weekend open thread – September 3-4, 2022

by Alison Green on September 2, 2022

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Peter Darling, by Austin Chant. A transgender re-telling of Peter Pan, in which Peter returns to Neverland as an adult and forges a surprising connection with Hook.

I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      More fun than the vet — he went on a trip to my mom’s for the afternoon! He did not enjoy the car ride. But once we got home, he became obsessed with the carrier and hung out in it for the next several days.

      2. Doctor is In*

        We had a cat like that. Once a friend had to take him to the vet while we were away. She was worried how to get him in the carrier. Forgot to tell her you just set it down and he runs right in.

        1. Anonosaurus*

          i wish my cat took this approach. it is always painful for both of us when she has to go to the vet. I leave the carrier out all the time and she will nap in it but when she realises mummy wants her to go into it – no chance!!

          1. Kittee*

            Pill pockets. That’s how we got our cat into the carrier. Also, this picture reminds me of when I house sat a couple of cats. They had never met me before and were very leery of me for a day or so. At the end of the visit, though, they were sitting in my suitcase, refusing to let me pack.

          2. Hotdog not dog*

            This was my cat. Nothing going on, carrier is a cozy hangout. Vet appointment scheduled? Not touching it with a ten foot pole!

            1. Clisby*

              My son figured out how to get our cat into the carrier by covering his eyes. The cat’s eyes, not my son’s eyes. I guess it disoriented him enough that he didn’t resist until it was too late.

          3. Becky S.*

            I got lucky ONE TIME, helping a friend with her cat – I put her in backwards (the cat, not the friend). She didn’t see what was coming and was quite surprised. After that, she hid when I came in the house. :-}

          4. Random Bystander*

            I have one cat who will just walk right in when she sees the carrier.

            Two of them, I have to burrito in a towel and use an assistant to drop the cat into the carrier (I have to have it vertical and put them in tail-end first).

            The others are somewhere in between. Occasionally, I can catch them napping, and sneak get them into the carrier before they fully wake. The first five go in January/early February, then there are two who go in the fall.

            In January, I take two cats for annual visits one week, and two cats the next week, and then again the next week after that. (Weeks 2 and 3, there is one cat who goes back each time, he has to get his shots separated by time to prevent a really distressing reaction). Week 1 is the week I take the two most difficult cats. One year, I had taken the first two with only a small loss of blood, as the cats manage to turn into all pointy bits. The next week, I get the carriers out and difficult cat #1 was sleeping on my desk and difficult cat #2 was on my couch–they both woke up, saw the carriers, and ran off to hide under beds. You could almost hear them saying “Nope!” as they ran.

        2. Cat and dog fosterer*

          I had a cat who loved his carrier so much that he would pull at a closed carrier door until I opened it to let him in. It helped that he often got treats in a carrier when he was young in order to get him used to them.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Someone I used to know fed her cats snacks in it so they got used to thinking of it as a reason for a treat. Funniest way to beg!!

      4. The Prettiest Curse*

        I live in a very cycling-friendly city. Last time I took my dog to the vet, I saw someone load their Persian cat into a cat carrier backpack, put the backpack on, get on their bike and leave. The cat didn’t look entirely thrilled with the situation, but that may just have been Persian resting cranky-face…

        1. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

          I once saw a shirtless man riding a bike down the street with a cat draped casually over his shoulders!!! Really did a double take – at first I thought it was a scarf or something but no, it was a real live cat who seemed perfectly content with the situation.

      1. Happily Retired*

        There’s a guy in my neighborhood who takes his cat for walks on a leash. Bonus is that the guy wears a kilt while doing so. (We’re not in Scotland.)

        I love my hundred-year-old city neighborhood!

  2. northern kale*

    That book sounds great! Intriguing premise.

    I wanted to ask: do you give tours of your house when guests visit you for the first time? I don’t mean people who are staying overnight with you (obviously they need to know where everything is) but just people coming over for dinner or an evening. When my husband and I bought our first house we were excited and gave tours when friends and family visited us because everyone wanted to see the place we bought. It’s been about 18 months…..it’s weird to still be giving these tours, right? My husband and I were debating this, he thinks it’s polite to show people around when they come over for the first time. I think it can read like we’re showing off (the house is big) and no one needs to see all the bedrooms or all the bathrooms and we should stop doing it. Is this regional?

    1. House Tour Junkie*

      It’s easier to find a balance if it’s not a one-story house. My friends had an unusual and large house. They would show the living room (which was amazing) and other “public” rooms on the first floor, but not offer tours of the second floor, where the bedrooms were.

    3. Filosofickle*

      I often do, but I take a lot of pride in decorating plus have often lived in smaller places where a everything is close. I think an abbreviated house tour works well — just recently I showed my friend the main living areas, pointed out where the guest bathroom was, and vaguely waved at “and some bedrooms down that way” but didn’t walk them back. I think it’s a good compromise. I enjoy seeing people’s houses, but I don’t need to see people’s bedrooms. That’s personal.

      There isn’t a simple answer. I would never ask for a tour of someone’s house if they don’t offer, so you could have a guest who is dying for a tour but won’t ask. And yet I also don’t assume everyone wants to see my house so offering doesn’t feel always like the right answer either. I try to read the person case-by-case.

    4. Jackalope*

      I don’t necessarily give tours (although I enjoy giving them!), but I’m always happy to if I think people want one. And this may be just me, but I love seeing the inside of people’s houses. It’s so much fun for me to see all of the nooks and crannies and how people use their space in different ways. When we were in the process of buying a house I hated much of the process but loved getting to go through different houses and see what they were like inside. So count me as a vote for offering a full tour.

    5. RagingADHD*

      If it’s a new house, or they are family, then yes.
      I think your instincts are telling you the new has worn off.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah, I think this is it. For friends I actually love, I want to see their whole house with them the first time they buy it. But I’ve kind of been on the journey with them the entire time – open houses, declined offers, etc (and in some cases I’ve toured houses they’re interested in with them! Not sure how common that is but I’m a millennial in a tight friend group). So of course I’m interested in every detail. If I’m just visiting someone I don’t know super well for dinner, I wouldn’t expect or be particularly interested in a general tour.

    6. Madame Arcati*

      I currently give tours for first time guests but I bought this house less than a year ago, so it’s still “my new house that I upgraded from a flat look I have a back garden and a utility room now it is so exciting!” After a year or so since purchase, I’ll stop. This also is only for people who I know are interested in such things and who have come to visit, at least in part, to see my new palace!

    7. Sasha*

      It’s definitely regional – not really a thing where I live, but I know other people elsewhere in the country who 100% expect a full tour like they are considering buying the place.

      A middle ground might be to point out the living room, kitchen and guest bathroom, but more in a “you’ll need to know this” way, rather than a “welcome to my beautiful home” way. Then people who want to see can see, and you avoid the impression of showing off.

      1. Sloanicota*

        True, keep in mind someone can always *ask* for a tour if they’re super interested (which I would dread because unless I’m having house guests, I probably didn’t manage to get every area showroom-clean!!)

        1. Jackalope*

          That’s fine in theory, but I would have a really hard time asking for a full tour like that. It would be really easy to make the person the home belongs to feel like they had to even if they didn’t want to. For the most part I would prefer that it be an offer from the person whose house it is rather than a request from me.

          1. Sloanicota*

            It’s kinda the same thing in reverse from the guest’s side … if the host says “do you want a tour?” it seems awkward to say no even though I’m probably not very interested.

            1. Banana*

              You can express interest in a specific public area and kind of deflect the whole-house tour that way. Like “I’ve heard a lot about your kitchen and I’m dying to see it, show me the way!” Or “I’m most interested in the direction of your bathroom, I shouldn’t have brought that much iced tea for the ride over!”

      2. Middle Aged Lady*

        Where I am from, you show public rooms to first-time guests you don’t know well. People who are good friends get the full house tour, down to the closets, which we called ‘the cook’s tour’ for some reason.

    8. KeinName*

      I‘m in Europe so this is not useful for you – but I give everyone the tour who visits my flat for the first time, even random hook-ups :) I have a flat where you can see every room from the hallway, but I take them through anyway. I think it makes people comfortable.

    9. Asenath*

      This might be regional. I’d never heard of it for a private home (as opposed to an historic building) until fairly recently. Obviously, you’d point out where the toilet was, especially if asked, and pointed to the kitchen (which is where much of the party would take place anyway) as well as the living/dining areas. Bedrooms were strictly private, although sometime used for coat storage that overflowed the entry – and even then, some hosts would say “Let me take your coat” and vanish with it. Now, if there was something special – say, a major renovation had taken place, or a new house purchased, the guests might ask about and be shown some of the features, but even then the whole house wouldn’t be toured. I remember once being shown a lovely new kitchen/dining/ living area – but much of the reno was passed off with a mere mention along the lines of “We re-did the basement and put the spare bedrooms and X’s office down there, but we moved our master bedroom to the main floor.”

    10. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      I love getting house tours, and love giving them even in my dinky 1 bed flat. I’m from NZ, FWIW.

    11. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’m less interested in the house and more interested in the stuff in it, if that makes sense? As long as I know where the bathroom is I don’t care how it’s decorated or whatever, but that curio cabinet in the corner of the living room with your favorite knickknacks on display, I want you to excitedly tell me more about those, and if you happen to glance into my office at my house and want to know about the droids or the wall hangings or why do I have eight Sorcerer Mickey pops over there on that shelf, I will happily tell you about my stuff until your eyes glaze over and you ask me to stop. Because I’ve got some cool stuff. :)

      1. Hotdog not dog*

        Our “new” neighbors recently invited us over for the first time (they moved in the summer of 2020, so all our socializing was previously outdoors). We were very familiar with the house itself as we’ve lived here almost 30 years and at one point that house was owned by one of my husband’s relatives, but their adult daughter is a very talented artist and her work is proudly displayed all over their house. If they hadn’t offered a tour, I’d have begged for one!

      2. Clumsy Ninja*

        Red Reader the Adulting Fairy – I can’t see your home office, but I’d love to hear about the droids. And what are the wall hangings? And while I know what Sorcerer Mickey is, I’m not sure what the “pops” are – and why eight?

        I’m the nerd who is excited when people want to tell me about that kind of stuff.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I built the three droids at Galaxy’s Edge in Disneyworld. My first one is a white R2 with red, orange and teal panels, because that’s my favorite color combination. I built a red BB unit when I was there for Christmas, and its designation is H0-L1. This last March when I was there for my husband’s birthday, I built a red and blue R2 unit that looks Sorcerer Mickey themed, and my plan is to put a sorcerer hat on it :) Sorcerer Mickey is best Mickey, which is why I have a gazillion little figure of him, most of which are Funko Pop figures :) quite a few of the shelves in my office are lined with wee figures.

          I have a quilt hanging that my mom made for me with owls and a tree, and that’s been hanging on the wall in my home office as long as I’ve worked from home. (Going on 8 years now.) I also have a timeline map of the different worlds in the Dark Tower series, which is one of my favorite book series ever. :)

    12. The OG Sleepless*

      In my experience, house tours are a thing if: you just moved in; it’s an unusual or historic house; or if the guest comments on something specific. I wouldn’t expect anyone to be interested in a tour of my very normal suburban house that I’ve lived in for awhile, unless we had been talking about finished basements or deck renovations and they seemed interested in ours.

    13. Grate*

      I’m in the northeast US. In my friends circle, we expect to give tours when it’s a new apartment or house and the friend is visiting for the first time. But even then I only do it if the guest asks for a tour. IMO offering to give a tour (“would you like a tour?”) sounds a bit like showing off.

    14. GoryDetails*

      When my house was new to me I did offer to show people around – not that there was much to show, as it’s a small 3-bedroom ranch, but I was pleased with my decor, especially the library. At this point I’ve been here for decades and it’s rare to have someone in the house who hasn’t been here dozens of times before, but if I have any fun new books/ornaments/cats I may offer to show those.

      And as my procrastination re decluttering means that the house varies from “piles of books all over the floor/cluttered kitchen counters/empty boxes everywhere” to “more or less livable by normal people”, so if friends have last seen it in its messier aspect I may invite them by to revel in a newly-tidied up version. [And, of course, having people come to stay can motivate me to do the decluttering in the first place!]

    15. eeeek*

      When we were new to our new home (upper midwest USA), we were VERY excited about it and gave tours. We were too excited about our private spaces (large walk in closets! wheelchair/walker accessible bathrooms!) At one point, I was standing in the owner bathroom chatting about the joys of a low-threshhold walk in shower as one of the things that will help my husband and me “age well” in our home, when a senior colleague’s wife noted that it would now be very strange for her always to imagine me having a catastrophic bathroom fall when we meet up.
      We no longer offer comprehensive tours.

    16. Also cute and fluffy!*

      Two years ago we moved from a 1 bedroom cabin to a 3 bedroom house with lots of extras. We still give a little tour to first-time guests if it seems like they would like one. There are lots of friends and family that thought that we could have and should have moved out of the cabin a long time ago and are relieved that we have a nicer house.

    17. Jackalope*

      In a response to many people saying it only makes sense of the house is new, I feel like it can be more nuanced than that. I’m more along the lines of if the person visiting hasn’t been there before. Perhaps this is because we bought a house during the pandemic, so not even my real estate agent has been in the house. I have a number of friends and family that I normally would have welcomed over that I haven’t been able to because of the pandemic and associated issues. Plus I have a friend who may be coming to visit from another country who might want to see it who’s never even been to the region where I live, etc. I can understand that if someone has been living in a house for decades that might feel weird, but I still want to leave an opening for those who couldn’t see the house to tour if they want to.

      1. ReallyBadPerson*

        I think it also depends on the house itself. If it’s unusual (famous architect, interesting design, historic, etc.), lots of people enjoy giving and receiving a tour. We’ve got an early 19th century house with a hinged wall that was once pulled up and hung on hooks from the ceiling to create a ballroom. People love looking at it.

    18. Rara Avis*

      We asked for a tour of a friend’s new house this summer. It included the bedrooms mainly to look at their mini-split air conditioners, which my parents were contemplating for their house. (Never thought I’d see the day …). But these are friends who are pretty much family … now into the 4th generation of friendship.

    19. Chickaletta*

      When the house is new for the family I’ve seen it done several times and I enjoy house tours – especially if it’s a really nice house, I’m always curious what the other rooms look like. I only know of one person who’s been put off by being offered a tour of a nice home, she thought they were showing off, but I don’t care for that person for other reasons so I didn’t take her opinion too seriously LOL – I think it was more of a “her” issue (jealousy, assuming the hosts wanted to rub their wealth in her face rather than just trying to be friendly, etc).

      That said, the difference may be if there’s a large income disparity and using tact. You wouldn’t invite over someone who lives in section 8 housing and show them your second laundry room saying “thank HEAVENS our maid doesn’t need to traipse downstairs to launder the linens, could you imagine, Mipsy?”

    20. Koala dreams*

      It doesn’t make sense to stop doing it just because it’s not new for you, what matters if it’s new for the guests. A lot of people like being showed the house, but I guess most people aren’t so enthusiastic about it that they would ask, the way people ask to see your pet or something. It’s weird to stop doing it after 18 months, though. The idea is that it’s fun for guests to see how you live, get an idea of the layout and to feel welcomed into your home, not that you should show off your new purchase.

      When I show people my place I usually keep the bedroom door shut and show the rest. I prefer for people to show me if I’m there for the first time but it’s fine if you don’t want to. You can make guests feel welcome in other ways!

  3. Aphrodite*

    Only one more month until I can unpack and put out my autumn decorations! How I love the last three months of the year! I have autumn decorations out from October 1 through Friday of Thanksgiving weekend. (That day I re-pack them and bring out the Christmas decorations, which stay out until some time in late December or early January.). I loathe Halloween so have almost nothing for that, but I do love pumpkins, both faux and real as well as a wreath, some flowers and other decor items. These months are the only time of the year I have more than my usual somewhat minimal decor so it’s always an exciting time for me. And I am happy to see them go back into storage after the two “seasons” end as well.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I just moved into a house and I’m so excited to update my autumn decor! The past few years I’ve been gradually adding things – I have several of the little seasonal birds from Target, made a small (non-Halloween) pumpkin door hanger, etc. Last year I bought a bunch of pumpkin shaped candle holders. I’m thinking I want to make a full sized wreath this year, mainly leaves but maybe with some little pumpkins or animals :)

      I usually start decorating at the beginning of September, I don’t care if it’s technically still summer!

      1. E. Chauvelin*

        That reminds me, I do put the generic “fall” stuff out earlier than the Halloween stuff sometimes, I could start doing that this weekend. Yeah it’s still summer in terms of the equinoxes but there is the U.S. convention of Labor Day weekend as the civic end of summer, I’m justified.

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          Yeah, this is how I do it. General fall stuff in September, Halloween stuff in October, then put the Halloween away and leave the rest until I switch to Christmas decor after Thanksgiving

    2. KatEnigma*

      I have scarecrows that will go out this weekend – then add pumpkins and Halloween in Obtivey, swap out candy corn for a turkey for November, then the whole Christmas nine yards from after Thanksgiving until the first week of January. Our HOA gives us 30 days before and 14 after a Holiday to decorate with complaining.

    3. WellRed*

      I was debating whether I can get some mums this weekend for the porch (the weather finally dropped the humidity overcoat this week) but maybe I’ll wait another week or 2.

    4. RMNPgirl*

      I love fall and winter decorations! I am actually putting away my spring/summer ones this weekend and putting out my fall and Halloween decorations.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      For me it’s “how to fit the tender perennials inside” season… we now have 2 largish trees and 4 smallish ones. (Fig, citrus, bay laurel.) So fall decor here is grow lights!

    6. Random Biter*

      Halloween is *my* holiday! LOL I even have a Jack Skellington banner on the front door that says “Every Day is Halloween.” My collection of Halloween stuff never gets put away and I host the annual Buffy Night get together of potluck, wine, chocolate and our favorite eps of Buffy. Autumn is definitely my favorite time of year.

  4. birdperson*

    I’ve never contributed to an open thread before but I just have to share: I have bipolar disorder and a horrible problem with procrastination and anxiety which causes me to basically shut down and go catatonic when I have a deadline that’s stressing me out. Which has resulted in being fired from two jobs, almost fired from a third, burning bridges with multiple professors and two very prestigious mentors in my field, nearly failing out of college, and most recently having to take incompletes in my graduate school coursework last semester. (Despite all that I still ended up with a 4.0 at a top 10 grad school in my field, which goes to show how perfectionism is a big piece of this problem – when I’m on I’m on, and when I’m off I’m f***ing dead.)

    Well, I just finished two of the four assignments I’ve been putting off since last semester. It’s a small victory, I know, but it feels like a huge weight off. I’ve been struggling with this problem for so long and I’ve gotten to the point where I’m honestly not sure I’m worth anything or that I can ever make anything of my life. The anxiety has been crushing me for so many years and everything feels so hopeless. I’ve realized that I’ll never be one of the superstars in my field because of this problem, but I’m still working on accepting that. Accomplishing this bit of work helps lift that feeling a little bit, at least for a while.

    1. birdperson*

      Whoops, I just re-read the rules for weekend posts and realized that this comment doesn’t exactly adhere to them. Alison, if you’d like to delete it, feel free.

      Otherwise, to make this more advice-oriented – if anyone else has dealt with the kind of life-derailing procrastination/anxiety that doesn’t respond to the pomodoro technique, I’d love to share tactics.

      1. AGD*

        Academic and general undergraduate advisor-y person here. When I see this in a student, I really feel for them, because it makes college just awful! Normally my advice for a student reporting this type of thing is for them to go have a set of evaluations at the Disability Services office, because (I definitely can’t diagnose anyone) it’s often a combination of anxiety and ADHD, and even when not, targeted accommodations/therapy tend to help a lot.

        1. birdperson*

          Thank you! I’m loving reading everyone’s comments. This community is so lovely and supportive.

          Just to clarify since this has come up a few times: I’ve been in therapy and on medication for a decade or so, and have set up accommodations with my school’s accessibility office.

          Bipolar type II is tough because it can feel like therapy and medication are Really Working This Time, and everything is better and I’m turning my life around – and then I plunge back into depression and it feels like everything is erased. I’ve been through that cycle over the last decade more times than I can count – I’m always somewhere in that cycle. True progress seems elusive. I go through years when I have strong faith in therapy and meds and feel like they saved my life, and then other years where my faith flags.

          1. AGD*

            I should apologize – I didn’t read your post as carefully as I should have, then basically treated it like an email to another faculty member asking for recommendations. My bad. Glad there have been others who’ve said more-helpful things. :)

      2. Janet Pinkerton*

        I have been in your shoes! Therapy (took me three tries to find someone I clicked with) and meds (second try worked) are what worked for me. Once I had that foundation, exercise was a big help too.

      3. marvin*

        I’ve also had the kind of procrastination that fully takes over my life. I’m also a perfectionist so my unhealthy coping mechanism is to drop everything else in life and just stress and procrastinate 24/7.

        The main things I’ve learned to make this more manageable are 1) to accept my own limitations and not sign myself up to be in environments where I know this will become all-consuming for me, and 2) to be comfortable doing things in the way that works for me even if it goes against common wisdom. Both of these are kind of obvious but took me ages to actually start doing and have made a big difference for my quality of life. Basically I’ve become more aware of my own needs and less invested in others’ expectations.

        1. birdperson*

          I would love to hear more details if you’re comfortable sharing. What sorts of environments do you avoid, and what unorthodox ways do you find of doing things?

          1. marvin*

            The main things I decided against doing for my mental health were pursuing a graduate degree and continuing in a moderately glamorous but demanding career. These were both pretty tough choices because I had a lot invested in my academic and career success but ultimately choosing a much less demanding job has been way better for my mental health.

            One of the main unorthodox productivity methods that I’ve found extremely helpful is accepting that for some tasks I really need some extra stimulation or my brain just totally shuts down. I am often half listening to a podcast at work because it makes it much easier for me to switch between tasks and start new tasks, both of which used to be major procrastination triggers. Again I realize this isn’t that unusual but it took me a long time to accept that I function a lot better this way instead of trying to power through a workday without it. I think I had absorbed a lot of messages about what success and productivity are supposed to look like and it took a lot of time and frustration to unlearn them.

              1. marvin*

                I hope you’re also able to find some tactics that will make this more manageable! Having such a high level of procrastination and anxiety is really exhausting to live with.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Congratulations on completing your two assignments!

      You don’t have to be a superstar to make a serious and valuable contribution to this world. History is loaded with Jane/Joe Doe’s who did so much, yet not many know their names. I’ve changed to the point where I think being that unknown contributor has it advantages.

    5. YNWA*

      It’s not hopeless. I have bipolar and earned a PhD and now work in higher ed where there’s stress, but not the same kind of stressors as regular jobs.

      If you’re not treated, please get treated. I know there’s a lot of hesitancy about medications but as bipolars, we need them. The cycles are too difficult to manage just by bootstrapping. Plus the anxiety that comes along with bipolar is exhausting. And universities are so much more equipped to handle and help students than when I was diagnosed in the early 00’s.

      Drop the perfectionism and rock star bullsh*t. Only internet corners are obsessed with that. For the rest of the world functioning and being successful is far more important than being a superstar or rock star. For a bipolar being stable and functioning is the best accomplishment. You’re on the right path.

      1. anonymous squirrel wrangler*

        Please share more tips! I am (treated) but just started a new opportunity we don’t talk about that is more complex than my last one. Treatment helps but isn’t 100%

        2. J.B.*

          There are ADHD or executive function coaches. Sort of like therapy but more focused on practical aspects of life. I’d recommend seeking that out, and ADHDers also tend to share what works for them on Twitter. trial and error for you will be key

    6. J.B.*

      Congratulations on accomplishing those tasks. I know it’s really hard to get therapy these days but I hope you will if you don’t already. I am finally being evaluated for my brain stuff in detail because when it’s too much it’s too much.

    8. Double A*

      That is huge! You are obviously very bright and capable and have very specific ways you can work.

      My husband has bipolar bipolar type 2 which mostly manifests as crippling depression. To be honest, he can’t work a traditional job because he absolutely needs flexibility. He kind of stumbled into a family business job, but he is basically in charge. The actual work is not great but he gets it done and he can’t be fired for things like working an unusual schedule or taking days off unexpectedly. This actually helps a lot with having kids because that flexibility can extend to them (although his bpd makes some things about having kids more challenging than average).

      I think with a disorder like this, when you think about what you want to do, structure has to come first. What kinds of environments and schedules can you work in? And then the specific jobs have to follow from there. To be honest I think we’d all be better off thinking a bit more about work environment as we choose our jobs and careers.

      1. birdperson*

        Yes, exactly this! I’ve recently come to understand that I just can’t work in the kind of high-pressure, moderately unstructured job that is the stereotypical “pinnacle” of accomplishment for my field, so I need to find another option. A job where I’m not handed an assignment to go off and work on solo would be ideal, but I’m not sure that exists. Would you say your husband is fulfilled doing what he does?

        1. Double A*

          Unfortunately, no, he hates the actual work (it’s not at all what he trained or thought he would do). It’s very boring manufacturing work. However, he just stumbled into it (he is not one to be super deliberate about life planning stuff). I think if you’re thinking about this and planning for it, you can find a job with a good environment and more or less enjoyable work itself.

      2. Mimmy*

        A big AMEN to your last sentence! I don’t have bipolar, but I do experience anxiety, sensory overload, and a little bit of procrastination. It’s really made me rethink what environments I would do well in. I’m working on a career pivot as we speak and I’m really trying to be careful.

        1. Mallory Janis Ian*

          Same for me: no bipolar, anxiety, sensory overload, and procrastination. My family think I have ADD (just from reading the symptoms and how I seem to display a lot of them). I couldn’t function in a high-pressure productivity environment, but I also wouldn’t do well with open-ended flexibility.

          My current job seems like it’s going to be perfect for me: there are specific guidelines for turnaround times on tasks, but it’s not high pressure. The standard is that we have to start the task within 48 hours of receiving it in the team inbox, and if everything we need is included in the initial request, we can finish it pretty much immediately. If we have to email the person back and ask for missing elements, that starts the 48-hour clock over again (we have to pick the task back up within 48 hours of them supplying the needed item).

          I find it helpful to have a good amount of structure, but to have some wiggle room for operating within that structure. In jobs without much structure, I spend an inordinate amount of time coming up with different theories for a good work structure and spend more time trying to implement them than I do on my actual job. I love that my current job comes with a structure that we all work within, so I don’t have to get bogged down cos-playing different structures to the detriment of my work.

          1. Mimmy*

            Yeah, I’d say we’re very similar. Which is why I’m questioning my sanity because the field I’m trying to enter can be fast paced, especially at peak times (postsecondary education). I definitely want to continue this conversation so I’m going to head over to the Labor Day thread.

    9. dusty*

      Highly recommend the NAMI – National Alliance for Mental Illness – 8- week, free, Peer to Peer course. The teacher and all who participate are dealing with mental illness. Can’t say enough good things…

      1. Chilipepper Attitude*

        I also want to recommend NAMI for anyone experiencing or with a loved one experiencing any mental health challenges. We did the family course and it was amazing.

        Congrats on getting the work done for the 2 courses!!

        I love the suggestions about thinking about the work environment and agree we should all think about that! I learned a lot from this blog about that and this seems like a question that is perfect for information interviews.

    10. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Love all the responses you’re getting! As an academic with crappy executive function (undiagnosed ADHD?) and procrastination issues–case in point, I’m on Ask a Manager when I should be doing my syllabi and finding tax paperwork right now–here’s my experience:

      I kept it together by doing the stay-up-all-night method for most papers during undergrad and grad school, but even when I stopped working and had unlimited free time, I couldn’t seem to do the final push to get my dissertation done, even though I had done a lot of work for it. I wound up hiring an awesome dissertation coach who mostly dealt with my executive function issues. She was big on setting up systems that worked with what *I* needed, not what anyone else thought was typical.

      So, we made a plan that I would sleep until 11AM or Noon, walk to lunch at a restaurant, and then go to a cafe with my dissertation and write for an hour or two every day. She suggested having a cut-off time past which I would not work so that I didn’t exhaust myself and so that I would be fresh for the next day.

