a couple who had only been married a few months themselves. It didn’t seem remotely like anything they would pick out, and eventually it hit me that it had probably been a regift of one of *their* wedding gifts. Uh…thanks guys.

      The other worst wedding gift we got was an engraved picture frame with my name misspelled. Granted, my name has an alternative spelling (but not a rare one either, think Catherine instead of Katherine), but our names were sitting right there on the wedding invitation for the person to confirm. I felt really bad, because it was a very good quality frame that somebody had spent a decent amount on and taken the time to get it engraved…but it was useless. To us or to anybody else.

      1. fposte*

        You could search online registries, etc. for a couple with the names on the frame and send them an unexpected gift. Now I think there should be an online forum for exchanging such misnamed things.

        1. Sleepless*

          Unfortunately, this happened in the early 90s. In this day and age that would be an excellent idea!

      2. SarahKay*

        When my step-dad married my mum his brother worked at a pottery and made them a plate to commemorate their marriage. My step-dad’s name was mis-spelt!
        It’s not an unusual name, and has no alternative spellings….he and his brother get on, so we can only assume it was a particularly unfortunate brain-fart.

    32. Tea and Sympathy*

      A friend once got a bag from client’s vacation trip. She told me that she was a bit disappointed – it was plastic and not even attractive, so she just threw it away. She didn’t even think it was worth regifting. Later she noticed women carrying the the same design, and realized it was a Louis Vuitton designer bag. Obviously she was not the least bit into fashion.

    33. funny gift?!*

      Ooh one time I travelled to another continent and was gifted not one, but two gigantic snow globes that had some electric parts that made them spin. They might still be at the gifter’s house since they did NOT fit in my suitcase.

    34. small town*

      My husband is from Louisiana but had not lived there for many years. We got an 18″ tall porcelain Lousiana brown pelican. The state bird. Go figure. At least it was not the fifth crystal bowl

    35. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Art candles. My husband won’t let me burn them because he says they’re designed to be sculpture. And dust sticks to them.

  37. Person from the Resume*

    I just bought a new pair of jeans and I’m very happy about them.

    They’re Lee brand (so 80s, LOL), but I bought a woman’s size thus they’re not skin tight from waist through knees! They fit in the waist and are loose enough to be comfortable everywhere else.

    Is women’s size the secret or was I just shopping differently? I went looking because I was just tired of squeezing into jeans and wanted something looser. Also planning a trip further north and those skin tight, thin, lots of spandex jeans just don’t seem like they’d be warm if it’s cold and especially windy. Also I might be able to fit some long underwear underneath these and I wouldn’t under my other ones.

    1. Let me be dark and twisty*

      (I’m not sure why you mentioned “woman’s size” –as opposed to what? what kind of clothes were you wearing before?– so I’m a little confused on the context of your question so I don’t really know how to answer this question. But I am going to try and hope I don’t offend you if I’ve made the wrong assumption!)

      I think you probably picked up a different fit or cut in the Lee denim than what you may be used to before. If your jeans were skin-tight and from thin spandex-y fabric, you were probably shopping a more trendier store where that type of fitted pant is standard. Lee still makes the fitted styles where the pant is more fitted in the thigh but most of their denim is still pretty traditional that you can find a “straight” or “relaxed” fit more easily than a trendier slim or skinny fit.

      It could also just be a sign of the times too. A lot of the current fashion trends are from the 80s/90s where everything had a more relaxed fit. I think you’re just seeing the pendulum shift from “skinny athleisure” of the 2010s back to the looser fits of the 90s in a way you haven’t seen before.

      1. fposte*

        “Women’s” is US fashion-speak for the line aimed at larger women; there is some overlap with “misses,” as the straight sizes were historically called, so I was assuming Person bought a 14W jean instead of a 14 or something similar.

        1. londonedit*

          Thank you – I’d never managed to work out what ‘misses’ meant! I assumed children’s clothes for girls! We don’t have any sort of distinction like that – it’s just children’s clothes, women’s clothes and plus size.

        2. Generic Name*

          I was so excited to read this, because I’ve been craving more comfortable jeans. Does anyone else remember when jeans were comfortable?? But I’m a size 10-ish, which I don’t think are available in women’s cut/size. Alas

    2. PollyQ*

      Women’s size is not the core issue — you can get skinny/spandex jeans in those sizes. It may be that women’s sizes fit you better, and it’s also probably the way Lee jeans are cut in general.

      1. Wandering*

        Flannel lined jeans are fab!

        I’m not a fan of fleece lined, because if you treat the jeans like denim the fleece doesn’t hold up well & gets scratchy, & if you treat them like fleece they take ages to dry. Flannel lined don’t have either issue.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      Lee jeans are the only jeans I’ve found that truly fit me, other than the very expensive Long Tall Sally ones I bought in London (that I’m too fat for right now). They used to have a lower-price option at Walmart called Riders, but they’ve discontinued them. :(

      1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        I bought two pairs of Walmart pull-on jeans a few years ago. I’ve lost a few pounds, so I’d really like them one size smaller, but wouldn’t you know, they no longer carry them. I detest Walmart, but if they still had these, I’d go back and buy them in every size to accommodate all my weight fluctuations for the rest of my life. They’re kind of knit, indistinguishable from regular denim but with lots of stretch, a thick enough fabric so great for fall/winter (and no cling), SOFT against the skin, and loaded with deep pockets. I need more! Every piece of clothing, cosmetics, and perfume I’ve loved gets discontinued once I purchase it.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Well, I’m finding them online, so maybe it WAS just supply chain. But the price went up.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Noooo… I’m overdue replace a couple pairs, and I thought I just had to wait for the next shipment to come in. Like they were on the Evergreen or something. Boo hiss!

    5. Squidhead*

      I have not-very-curvy hips and am average height, so I’ve been buying the “men’s” sizes of Lee and Wrangler jeans for years. They also have bigger pockets! I never liked skinny jeans and only wear leggings to the gym. None of my other clothes are particularly fashionable either and I don’t mind a bit that my “look” pretty much hasn’t changed since 1998!

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Ah, pockets. My husband was shocked to see that my phone goes only about 1/3 of the way into the front pocket of my Levi’s. His phone fits completely in his front pocket. I knew women get a raw deal on almost everything in the world, but now we have to suffer with small pockets? I didn’t even realize men’s pockets were deeper until I noticed him putting his phone away.

        (Maybe I will switch to men’s jeans!)

    6. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I recently bought a pair of J Crew High-rise ’90s classic straight jean in Rinse wash and they are just like 90s straight leg jeans, which I have missed so much. Almost no stretch in them, which meant that they didn’t stretch out in weird places after wearing them for a few hours. Expensive, but they have sales frequently that brings the cost down to a more reasonable level.

    7. Sue*

      Buy several more pairs. In black and/or white maybe too. Maybe buy them in different sizes.
      I found Mom Jeans at the Gap and they fit me perfectly. So I bought 3 different colors in each of 4 different sizes. NOW I’M NOT WORRIED ABOUT JEANS!!! Even if I gain or lose weight. I have solved my jeans problem for the foreseeable future. (Oh. Never dry them in the dryer. Lay them flat to dry. They’ll last longer and won’t shrink.)

  39. CJM*

    Friends of my in-laws gave us a wedding gift we found weird and ugly: a heavy, ten-inch-high statue of a kid with a dog. We didn’t have a kid or a dog or a clue, but we did have a door, so we used it as a door stop! We still occasionally laugh about it and wonder what possessed someone to give it to us (regifting maybe?). I bet it’s buried in a mountain of junk in our basement and will pop out and scare us one day.

  40. Person from the Resume*

    Question for people who live in really cold climates … when you layer during the cold months do you layer the bottom/pants?

    I can’t picture anyone walking in and taking off their pants revealing another layer underneath like people can take off jackets and sweaters.

    I can picture wearing long underwear of some sort under jeans if I am out in the cold all day, but I think I’d start sweating if I was wearing that indoors with the heaters running.

    1. Let me be dark and twisty*

      Yes, I do, but only to work pre-COVID. Mainly because I’m cold all the time, my office’s climate control favors men who are hot all the time, and the fabric for my work/dress pants are thin and unlined. If I didn’t layer my pants, I’d have to have a thick fleece blanket (or use my coat as the blanket) in my lap. But I’m never going to take them off to reveal the under-layer the way I would a sweater. I use long underwear (Cuddleduds is the preferred brand) and I consider them to be like underwear. But if I’m just laying around the house or it’s the weekend, I don’t bother with the layers.

      (Unless you mean pant-layers like snowpants or two layers of sweatpants. Those I will take off when I’m not outside.)

      1. Person from the Resume*

        I love cuddleduds. I wear a lot of their tops under a t-shirt during the southern winter.

    2. fposte*

      I wouldn’t do it socially, but on sub-zero days my basement office was pretty chilly, so I’d keep the base layer on (usually I’d wear fleece pants or a long wool skirt with wool tights underneath). At home my feet run cold so I will sometimes pop on a base layer under the house pants. But I’m in a car culture location so I’m not likely to be outside for long without ending up back at home or its being an activity in its own right.

    3. Chaordic One*

      It depends. Before WFH, I had the misfortune of working in an office where the thermostat was set at 68 and if you were sitting at your desk and working on the phones and the computer it was cold, so I did wear long underwear under my pants. We weren’t allowed to use little space heaters under our desk because of the possible fire risk. The office also had cold concrete floors. I made a point of keeping my feet up off the floor using a little footrest and of wearing thermal insoles in my shoes. It was common for people to have little throw blankets and cover their legs with them when sitting at their desks.

    4. HannahS*

      Depends. As a teenager I wore long underwear under my jeans for my walk to the bus stop but by minute 8 of band class I was dripping sweat and would rip them off in the bathroom and shove them in my backpack. Nowadays if I were in the same situation I’d be more inclined to either wear snow pants (a.k.a. ski pants) over my clothes, or buy a coat that went to mid-calf.

    5. pumpkin socks*

      yep. two to three bottom layers here, on the cold days. Get to the place I’m going and .. go to the bathroom and strip off either outer layer, or underlayer (depends on which pants I’m wearing.)

      1. GermanGirl*

        Yeah this, I put either a layer below the pants I’m actually wanting to wear, or one above, or both.

        If I just have an above layer, I’ll sometimes simply strip that off at the door or at my desk at work. For below layers or if you’re not comfortable striping your outer layer in the open, just go to the bathroom.

    6. PollyQ*

      When I lived in Boston, I wore silk long johns under pants, or sometimes even long skirts, on the coldest days. I didn’t find that it was too warm for me, even in a heater indoor space.

    7. Generic Name*

      I’ll wear long underwear if I’m doing outdoor activities in the winter. Also, keeping the thermostat at temps below 72 (I keep mine at 68 in the winter) in the winter means one is more comfortable wearing more layers indoors. Wearing a long puffy coat (to the knees or even longer) also helps keep you warm outside but not overheated inside.

    8. Koala dreams*

      Yes, but I wear base layer + normal pants and skip the top layer. It’s not weird to take the top layer off though, you can see from the material that it’s outer wear. Some people take it off in the bathroom instead of near the coat hanger. I’ve been thinking of buying an outer wear skirt, it looks easier to take on / off, but I’m not sure.

      At home I wear base layer only sometimes, it’s like wearing leggings.

    9. Asenath*

      I actually wore the kind of heavy padded pants sold for people who engage in winter sports for a while. At the time, I was walking all the time, and needed the extra protection on bad days. And, yes, I removed them when I arrived at work. It didn’t bother me, because it was routine to wear some kind of snowpants to school, at least until you reached your teen years and preferred fashion to warm legs. Most people these days walk less, so they’re only outside long enough to reach the car from their home, and their work from their car, and don’t need warm clothing. And the joggers and runners seem to generate enough heat through their exertions to keep warm when wearing exercise clothing.

      1. Filosofickle*

        Similarly, a coworker in Chicago wore ski pants over her regular pants for her commute (walking + the El) on the coldest days. It was unusual but practical.

      2. AGD*

        I do this! I live in Ontario, I walk a lot, and I have terrible circulation. But I grew up in a much warmer place, so I had no idea what to call these (I was defaulting to “snowboarding pants,” lol).

    10. GroceryStorePootler*

      Yep, I’m a long-underwear-wearer. We don’t keep our house super-warm in heating season, so I have no problem being comfortable indoors at home in (typically lightweight) long underwear plus jeans (and I pretty much spend the cold months in a warm turtleneck plus a polyfleece jacket on the top half, so I can make adjustments by zipping/unzipping the jacket, adding/subtracting a vest, etc.). I’m generally fine elsewhere too (removing the fleece jacket cools things off quite a bit). In a real overheated pinch, I think I have taken off long underwear in a bathroom and stashed them in my bag to take home, but that’s quite rare. Just recently we went over to a friend’s house, and his personal body-thermostat runs very warm so he had not yet turned on his house’s heat for the season. I was very glad to have the long underwear on, but a supplementary blanket wouldn’t have come amiss. My spouse put a warm outdoor hat back on after we had been there a while. The contrast between us and our friend is a good example that what’s comfortable for one person isn’t necessarily comfortable for another, so I certainly wouldn’t argue that wearing long underwear is more correct, it’s just what I prefer.

    11. Cormorannt*

      When it’s very cold I wear tights or thin silk long underwear bottoms under pants. As long as I can shed layers on my core, I don’t find having extra layers on my legs makes me feel too warm indoors. It has to be pretty cold, though, like less than 15 F before I’ll bother. Usually warm socks, mid-calf or knee-high, with pants is sufficient.

    12. Lizabeth*

      When it’s that cold out I would layer a roomy pair of ski pants over my jeans and take them off when I got where I was going.

    13. Girasol*

      As a kid we used to wear snow pants, which were made of windbreaker fabric with elastic waist and cuffs. They’d slide on over normal pants for outdoor wear and slide off when we went inside.

    14. Fellow Traveller*

      Another vote for silk long johns. The layer is super thin so it doesn’t bother me under my pants. Silk helps retain heat, but it is also breathable so it keeps me warm when i need to but i don’t overheat.

    15. HBJ*

      No, I never really have. Long underwear, sometimes, but only if I’m going to be outside a long time. Insulated skirts have gained popularity. I have one and do use it, but not all the time.

    16. Fran Fine*

      I wear fleece-lined tights under my pants in the winter and wool cardigans over long sleeve shirts.

    17. Not So NewReader*

      I started laying the bottom half of me, I did not used to.

      In bitter cold, I have Cuddledud (like thermal underwear) on under my pants. If I have to work outside shoveling I wear ski pants over my jeans and Cuddleduds. I also keep ski pants in my car in case it breaks down and I have to walk on a cold day.

      When it’s not so cold, I wear silk long johns. They are thin and my legs feel less like they are in a full plaster cast.

      It’s good to know your work place. Currently, I work in a brick building but it takes them a while to turn the heat on. So I layer up until the heat is turned on. Once it’s on, I wear less layers and carry emergency clothing in my car. But very seldom do I overheat because of having too many layers. Buildings get cold and depending on the heat system the building may not be that warm anyway.