      She was big on printing out new versions of what I had so far and putting them in a 3-ring binder so that I could see the dissertation growing and becoming a book. If I didn’t have anything new that inspired me on a particular day, I used the cafe time to read over what I had written, make corrections on the printed copy, type in the changes, and then print out again.

      Just putting those systems in place got me to finish up the darned thing between February and the end of August. Finally.

      Anyway, I agree with the ideas above about finding systems that work for you, without worrying whether they work for anyone else, and about trying to tamp down that perfectionism and make compromises. I am never going to be a renowned scholar (but hey, I did get my dissertation turned into a book!), and that is okay. I also agree with the commenter who talked about choosing career goals that are right for you. I did FINALLY get an academic job, and it finally got made tenure track, and I finally got tenure, but if I had to do it all over again, I would spend the rest of my life as a reference librarian. I did that for a while without a degree, and I !##@$#ing loved it — being a professor is way the heck more stressful.

      Don’t chase the prestige — chase happiness!

      Best of luck to you.

      1. birdperson*

        Thank you so much. The coach idea is fantastic – you’ve inspired me to reach out to some professional coaches!

    11. anonagain*

      Awesome job getting those assignments done!

      There’s a book … get it done when you’re depressed, or something like that. I used to play a game where I’d open the book at random and I had to implement the suggestion on that page/chapter (the chapters are like 2-3 pages long). Then I could be done for the day.

      I am also really big on waking up super early and working then. I am not even remotely a morning person. It’s mostly the smug sense of superiority of working while everyone else is sleeping that makes this effective. WHO’S THE LAZY ONE NOW?!

      (Oh, were you looking for healthy suggestions from well-adjusted people?)

      1. Chilipepper Attitude*

        The book is called getting it done when you are depressed and it looks great and I like your trick to open it and do that thing!

        I just ordered it.

    12. i forget my handle here*

      I don’t know if you or anyone else will end up seeing this, but I found this youtube video helpful. Putting spaces in the URL so it doesn’t go to moderation.
      www. youtube. com /watch?v=A2sS00egAzg “You’re Not Lazy: How to Live a Chaotically Organised Life”

      I was recently diagnosed with obsessive compulsive personality disorder. I’ve struggled forever with typical productivity advice, and I really think that the way people get things done is not one size fits all, because everyone’s brains are wired differently. Just seeing someone frame up a different way of getting things done in life that is not based in consistency and habits was really affirming to me, maybe it will be you or someone else as well

    13. Bart*

      The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns has a chapter on procrastination that I have found so helpful. There are worksheets that get you to identify what thoughts you have about the task you are procrastinating about and then helps you address those thoughts. I have shared it with others and we all agree it can really help! I should pull it out again, come to think of it! Here is a link to the worksheet. https://feelinggood.com/tag/anti-procrastination-sheet/

    14. Anon for this- good luck birdperson!*

      Hello fellow biopolar II person! I’m about 10 years out from my diagnosis and spent several years trying to figure out how to deal with all of the issues you identified. I worked with a CBT-focused therapist who helped me with trying out different tools and, this is what has worked for me:

      1. To-do lists or task tracking lists broken down into small, easily cross off-able subtasks. (For both work, home, and school) Then, figure out a reasonable number of tasks you can accomplish in a day, and create am and pm task list.
      2. I keep a small paper journal where I hand write everything I do that day, and at work I have a color-coded spreadsheet where I track what I’ve worked on during the day and for how long. Knowing that I’m going to have to write down what I’ve done keeps me on track.
      3. I’m very careful about over-committing to work/friends/volunteering, since being over-stretched causes major mood issues. So, no on-call positions or jobs with a lot of overtime, keeping most weekends and evenings free, and lots of solo activities so that I can bail if I need to without feeling guilty.
      4. Being able to control and feel ownership of my home environment made it much easier to deal with stressors elsewhere. So, no room mates, and I rent an apartment where there is minimal interaction with the landlord.
      5. Having a roughly similar routine for waking up, eating, and going to sleep whether it’s a workday or the weekend.
      6. Lots of busy hands, empty mind hobbies- easy to follow crochet patterns, chopping vegetables for big batch soups, picking up litter, etc.
      7. Learning how to recognize and break myself out of a thought spiral was a game changer.

      Basically, for me the typical self-care advice (be kind to yourself, mindfulness, gratitude journaling) was counter productive, and what was helpful was regimentation, activity, and routine. The most important thing is to keep trying different techniques until you figure out what works for you as a unique individual (instead of getting hung up on what should work).

  6. Jackalope*

    Book thread! Please share any books that you’re reading, and give or request recommendations.

    My favorite current read is The Oleander Sword by Tasha Siri. It’s the 2nd book in what I think is supposed to be a trilogy, and just came out. I’m not too far in yet but I’m enjoying it a lot so far. And I’m almost done with The House of Spirits by Isabel Allende. It’s been a bit slow going but I’m looking forward to seeing how it ends.

    1. Gatomon*

      Just started reading The Fifth Season by N.K. Jemison and I’m really enjoying it so far. I’ve got that “just found a new author I love and I need to consume ALL the books” feeling. It’s a good one.

      4. RosyGlasses*

        Just remembered she has a newer series (newer as in 2009 for book 1) called The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms (The Inheritance Trilogy Book 1) — just added it to my Kindle. She is an amazing author!!

    2. Princess Deviant*

      I’m on the 3rd book of the The Mortal Instruments by Cassandra Clare. I put off reading them because I just thought they were a Twilight rip off (I know, I know, that’s ignorant), which I really didn’t enjoy. But I was so wrong.
      Clare’s writing is so good it makes me want to weep with envy. I’m very much enjoying the story too.

      1. RosyGlasses*

        I love Clare’s writing! The Infernal Devices series is also excellent. I think there are only 2 books left of hers that I haven’t read. Fair warning, the Mortal Instruments was made into a tv show on Freeform and while enjoyable in the YA sense, it definitely didn’t do the books justice (in my opinion).

        1. Princess Deviant*

          I got into the books because I watched that show…it was kind of enjoyable but all the reviews I read said the books were better (they usually are!) so I bought them and I’m hooked! Can’t really to read all the others too. The books are just so much funnier, and more complex, and the characters are more rounded.

    3. AcademiaNut*

      Recently Read:
      Be the Serpent, the newest October Daye book by Seanan McGuire (urban fantasy, very good, not for newcomers to the series, and I have to wait and entire YEAR to get the cliffhanger resolved. Also, my guess of the plot twist was correct, but there were nuances I hadn’t anticipated). A Strange and Stubborn Endurance by Foz Meadows (straight up fantasy world romance). The Unspoken Name by A.K. Larkwood (interesting fantasy adventure novel with portals to other worlds, an extinct empire and mysterious and creepy gods)

      Eagerly Anticipated: The sequel to The Hands of the Emperor by Victoria Goddard, called At the Feet of the Sun, will be out November 1, which I am very excited about. It’s not listed on the big websites yet, but is up for pre-order on the author’s site.

      1. ccr*

        I am so excited for At the Feet of the Sun! I pre-ordered it and have blocked off the evening of Nov first for reading.

      2. Tris Prior*

        I just finished Be the Serpent, and, OMG. I knew there was to be a Big Reveal and I half expected what it was as there are some fan theories that have been going around for some time. But the execution of it was a surprise to me. And WTF was going on at the end…

    4. Vio*

      I’m reading the second book in the Brightest Shadow series by Sarah Lin. It’s a fascinating read, it twists the generic fantasy premise by having a prophesised hero who’s supposed to wipe out the invading ‘Deathspawn’ and save the world. The snag is that the invaders aren’t as evil as they initially seem and the hero shows up just in time to disrupt peace negotiations… and kill innocent civilians and any humans who show any kind of empathy to the ‘Deathspawn’. That’s just the basics, there’s some interesting characters on all sides and I’m looking forward to seeing how it all unfolds.

    5. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      Just read Zazie in the Metro by Raymond Queneau, fun frothy read, and I loved Unmask Alice about the truth behind Go Ask Alice- a book I devoured at 13 and thought was 100% legit at the time. The truth is way more bonkers.

      My book of the year is still The Constant Gardener, followed by The Disaster Tourist, but I’m hoping to get some proper reading time in now that it’s headed towards cosy season.

      1. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

        OOOOH I didn’t know there was a book about Go Ask Alice! I must read it! Thanks for the rec – I read my big sister’s copy of GAA when I was eight and it was intense, so like many 70s/80s kids it was an iconic book for me.

    6. HannahS*

      I’m following along with Ilona Andrews’ newest Innkeeper book which is released serially. That series is such comfort-reading for me!

    7. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

      Just finished I Love You But I’ve Chosen Darkness by Claire Vaye Watkins – a pretty gonzo read, sprawling and associative and impossible to second-guess, about a woman who goes on the run from post-partum depression (or possibly from motherhood, or just from her husband and baby) back to the snall town near Vegas where she grew up. Bonkers and breathtaking and brilliant but definitely NOT a comfort read – in fact I’ve moved on to Rumer Godden’s China Court (a super-cosy novel from 1960 about five generations in a big country house in Cornwall, lots of lush descriptions of clothes and decor and household objects) to recover!

      1. GoryDetails*

        Re Rumer Godden – my favorite work of hers is IN THIS HOUSE OF BREDE, in which a very successful businesswoman takes the veil as a cloistered nun; there are a lot of fascinating elements and intriguing characters, and it remains one of my favorite novels. (The TV adaptation starring Diana Rigg was also quite good, though I still prefer the book.)

        2. Clisby*

          I have never read a Rumer Godden book I disliked.

          She has another one about someone who becomes a nun after coming out of prison: Five for Sorrow, Ten for Joy.

          I think my favorite is Peacock Spring.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      I’ve got a bunch of new books coming in the next couple of months; posted downthread.

      I just read The Hawthorne Legacy, book 2 in a series in which a 17 year old (dead mom, deadbeat dad, older sister cares for her) struggling to get by is named in a billionaire’s will and her life upended. Tons of secret passages and puzzles, characters are likeable but I wish they were drawn with a lot more depth. Fast paced and fun.

      Returned then to Murderbot, a series where I take something new away each time.

    9. Sundae funday*

      I’m reading THE CHANGE by Kirsten Miller. Three woman in their late 40s-early 50s discover menopause has given them special powers, which they use to solve a crime. It’s very down-with-patriarchy and I’m loving it.

    10. Elizabeth West*

      A Lincoln Child novel called Chrysalis. I usually buy all Preston and Child’s books when they come out since I re-read them, but the library book will do for now. I’ll collect any I don’t have later in paperback.

      So far Chrysalis is lots of fun. I enjoy a good techno-thriller.

        1. Loredena*

          I think it’s less about the library and more about liking to own/reread. I used to use the library all the time. But I also reread frequently which is much easier when owning. Especially now that I mostly buy and read ebooks

          1. Forgotten username*

            It makes sense to buy a book if you’re going to reread it often, but “the library book will do for now” did sound kind of condescending to me also, as if a library book was “less than” owning. And the topic was not on owning vs borrowing – the OP could have recommended the book without putting down the library, or even just said she liked the book so much that she was going to buy it to reread later.

            As someone whose library card has helped me through some tough times, I do find the OP’s repeated reminders about how she won’t get a library card, then she finally “broke down” and got a library card as if it were some kind of massive achievement but one she somehow feels ashamed of, uses the library card but will someday not need to use it as if that’s something to strive for, quite unnecessary. I love public libraries and think they provide vital services and I will always use my local library even if I ever became so rich I could buy every book in the world, twice.

            I get that not everyone loves the library like I do, and that’s fine. But boy, it really brings me down to keep reading over and over how much Elizabeth West finds getting a library card to somehow be losing in life, when that’s almost the only thing in the last few years that makes me feel like I’m winning at something.

            1. Chilipepper Attitude*

              If you are noticing a bit of disdain and anti-library elitism, there is also a lot of library support here!

              I got my library card the first day we moved here and I’m super proud I’ve had the same physical card for 28 years. One whole corner is cracked off and it’s a pretty brittle and delicate plastic that I have to handle with care.

              The library has sustained me many times and in many cities and I now can afford to buy all the books I want but I use the library bc 1. I want to support it and every check out matters. 2. I don’t want to avoid conspicuous consumption. And most importantly, 3. Supporting the library makes it available to people who need it!

            2. Elizabeth West*

              I DON’T HATE LIBRARIES FFS

              I did not want to get a library card HERE because I don’t want to stay here. A library card implies permanence because you have to be a resident of the county to get (a free) one. That is ALL it is.

              As for Preston and Child, I’m a fan and buy all their books (usually in hardback) but that is too expensive for me right now because they crank out books like crazy and I’m behind. Therefore, I read the library book but will probably buy a paperback later when I’m able to catch up.

              If you want to know the reason for something, ASK, and please stop projecting judgmental fanfiction on me.

          2. Chilipepper Attitude*

            I reread frequently and find it much easier to do from the library via ebooks.

            I mean, I feel much less need to purchase ebooks since they are so easy to get from the library.

            1. S*

              Any recommendations for library apps with good selections? I really enjoy being able to check out ebooks and especially audiobooks on my phone, but sometimes I find the selection to be lacking- for example, I just searched for a couple books from this thread that looked good but wasn’t able to find them. I currently have Libby and Hoopla registered with a library card from my hometown library. Not sure if it’s an issue with my local library’s selection, or just that some books aren’t made available to check out as ebooks/audiobooks, or what…?

    11. ccr*

      I just read The Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches by Sangu Mandanna and loved it! Somehow both light and fun but also deep, with found family and magic and a hot grumpy guy… very much recommend it.

    12. GoryDetails*

      Lots in progress as usual, including:

      HOW TO FOSSILISE YOUR HAMSTER, a collection of “New Scientist” magazine’s fun-science-experiment columns, vastly entertaining and informative. And the book has a flip-book element in the margin – you can see the hamster parachuting into a volcano!

      THE POISON THREAD by Laura Purcell – set in Victorian England and told from two viewpoints: a wealthy and independent-minded young woman with a penchant for phrenology, and the convicted murderess Ruth, a teenager whose traumatic past might explain – and perhaps even excuse – the crime she was convicted of, but who believes that she was somehow influencing people’s health, suffering, and eventual fate via her own emotions expressed as she sewed delicate items for wealthy strangers. Nicely twisty story, highlighting some truly mind-bending societal abuses – think Dickens’ bleakest stories only more so.

      COSMOGRAMMA by Courttia Newland – finished this one and enjoyed it very much; an intriguing collection of speculative fiction, some very real-world-based and some quite surreal.

      Oh, and in audiobook news: John Scalzi just announced that there’s a third installment in his “Dispatcher” series, TRAVEL BY BULLET, available on Audible.com! I love that series despite/because of its very weird premise – murder victims will dematerialize and revive, wounds healed, in their safest place, leading to all manner of societal changes that take advantage of this tweak in reality…

    13. Texan In Exile*

      Jeff Abbott’s newest Sam Capra book, Traitor’s Dance. It works well as a standalone, but it’s even better if you have been reading the series. (After staying up late to finish, I am now frustrated that I have to wait a year before I find out what happens next, though.)

    14. shaw of dorset*

      I’m currently reading The Silk Roads by Peter Frankopan and it’s fantastic. I’m learning a lot of history I knew very little about before.

    15. Bluebell*

      I devoured Cover Story by Susan Rigetti this week. A wild read and very fun, reminiscent of Inventing Anna. Now I’m in the middle of Abbi Waxman’s Other People’s Houses, and enjoying it.

    16. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      I’d like to recommend “All Those Explosions Were Someone Else’s Fault” by James Alan Gardner. It’s one of those “superheroes exist” sort of things, and how do they deal with the fact of being supers.

    17. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      Also, for those who are fascinated by the space program, I just ordered Fred Haise’s memoir, “Never Panic Early”. As anyone who watched “Apollo 13” knows, Fred was on that ill-fated mission. Also, if you’re are into the space program, I highly recommend Michael Collin’s “Carrying the Fire”, widely recognized as the best of the astronaut bios.

    18. Irish Teacher.*

      I’m reading Maeve Binchey’s “Quintin’s”. And realised there is a character who is asexual. He doesn’t use that term because he is an older man in the 70s or 80s, so probably grew up in the early 20th century, but he says he never really took to dating. The other awesome thing is that he’s an elderly Brother (for non-Catholics, who may not be familiar with the term, it’s sort of like a monk) but wen he says he never had any interest in dating women and is asked if he would have rathered date men, he has no problem at all with the question, but replies he never had any interest in either gender.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        It’s so cool to find LGBTQIA+ characters in older literature, isn’t it? I was reading along in the unabridged Three Musketeers in French, and they start describing this one character, and I’m thinking that she sounds like a lesbian, but naahhh, I must’ve misunderstood. Nope, TOTALLY a lesbian. I was psyched.

    19. Pool Lounger*

      Just finished Say Nothing by Patrick Radden Keefe. It’s a true story of a murder that took place during the Troubles, and through that gives a chilling, unbiased history of the Troubles. The horrors committed by all sides are confronted, and I was amazed at how these issues still affect Northern Ireland to this day. The book is so absorbing I read it in three days.

      1. Reader2*

        Pool lounger. If you liked Say Nothing, try the Sean Duffy series by Adrian McGinty. Sean is a Catholic Police Officer in North Ireland during The Troubles. They are Fiction but the author grew up in Belfast so it was a great account,

    20. Brandon Sanderson is also a good bet*

      This is a slightly different approach, but here’s a sample of books (in no particular order) from a variety of genres that I’d recommend to anyone. Many of these are well known and frequently recommended; most have been around for a while. But if you haven’t read all of them, go for the missing ones!

      The Name of the Wind – Patrick Rothfuss
      A Man Called Ove – Fredrik Backman
      The Martian – Andy Weir
      All Systems Red (and the other Murderbot stories) – Martha Wells
      Educated – Tara Westover
      Ender’s Game / Ender’s Shadow – Orson Scott Card
      Predictably Irrational – Dan Ariely
      The Pillars of the Earth – Ken Follett

      I’m always looking for new books and would love any recommendations in the “if you liked this, you’d probably like that” vein.

      1. RosyGlasses*

        It’s always so much fun to see another reader that has similar interests! I’ve read pretty much everything on your list except for two (Wells and Ariely).

        Have you read the Pathfinder trilogy by Orson Scott Card? So well done and engaging (also a bit mind-bendy with the time travel explanations, which is fun).

        Another really great fantasy series that I don’t see recommended often but I thought was easy to drop into the world and engage with it was the Pellinor Series (4 books) by Allison Croggan.

        1. Brandon Sanderson is also a good bet*

          Haven’t read the Pathfinder series, I’ll take a look! Pellinor I read the first one and then must have lost track of it — I tend to use library holds and end up reading 3 or 4 series at the same time as they become available; sometimes I lose track of one. Thanks for the reminder!

          Definitely read the Murderbot series, even if you don’t normally do a bunch of sci-fi. Ariely is a non-fiction one I find really interesting too although I think some of the science has since been questioned

          1. RosyGlasses*

            I like sci fi quite a bit and have seen Murderbot recommended here sooo many times I just may try it!

    21. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Reading *The Last Love of Arsene Lupin* by Maurice LeBlanc to practice my French. Content warning — it’s kind of rape-y — but it is ridiculously fast-moving and has a ton of plot twists, and I am enjoying it. I see why this was a popular series!

    22. grumpycat*

      Just finished Rebecca Roanhorse’s Black Sun and Fevered Star. They both felt so fresh and really kept me wondering what would happen next. I listened to audiobooks for both and the voice actors were amazing.

    23. Not that other person you didn't like*

      I just finished The Midnight Library by Matt Haig and it was so good I’m sharing it everywhere.

      1. RosyGlasses*

        His other book The Humans is delightful as well – but I agree with you – the Midnight Library is wonderful and everyone should read it!

    24. Liane*

      I recently finished 2 books:
      1. Overdue: Reckoning with the Public Library by Amanda Oliver.
      It’s part autobiography, part history of US public libraries and librarians, and part a look at the inequities and other challenges facing librarians and patrons.
      I’m sure the contents will be familiar to the librarians here, but much of it was eye-opening to me, even after hearing from librarians on this site.
      2. Soul Taken by Patricia Briggs. The latest installment in the Mercy Thompson urban fantasy series. As usual Mercy takes on supernatural threats even though she is way out of their league. Pretty good.

    25. David*

      I’ve been really enjoying the Dragon Blood series by Lindsay Buroker. It’s basically a fantasy epic with elements of steampunk and romance thrown in here and there, but the characters are a lot more relatable (and entertaining) than most other fantasy novels I’ve read. Plus, it doesn’t have the “older is always better” vibe that I get from some of the fantasy classics.

      For a while (years) prior to this I had been on a run of books that were good but not exciting, and I kind of lost my enthusiasm for reading for a while. This series has got me excited about reading again :-)

    26. Clumsy Ninja*

      I love the Rizzoli & Isles series by Tess Gerritsen. They’re murder mysteries featuring two strong women – a Boston homicide detective and a medical examiner. I just read the newest one, Listen to Me. It was great.

      Now I’m waiting for Dave Grohl’s book The Storyteller to come in at my library.

    27. Random Biter*

      I love historical whodunnits. I’m reading Lindsey Davis’ newest Flavia Albia novel, “Desperate Undertakings.” I miss the Marco Didius Falco novels, but his adopted daughter is a quite satisfying substitute.

  7. Annie Edison*

    Please share your best binge-able show or podcast recommendations? I have access to Netflix, prime, and Disney plus but not Hulu or hbo.

    I’m recovering from a minor surgery this weekend and am looking for things that aren’t too serious, but have enough going on to keep my brain distracted from discomfort. I tend to enjoy fiction more than non-fiction for this type of thing, but open to both. Nothing scary! Currently half way through Partner Track on Netflix and while I wouldn’t call it great tv, it’s fitting the bill

    2. RobbinsWriting*

      We’re really enjoying Sprung on Freevee (via Prime)—STELLAR cast, and it’s a Greg Garcia show, so similar quirky humor as his others (Raising Hope, The Guest Book, My Name is Earl). Happy convalescing!

    3. Aphrodite*

      It’s nonfiction but Lucy Worsley’s videos (found on YouTube) are as fascinating as they are entertaining. I can watch them for hours on end.

    4. Madame Arcati*

      I don’t know what the channel would be in the US but I have just rediscovered ER (on All4 for any brits) and I haven’t seen it since whenever it originally stopped airing (2005?), possibly before then because I tailed off watching and I was never that regular (remember when if you missed an episode of anything, you just missed it?!). It is still really excellent drama and stands the test of time pretty well – a medical professional might see outdated things but it’s still really exciting.

    5. No pineapple on pizza*

      I’d recommend the British comedy show Taskmaster: several series are available on YouTube. Five comedians have to complete challenges (things like “do the most creative stunt using a wheelbarrow”, “write a song for a stranger”, “hide as much pineapple as you can about your person”), but what counts isn’t so much succeeding at the tasks as how they approach them. It’s definitely my favourite go-to comfort show!

      1. fposte*

        I’m so obsessed with Taskmaster. None of my friends are more than “It’s okay, I guess,” so thank God for the internet where I can dissect it endlessly.

        1. North Wind*

          Same – also, Taskmaster is available on Prime! And another Finnish season just dropped on the Taskmaster SuperMax+ channel (channel is available on Prime), but I have to wait to watch it until I can properly watch it because I have to read the subtitles.

          I love the international ones because you often see a new group of people engaging with a task you’ve already seen before.

          1. fposte*

            I’ve really loved Kongen Befaler and Stormester; I’m hearing good things about the Portuguese version, and of course New Zealand’s is amazing.

            1. North Wind*

              Ooooh, check out Bast i Test (Swedish version). This is my fav of the international ones so far. I thought I would be livid to come across any format changes, and this one mixes it up just a bit, but it absolutely works.

              1. fposte*

                I liked the first series okay, but it wasn’t up to the others for me. But that’s just one series, so I may like future ones better. And I just love the idea that there are so many versions I can still freshly watch.

        1. Despachito*

          Can you please give me an example? I think I am extremely sensitive to sexism so I would notice but the only thing I saw so far was that one participant said he was going “to lose himself in Allyson’s lovely eyes” (and sounded a bit weird) but then he said he is going to lose himself in Penn’s lovely eyes, so I’d think this does not count as sexism.

    7. slashgirl*

      I’m in Canada so some of the stuff on Prime/Netflix may vary.

      On Prime: Leverage–if you haven’t watched it, you should. It’s awesome. There’s a recent reboot (most of the same characters/actors) Leverage: Redemption, which I don’t have on Prime, but it might be on US Prime. Also, Bosch & Bosch Legacy, Goliath, The Boys (violent & graphic)

      Netflix : S.W.A.T. (reboot with Shemar Moore); In the Line of Duty (UK cop show), Prodigal Son (be warned–ends on a cliffhanger and was cancelled *grr*), The IT Crowd (UK comedy).

      1. UKDancer*

        Line of Duty is brilliant, incredibly well written. I also love SWAT, which has, of course, nothing to do with the fact that Shemar Moore is absolutely gorgeous.

        On youtube I love Lost in Adaptation with Dominic Noble because he’s got some interesting insights into how films are adapted. I also like Lucy Worsley and Reading the Past for history stuff.

      2. WorkNowPaintLater*

        Regretfully, Prodigal Son is streaming on HBOMax in the States. It can be bought on other services though…which I will be doing later tonight.

      3. David*

        +1 for Leverage, that might be my favorite show *ever*. (Or, it’s one of three contenders for my favorite, but I keep going back and forth between them depending on how I’m feeling – the others are Psych and Murdoch Mysteries, in case anyone reading this wanted to know.)

        And The IT Crowd is great not only because it’s funny, but it also captures so much of what life as an actual IT support person is like. (I’m not one but I know a bunch of people who are, so I hear the stories.) Plus it has what I would consider the funniest thing to ever appear on television, the internet-in-a-box scene.

    8. KatEnigma*

      Have you tried Uncoupled? I love NPH, but not always his work. I found it “not stupid” which is rare for a modern show and me.

      1. Still*

        Does Sandman get better after the diner episode? We loved it up till then but that episode was waaay too much.

        1. I Left My Heart...*

          Oh my gosh, that episode was horrible. Yes, it’s better after that. I would recommend anyone who hasn’t seen it yet just skip the diner episode.

        2. Neil gaiman fan*

          Oh, the next episode after the diner episode is the best of the series. Would 100% recommend watching that one.

          1. YNWA*

            The Hob storyline was way too long for me. I realize he gets an entire issue but so does Death. Some of the changes they’ve made from the comics has left me a little disappointed.

          2. Still*

            We’ve just watched it and loved it! Thank you, I don’t know if we’d have gotten around to doing it if not for your recommendation.

    10. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      The Lincoln Lawyer series on Netflix is good. Only one season so far, though.

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      It’s hard to top Leverage for lying around enjoying a zippy story, on Amazon/imdb with commercials.

      Netflix: Dark Matter, in which six people wake up on a space ship with no memory of who they are and how they got there. Put this in the “disparate people tossed into a crisis become a team” pile.

    12. ecnaseener*

      The new A League of Their Own miniseries on prime was great! 8 episodes so it won’t fill your entire weekend but it’ll take up a chunk.

    13. Zephy*

      You’re getting a lot of TV recommendations, so here are some podcasts!

      Fiction:
      The Strange Case of Starship Iris – kind of like if Firefly had queer POC who treated each other like people instead of communicating entirely in sarcastic quips. Small backlog, currently on indefinite hiatus, I hope Jessica Best comes back to this project eventually.

      The Adventure Zone – bills itself as a TTRPG podcast but it’s more of a comedy/fiction podcast using a TTRPG system as a framing device for the story. Huge backlog, very bingeable and very funny, if you’re already familiar with the McElroy Family and their many podcasts….well, you probably already listen to TAZ in that case, but if you’ve been putting that off, now’s a great time to get into it.

      Non-fiction:
      Ridiculous Crime – did you know there are crimes besides murder and SA, and sometimes they are very silly? True-crime podcast that focuses on those other felonies and the wacky folx that commit them. “99% murder-free and 100% ridiculous” is the tagline. The hosts are delightful. The first episode is about the teenager who stole Guy Fieri’s car.

      Ridiculous Romance – produced by the same good people who bring you Ridiculous Crime (but different hosts), all about interesting people and their interpersonal relationships. Did you know anything about Winston Churchill’s wife, Clementine? You will after you listen to their episode. Mature language (meaning: they say “fuck” and talk about sex), but if that’s OK with you it’s a lot of fun to listen.

      I’m generally more of a fan of a “host presenting a report about a topic” format of podcast as opposed to “friends chatting about whatever” format, but I think both of these blend those formats nicely. The hosts have a “friends chatting” dynamic while they present a report to you, the listener.

    14. Pippa K*

      Best thing I’ve seen in quite a while was The Outlaws, available in the US on Prime. British, amazing cast (including Christopher Walken and Stephen Merchant) and both funny and dramatic in about equal proportions. We loved it!

      2. I take tea*

        Thirding The Good Place. I think we have watched it four times now. It’s both fun and feel good, and discusses serious things like what is a good person and what is the moral way to live.

    16. Lemonwhirl*

      When I had Covid in February, I binged “Inventing Anna” on Netflix. It was great for recovery TV – not too taxing on the mind and the characters were compelling.

    17. VLookupsAreMyLife*

      Gentified, Working Moms, Kim’s Convenience, & Sex Education are all fabulous comedies. I also really enjoyed Stateless & Dead to Me.

    19. Stephanie*

      I highly recommend “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” on Prime. It’s delightful and funny, and the clothes are to die for. There’s also a movie on Prime called “Brittany Runs a Marathon” that’s sweet and doesn’t ask too much of the viewer, but is worth your time.

      1. Rara Avis*

        My 14yo is watching Bluey as comfort food/ de stressing from starting high school. If it keeps the attention of a cynical teen it has to be good.

    23. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      For SF types, if you haven’t watched it, I highly, HIGHLY recommend “The Orville” (on Hulu and Disney+). Season 3 is incredible, and ranks up there with the best of Star Trek.

    24. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      Another fun series on HBO Max is “Harley Quinn”. WARNING: This series may be animated, but it is very NSFW.

    25. Kittee*

      Dog School! It’s on prime with ads. It’s one of the most charming things I’ve ever seen. Also All Creatures Great and Small, can probably find it on PBS if you are in the states. And of course the Great British Baking Show. I resisted watching that for years — how interesting could it be to someone who doesn’t bake? But oh, it’s wonderful.

      1. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

        For those who just want mindless cuteness (and who doesn’t every now and then), There’s “Too Cute” on Animal Planet. Baby pups and kittens!

    26. RosyGlasses*

      If you haven’t watched the Wheel of Time on Prime – they did a pretty decent job adapting from the books. I thoroughly enjoyed the fantasy series!

    27. RosyGlasses*

      I also really enjoyed the frivolous series “Selling Sunset” and “Selling the OC” – if you like random drama centered around bosom-y real estate agents who show houses on 7-inch heels. I always wonder what would happen if they had an HR department which is kind of fun, but definitely escape tv.

      For podcasts, lately I’ve been listening to “SmartLess” on Wondery/Amazon Music. I have a subscription to listen to the whole episode without ads, but it’s Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes, and Will Arnett hosting other folks, learning a few things, being wacky, and talking way too much about Arrested Development. But I like listening to them and its something I can tune out if I want and not worry about missing things.

    28. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      You can sign up for Peacock TV for free right now and see Columbo! I am working my way through them. They are not scary — just very enjoyable in a slower-paced 1970s-1990s kind of crime show way. The acting, set design, and costumes are generally superb.

      Good luck as you recover! Feel better soon!

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I don’t know if it is still available on Netflix, but I LOVED Chewing Gum with the very talented Michaela Coel starring as a young woman from a deeply religious family navigating her sexuality. She actually created and wrote the whole series, wrote the music for the series, and produced half of it. She is super talented.

            1. (Another) Squirrel Nutkin*

              I didn’t realize there was someone posting with this name on these boards — I’ll change mine. Sorry!

    29. David*

      Unless you absolutely despise science fiction, I would absolutely recommend The Orville, which is available on Disney Plus (as well as Hulu for those who have it). It’s probably my favorite TV show of the last 5+ years. I like to think of it as “Star Trek with real people”: it’s the same kind of spaceship-based episodic science fiction as Star Trek, but the characters are less serious. They joke around with each other, complain about each other, form friendships and relationships, and sometimes they step back and just marvel at how bizarre of a universe they live in. But despite all the comedy, the show also tackles some serious themes like gender discrimination, online bullying, disinformation, etc. and I have to say they do a pretty good job of incorporating them in a way that feels natural. (I mean, it doesn’t always make total sense, but that’s the nature of a Star Trek-like show, things don’t really make sense if you think about them hard enough, so you just have to not think too hard.)

      It currently has three seasons, and I believe Disney is deciding whether to renew it for a fourth depending on how many people watch it on Disney Plus.

      If you do watch it and get that far, be aware that there’s a big shift in tone; it gets more serious and much less comedic at the beginning of the third season, although by the end of the third season they’re back to having some funny moments.

    30. Natalie*

      Podcast recommendation: Double Love

      If you grew up reading the Sweet Valley High books, even if you kind of hate them a little, this podcast is super fun. It’s these two Irish women going through the books and kind of love/hate retelling and making fun of them. It’s totally frivolous, and genuinely funny.

    31. Esmeralda*

      Netflix, Taco Chronicles. In which we learn that tacos are life and culture, and also that tacos can be filled with almost anything

  8. Gatomon*

    I’m on an organization/decluttering kick and my kitchen needs help. I only have a few drawers and the one that traditionally holds pot holders, measuring cups and random utensils (like whisk or ice cream scoop or can opener, these are all key things) is exploding. How do I organize this stuff??

    I don’t really want to leave it sit out as I have limited countertop space and the small island is already a kind of dumping ground. Maybe a basket or something in a cabinet? I still have some space there. My pantry is full too, but maybe I need to do some organization in there?

      1. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

        I am also lacking in drawer space so I hung my measuring cups and spoons on the door of an upper cabinet using 3m hooks. It works really well – they more accessible than in a drawer

        1. eeeek*

          Agree. I was surprised by how much space I found on the inside of my cupboard doors – I used 3M stickies (extras from removable hooks) to install thin sheets of steel, then glued button magnets I salvaged to measuring cups and spoons so I could hang them up. Very handy.

        2. Cedrus Libani*

          I have an over-the-door organizer that I slung over the door of a large cabinet, and it holds measuring cups, spatulas / tongs / etc, and other cooking essentials. Using stick on hooks for something like that would be even better – obviously a cabinet door is thinner than the room door the organizer was designed for, so it’s a bit unstable.

      2. Emotional support capybara*

        In my previous apartment where the walk-in closet was bigger than the kitchen, I hung the critical utensils on Command hooks stuck on the fridge.

    2. Inkhorn*

      I feel your pain. I only moved into my apartment three weeks ago and my utensil drawer is already chaos. My current plan (unless this thread throws out any better ones) is a patchwork of open containers to group items of similar type or size. Might not cure the chaos but at least it will be broken down into manageable pieces.

      If any of your shelves have a bit of space immediately below them, could you attach a basket underneath? IKEA sell ones that hook onto the front of the shelf and sit beneath it, and there’s probably other retailers with something similar.

    3. Madame Arcati*

      I have pot holders and an oven glove on hooks on the end of a base unit. I could see hooks also being useful for measuring cups and spoons; they usually have a hole in the handle end so you could make a couple of groups of them, and put them on loops of wire or string or whatever, rather than cramming loads of them onto one hook.
      For things like the ice cream scoop, whisk, can opener, I would go for a basket in a cabinet if no drawer space, but rather than an actual basket made of wicker or whatever (annoying for cleanliness) get one in solid plastic* or wood or whatever, easier to wipe clean. A shallowish one like a small drawer, so you don’t have to dig around. Or if you have more shallow oven dishes than you use, I’m thinking like a lasagna dish, that would be good.
      *yes I know plastic but it isn’t single use

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I have an antique crock holding my utensils because I also lack drawer space. I chose to keep the pot holders and other cloth items in a drawer because I don’t want them laying around to get messed up. The antique crock came into play when I thought about what I have on hand that I could use and avoid buying more things. You might have a decorative flower pot or something else on hand that you are not really using that much.

        1. Madame Arcati*

          Yes, I have the half-dozen most often used utensils (fish slice, slotted spoon, that sort of thing) standing up in a cylindrical container on the counter top right next to the hob.

          1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

            Yes, I actually thought utensil crocks were standard practice! That explains why I had such a hard time finding a cute one.

            I only have a smidge of counter space too, but having the wooden spoon right next to the stove top is worth it. And it really doesn’t take up that much room.

            You could also stick the whole thing in a cabinet and it’d still be a useful way of storing all those weirdly shaped utensils vertically.

            1. Pippa K*

              I use cheap, colorful glass vases for utensils. They’re easy to find in various sizes at charity shops, can serve another purpose if I get tired of them on the counter, and if one gets broken it’s no great loss.

          2. Curmudgeon in California*

            This. We often put the most often used cooking utensils in cylindrical holders so they are upright and available instead of buried in the scrambled tool drawer.

    4. Despachito*

      When we remodeled our kitchen it was overflowing with stuff accumulated over the previous years.

      Here is what we did: We put in the new drawers things we knew we positively used. We put the rest (things we did not use for a long time, or things we had a multiple amount of) in a box outside the kitchen, let it sit there for a month or two to see whether we miss them. If we did, we added them to the kitchen, if not, we got rid of them afterwards.

      Because there was no way in hell we could have put back ALL the stuff, it was just too much.

      Perhaps you could try to completely empty your drawers and try this method?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I have a high shelf- accessible by step-stool only. I put stuff up there that does not get much use. Every so often, I work through that and get rid of it all, then I put the next group up on the shelf.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Gifts, impulse purchases, FOMO… there are just so many reasons. We buy when we are happy. We buy when we are sad. Then there’s boredom and fatigue-more buying opportunities. Wait, we haven’t gotten to loneliness or compulsion….

    5. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      I have these little wire mini shelves kn my cabinet which allow me to stack things easier. Vertical storage is often the trick here.

    7. WellRed*

      Magnetic hook holders for potholders to stick on stove or side of fridge. I’d also put, space permitting, things I used regularly like a bottle opener, in the regular silverware drawer but that depends how big it is.

      1. Jay*

        Our bottle opener has a magnet and is on the fridge, which I really like (it’s also shaped like a trilobite because I’m married to a geologist. YMMV).

        I put dividers into my “gadget” drawer which made it easier to find things even though we don’t really sort them. It’s easier to see them than when they were in one random pile. I have a separate drawer for measuring spoons and cups because we have a ridiculous number of both, and I put dividers in there so I have a section for the spoons and then sections for each set of measuring cups. Makes it much easier to figure out that all the 1/4 cup measures are in the dishwasher….

      2. Despachito*

        We have a magnetic knife strip on our kitchen wall – takes up no space, knives are at hand and do not become blunt as they probably would if thrown in the drawer.

        In our previous kitchen we had a rail with hooks running below the cabinets, and that was where we hanged a lot of utensils and even kitchen scales. It was useful but a bit messy. The carpenter who designed our new kitchen told us we would not need them, and we don’t.

        I think the key thing for us was to get rid of stuff.

    8. NerdyPrettyThings*

      I have two long farmhouse shelves in my kitchen. Best thing ever. They hold soooo much stuff! They are only about eight inches deep, so they pretty much only use wall space.

    9. Not A Manager*

      You don’t mention cabinet space or closet space. I create more drawers by getting any kind of stackable drawer sets that fit into the available cubic area.

      Put as large drawers as will fit into a cabinet, closet or even an open corner. Depending on where these new drawers are and how accessible they are, you will need to re-organize your kitchen. Put often-used items into accessible places and less-used items into less accessible places. While you do that, you can also purge things that you just don’t need.

    10. Stephanie*

      If at least some of your random stuff is metal, you can use one of those magnetic knife holders above your counter–or on the side of a cabinet, or any open wall space–to hold it. We have two: one for knives, and one for other things. It gets things out of the drawers, and keeps them close at hand without taking up any counter space. Alternately, if things you need to store aren’t magnetic, I’ve seen rails hung above the counter and small plastic containers hung on hooks from the rail. IKEA has those, and lots of other options for storage, if you have one near you.

    11. The Other Dawn*

      My kitchen is really tiny. I have a magnetic strip on my wall, which hold all my prep knives. I also bought long, straight drawer handles and attached them to the sides of my cabinets. I added hooks and I hang my most often used utensils there, like spatulas, tongs, measuring cups and spoons, etc. I did the same thing for the pot holders. Note: drawer handles only work if you can access the other side of wherever you’re hanging them, like a cabinet side or cabinet door. If you’re hanging things on a wall, you’ll need rails. Go to the IKEA website and search for Kungsfors of Hultarp rails (or another style).

    12. the cat's ass*

      I have a pot hanger suspended from the ceiling and that takes care of most of my pots and pans; the rest live in the oven and broiler. I also hung a pegboard a’la Julia Child on one wall and hang a lot of stuff on there. Last, I have an old crock for utensils next to the stove.

    13. Chaordic One*

      I bought a bunch of cheap hooks with magnetic backs from my local dollar store and I use them to hang my pot holders from my fridge and the front of my oven. I also bought some cheap claspy things (sort of like clothes pins) with magnetic backs that I use to hold things on my fridge. The hooks and clasps get things off the counter and out of the drawers, up and out of the way, but where I can still see them if I need them.

    14. Firebird*

      Hardware stores can have some great organizing items. I found a red magnetic strip in a hardware store for an insanely low price. It has mounting hardware so it can be mounted on the wall or just stuck to the fridge.

    15. Suprisingly ADHD*

      For odd-shaped utensils and limited drawer/counter space, I recommend a tall jar against the counter wall! Whisks, ladles, pasta scoops, and our favorite large wooden and plastic serving/cooking spoons are easily accessible, and stuff that we use less or doesn’t stand in the jar (like the can opener and pizza wheel) have space in the drawers. Flat stuff like rubber spatulas and skewers fit better in the drawer than ladles.

    16. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      As much as possible, I like to deescalate my misc drawer by putting things near where I will most likely use them, so I have like a punch tool I use to make holes in cans of condensed milk when I’m making coffee/tea, and I store it on the shelf where I keep my teas and tea mugs. I keep my can opener on the shelf where I keep catfood. I keep all my cooking utensils (wooden spoons, ladles, spatulas) in an upright container on the counter by the stove, with overflow (because sometimes you can never have too many heat-proof rubber spatulas) tucked into the drawer of potholders/tea towels that’s right next to the stove. Like others have mentioned, I hang whatever is hangable, and have specifically hung my measuring cups/spoons from the cabinet where I keep my spices, which is also near the counter where I keep my stand mixer. So, basically, whatever you can do to think of the parts of your kitchen as different zones, like, “here’s where I make hot beverages, here’s where I do chopping/prep, here’s where I do stovetop cooking, here’s where I do baking…” And then parcel the related utensils out to those zones as much as possible.

    17. Gatomon*

      Thank you all for your suggestions! I will look into getting a utensil cup and some hooks for the cabinet doors. I don’t think a knife rail will be much use as I don’t really have knives – I just slice myself open because I’m hopeless in the kitchen when it comes to cutting/chopping. That could be part of the clutter as I have things like a melon baller and potato peeler instead of something more multipurpose like a paring knife. I do also have double of things I use frequently that I hate realizing are dirty when I need them, like spatulas and measuring cups from when I was more apt to let dishes pile up (I worked on that really hard the last few years to try and break the habit), so maybe I can donate some of these items.

      Potholders could possibly just live in a stack next to the stove. They were hand-sewn by my late great-grandma and she didn’t put hooks on them like store-bought ones.

      I have a trip planned to a city with an IKEA next month, so I will be putting their kitchen organization section on my list! And a re-evaluation of what all I have stashed in the kitchen. There are definitely items left over from when I didn’t have a dishwasher and didn’t care if things were dishwasher-safe that I now avoid using because they have to be handwashed.

  9. Princess Deviant*

    Hi do any of you have any recommendations for books that give the basics of Judaism for a non-Jew?
    Thanks.

    1. Madame Arcati*

      This is probably less helpful than others to follow me but – I had questions about Judaism arsing from spending a couple of days (with work) in an area of a uk city heavily populated by Orthodox Jewish people (but not interacting). In those days, no internet at home, I did the old fashioned thing and went to get a book out of the library. What I ended up with was a children’s book and it was just the thing because I wanted to know about customs and cultural things and daily life for observant Jews, and the thinking/ origins behind that. Not for if you want more thoughtful doctrinal info perhaps, but putting it out there.

    3. HannahS*

      Jewish Literacy by Joseph Telushkin, and/or Biblical Literacy from the same author. Both are huge tomes but divided into eminently readable chapters, each it’s own fully contained content. Both are excellent.

      1. Jay*

        Opened this thread to make the same recommendation. Also agree with myjewishlearning.com One problem with the Internet on this subject (f0r me, anyway) is the preponderance of Orthodox and Chasidic sites that come up with a basic search. They have a tremendous amount of info from one fairly narrow perspective, and if that’s all you read, you won’t get an accurate picture of the rich variety of Jewish understanding and practice.

        So Telushkin if you want historical info and background and myjewishlearning for a quick and more entertaining approach.

      2. FashionablyEvil*

        Jewish Literacy is pretty encyclopedic, coming in at nearly 800 pages. It’s not designed as a primer, but pretty much all topics related to Judaism are covered.

    4. Mia*

      This isn’t specifically for non-Jews but I really liked Here All Along by Sarah Hurwitz, a former speech writer for Michelle Obama. As someone raised more culturally Jewish, I learned a lot about Judaism from it and it was an easy read.

    5. The Cosmic Avenger*

      The Jewish Book of Why is pretty interesting, although it’s a bit more of a reference book than a primer; I was raised Jewish and went to a few years of Hebrew school decades ago, and I found it interesting. But it does cover a lot of the basics.

    6. curly sue*

      Thirding the recommendation for myjewishlearning – and adding the caveat that even that won’t cover the wide, wide range of practice and culture out there.

      Every community will have its own minhag – its own particular spin on how Jewish law and custom work – and it can be very tiring to hear “but aren’t you Jewish? I thought Jews did / didn’t do xyz…” from folks who’ve talked to someone or done some reading from a source from a different tradition.

      (There’s also a saying – ‘two Jews, three opinions’ – and in my experience that definitely holds true. So read with the understanding that a single source will only ever give you a very small slice of the basics.)

      1. A Becky*

        Huh – I always heard “three Jews, seven opinions” (me, you, her, me and you, you and her, me and her, none of us. All of us? Don’t be daft!)

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        Ha! I think of “two Jews, three opinions” as shorthand for “this is a religion & culture that really values the asking of questions.”

      3. Jean (just Jean)*

        TL;DR: No kidding about “two Jews, three opinions!” The follow-up folk expression might be “…and hundreds of thousands of written words, paintings, music, theater, dance, folk art, high-level crafts, stand-up comedy, cartoons, movies, and documentaries.” It’s enough to overwhelm anybody. I say this as somebody who loves being Jewish.

        Details:
        Your friend/acquaintance might find it helpful to check out several books on the Jewish holiday year or life cycle events–especially from branches of Judaism beyond Orthodox or the various subsets of Hasidism (Chabad, etc.): Reform, Reconstructionism, or Conservative (aka Masorti / Traditional in Israel). There are also Humanist Jewish congregations and lots of folks who define themselves by their work for social justice rather than belief in an all-powerful deity or continuation of traditional rituals.

        For contemporary discussions of the holidays, see “Seasons of Our Joy” by Arthur Waskow and “Gates of the Seasons” by Peter Knobel. The latter was published by CCAR (Central Conference of American Rabbis), the professional group for Reform Jewish rabbis. Yes, both books discuss rituals. Or try a cookbook. Most Jewish cookbooks will share holiday recipes from different historical eras and geographic areas.

        “The Jewish Catalog” (eventually followed by second and third volumes) was groundbreaking when published fifty years ago (1970s are 50 years ago?!) by grandchildren wanting to reclaim and revitalize traditions cast off by previous generations as they moved into mainstream American life.

        Certainly there’s way more to Jewish life, American or otherwise, than bagels, chicken soup, matzoh balls, and a few pithy Yiddish expressions brought from the Old Country by people similar to those portrayed in “Fiddler on the Roof.” But that said, Irving Howe wrote a wonderful history of Eastern European Jews coming to the U.S. in “World of Our Fathers.”

        A partial list of books or authors I’ve encountered. Apologies for any and all omissions!
        – Michael Twitty is a culinary historian, author of “The Cooking Gene,” “Kosher Soul,”
        and the blog “Afroculinaria.”
        – Carolivia Herron wrote “Always an Olivia” about the centuries-long thread of Sephardic Jewish life in her family.
        – For glimpses of Jewish life in the American south (mostly but not entirely rural and small-town) see “Mat­zoh Ball Gum­bo: Culi­nary Tales of the Jew­ish South” by Mar­cie Cohen Ferris or “The Jew Store” by Stella Suberman.

        For other resources on the the Jewish experience, check out books and websites about synagogue architecture and Jewish museums. The Jewish Publication Society and Jewish Book Council both maintain websites that include book reviews and lists of award-winning titles. And of course there’s always one’s local bookstore, library (public, private, and even in some synagogues and temples)…

        Okay, I’ll stop now.

    8. Overbooked*

      I liked The Great Courses’ “Introduction to Judaism.” I got the DVD set from the library. It’s also available streaming on Kanopy, which my library provides too.

    10. Observer*

      chabad.org and aish.com

      Yes, they only cover Orthodox Judaism and Jewish history, but if you actually want to know about Judaism, this is a big piece of the mix.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Thank you, I’ve been finding the descriptions of the holidays very helpful from chabad.org.

  10. Whataburger*

    I’m currently in the fog of adjusting to life with newborn and I’m not sure what to think of the following.

    As mentioned, I just had a baby (yay!) and I was lucky to have my mom here with me for the first 6 weeks. We’ve known for several months that my husband would be away for 2 months on a military op days after our child was born, so it was especially helpful that my mom was here. We’re stationed completely across the country from all family (think CA with all fam in NY) and my MIL also offered to come and “cover” the remaining time until husband came back.

    My mom left and MIL arrived a few hours later. Upon her arrival she tells me that BIL is getting married (i.e. a courthouse ceremony) while she’s out here and she is sad to be missing it. In a nutshell, it’s very short notice and there is major drama with future SIL insisting that it be on X date (I’m even wondering if she is insisting on this date so that my MIL conveniently won’t be there, which would be so f’d up but I digress). Almost none of BILs family can attend due to the short notice but all of f-SIL’s family is able to fly in. This has weighed heavily on my MIL and I know she wants to be at the ceremony.

    BIL asks if MIL can fly back for the day, but realistically she would fly out the day before and come back the day after therefore being gone for 3 days. She asked me what I thought and I said I was neither here nor there about it and I know she’s between a rock and a hard place. She started looking up flights and is deciding what to do.

    Now I’m sitting here thinking WTF, you made a commitment to me and my husband (your other son) months ago to be here for two weeks to help me and so I wouldn’t be alone. Note, I am too chicken to actually say this to her at the moment. I don’t want her to miss her son’s wedding either but your grandchild and I are SOL? I was already nervous with COVID/general germ exposure on her flight out here (no direct flights unfortunately). If she leaves and comes back again it’s starting the exposure clock all over and I’m thinking of telling her, if you leave don’t come back.

    While thinking out loud she did offer to fly us out with her (I don’t feel comfortable with air travel, baby is too young) and threw it out there that we could drive (it would take 4-5 days and we’d have to leave tomorrow, but I also don’t think that is great for baby).

    So yeah, that’s where we are at the moment. WWYD if you were my MIL?

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I think it sounds challenging for her to go since it’s short notice and requires last minute travel, which entails both expense and Covid risk… but also that’s her kid getting married. I would be devastated to miss my childrens’ weddings and would go to huge lengths to be there no matter how difficult the timing was, what other commitments I’d made, or how their partners seemed to feel about me.

      Obviously YOU should not fly/drive across the country and back 6 weeks post partum, with an infant, during a pandemic. But you can handle being alone for 3 days or the remaining week between when she leaves and when your husband gets home! Plenty of new moms get less than 8 weeks of this level of support and our families turn out fine.

    2. Xyz*

      She should go. It’s her sons wedding, it’s a once in a life time event. It’s extremely selfish of you to think she should miss it, she had no idea that it was going to happen when she agreed to help, and his wedding is so much more important. People take care of babies by themselves all the time, you should be able to handle 3 days.

      1. Melody Pond*

        This seems needlessly harsh and judgmental. And why is a wedding more important than taking care of a newborn? They’re both important, both “once in a lifetime” events, and OP’s questions are valid.

        Also, have you ever had to keep a newborn alive on your own?

        1. Janet Pinkerton*

          Agreed that it’s needlessly harsh and judgmental. But attending your child’s wedding is more important than caring for a six week old. You can hire a night nurse to help care for the baby; you can’t hire backup to be at a wedding.

          Also, baby is six weeks. In my experience, OP is past the hardest initial part. It’s not like it’s week one or two. (I’m nursing my six month old as I type so the memory is fresh.)

        2. KatEnigma*

          I have kept a baby alive all by myself, yes. Many women do. I wouldn’t have been that strident, but it doesn’t get easier. Especially if you don’t do it by yourself.

        3. Gyne*

          It didn’t read as harsh to me at all. As someone who is raising two children, six weeks is not at an age where you need “help” with a baby. Most women are (unfortunately) back to work at this point and I can see if MIL had agreed to come provide childcare while OP works until the OP’s husband is back to take over SAHD duties, the timing of the wedding is inconvenient, but it’s something I’d advise OP to talk to her manager about to arrange for those days off. I think the MelodyPond’s snarky comment is uncalled for.

          I also don’t see “existence of a six week old” as a “once in a lifetime” event in the same scale as a wedding. Technically each day of this child’s life is a once in a lifetime event.

          1. ThatGirl*

            I’m not a parent, but 3 months maternity leave is fairly standard – six weeks would be very short! (I realize however that for some lower wage workers that may in fact be the option.)

            1. S*

              A lot of places don’t offer maternity leave, so you’re left with fmla if that even applies, maybe state disability if you’re lucky, and how long you personally can survive unpaid.

              1. Gyne*

                Yes, this. Using FMLA is fairly common, but very few people are in the position to take a full 12 weeks unpaid. For short-term disability, 6 weeks is standard for vaginal delivery, 8 weeks for c-section. The disability payments are very rarely in the vicinity of replacing a person’s salary during that time.

                I can rant about the state of parental leave in this country for a long time, but that’s for another thread on another forum… :)

              2. ThatGirl*

                What I usually see is a combination of a few weeks of paid leave and short term disability/fmla that adds up to about 3 months. I know it’s not perfect and not everyone can do that, but it’s been common for my friends and coworkers.

        4. BubbleTea*

          The wedding wasn’t an act of nature, someone chose that date. They had plenty of notice that the baby was coming and it sounds like they deliberately booked it to overlap. That whole family sounds like a huge heap of drama.

          OP, I am a single parent and my mum was with me for the first three weeks of my baby’s life and then went home. I was a bit panicked about the idea but I found it was actually good to settle into my own routine. She came back again when baby was 3 months old, and it was striking how different things felt – there were so many more things I was just not needing any help with.

          You can’t decide what MIL will do, you can only decide what you are comfortable with. If the options that you’re okay with are: MIL stays and doesn’t go to the wedding, or MIL goes to the wedding and doesn’t come back, those are perfectly valid. Tell her that you’d prefer her to choose one of those options due to the infection risk, and let her decide. Your boundaries are about you, not her.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        OP may have other factors that we don’t know. A tamer factor to consider is maybe OP is trying to do this with a broken arm. OP should not have to explain extenuating circumstances. Additionally, it’s perfectly okay to want someone there with us when something new is going on. I bought a new house, I wanted my father to come see it ASAP.
        This is pretty normal stuff, actually.

        OP, it’s very hard to be unselfish when we have our own needs as a high priority. I commend you for telling your MIL she can go. And I also understand how it sucks to be saying that. Don’t let the conflicting emotions wear you down- it’s okay to have two different emotions at the same time.