      There are also flannel lined jeans that are good in cold weather.

    18. Elizabeth West*

      I only do that if I’m going to be outside for a while or if the wind is really bad. I can walk outside for exercise in leggings with a pair of thick skating tights underneath if the weather is above 30 degrees and there’s no rain or snow. If I need them, I have a pair of fleece pants from my old skating club that you can unzip on the sides and take off without taking off your shoes (or skates).

      At work, I kept a little fleece blanket tucked into my footrest so I could toss that over my legs if I got cold. I only had to walk from the parking lot to the car, and my coat is long and windproof. I wish I’d had that coat in music school; I have memories of walking in snow and ice in a dress and heels to master class on Thursdays with only pantyhose on my legs. Uggggh.

    19. LGC*

      Can imagine it – I’ve done it!

      Usually, it’s only if I’m outside for a really long time (spring marathons + New Jersey = running outside in February). On the really cold days I’ll put on tights and then an outer layer of pants. But I’m showering immediately afterwards in those instances anyway. In general, I’ve never had to double layer simply to go outside.

      (Also: note the “New Jersey.” It can get cold – like single digits F or even below 0. But that’s only a few days a year at most, and we generally bottom out in the 20s F. It’s not – like – Minnesota or the upper Midwest in general.)

    20. Lizy*

      I wear skirts all the time. During the winter, I’ll later with leggings or long underwear. During The Stupid Cold, I’ll wear bibs and change out of them in the bathroom.

    21. fueled by coffee*

      If I’m outside all day, I’ll usually wear long underwear under my pants.

      Instead of layering for my commute, though, I just invested in a long coat that goes below my knees. On very cold days, I’ll layer multiple pairs of warm socks under my boots, but those are easier to take on and off (in a bathroom or discretely under my desk) than an entire pair of pants if I get too hot.

    22. Zucchini farmer*

      I thought “of course!”…and it took me reading a number of the comments before I realized most people are thinking of an office situation, in a modern building with the heat set to a standard temperature! When I’m working outside below 40F here, or visiting people in the northeast (US) in the winter, long underwear / longjohns are standard for me, top & bottom. I’m not wearing office attire though, more nylon and wool. I’ve found that in cold places at cold times of year, people tend to keep their houses cooler, and keep a couple layers on indoors. Of course, this is also just the style of people I know — farm/outdoorsey types liable to live in old, poorly-insulated houses and walk around town even at 5F. Only rarely is it warm enough in someone’s house that I’m down to one layer on the top and regret wearing long-underwear bottoms.

      1. newbie*

        I keep long johns in my office (in Florida, but we have balky air conditioning such that “cold fronts” come through our floor leaving it about 60 degrees).

    23. A Wall*

      Oh yeah, I do. I wear long underwear under my pants in the winter, otherwise my legs are freakin’ freezing. I’ve never been in an office that was too hot in my life.

    24. Nicki Name*

      Mr. Name has lived somewhere it got very cold and says yes, indeed, people do commonly wear an extra pair of pants or overalls in the winter and then take them off when they get inside.

    25. allathian*

      Yeah, I typically wear a pair of leggings or long underwear under my jeans. If it’s really cold, I’ll add a pair of snow pants if I have to spend any time at all outdoors.

    26. Texan In Exile*

      For a while, I took the bus to work (in Milwaukee). I wore skirts and dresses to work, but to walk to the bus, I pulled on a pair of sweatpants over my hose/tights, put on my socks, and then put on my fur-lined snow boots.

      A down coat over all of that, add a scarf, a hat, and gloves, sometimes with mittens on top of the gloves, and voila.

      In the office, I pulled off the sweats and changed into fashion boots.

      I also became known at work as “The Woman Who Wears Her Coat All The Time” because the HVAC was awful and, as someone noted, office temps are calibrated for men. (Caroline Criado Perez talks about this in her book “Invisible Women.”

      Yeah, I looked like the Michelin man, but when it’s cold, nobody cares.

    27. Alaska_Blue*

      Skhoop skirts! Various fill levels and lengths and colors. Easy to layer on and off when moving from cold outside to inside. Obviously as a skirt it provides less protection/wind covering than pants, but it is also easier to take on and off than pants. Double ended zippers usually on both sides also means you can unzip for a longer stride/cooling off as needed.

    28. The teapots are on fire*

      When I lived in Wisconsin I occasionally saw people wearing “snow pants” and you do, indeed, take them off when you come inside and have other pants inside or you wear them with a dress. They’re partly for warmth and partly to keep your legs dry when it’s really nasty out there.

    29. The Dude Abidws*

      I bought a pair of Under Armour Coldgear long tights ~15 years ago, and swear by them to this day. They aren’t cheap (normally $50, but right now on Amazon they’re $30), but one of the best investments I’ve ever made.

    31. Seeking Second Childhood*

      If you can find it, silk is for its weight the best insulator out there. And it dries fast enough it doesn’t really matter that you don’t want to put it in a dryer.
      Wishing I hadn’t heard ugly stories about Lularoe, because I have several fugly “no one’s buying this” tights bought on clearance. They breathe well enough to wear under pants which I did when at the office — that place had erratic temperatures. And my area was freezing. (I also like them under mid/long skirt & tall boots, because an occasional 2″ flash of crazy pattern is fun.)

  41. Jelena*

    Has anyone who renovated their home got any tips on where to start? I’m about to close on my first fixer upper – it’s inhabitable as is but ideally I’d like to get the work done before I move in. It’ll be my full-time home for now but may evolve to a vacation home over time. I don’t have the input of knowledgable friends or relatives unfortunately so all the work will be done by professionals, though I’d like to save money where I can. Aside from separating the structural from the cosmetic, is there an order in which to do things? I’m outside the US but welcome all suggestions!

    1. fposte*

      If it’s anything like the US, everything involved in renovations is backed up–production is backed up for appliances and materials, labor is short-staffed and slower than usual. See above, where the person is thinking it will take 7 months to get her refrigerator. So ask a lot of questions about timelines, and figure out if some things have to happen before you move in and some things can wait.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        In early September we had a microwave die. At Loew’s we rapidly went from “Not until the start of October? Seriously?” to “Quick, order the one offering October rather than December!” It came, albeit a month late.

        Be cautious about ripping up anything before the materials to put it back together are on hand.

    2. Generic Name*

      Ooh, great question. If you don’t have structural or safety issues, is anything generally leaky or just gross? What is the scale of the remodel? Like every aspect of the whole house, or just paint and swapping out cabinets? Anytime drywall is involved, it generates and insidious dust, so I’d do that before you do anything cosmetic in other parts of the house. Meaning you don’t want to get brand new carpet and then tear down all the walls because the drywall dust will become embedded in your carpet. Also, plan on everything being more expensive and take longer than the contractor tells you. Set a budget for yourself but tell the contractor your budget is actually 10 to 20 percent less. Also anticipate unexpected discovery. The older the house, the mor unpleasant surprises there likely are.

      If it were me, I’d probably start at bathrooms first, then kitchen, then painting, then flooring. If you want to make any structural changes (like turn a historic home with rooms and doors into an open concept) or any changes to the layout, do that first.

    3. New Dog Owner*

      I bought a fixer upper and I did things in the order they mattered most *to me* – someone else might have had different priorities (for example, I don’t cook much so the kitchen is still pretty bad, but that’s lower on my list personally than the bathrooms which I use every day). That said, I did the floors before I ever moved in because it was cheaper and easier to do that when there was no furniture. So for me it was floors – bathrooms – kitchen – and next will be the remodeled unit for the basement, which I don’t personally plan to use but would add a lot of value to the house for resale. Cosmetic things I did myself, but they say the investment returns come from kitchens and bathrooms.

      1. New Dog Owner*

        If I had been just a little bit smarter, mind you, I probably would have done the wall paint first and *then* the floors, because I did get a few drips on my newly redone floors by going the other way! But I’m very indecisive about paint colors so I needed the time, plus I did each room myself one at a time over the course of six months. A friend had all the walls professionally handled in one shade, so that would have made sense to do before the floors.

    4. Clisby*

      Did you have a home inspection pinpointing things that really *need* to be done? For example, I’d replace a roof or do any needed foundation repair before I renovated a bathroom or kitchen.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. There is a pecking order. The order helps to prevent crossovers and redoing new work.

        I have a school house that is pushing 200 years old. For my setting before I even started on the house I had to get the lot to drain better and remove some dangerous trees. So we started with the outside first.
        Foundation and roof first. If the foundation crumbles you will lose any repairs you have done. If the roof leaks you can lose any repairs in place.

        Then reinforce floors or walls that are not strong and show signs of stressing.

        After the floors we went to plumbing, electrical and heat. We brought in literally pickup trucks full of insulation. As we opened the walls we checked the wiring, the plumbing (if any) then added the insulation in. It was also a good chance to fill rodent holes, check the internal structure of each wall and reconfig outlets and switches to more logical locations.

      2. Jelena*

        I did! And funnily enough the roof was the only major structural problem that was highlighted! So that’s my first priority when the weather allows but from there on I’m kinda stumped. Beyond the roof my budget comes down to what I’d like to do versus what I should do in terms of cost/priority. Inside it’s mainly new kitchen, new cabinets in other rooms, new flooring (the one there is fine but I don’t like it), new front/back doors (better for heat loss but existing doors are functional as is), some minor electrical/plumbing works and then decorating after that. I’d love to replace the windows (again they’re fine but they’re white PVC and I don’t like them) but my general frugalness means I struggled to replace something when there’s nothing functionally wrong with it.

        1. Ali G*

          It’s tempting to jump into things, but I would recommend waiting on the nice to have stuff just a bit for a couple of reasons.
          First, there are labor and supply shortages everywhere. You might think you have a quick timeline, but things are taking forever. Where I am contractors aren’t even taking on small jobs. They are ghosting clients because they can’t get materials, or get a better paying gig. It’s crazy. Waiting even 6 months might save you time money and headaches.
          Next, you will learn a lot about what works and doesn’t after living there for a bit. We knew we wanted to do a bit of renovating when we bought our house, but I did not have the kitchen on my original list. It had been redone already, but after living here for a while I realized how much I hate it. The layout was sucks and the oven was clearly purchased by someone that never cooks.
          Since you say you are generally frugal, this will help you prioritize where to spend your money.
          Good luck!

  42. Green Mug*

    Does anyone have long term experience with a Hyundai Tucson? Do you like it? Is there a lot of maintenance? Any thoughts about gas mileage? I have a daily 60-mile, round-trip commute. I like the look of the Tucson but am also thinking about a Honda Accord.

    1. PollyQ*

      I know nothing about the Hyundai, but I’ve loved all my Hondas, 2 of which (I think?) were Accords. Great cars, super reliable, last forever. My current one is a 20-yo Civic with ~130k miles on it.

    2. Dwight Schrute*

      I’ve got a 2010 sante ge that’s still going strong! I love it! It’s fairly comfy and rides well

    3. HahaLala*

      My parents just sold their 2015 Tucson to get a new 2021 Tucson— so they’d vote in favor of it! They got a great deal on the trade in, and were able to get the higher trim level, but they had no complaints about the old one.

    4. RosyGlasses*

      I gave mine to my son for graduation last year – we bought it used four years ago and it is still going strong with really no issues. I loved it!

  43. Annie Oakley*

    Does anyone that does not normally consume gluten-free food alternatives find that they really do not agree with your gut when you eat them? We have a gluten-free relative, so some family meals are adjusted to accommodate for that. We try to avoid the gluten-free stuff, because man does it upset my tummy. And it gives the hubs awful (I mean AWFUL) gas haha.

    With Thanksgiving coming up, what food dish have you learned it is best to avoid at family gatherings (taste-wise or otherwise ;)

    1. Batgirl*

      I am gluten free and the flour used for gluten free baking upsets my partner’s stomach. It’s the type of flour that is mostly rice based. The one gluten free product that we both like to eat together is red lentil pasta, made with red lentil flour. He actually eats that type of pasta exclusively now, because it makes him feel less bloated. We can get it everywhere but we miss the Italian made Dalla Costa we used to get in TK Maxx, because it was extra special. Oh, and Hobnobs. They’re a crumbly British biscuit (cookie) which have always been made mostly of oats so there’s practically no difference between the ones labelled gluten free and the ordinary. Hobnobs make a great cheesecake base.

    2. Imtheone*

      Gluten-free foods sometimes have unusual ingredients to improve the texture. Maybe you are bothered by the “gums”- guar gum, xanthum gum, etc. We look for gluten-free foods with “regular” ingredients, like corn or rice. Rice Crackers are good, corn-based pasta. If the gluten-free eater is fine with breads and rolls, but you are not, then it’s fairly easy to have both options.

    3. Emma2*

      I also find that I don’t feel great after eating certain types of gluten free foods, primarily baked goods made with gluten free flour, and gluten free pasta (I have not tried all types, but have found this with ones that seem designed to mimic regular pasta). I think it must be as a result of some of the starches or gums that are used. I just avoid or limit those things when I visit a relative who is gluten free.

  44. New Dog Owner*

    I think I am adopting a dog! I’m so excited and so, so nervous. It’s a big dog and I’m not very experienced (but he seems very calm and gentle – a real couch potato). I have already lined up sessions with a trainer and started shopping for pet insurance. The rescue has given me lots of great advice on how to get him settled and off to a good start in my home, with my cat etc. But I’m just always stressed out by change and trying to prepare for the worst. My main concerns are that a) I’m a single person, which means it’s all going to be 100% on me to handle everything – be home and with the dog almost all the time, especially in the beginning – and b) I have saved up for this, but I know how quickly costs can spiral out of control, and I’m not super wealthy. Please give me some dog encouragement or advice!

    1. Generic Name*

      Congrats! I’m a lifelong cat person and recently got a dog, and she’s just the best thing ever. All the good things that people say about dogs are absolutely true. It’s truly wonderful to experience unconditional love on a daily basis, and it’s an absolute joy to give her toys. She squeaks them incessantly and rips the stuffing out almost immediately, but 10/10 would recommend getting your dog toys, even if they destroy them. I also have cats, and it’s ridiculously fun watching them play together. Pets bring so much into our lives.

      1. New Dog Owner*

        Yes I think that’s why I’m so nervous – I’ve been a cat person for long and I worry I won’t “jive” with the dog as well. And that my cat will be mad at me or upset at the disruption (although she’s done very well with various foster animals – but never a dog). I’m sure she’ll be a little upset at first but hopefully they’ll get along okay. Fortunately I do have enough space that they can stay separate if she prefers.