        Can you find someone else who would come and stay?
        Are there people close by you who would be willing to do daily check-ins?
        Can MIL Skype into the wedding?
        Can she go to the wedding and remain in contact with you by Zoom or other means?

        In an ideal world, you’d tell her to go and she would decide to stay. But that is not always how these stories play out. Worse yet there is no winning answer- each answer has a downside. I think your best bet it to look around and see what resources you can tap IF she decides to go. Your solution could look like, “No, it’s okay MIL, Sally and Jane are going to take turns staying with me.” In other words your solution might be like putting jigsaw puzzle pieces together.

      3. Sloanicota*

        There were about a millions ways to make this same point that weren’t hurtful to a struggling new mom.

        1. Ellie*

          I know, yikes. One minute it’s “having a new baby is hard. Be kind to yourself, ask for help, and understand it’s a very challenging time” and the next it’s “it’s only a six-week old baby, you’ll do just fine. Plenty of other people do it all by themselves, suck it up.” I’m baffled by the insensitivity. Yes she can do it by herself. It’s also okay to say it will be very hard! (For my first that would have meant I probably don’t sleep, shower, or eat a nice meal for however the length of time I’m alone with the baby.”

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I think that on top of what other folks have pointed out already, telling her to not come back would throw a big ugly bomb into your relationship with your in-laws, and your husband probably doesn’t need you being nasty to his mom while he’s deployed. It’s three days, she’s already doing you a huge favor by coming to help out, you can deal for a couple days while she goes to her son’s wedding. And while you’re at it, quit making up reasons to make your future SIL the bad guy, that won’t help your family relations either. The brother agreed to the wedding date too.

      2. Despachito*

        It depends HOW you tell her to not come back.

        My take is:

        – she should go, it is her child’s wedding and it is understandable she wants to be there
        – you are fully entitled to be afraid of Covid exposure, and in such case I would tell her that but less harshly.

        As one who was very grateful for my Aunt coming during the entire postpartum period to help me, I feel you, but I think you will be fine and if you are generous here, it will pay back in the future.

      3. Dark Macadamia*

        I think that part was a Covid risk concern of being on a plane twice and attending an event, not like a spiteful “if you leave now don’t even bother coming back!” Personally if I were in this situation I would tell her not to come back just because doing another cross-country flight for a couple extra days of babysitting is ridiculous

    4. AcademiaNut*

      I do think that her child marrying on short notice is an acceptable reason to leave you for a couple of days. It’s not something she could have predicted, and it is a once in a lifetime thing. I’d think of it as being in the same category as falling ill, or having her flight cancelled, rather than being cavalier about the commitment.

      I can definitely understand not wanting to fly with a newborn, and driving for 10 days total with a new born is absolutely not something you should do. You’re not supposed to have a baby in a carseat for more than two hours at a stretch (strictly speaking, the recommendation is two hours in a 24 hour period), and you can’t feed or change or burp the kid in a car, so if 4-5 days is regular driving, you could easily be looking at twice that with a baby, if not more.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I moved from Illinois to Arizona in a car with a two-month-old, it was so miserable and took much longer. Lots of crying, lots of breastfeeding in random farm driveways in Kansas, and did you know a lot of gas stations don’t have changing tables? Highly disrecommended lol

      2. HBJ*

        Eh. Sure, I probably wouldn’t want to do this long of a road trip with a baby that age, but it can be done. We did a six-hour road trip with our 1.5-week-old. She slept the whole way with one stop in the middle for a feed.

        And you certainly can feed, change and burp a baby in a car. While driving, no, but pulled over on the side, yes. The stops we made (both going and coming) were just pulled over in parking lots. Laid the baby out on the seat for changes. Sat in my seat to nurse.

        And for the record, this was my first, so I wasn’t experienced at all. It was no big deal. Tbh, I think traveling with a newborn or any baby under 1ish is way easier than with any other young child, especially if you’re breastfeeding.

    5. RagingADHD*

      I say this as a mom who went through the fog of newborn time twice.

      It’s going to be fine. The baby is six weeks old. You will be okay for three days. And being in your own home with the baby is going to be a heckova lot easier than being in a car for 4 days.

      There is a panicky feeling about being left alone with the baby, I know. I’ve been there. It’s normal to feel that way. But you will be fine. You have already been able to postpone that moment longer than many people can.

      It’s really going to be okay. It’s a lot of work, but you can do it. If you need practical help, there are usually networks of military wives who live on / near base who would be happy to help out.

      Don’t lean on your MIL or give her a hard time. She isn’t abandoning you or blowing you off. This is a huge deal for her. Your BIL is her kid.

      All that is the long way of saying that if I were in your MIL’s position, I’d go.

      2. Janet Pinkerton*

        Full agree! One possible option is also hiring a night nurse while MIL is gone, for nighttime assistance.

      3. Ella*

        This is a kind response!

        Whataberger, you deserve a lot of grace. I had a pandemic baby too, and I remember the fear of COVID. My baby was born just before vaccines were available and I wanted and needed help so much, but was also terrified of others bringing in COVID, so I get it! You are allowed to feel what you feel. No feelings are bad, they just are. So feel mad, feel scared – write to the internet like you did, vent to your friends, write in your journal! Validate. But you aren’t “too chicken” to tell your MIL all this – deep down, beneath the hormones and fear, you haven’t said that because you know you’d regret it. There’s still a lot your MIL can do to support you – she can leave you stocked with meals and clean laundry before she goes, and help catch up when she comes home. It will be hard, but you got this!

        I totally get the fear and anger. Your instincts and hormones and everything is primed to put your baby first right now and have some fear and panic when your plans are disrupted. Feel your feels and let her go. You got this!

        1. Sloanicota*

          Yeah, this feels like the right response. And OP should never feel bad about how they feel. How you feel just – is. But you can choose to be gracious about this unexpected interruption to your plans and you can ask your MIL to wear a high quality mask in as many circumstances as possible and do rapid testing every twelve hours after the exposure.

    6. Fiunnea*

      If I was her, I’d go to the wedding. It’s her kid’s wedding! She has no idea it would be an issue when she offered to help you out, and it would be unreasonable and unkind to hold her to that offer in the face of this change in circumstances. Plus, she didn’t just announce she was doing it, she has been thoughtful and asked for your opinion – if you didn’t want her to go, you should have said so then. You chose not to, so now you have to deal with the consequences of that choice. And if you really cannot cope alone, you have to speak up.

      1. The Person from the Resume*

        I agree. I know Whataburger has baby brain and exhaustion brain, but MIL asked and you said you didn’t care. It’s a bit ridiculous to be upset about someone doing something that you didn’t object to when asked.

        I do think a son’s unexpected wedding is a good reason to interrupt a planned commitment to help someone.

        I understand where Whataburger is coming from but single parents can and do handle newborns on their own.

        Flying with a baby is a terrible idea. I think it’s best for Whataburger to stay home alone with baby. It’s up to the new mom but I understand (and I think MIL would understand her) telling MIL with COVID concerns to just stay home and not return. That’s reasonable.

    7. Cordelia*

      what would I do if I was your MIL? I’d go to my son’s wedding. I’d spend the time before leaving trying to help you feel more confident about taking care of the baby by yourself. I’d let you know that I recognised how anxious you were about being left alone with the baby, and I’d help you work out what specifically the anxiety is about, so we can address that together. I’d show you how to do things but make sure I wasn’t doing everything for you, and I’d help you to find some local supports for while I was gone.. Perhaps I’d book you a cleaner or similar, if taking care of the house is difficult. And then I’d go and enjoy the wedding.

      1. Sloanicota*

        To be fair I’d also pre-make a bunch of meals ahead, make sure there’s clean laundry put away, and arrange a covid-safe friend to come spend an afternoon while I was gone so the new mom can nap.

    8. Ellis Bell*

      I think the resentment and disappointment of her missing her son’s wedding would be too great, she really has to go. Honestly if this were my son and he were mostly going to be with his in laws on his wedding day AND his future wife seemed a tad controlling it would only redouble my efforts to be there for him. Not to tell him what to do, but just to be there for him. I think your MiL feels bad about the situation and I think the fact she asked your opinion shows she’s conflicted and might even stay if you were overly struggling. However, I don’t think you can ask her to, and you need to remember this situation isn’t of her making, it’s of your future sister in laws’.

    9. Kiwiapple*

      You mention no family where you are but do you have any friends that could drop in? Are you still under post- birth healthcare visits?

      I don’t think it’s a case of you and your new baby being SOL because unless you tell your MIL, she will come back and help for the duration after the wedding. Newborns aren’t going to change that much in 3 days whereas a wedding is something different altogether.

      I hope with some time you can see that your MIL isn’t abandoning you and the baby and be happy for your new SIL.

    10. Asenath*

      I wouldn’t go myself, especially with a new baby, but I’d try to be sympathetic for the MIL if she decided to go. If’ I were the MIL, well, in theory I don’t do drama, but I’d probably add to it by simply saying to my son and future DIL ” I wanted so much to be at your wedding, but I just can’t do it on such short notice. I’m across the country helping out with your new niece/nephew!! (I’d try very hard not to add “As you very well know!”).”

      But I’d understand, or really try to, if MIL simply couldn’t bring herself to miss the wedding, and I certainly wouldn’t tell her not to come back. That would add excessively to the existing drama and just make MIL’s position, which is not after all her fault, even more difficult.

    11. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      It’s a shame she found out the date so late. If I were your MIL I would have postponed visiting you by a few days until after the wedding rather than fly twice. Was that not an option?

    12. Morning reader*

      If I were your MIL, I’d go to the wedding and gracefully accept that I not come back right away, due to the possible covid exposure.

      This depends somewhat on your needs right now. Is there something wrong with the baby that you need extra support?is there something wrong with you? (Example: I had a c-section and couldn’t drive or even pick up the baby for a week or two. Can’t recall how long that restriction lasted but I definitely needed someone else there that first week, to hand me the baby at least.) you are “stationed” somewhere; can you get support from your military network? Usually those places have strong spouse networks, other parents with deployed spouses in similar situations.

      Also, do you even like having your MIL there? I was a single mother, so being alone with my baby seemed very normal to me. Among the married parents I know, I can’t think of one who would be happy with their mother-in-law having an extended visit with them, without their spouse there. Ranging from uncomfortable to horrific. I’ve visited my daughter without her husband but I can’t imagine visiting my SIL alone. Maybe if he were trying to take care of a new baby alone I would but that’s only because I would worry whether he’d be competent to take care of a new baby alone. Does your MIL think that about you?

      In short: why do you need help to take care of a six-week old? If you don’t, really, let her go. If you do, start building your parental network now. This actually seems like a great opportunity to get her out of your house. (Seriously, why is she there? Why do you want her there? I’m hoping you are good friends bucking these stereotypes and that’s why you want her to stay.)

    13. KatEnigma*

      You take care of your kid and let her take care of hers. You are going to have to take care of the baby by yourself at some point, right? It only gets harder- the baby can’t even roll over yet.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I was gonna say – isn’t this one of the optimal times to be soloing it, if there is ever such a thing? A six week old baby is almost guaranteed to not be getting into stuff if you set them in a carrier or Moses basket next to you for a couple minutes while you go to the bathroom, change clothes, throw a snack on a plate, whatever. Once they become even a little mobile, that’s all out the window.

        1. KatEnigma*

          My son must been around 2 months the first time my husband left overnight (final job interview out of State) By far, it’s the easiest it ever was. I didn’t live near anyone, either – only lived near family since January and my son is 5. My parents came for a week,- that was it. I didn’t grow up with the kind of privilege where people who come take care of new mothers and babies for weeks. Thankfully, babies aren’t that fragile and new mothers aren’t dumb.

    14. Star Struck*

      Let her go. I know it seems scary (terrifying even) to be alone with your baby. You didnt mention whether you had any medical or other issues that prevent you from taking care of your baby. If there aren’t, let her go, and dont worry about the house, or laundry, or anything else. Just keep you and your baby alive until she gets back.

      Seems like a jerk move on your SIL’s part to schedule it this way tho. Its a courthouse wedding – im sure they could have found a different date.

    15. Falling Diphthong*

      WWYD if you were my MIL?
      As gently as possible: I would ask you for your input, and if you said that you really needed the baby help and wouldn’t be comfortable adding in more flights around a newborn then that would be that.

      But her asking provides an opportunity for you to say “Go! A couple of days on our own will be good practice for me, and then you’ll be back to give me a break Sunday” or “Hey no problem, I realize it’s a last minute and irreplaceable thing and my friend Susie can fill in” or “I realize how hard this is, but I really wanted you here for this time in the baby’s life and the thought of managing on my own makes me weepy: please stay and help us.”

      Your MIL is trying to figure out the thing where both of her children feel valued and like she came through and showed up for them at these specific important times, but without a time travel method where she can do both.

      I’ll also gently float that if the future SIL is figuring out how to isolate him from his family (by demanding the wedding be when your husband and MIL are committed elsewhere) she might be especially motivated to try and keep open that bridge.

      1. Gyne*

        This is a good suggestion. I’d add to the OP, though, if you do insist MIL stays, I would recommend you prepare mentally for it to be the thing that may permanently fracture your relationship with your husband’s side of the family.

    16. Jay*

      Of course you’re upset. I would have been furious. And I would have told her to go because I would not to want to be responsible for missing her son’s wedding.

      In your MILs place, I would go. I would leave at the last possible minute and use the time to do all the laundry, cook ahead so you had meals ready to go and to do whatever I could to help you feel better about being alone with the baby.

      As far as COVID risk goes, that depends to some degree on whether rapid PCR tests are available in your area (they are not in mine). If they are (and assuming she’s fully vaxxed and boosted), I would be comfortable having her come back, mask around me and baby for a few days, and then get a rapid PCR. Even masked and not providing direct baby care she can (again) do laundry, go shopping, cook, and otherwise help out.

      Be gentle with yourself. It helps me to remember that feelings are not facts, and that is especially true when my emotions are already in a muddle, which yours undoubtedly are. You are six-weeks post-partum and “fog” was absolutely the right word for me. The way you feel is of course entirely legitimate – and your feelings are not facts about other people’s intentions, motives, or thoughts. For me that’s the difference between “I’m completely annoyed that my husband forgot we had dinner reservations” and “my husband doesn’t love me because he forgot we had dinner reservations.” Breathe. You will get through this.

      1. Jane of all Trades*

        Agreed with this. I would feel overwhelmed if I had counted on her being there, only to find out on short notice that she has to leave.
        Her son and future dil are putting her and you into a really difficult position. As others have said, could she perhaps help make sure that you have everything you need, do an extra grocery run, laundry, and the like, to make it easier for you to settle in with the baby by yourself? I expect she would regret not going to her son’s wedding.
        Do you have other contacts in the area that could come help out for an afternoon here and there? If a friend or acquaintance reached out to me for help because they were in a bind I would gladly help, and I suspect many people in your network would too.

        1. Jane of all Trades*

          I forgot to mention – if it were me, I would be wary of her coming back after attending a wedding and being on multiple airplanes. When I had Covid it took several days to show up on PCR tests, and anecdotally it seems that happens quite a lot, so you may risk her passing on Covid before she knows that she has it.

    17. Katie*

      I say this with kindness, you can handle being alone with your baby for 3 days. I remember panicking with the thought of having to do it on my own. Honestly, it may be extremely helpful for you to be on your own for these 3 days. It will help you realize that you do have this.

      1. Katie*

        I also want to note I came up with a simple rule early in with my kids. Are they alive at the end of the day? If the answer is yes, then you won for the day.

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        I was in the hospital for several days after my first baby was born (emergency C section after long labor) so I remember getting home finally and having this immediate “they just let me walk out of there with a whole person? ME?” when I realized I wouldn’t have nurses right there to help and answer questions anymore. But everyone will be alone with their baby at some point and for most of us it happens way sooner than 8 weeks!

    18. Whataburger*

      Hi all, thanks for your comments. I didn’t want to make an already long post even longer with specific details as to why the moms came out here to help, but I meant to include that I don’t think I’m helpless or anything – I can handle it and obviously many people do so every day in better or worse conditions. I absolutely wouldn’t harshly tell her not to come back. MIL is wonderful, it’s a “hey, it’s a lot of back and forth for you to travel cross country and cases are high right now so it might be a better for everyone if you came back another time.” Baby has already been readmitted to the hospital once.

      I do think she should go, I don’t think that was clear in my post. The timing with everything is just unfortunate.

      1. Anono-me*

        First congratulations on baby!

        I think your fine for feeling disappointed and frustrated and a little worried right now. But I also think you were right not to express those feelings to your mother in law and support her going.

        1. Since baby has had health issues, maybe MIL should quarantine before returning or mask 100% upon return. Maybe talk to your baby’s doctor for advice.

        2. You mention your husband is away on military duty. There are usually quite a bit of resources both formal and informal available to military spouses, even if you aren’t near a base. You may want to reach out to whomever is the official contact.

        3. Since it sounds like there are health
        concerns, there is a wearable baby monitor built into a sock that will alert and wake you if anything reads funny.
        It is pricey but since people are buying plane tickets, I am hoping there is some financial cushion. (Target carried it one point. )

        4 Is there someone else who could come for a bit, a friend, your dad or another relative, would your mom be able to return? (If possible could you swing the airfare for someone who might not to able to come otherwise?)

        I think the timing of the wedding is a separate issue of concern about your brother in law. Yes there are many very good reasons to hold a wedding quickly. However, I would expect an effort to be made to include the immediate family of the groom and if not possible, then for the groom to share the reason for the exclusionary timing. This isn’t a big red flag on the groom’s relationship, but I do think it is something to think about in context of what you know about this particular relationship and possibly a signal to be vigilant for red flags and if you see them to be proactive in making sure your brother in law isn’t isolated from his family and friends and other independent resources.

    19. Not A Manager*

      Hi, OP. I’m really sympathetic because I remember how overwhelming a new baby was for me. Nonetheless, I think your MIL should go to the wedding. Unless you or the child have some condition that puts you at unusual risk, you’ll be able to care for the baby just fine on your own for a few days.

      In terms of your MIL coming back, I think that’s up to you and your risk tolerance. Are you and she fully vaccinated? Is the baby full-term and healthy? By the time she returns, you should have a very good sense of whether the baby contracted COVID from her *first* visit, so her return really isn’t adding more risk as much as it is resetting the original risk back to where it was the first time she arrived.

      I can’t quite follow your timetable but it looks like there’s only about three weeks coverage that you need from your mom’s departure to your husband’s arrival, and I’m not sure where you are in that in terms of your MIL’s stay. If her second visit would only cover a few days and it would make you anxious, then probably it’s not worth the extra help. On the other hand, you seem to really want the help (and maybe the adult company), so if you think the risk isn’t too high, you could ask her to come back and maybe even stay on a bit to enjoy her son’s return home.

      But however you decide, don’t tell her not to return because you’re angry that she wants to go to her other son’s wedding. That’s not fair, and it will very much damage your relationship.

    20. Sunshine*

      As a military family I assume you are near base. Can you reach out to family/counseling. Services. They usually have a new parents program. That person should be able to connect you to supports in the community. Also reach out to husbands units ombudsman. Get connected to other spouses. Military life is hard. There are good ways to connect.

    21. Macaroni Penguin*

      If I was the MIL, I’d flyout to the wedding and then come back to see my grandkid. Probably I’d also extend my grandbaby coverage trip on the back end. So, the support time would be shifted a bit but not lost overall. Is that a possibility for your family?
      But yeah, that’s a tough spot to be in. It’s understandable that you’re annoyed. Having a newborn is a big deal and a lot of work! (I have a nine month old). I would have loved weeks of family support.

    22. the cat's ass*

      Whew, dang. That is A LOT, for everybody. MIL should go to the wedding, and after you have made your COVID concerns known, she can return/test/isolate?

      1. fhqwhgads*

        It sounds like the isolation period after she returns would be the remainder of her stay? MIL was only coming for two weeks total?

    23. HBJ*

      Let her go. And I say this as someone who has been left alone when my husband had a work trip a week and a half postpartum PLUS having 2 other children under four. I know that she committed to staying with you, but this is her child’s wedding. That’s a big deal. There’s no way I would hold someone to a commitment like this if it gets challenging or them, even for things much less major than a child’s wedding.

      I’ll also say I don’t think the baby is too young to fly. I know many people who’ve flown with babies less than a month old. In some cases, less than two weeks old.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Can confirm – I took my first flight cross-country at 8 days old, when smoking was still allowed on planes even, and survived the encounter.

      2. KatEnigma*

        Mine was 3 weeks- after his birth to a surrogate in Kyiv.

        Hands down, the was the easiest travel with him we ever had. He slept solid between the gate in Kyiv to Frankfurt and most of the war from FRA to ORD. We had one of the attachable bassinets that hook on the bulkhead wall so we could change him there instead of waiting in the neverending international line for as often as a newborn needs to be changed. He didn’t need to be entertained!

    24. fhqwhgads*

      I would stay put and help with the newborn, but I am also biased because I only stopped feeling like a complete zombie when my kid was 6 months old. And that happened very very very recently. It is very important that the adults in a house outnumber the baby at this point. Too-bad short-notice wedding people. Baby wins. They could’ve chosen a different date. They didn’t. Other commitments already exist. That’s what happens when you go short notice.

      1. California Dreamin’*

        Sorry, no, it’s not essential that adults in the house outnumber the baby, really at any point but certainly not at six weeks. Many, many moms are alone with baby during the day and even overnight at that point. Even when I had newborn twins, my husband was back to work in a couple weeks, I had my MIL with me for a week after that, and then I was on my own with them all day. I’m not saying it’s not scary or difficult, but it’s certainly okay. And as a mom of three now older kids (one a young adult) I would never, never miss one of their weddings barring some kind of emergency that could not be overcome. This is an inconvenience but not an emergency.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          I think we may just fundamentally value being at weddings differently. I mean, the MIL is gonna do what the MIL wants. The MIL isn’t asking the question. OP asked what we’d do if we were the MIL. If I were the MIL, I would A) not want to do the flying back and forth again due to COVID and B) want to keep the plans I’d already made. (and C, which you’ve already disagreed with: I think the person alone with the newborn needs my presence, rather than merely wanting it). I’d probably also be somewhat annoyed at my Short Notice Offspring for making me choose/wanting to me to come back in the middle of a trip for a non-emergency. In a vacuum I’d want to say I’d never miss my kid’s wedding, but if I’ve just left for a two week trip and my kid calls me up and says “come back I’m getting married before your trip is over” I’d be perplexed, and probably suspect they didn’t actually want me to come.

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        It’s about the MIL wanting to be at her child’s wedding, not some baby vs. groom smackdown

      3. Pistachio*

        “It is very important that the adults in a house outnumber the baby at this point”
        What?
        That’s a really privileged perspective.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          Ah yes, my priviledged perspective of having just lived through 4 hours of sleep a night for months and believing that for large chunks of the day, if my partner hadn’t been present it would not have been safe for me to do much.

          1. Pistachio*

            Yeah, you’re not the only one, you know. I have three kids and one of them still doesn’t sleep through the night on any regular basis and he’s almost 10. I had 1 day where my husband was home with me for the entire day after each birth. One day. We don’t have family to stay up and do our jobs as parents for weeks on end, just like millions of other parents on this planet.
            To claim “it is very important that the adults in a house outnumber the baby at this point” to the point where you Expect someone to miss their own child’s wedding is just outrageous.

    25. Maggie*

      It is her child’s wedding… so I think she should go and going is understandable. Can you invite close friends to check in with you on those days? I’d be happy to spend an afternoon helping a friend with a new baby, even if they were just like “can you do my laundry and get me some food” or whatever. Or just embrace that DoorDash life for a couple days and let the house get messy. It’s tough situation, but this is her kids wedding. And you were aware your husband would be gone these days, so she could have not volunteered at all if she didn’t want to. I’d recommend leaning on friends and delivery service to bridge the gap. Maybe something weird is going on with future SIL, maybe not, we may never know.

    26. marvin*

      This sounds like a really tough situation. I think your concerns about covid are totally valid!

      If I were you, I think I would avoid trying to push your MIL in either direction but if she does decide to go, see if you can collaborate on some ideas to make it easier to be on your own (especially if there is anyone else who could fill in). I would also reflect on what your covid boundaries are and try to communicate them as respectfully as you can.

      I think it would be understandable if she wants to go, but she should communicate with you and try to make the absence as easy on you as possible.

      1. marvin*

        Meant to add, I’m currently recovering from surgery so I understand the uncomfortable feeling of relying on someone and simultaneously being appreciative for the help and frustrated when they can’t always fulfill your needs. Solidarity!

    27. S*

      I think your feelings are valid, in the sense that postpartum is a trip and I didn’t feel like a competent, reasonable person until like 9 months in, and you are doing this thing by yourself.

      But. Helping you vs a wedding are on 2 different scales. And most importantly, she asked you and you didn’t say what you needed.so while it’s not wrong to feel upset because you had planned on this and now it’s changing, I do think it’s time to take a deep breath, make alternate plans, and wish your MIL and BIL well.

    28. Koala dreams*

      Your mother in law did only know about the wedding on short notice. After she knew she checked with you if it was okay for her to go. If you need her to stay with you, you need to say that. If you are unsure, why not have that discussion with your mother in law?

    29. Washi*

      This is a really tough situation! My son is 3 months now and I would absolutely be privately panicking in this situation, not so much because if the 3 days alone, but because my ability to gracefully handle the unexpected at that stage was practically nil. A lot of people are saying 6 weeks is an easy age but for me 4-6 weeks were the hardest! At that age my son was still only sleeping for 2 hours at a time at night but would fuss and fuss from 2pm – 10pm then often some bonus fussing from 2am-4am. I was constantly popping painkillers from the back pain of bouncing him for hours- he even needed to eat while bouncing. Yes I could put him down and he wouldn’t go anywhere, but he would scream his head off the whole time.

      I agree with the others that your MIL should go and you and baby will make it through this rough time, but wanted to just add a ton of validation about how hard this can be. For us things got better at 8 weeks, then dramatically better at 10 weeks. (Also I gave up on the nursing part of triple feeding around 8 weeks, not sure if feeding issues are something you are dealing with). Hang in there! You’ve probably already survived more than you thought you could handle, and you can handle this too.

      1. Ann Non*

        Absolutely this! Dealing with the unexpected when sleep-deprived is so hard!
        Also, if this is your first, who knows if there is some unexpected post partum anxiety in the mix to make everything seem worse.
        I would try to throw money at the problem. See if you can get a postpartum doula or mother’s helper if you don’t have friends in the area who can hold the baby while you shower…

    30. Esmeralda*

      You will survive for three days alone with your baby. You will. You can have her mask up and test several times once she gets back.

      Let your mil go to her SON’S wedding. And please be kind and supportive about it.

      I totally understand your feelings. But you are not in fact SOL. You’re capable of taking care of baby for a few days.

    31. Bumblebeee*

      Yikes. There’s a lot of unkind and dismissive replies here. If I were MIL I would go to the wedding, but that same point can be made without minimizing the stress and anxiety that come along with having an infant. I hope you can ignore the “it’s only a six week old baby!” comments because yes, even at that stage of babyhood it’s totally normal to feel overwhelmed. It takes awhile (ie frequently longer than 6w) to recover physically and emotionally from pregnancy and childbirth. At six weeks you’re still very much getting used to being a parent, even if you’re a second, third, etc time parent. You’re sleep deprived and trying to keep alive a non verbal human who frequently cries for no reason for long periods of time.

      Plus you were counting on MIL being available this whole time, and I totally get why the sudden change of plans would be disappointing. All of us – including self righteous internet commenters – are wired to act and think and feel in our own best interests. Of course it’s understandable you feel resentful.

      You’re allowed to feel angry, annoyed, irritated, inconvenienced, whatever. To encourage your MIL to leave without guilt despite these feelings show you are a considerate DIL. Good luck.

    32. Gnome*

      This is gonna suck for you, but I think she should go. Yes, it would be nice to have help (and company), but it’s just not always possible.
      Maybe she can do a big batch of cooking and stock up the fridge before she goes so you don’t have to worry about that (or whatever else would be helpful).

      I say this with love, but I have been there and done that, and you will be ok. Look at your little one and imagine missing a milestone in their life, and send MIL on with love. Then arrange to talk/Zoom with friends or family on something of a schedule so you don’t feel isolated, plan to go on a daily walk to get out of the house, and just do the best you can. It will be an extra week or two, but you have birth so you know you can handle it!

      Good luck, and may the night sleep schedule get sorted out quickly!

    33. Choggy*

      If possible, try to put yourself in your MILs shoes, she is, as you write, between a rock and a hard place. If she will only be away for three days, and will have to do some quarantining when she’s back, so be it. Do you have any friends in the area, mommy groups, etc. that you can lean on for support in the interim? If your husband is in the military, won’t he be away other times in the future where you will be alone? Might be a good time for you to bond alone with your baby too.

  11. Melanie Cavill*

    Any advice on getting over… a crush? interest? what’s the appropriate adult word here?… on a very unavailable friend?

    1. Madame Arcati*

      Time, tbh.
      Or:
      Not idealising them if you can (think of that annoying thing they do, there will be one, and reminding yourself you’d never be able to live with that!).
      Do you have a sensible other friend who can give you a talking-to? “Melanie, it’s never going to happen, now repeat after me…NEXT PLEASE!”
      Revisiting a favourite film, tv or book with a crushable character, and indulge in a little daydreaming. A delightful little fantasy where Jason Momoa* bumps into you on the street and apologises, then looks into your eyes… Gosh even fanfic if that floats your boat.
      *other hot people are available you can think about anyone you like

    2. Despachito*

      Avoid them, at least situations one-in-one.

      Let yourself fantasize a bit if this helps you, find other things to be occupied with.

      It will fade away.

    3. Asenath*

      Avoid them, and find some distraction (or distracting thought) every time they float into your mind in a romantic context. The interest will fade slowly for lack of nourishment.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Full up your days. Get a project going on that ties up most of your thinking. You could even do a project with a friend (volunteer work, friend’s project) and just let the friend pull you through this time with their exuberance about the project you two are doing. You don’t have to tell the friend the reason why you need something to do. You can just say that you decided you’d like to do different things right now.

    5. Anonosaurus*

      I’m suffering from this just now too, and the way I’m coping is by reminding myself that the pants feelings won’t last but I want our friendship to continue, so I don’t want the relationship we’re not having to screw up the one we’re not having. how this works in practice is I have boundaries about what I tell him and expect from him, I don’t allow myself to daydream about Us Being Together and I keep looking for an available partner (the crush helps with this actually because I can say to myself that “X’s quality is something I am looking for”.

      but all in all ya just gotta outlast it really

    6. aubrey*

      Cultivate a different crush, maybe on a celebrity or character. And avoid the friend when you can to let the crush die down. Don’t dwell on it or try to force it to go away, just starve it and/or replace it!

    7. Hotdog not dog*

      That happened to me once, and it resolved itself rather abruptly when I saw him pick his nose, inspect the result, and then casually wipe it on his pants. Ew!

    8. marvin*

      I’m going to go against the grain here and suggest that you just try to enjoy the crush if you can. If you are able to accept that nothing will come of it, a crush can be fun and remind you of the qualities you most like about your friend. It will eventually fade on its own.

      1. the cat's ass*

        came here to say the same! I really enjoyed my pointless crush. It gave me a cheerful little bubble to float around in at work when things in my personal life were really stressful, so it was a nice distraction. And it ultimately faded, as these things do. i still think about Mr. Crush every no and again with affection; no one ever knew, except you, dear readers!

      2. Melanie Cavill*

        That’s a really sweet way of looking at it! It is definitely fun having a schoolgirl crush despite not being much of a schoolgirl anymore. Knowing the friend exists fills me with joy and there’s nothing wrong with a bit more joy in the world.

    9. Liz in the Midwest*

      I’d suggest not worrying about it overly much. The more it is A Thing in your head, the bigger and bigger it becomes. But if you’re just like, eh, crushes are normal, sure, I have a crush on this person, no big deal or reason to freak out, it might be easier to manage.

    10. Also cute and fluffy!*

      I like what Captain Awkward had to say in the post “Golden Retriever/Kwisatz Haderach of Love.”

      “…[it’s really] frustrating to try to talk yourself out of having a feeling or beat yourself up for having a feeling at the same time you’re having the feeling. So just have the feeling. Just be the Golden Retriever of Love… You just feel what you feel, and you’ll feel until one day you stop, and you can’t decide when that is, so don’t even try.”

      And in the meantime, enjoy the energy or the good things you get out of the crush. You might find the energy to solve a lingering problem in your life, try out new things with your appearance, or take up a fun hobby or activity.

    11. Sundial*

      What will work best will depend on your personality. For me, it was fixating on the guy’s flaws until I had basically reprogrammed my brain. I excel at obsessing, so really digging my teeth into a few minor issues he had was enough to change my feelings.

    12. Angstrom*

      What helped me was thinking about the infinite parallel universe theory of crushes: If there is an infinity of parallel universes, that means that somewhere in a different universe we are together and having a good time. Here and now? Not going to happen.

      Sounds weird, but I can enjoy the thought of other-me being happy while real-me gets on with doing the right thing.

      1. Melanie Cavill*

        Oh, I like that a lot! It’s more solid than daydreaming about any impossibilities here and now.

    13. Gnome*

      Look for things they do that would be super annoying to live with. Just drop a big ol dose of reality on your brain.

    14. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      I don’t have real good advice on the getting over part except that in my experience just telling the person and being rejected works WONDERS for making the interest go away. But I know if it’s a friendship you don’t want to make weird, that’s not as much of an option.

      So if you’re stuck with an unrequited crush, my advice is just milk it for what it’s worth for introspection. Journal the heck out of what you like about them and why that’s important to you. Maybe they’re really kind, ok, so why do you need that kindness in your life, and how are you going to try and get it? Maybe they’re really bold, ok, so does part of you wish YOU could be that bold? How can you work towards that? I feel like so many crushes I’ve had are not just straightforward sexual attraction, but are all tangled up with my broader desires and goals for my life when I really stop and examine the specific cravings.

      1. Melanie Cavill*

        They’re my friend’s ex-husband, unfortunately, so confessing as a method of moving on is definitely out of the question. It isn’t just that they’re in a relationship, there are many situational reasons why they are unavailable to me specifically.

        I do like the journaling/introspection idea, though! Thank you.

  12. Scot Librarian*

    It’s tough, but the only way is to resolutely turn your mind away from thinking about them every time you catch yourself. Make sure that any time you spend with them is not something you’d do on a date (eg going to the cinema or a meal just the 2 of you). It’s really hard and painful, but imagine you are trainjng your mind like you’d train a muscle. So you have a thought about them and you immediately think ‘no, inappropriate’ and then force yourself to think about something totally different. Good luck

  13. Scot Librarian*

    I have noticed that Keymaster of Gozer has not posted for a while, hope they are doing okay. I really enjoyed their comments

      1. the cat's ass*

        Keymaster is awesome and i was relieved to see them this week after a bit of a gap.

        This is a really great community-thank you all!

      2. Cj*

        I have also been worried about them, because the last time I remember them posting before this week they were in the hospital after surgery.

        I did miss their posts this week, so I’m glad to hear they are back.

  15. Sharp-dressed Boston Terrier*

    I stumbled across the AAM column where the bosses were making their staff cough up $40 a week for lunches that everybody had to sit down and eat. Someone in the comments mentioned a burrito cart that used to be located at 15th & K Streets NW in Washington DC, and that brought back a flood of memories.

    From around 1999 to 2003* I used to [do the thing we can’t talk about on the weekend] in the Southern Railway building at 15th & K and would get a burrito from that cart every Friday. They were hands down the best burritos I’d ever eaten! The original owner had gone to a highly-ranked cooking school and it showed. Then an illness in the family forced him to sell it and the guy who bought him out just couldn’t match the quality. I stopped going after that.

    Then we got relocated to a different part of town and that was that. Hard to believe it’s been 20 years… I miss those damned things.

    *The Southern Railway building is about a block and a half from the White House and yes, I was at [the place we can’t talk about on weekends] on 9/11. Missed the crash at the Pentagon by five or ten minutes — I lived in Arlington at the time and would switch from the bus to the Metro at the station there.

    1. Sharp-dressed Boston Terrier*

      And for anyone else who remembers the cart, he apparently is now running the Salsa Cafe in Wheeling, WV. Might be worth a day trip!

    2. Madame Arcati*

      Ah, weekday lunch nostalgia. [Voice of old lady in Titanic -] it’s been five years…. I used to frequent a little food market in Pimlico, London, where half a dozen stall holders would cook/prepare and serve a couple of dishes each and they were all delicious. The pad Thai was probably the most popular but I loved the chicken with sumac from the Jordanian stall, the chicken katsu curry from the Japanese stall, the felafel wrap with halloumi*, the shish kebabs….
      *no autocorrect I did not like gallium on my felafel…

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Boca Grande burritos in Cambridge MA. So good, and they were our toddler’s favorite food when we lived in Somerville. I’ve never matched those.

    4. the cat's ass*

      I’m totally flashing on the memory of blundering through the underlit, spooky and leaky underground tunnels beneath the Longwood medical area to pop up at the falafel joint on Ave Louis Pasteur. They were open till 3 am and many a night shifter was very grateful to have an amazing meal that far into the night.

  16. Put the Blame on Edamame*

    Summer is icumen tf outta here and I am looking forward to starting to exercise again- I find it so much harder in hot weather. As the AAM forums as my witness, I’m going to go for an 1hr+ walk at least every second day, and pick my weights up again. Not aiming to go from zero to a hundred- one or two sessions in a month will be enough to start momentum.

    1. Richard Hershberger*

      Now you are making want to write an obscene filk version. “Lhude sing cuccu” lends its itself to the treatment.

      1. fposte*

        I bet there were obscene filk versions in the day. But there’s also Ezra Pound’s “Winter is icumen in, lhude sing goddamn.”

    2. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

      I’m trying to start weights again too! (Though I’m in the southern hemisphere so summer is icumen here.) Good luck!

    3. ccr*

      I keep telling myself, anything I do exercise-wise is better than nothing. Is 20 minutes of water aerobics a lot? No. But it’s 20 minutes more than if I don’t do any, and then I can work my way up. I can do it, you can do it!

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      Go you!!! I’d gotten into a solid habit of walking at least 1 mile every evening and then I went on vacation and got Covid in July, started a new job and moved in August, so yesterday was my first walk in a long time. It felt good to get out again and I hope I can reestablish the routine quickly.

      1. Bart*

        I just got serious about walking after two years of nothing. I read an article about the benefits of a brief walk after meals and started trying to take a 15 minute walk after lunch at work and then a longer walk at home after dinner. I am one month in and I feel so good! Good luck to you!

    6. EvilQueenRegina*

      Oh, I feel you there! I need to get back into it but we had our hottest weather on record here this summer, so exercising then was a nope.

  17. Aviane DuMer*

    Tips for getting ready (and getting motivated) for a big home move? My moving date has been pushed out and out, largely at my own direction as I’m nursing a bad hip since a car accident a few months ago that makes bending/lifting very difficult, but I am conscious I need someone to kick me in the bottom and get started. I am surrounded by stuff. Furniture I know isn’t coming with me, clothes that haven’t fit me since 80lbs ago and enough kitchen gadgets to open a diner. I get overwhelmed just looking at it. I tried Kondo and she just didn’t hit the mark for me. If you have tips/recommendations, including YouTube and podcasts, I’m all ears.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I have emptied 4 houses that were not mine. (Long story) My first step was to remove the things that I did not want, were broken, were out dated or did not work like they were supposed to (disappointing items). Just get rid of that much and see what the next layer is. You may want to hire a company to make a one time large pick up of trash.

      Maybe a lawn sale is in your future?
      If you prefer to just donate stuff, some groups will come pick it up for you.
      Maybe you have friends who would be happy to have some items.
      If someone in your area had a house fire you might be able to get rid of stuff that way- but only the good stuff that you don’t want.
      Here I can put stuff on my front lawn with a free sign and it’s gone within 24 hours.

      I just read a cool thing- someone said have 3 goals every day for a month. At the end of the month your setting will change. I like that one a lot. I think this can help here.

      Back to emptying houses. My next layer was the stuff that I was definitely going to keep but did not immediately need. This could be xmas ornaments, mementos, decorative items. etc.
      Clear out a corner some where and start boxing and stacking. You can get free boxes at almost any retail place- but some places are better than others. I get boxes at liquor stores and paint stores. Their shipping boxes are strong but they are not huge in size. I can lift the box once I pack it. Label EVERY box. Get plenty of black markers. When I did one house I even went as far as numbering the boxes so I knew they all arrived at the next destination.

      My next layer was I realized I wanted to get rid of more. At this point, I just started donating because I needed the process to move along. If you have a neighborhood/town forum you can advertise the items.

      This is daunting on many levels. It’s not just the physical energy, it’s also a lot of emotional stuff. Ask friends/family to help for a few hours here and there. Pick something like packing up the good china or a bunch of items to donate and ask a friend to help for a couple hours. It’s amazing how lighter things get when even just one person is helping.

      I did find that the process is like a dam breaking. I kept going and going. It felt like I was spinning my wheels. Shortly after that feeling of defeat really set in, the dam broke and I was down to just a few items. I got rid of those things and I was done. So sometimes gaining ground does not feel like it. Just keep pushing along doing something each day. Be sure to rest, hydrate and eat real meals.

      1. Pippa K*

        “ I have emptied 4 houses that were not mine.”

        In my imagination, this is a statement made in court in connection with a plea agreement, and I’m now imagining you as a burglar at the end of a prolific career.

        (…or is it the end?? Cue music and film titles, and it’s the start of a retired-criminals-caper movie.)

        1. Not So NewReader*

          LOL. Our parents had four houses all total.

          “Judge, believe me when I say, I am so Done with emptying houses.”

          1. eeeek*

            UGH. My partner and I are still dealing with the contents of two houses and two apartments (most of which were dumped into storage lockers in 3 different US states). I have had to hold the line that moving stuff into our basement is not the way to empty houses. And I fantasize about walking away from the storage lockers and someday seeing the 20 place setting family china (custom-made! many serving pieces!) appear in a Storage Wars episode…
            SO DONE.

      2. Inkhorn*

        +1 for numbering the boxes. I did that when I moved recently, and kept a notebook with a brief inventory of each box’s contents. Made it SO much easier to find the things I needed at the other end.

    2. Ranon*

      Dana K White has some great books and a podcast on decluttering without exploding your whole living space in the process, might be helpful.

      In the meantime, first step is throw away the trash. This may mean a dumpster or some other kind of junk haul off service.

      Then if there’s any sort of charity near you that does pickup of donations, call them, get on the schedule, and start figuring out what you’re giving them. Maybe schedule two trips a few weeks apart, sounds like one and done is not likely to be the case- and that’s fine, it’s a process! Everything that leaves your house is one thing that’s not in your house.

      If you’re in an area with an active Buy Nothing group, those can be useful- ours has traveling bins of clothes that folks started basically by saying “bin of clothes in x size, take what you want and pass it on”. Ours have also been good for getting rid of random pantry items and toiletries and all kinds of stuff

      Most important, every single thing that leaves your house or gets packed or what have you is one step closer to you moving. This isn’t an instantaneous process, you just have to do one thing at a time until you’re through, or at least far enough along you can finish your move and deal with the rest at the other end

      1. Cat and dog fosterer*

        Agreed with Buy Nothing on Facebook. It’s not for everyone, because some people don’t have facebook and some places don’t have an active group, but mine is active and I have rehomed so many things. Everyone is delighted to pick it up from me, so it makes me feel good.

        1. RosyGlasses*

          There is also an APP which I was delighted to learn about (Here on AAM!) because I gave up Facebook last December. It works a little different than FB groups, but is easy to use.

      2. One of many Sarahs*

        I *just* moved a week ago (still in transit cross-country to my new home, with some stops along the way), and what really helped me was having a friend come over to help get me started packing. And then a few friends came over to help out for a couple hours here and there. But for getting started, it was key to helping with the motivation factor!
        Also, if you are not partnered, and assuming you are hiring professional movers, I highly recommend having a friend over the day of the move to help with logistics — it made a big difference for me!

    3. Ellis Bell*

      If you’re overwhelmed by looking at all the stuff you don’t want, maybe start by collating all the stuff you do want? As you put clothes away, hang them all on the left so you can see a big grouping of all your commonly worn stuff. When it’s time to pack them, just do the garbage bag trick by bagging the collection from the bottom and tying the hangers together. Try to choose one cupboard or set of cupboards for your “must have” kitchen implements. This is where you will go to, to box up stuff for your car, for that first box that you will open so you can have a cup a tea, make a sandwich and fry something quick for dinner. Thinking about what essentials you’d want for your personal suitcase etc. Before I moved into my house, I knew I was going to be in an interim place for quite a while, so one of my big tricks was using things like drawer organizer boxes. I knew in both moves I’d want my underwear drawer easy to hand, so I just used a roll of sturdy plastic wrap to cover up my box of underwear or favorite sweaters. When I got to the new place I just unwrapped it and placed the undisturbed box in a drawer. It was the same with my bathroom. I had tons of stuff in there that I didn’t necessarily want to toss, but it was really easy to identify the stuff I’d want to pack first. Once you’ve got all your essentials in designated zones which are easy to pack, only then start looking at the rest of it. Then put the rest of it in boxes. You can either do “toss, donate, keep” boxes or just box it up with listed items on the outside to be decided when you’re done. It can help to think “My mover will charge me x per box, is it worth moving this box at that charge or is it better to just donate it”.

    4. Slightly Above Average Bear*

      Bob Villa has a good 13 step moving guide. There is a printable moving checklist from U-Pack and UnF*Your Habitat has advice plus motivation. I’ve also found Hoarders to be motivating.
      I have 9 days until we close on the sale of our house. Just returned from 2 weeks of house hunting in another state (Found one! Yay!), so I know I have to really push to have everything out and clean and I’m procrastinating by reading AAM because sometimes I just need a minute to re-center myself. Be kind to yourself. Be cautious not to reinjure yourself. You’ve got this!

    5. Katie*

      I have issues of getting started a lot. For me getting started is the problem. Once I start, I get keep going. Start one closest at a time purging. Box up the stuff you are not going to use now.

    6. Ginger Pet Lady*

      Was in a similar spot a few years back. I hired a college student for 20 hours a week to do the physical stuff while I made decisions. It made a world of difference. She was the daughter of a family friend and I also enjoyed getting to know her better, learning to appreciate her music (and I think she learned to enjoy some of mine, too!)
      It also helped tremendously to know “Anna will be here from 2-6 today” so I couldn’t procrastinate and skip that day. I had to have a plan for what we would do together.

    7. Jean (just Jean)*

      This book looks both helpful and compassionate: “Keep the memories, lose the stuff: Declutter, downsize, and move forward with your life” by Matt Paxton. Published in 2022. Rather than just telling the reader to get rid of it already, he probes into and guides the reader through the emotional overlayers of sorting and purging.

      Also waiting for me at the local library is: “Let it go: Downsizing your way to a richer, happier life” by Peter Walsh. Published in 2019.

      The Institute for Challenging Disorganization has a list of books by some of its member professionals at https://www.challengingdisorganization.org/icd-authors

      There’s an enormous body of literature and other information about decluttering, downsizing, and organizing. You can browse at your library or look online for websites and/or other resource lists.

      Good luck! It’s a worthwhile but difficult challenge.

  18. Richard Hershberger*

    Just emailed my manuscript to my editor two weeks ago: working title The Rise of Baseball: 1744-1871. University presses operate at a stately pace. Release likely will not be until spring of 2024.

    2. sagewhiz*

      Congrats, Richard! It’s been so interesting to see your periodic posts mentioning the book.

      Now come the hard parts, as you know: the waiting (another 6 mo. before my novel is out, sigh) and developing the marketing plan (ugh).

      I wish images could be posted here so you could share the cover when it’s ready!

    9. bratschegirl*

      Mazel tov! Our SIL is a serious baseball devotee and would love this book. Please let us know when it’s out!

  19. Thank you gifts*

    Suggestions requested! I had to have some work done in my apartment and that turned out to be more complicated than expected so a neighbor agreed to take my cats for the duration (it’ll probably be 2 weeks total when this is all done). I want to thank them for really going above and beyond but I am not totally sure what I can give them. A fancy box of chocolates seems insufficient. I thought about a large gift certificate to their favorite store but that seems a bit like giving cash so not ideal. Any ideas?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I actually think specialty food is good, especially if you know them well enough to avoid obvious pitfalls (liquor to nondrinkers, sweets to diabetics). Something that they wouldn’t buy for themselves usually–not because they can’t afford the price tag, but because they think “$40 for a box of chocolates… no, too indulgent.”

      1. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

        I like flowers (or voucher for florist) for the same reason – feels indulgent to get them for yourself, a real treat to get as a gift.

      2. Clisby*

        It’s good if you know the recipient likes the thing you’re buying. I’m not diabetic, but I don’t like most sweet food. An expensive box of chocolates would be a complete waste of money and would just end up in the trash if I couldn’t find someone to give it to. I would love a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I’m a fan of getting the gift card for their favorite store and sign it from you and the cats. Put it in a thank you card. Tell Neighbor what it meant to you to have a trustworthy friend help out.

    3. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      The gift card is actually a very good idea. Maybe combine that with a restaurant gift card, too (one that has a takeout option). Giving cash or gift cards is much better than trying to buy an object for someone. You can also offer to watch their pets next time they are out of town.

    4. A Becky*

      I had success with handmade Very Fiddly Cookies. A local friend stood interpreter at the bank so we could get our mortgage, and answered a lot of questions for us so I made her a big batch of German cookies that are essentially sugar cookie wrapped around a hazelnut creme core. Yes I also made the hazelnut creme.

    5. Ginger Pet Lady*

      Maybe an overnight stay at a resort an hour or two away from them? As young marrieds we moved into my aunt and uncle’s place for two weeks and supervised their teens while they went to Europe for their 25th anniversary. They paid us for it, but also gifted us a night stay at a place like this and it was really appreciated!

    7. Cat and dog fosterer*

      Team gift certificate. I’ve done favors for people, and I agree that cash can feel a bit odd but the gift certificate worked very well. Maybe a couple little chocolates to go with the gift certificate if you really want to have something in a box.

    8. MJ*

      After a particularly crazy first year in my job (a charity I joined just before the pandemic hit) the board of directors gifted me a food hamper as thanks for all the extra work. It was full of Italian themed foods (pasta, bruschetta topping, olive oil, bread sticks, sun dried tomatoes, olives, +++) of a better quality than I would buy for myself. I didn’t like everything in there, but was able to share with family & friends.

  20. Seeking San Francisco Recommendations*

    I am in the Bay Area for a work offsite in October, and I am staying an extra day to hang out in San Francisco. I am looking for recommendations for places to stay, eat, and go. Is there a good area to stay in that is somewhat central (I’ve been looking near the Ferry Building)? I have been to SF before, but only for a couple of days and it was years ago. If the weather is nice I’d like to be outside, so I was thinking about the botanical garden or maybe a boat tour (I love the water). I visited Alcatraz on my last visit, which I loved, much to my surprise. Any thing I must see/do?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Recommended:
      • Take a ferry to Angel Island to hike. Really lovely views all around. If you dislike crowds (my spouse) a nice break from them that doesn’t need a car or a lot of travel time.
      • The botanical garden, Japanese garden, and DeYoung museum, all close to each other. I hit the third just based on proximity and was delighted to discover that it was full of art by living artists, or who were living when the work was purchased–I wound up enjoying this one a lot more than the SF Museum of Modern Art.

      The best restaurants I ate in on a trip on the eve of the pandemic were Mourad (Moroccan) and Kin Khao (Asian fusion). Both Michelin starred; the latter had a prix fixe menu that was only two digits and really good.

    2. I Left My Heart...*

      There is a phenomenal exhibit at the Legion of Honor museum right now. Do a search for “Guo Pei” and you’ll see. A Google search will show you much more than just looking at the museum website. But the pictures don’t do it justice. They are officially “dresses,” but as my husband said, they are really works of art. Many are designed to look like buildings, eggs, china plates, all sorts of things, with astounding design and workmanship. Well worth seeing. Bonus: the view from the Legion of Honor can’t be beat, and there are wonderful places to walk or hike up there. In addition to the permanent collection you mentioned at the de Young museum, they currently have an exhibit of ancient Egyptian items from the reign of Ramses. That one you would definitely need to buy timed tickets for in advance (recommended for Guo Pei too, but possibly not as necessary). As for a “centrally located” place to stay, not sure what you mean. Downtown used to be the place people wanted to stay but unless you need to be near the high-end shopping, there’s no reason really to stay there and it’s become, I’m sorry to say, pretty squalid. Be very careful about booking anything that says it’s “one block from Union Square.” There are nice hotels there but there are also places one block from Union Square that are in one of the worst neighborhoods. Highly recommend reading online reviews before you book anything, no matter the neighborhood. I second your instinct to visit the Botanical Garden, it’s wonderful, as is the Conservatory of Flowers (also in Golden Gate Park) if you don’t mind going inside. Have a wonderful visit!

      1. I Left My Heart...*

        Oops, someone else (not the OP) recommended the de Young permanent collection and the Botanical Garden. But they’re right! :-)

      3. Weaponized Pumpkin*

        I recommend De Young over Legion if there’s only a day — Legion is a long trek on the bus. DY is still a hike from, say, Embarcadero, but it’s more central and in GG park so two birds and all that.

        1. I Left My Heart...*

          You are totally right about public transportation to the Legion of Honor — it’s a real haul, and I wouldn’t probably recommend it. But if the OP is taking Lyft or something similar, not an issue other than expense.

    4. CatCat*

      Go to the cable car museum. It’s free and fascinating! They actually operated the cables from the building and you can learn all about the history and how the system works. You can walk through Chinatown to get there and will go off the beaten/touristy path. Stop at The Lucky Creation Vegetarian Restaurant for lunch along the way. Be sure to ride a cable car if you’ve never done it. Super fun!

    5. Fellow Traveller*

      I love taking the bus to the Sutro Baths and walking around that area.
      Riding the streetcar- catch it in Chinatown to avoid the crowds.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I enjoyed the Sutro Baths area too. (I noticed that the Cliff House has apparently closed, as of 2021; there would still be plenty to look at in the area, but I thought I’d mention it.)

        One of my favorite non-scenery elements there was the Camera Obscura, situated near the Cliff House and designed to look like a big camera. (The exterior strikes me as rather cheesy, but the actual camera effects inside are stunning – though if you’re there on a foggy day it might be less spectacular.)

    6. the cat's ass*

      The weather is always strange, so packing layers is a good idea. The Academy of Science in GG park is great, as is MOCA. Having dim sum at Yank Sing is always a highlight tho it’s an expensive treat. And Japantown is always fun with lots of funky little places to eat. If you had a bit more time, I’d say BART over to Berkeley and have lunch upstairs at Chez Panizze and hit the Berkeley Art Museum, right across from Cal. I hope you have a terrific time!

      1. Kathleen Hei*

        If you want to go out whale watching, ignore the big ships and SF Bay. Monterrey Bay is 90ish minutes south, but Sanctuary Cruises is THE best- smaller ship, biodiesel fuel, which absolutely wards off seasickness, run by actual marine biologists, and if you are local and don’t see at least dolphins, they will give you credit for another cruise. They are THE best.

        Otherwise in SF, the Oceanside is always cold, regardless of the time of year. October is usually nice for Bayside, but can be dicey. Always pack a windbreakers. A warm one out on the water!

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          I’m a Bay Area local who hasn’t been whale-watching, nor to Monterey, in forever. I’m making a note of this tip for a weekend visit to treat myself.