    2. Other Meredith*

      I got my first dog about 7 years ago, and here’s the biggest thing I learned-they told me it would take the dog a couple of weeks to adjust, but he settled in immediately. It took me months to adjust! So don’t be discouraged if you’re not feeling things right away. I definitely thought I had made a mistake for the first 2 months or so, but then one day I realized that I loved him like crazy. As another data point, I got a new dog this year (first dog passed away at age 13 from cancer) and she didn’t really fully adjust until it had been months. But I felt fine almost immediately because I was confident that I could successfully keep a dog alive. Definitely get the insurance and the trainer (even if your dog is well behaved, training will help the two of you work together), and make sure to get an appointment with a vet as soon as you can. I’m sure the rescue has checked things out, but it’s good to get your new dog started with their vet so you’ll have someone to go to if there’s a health issue and so you can keep on top of their shots and stuff. Good luck!

      1. Other Meredith*

        Also, this is kind of silly, but something that really helped me bond with both dogs was letting them sleep in the bed with me. It may not work for you, but I was determined that it wouldn’t happen at first. Once I finally gave in (my first dog was sneaky about getting what he wanted, and he wanted to sleep in the bed!), we started bonding really quickly. I honestly think it was because it was the most uninterrupted time we spent together, even though we were both asleep. Worth thinking about, anyway.

        1. New Dog Owner*

          Ha it’s funny you say that, as this is something I was fussing over; the foster mom says he sleeps in the bed and I was thinking, “ew, not sure I want to let a big dirty dog in my bed thanks” (I don’t let the cat sleep in the bed either, as she jumps up and down all night and wants to play starting at dawn). Maybe I’ll look back at that and laugh some day from a bed full of dirt and doghair!

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Dogs #1-#3 were not allowed on the bed with me.
            Dogs 4 and 5 changed all that. Set the rules you are comfy with, they will be okay as long as you are consistent. Give the dog a bed at the foot of your bed. Teach him “bed time” so he knows what to do next. In the winter I give them extra blankets because my floors are cold.

            One thing I did notice with #4 is that he had a harder time at the kennel when he got older. He knew for a fact he should be sleeping with me. The kennel people said he howled all night. omg. Well, he was 13 so I just decided not to board him anymore.

            For #5 I found friends who would stay here with him.

            For dogs #3-5, I had cats. Since the dog was bigger and stronger, I taught each dog to be careful of the kitties. They learned this quickly. One dog rescued a kitten who fell into the dog’s water dish. I should have had a camera. I turned to see a 60 pound dog with a tiny kitten draped over his nose. They never became BFFs. But the dog did watch out for her, so that was good.

          2. MissGirl*

            Mine doesn’t sleep on my bed but she does spend a few hours a day at my feet under my desk. We also bond over cuddles and playing.

    3. The Dogman*

      You will be fine! And good on you for getting a rescue!

      Find a dog wo/man local to you and go for some walks together and pay attention to what they are say, but more importantly what they are doing!

      All the best!

  45. AIP and Hashimotos*

    Has anyone done the AIP diet who has Hashimotos? If so, what foods did you find that you were sensitive to?

    I’m currently on week 2 of the diet and looking forward to reintroducing some foods. Within just a couple of days, something I eliminated has definitely helped my bloating! It’s completely gone, even during PMS.

    1. WS*

      I did it and it didn’t really help me in the sense of finding an inflammation trigger, but it did help in the sense of thinking about what I was eating and why. I had to have the rest of my thyroid out and radioactive ablation so I’m guessing no diet would have really helped there, but I also have Crohn’s and [still being diagnosed] some form of reactive arthritis. Unfortunately, my inflammation triggers don’t seem to include food but at least I know that now.

  46. OyHiOh*

    I’m having a “let it go” issue this weekend that perhaps others can help work through (or chime in with your own similar moments).

    I’ve been auditioning or participating in juried competition since the age of nine. At this point (early 40’s), I’ve got a pretty well worn habit of understanding that an audition or jury is not personal. It’s me trying to solve a problem that the casting director or jurist needs to solve. I don’t always know exactly how that person defines their problem, so when I don’t get the part, etc, it’s not about “me,” it’s about the problem.

    A month or so ago, I entered art pieces in a big juried art exhibition. For those who don’t know how this process works – you fill out the entry form, pay your money, and submit photos of the art you want to enter. A “jury” (usually 1 to 3 people) then go through all the photos and curate the show they want to hang. This isn’t for prizes, this is just to have work in the show. None of my work was selected. In a lot of cases, I’d move on with my life and think nothing more of it – the pieces I submitted didn’t solve the problem the jury was working with.

    This one feels weird and scam-y though and I’m struggling a lot more with my feelings than expected. The organizers made a big deal about the size of the venue and how, on a triennial cycle, they fill it with art – the only stipulations being that you are an adult artist who lives in our state. According to the rejection email, they received over 2,000 submitted pieces. They curated that down to 149. I feel like they set the expectation that “many” artists are selected to hang, but in reality, they are highly, highly selective and I feel like they should have said it’s a highly competitive juried process. It feels like they set the expectation differently in order to collect as many entry fees as possible (fundraising, basically).

    Help me get over myself? or comiserate!

    1. Reba*

      Hm, it is true that entry fees are increasingly seen as bad form, and many artists and artists’ organizations consider them inequitable and bad. (You aren’t asked to pay $50 bucks to audition for a community theater production, right? And that’s not even getting into framing etc. etc.) It certainly looks a bit ugly to collect 2000 entries worth of fees, and for what? But this is how the game is played in a lot of situations, so for me it’s a gray area, and how upset to be depends on who the org is, how much the fee actually was, and probably more squishy factors about how the process has felt.

      That being said, I feel like you may be reading a bit too much into the communications from the organizers. 149 works is a good-sized exhibition! That may count as “filled” to them, assuming we are not talking about salon-style hanging. :) And it’s formulaic to tell rejected entrants that oh, there were just soooo many and we could only take a few of these wonderful entries! As a way of letting you down gently. But, of course I haven’t read what they actually said — maybe they were insensitive or the whole process was just off.

    2. PollyQ*

      It would be great if they were really transparent and said something up front like, “We generally get about [X] submissions and choose [Y] works,” so that you’d be able to use those odds to decide whether you want to pay to throw your hat in the ring or skip it. They may not have data that firm, though. Perhaps last time they only got 1000 submissions, and this year was surprisingly high due to COVID. Perhaps they were aiming to pick 200 works, but many of the ones they liked were big. Yes, 150 out of 2000+ is very selective, but it’s not like 10 out of 2000.

      Ultimately, I think you’re right that they should say something like “highly competitive” and if possible, give some numbers.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I say go ahead and weep because sometimes we just need to do that.

      It could be that they had no idea they would get that many submissions. It could be that they are an inexperienced group of people new at doing this. (I say this thinking of me as a newbie board member and making mistakes.)

      Possibly consider that you craft a letter to them requesting that they do something differently so people have a clearer idea of what kind of an event they are entering.

      Or going the not-so-nice way perhaps consider reporting them for using a show as a fundraiser. 2000 times $50 is $10k. I would think that some where there is a government agency interested in hearing about this kind of money given the purpose for collecting the money. Was the money plowed back into the show with advertising, etc? Where did that money go?

      1. Mstr*

        I feel like I wouldn’t pay to enter this contest, but idk that 10k is an exorbitant sum to hold this event if you consider real estate, curators, mounting & hanging pieces, promotions, wine & snacks, music, gallery salespeople to staff the event … it totally does depend on the presentation.

    4. Expiring Cat Memes*

      I think the process of creating art is a highly personal one. Whatever the piece ends up becoming is a piece of you, your state of mind, those days of your life. Even if you do it as a profession or even if you’re not personally attached to the subject matter, it’s still your unique expression and you’re heavily invested in its creation.

      It doesn’t matter how much you objectively rationalise the selection process, if someone else doesn’t like or want your art, on some level being rejected will always feel personal. Maybe there IS indeed something fishy going on with the event organisers! Another possibility is that you’re trying really hard to logic your way around an emotion that you haven’t given yourself permission to feel.

      If it’s the latter for you, I don’t know that there really is a way to get over that other than time. Sometimes an attitude shift to create only for yourself can help – only make the art that you love making and if others happen to like it, cool, and if not it doesn’t matter because it’s not for them anyway.

    5. RagingADHD*

      Sounds to me like you clocked the situation correctly. I’m sorry.

      Yes, there is a lot of the nonprofit/arts/performing arts world that exists by exploiting people’s hopes and ambitions. It’s a shame, but it’s quite real and not very unusual at all.

    6. WS*

      This is really, really common – venues are not cheap, especially these days with insurance. Whether or not it’s a scam I don’t know, because if they genuinely have a blind selection process and don’t just pick their own and/or friends’ pieces, that’s not a scam: that’s a competition with odds of less than 1 in 10. But if they get everyone’s submissions and use the entry fee to only display certain works, that’s a scam. It sounds like there’s a gap between your expectations of lots of work being accepted and the actual odds of it being accepted, and it’s entirely possible that this is due to how they advertise it. Put the word out to other artists you know and see what they think of this group?

  47. hugs*

    It’s my birthday soon and I’ll be celebrating it alone. I am fine with it and have plans to make the day special but I’m curious what are some of your favorite ways to celebrate solo?

    3. Girasol*

      I get cake with really thick icing for my birthday – the kind that makes people say “eeuw, you’re going to eat that?” – and go somewhere nearby that’s fun, like a museum or the zoo. I suppose that sounds very childish, but what are birthdays for?

    4. CJM*

      I like to find local birthday freebies and go get one or two. Our favorite tavern offers a free tee shirt on your birthday, and this year one of the owners offered me a free shot too. My favorite bakery used to offer a free loaf of bread, if I recall correctly, but now it’s a less valuable freebie. I think their sister coffee shop offers a free cup of coffee. Little things like that, plus the staff wishing me a happy birthday when they hear that’s why I’m there, really brighten up my birthday.

    5. New Dog Owner*

      I buy a lot of new plants and spend the day putting them in my garden. Also taking a great hike in a new place is good. Any kind of travel is good.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      Give yourself permission to do whatever you want–whether that’s lying in bed binging Netflix or going for a long hike and then getting the fancy sushi you usually pass up. Wander through a bookstore or whatever other store hits your “Ooh, I never heard of this” buttons. Ignore housework.

    7. Skeeder Jones*

      Definitely sleeping in! Make sure I have some of my favorite foods ready that I don’t usually have around (special spaghetti sauce from a restaurant near where I grew up, you can buy their sauce and take it home and they are about 30 minutes from me but in a direction I don’t usually go) and a custom mix box of Sees candy with only the flavors I love. I signed up for Disney Plus and rented Hamilton, I made sure to save it for that day so it would be something special, had a long(ish) phone call with my mom and her partner. I enjoyed the whole day.

    9. Dark Macadamia*

      Since having kids I often go hiking by myself on my birthday – it’s a huge treat to be able to do a more challenging trail at my own pace.

    10. Bobina*

      Same! I’m planning a fancy lunch at a restaurant and probably a very lazy day in bed for the rest of it. I also have a massage planned for a few days later (I’m taking a few days off work) and I’m actually quite excited to finally make it to donate blood!

      There will also definitely be cake. But as others have said, I generally treat it as a “do all the things that make you happy” kind of day(s).

    11. 653-CXK*

      I will be celebrating my 50th about a week from now, but what I’ve done solo for my birthdays is take the entire week off from work, go to a nice restaurant for lunch, and (pre-COVID) take a day trip outside of the city.

      I’m hoping I can take a once-in-a-lifetime 50th birthday trip outside the States, but that wouldn’t be until summer 2022 in the earliest.

    12. londonedit*

      I met up with friends for dinner on my birthday this year but spent the rest of the day on my own – I had a lie-in, made a nice breakfast, and then headed off to a really nice spa. I’d bought a package where you got two hours of spa access (pool, jacuzzi, steam room and sauna) and then a 30-minute back massage and 45-minute facial. It was so relaxing! Then I popped across the road to a really nice cafe and had lunch, bought myself a lovely piece of cake, and pottered about in the afternoon. It was a fab day!

  48. Choggy*

    I love tea, especially Earl Grey, with Tazo being my current go-to. I’d like to be able to drink tea without putting any sweetener (sugar) or milk in it but I find it too bitter to drink that way. Any suggestions from fellow black tea drinkers as to what might be a good alternative? I would also do green tea if I can find one I like. Thanks!

    1. Teapot Translator*

      Tip from a tea drinker that learned to drink tea by herself (grew up in a coffee-drinking household) and who never put milk or sugar: reduce infusion time. The time will depend on the amount of water. But I would say that for a small cup (6 ounces, I think), I’d start with 30 seconds.

    2. Eden*

      How long are you steeping it? Can you try decreasing the time and seeing if it still tastes good enough that way? I definitely find that it can go from pleasant to unpleasant pretty quickly.

      You can also try other fruity blends and/or other brands. Tazo is not my favorite tbqh. For a store brand, I like Stash’s Peach Black tea and Earl Grey a lot. For an online buy, my eternal faves are Earl Grey Creme and Rose Black from Art of Tea.

      1. Reba*

        This is a good suggestion — teas that get a little sweetness from fruit notes! I love the Paris (a sort of Earl grey ++), Holiday tea (orange and spice), and Vanilla black tea (creamy vanilla taste, also has a decaf version!) from Harney and Sons.

        1. Nessun*

          Agree with all this. Reduce steeping time and look for Earl Grey blends that include a cream note. There are lots around if you look online – I like some from Adagio and DavidsTea. You’ll want to experiment with what you like, and with the steep time to get the exact flavor you enjoy without the tannin bitterness.

    3. PollyQ*

      I like Republic of Tea’s Vanilla Almond, and they have a zillion other flavors, many of which are naturally sweet-ish. Nth-ing the suggestion of keeping an eye on the brewing time and seeing if a shorter time helps with the bitterness.

    4. GermanGirl*

      If black teas are a bit too strong, you can try oolong teas – they’re halfway between black and green teas, and in my experience they’re also a bit more forgiving than blacks with letting them brew too long. 2 minutes is a good time for most of them, but most still taste nice enough at 3 minutes, a few even longer.

      I used to get a kwai flower oolong, which I adored. It had a peach note from the kwai flower even though there was no peach in it, but it got discontinued at my local tea shop :(

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I am really into oolong teas at the moment, and can recommend Iron Goddess of Mercy and Purple Tea from The Whistling Kettle. The Whistling Kettle also does a lot of small sampler options.

        Agree with everyone else re not steeping too long. With white tea, especially, it becomes undrinkable.

    5. Squidhead*

      Try Lady Grey (Twinings)? The bergamot isn’t quite as strong but is still nice. Adjust steeping time to taste, as well.

    6. I take tea*

      If your tea is bitter, you probably steep it too long, have too much leaves for the amount of water or or the water is too hot. Try steeping it for 2- 3 minutes and see if it helps (thirty seconds will just colour the water, in my opinion). If you use loose tea leaves, try less. If you use tea bags, use more water. Temperature is important, even black tea usually gets better if the water isn’t too hot (with green tea it’s even more crucial). It shouldn’t be boiling proper when you pour it, wait a couple of minutes first, or pour before it really starts boiling, when it just has small bubbles.

      Also a lot of black teas are meant for hard water, so if you have soft water it will taste bitter. Try different tea types. I find that Chinese black teas are more suited to soft water, whereas the Indian ones usually are a bit more bitter. If you have a proper tea shop nearby, you can ask them.

    7. Choggy*

      Appreciate all the suggestions, yes I absolutely let the tea bag steep too long! Will adjust that and the water temp. Will try the Earl Grey Creme as well, I had loose leaves of that a while ago which I enjoyed, and forgot about! I think the only tea shop we had was Teavana, in the mall, which is gone. I’m in the US.

    8. RussianInTexas*

      Harney & Sons have few milder black teas: Paris, Victorian London Fog, Tower of London.
      Their cinnamon spice black tea even has a very light sweetness from the spices.

    9. Ranon*

      I’ve found the loose leaf blacks from Arbor Teas are much more forgiving of over steeping, in addition to the other tips people have given

    10. newbie*

      I’ve drank black tea since I was a fetus (putting the kettle on was my first “job” as a little kid – I needed a stool to reach the stove knobs. All this to say, I’ve tried pretty much every tea you can get in the supermarket and always end up coming back to Constant Comment. You can vary the strength a bit by leaving the bag in a shorter amount of time.
      I’ve never gotten the taste for green tea, but different strokes for different folks.

    11. Expiring Cat Memes*

      I find that letting the tea soak a while in a little cold water before adding hot water to the cup significantly reduces bitterness.

    12. WoodswomanWrites*

      Not sure if you’re trying to avoid all sweeteners or just sugar, but I like adding powdered stevia leaf to my tea. Depending on where you are, this might be harder to find as the plain leaf. There are other versions of stevia in liquid drops or a processed powder.

    13. Still*

      If you end up trying green tea, make sure not to use boiling water, because it gets really bitter if it burns. 80 degrees is what I usually aim for. It really makes a huge difference to green tea.

    14. Odge*

      I’ve been down this road! Switching to only adding milk at first helped me transition. I usually get the Stash earl grey, haven’t tried the Tazo so I don’t know how they compare. Bigelow flavored teas, like constant comment, the vanilla black tea and the caramel spice one they make in the fall, are usually good plain. I love chai without anything in it as well. Harney & Sons cinnamon spice (very sweet by itself), Paris, and pomegranate oolong are great. You can also steep a cinnamon stick with unflavored black tea! For green teas, one or two minutes and a lower temp will keep them from getting grassy. I’ve enjoyed getting tea samples from Adagio Teas online.

      In the summer I cold steep black tea in pitchers so I can have it out of the fridge in the mornings, and that usually produces a milder flavor too. 1-2 hours at room temp or overnight in the fridge.

  49. Double A*

    Tell me about your Very Old Cats, past and present. I’m think a VOC is like 16 and above (though this isn’t hard and fast). How old are they/were they? How are they doing? For those that have passed, how did the last couple of years of their life look? This is mostly to share about our old kitties, but if you have any tips about helping your VOC live their best life for a long as possible, please share.

    My cat is about 17 years old and I’ve had her for 16 years. She was a foster fail back in my early 20s. Every winter for the past 5 years or so I’ve thought, “Oh, she’s getting really old” because she gets a bit stiffer and slower and clingier because she’s cold, but then once it warms up again she’s sprightly again. I’ve set out a heating pad past winters which she’s taken advantage of, but this year I bought her her very own heated cat bed…that she is completely uninterested in. She really wants to be on laps. She’s even gotten into snuggling with the baby, which is funny because she wanted nothing to do with our daughter until she was like 3. Maybe it’s because this baby is a boy; my cat has always loved other cats but only if they’re male, so maybe she’s got the same deal with babies.

    Even though she’s 17 she still gets a little bit of the kitten zoomies every now and again and runs around chasing a toy for a few minutes during her evening witching hour. I really have no idea how much longer she’ll live; she could take a turn any minute, or live another 5 years, both seem equally likely. Whenever it happens, it will be very strange not to have her around after so long, so I’m just trying to appreciate her while I’ve got her.

    1. GoryDetails*

      The oldest cats I’ve ever had reached 16 or 17 (mostly rescues so their actual birth-date wasn’t always known). I do know people whose cats have reached into their 20s, though that’s pretty rare. Mine have tended to be in pretty good shape right up until a final illness popped up.

      I did get an already-very-old cat once – he was about 16, and the local animal shelter wouldn’t have held out much hope for him finding a home except that he was so very charming. I was there looking for a new cat after my last ones had been gone for a couple of months, and this tall slim ginger fellow perked up when he saw me – and that was that. Turned out he had progressive neurological issues, was increasingly wobbly on his feet (though that didn’t keep him from trying to get around), and eventually became unable to move – but before that, I had a lovely year or so with him. I made the house increasingly wobbly-cat-friendly with ramps and “stairs” made from pillows and that kind of thing, moved the litterbox upstairs so he wouldn’t attempt the basement steps, and spent a lot of time with him – he was a love…

    2. It's Quarantime!*

      My beloved kitty was 20 years old when I said goodbye to him in April this year. I loved him with so much of my heart that I’m not sure enough is left to grow back now that he’s gone.
      He started hyperthyroid meds sometime around age 15 or 16, I don’t remember. But I preemptively put him on a prescrption kidney diet as kidney problems frequently follow thyroid problems. His kidneys looked great right up to the end.
      When he was about 17 his blood pressure spiked so high that it blew the retina out in one eye. While that injury did heal and his eyes cleared I don’t think his vision in that eye every fully recovered. He was on blood pressure medicine after that. (Btw, do you know how they take a cat’s blood pressure? The same way they take ours! Only with a tiny, two inch cuff and a little microphone so they can hear the heartbeats.)
      He did slow down quite a bit in his final few years. I noticed that he would meow when he jumped up onto the bed or a chair and I started supplementing with glucosamine, and in his last year I also gave him cbd cat treats. Both of which seemed to show noticeable improvement in his movement. Also for his last year I took my mattress and box springs off the bed frame so he be able to make it up onto the bed for night time cuddles.
      He claimed my heated lap blanket and I made sure to turn it back on each time the automatic 4 hour timer would shut it off. He too had no use for designated cat beds and if I was stationary for longer than 30 seconds he would be on me.
      Your intention to appreciate her while you have her is a good one. Learn from me, I started preemptively grieving for my beloved kitty about the time his eye injury happened. It didn’t help him live longer, it mostly just made me sad.
      So do all the things you can do to help your cat live comfortably and happily, and believe with all your heart that she’ll live forever. You’ll have plenty of time to miss her when she’s gone, don’t let any of that seep into the joy of loving her now, while she’s here.

      1. Tea and Sympathy*

        Thank you so much for that last sentence! My mother is 96 and it’s sad to watch her get more and more frail. Plus the isolation necessitated by the pandemic has taken its toll. I realize that I’m blessed to still have her, but I really needed to be reminded to lean into the joy.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      One of our cats lived to 20. We had been waiting on getting a new dog “until Old Cat passes” but once she hit 19 we went ahead and got new dogs. The older dog of the pair was always very respectful, while the puppy was thoroughly intimidated–9 years later, she doesn’t go into the basement because that was Old Cat’s territory. She has taught this to new pup, who came on the scene years after Old Cat passed.

      Old Cat had been very timid, but she lost her hearing and that really mellowed her right out. She eventually moved less and less–she had a blanket on the couch in a sunny spot–and seemed to not be enjoying life, and died of natural causes a week before I would have had the vet come to the house to put her to sleep.

    4. Opinions, I've had a few*

      My VOC passed in August of 2020 at the age of 19. She went very quick. The last few years of her life she was still pretty active. She was a tortie so she definitely grew more vocal the older she was. There were no teeth issues or food issues or bathroom issues until the very, very end. She started acting weird on a Friday and by Sunday she’d passed. We didn’t even have time to get her to the vet and she passed at home.

    5. Girasol*

      Our elder cat died at 19 after being with us since he turned up on the porch at 9 months old. He attempted to do everything my husband did, so I have seen that cat hunt gophers, pick plums, trim trees, and shell peas, not effectively but about as well as a small guy without opposable thumbs could. He was all cat until his last year when he lost his ability to jump. He didn’t realize it so he would leap and miss and the smacks that he took as a result looked painful. In his last six months he had to be coaxed to eat and had to have his food pureed. He couldn’t recall where his cat box and his food were so he would come up to one of us and meow pitifully and we would have to lead him to one or the other. We miss him. We were adopted by such a terrific cat.

    6. Damn it, Hardison!*

      My best girl lived to 22 years. She was a wonderful cat, very loving and cuddly until the end. In her later years she had more frequent UTIs as well as arthritis, but we were able to make her very comfortable with medication from her vet. My other elderly cat lived until she was 19 1/2, and had fewer issues in old age than the other. She was more of my husband’s cat, but we had our special moments too. I remember all too well the feeling that they could be gone quickly, and definitely tried to be more appreciative of every moment with them in their later years.

    7. pieforbreakfast*

      My cat of 20 years died last April, a noticeable decline started in December but before that she was amazingly spry and friendly. I gave her Cosequine supplements for her joints starting about age 15 and she went on a kidney diet at like age 17? She also got regular dental care.
      The decline in the last months included eating less and less of her food but being more intrusive with getting people food (like, getting on the hot stove while I was cooking), sleeping 80% of the time, difficulty jumping down from furniture, occasional incontinence. Once she jumped on my lap and full on peed on me then walked away.
      I spent the last couple weeks knowing she needed comfort care but unable to talk to the vet for a variety of reasons. I basically needed someone to tell me it was okay to help her go, which happened to be a co-worker. For a long time afterward I would hear her around the house, not meowing really but just sounds of movement or landing on the floor from the chair. A couple of nights I swore she was sleeping by my knees, her usual place. And then it kind of faded away.

    8. CJM*

      We’ve had two very old cats. The first one I adopted after someone at work posted that it was his last chance at the shelter before they’d put him down. He was a “creamsicle cat” (orange and white), my favorite, so I folded. (We already had multiple cats.) The animal-control officer at the shelter wondered if he was diabetic, so I had him tested, and he was. He was also closer to 14, said the vet, than the ten years the officer had estimated. He lived to about 20, and I gave him insulin shots for all those years. He loved to lie in the sun out back. He slowed down a lot in his final year or two and got thin and wobbly. But he still came to the kitchen when wet cat food was passed out, and he still loved attention and lying in the sun. Eventually he had trouble breathing, and we took him to the vet for the last time. I was heartbroken.

      The other old cat is a neighborhood stray who had a bad injury about eight years ago, so we scooped him up and took him to the vet. After paying that big bill, we considered him ours! He hates to come indoors and hangs out in our yard. (I just insulated a “cat hut” for winter weather, but he’ll reluctantly come inside when it snows.) We think he’s 18 now. His hearing and vision seem to be declining, but he’s like our other senior cat: he still loves food and attention and lying in the sun. So he’s still enjoying life. He’s a sweetie, and I admire and respect his toughness. I hope he’ll be with us for a few more years.

    9. I take tea*

      The oldest cat I’ve ever known was somewhere between 25 and 30 when he died! The last maybe five years he was on thyroid supplements and the last couple of years he was more more or less blind, but he still went for a little stroll around the house most days. He was surprisingly spry until the end, but just skin and bones as the muscles atrophied. I might have let him go earlier, but it was not my decision.

    10. Rara Avis*

      We lost our VOC at 18 last spring. He was on thyroid meds for a long time, and eventually the thyroid/kidney balance was impossible to maintain. At the end he was losing weight dramatically. He definitely slowed down in his last year or two and would request help to get on my daughter’s bed. (Or jump on the bedside table, which was only an inch or two lower, and knock everything off on his way to the bed.) He seemed to enjoy life until close to the end.

    11. What Is Sleep Even*

      My VOC was very healthy until about age 17, then spent two years in a decline with kidney failure and arthritis. He never had great aim in the litterbox, and developed pretty constant continence issues. I also spent more and more time coaxing him to eat, and he started needing help with stairs. I was monitoring his quality of life, and he was purring right up to the end – but after he died, I realized that the last year in particular had been not great, and I will probably make different decisions next time. Heated beds were pretty much his favorite thing in later years, so the spoiled subsequent cats have them everywhere.

    12. Chuck*

      My VOC is somewhere between 17 and 20. She was a stray that adopted my aunt. My aunt fed her and gave her affection but never took her to the vet except to get her desexed.
      We adopted her a couple of years ago and have been relatively lucky that overall she’s incredibly healthy. Had a few expensive vet bills-one for diagnosing a sudden stomach illness. The others were all dental and half her teeth were taken out due to years of exclusively wet food and neglected dental care by my aunt.

      The VOC lives a leisurely life of sunbathing and cuddles. We adopted another stray rescue who is younger, stronger and bigger than her and yet still lives in terror because VOC is still tough as nails. Last year she was still able to go after mice with kittenish glee which was intensely disturbing.

      Just in the last year she started looking old and her appetite is slowly waning. Her rump has gotten bony too. A friend described her as having a “dowager” look about her. I know that she hasn’t got long in the scheme of things which is sad but I also know that I’ve made her retirement years as good as I possibly could have

    13. Cj*

      Our very first lived to be 21 and a half. She had mild kidney disease for the last couple years and I had to give her fluids every other day, but she will soon as I.

      Our oldest cat bus 22 and 1/2. She was from a litter of five most of them live to get 18 or 20. We also recently lost the last of another letter of five who I’ll lived to be around 18 or 19.

      The ones who have died young died very young, like 4 or 5, often from kidney disease.

      My experience seems to point to mostly its genetics.

      1. Cj*

        I can’t believe I forgot to mention our most recently lost very old cat, Flower. He looked exactly like Hank, Alison’s tuxedo cat featured about in today’s picture. And I mean exactly.

        He died pre-pandemic, so it must have been a couple of years ago, but he was one of the most sweetest cat ever, and so warm on my chest when he slept there at night.

        Best we can tell he was 18 to 20 so, as he started out as a very mean stray that we took in.

    14. Rowancat*

      I had to put my almost 18 year old boy down in January. I’d had Rowan since he was about 8 weeks old (got him from a coworker whose cat had had kittens). The March before I’d taken him in to get surgery on (possibly cancerous) growth, but when they did his blood work pre surgery, they found out he had major kidney issues and couldn’t operate. I put him on special diet kidney food.

      The last couple years he slept a lot more–didn’t like jumping up/down as high as he used to–he could still do it, but I don’t think it was as comfortable. He slept on my lap a lop, when I was using my laptop or not. He often slept with me at night beside my head.

      A few days before he died, I told him that if he needed to go he could (because I didn’t want him staying just for me). Within a week I was taking him to the vet. Came home one day and he was dragging one of his back legs when he walked–it was Saturday but the vet took us in–while I waited, I looked up his symptoms and was pretty certain I wouldn’t be bringing him home…. Because of covid regs, I couldn’t go in while they examined him. They called after they’d looked at him–I was waiting outside in my car–and the vet said they could keep him comfortable for a few more days if I wanted to take him home but he’d lost muscle mass and it would only get worse–it was related to the kidney disease. I declined–that wouldn’t have been for him, it would’ve been for me (and selfish) and he f*cking hated going in the car, why would I stress him out for that.