    8. zyx*

      SF’s nicest weather happens in September and October, so I hope you’ll get to enjoy some of it! I love walking and museums, so here are some recommendations that combine the two:

      – SFMOMA is the closest big museum if you’re staying downtown, and it’s right across from Yerba Buena Gardens, which has regular free concerts and other events. My friend who works at SFMOMA recommends the Grove for a nearby meal.
      – Golden Gate Park is lovely, and the Botanical Garden, Japanese Tea Garden, de Young, and California Academy of Sciences are close to each other. GGP is huge—you could easily spend all day walking around it—and there is lots of good food near Irving St. south of the park.
      – The Legion of Honor museum has an amazing special exhibit of Guo Pei’s work. I’m not usually into fashion, but I loved it. You can pair a museum visit with a walk/hike along the Land’s End trail nearby and eat along Clement St. on your way there or back. I recommend Burma Superstar for a meal—if the wait there is too long, Burma Star is their second location on the same street.
      – Angel Island has nice trails and gorgeous views on a clear day. It also has a small but beautifully put-together museum about the island’s history as an immigration center and the people who came through. You can take a ferry there. There is a cafe on the island that I found just okay, but maybe non-vegetarians would like it better than I did.

      I hope you enjoy your visit!

    9. EJ*

      Muir Woods! If you have the time, take the ferry to Sausalito and the shuttle to Muir woods to see the giant redwoods. So beautiful! We loved walking across the Golden Gate Bridge. The library offers free walking tours of all sorts of cool things, we did a “gold rush city” walking tour and it was awesome. Book ahead and plan to donate some for the program.

    10. Seeking San Francisco Recommendations*

      Thank you for all the recommendations! Assuming the weather is nice, I will spend it at Golden Gate Park – there is so much to do there!

  21. Falling Diphthong*

    Fall books are coming out! I have ordered the following:

    Sep 13: What If? 2 by Randall Munroe. The xkcd author answers questions it had not occurred to you to ask.
    Sep 20: The Bullet That Missed by Richard Osman, third in the Thursday Murder Club series. A group living in a retirement community solve murders with with and style.
    Sep 27: The Golden Enclaves by Naomi Novik, conclusion of the Scholomance series. My most anticipated, it examines living in a magical high school full of things that want to kill you like that was actually horribly stressful rather than good fun.
    Oct 11: Dashing Through the Snowbirds by Donna Andrews, the next Meg Langslow Christmas mystery.
    Nov 1: The World We Make by N.K. Jemisen, second in the Cities duology.

    And as a bonus, coming sometime next week, a discounted version of the third book in the Inheritance Games trilogy by JL Barnes, after I slurped down the second in a couple of days and then got a look at the length of the waiting list. This is a primacy-of-plot YA, in which puzzles are produced and stuff happens at a rapid clip. I wish the characterization were a lot deeper, though the characters are likeable–I expect that I will read this in a day or two and then give it to the library book sale, where the other stuff on my list I expect to get a lot of rereads out of.

    In movies and TV, I am really excited for Wakanda Forever.

    1. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

      Oh, I hadn’t heard about the Scholomance series! I LOVED the Temeraire series but really didn’t like… ugh can’t remember the title, the Polish folktale retelling, and I must have been so disappointed that I missed the new series. Realistic magical schools are EXTREMELY my bag so I will xheck it out.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        This is one of my favorite series of all time and I highly recommend it. I couldn’t get into the fairy tale retellings–admired the craft but didn’t fall into the story.

      2. marvin*

        I wasn’t a fan of Uprooted either, so I was surprised that I liked the Scholomance series as much as I did. Now would be a great time to get into it when you won’t have to wait long for the final one to come out. I’ve been looking forward to it for a while.

      3. Forensic13*

        See that’s funny, because I love the fairy tale retellings but didn’t like the dragon ones. They are VERY different books.

        LOVE Scholomance. I preordered the new one because you get a little extra booklet for doing so from stores and I’m a huge nerd for this series and want all the extra goodies.

      4. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        I also highly recommend the Scholomance series, but don’t start it until the 3rd comes out! The author indulged in some very cliffhanging cliffhangers. Both books, but particularly the 2nd.

        I re-read the first two recently in anticipation of the new release. It was a mistake.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Hmm. I found the endings of the first two very satisfying. It wound up the arcs of those books and finished at the end of the academic year. I really wanted to find out what happened next, but I’d consider the closing lines more good set-up for the next books.

      1. ecnaseener*

        Nonfiction, but I’m eagerly awaiting On Repentance and Repair: Making Amends in an Unapologetic World by Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg. Sept 13!

      2. RosyGlasses*

        I believe in a few weeks another of the Dresden Files will release. I’ve read them all and while I can tell the author is getting to the end of his creativity and spark – they have all been hilarious and enjoyable. Thanks for posting this – I had somewhat forgotten to take a peek at what was coming out soon!

    3. AY*

      I am eagerly anticipating Maggie O’Farrell’s new novel, the Marriage Portrait, which should be out next week! I also have already reserved Barbara Kingsolver’s retelling of David Copperfield and the new Cormac McCarthy book (never read him–seemed like a good opportunity to try!) at my library.

      Really enjoyed the first Thursday Murder Club book and plan to pick up book 2 sometime in the winter when I need a mood lifter!

    4. Jay*

      Can’t wait for the Meg Langslow book! Love that series! And my husband just bought the first in the Cities duology, so that’s on my list as well.

    6. Dark Macadamia*

      I’m excited for the final season of HBO’s His Dark Materials. I can’t imagine how they’re going to do the mulefa and I really hope it’s handled well! I’m going to be so sad if they’re terribly CGI’d or have their role significantly reduced, they were my favorite part of the third book.

  22. HannahS*

    A child’s first birthday party! Advice wanted. We’re thinking lunch in a park with friends and family. Likely a short baby-naming ceremony led by a family member who is a rabbi. We were very, very cautious through covid and did not have a baby-naming earlier. There won’t actually be many (or any) other children there, as we’re the first of our local friends and family to have a baby.

    What are the nicest things you’ve seen at a 1st birthday party?
    What are things that people tried that fell flat, in your opinion?
    If you’ve attended/had Jewish baby namings, what did you like/wish for?
    What does your culture do to celebrate new arrivals?

    1. HannahS*

      Oh and thank you SO MUCH to everyone who offered suggestions of gifts for a 1 year-old. One relative already sent me pictures of second-hand mega blocks, another sourced some ride-on toys, and my grandma is getting us a little table.

    2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      If you are going to do a smash cake, try a vegan recipe. They crumble MAGNIFICENTLY, or at least the one I used did. Baby ended up with a pile of crumbs and green icing up to his eyebrows.

    3. Jay*

      We sponsored an oneg at a family shabbat service for our kid’s first birthday and we served cupcakes. She could actually eat and enjoy a cupcake – she’s 22 so “smashcakes” weren’t a thing and I had no interest in having her any more covered in goo than she normally managed.

      My favorite thing about baby namings is hearing the story of the name that was chosen and what it means to the family. I’ve also seen people hand the baby down the generations starting with the oldest generation present – so great-grandma to grandma to parents, if you’re lucky enough to have your own grandparents there. That would be more difficult with a one-year-old than with a smaller baby!

      My least favorite thing about kid birthday parties at any age is opening gifts in public. We did not do that at any of her parties. I think it’s overstimulating and chaotic and confusing to really little kids. We put the gifts aside with profuse thanks and she opened them afterwards – when she was really little we doled them out a few at a time. That allowed us to respond to the gifts appropriately without insulting the givers. My parents, in particular, were not receptive to guidance and had a tendency to give her presents that we did not want her to have. And there were often duplicates that we would donate, regift, or return.

      1. Sloanicota*

        See this is interesting – my sister did this one year when her kids were maybe four or five, setting aside a lot of the Christmas gifts and saving them to be opened a few at a time over I think the next month or so. I’m sure the kids do get overstimulated and that is wrong too, but I also wondered if they thought I had forgotten them at Christmas and why someone had stored up a random January gift! It was fine but I’d rather she’d asked for no gifts and had people just send food, or something, somehow.

        1. Nack*

          As a mom to a five year old, I can say that in my experience, my kid has never really grasped exactly which day is Christmas, or who has given him which gift. We tend to got lots of presents in the mail from far away family and so we open them as they come, and draw it out after Christmas as well. We have a pretty large family and it is simply overwhelming for him to open 25 gifts in one day (almost all toys of course!)

        2. Patty Mayonnaise*

          Opening them over the course of a month is… interesting. I see where the idea came from: when my son was that age and younger, it took all day/multiple days to unwrap presents because he wanted to play with each toy as he unwrapped it. Plus one year my husband’s uncle sent 6-7 inexpensive and unwrapped gifts for my son’s birthday, which was a bit much on top of his other gifts, and we held some until the next major gift-giving holiday. But opening them over the course of a month feels a bit… odd, for some reason!

        3. Jay*

          My kid’s birthday is at the end of January. We are Jewish. My husband’s family is not. So our holiday season started with Chanukah – sometimes in the first week of December – and felt like it lasted for two months. We doled out the presents a few at a time for weeks. I guarantee you she never thought someone had forgotten her. And each gift got more attention than it would have if there had been an avalanche all in one day.

    4. A Becky*

      We did a digital “Brit shalom” for ours, and I really liked washing the baby’s feet as a sign of welcome :)

    5. Elle*

      We did ours in a park and it was lovely. Not formal, good food from a middle eastern place, beer for the grown ups. Very relaxed and meaningful. It was a similar crowd where there were a handful of babies.

    6. Nack*

      I can only think of 1 first birthday party I’ve been to, and it was nice. Since there were few/no other children there, the parents framed it as a party to thank their friends for helping them survive their first year. The little girl did not open presents at the party (like the suggestion above). But there was still plenty of gushing over how adorable she was/how big she’d grown/ etc. And since it was all adults the food was a little more grown up and mimosas were served.

      1. BubbleTea*

        My baby’s first birthday party did have a handful of children there, but I invited people specifically because they’d been crucial to my survival of the first year of parenting. We had a picnic in a park and chatted while the babies threw falafel at each other and babbled. I asked for no gifts as we were moving house literally a few days later, and still got quite a lot of books but honestly no complaints, they’re all lovely books! And a couple of beautiful toys.

    7. Perpetual hobbyist*

      One of the things I thought was fun to do for my kids first birthdays was to print off pictures from each month of their life (so a picture from when they were 1 month, 2 month, etc with a total of 12 pictures). Then I assigned each one a letter randomly, displayed the pictures all mixed up, and had our guests see if they could write down the correct order of the pictures. It was fun to see how they had grown over the year!

    8. Irish Teacher*

      I haven’t seen this personally, but one thing I read of somebody doing was getting everybody to give a letter, note, present, whatever, to be kept for the child to open at 18 – memories, etc. They said that by the time the child was 18, some of the people had died, moved away, etc and it was very moving for their child to read all the messages they had for her.

      In Ireland, christenings tend to be the big thing – this is likely to change as Ireland becomes more multi-cultural and less Catholic.

    9. Gnome*

      I know a family that rented out an entire gymnasium at the local athletic center. It was kinda ridiculous in my opinion, but they had a large local family with lots of older cousins. We just had cake and took pictures (no local family) and invited a couple friends from the tot lot. Do what works for you. The kid won’t remember it and unless it’s at nap time or too loud or something, they won’t actually care and might not notice.

  23. Falling Diphthong*

    I have been negotiating with Destructobot about lying on my keyboard–“Be still! I shall make the keyboard fluffy, like me!”–and finally realized I hadn’t checked the dry food situation, as the first one up.

    They still had dry food, but it is important that a human check in the morning.

    1. Slightly Above Average Bear*

      If there is any part of the dish visible between bits of kibble, the dish is empty according to Sweeneycat.

        1. Sloanicota*

          What IS this, seriously? What is the kitty psychology? We’re talking about a cat who has NEVER run out of food in her life, so why is she upset if the food gets stirred around and she can see the bottom? There’s still like half a cup left!

      3. Sloanicota*

        Drives me nuts because she never wants to eat those last bits of kibble! If I pour new kibble on top, that kibble at the bottom is getting older and older! We’re not made of money, Sloanicat, I need you to eat all the nice food I buy you!

        1. Asenath*

          I cheat – I get a clean bowl, put the appropriate-sized scoops of kibble in it, and sprinkle the scraps from yesterday on top. Picky cat will probably ignore it, but Not-Picky cat will eat it at some time during the day.

          1. Dancing Otter*

            That sounds like a really clever idea!
            Sometimes I’m tempted to sweep up all the kibble Winston throws on the floor back into the bowl. But ANTS! I probably throw out the equivalent of an entire sack of Science Diet every year.

            1. Sloanicota*

              Yeah don’t get me started on the food she spills everywhere. I would feel bad putting dirty food back in the bowl but also c’mon kitty you’re killing me this food is made of gold

          2. My Cat's Humsn*

            Yep, same here – yesterday’s leftovers go on top. :) I got a kids water-coloring tray (about 10″×20″x1.5″, meant for corralling potential spills, from Michael’s or Container store), lined it with a paper towel, and put the food/water bowls on it. Now even pieces she flings/drops onto the paper towel get put back in the bowl.

        2. rr*

          Once a week, I give one of the cats an entirely new dish of food and throw away everything that is still in the dish that morning. She loves it and eats more of it on that day. Once a week I feel like I can indulge her (she also gets a new place mat). I do think part of the reason she likes it though is that the food gets gross the way she eats (dipping her paw in the water dish, then the food dish, then actually eating the food). She used to drool too before she had her teeth fixed, so the bottom of the food was always somewhat sticky and wet.

        3. Random Bystander*

          My colony (the outdoor cats) are very lucky–once a day, they get whatever scraps are left over from my indoor cats. The outdoor colony will eat anything (the rest of their diet being made up of the kibble the neighbor leaves out plus whatever they manage to catch from local wildlife). I’ve spayed the females of the colony, but haven’t started on neutering the males of it yet.

      4. Asenath*

        So it’s not only my own cats that need the bottom of the dry food bowl covered for some weird reason of their own? They also get canned food, and it is oh so obvious that the kibble is something you nibble when you have to, but the canned food (unless it’s a new and expensive brand I decided to try out) is the food of the gods. Unlike some cats who can apparently tell time, mine have decided that “canned food time” is not when I wake up for the day, which is pretty much the same time every day, but any time I emerge from bed after having gone there for the night. There cannot possibly be any reason for me to get up in the night except to open a new can of cat food – even if the kibble is covering the bottom of the bowl, because I checked its level before going to bed.

  24. What’s Up Doc?*

    This is not about a medical diagnosis, it’s about etiquette and what would you do, so I hope this is allowed.

    My mom has been seeing a specialist (not her general practitioner) for a specific problem that is not life threatening but is painful. The specialist said she needs surgery and referred her to a specialist surgeon who he sang extremely high praises of with his own private practice. My mom met with the surgeon, liked him, and has the surgery set to go in November. Recently she was visiting with a friend whose neighbor wandered over to hang out. The surgery came up in conversation and it turned out the neighbor’s wife had the exact same surgery with this same surgeon and it was horrible.

    Three months after her surgery, She hadn’t healed and the original pain was still there but the surgeon was dismissive of her concerns. She went to Johns Hopkins (the best hospital in our area) who said that he’d done her surgery terribly and to get her surgeon to fix it. The surgeon was dismissive of the doctor at Johns Hopkins, saying those young doctors don’t know anything (surgeon is in his 60s, the JH doc his 40s) and that hospital is terrible. The neighbor’s wife got the JH doc to do the surgery (a 2 hour procedure that went 4 hours while they undid what the surgeon had done) and she recovered without issue a month later.

    So my mom doesn’t know what to do. Does she listen to these two people she doesn’t know (her friend trusts them, says they do not make up wild stories, and their details about the surgeon show that this is the same surgeon) and find a new surgeon, even though it means having to do all the preop stuff she’s already started over again? Does she stay with the surgeon who has rave reviews from her specialist and online? And if she does leave, what does she say to her specialist doctor, who she does like and trust and will need to see again after this, but could take it personally if she doesn’t see the surgeon that he enthusiastically recommended? She’s going to talk with her general practitioner next week but I wanted thoughts with others that I could share with her; she was already feeling anxious about the surgery and having this wrench thrown into her plans has upset her.

    1. Ellis Bell*

      I think to hell with etiquette when health is involved. Your mother is entitled to do what feels best and safest to her. If this story has raised question marks to her then her specialist doctor should understand that. Has she considered speaking to the JH doctor to confirm the story and get a second opinion?

    2. FashionablyEvil*

      Sounds like she should get a second opinion on the surgery—if any of her docs questions question that, that’s definitely a red flag, but getting a second opinion is pretty standard.

      1. WellRed*

        Yes discuss with her doctor, get a second opinion or even third. Your mom shouldn’t cancel because of one person’s experience (filtered through their own lens ).

      2. Imtheone*

        Getting a second opinion is reasonable and normal. Good doctors respect the patient’s right to get a second opinion.

        The preop testing info belongs to your mother. She probably wouldn’t need to repeat all of the tests.

    3. kina lillet*

      My take is, get an appointment with the JH doc. Two reasons: one, I’ve never had luck with online reviews to find providers, only actual in-person recommendations. And two, while it’s very possible indeed to have bad experiences at prestigious medical institutions, there is still a huge difference in quality between a for-real hospital like Hopkins interested in maintaining its prestige and a smaller office/private practice.

      1. Green Beans*

        It’s not just interest in maintaining prestige – doctors at places like JH have opportunities to sub-sub-specialize, see rare cases and diseases frequently, collaborate and/or learn from leaders in the field, and just overall have way more resources.

        For example, let’s say a new treatment just came on the market but a doctor is hesitant to recommend it. If you’re at a major medical center, you’re probably only 2 or 3 degrees away from a person that worked on the trial who would be happy to speak with you directly about your concerns or you may even have seen an academic presentation on the data and heard what your peers thought during the Q&A or you have a colleague in research who has read all of the relevant publications as they’ve been published (different from a presentation from the pharma company rep, which is likely what would be available to your GP.)

        That level of expertise and resources can easily become overkill – like if you’re comfy with your GP and you have common conditions they can easily treat/manage, that’s a good place to be in! But if you have a rare or complex thing going on, that level of expertise and resources can be life-changing.

        1. kina lillet*

          Absolutely agreed. I think I’m wary of sounding snobby about this but there are really material, significant differences between hospitals in quality of care.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      How random is that? A person she does not know tells your mom of their experience. In my life for me, this would be a sign.
      Honestly, I’d go to the surgeon who corrected this person’s problem.

      Your mom has two discomforts to choose from.
      A) This discomfort of changing docs
      B) The discomfort of worry and a possible botched surgery.

      I would not worry about etiquette here. Of course be polite in delivering the message but I would simply say, “I have decided to go with someone else.” And then offer NO explanation.
      It’s her body, it’s her right to pick who she wants.

      Did she google this other guy? If no, she should to see what people are saying.

    5. Observer*

      oes she listen to these two people she doesn’t know (her friend trusts them, says they do not make up wild stories, and their details about the surgeon show that this is the same surgeon) and find a new surgeon, even though it means having to do all the preop stuff she’s already started over again? Does she stay with the surgeon who has rave reviews from her specialist and online?

      Has she had a second opinion on the issue of surgery? If not, that’s actually a good first step.

      If she’s been through that, and it’s a matter of which doctor to choose, I’d be worried. How does the specialist who referred her treat her? Does he take her concerns seriously? Would he be willing to go to bat for her with the surgeon if necessary? That could make a real difference in dealing with any issues that might come up.

      Otherwise, do some more research. If she had a solid relationship with her PCP, she should talk to him as well.

      Don’t worry about what to tell the surgeon. You don’t need to explain. But you do need to let the practice know as soon as possible if you decide to make a switch.

    6. Observer*

      d if she does leave, what does she say to her specialist doctor, who she does like and trust and will need to see again after this, but could take it personally if she doesn’t see the surgeon that he enthusiastically recommended?

      I forgot to note this: If her specialist doctor is going to “take it personally” and let that affect his treatment, she needs a new doctor!

    7. Star Struck*

      Run. Pick a different doc.l ! Get multiple opinions from different practices. Remember that a doc with nice bedside manners may or may not be a doc who is the most technically skilled. And if someone is cutting you open, you want them to have skilled hands. If you have any nurses who are friends, ask them. Nurses know who is good.

  25. Littorally*

    I enjoyed Peter Darling quite a lot, but I have to say — it jumped out at me several times that the author and editor apparently both forgot that Hook has… well, a hook! As in not two hands.

    1. marvin*

      I was excited to learn about this book today and bought it immediately (thanks Alison!) This makes me feel like I’m not the only trans person to have had a fascination with Peter Pan when I was younger. Might have had something to do with all the cross-dressing in the stage versions. Will try not to get too distracted by hook inconsistencies.

    2. Tired of Working*

      I always wondered if he was called Captain Hook because he had a hook, or if his last name was Hook, making the whole thing a big coincidence.

  26. Hopeful Ex Librarian*

    Removed because this is the non-work thread but you’re welcome to post this on next Friday’s work open thread.

    1. Hatchet*

      Nature’s Bakery Fig bars (which come in raspberry, blueberry, apple, etc) are my go-to work snack and you can find them in most grocery stores or Walmart. (They’re pretty filling but they are high in sugar.)

  27. It's Bamboo O'Clock, Tick-Tock*

    I will be moving to an adjoining state. I don’t want to buy a roof rack, but I do want to put stuff on top of my car. I’m thinking of using a tarp to support a futon mattress on my roof rails- is this a terrible idea?

    1. Squidhead*

      We made a cheap roof rack out of 3 or 4 2x4s. Each was longer than the width of the rails. We drilled a hole in each end of each one and then tied them down with good knots. We could then put stuff across them and tie down to the 2x4s or to the rails. Caveat: we are good at knots. Caveat 2: we didn’t usually use this at highway speeds, just around town. I think your futon mattress will overhang the rack and make it hard to tie anything else down securely.

    2. fposte*

      I think this could be reasonable, depending on size, weight, and car. I’d make sure it was independently rolled, with the roll fastened closed on its own without being attached to the roof rack, and the roll attached to the roof rack to prevent moving forward and backward as well as side by side. (You really don’t want a futon sliding down your windshield at a sudden stop.) You may want a hand when it comes to putting it on top of the car, since those things are unwieldy as well as heavy.

    3. ShinyPenny*

      Sounds like you have never done this before– I think this fact alone is the deal-breaker, because it’s a fairly awkward proposition.
      Highway speeds increase the risk of system failure, so it’s not really where you want to start learning this skill– because system failure here would really endanger innocent bystanders. So, deal-breaker #2.
      The length of the trip is also not Beginner Friendly. Weather is a possible last minute deal-breaker as well: rain or wind would be a lot worse.
      Also, I’m not sure exactly what you mean, but no tarp will be strong enough to “support” a futon. Futons are heavy!
      Selling it and buying another that’s local to your new abode would be a much safer option– for you, and for all the other people sharing the road with you :)

      1. WellRed*

        I also vote for buying a new one in your new location. Not sure how a tarp would secure a futon and if you have any highway driving, we’ll, I don’t think it’s great safety wise, having been behind a pickup that lost a big sheet of plywood or a table going through Boston at lower speeds.

    4. lissajous*

      The purpose of a roof rack is that it takes the load and distributes it to the walls of the car, which are better designed to take a vertical load (the roof is not, it’s just a flat sheet of metal). A tarp won’t help with that at all.

      Also, aside from the roof rack question: if you are going to transport a mattress of any sort on the roof of a car, please tie it down very securely both across and down the length of the car. At freeway speeds the mattress can very easily turn into an unintentional sail if there’s any room for the wind to get under it!

    5. Firebird*

      My husband worked for a large furniture store that got sued when a mattress fell off of a customer’s car and killed a woman in the car behind.

      It would be safer to just get a new mattress.

    6. Kay*

      Please please please do not be that person going down the freeway with an amateur load on the verge of flying off – oh wait – it just flew off causing a multiple car pileup. It is extremely difficult to properly tie down / properly secure any load. Once you have the force of freeway speeds bearing down on you – for a trip to another state no less! – it is amazing how quick and how much things loosen up.

      Lets just say I’m in an area where people do this far too often, there is far too much road debris, there are soooo many accidents caused because of this, and trust me – you don’t want to be the person who is trying to figure out how to get off the road quick enough to keep from killing people. It is a horrible idea and please do not do it.

      1. Imtheone*

        I moved several times with my full-sized futon rolled up in the back of my little hatchback. One trip with the futon, one trip with the boxes.

  28. Writing retreat?*

    I have the amazing good fortune of receiving a 3 month Sabbatical for Feb through May 2023.
    I live in the upper midwest therefore wish to go somewhere to write that is warm.
    Money is not an issue right now. (been saving for years)
    Issues to consider
    – I am at high risk for COVID so need to go somewhere fairly safe where people aren’t thinking “this is all over”
    Due to physical limitations, not good long distances in a car.
    I am thinking a writing retreat.
    Anyone ever done something like this?
    Any recommendations?

    1. Maryn*

      It’s a challenge reaching a warm-weather area from the upper Midwest when you’re not good with lots of hours in the car. Are you able to fly? Take the train? Short days in the car, taking your time reaching a destination?

      What I’d seek is a house or condo rental in an area where you can either get groceries delivered or have contact-free pick-up. That means the isolated cottage or cabin we imagine for our writing retreats won’t work, but a vacation- or tourism-area rental will.

      Pick a destination city or area you can get to by whatever means of travel works for you. (Flights to Orlando and Las Vegas are often bargains compared to other areas with similar weather.) Then search “vacation rental CityName” and see what’s what.

    2. fposte*

      On the COVID thing: it’s going to be really hard to predict how a place will be responding in February (and higher responses may mean higher COVID levels, too). I also think it might help you to identify what COVID protocols are important to you. I don’t think there’s anyplace in the US, for instance, where masking predominates inside now (very willing to admit I’m wrong if I am!). You also have a fair bit of control over exposure once you’re at a destination. If you’re looking at an organized writing retreat there may be colony/retreat protocols that you could work with, but otherwise I’d say stock up on the KN-95s, make sure you can do delivery for food, and then focus on other considerations.

      1. zyx*

        Lots of people are still masking in my part of San Francisco! Not everyone, but about 75% of the people in my grocery store are masked when I do my shopping. Same on my daily commute via transit (where technically masks are still required, but nobody enforces it).

        That said, San Francisco is probably too far from the Midwest, and it’s although it’s never cold here by Midwest standards, it’s also not warm. And like you said, fposte, it’s hard to predict what folks will be doing COVID-wise in February.

        1. fposte*

          Ah, good information! I was thinking California might be one of the more careful states, at least in the cities, but I wasn’t sure.

    3. Sloanicota*

      If you’re able to fly (unclear from your post – but I do think it can be pretty safe if you fly direct, when it’s not crowded in the airport & you can stay at least 6 feet from everybody, and wear a KN95 without ever taking it off the whole flight – ideally on an airline that either mandates masks or at least doesn’t attract anti-maskers) – New Orleans or Key West are my recommendations. New Orleans was very covid-conscious because they had a bad early wave, Key West is distinct from the rest of Florida – but mostly because they have a strong indoor-outdoor dining culture, so it’s easy to find restaurants that have, if not pleasant patios, at least huge open windows. I have done writing retreats in both cities and found them very inspiring.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Should have said, wear the mask the whole *time* not flight – as I suspect the airport and boarding is worse than the plane ride for spreading it. People would keep sitting next to me in the terminal and taking off masks to eat and cough last time I flew, sigh.

      2. WellRed*

        One drawback. The timeframe is smack dab in the middle of everything from school vacation to spring break to Mardi Gras.

    4. Writing retreat?*

      My fantasy is a direct flight to Palm Desert /Springs and two weeks in a rental near a hot springs with a rental car.

    5. HaveFun!*

      I’m in Mexico (Oaxaca) right now and everyone takes Covid really seriously. Masks outside and hand sanitizer everywhere. Plus plenty of places to eat outside. Aeromexico still requires masks on flights, if it connects anywhere near you? Not sure about the writing retreat part in a non-English speaking country but it’s lovely here

  29. Demsthebreaks*

    So I recently got gel nails in different pastel colors (I’ll post a link to an example below) and I’m going to attend a “black tie optional” wedding tomorrow. Are my multicolored nails inappropriate for the level of formality of this wedding? Do I need to get the gel removed? I’ll be wearing a full-length black gown. Also, the tails are slightly grown out (I’ll see if I can find a example pic I can link to). Is that a big no-no at a very formal occasion like this?

    3. cat socks*

      I’ve never really attended a very formal event, but I think it’s fine. I think chipped polish or broken nails would be less polished than just the exposed nail bed.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I think the pastel nails look fine.