      I was allowed in to be with him when they put him down. I cried while on the phone with vet and was teary when I was with him….but after, I felt sad but okay, I knew I’d done the right thing for him. I still miss him and honestly, am not sure if I’ll get another cat any time soon. He was just the sweetest boy–in the 18 years I had him, he rarely growled or hissed at anyone/anything. Just a very loving cat. I live with my sister and she has two cats-got the most recent one in the fall as he needed to be re-homed. So, I still have cats around and I’ll be sad when they go (both are around 10), but it’s not the same when it’s the cat you own/are owned by.

    15. LuJessMin*

      My girl Minnie is 18 years old and still going strong. I think she might have a touch of kitty dementia (she howls at night if she can’t find me). My boy Jesse is 17 and pretty much just eats, poops, and sleeps.

  50. Liz Lemon*

    Anyone have any tips for surviving moving back home as an adult?

    Fiance and I (both early 30s) are temporarily living with his parents while saving for a down payment and other financial goals. There is no set end date yet but hopefully by the summer, we will be in our own place. It’s been six or seven months and I am slowly losing my mind. The house is small and cluttered, so we are mostly confined to our bedroom, which is also crammed full of our stuff. We got a storage unit for our larger items and have tried to be as neat as possible but two adult humans were just not meant to share a 10×10 space for this long of a period. I also work from home a couple of days a week so my work setup is in the bedroom.

    Fiance lived with his parents while in college so this is hardly his first rodeo, but I have not lived under anyone else’s authority (parental or otherwise) since I was 17. I’m respectful and always very gracious and helpful but I can’t take the constant questioning, the constant demands to know where I am going and when I’ll be back. I cannot even sit quietly at my desk, reading or working or doing something inane, without being asked if I’m ok and what’s wrong and what am I doing. I’m obviously grateful they are letting us live here– renting was doing a lot of damage to our relationship and mental health overall, due to bad management and noisy neighbors and so many other issues. His parents seem to be struggling with how to treat us just as much as we are struggling with how to interact with them.

    1. fposte*

      Ah, that’s a tough one for everybody. If there’s no end date, is there an end metric of some kind? For me that would be crucial–we’re staying twelve months or $1200 in savings, that kind of thing. Otherwise this feels less temporary and more permanent with a maybe later.

      You say they’re asking you stuff while you’re at your desk. Does that mean they’re opening a closed door? If the door is open, is there something you can do *like* a closed door–a nori or bead curtain or something–to make you less visible outside the room and less subject to inquiry? I think having some kind of no-go area or time is key, and it sounds like you don’t have that right now.

      And has there been any explicit conversation about any of this? Conversations aren’t magic, but they give people something to go on. Maybe they’re worriedly trying to host and would be happy to know they could go off the hospitality clock a lot of the time.

      1. fposte*

        Saw your response below. Opening the closed door is a yikes; if you haven’t convinced them to stop that, they’re going to be tough to reason with (I mean, do they not want grandchildren?). I’d consider concrete action in the form of a door wedge. You’ll have to do the through-the-bathroom-door-type yell (“Busy now–I’ll see you at dinner”), and you’ll have to consider if this will be a nuclear bomb to them.

    2. fueled by coffee*

      I’m seeing two problems here:

      1. Being stuck in a tight space (living + WFH) with an apartment’s worth of stuff in what sounds like a (pretty small) bedroom.

      2. Your in-laws treating you like a teenager rather than a 30-something adult, which is probably especially annoying because you’re not their child.

      And, of course, both of these things contributing to you feeling stifled and constantly monitored.

      For issue #2, I think you’re going to have to lay down some boundaries. You can absolutely be grateful that your in-laws are letting you stay with them while also expecting them to respect your right to privacy! It’s perfectly reasonable to ask them not to disturb you when you’re at your desk/in your room. As for the questions about your whereabouts, I’d distinguish whether they’re asking you for a reason (i.e., planning whether you’ll be joining them for dinner or if they should eat without you, or seeing whether you can pick up a carton of eggs on your way home) or if they’re just being curious/nosy. If most of their requests seem to have actual reasons behind them, I’d ask them to just be clearer about those reasons, instead of asking you for a detailed accounting of your whereabouts. You can also say something like “I always bring my phone with me, so if something does come up you can always just text me.”

      In both cases, I’d only give as much information as is necessary for them, so: “Oh, I’m just running some errands. I’ll be back this afternoon.” You don’t need to give a step by step justification of what you’re doing. But it’s also reasonable for you to ask them (politely!) to cut it out. I also wonder whether they’d be more receptive to this coming from your fiance (their son), who can frame it as “Liz isn’t used to this kind of dynamic” rather than making it seem like something personal about them.

      2. Daffodilly*

        I’ve been the parent having adult kids live at home, and while I never opened closed doors, I did ask questions about when & where to expect people.
        Sometimes to know how many to feed at dinner. Sometimes to know if they were staying out all night or if they would be coming in during the night. Sometimes to know if it was safe to park where they usually do while I load up garden debris to shorten the distance I needed to carry.
        And sometimes, they would ask me questions like that, for similar reasons.
        IMO it’s fine to have conversations like that when you live together. It’s just coordination/conversation. Asking when someone will be back is not the same as giving someone a curfew or treating them like a child.

        1. My Brain Is Exploding*

          I agree with this; it can be odd if you aren’t used to it. I think the difference here is that one doesn’t necessarily ask/tell ROOMMATES where they are going, etc. But people will ask/tell FAMILY where they are going…like, you tell your partner, right? I have been the adult child living at home and also had adult children living at home, and this has always been the case. Even now, when visiting the in-laws, we don’t just go out and say “see you later,” we tell them we are going to visit our friends from college or run some errands or whatever.
          But nix on opening the closed door!!

        2. Falling Diphthong*

          One of my children is on another continent and I’m fine with phone calls every week or two. But when she’s home, I expect to know roughly where she is and when she will return just for logistics. How many people am I feeding? When does your lack of return indicate I should worry?

          Similarly my husband used to do a lot of international business travel, and I didn’t expect to hear from him constantly. But when he’s not traveling he lets me know when he’ll be home, if he’s running late, etc. My expectations of knowing where family members are are far, far higher when they live with me.

  51. Liz Lemon*

    We are getting married in two months and then immediately starting the process of looking for a house, so I think that is my end metric. We are passively looking right now but will soon start getting pre-approvals and all that stuff.

    Yes, they are opening the closed bedroom door. They knock while opening the door. They knock, I say I am busy, they still open the door.

    There hasn’t been an explicit conversation but my fiance has talked to them recently about giving us space, how we are both exhausted between work and other commitments and like to be on our own in the evenings. Trying to set up any kind of healthy boundary has just resulted in more questioning.

    2. fueled by coffee*

      Oh, just saw this. Yeah, opening the closed door to your *bedroom* sounds really annoying, especially when you say that you’re busy! Any chance the door has a lock? (I’m not kidding. It’s your bedroom! What if you’re changing? This would drive me absolutely bananas.)

    3. Not A Manager*

      Immediately upon going into your bedroom, close the door and remove all your clothes. I predict that they will only open that door one more time.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      “hmm. It feels like I am really not answering your questions. So tell me, what would you like us to actually talk about? What weighs heavy on your mind? We can talk about whatever you’d like to talk about.”

      It’s okay to point out patterns, “You guys ask me a lot of questions. Am I answering the questions you want me to answer?”

    5. Batgirl*

      We’ve just done this for quite a few years and it’s tough, although we were both with our own family rather than both with his. What worked for us:
      – Setting up regular times where it’s just us, out of the house. This can be as simple as walking around a shop and then getting some coffee.
      -My sibling came home with her kids and dogs towards the end of my stay, which is when I found a fancy gym to get ready at in the mornings and have breakfast. It was bliss. It also helped when moving that I already had all my morning gear in kit form.
      – Downsize everything. I read all the blogs on living out of a suitcase like a traveller. Also helped with moving, and I wish I had got rid of even more stuff.
      – Information diet for (his) intrusive and boundary pushing mum. She meant well but got anxious easily and was in constant question mode. We agreed together what we would tell her and if it would be helpful versus generating more questions.
      – Rubber door wedge or rolling my suitcase in front of the door to stop his mother walking in when I stayed over. “Oh I do that when I’m getting dressed! It’s a habit from uni. Forgot to move it” or “I’m getting dressed! I should be down in half in hour if you need me”. She had no idea how to treat me like a roommate having never had one and was constantly trying to involve me as family, so I was kind.
      – Don’t wait to be chased. Make overtures to your family people. Go see them and have ten minutes of conversation when you come home. Tell them what your evening plans are and if you need to “lock myself away until this is done”. Give them harmless snippets of info, like weather, traffic, etc. Have a family dinner occasionally maybe on a certain weeknight. A show you all like to watch together can be a godsend.

  52. anonforthis*

    Does anyone in their thirties or older find themselves getting weirdly judged on being “immature” simply because they like doing the same activities they did in their twenties?

    I’m 29 but will turn 30 in a few months. I’m u younger than my friends, who are all either 30 or 31. They are also all coupled up while I’m still single (but actively dating). For some reason some of my friends interpret being in their 30 as no longer being interested in activities that involve them leaving their houses. Like, they will like playing board games and watching Netflix and cooking, but going salsa dancing and hiking are considered a thing they did “when they were young”. To be fair, I think it’s really one couple that mostly embodies this outlook but since I interact with them a lot I hear these comments frequently. They expressed genuine surprise that I went on a hiking trip with my 41 yo cousin because “gasp! She’s 41!” I had to remind them that people in their 50s and older go hiking all the time – it’s not a big deal. My other coupled up friends aren’t total hermits, but also lead less “active” lifestyles than me.

    I’ve also been criticized for continuing to wear crop tops past 25.

    I’m just so confused! I knew turning 30 as a woman would be weird, but not THIS weird. Who makes up these rules??

    1. Opinions, I've had a few*

      I’m an avid gamer and in my mid-40’s and I get some side eye from people my age. I also enjoy cosplay, anime, cartoons, and a bunch of things that a lot of my friends in their 30’s, 40’s, and above who don’t get it. I also still dress very 90’s (Docs, dresses, funky tights, colored hair, piercings, tattoos, etc) and some of my friends comment on why I’m not wearing Lulumon and Keens.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      It’s not rules. They are surprised you have energy to anything other than work. By the time I was into my 40s I would chose an at-home-night over just about anything else. That fatigue is real.

      1. anonforthis*

        I have 9-5 job and work full time, but I spent a lot of my school years working double the amount I do now because I always juggled at least 2 part time jobs with school. I guess my current schedule feels a lot lighter than what I was used to, especially now that I’m working from home.

        1. allathian*

          Yeah, when I was in my mid-20s I got my Master’s degree, and worked retail 20 hours/week, and still had both time and energy to party until the nightclubs closed at 4 am at least every other weekend, often including a wait for the first commuter train at 5 am, if I didn’t have the funds for a cab. I sigh with exhaustion just at the idea of doing that now. If I go out to dinner on Friday night so that I’m home before midnight, I’ll stay in bed or rest on the couch for most of the day on Saturday, and I’m absolutely not up for any socializing until Sunday evening at the earliest.

    3. M*

      I suspect they might be tying a personal preference to age. Like, they never really liked going out that much or hiking and that’s more acceptable when you’re partnered and/or 30, 40 etc (laundry and I’m tired are valid excuses, lol), so they’re unconsciously using that as a universal rule. I never really liked parties, and now I don’t go because I have a little kid and it’s just a hassle and not worth it when I’ll be up at 6 the next morning. And sometimes I catch myself thinking that friends who enjoy that are just young, when really it’s just my personal preference that happens to align with my life stage/age, so to speak. Does that make sense?

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        “Ha ha everyone is like this…. goldarnit, do NOT mess with my mental image of how I am normal and this is normal and everyone feels this way.”

    4. Seascape*

      I’m constantly being told I’m immature. I live for live music, so I’m out and about as much possible (pandemic aside).

      There’s also a tinge of “you only have time/energy for fun because you’re childfree” in the mix, in my case. People expect you to follow The Lifescript and push back hard when you don’t. CF life in your 30s-50s is very much like pre-parent life in your 20s.

      1. anonforthis*

        Yes and live music! Something else my current friends don’t care for. None of my friends have kids (although a couple of them are planning for them), so I don’t think it’s that but it might be. I have no desire to have kids at all, anyway.

    5. Angstrom*

      That sounds strange to me. Where we live, people hike/bike/ski from childhood to well into retirement and it’s considered perfectly normal. The town I grew up in has a lighthearted “Over the hill hikers” club specifically for elderly hikers.

      You be you. Do the things you enjoy, keep trying new things, and have adventures. It beats the heck out of sitting and rusting.

      1. Sleepless*

        Seriously! I’m in my mid 50s and an avid day hiker, and the hikers I see both in hiking groups and that I meet on the trail are frequently in their 50s to 60s. I think your friends are just clueless.

    6. twocents*

      I think it says something about those people, honestly. I’ve personally gotten more active as I’ve gotten older, if for no other reason than because it gets clearer how much your strength, heart health, and mobility are dependent on you actively maintaining it.

      Dancing and hiking don’t strike me as inherently “young people” things. I know tons of people who have taken up hiking in their 50s or later.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, and my MIL and her husband used to go ballroom dancing on their dates, and they met in their 60s at the singles club of their parish, where women outnumbered men by ten to one…

        1. banoffee pie*

          I wouldn’t neccessarily agree that hiking is a ‘young person’ thing. I thought hiking/rambling was actually a bit of a cliche hobby for ‘older’ people, since so many of them do it.
          OP might just be unlucky they happen to know a few people who think everyone should change hobbies at 30, and they’re pushing the narrative that everyone agrees. Some people will do this if you’re not careful.
          I know plenty of people in their 60’s still playing tennis (and they are still trying their best to beat me haha) so I would try not to listen to these friends too much. They also might not mean these comments as seriously as you think. Some people talk off the top of their head and then they’re like ‘what?? what did I say? Did I upset you?’

          1. anonforthis*

            Fwiw I live on the East Coast. I know stuff like hiking is more popular on the west coast. So maybe it’s cultural? And for some clarification regarding tone, they’re not aggressively saying I shouldn’t be doing this stuff. Their comments are more offhand/careless, more like they are surprised rather than disapproving. But I still find the surprise (as well as the fact that they’ve made comments more than once) a little off putting. I also had no intentions of stopping or changing my behavior due to these comments. It’s more like a slightly annoying thing that has presented itself enough times to grow to being more annoying.

    7. Dark Macadamia*

      These examples sound to me like they either have less time/energy for those activities, or they never liked them that much and have become more comfortable with expressing that. Maybe they used to feel pressure to go out and be “fun/cool” but it’s not worth it anymore? They definitely shouldn’t assume their feelings are universal or make people feel bad for continuing to have (what they consider) a “youthful” lifestyle! Some of the most active people I know (biking, concerts, etc) are in their 60s. I’m in my 30s and still enjoy the same activities I always did, which include “old” hobbies like sewing and “young” (apparently???) hobbies like hiking. I feel very old when people talk about clubbing but I didn’t like that in my 20s either, and the people I know who do it are also in their 30s.

      I feel like it’s common for some women to dress more conservative/comfy as they get older because of how their bodies change, especially if they have kids, but that’s become a kind of body-shaming thing where external value gets assigned to certain clothes and who is allowed to wear them. Like “older women don’t wear crop tops as often as younger women” becomes “older women can’t/shouldn’t wear crop tops, and I am going to judge them for it and also the younger women, just for fun”

    9. PollyQ*

      I’ve long believed that there’s nothing more immature than judging other people’s taste in hobbies or clothing as somehow “immature.”

      But as a point of fact, many, many, MANY 30, 40, 50, and even 60-somethings still hike, dance, listen to loud music, wear skimpy clothing, read comics, go to cafes, etc., etc., etc. RagingADHD is right — your friends are weird in their opinions and wrong to judge regardless.

    10. Double A*

      With two young kids plus the pandemic, I’m not doing things like hiking and rock climbing and going out to see music and sing karaoke as much as I would like, or at all, depending on the activity. But I am definitely planning on this just being a phase of life pause, not that I’m now too mature for those things! If anything a big reason I wanted to have kids was to share these pleasures with them. Because what better way to reconnect with your beloved hobbies than to drag a whining tween to it, amirite?? Lol. But seriously, I will try to get my kids to do a lot of that stuff with me and if they won’t I hope I’ll figure out how to keep doing it anyway.

      The best part of getting older is to just unapologetically embrace the stuff you love to do without caring what other people think. Other people who are judgey about you not unquestioningly following some script are boring and rude.

    11. Anona*

      This could be a function of coupledom. It’s easier for some folks to stay in as a couple, because they have automatic company. Just something I’ve observed in myself and some of my other coupled friends.

    12. matcha123*

      I think some people lean heavily into The Lifescript and see segments of life as cut off from each other and with specific roles…
      20s: Date wildly in college while majoring in STEM or marketing, meet the partner of your dreams, get married by 28.

      30s: Buy your dream home at age 31, have 2.4 kids by age 32, have 2 million in a savings account. Remind everyone that you were so foolish as a 20-something, but now you are mature.

      40s: Divorce and write articles for Scary Mommy. Advise younger people to skip kids and marriage, it’s not for everyone and your ex-partner’s farts smell.

      50s: You don’t exist.

      60s: You’ve made it to early retirement at 60. Now you can smugly tell everyone it was worth it.

      70s: Death. No one lives beyond 65, there is no world. If you managed to make it this far you have grand and great grand children. Your own children are in therapy for anxiety brought on by your denying them a real pony as a pet when they were six.

      /s

      But, as someone in her now (sigh) late 30s, my suggestion is to do what makes you happy. The people who try to paint me as immature for not having kids become very quiet after I go into detail about the many responsibilities I had when I was growing up. Personally, I find judging what people do based on their age a sign of immaturity, but whatever.

    13. Koala dreams*

      Your friends are weird. Hobbies like hiking or dancing don’t have age limits. In my social circles, hiking is popular among parents with small (not teenage) children, and older people with or without adult children. (Not that it would be weird if you don’t follow that pattern.)

      That being said, I sometimes encounter people with very rigid ideas of hobbies and age, often based on media depictions or limited experience (my grandma did X, so X is only for old people).

    15. mreasy*

      This seems awful honestly – you should do the things you like to do. Regardless, this is by no means a cultural norm, just sounds like you have some friends who do things a specific way and are judging those who don’t. People go to clubs and on hikes (???) and concerts and dancing for their entire lives!

    16. mreasy*

      omg just noticed the crop tops comment. They are extremely in fashion right now! Why are these friends so weird and critical of you? Please don’t let them deter you from doing what you like! Consider pushing back at their statements or maybe hanging out with them less!

    17. Anima*

      I’m 34, in applied science university and my people there are a good 10-15 years younger than me. We still connect over anime. That’s a hobby that is regarded “immature”. I just don’t care. I’m to old to care. ;)
      Hiking is so not a hobby for young people, everyone and their dog likes to go hiking were I live, I don’t understand, too!
      I can get behind crop tops being for young people, but that is personal preference. Your friends indeed seem to put expectations on you out of personal preference!

    18. RagingADHD*

      Thinking about this more, there are folks who do lots of activities when they are single, specifically because they are looking to meet “the one.” Then when they partner up, they’d rather stay home with their favorite person.

      I don’t think that part is wierd. The wierd part is thinking that it’s about age or maturity instead of just being their own type of relationship or personality.

      1. anonforthis*

        I mean, I know a lot of couples who still socialize and do activities. I guess this is giving me a good idea of what I don’t want in a partnership.

    19. overeducated*

      This is very weird. I feel like my friends have kind of leaned into “youthful” interests like gaming in our 30s, work/life situations allowing. We’re grownups! We do what we want! But I’ve also never heard anyone identify hiking as something for young people. It’s often slow and low impact! I think of it as probably most popular among middle aged people, though not sure if it’s true statistically. Your friends just sound not very fun.

    20. Workerbee*

      It’s marketing. We are told/shown/inveigled into believing from practically before we were a glint in papa’s eye that our currency is youth, and a very specific presentation of youth at that. We are made to feel Less Than along the way so that we are rife with insecurities about achieving and retaining this apparently laughably brief window of time, monstrously paired with messaging that after a certain calendar age, you can no longer do A, B, and C, but instead must do D, E, and F, or else!

      And oh, by the way, any step along this journey will cost you time, money, and energy. Getting the “appropriate” clothes for each age, getting that Swimsuit For Every Body guide that only ends up trying to squeeze you into the sole accepted shape for other people to look at, assuring you that 90 is the new 50!!! —but only if you do and acquire this list of things with price tags. Because god forbid you show one iota of having lived, ever.

      Bah!! Ask your friends when you should hold the wake for them, since they obviously are all prepared to die any second.

      2. Batgirl*

        This is so true, and I think we make young people miserable by telling them to live A Very Specific Life “while you’re young”, and also by making people feel they are Past Being Valuable or Unbelievable as a Protagonist, if they’ve not got the weight or face of a teenager or if they’re not indulging in very specific pastimes.

        1. anonforthis*

          The annoying thing is, when I was in my early twenties, I was too broke to enjoy a lot of the stereotypical “twenty something” activities. I couldn’t afford to go out, eat and drink out, take classes, or a lot of activities that required money. Now I actually have the financial stability to enjoy my life and am getting judged for it!

    21. Girasol*

      The rules are that when you’re a little kid you should act grown up and when you’re grown up you should act mature until you’re finally mature and you should act your age, even though you’d give anything to be the kid you tried so hard not to be. Don’t listen to the rules. People who judge you by them are just venting their jealousy that your life looks more interesting than theirs.

    22. Angstrom*

      To be fair, some people think outdoor sports are more extreme than they are because of the way they are marketed. Mountain biking, for example: the promotional videos are all young guys going off huge jumps or down insane descents. What I actually see around here is families enjoying a ride on nice woods trails. When you say “hiking” they may envision something like through-hiking the AT instead of a nice day hike.

  53. Alex*

    Looking for new and exciting things to do with winter squash! I have a CSA and have so much squash it barely fits in my house.

    I’ve roasted it in the oven, made soup, made muffins (like pumpkin muffins), but am interested in new ideas. Squash of all types–acorn and its cousins, butternut, pumpkin, spaghetti, etc.–available! Lol.

    1. Pam Adams*

      We make latkes- “potato” pancakes- out of shredded zucchini. I think spaghetti squash would have a similar vibe.

      2. Alex*

        Oh interesting! As of right now spaghetti squash is my least fav so I’m interested in finding something I’ll like, thanks!

      3. Ali G*

        I make spaghetti squash casserole. The Kitchn has a decent recipe. I use leftover chicken, you can basically add any veggies you have on hand (if they are wet, maybe saute them first), top with cheese and bake. It’s pretty wet in the beginning so it needs to cook a bit to not be soupy.

    2. LNLN*

      I found a butternut squash galette recipe on the internet. I roast the squash, use feta cheese, replace the leeks with sautéed onions. Just had it last night for dinner!

      1. Alex*

        Oh wow, I’ve never made a galette. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten one! I’m finding recipes for ones with squash and caramelized onions, which seems to be what you discovered. Thanks!

        1. Alaska_Blue*

          Just what I was going to recommend. I made smitten kitchen’s caramelized onion and butternut squash galette yesterday. It’s a fall favorite and reheats very well!

    3. Reba*

      What about whole squash stuffed with rice and stuff? the Youtube channel Middle Eats (which I find super charming) recently posted a method for pumpkin or other hard squash that I’m looking forward to trying soon. It looks like a wonderful centerpiece of a dish. I’ve also seen recipes for Persian, Armenian and probably other versions of this idea.

      1. Alex*

        That’s so interesting because I thought winter squash was very American. But I love the flavors from that part of the world so I’ll check it out.

    4. Generic Name*

      Substitute spaghetti squash for anything you’d make spaghetti with. My personal favorite is spaghetti squash carbonara. Dumping a jar of ready made marinara sauce over roasted spaghetti squash is good too.

    5. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      The Afghani pumpkin/squash recipe called kadu or kaddo is really good. Sometimes my parents do a twist on it by seasoning ground beef with the spices for kadu and and serving it over chunks of cooked pumpkin. You could also do other sauces served on top of squash like it’s rice or pasta.

      Simple but yummy: bake acorn squash, fill with cooked sausage crumbles, applesauce and raisins. This was a weeknight classic growing up.

      I also did a butternut squash lasagna one time. It was extremely delicious, but too much work for every day. If you need a fancy occasion dish, though, I highly recommend it. Or just make the butternut squash sauce part and serve it over noodles.

      And you should make at least one pie.

    6. ronda*

      mom always made acorn squash cut in half with butter and brown sugar in the middle. bake. yum.

      use spaghetti squash as spaghetti… put whatever spaghetti sauce you like on it.

      Thai restaurant has a pumpkin curry. cubed hard squash goes nice in a curry.

      I like to add some nuts to a squash dish, gives you some different texture. mostly thinking like a topping on sweet potato casserole, but can also put some in with roasted cubes of squash.

    7. CatCat*

      I like to make delicata squash into “pizza boats.” Fill with a hearty pizza sauce (I add lots of veggies), sprinkle with cheese, and bake.

    9. Bobina*

      Make chutney with it! I saw you say you liked Middle East flavours, so there is a recipe from BBC Good Food for a Middle Eastern (not sure how authentic though) Spicy Squash and Apple chutney.

      Also saw recipes for squash chilli which I think would be an easy one too (and as a bonus, can probably be frozen for a few months from now when you are less tired of eating squash all the time).

    10. Purt’s Peas*

      Brown butter & sage pasta with squash! I cubed some acorn squash small (less than half an inch) and roasted it. Then browned like almost a full stick of butter, cooked a little garlic and sage in it for a minute, then tossed in my pasta, squash cubes, and a skoosh of pasta water.

      It was really simple and so so good. Tasted like being at a restaurant.

    11. Wrench Turner*

      Squash gnocchi, if not suggested yet, is a difficult but delightful thing to make. Good luck. I have the same problem but with 15lb pumpkins from my garden.

    12. Falling Diphthong*

      Smitten Kitchen has a really nice squash-spinach-grain casserole in the recent recipes.

    14. RagingADHD*

      You can “hide” pureed winter squash in cheesy or tomatoey sauces (like mac n cheese or bolognaise) to stretch them and get more veggies in your meal.

    15. Lore*

      I have two absolute favorite butternut recipes that I’m sure would work with acorn as well. Delicata cooks faster so maybe adjust times. Squash soup is also delicious. (I like this chowder but haven’t made in years: https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/4242-spicy-squash-apple-chowder?smid=ck-recipe-iOS-share)

      https://www.thekitchn.com/a-side-dish-recipe-for-roast-chicken-balsamic-butternut-saut-with-parmigiano-shards-pick-a-side-from-tara-mataraza-desmond-195791

      https://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/butternut-squash-gratin-with-rosemary-breadcrumbs-104303

    16. Fellow Traveller*

      I like eating roast squash in a massaged kale salad. I cube it, roast it at 425 until soft. And then just keep it in the fridge. One of my favorite combos is massaged kale, roast butternut squash, pepitas, dried cranberries, and cheese (chedder or feta). Dressed with a dijon vinegrette.

    17. overeducated*

      Lately we are into roasting hard winter squashes with yogurt sauce. Meera Sodha has a recipe for a squash and tomato curry that is good with a yogurt garlic raita and we also just roast it with salt and pepper and serve with a cilantro chutney, yogurt thinned with vinegar, salt, and sugar, and sometimes chickpeas roasted or fried with chaat masala. Serve on naan, rice, or salad greens.

    18. Redhairredrunner*

      You can make lasagna and mac and cheese with butternut squash. In fact the only lasagna I like is butternut squash lasagna.

  54. beentheredonethat*

    I love reading blogs and odd websites
    I read lowering the bar, atlas obscura, captain akward..
    calendars Shakespeare insults, forgotten words, atlas obscura places
    Suggestions for other strange unknown places and things?

    1. anon24*

      I like reading all that’s interesting. It is a collection of weird news, true crime, history, etc. I’ve learned some fascinating things!

    2. GoryDetails*

      I’m fond of The History Blog ( http://www.thehistoryblog.com/ ), which has daily posts about some historical incident/discovery/sale that’s in the news. Topics range from hoards of gold turned up by a plow, ancient mummies released by thawing glaciers, notable discoveries (I learned about the finding of Richard III’s remains and the discovery of the lost Franklin ships through this site), and more.

    3. PollyQ*

      awfullibrarybooks (dot net) is a site run by librarians who come across odd old books in their libraries in the course of weeding the collection. They aren’t necessarily awful — some of them have just seen their day — but they’re often a glimpse into past decades, and almost always interesting in that way.

    4. NeonFireworks*

      Damn Interesting favors quality over quantity but they have a huge back catalogue and everything new gets podcasted. Their own content only gets updated about once a month but they have a big selection of interesting links throughout the day almost every day.

    5. Bob Howard*

      Strongly reccomend “A Collection of Unmitigated Pedantry” (https://acoup.blog/). History with a focus on the people too busy actually producing food & fabrics to leave much written record. Much other good stuff there too, such as a forensic take-down of any claims to historical accuracy in the Game of Thrones series.

  55. Trinity*

    Any advice for helping a dehydrated cat? She likes drinking from cups so I’ve filled some up and left them around the apartment. I also switched her to wet food and ordered a bubbling drinking fountain. Anything I’m missing?