      The standard advice for work looks in a conservative environment is only one “fun” thing at a time. (So if your shoes are bright yellow, everything else is sedate.) You’re already wearing a black dress* and if your hair and jewelry are simple the nails can be the one popping piece.

      (For the grown out aspect–I rarely wear fingernail polish and would remove it before it got to that level even if sitting at home where only I saw it. But that’s me.)

      *Assume this is not Rene Russo’s black dress from The Thomas Crown Affair; if it is, I predict most people won’t notice your nail polish. So also an approach!

    5. RagingADHD*

      If the colors were dark like the sample picture, having them grown out to that extent would be a deal breaker for me, personally, to be comfortable wearing them with a formal dress.

      But the pastels aren’t going to be that high contrast, so I’d probably keep them.

    7. ecnaseener*

      You’ve probably already left for the wedding, but just chiming in to say this is part of what the “optional” part of “black-tie optional” is for, it means you can skew towards cocktail attire!

  30. Richard Hershberger*

    In addition to my earlier post about turning in my manuscript, I was just interviewed for the podcast Professor Buzzkill on the real origin of baseball. I am told that it will be posted on Tuesday, for anyone who wants to hear me give incisive insights and/or drone on endlessly.

    1. sagewhiz*

      Absolutely give us the link next weekend! AND be sure to ask permission to use the audio on the book website, even tho it’s so far in the future.

      (‘Nother idea: put Mike Barnicle on the list of people to receive an ARC, he’s hugely into baseball.)

  31. WellRed*

    So I asked last week about tipping for housecleaning. They did the most awesome job but there were a few hiccups (communication error? I dunno). They were an hour late (sounds like they ran into an issue, it happens) and though they told me when on the way, I wish they would have indicated where they were driving from. The mgr estimated two hours for the job ( team of three). it took 3.5 so they didn’t finish till six. And then wanted to charge $450! I checked. That’s very high in this area. We negotiated $25o which was fair but I was bothered by worrying they thought I was underpaying. I would have paid the $450 if I were wealthy but this was already a splurge. I wanted to support a small, newish immigrant owned biz but I wish I’d asked around more for a direct recommendation but it was a last minute idea on my part.

    1. Sloanicota*

      Ugh this is hard, because you said they did do an awesome job and they could have left sooner by cutting corners (unless they were claiming it was $450 because of the length of time? In which case I retract my statement). I don’t know about going rates but I’d probably try someone else next time. But a LOT of people have told me they aren’t satisfied with the level of cleaning after the first visit, which is really the whole point for me (I’ve been asking around about this too, as I really need the help right now).

      1. WellRed*

        They did a bit more than I asked ( I had three specific rooms) like mopping dining room which I didn’t need but my grubby kitchen sink looks brand new, they even cleaned toaster oven, shined tea pot and put my kitchen trash out,

    2. fposte*

      How did they quote their rates to you when you first arranged with them? In my experience it’s usually either an hourly rate or a flat rate (in practice an hourly rate often evolves into a flat rate, based on “your place generally takes one hour” rather than fussing about times they finish early or late), and this sounds like it might have been neither. $450 does sound high to me, but I’m in a fairly LCOL area. I currently pay $85 for a roughly hour-long service, usually with three people descending on my place and speedily working their way through it; the first time was probably more, because that’s pretty common.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah I’ve heard a lot of services do a great job the first visit but quality may slide over time. Understandably, perhaps, but still annoying.

    3. North Wind*

      Urgh, I feel you on that dilemma, but they should have communicated with you rather than just doing all the work and charging you nearly double; that’s not cool! They could’ve said when they arrived or after they started cleaning, we didn’t realize the scope of the work – can you go higher on the price or what would you like us to focus on that can be done in x amount of time for $250? They really handled this unethically, IMO.

      I know some cleaning services chains want to come to your home and see it to offer a quote, and the last person I hired (from Thumbtack) asked to either come and see or for me to send pictures of each room before offering a quote. Maybe if you do this again, see if the person has some basis for the quote they’re offering rather than just a flat rate for 2 bed/2 bath or whatever? I say that to try to help :), but I do think (unless you go with a national chain that has some sort of guarantee) that hiring someone from TaskRabbit or Thumbtack is a bit of a crapshoot and that you’re a bit at the mercy of the reviews.

    4. Jim Bob*

      $450 is excessive for even 3.5 hrs. We have a biweekly clean that costs around $100 for 1200 sq ft (local, single proprietor, not a chain; I frankly don’t trust the big chains where you get someone different every time). I think it takes about 2 hrs, but I don’t really care as long as the house is clean.

      1. The Person from the Resume*

        However lots of companies say the first visit will cost more because there’s more to clean. They are working on things that may not have been cleaned/deep cleaned in a long while.

        This was a team of 3 for 3.5 hours.

        OTOH why didn’t WellRed know what to expect in time and price.

      1. acmx*

        That’s, what, $23/hour? Fposte’s rate is about $28/person.

        It’s location dependent. The place I use charges a 2 hour minimum for $90 for 1 person.

      2. Anono-me*

        The way that I am reading this is not so much that Wellred thinks $250 for three people for 3.5 hours is fair, so much as Wellread decided to hire a small business to send 3 people to clean for 2 hours and to clean 3 rooms as well as possible within those 2 hours. Then the workers massively exceed that agreed time frame.

        I do think it it is possible that there was a miscommunication at the time of the agreement. Maybe the company saw it as Wellread hired the company to send 3 people to clean 3 rooms as best as possible (with a guess that it would take 2 hours) but that it would take as long as it took.

        Part of what I think makes this feel weird is that this is a housekeeping service and that Wellread shared that they deliberately tried to support a small immigrant business . Both are situations where historically the interactions between the customer and the employees have been more like an interaction between a direct employer and employee and thus more vulnerable to abuse. (I also think it is why some people might be looking at it as Wellread paying people a wage of $23 instead of $38, when it is the company that pays employees. )

        In this situation, I think the big question is, “Was Wellread or another responsible person home during the cleaning?”; because if someone responsible was home and nothing was said when the team wasn’t done or even close to finishing at the 2 1/4 hours mark then that feels like taking advantage. Otherwise I think an honest mistake occurred, which I think ultimately is the company’s to take responsibility for.

        Going forward, when have something done without a fixed price, I find it helpful to say something like “Please go ahead and do anything up to $X; but for anything more than $X, you need to call me for approval.”

  32. I don't mean to be rude, I'm just good at it*

    Fall is beginning and so is festival season. What is your favorite food truck food at a fall festival. Do you have a favorite fall festival that you would try not to miss no matter what?

    Mine was always the “Chinatown Night Market” in Philadelphia, but there is no mention if they are going to revive it this year.

    1. Girasol*

      State fair is nearly an autumn festival here. I do love a good state fair corn dog but my first favorite is the Idaho ice cream potato: a lump of vanilla ice cream rolled in cocoa so it looks like a jacket potato, split in half and slathered with whipped cream and some chocolate sauce.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Not a food truck, but our local end of summer funfair is coming to a close next week, and my favourite stall is the Creperie Bretonne with delicious savoury buckwheat galettes and sweet crepes.

    2. Rara Avis*

      Renn Faire — in our area it’s a fall thing — 6 weekends in September/October. Haven’t gone since Covid but it’s all outside, so maybe this year?

    3. Bluebell*

      Not especially food truck, but once it’s Sept, it’s obligatory to enjoy apple cider and cider doughnuts in New England.

  33. Fishsticks*

    hello!
    so I used to know how to sew and still know the basics of how a machine works. I really want to get into making my own clothes but am having trouble figuring out where to buy fabric from and am generally looking for good tutorials/fun patterns for beginners. thanks in advance!

    1. Ginger Pet Lady*

      Fabric stores like Joann are where my daughter who sews gets her stuff. I only know of one other fabric store in my area, but they are quilt specialists so I don’t know if you could get fabric for anything else there.
      As for patterns, They have books at Joann you can look through, and also Etsy. I know I’ve seen her use both.
      Check YouTube for sewing tutorials.

      1. Clisby*

        Joann also sometimes offers sewing classes. My grad-school daughter just took an introductory one that basically was How to Use a Sewing Machine 101. Her cat apparently approves of the pillow she made. (I don’t think she particularly wants to make clothes; more likely curtains or slipcovers or that sort of thing.)

    2. Reba*

      Many indie/small pattern designers publish sew alongs, so I would look for those as a starting point. Closet Core, Chalk and Notch come to mind but there are lots out there! Sewaholic has very technical & detailed posts which are a great reference.

      For online fabric orders, I’ve used Mood and Hart’s with good results. Hart’s will pick matching thread for you, which is a neat little service. Mood will do swatches.

      1. eeeek*

        Yes, this!
        I think that some indie/small pattern designers make a point of writing instructions that are clear, stepwise, well-illustrated, and annotated with glossary items and references to resources. (I re-entered garment sewing – and sewing with knits – via the Helen’s Closet Blackwood Cardigan, and I sewed my first pair of jeans with Closet Core’s tutorials, sew-alongs, and great instructions.) Even larger operations, like Seamwork, focus on welcoming new sewists. And seamwork has a strong community element.

        Another resource for patterns is sewingpatternreviewcom . It’s nice to read reviews of a LOT of patterns, often with photos, that really focus on the nuts and bolts of the pattern. And there’s a community there, too – I’ve avoided some issues with my makes by checking out the community boards to see if a problem I was trying to solve had been solved before.

        For fabric, I try to shop locally if I can, and we have alternatives to Joann’s in my town. My favorite online shop is emmaonesock, but I also like Mood.
        The best advice I’ve gotten for learning about fabric came from browsing our used book stores and libraries to get a sense of names and properties of different types of fabric…and then going to Joann to look at and feel examples and get swatches of what I liked best. It takes practice (I was suckered by many remnants) but there’s a lot of help out there.

        1. eeeek*

          I should clarify that browsing bookstores and libraries for books about fabric, not the fabric itself. There are a number of “encyclopedia of fabric” type books out there, and I have found that one book is more comprehensive than many websites. (Sadly, I can’t find the name of the random book I checked out of the library many years ago, or I’d recommend it.)

    4. migrating coconuts*

      Not sure where you are located, but around here we have Joann’s fabrics and crafts store. There are lots of pattern books to look at, and there is a whole section of easy patterns to choose from. Those are usually good to start with. They offer sewing classes too.

    5. merp*

      on fabrics-store.com, which primarily sells linen, there are also both tutorial blog posts and free patterns! you kind of have to filter down to find the patterns that are just available for download, but they come with great instructions and can be printed at home. I’ll post a link to the actual pattern page as a reply.

    6. HBJ*

      I buy my fabric from either Joann’s or I thrift it. You can Google to find if you have any local fabric shops, but there likely won’t be any unless you live in a fairly large urban area or there will only be quilt shops. Quilt fabric is not garment fabric. Some people do make garments out of quilting cottons, but it’s generally not recommended because the drape and weave and such doesn’t really lend itself to garments. Joanns and other chain fabric stores (Hobby Lobby, Walmart’s fabric section, Spotlight in Australia) tend to get a bad rap in the sewing community for being poor quality, but I’ve found that if I shop carefully and am picky, I can find some quite good fabrics. You can also shop online, but I personally don’t like to because I can’t see it, feel it or assess the thickness/opacity and pillability (is that a word?).

      For patterns, there are smaller indie companies, pattern magazines like Burda, pattern books that include a dozen or so patterns and instructions, and the “Big 4,” which is McCall’s, Vogue, Butterick, Simplicity plus New Look (and people sometimes bundle Burda envelope patterns into there, too). Browse around and see what styles you like. The Big 4 is what you can get at Joanns or Walmart or similar. Indie patterns are almost exclusively sold online. Also, do some research because not all patterns are well drafted. Pattern Review is a great community. There’s also r/sewing and r/craftsnark on Reddit.

      Last, I recommend buying a good reference book so you can look up more detailed info on particular techniques. I’ve found that no matter what pattern you use, even ones touted as having “detailed instructions for beginners” will have spots that make you stop and scratch your head and think.

    7. Rara Avis*

      I’m in a similar situation, and my kid wanted to make a very fitted dress for a Halloween costume. The challenge was that all of their measurements put them into different sizes. So we had to do some pretty serious patterning which was definitely not in my skill set. Making a mock-up helped.

    8. Tea and Sympathy*

      I like to quilt and have found Facebook quilting groups really helpful. A lot of members of those groups order fabric online. Two of the most popular sites are fabricdotcom and hancocks-paducahdotcom. And there are really good sewing tutorials on YouTube.

  34. BlueWolf*

    My partner and I are seriously considering adopting a dog. We both grew up with dogs, but have not had a dog as adults because we wanted to wait until we felt financially secure enough. We have a good idea of the type of dog we want, so now it’s just a matter of finding a suitable match at a local shelter/rescue. I know it could take some time since it’s about finding the right fit for us and the dog. Any tips about the adoption process, bringing the new dog home, etc? I’ve done some research obviously, but some more first hand advice would be nice. As a note, we own our home, so don’t have to worry about things like landlord permission or anything like that.

    1. Sloanicota*

      Fellow new dog owner here! Haven’t had a dog since I was a child, as this is the first time conditions have really lined up (working from home, own my home with a good fenced yard, have some disposable income (note – not enough!!) and traveling less due to pandemic. I assume you know that 3/3/3 rule? My big adult male hit the first two metrics well but took a LOT longer on that last three months – it’s almost been a year and I can still see him relaxing a bit more month over month. I assume a puppy with a less complex history would be quicker to adjust. A lot of people panic in the beginning and want to return the dog then but try to manage your expectations a bit and it may work out. I had to learn how to be a bit more flexible in my plans and work with his schedule a bit more. We compromise on timing (he would like everything at the exact. same. time. every day, I need a little bit more wiggle room).

      1. BlueWolf*

        Thanks! Yes, I am familiar with the 3-3-3 rule, but that’s a good point that it’s really more of a guideline than a rule so I’ll keep that in mind. I am in a similar situation where we finally own our own home and are both working from home.

    2. migrating coconuts*

      If you want a specific breed, or a mix that includes a specific breed, look for reputable rescue groups. Name a breed, they are out there. Facebook is actually a good place to start for the groups. I follow a lot of scottie rescue groups, and they are usually very good about getting to know you and your situation, and take their time to find for the best fit for the dog. You could also try fostering first, see how that goes. We adopted our last rescue about 3 years ago. Patience and not leaving them home alone for hours in the beginning is usually the best way to go. And lots of love when they are ready. Good luck!

      1. Sloanicota*

        I think the strategy for getting the dogs is interesting. I do not know the best approach; I have found that breed-specific rescues have the luxury of being quite picky – many that I checked said “you must have prior experience with this exact breed” and some also said “you must already have a dog of this breed in your home.” I ended up walking into our local shelter and finding a good dog for me, but I also know competition is fiercer for young or smaller dogs without health or behavioral issues (my dog is old, big, and has both! Wouldn’t trade him though). Sadly, several of my friends who wanted a specific healthy puppy of a specific breed ended up going through breeders, which in my personal opinion is unfortunate – but opinions vary widely. If you go this route I think at least really do your homework on the breeder and maybe donate something extra to the shelter that year.

      2. BlueWolf*

        Thanks! I thought about breed specific groups, but we also have a ton of general reduce groups and shelters in our area so I am kind of looking at all options. Luckily, we both work from home full time so leaving them home for long periods won’t be an issue.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Something you’ll want to do if y’all WFH is put extra care and training into making sure that the dog is comfortable being alone sometimes, you don’t want to get into separation anxiety to a point where you can’t both go out for dinner or shopping or whatever without a doggy panic attack.

    3. Blomma*

      If you’re in the USA, you should check that your homeowner’s insurance doesn’t have any breed restrictions or coverage restrictions related to dogs.

      1. BlueWolf*

        We’re looking specifically for a small dog, probably a chihuahua mix, so I don’t think that should be an issue. It’s good to note though. I think having any dog can affect home insurance coverage too, so probably good to look into. Our county also has a pit bull ban (which I don’t agree with), so any pit bull type dog would be ruled out anyways.

        1. 00ff00Claire*

          If you are looking for a chihuahua mix, check if you are in a region where there is a Chihuahua Rescue and Transport group. We adopted our dog through them and had a good experience. Mostly I think the process was pretty typical for a rescue group, but there were a few things that we thought were very helpful for the adoption process. We had a home visit and had to provide references, and I think that’s pretty common with rescues. The process was more involved than if we had gone to our shelter, so I would be a little wary if a rescue has a very easy adoption process. With CRT, we got to meet a lot of dogs and I think that is important. We went to a meet & greet, and they also allowed us to visit some dogs at their foster home. This was all pre-Covid, so I don’t know about visiting the foster homes, but our regional CRT does meet & greets again, and I would guess other rescues do too.

          Another thing that they did which was really good was that when we decided on a dog, they let us bring her home on a trial basis, originally for 2 weeks but extended to 3 due to her health at the time. This was very helpful because she was so nervous, shell-shocked, and sick that we couldn’t really get to know her well. While I know that 3-3-3 rule is more of a guideline, having her on a trial basis helped us sort out whether some of the issues we were seeing were due to us being a bad fit or just a part of the adjustment process. If a rescue does this, to me that’s a good indicator they care more about finding the right home for the dog than just getting dogs to any home.

          I would also say that if you can find out as much about a specific dog’s temperament, that is important. Some rescues will have guidelines about whether small dogs can be adopted to homes with children, partly due to the temperament of a lot of small dogs and partly due to their fragility. While you don’t mention children, it would be good to keep in mind whether there are any children in your life now or potentially in the future who would be around the dog regularly. Some small dogs are great with children, like my childhood chihuahua, some are not, and some are really fragile. Similarly, if you have friends / family with a dog that your dog would come into frequent contact with it would be good to take that into consideration when deciding on a specific dog.

    4. Sunshine*

      If you are looking for a specific breed check petfinder. It lists pets at all rescues based on distance you select.

    5. Cat and dog fosterer*

      If this is your first dog then please get one from a foster-based rescue. So many dogs behave differently in a shelter than a home, and you are more likely to get a better match to your lifestyle if you get a dog that has been living in a home. I foster a lot of dogs that come from shelters, and after a week of relaxing into a home situation they can often start to have problematic behaviors. This doesn’t happen every time, but it happens a lot more than I expected. There are all-breed foster-based rescues in most cities.

      Agreed with RRtAF about giving the dog a quiet space on their own for an hour or two every day to avoid separation anxiety. I do this with my fosters and it helps a lot.

    6. Anono-me*

      Have a full exam vet appointment soon after adopting. Many adoption organizations run bare bones on dedication and love using volunteer labor and things can get missed or not prioritized.

    7. Smol Book Wizard*

      Two things – feel free to take or leave them as preferred!
      A lot of small dogs, especially those who haven’t been cared for as well as they ought, may have some pretty expensive dental issues. Make sure that you get their mouths checked and/or ask the rescue for information on their last checkup!
      Second, if you find that rescue is not working out for you for whatever reason, and you’re not ethically opposed to it, try contacting local breeders of the general type of dog you want and asking if they have retired breeding dogs or show prospect dropouts who need homes. They don’t always advertise these friends, but I’ve gotten two lovely dogs that way. They can be a little eccentric (both the dogs and the breeders, haha) but if you’re anticipating getting a rescue, I think it will not be too much of a difference. And it is a great way to find a dog who, while they may have some quirks, is at least not a chaotic baby still.
      Best wishes!

  35. Firebird*

    A hummingbird has been coming to visit my balcony. Usually it just hovers outside the railing next to a large plant.
    Will a hummingbird feeder attract wasps? Do you have any ideas for encouraging its visits?

    1. SpellingBee*

      Well, yes, a feeder may attract wasps because it’s sugar water. That said, if you’re careful about the kind you buy you can lessen the attraction. Humzinger feeders are made so that it’s harder for the bees/wasps to get to the nectar, and the hummingbirds like them too. You still may have a few wasps buzzing around them of course, but I find they give up when they can’t get in easily. I have 5 feeders at various spots, and really enjoy watching the hummingbirds at them. They’re fascinating little creatures.

      To attract the hummingbirds, just put up a feeder! They’ll find it quickly. You don’t need to buy nectar, just make a solution of sugar water – 1/4 cup of sugar dissolved in 1 cup water. Don’t add food coloring, it’s not necessary and isn’t good for the birds. Change out the nectar every 2 or 3 days when it’s hot, as it will start to mold.

      1. BirdFren*

        Also, use only regular white sugar. Using honey, brown sugars, or sugar alternatives can kill them – they are unable to retract their tongues.

    2. eeeek*

      Awwww! I’m watching our hummingbirds while browsing AAM. I love them so much!
      – yep, you’ll get wasps/hornets/ants. An ant moat will take care of critters that crawl down to the feeder, and some feeders come with cages over the ports to discourage hornets/wasps. I use feeders that have really tiny holes, which also seems to help. But I still get hornets. When I see a lot of them, I know I probably have a new nest under the deck or in the eaves, and I have to remove it.
      – fresh food matters, but the schedule for changing the food depends on how hot it is. Change more frequently when it’s hot (above 85F, change daily), less when it’s cooler (every three days), never let the food get cloudy/moldy. I used to boil the sugar water, but it’s sufficient to use water hot enough to dissolve the sugar. (And of course, there’s no need to use red food coloring and never use anything other than white granulated sugar for the mix.) There’s also a lot of advice about adjusting the recipe depending on whether it’s hot (a little more water to help hydration) or they’re migrating (a little more sugar to fuel the trip). Check out the Cornell Lab of Ornithology for useful information (US-based) – https://www.allaboutbirds.org/news/feeding-hummingbirds/
      – My hummers prefer the large feeders with lots of ports – but I never fill the feeders to full! I only ever fill them with 4-6 oz, and the birds go through about 2/3 of that in 3 days.
      – I live near a lot of open fields and farmland, so I think my feeders are backups for when different flowering plants are not blooming, so I also have lots of hummingbird-friendly plants around the yard and on the deck. Having a lot of food sources seems to reduce fighting over the feeder – and these birds are very protective of their feeders! It’s alarming and fascinating to see them buzz around chasing other birds away…which is why I now have several feeders on different sides of the house.
      Yep, I’m a pushover for these li’l critters. Apologies for yammering on.

    3. GoryDetails*

      You can get small hummingbird feeders with ports narrow enough to deter most insects – I like the Aspects Mini-Humblossom style. It takes about half a cup of liquid and is easy to clean. In hotter weather I change the nectar every 2 or 3 days; in cooler weather it can go 3 or 4, but in general it’s better to err on the side of clean-and-fresh. I don’t use commercial hummingbird-nectar products, so I can’t comment on them; I just simmer a mix of 1-part sugar to 4-parts water for 5 minutes or so. (There are little ant-moat gadgets that you can hang in between the hanger and the feeder; the water keeps ants out, and I find that some small birds love to sip that water as if it’s a personal-sized drinking fountain, which is adorable but does mean I have to top off the water more often!)

      There are feeders that adhere to glass, if you would prefer to mount them that way, but I’ve had less success with those myself.

    4. KoiFeeder*

      Bees and wasps are smart enough that if they figure out that you are the refiller of the sugar water, they will generally leave you alone (at least for long enough that you can refill the sugar water). The downside is that they might decide to live right next to the hummingbird feeder.

      Honestly, if you’re concerned about wasps taking advantage of the feeder, you might want to consider making a mantis-hospitable zone. Praying mantises are great for keeping the wasp population down.

    5. Bluebell*

      I learned from my town gardening list that hummingbirds are attracted to the color red. I finally had one show up this year and think it was because I had a lot of red four o clocks. The feeder should work though. I think you have to take migration patterns into account too – I know they should be leaving the Northeast US soon.

    6. Kay*

      You can also put a flowering plant on your balcony – they like flowers shaped like tubes, and if they are native to your area all the better.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        Coral honeysuckle! It’s native to the southeastern states, is a fetching shade of red, tube-shaped, and the hummingbirds love it.

  36. migrating coconuts*

    Hello all,
    Making a camping trip and spending 4 days in Vermont, first week of October. Do you think it will be good leaf-peeping time? Too early, too late? Also, we have a few things we want to do, but looking for any must see’s or must do’s while there. Thanks!

    1. GoryDetails*

      The foliage dates do vary quite a bit; not sure how this long hot summer will affect it. You should have some splashes of color at that time of year in any case.

      Depending on where you’re going to be, I’d recommend a bounce across the border to New Hampshire for the Augustus Saint-Gaudens National Historical Site in Cornish NH; it includes the sculptor’s one-time home and studio, replicas of many of his most celebrated works, grounds with hiking trails, and more. It’s across the Connecticut River from Windsor, VT – and to get there you can take the historic Cornish-Windsor Covered Bridge!

      1. GoryDetails*

        Oh, and Quechee Gorge, Vermont, is in the same general area – another lovely spot.

        And those who love baking may want to travel a bit farther north to Norwich, to the home of King Arthur Flour {wry grin}. It, too, has hiking trails, fwiw!

        1. The Other Dawn*

          When my parents were alive and lived in NH, my mom and I went to King Arthur several times a year so I could stock up on their cocoa powder and some other things. I loved going there.

        2. M*

          Second both of these if you are going to be in the area. Woodstock and quechee are amazing. We have gone to Saint Gaudens twice this summer, once with our kids. It really has something for everyone and is absolutely gorgeous.

          If you are going to be further north, Jay Peak is really fun in fall and the town of Montgomery Center is tiny and wonderful.

          And most importantly, if you are going to be in the Burlington area, the Shelburne Museum (not the same thing as Shelburne Farm) is my favorite museum in the entire world and everyone should get there at least once!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I am across from lower to mid VT but in NY. The leaves are already changing here- not a lot but some outer leaves, just not the whole tree.

      You might be okay. What I would do is call the chamber of commerce for the area you plan on visiting, they probably can make a good guess.

    3. Angstrom*

      Vermont has more miles of dirt roads than paved ones, and most are great for cycling. Look for a company in your area that offers backroads e-bike tours.

      Where are you going to be camping?

  37. NotMyUsualUN*

    Hello wonderful commentariat. I am having a bit of a crisis of faith and I’m not sure what to do with it.

    My family attends a wonderful mainstream liberal church. Their values coincide with mine – ie: being open and welcoming to all including LGBT+, participating in anti-racism events, etc. However, it is also experiencing declining membership and has been operating with a tight budget for many, many years.

    The issue: I frequently help out the treasurer and secretary with our membership management software as they are not tech savvy at all. I volunteered to email out a mid-year giving summary to our members. This had to be done one by one as a bulk report is not available in the software we are now using. I generally try to not look at what other people give to the church as its not my business. I did well with running, downloading and emailing out the reports without actually looking at them. However, if there was no donations made by a member, there was not a button to download the report. I was pretty shocked by the amount of people who gave nothing at all this year. Even accounting for the people who donate cash or do an end of the year gift, or cannot give anything due to finances, there would be still a significant amount of members who give nothing. These are people who regularly attend church and includes about half of the members of our church board.

    I feel like giving up on our church. My family donates generously – about 10% of our take home pay and we have been doing this for years even when our budget was much tighter. It costs money to run a church! Repairs, utilities, salaries are needed. I used to do the math and figure if all regular members gave about 1/4 of what my family does, the church would not have any financial problems but now I find out that so many don’t give anything at all.

    I also feel trapped in that if my family leaves, the church will be in serious financial straits.

    (I realize that not all people are in a position to give but our congregation is in a middle class area, lots of these people live in nice neighborhoods, so the number of people who don’t give anything is much higher than could be explained by not being able to afford it.)

    1. WellRed*

      I don’t see why you’d leave because others aren’t doing enough. How does that help? What else does the church do to raise money? Is there an opportunity to use this new insight to encourage more giving? Do people have the full picture of the church’s needs? How about including a pie chart or two with data about % of members giving, average donation, etc? (I realize this may not be in your remit).

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      You don’t know other people’s financial situation no matter where they live. Maybe they make donations elsewhere because they feel it will do more good! Regardless, even if this isn’t formally a job for you it’s really unprofessional and inappropriate to judge people based on information that you only have access to for work reasons.