    1. Meow*

      She might need a checkup. The folks at your vet can probably tell you over the phone whether to bring her in.

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Perhaps some sodium free broth? I had an elderly girl who preferred her wet food very wet, so we added chicken broth to it. The brand Pacific makes a low sodium chicken broth that comes in 8 oz cartons (4 cartons to a pack). I used to buy it at Target, but it’s also available on Amazon.

    3. cat socks*

      I add water to the wet food and mix it up so it’s kind of soupy. Agree with the suggestion to check with the vet. It may be good to get bloodwork to check her thyroid and kidney levels. If she is very dehydrated, they may recommend subcutaneous fluids. The vet can show you how to do it and it’s something that can be done at home, if needed.

      1. mreasy*

        Seconding this, add a tablespoon or two of water to the wet food. Leaving water around like you’re doing is great too.

    4. tangerineRose*

      Your kitty might like it if you mix food and water together sometimes. One of my kitties likes it when, after I give her Sheba cat food (they get various brands), I put water in the Sheba container (since it’s small and plastic).

    5. Flower necklace*

      I second the suggestion to add water to her wet food. I do that for my cat. He actually hates it when his wet food is soupy but he’ll lick the water off a spoon, so I do that a few times a day to make sure he’s getting enough water.

    7. Cj*

      If she’s severely dehydrated, she might need Sub-Q fluids. I did this with two cats in my life. One laid there and purred the whole time, the other got so upset that I quit trying, and instead tried to type of things you are with yours.

      1. Flower necklace*

        My cat wouldn’t let me do the Sub-Q fluids, either. He fought so much I was afraid that I would hurt him. The vet suggested that I try putting him in his cat carrier and doing it in the car, because he gets tense and still away from home. But if I have to go through all that trouble, anyway, I’d rather just take him to the vet and pay $10 for them to do it.

    8. The Dogman*

      I think a vets check is needed. Excessive thirst in cats is a symptom of several more serious issues, probably kidney based.

      Good luck!

  56. Prep Ideas*

    Any tips to prep for gallbladder removal? I’m having it this week.

    I’ve already bought silicone scar gel, anything else I should do or get?

    1. Joie De Vivre*

      Not really prep, but looses clothes to wear home. I didn’t want any pressure on my stomach afterwards.

      Also, most people don’t throw up after getting their gallbladder removed. A day or so later I did. I found that holding a pillow against my stomach helped lesson the pain.

    2. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      Get a pair of old-fashioned men’s overalls like farmers wear. No waistband and lots of room in that area, great with thermal or flannel shirts. I had a uh every in that neighborhood a few years ago and it’s the one thing I wish I’d had.

    3. A Wall*

      I had a different kind of laparoscopic surgery a few years ago, and it’s shockingly easy to recover from compared to most things. My top tips:

      -The pillow press into your abdomen if you’re coughing, sneezing, laughing, etc to keep it from hurting does work.
      -One of the nurses told me very seriously to take stool softeners afterwards even if I didn’t think I needed them. She was 100% right, best advice I got about the whole thing.
      -I prefer the scar sheets to the gel since they aren’t as messy, but the gel absolutely works. Wait until the incisions are completely closed, though.
      -They didn’t tell me to do this but I put very large bandaids (the ones that are like 2″ wide) over my incisions while they were healing so that my clothes didn’t rub over the top of them, which kinda freaked me out. If yours are sensitive you can do that, just make sure they stay clean & dry & you don’t apply them very tightly.

      And my general surgery advice: Tell the anesthesiologist any concerns you have when you meet them before the surgery. They have a lot of control over what drugs they can give you in that IV based on what you need! For ex, I always tell them that I am most afraid of postoperative nausea, and they can layer in some additional meds for that.

      Last time I told the guy, hey, I always feel very fatigued and sad for days after surgery, is there anything you can change in the anesthesia itself to prevent that? He thought about it and asked some questions and eventually concluded that he thought I don’t respond well to benzodiazepines, which are often given at the beginning. He said he wouldn’t give me any that time and that if I felt ok later then I knew to ask any future anesthesiologists to not give me any, and sure enough I felt great afterwards that time. So any future anesthesiologists, I can tell them not to give me benzos. Folks often don’t realize they can ask the anesthesiologist for stuff like that! You can, and IME they’re very happy to try to help.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      • A pillow for under the seat belt on the ride home. (And any rides back to check your healing.)
      • It really helped that I knew which local pharmacies (two different small family-run independents, one by my grocery store and one near PT) had surgical recovery stuff like giant bandages.
      • If you can’t shower for a while, the disposable washcloths that you can heat in the microwave. Wet wipes are really, really not the same.

    5. the cat's ass*

      if it’s arthroscopic, it should be a breeze. The little stab woulds were covered with the crazy glue stuff they use so i had no scarring. The weirdest thing for me was waking up in the recovery room with shoulder pain! They blow you full of gas to freely mobilize your gall bladder and the gas then rises and can irritate your phrenic nerve under your diaphragm, which refers to your shoulders. The more i got up and walked, the better it got. the Doc gave me 30 Vicodin and i used about 5.

      The only thing that was a bit of an adjustment was diarrhea after eating fatty foods. Like, within 15 minutes. I know where every public bathroom in my town is and I still can’t eat falafel! Good luck with your surgery!

  57. Formerly good credit*

    How do you fight to get a collections account off your credit if the bill was real, but shouldn’t have been sent to collections?

    I moved and closed a utility account. Only they didn’t close it on the right date, so my final bill had what I owed + a bunch more I didn’t owe. When I found out I asked them to fix it, tl;dr they verified that it was their mistake and they would fix the bill, but it could take 30-60 days for me to get the new, correct bill. They told me not to pay it in the meantime, and to cancel my autopay so I wouldn’t be charged an incorrect amount. I asked them directly if it was really safe for me to not pay because I didn’t want to be sent to collections, and they assured me my account would be suspended until a new bill was generated and that I would be contacted about that, so I was in no danger.

    Well, they apparently immediately generated a new bill. The problem is that their system decided that the date the new bill was generated was the date the bill was due, and I got sent to collections when the system thought I was 60+ days delinquent in paying, which is when their policy allows them to consider sending someone to collections. Only it wasn’t 60 days delinquent! And I didn’t realize anything was amiss because they had said it would be many weeks before I saw a new bill.

    So I got a notice from the collections agency and contacted the utility company to ask what the hell, and the (very sympathetic and helpful) customer service person and I figured out the above. She tried to get multiple different supervisors to help me by having the utility company contact the collections agency and make sure it didn’t get put on my credit report, and they all said “we can’t do anything, she has to settle it with the collections agency directly.” Which is BS, they can (AND SHOULD) be contacting the collections agency to tell them it was their error and I shouldn’t have been sent to collections. The CS person put in a request to have someone do that, but she was not optimistic that anyone would do it and she wasn’t allowed to do it herself.

    She also told me that even if my account was 60 days delinquent, it was extremely weird for them to have instantly sent me to collections as there is a whole process of contacting a person in different ways that they’re usually supposed to do before they jump to that. Annnd she told me that the guy who told me not to pay needed to mark my account as in repayment for me to be safe from collections while the bill was being fixed, which he didn’t do. She was pretty incredulous at all the mistakes that had been made and very frustrated that no one she talked to would fix it with collections for me. I paid the bill while I was talking to her, also, so I don’t owe anything anymore.

    Of course, I noticed this on Friday afternoon and the collections agency is closed all weekend, so I can’t even see what they say until Monday. And I am loathe to talk to them at all because I assume anything I say to them is a potential liability against me.

    So. What do I do? I need to move soon and need this to not end up on my credit report at all. I know I can dispute the validity of the debt with the collections agency, but does that even apply here? I see that recommended if the bill isn’t legitimate, but my problem is that it was a legitimate bill that they accidentally sent to collections before they should have. I can’t prove they didn’t tell me a new bill was ready, but their policy is to only consider collections after 60 days, and not only was it never 60 days late, it has not even been 60 days since the due date! They need to fix this, but they seem quite insistent that they won’t. I know I can send letters to the credit reporting agencies disputing it, but that might not work, and either way I’ll be screwed about the move in the meantime. Is it a bad idea to call the collections agency on Monday and say “I don’t owe this and it was sent to you in error, keep it off my credit report”? I know I have to also send something in writing, but I was hoping I could at least find out quickly how big of a problem the collections agency might be by talking to them and trying to get them to verify it with the utility company. And, god willing, the notes the last customer service person left on the account might lead it to be cleared up that way.

    1. RagingADHD*

      There is a resource guide at consumerfinance dot gov with sample letters you can send to collections to dispute a debt.

      The collectors are the ones who have to prove you actually owe the money, you don’t have to prove anything. And once you dispute it, they must not take any collections actions until they can prove it.

      There are also resources for dealing with credit reporting agencies.

      1. Formerly good credit*

        Is this an appropriate case for disputing like that? I’ve seen all the advice on how to do it, but not when you should do it. Everything seems to assume that you only dispute if the debt wasn’t ever yours or if you paid it before you were sent to collections, not for a valid bill that was sent to collections too early in error.

        1. RagingADHD*

          You said you paid the bill already. You don’t owe anythung. Therefore nothing now should be in collections.

          If they have to prove what you owe, they will have to go back through the records and discover that it’s paid off.

    2. WS*

      File a notice with the collections agency as a start, then get the utilities company to give you all this information in written form, particularly the due dates and that you currently owe nothing. When you’ve got that letter, pass it on to collections.

    3. BRR*

      See if your state (or city or county) has a utility complaint process. When I’ve had issues in the past and file a complaint with the state, I get a call back from the utility company asap and my issue gets resolved quickly.

    4. Generic Name*

      Just so you know, a single bill being 60 days late won’t destroy your credit. My ex was 2 months late on his car payment (and hadn’t refinanced his car to get me off the loan like he was supposed to), and it did hit my credit, but since it was decently high to begin with, it didn’t really affect my life. I was still able to refinance my house and then get approved for a car loan about a year or two after that.

    5. The Dogman*

      There should a lawyer who will specialise in this sort of thing. Prob worth a consult, lots of lawyers do those for free.

      This could be a simple letter from a lawyer and the issue can be solved by a boss at the utility company.

      If not you are already in touch for suing the utility company.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I’d go the freebie route. Skip paying for a lawyer and go to your state attorney general’s office.

        If you want to write the collection agency, then cc the AG. Be sure to mention in your letter to the collection agency that you are including the AG in this conversation.

        What a bunch of BS, I am sorry you are going through this.

  58. Wrench Turner*

    Major plumbing project update:
    Day 1, Miscommunication to the ground crew and the mature fig tree we were trying to save was totally destroyed.
    Day 2, water shut off, and we exiled to a nearby hotel.
    Day 3, “We ran in to some complications under the house, we must reroute the sewer pipe or the foundation may collapse this direction, that’ll be an extra $3k”.
    Day 4, “we’ve had to improvise shoring up the trenches because your ground is unstable. This may take longer.”
    Day 5 (Sat) I surprised the work crew with hot lunch of pupusas from a local shop and case of beer. Never seen so many muddy smiles. It’s like Christmas.
    Day 6, back home! Water restored! Sleeping in my own bed! The entire left side yard from back fence to front fence is destroyed. Partial inspection on Day 7, Monday (gods, I hope it passes), then resuming work to finish the water/sewer extension and start filling in the dangerous trench before my foundation collapses in the *opposite* direction… Good times.

      1. Wrench Turner*

        It could have been WAY worse. We anticipated the tree destruction and took an assortment of cuttings so hopefully SOMETHING will survive. If not, buy a new Chicago Hardy fig and try again.

        1. fposte*

          I have a Chicago Hardy! I’m thinking about trying to move it because its location has gotten less sunny, and it doesn’t start early enough to get fruit by the end of the growing season anymore. But it was amazing to pick my own fresh figs the years it ripened in time.

      1. Wrench Turner*

        It’s personal policy to treat the hardest/dirtiest workers as good as possible. In my heart there is no such thing as unskilled labor, and these folks literally hold up civilization with their bare hands. Not to say office types don’t work hard, but I know exactly how crap this job is. If I didn’t have to turn wrenches elsewhere, I’d be right there shoveling mud with them all day. I know lunch isn’t the same as giving a big tip, but the job isn’t done yet and I just don’t know if it’s the same people every day. Unless I can put cash in hands, I didn’t want to have to trust the Boss with a stack of bills they could quietly pocket (been on the not-receiving end of that, too).

    3. fposte*

      Oh, no! Was this a sewer line failure? I had one of those and lacked your knowledge and pupusas, but it went okay in the end, if you don’t count the massive expense. Sorry about the fig, though; that’s gotta hurt.

      1. Wrench Turner*

        It wasn’t a failure, exactly. Ultimately we’re adding a bathroom to a detached garage in the back. The 1942 original water/sewer from the street to the house needed capacity upgrades before we ran the extension from the house to the back. In a stunning twist of fate, it was only about 48hrs after we signed the deposit and scheduled to start work that our old water supply pipe suddenly burst on its own. We had 3-4 days of “Where is this water in the yard coming from?… oh no! Wait… OH WELL they’re replacing it anyway!”

        The fig tragedy is not really surprising, sometimes at work I’m the one that isn’t told to not destroy this or that. It’s a bummer but it happens. WITH PLANNING you can absolutely dig up and move established figs, even to large pots. If you’ve got some helpful friends, it may be worth attempting. Or try your hand at cutting/cloning and plant the new ones wherever.

  59. Saltedchocolatechip*

    Only just remembered to check last week’s open post and saw LDN Layabout had responded to one of my book recs asking for more books like Nora Roberta’s Bride Quartet and Inn Boonsboro. Which makes me realize almost none of my other favorite contemporary romances quite hit those notes – most of the ones that are as light have more humor/hijinks (Jennifer Crusie, Meg Cabot). And those Nora Roberts books have a tight focus on circles of friends/family.

    Some of Sarah Morgan’s series set in NYC or I think Maine and VT could fit. Kristan Higgins does too though she has also hit the “problematic favorite” list.

    Anyone have other light contemporary romance favorites with that tight-knit feel?

    1. Max Kitty*

      The Carolina Coast series by T.I. Lowe has some of the same feel.
      Maybe Jasmine Guillory?

      Speaking of the Inn Boonsboro series, I was delighted to find out that there actually is a real-life Inn Boonsboro that you can stay at! Had to book a couple of nights in Boonsboro, Maryland at the end of a trip to the Virginia/Maryland coast. Loved it!

      1. Saltedchocolatechip*

        Yes to Jasmine Guillory!

        And going for a stay at the Inn is on the list to do with my best friend, I’m so jealous! Which room did you stay in?

        1. Max Kitty*

          Nick and Nora. Delightful! Definitely want to go back.

          My DH liked the hotel’s robes so much that we bought him one to take home from the gift shop across the street.

  61. pick me, choose me, validate me*

    My husband has never said that I’m a good mother. It bothers me, and I’ve communicated this to him, and he doesn’t care. He’s extremely quick to critique me though. He is a great parent to our child though, not even in an “oh he helps” way but genuinely taking care of kid.

    I mentioned this in another group, and well, A LOT of comments said that why do I need validation from my husband? Men don’t do anything, be thankful he actually parents etc.

    So….is it wrong to want validation?

    1. SaffyTaffy*

      It’s normal and human to want validation.
      It’s not normal to “not care” when your partner tells you something is important to them. That’s worrisome.

    2. PollyQ*

      No, it’s not wrong to want validation in general, especially from your spouse/co-parent. “He doesn’t care” is a pretty ominous phrase, and it makes me thing that couples counseling might be a very good thing for both of you. Although as Carolyn Hax put it in her chat the other day, there’s a supply chain issue with therapists right now, so that’s easier said than done.

    3. Generic Name*

      No, it’s not wrong to want validation in general and it’s especially not wrong to want validation from the person who voluntarily signed up to love and cherish you for the rest of your life. I’m sure you will get at least one recommendation to read the book about love languages, but frankly I think that book is bullshit. I mean, sure, plenty of people put more weight on physical affection than on saying “I love you”, but is it really that hard to do something simple to make your spouse feel loved when they ask you to? I think it’s interesting that your husband doesn’t care when you’ve told your husband that him saying you’re a good mom is important to you. That’s important information for you to have.

      1. Leaf*

        My takeaway from the Love Languages book was different than yours. The book provides a vocabulary for a couple to discuss what makes each of them feel loved, why, and how to do it better. Since we named our love languages, my spouse and I have gotten a lot better at doing things for each other (acts of service and words of affirmation in particular, for us). It can take some work if your partner’s love language doesn’t come naturally to you, as in our case. But if you’re both willing to put in the effort, this kind of framing makes it much easier to understand what your partner values and adjust your behavior accordingly.

        1. Generic Name*

          Yeah, my view is undoubtedly skewed by my history of domestic violence. I remember someone suggesting I read it so I could figure out what my ex’s love language was so then I could look for how he was showing that he loved me (I concluded that his love language must be quality time because he wanted me to sit across the couch from him as he watched his TV shows). I think your takeaway is closer to what the author intended.

    4. fueled by coffee*

      Speaking extremely out of my depth here, since I have neither a husband nor children:

      Some people aren’t great at giving praise/validation to people who are close to them, especially for things that seem like they should ‘go without saying.’ And it sounds like your husband is also great at parenting.

      BUT. If you’ve told him specifically that this bothers you, and he still can’t figure out how to tell you that you’re a good mother, I think this merits another conversation and possibly something like counseling to work on these communication issues. Parenting is a thankless task, and it’s not unreasonable to want to be recognized for the extremely hard work it takes to raise a child.

      I think it’s sad that our bar for fathers is so low that actual parenting is seen as something to be so exceedingly grateful for that women should overlook our own emotional needs in our relationships if we happen to end up married to a man who, you know, parents.

    5. Not A Manager*

      I’m seeing two issues here. One is that you want a certain kind of validation. The other is that when you tell your husband something is very important to you, “he doesn’t care.”

      How clear and firm have you been with him? Have you specifically said to him, perhaps with a little bit of heat behind it, “I want you to list five ways in which you think I’m a good parent. Do it now”? If he’s able to muster that, even if it takes a bit of strong-arming him to get there, then I think you can bring that back to your normal exchanges. When he criticizes you, you can say to him, “I’m happy to hear that, but I need you to also say one of the good things on your list first.” I know that sounds very artificial, but sometimes these things can be partially addressed by, first, being very clear about what you need, and second, sort of training the person to do it even if they don’t feel it.

      That’s assuming he’s willing to participate for whatever reason. Doing it because he really feels it would be best, but doing it to please you or because you’ll be angry if he doesn’t is not the worst reason in the world.

      But if you’re super clear about what you need, and about specifically how he can provide what you need, and he still doesn’t do it… Then I think you have a much greater problem.

    6. The New Wanderer*

      I don’t think it’s wrong at all. You’re a team and it’s always good to feel like you’re valued by your teammate as much as you value him. But, I also don’t think you’re going to get a sincere validation if you have already asked and he doesn’t see the point. Is there another way that you can feel validated by him without the specific words? Or does the criticism outweigh any behaviors or actions that show he respects your parenting skills?

      He may not see the point of telling you specifically that he thinks you’re a good mother, but he should see the point of limiting his criticism, especially if it is about things that are just differences in styles rather than actual problems. There’s some research on the balance of positive vs negative communications in a relationship. The goal should always be more positives than negatives, by a pretty wide margin. If you feel like you’re only hearing bad stuff, ask him to notice the good stuff.

    7. Observer*

      I mentioned this in another group, and well, A LOT of comments said that why do I need validation from my husband? Men don’t do anything, be thankful he actually parents etc.

      Is this kind of thing typical in this group? Because if it is, I’d suggest getting out. If it’s not typical, know that this reaction is ridiculous.

      Whether or not you should be getting validation from your husband is one issue (which others seem to have addressed.) The other REALLY problematic issue with this though, the total lack of respect for you, for your husband and for men in general.

    8. Leaf*

      I don’t think it’s wrong to want validation from the person closest to you about your effectiveness at doing what might be the most intimate and most difficult thing you’ll ever do. It’s not at all wrong to want to be seen, understood, appreciated, and validated. Have you ever asked him, “Do you think I’m a good mother?” What does he say?

      How appreciative and verbal is he in regards to other things? Does he frequently compliment you (or anyone)? Maybe he’s a “I’d rather show by my actions that I love/appreciate you” type person. Or even a “I don’t need validation so I don’t understand why you do” kind of person. The latter suggests an empathy blind spot. I think that if your overall relationship is a good and strong one, he probably just has not fully understood that his appreciation would mean a lot to you. I suggest having a longer/deeper conversation with him about it.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      So he’s quick with the criticism but there’s no positive commentary?

      The fact that he doesn’t care is irrelevant here, he does not have to care. He just has to say something nice.
      I hope he doesn’t treat the kiddo this way in years to come- all negative and no positive.

      How’s he with other stuff such as your work with finances, house, yard etc?

      Tell him his steady flow of negative commentary is getting tiring. He needs to say positive things to you. Ask him if he appreciates the positive things you tell him. I don’t recommend that you stop telling him nice things because this goes into a slippery slope where couples just start taking turns letting each other down.

      Oh, and I was wondering if he point blank says, “I don’t care” when you talk about this or what he does say.

  62. SaffyTaffy*

    Okay I have an etiquette question. My close friend of several years is easy to be around, very bright and fun, and I like her a lot. She has pretty serious anxiety that manifests in trichotillomania and excoriation, so it’s easy to see when something triggers her because she’ll start the behavior.
    Recently her anxiety has also manifested in loud bursts of laughter, and that’s where I’m having the problem. In the car or sitting near one another, she’ll suddenly go HA! and she’s so loud it actually physically hurts when she does it. In the car especially, it’s like a gunshot. I plug the ear next to her, which is uncomfortable and will eventually be obvious.
    I like this woman a lot and I know I SHOULD tell her, “hey, my ears seem to be sensitive, can you, like, not do that?” But I’m not sure she can help it, and worse I’m afraid this will really hurt her feelings. Who wants to be told their laughter is hurting someone? I used to be bullied about my laugh and it made me stop laughing in public for years.
    What would you do?

    1. WellRed*

      But is it really laughter? Anxiety or not, it sounds unpleasant and startling. If she didn’t have anxiety and startled you into spilling something or whatever, wouldn’t you say something? She probably doesn’t even realize she’s doing it.

      1. SaffyTaffy*

        I guess, WellRed, it’s nervous laughter. It’s nothing like a Tourette’s tic, and she did it more quietly when we were in a restaurant. You’re probably right, and I’ll try saying something gently. I’m scared it’s going to blow up in my face, but the alternative is being resentful and that’s no good.

    2. fposte*

      I would say something next time it happens. “Whoa, that scared me! Would you be able to keep the volume lower on those in future?” While I understand you don’t want to hurt her feelings, you are undergoing a significant bit of discomfort here yourself, which isn’t fair. And I don’t know this person, but with most friends, they’d rather slightly mitigate a behavior rather than persistently annoy their friend, even if it’s a touch unpleasant to be asked.

      This isn’t bullying; it’s just asking not to be blasted with sound.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed. Her anxiety does not trump your need not to be assaulted by sound. Matter of fact, you may become anxious if she does not stop it.
        I totally get what you mean about the sound going right through you. It’s not something I could keep putting up with personally. Where I’d land is that we just take separate cars… or maybe take separate roads in life, if the situation did not change.

    3. PollyQ*

      Who wants to be told their laughter is hurting someone?

      On the flip side, who wants to inadvertantly hurt someone when it’s something that might be easily changed? It might “really hurt her feelings” or maybe it won’t. But regardless, why are her feelings more important than your physical pain?

    4. WS*

      Ask her about it! It may or may not be something she can help – if she can’t help it, she won’t mind you blocking your ear, if she can help it, she can stop when you’re in close proximity. You obviously care about her feelings, so I’m sure that you can ask in a way that shows your concern and is not at all like the bullying you experienced. You could even tell her that you feel bad about asking because you were bullied about your laugh, to show that it’s about you wanting to be comfortable, not telling her off for her behaviour.

  63. Prospect Gone Bad*

    I have two hair questions that may sound silly but I’m curious about them and can’t find good answers googling them.

    One is about color change. My hair is changing from blond to brown at 40. Has anyone had this happen or see any theories as per why it happened out of nowhere? I keep looking for an answer but most of the threads are clogged with comments about kids’ hair color changing, which doesn’t strike me as uncommon at all, or people oddly humble bragging about their hair turning grey young, and I can’t find many anecdotes of peoples’ hair getting darker at this age. FWIW only 25% of my family has been blond and being blond until your 40 was rare to begin with, and those that were blond as adults never got darker and got grey early, so family history isn’t helping me solve this one.

    The second one has to do with color. This one is going to make me look stupid, but here it goes. How do you know what specific hair color and skin tone you have? I feel like I look different in every pictures. Sometimes I look pale, sometimes ruddy, other times I have a yellowish to tan glow. Same with hair, sometimes it looks solid brown, sometimes dark blond, sometimes it has reddish tones. I get that lighting is changing the appearance, but what is the standard lighting you should use that is the most accurate. Outdoor lighting? Fluorescent lights? The light from incandescent bulbs? Is my experience common?

    1. WellRed*

      Hair color can indeed darken or fade or undergo any number of changes. As to your other question, I’d say natural light is best but it might be helpful to ask a trusted friend (with an eye for such things) or hair or other stylist what they think your coloring is.

    2. fposte*

      If you changed any hair products or activities that involve being in the sun or water, that could also result in hair color difference.

      On the second, light has different colors, so it’s understandable that we look different colors under it. I’d say it depends what you want accuracy for. It might make more sense to go by what tones appear most often than most accurately, so that if you’re looking for flattering colors you choose ones that flatter where they’re most worn, not just in perfect temperature lights. (I suspect also scientifically there isn’t an objective color for things but that it depends on the light that reflects at the time.) Daylight is usually going to be your strongest light but is of course changing.

      1. Prospect Gone Bad*

        My hair looks darkest outside and in natural light. It only looks reddish in bright lighting. Which raising the question of whether the color even exists or is a sort of optical illusion. I’m just really frustrated by not being able to figure out something so basic

    3. Not So NewReader*

      My husband had lovely but fine, curly hair that was probably blond in the beginning. It did darken. The number one factor we saw was the amount of sunlight. When he worked outdoors his hair lighted right up. During the winter it went back to being a brownish blond.
      Now mine changes with sun exposure also. It used to be deep dark brown. Then came the gray, okay, it’s actually garish white. But the white goes blond when I work outside a lot.

      I think what you describe with the change in hair/skin color in photos is pretty normal. I am fair skinned but in the right light I don’t look pale. Foods can make a difference in skin tone, I notice change when I started deliberately eating colorful veggies- it seemed to help level out the episodes of really pale skin.

      Have you tried buying light bulbs lately- omg. There’s blue tone, sunlight, white light, omg., so many freakin’ choices. I just want to buy a light bulb and GO HOME. But no. I stand there for 20 minutes reading the packages and trying to figure out what is what.

      1. Prospect Gone Bad*

        Oh I haven’t thought about bulb shopping getting more complicated. I’ll rarely pick one up but at the grocery store, so the choice is so small that I don’t need to think about any of it.

    4. ATX*

      Your skin tone is mostly characterized by warm or cool tones, and paleness or tan-ness if it changes in photos is due to lighting so it’s never a good indicator. Another factor is time of year, if you’re taking the photos after a beach vacation vs after the winter blues, of course you will see a difference in paleness.

      A good test for warm or cool hues is to look at your veins. Do they have a bluer tone or more of a green one? Green is warmer and blue is cooler.

      For googling more info, I would look up “warm vs cool skin tones” and you will find more information on how to identify your own.

    5. Fire engine red*

      Natural lighting is the most accurate representation of hair color. Artificial lighting always has hues whether it’s warm or cool, and those will alter the color of your hair ever so slightly.

      Most people experience what you do. I have red hair and it’s very red at dusk, the “golden hour”, and more blond in cool artificial lighting.

    6. GermanGirl*

      My hair colour changes from blond to brown in the fall and back to blond in the summer. It’s at it’s lightest after a week on the beach and darkest in February. But hair care products and going to the pool also make a difference for my hair, although I don’t have these effects figured out quite yet. Have you recently dropped an outdoor hobby, started swimming or changed your hair care routine?

      Oh yeah, and I suspect being pregnant can also change your hair colour – mine skipped the brown winter phase during pregnancy and just stayed blond for the whole year. Could have been more regular salt water pool visits, too, though. Who knows.

      I can’t really help with the tones – I have the same problem, including my hair looking red sometimes – mostly in the sun – but not always.

    7. WS*

      My cousin was white-blond as a kid, light blond as an adult, then in his 30s his hair went a kind of ashy colour and then transitioned to a light but definite brown. (My brothers were also white-blond as kids, but their hair went to light brown and dark brown respectively early in high school, which is not unusual). My uncle and aunt, parents of that cousin, were both blonde and stayed blonde until they went grey. So yes, it can definitely happen.

  65. Re'lar Fela*

    Just jumping in today to thank Alison for recommending The Husbands and to reiterate that recommendation. I picked it up yesterday around 10am…and finished it just after 4pm. I haven’t sat and read a book straight through in YEARS. My responsibilities (grad school, child, pets, home, etc) were neglected for a day, but everyone survived and I had a fantastic time.

  66. Emma2*

    Hi Alison – I realise this is very late for this weekend thread, but I remember several weeks ago that you asked if people had any recommendations for books (or possibly also podcasts, etc) on foster care. I was wondering if at some point you might be willing to share information on any books or other resources that you have found particularly interesting or helpful. I would be very interested in any recommendations you may have. Many thanks!
    (I hope everything is going well with your foster care plans).

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