    3. Harriet Jacobs*

      What (if anything) has the church done in the past to increase donations from members?
      Are there church leaders you can discuss this with?
      Is there any way to do an anonymous survey to find out why members are not donating?
      I’m sure other commentators will have better suggestions.
      Remember, this is not your problem to solve on your own.

    4. fposte*

      Like WellRed, I’m a little startled by this reaction. People don’t give much to churches in lots of places–sometimes because they’re not givers, but sometimes because they give elsewhere to places of more need. You seem to be seeing this as a measure of the congregation in some way that I’m not clear on, and I don’t understand the linkage between the church’s importance to you and the money it brings in. Can you explain more? I

      You didn’t mention whether you’d be looking for another church or not, but a new church isn’t likely to have a different financial picture. If you do want to leave your church, though, that’s your prerogative, regardless of what it means financially for the place.

    5. Asenath*

      I try to ignore what other people give. It’s hard to do, but I think a better approach than the one in the church I attended as a child (same denomination actually; times have changed) which used to put up a public list of just how much everyone has donated. I admit to some curiosity and speculation – I’m pretty certain at least one family, probably much richer than I am, gives a lot more than I do, and I know that many, many individuals and families only set foot in the place and therefore only donate when someone connected to them is getting married or buried. And, yeah, we got financial problems; less serious perhaps than some of the other churches in our area but more serious than most outside people assume. About all we do about it is to encourage contributions to the various charitable activities we support as well as to the costs of running the building, and as an educational process, provide financial statements annually to any member who wants to grab one as they leave a service or as they arrive for the annual meeting to discuss them, and require anyone elected to the committee that helps run the place to attend AND donate regularly, with no specified sum that has to be donated, so as not to eliminate the poorer members from membership in said committee. I think the decline in donations is inevitable. Most of our regular donors are elderly, with limited resources. Most of the younger people associated with the place know little or nothing about the cost of running it and don’t have the same commitment to financial support – or any other kind, see what I said about weddings and funerals – or have left organized religion entirely. They aren’t there to replace older members who are dying off. If I leave, it won’t be because of the lack of financial support. I accept that it is what it is. There are plans to combine similar churches and close some of their buildings to save money and reduce the overhead, creating more sustainable groups with enough left over from the overhead to carry out more of the charitable activities which are even more important than the buildings. But that’s a really rough road to travel because people who are participating members tend to be closely tied to their church, regardless of how hard it is to make ends meet and still have resources to provide to others.

    6. RagingADHD*

      Remember, the church isn’t a museum of saints but a hospital for sinners. Also, that we all have areas where our faith and obedience are strong, and areas where they are weak, because the process of sanctification isn’t linear and organic growth is messy. Jesus talked more about the human heart’s struggle with money than nearly any other struggle.

      It sounds like people are worshipping and serving even if they aren’t giving. That shows a sincerity of committment. If there are no other issues that would lead you to believe that the church as a whole is on the wrong track theologically or behaviorally in a toxic way, I’d encourage you not to leave over something like this.

      I know it is disillusioning to find out that people are not walking their faith in the way you expected, but take it as an opportunity to do some self-examination and to engage with your fellowship on another level.

      For example, what do you believe about the roles of behavior and of faith in the spiritual life? Is total consistency in behavior a prerequisite or litmus test for sincere faith?

      What areas in your spiritual life would you be uncomfortable having people at church find out about, or that don’t represent your witness as you might like?

      What virtues do you see other church members walking out, that you could learn from?

      Have there been times when you feel someone at church picked up slack for you, practically or spiritually? And if not, are you being vulnerable and transparent enough for them to do so?

      Could this gap be a call for you to step up and lead others? Is it in your heart to help lead a class or study on stewardship?

      Whatever happens, I hope you can separate faith in individual humans, or in a particular church organization, from faith in God. As I tell my kids, the fact that some people add 2+2 and get 5 doesn’t mean that math itself is inherently flawed.

      Best wishes to you and your church.

    7. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I am going to respectfully disagree with commenters saying that members may not be giving to the church because there are different causes they want to support.
      By joining and being an active member of a church, you have a social and spiritual obligation to financially support the church. Utilities need to be paid and so does the minister and other staff.
      Many churches require a tithe for this reason.

      1. fposte*

        But both these things can be true. You can think people have an obligation to support the church, and they can think they have more obligation to support poor cousins, or Ukraine.

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        I mean, maybe that’s why the church’s membership is dwindling? If people want their money to go elsewhere or don’t have the money to spare, and membership requires money, it makes sense that they’d choose to stop contributing/participating at all. OP does offer financial support and is still thinking of leaving this community, why would people who are looked down on for not giving enough want to stay?

    8. Anon for this one*

      I feel your pain and don’t agree with most of the other commenters! It does matter that a lot of people aren’t giving at all when you are making sacrifices of your money and time to what you feel is your community! I’d be distressed too. It feels unfair and like you’re being taken advantage of by others. Of course people can have reasons but being a committed member means also contributing what you can. It just does. There might be a few people who can’t contribute at all but in a middle class community like you describe that should be fairly rare. Many of these people are just not doing it. So what do you do? First – it’s okay to feel the way you do and be disappointed. Second – do speak with the pastor and share your concern. There is probably some insight they have and some things that can be done. Third- remember it’s not your problem to solve. Fourth – don’t make a rash decision about leaving your community but if you do decide to change something, you should absolutely not feel guilty that you are taking away some income. It’s not your problem to solve. Good luck and take care of you!

      1. HBJ*

        STRONGLY disagree. Do not speak with the pastor. Churches should have a firewall between giving records and the pastor to ensure fair treatment for all.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Complaint, no. Conversation, sure.

          I don’t think speaking about individuals is appropriate, but it is normal for the pastor to be aware of overall admin/financial issues about the level of giving, and any concerns the council may have raised about how to cover the operating budget, etc. The pastor may in fact be able to reassure the commenter that giving levels are within expected ranges, that there are plans in the works to address the financials in some way, etc.

    9. KatEnigma*

      Never, ever, look at who is giving, what. That way lies insanity. I say this as someone who is 7 months off 2 Vestry terms only separated by a year, in 2 different Diocese. You will recognize my secret code for knowing what you are talking about. ;) (Or ECLA) Maybe it helps that I am “cradle” and it was hinted that my working class parents very pledging more than the members who owned jets. But, we are asked to “prayerfully consider” what we can give- not others’. I have unfortunately learned that fully 10% of members in 2 churches I attended give nothing. One church solved the problem, by a very rich older person offering to match the Year’s pledges. Obviously people didn’t maintain that amount, but it was still an overall improvement the next 2 years, even through Covid. The other church used a program that increased pledges by 4%. It did nothing to make people contribute who don’t. Nothing does. Apparently it’s more common than I ever thought. Since I would have thought nobody or close to nobody!

      Current doesn’t publish how many give $0. In generally, they seem pretty functional but you don’t dig that deep to see until you join the vestry. So I have learned. What they do that is different, however, is make it easy to watch live stream AND receive monies that way. That the giver can control without call the church admin and asking her to cancel or adjust it – that I tried to rail against in 2 churches and 2 States and was given blank looks about how could I object to “just calling Carol” to control what funds come out of my bank account…. Shockingly, rarely anyone used it, despite assurances that no one objected to it! Here, people use direct deposit! Make it easier to give, even if you have to ask for a cumulative line item in the budget for the service fee- people will pay it! Encourage those who don’t give- volunteer to give the talk during Stewardship and tell them how you struggled because so many give nothing. And give the amount, for yourself, you can afford .

    10. Generic Name*

      Gosh. I’m taken aback at your stance. You said that you tithed even money was tight. That was personal a choice you made. Good for you. Isn’t giving to a church just that? A gift? If everyone had to do it, it would be a tax, no? Maybe give the job to someone who can do it without being judgmental. I’m not a churchgoer, so please forgive me if I misquote, but isn’t something Christians are supposed to live by is, “Judge not, lest ye be judged”?

      1. KatEnigma*

        Would you attend a charity event every week and never throw $20 in the donation box? Would you go to sponsored Holiday meals? Would you except your kid go to a kids club there? Would you expect their “naming service” with a party at birth and their funeral at death for FREE, and their wedding at a deep discount (sometimes you get just the officiant for free, sometimes up to the musicians and building) ? Would you go every single week and consume, consume, consume and complain when things are precisely your way, and expect to never kick in money for any of it, because the charity isn’t supposed to keep out anyone who legitimately can’t afford to contribute, rather than choose to take advantage of every benefit while still giving their money nowhere or elsewhere??? Try that at Red Cross and they would toss you out on your ear. People do it to churches every day, but ZOMG let someone suggest it makes them mad.

        If you don’t support a charity because you choose not to, stop attending their events.

        1. Newbie*

          I started attending services virtually with a church 1000 miles away during COVID. To be honest, I only watched at first because the building is notable and I wanted to see what the inside looked like. BUT – they were like your church in theology and was an amazing environment. I forgot that church could be like that – a calming place that inspired me to do better. I contributed from afar, as I was partaking in services.
          Like your church and many other progressive congregations, it was having financial difficulties. Its most well-off/benefactor members died several years ago and their children no longer live in that area. It also had difficulty attracting new members (outreach costs money). They were outspokenly LGBTQ+ friendly in a very conservative area. The church closed earlier this summer and the congregation disbanded. While they were excellent stewards of their resources as far as I can tell, there simply wasn’t enough to keep going. I hope your congregation finds a way through.

          1. KatEnigma*

            Google for “St Paul’s Katy” if you’re looking for similar in the Houston Metro area. You’ll never see me- I am upstairs in the choir loft where the cameras don’t pan. Our priest says all visitors we’ve gotten (except me- I have to feel the temperature of the church. Not ALL are made alike, and you will find both super liberals in North Dakota and super “no LGBTQ welcome” in Chicago. ) have found us via web and if they can’t then visit in person, they are visiting virtually permanently from far away. Our Priest was away last week, but the supply priest was an activist (and priest) who had run for political party in Texas, soo.. LOL

        2. Not So NewReader*

          I can’t tell if you are the OP or not so I will just use a straight read.

          I will stand by this is a leadership problem.
          Donation boxes can be placed in easy access at events with a reminder sign.
          Holiday meals can require a donation at sign up time.
          Parents can make a donation when registering for kids club.
          Naming services and funerals can require a donation of some sort.
          Weddings- people can be told that the officiant should be given something.
          It’s up to the leaders to get the people to understand these things cost money.

          “If you don’t support a charity because you choose not to, stop attending their events.”
          People are doing this already as they are leaving churches in droves. Is that the a good result????

          Your level of anger is concerning. I’d recommend the same thing as above, and that is stepping back and back until you can find some rest from the anger.

          1. KatEnigma*

            All of those things you say “can” be added are NOT added at churches, unlike at charity events “because that’s not Christian” because to do that is considered against the poor.

            But I’m not angry at the ones who consume a product they don’t take part about. I’m angry at those who are aghast and angry and judgemental at church members for objecting to the set up. And why aren’t we allowed to feel our feelings about that without being called names again?

          2. Observer*

            How do you know if any of this is happening – or NOT happening. Keep in mind that the OP specifies that cash donations are not in this report. Is it possible, for instance that there are people who are donating cash on a regular basis, and that’s not showing up in this “report”?

        4. Observer*

          How do you know that the people who are getting specific services are not paying for those services?

          For one thing, often when people pay for services that a church (or synagogue) provides, it doesn’t show up in the “giving” report. With software like this? Almost certainly not there.

        5. Irish Teacher*

          I think the difference between a church and a charity is that some religions require attendance at church – the Catholic church considers attending weekly Mass to be an “obligation” and some religions interpret “keep holy the Sabbath day” as “go to church that day.” So I do see a problem with “you are obliged to attend according to God’s rule and since you are attending, you should give us money.”

          I do get the use the services = contribute if you can logic, but I don’t think anybody should know who is contributing and who isn’t or that people should be pressurised into contributing possibly more than they can afford. My church passes around a basket, so there is no way of knowing who gives what. When Ireland changed to the euro, they DID ask people to give €2 a week if they could afford to, because they were concerned that people who gave £1 would instead give €1, which was only worth 78cents and they would be down a fifth of their income, but that is the only pressure ever put on people.

          I do contribute, for the reason you have said, that I am using the facilities. If I am giving “paper money” – €5 or more – often keep my hand closed over it when putting it in, so nobody sees and feels pressurised to put in a similar amount.

        6. Generic Name*

          No. I do not attend church, nor do I benefit from charity events that I attend regularly (and don’t pay for- but isn’t that what charity is??). Not sure of this was meant to be a reply directly to me?

      2. RagingADHD*

        In Christianity, tithing is a spiritual discipline. There is no requirement that it all go to the same place, and there are differences in interpretation as to whether it should be a literal ten percent or just a regular amount. But committing to give a portion of what you have is part of manifesting your faith in practical actions.

        In addition, becoming a formal member of a particular church carries both rights (like voting on congregational decisions) and responsibilities (like serving and tithing). These are not fees-for-service, but relational obligations of the same order as family members doing chores, or friends picking up their share of the lunch tab. People may contribute in different ways, but everyone should be contributing to the overall experience of this group project.

        The problem is, when you have legal obligations like utility bills and payroll depending on relational obligations, things can get tense if members aren’t pulling their weight. (Just like if your lunch tab always comes up short, or the same person always seems to wind up stuck with the chores).

        Sometimes what needs to happen is an open conversation about whether the church has overcommitted to expenses they can’t sustain. A well-run church should have regular congregational meetings where the members review and approve the budget together. Obviously it wouldn’t include an accounting of who gives what, but it would include a comprehensive look at overall income, expenses, and long-term planning for staff, programs, the building, etc.

        This kind of transparency tends to improve giving, because members can see where the needs are and have confidence that the money is being handled well.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      I love Raging ADHD’s answer. Mine isn’t so well done.

      Churches everywhere are in crisis. Donations and memberships are falling.

      I am not sure how what is happening in a man-made institution is impacting your faith.
      Do you see God in the money people give to your church? Is that your only yardstick?

      Yes, it costs money to run a church and it’s up to the leaders of the church to figure out what to do. And there are so many things to do.

      1) Publish and distribute financial statements each quarter.
      2) Have fund drives for special projects.
      3) A church here has work crews twice a year. The crews clean, paint, and do other jobs. Usually these are tasks that take a few hours. Coffee and donuts are provided.
      4) Have an annual meeting, part of which is dedicated to reviewing the year’s financials as well as goals for the near future. This can be done after service, offer coffee/cold soda/other beverage and some cookies.
      5) Ask for specific things, such as printers, comfy chairs, and so on. People will jump at a specific request.
      6)Leadership can go line item by line item and figure out how to reduce expenses. Our church put in water saver toilets, things to conserve lighting costs and many other ideas.

      In my thinking this is not a people problem, it’s a leadership problem. Leaders know the finances are tanking. They must not be talking about it much because you were surprised when you saw the financials. It’s up to them to steer the ship.

      As far as the lack of donations causing your faith to tank, that is a huge leap in logic. Jesus made out just fine without donations, fund raising and big fancy buildings. See, faith happens inside us, and NOT in a man-made building.

      And my last thing is not so good. I left the church I grew up in because certain families ruled the roost. It was based on the amount of money they gave and it drove other people out. You are on a slippery slope if you keep going with this thinking you have here. It will cause you to leave if you keep thinking along these lines- you’ll find yourself painted into a corner that you can’t get out of.

      In direct answer to your question about what the church will do without your family, the church will have to put on their adult pants and figure out how to solve that problem. It’s not up to any one person or family to save an entire institution.
      For your own peace of mind, you may have to stop handling the financials so you can focus on your faith more.

      1. KatEnigma*

        The Treasurer in ND distributed statements every quarter. She sent out something like 88 to people WITH email who verified those were the correct emails (by someone last summer call EVERY SINGLE PERSON and verifying) and cut out like 20+whose info we couldn’t verify, and 6 who insisted on paper statements- 2 of which wouldn’t even allow to to put their names in our database. Would you like to know how many were opening those statements every quarter? 2 – because I felt sorry for her and opened mine. The other person poured over it to question every dime and report us to the Diocese for every questionable dime. The annual statements were opened 10 times- likely the few who can still itemize. I have done and seen everything else work (except we had a heck of a time getting quorum for an annual meeting- real food, not even cookies were alluring enough!) but even VESTRY members whined at being expected to read the monthly reports, and why did they have to, they trusted the Treasurer, and on and on. No one, even the people legally responsible to doing so, want to read the finances.

        I once noted at $20K discrepancy in some endowments that I didn’t allow them just sweep under the carpet (I was new to the city and not afraid to ask.) It WAS a case of monies that were spent and not recorded as they were able to verify the transactions mentioned in minutes over the course of 40 years- no exaggeration, thankfully they don’t adhere to gov’t record requirements- and it took them 3 years to track it all down!!!! The former Treasurer is my friend and told me the results after we moved out of State. YES, we were paying for the “full audit” every 3 years and the “quick” audit the other 2 of 3 as mandated by our Dioceses by independent contractors THEY had chosen to prevent misfeasance, who had rubber stamped it for decades! (But never removed it from the tallies the account was supposed to have!!!) And yet, it took me being not afraid to ask “why don’t these two columns add up?” by $20K for anyone to notice…

    12. The Person from the Resume*

      I am extremely confused by your reaction. How does the fact that other members aren’t donating impact your faith and your desire to stay?

      If you’re happy with the church, what you get out of it, and your own contributions, why would the failures of other members mean you want to leave? I’d understand being mad at them and wanting to call them out (which you cannot/should not do), but I don’t understand your reaction.

      I think the answer is to (1) try everything to forget what you saw (2) get involved with the people on fundraising committee.

      I don’t know if a person has a responsibility to tithe, but they should contribute to the running of the church, congregation, salary for priest and the secretary and treasurer if they are paid, and for the software the LW uses. If someone participates regularly in a congregation, they do have an obligation to help fund what the services they are taking advantage of cause it’s not actually free.

      But my fellow congregants are freeloaders means you should lose faith in them but not on your God.

    14. Not an Accountant*

      When I was in junior high and high school, I counted our church collection once a month. Other teens worked other weeks, but our pastor picked kids because he knew we wouldn’t gossip or judge. We certainly didn’t care who gave what (although the lady who thoroughly taped her coins inside the envelope annoyed us all a great deal! Her we talked about, but only among ourselves and only referring to her as “Tape.”)
      Adults do the counting now, and I know them, and I give my donation in cash in a blank envelope. Because they’re a bunch of do-gooding vicious cats. One approached me about (apparent) my lack of donation, since my kid goes to private school, and she asked “very nicely” how we could afford the tuition. She didn’t add “since you don’t support the church,” but I could hear it. (My response was Miss Manners approved, mostly because she wouldn’t have understood the words I wanted to use anyway.)

    15. Westsidestory*

      I have seen none of little discussion about “non-monetary” donations people often give to their house of worship. Many do this because they do not have a lot of money to spare. If you are in the mind to keep score, are you counting this? In my experience (mixed marriage so Christian church AND synagogue) the many tasks that keep things humming (lectors, singing, cleaning, doing the flowers, managing the oneg/coffee hours, food pantry, home visits, etc. are done by free labor. And I’m just scraping the surface of volunteerism common in these organizations. Consider everyone’s time spent at your own current hourly rate and you may find yours is a richer parish – in the things that count.

    16. Observer*

      I’m not sure I understand your question. Why would you leave a Church you support because other people don’t support it or support it as well as they should?

      If you really want to help them out with finances, maybe you could work with them on getting better software (because with better information and better ACCESS to that information, you can make better decisions and you have better tools to take other steps.) And then work with a fundraising committee on ways to raise money.

      PS. Given the information you have, you have no idea of who does or does not give withing their means.

      1. Observer*

        To expand on my PS (some of which is covered in other comments, including by other people.)

        You have no idea what people’s finances look like – people living in big houses in a middle class neighborhood can be strapped for money and often are.

        You don’t have a clue of who is giving yearly gifts and that can be significant.

        You don’t have a record of cash donations. Do you even know what percentage of donations come in as cash?

        Does your software include “in-kind” donations and volunteering? I’m guessing, no. But if someone is spending a couple hours a week doing stuff for the Church, that’s real support. If they paid for something the Church needed, I’d be willing to bet it would not show up in your report, but that can be quite significant.

        All of which is to explain some of the many ways your information falls short.

    17. Ginger Pet Lady*

      I understand why this is challenging for you. You thought you were participating in a community where everyone contributed, and that vision has been shattered by learning that others are not contributing the way you are, and that you’re carrying a much heavier load because of that.
      It sounds like maybe it isn’t your faith in god that’s strained, but your faith in the community itself.
      I don’t have any great suggestions for you, but I wanted to say that because so many people are not seeing the struggle you have, and are being dismissive.
      Church is often about community, belonging, and having others around you who work together towards god. Losing that aspect can be really hard!

    18. NotMyUsualUN*

      OP for this comment

      Thank you all for your insight and for taking your time to respond.

      I want to clarify that my crisis in faith is regarding the institutional church and not in Christianity in general.

      I have been a member of this particular congregation for 30 years and am active in both attendance and in service. Both my husband and myself have been members of the church board (aka as Vestry for our particular denomination) and I am currently on Vestry. I have seen the church slowly decline through the years with decreasing membership and financial stability. Our decline mirrors a nationwide decline in the past 60 years with mainstream Christian denominations. The first major decline came with allowing women as clergy and the second with allowing gay people as clergy and supporting gay marriage. (No, it was not my one anonymous judgemental comment on the internet that caused people to flee the church.) My particular parish took another big hit when the pastor very outspokenly responded to the anti-immigration efforts during the last president’s term (we are in a fairly conservative area.)

      It wears on my soul to see so many pews empty on Sunday and the financial situation weighs on my conscience. I want church to be place of refresh and renewal and not worry. Which is hard, when you are part of the leadership team and as such responsible.

      Another very difficult aspect is to see our liberal churches in decline where conservative churches are flourishing. I am sure there are reasons for this but I am genuinely do not understand why this is happening.

      I also want to reiterate that I did not go looking for this information but found it while helping others out. It is something that I have had access to for years but avoided on purpose as I don’t want to know who or how much other members give.

      1. Observer*

        the financial situation weighs on my conscience

        I can hear that. I wasn’t being snarky when I suggested that you upgrade the software in use, and that you then see if you can work with folks on better fundraising.

        Another question is what does communications and messaging look like? That can make a huge difference in both giving and attendance.

        Also, you clearly care about inclusion and diversity. But how does that play out in practice? Can non-English speaker function well in your congregation? What about people who do speak some English, but very much as a second language? How accessible are your facilities to people with a variety of physical handicaps?

        And a big one: What about family friendliness? A lot of families will drop out if their kids hate coming to services. Even more will drop out if it’s just hard to bring them. And they certainly are not contributing.

        You are obviously not responsible for all of these issues. But if you want to see if you can turn things around, look at these issues and choose one or two to focus on, working as much as you can with others.

  38. Suprisingly ADHD*

    Thank you to everyone who gave me advice about convincing my kitten Misty to eat last weekend! She nibbled all week, I’m pretty sure the advice I got here is the only reason she ate anything! She’s so skinny, but I have some good news!

    First, we found a type of wet food she REALLY likes. It’s more expensive but she ate half a can in the last 12 hours, where she didn’t eat that much of the other foods in 2 days. Plus, she will drink water a drop at a time off my mom’s finger so she’s getting a little of the liquid she would miss from the formula (that she won’t eat). The nutrient paste someone recommended last week should arrive today too, along with a cat-safe heating pad for overnights (our house gets COLD at night from fall till march, and she’s still itty-bitty).

    Second, our vet is awesome, he prescribed something to help with her diarrhea and calculated the dose himself for me to pick up in less than an hour! (apparently pharmacies don’t carry “tiny kitten dosage” for medicine). She has made a solid BM for the first time in a week. We are also treating an eye infection, and bathing/brushing for fleas (she is too young for any flea treatment, so it’s Dawn only for now).

    Third, she’s finally starting to play again now that she has some energy from food! Her favorite is still the string, but she also really likes the old cardboard scratching thing that we disassembled after our other cat shredded it. She’s small enough that it’s actually a tunnel if we lay it on the ground, and she likes climbing it too!

    Speaking of climbing, Misty is a shoulder cat! If she’s being held, she will claw her way up the shirt to tuck under the neck or perch on the shoulder. She watches movies like that, and will also cling while being carried around the house! She finally found her voice, too! She will now squeak loud enough to wake me up at night when she needs something, so I’m no longer relying on multiple alarms to go check on her.

    And finally, our adult cat really likes her! He is skeptical of letting her actually touch him, but he likes sniffing her and watching her. If she is squeaking for attention and I don’t come get her (like because I just put her in her tent so I can do the dishes), the adult will come get me and do his “something is wrong” dance until I tell him the kitten is ok!

    Thank you again for all your advice, it was a lot more specific than what I could find online on my own!

    2. Grey Panther*

      Well done, Surprisingly ADHD. This kitten has obviously found exactly the right home. Also, I love the image of your senior cat doing a “Human! Help is needed!” dance.

      1. Suprisingly ADHD*

        Thanks! Our older cat has perfected the “follow me!” act, he usually uses it to ask for sink water (he has 2 bowls and a fountain but the sink is better), or when he wants to be petted!

    5. RagingADHD*

      Oh, wonderful! It sounds like she has turned a corner. Bless you for putting in the effort, Misty sounds like such a sweetie!

      1. Suprisingly ADHD*

        She is a sweetie! We’re excited to see her personality show now that she has some more energy!

    6. Sundial*

      If she’s as young as she sounds here, she is likely enjoying physical contact with you because she’s not yet able to fully regulate her own body temperature. Holding her close to your heartbeat (chest or neck) will warm her and comfort her.

      1. Suprisingly ADHD*

        She loves being held, and we do so as much as we can! Babies need to be held! I’ve got a cat-safe heat pad on the way, I’m worried about her teething on the microwave hot pack I’ve been using. I’m so glad she’s started crying at night, I can’t help her if I don’t know something is wrong.

    7. ShinyPenny*

      This was the good news I needed this morning! Thanks for sharing the happy update with all the cheerful details :)

    8. Cat and dog fosterer*

      I’m so happy for you! There is no better feeling that the relief when a kitten starts to feel better and you aren’t constantly worried about an imminent decline in health.

      About the expensive food: I try to remember that it’s only for a short time, until she’s gained weight and becomes more interested in other foods. It ends up being cheaper than having to visit the vet for fluids or the stress of force-feeding them. It can be painful when you think to yourself that she could be eating something much cheaper, but at least it’s for a week or three and not the rest of her life!

      Thank you so much for the update. She’s very lucky to have been found by you. It has been a hard year for rescue and this type of good news really fills the heart.

    10. Suprisingly ADHD*

      So I’m very happy to be able to ask this, but is there a limit to how much a kitten should eat? Is it ok to let her eat as much as she wants? Especially given that shes painfully thin, I’m inclined to let her eat whenever she wants.

      1. Mazey's Mom*

        Go with your gut and let her eat as much as she’ll take. Once she gets on track you can always restrict her intake, if you’re worried about her weight, but kittens needs more calories than an adult cat. I would be careful to watch that she’s not eating too fast because then she’ll throw up, so if that happens, feed her small meals throughout the day. You’re doing great, Mom!

      2. Cat and dog fosterer*

        Smaller frequent meals for a few days. I usually feed kittens 3 meals of unlimited wet food at that age, but for her I would feed a smaller amount every few hours but not overnight because you need to sleep! It’s hard to say how much each time because it depends on the size of the can and kitten, but maybe 1/4 of a regular Friskies-sized can? You don’t want her tummy to look too full. After a day or two she should calm down her eating.

  39. Anonymous for this*

    This isn’t asking for medical advice but about experiences. My husband has bipolar II that just lives in depression and ADHD. His depression is severe probably 4-5 months a year and moderate the rest of the time. He’s almost never not depressed. He’s medicated but it just prevents total catatonia, it doesn’t actually provide much relief.

    He’s made an appointment for ketamine therapy. He has his first appointment in 2 weeks.

    1) if you’ve had this therapy, can you share your experience? Anything you wish you had known? And if you have/has a partner what you needed from them?

    2) if your partner has had this therapy, can you share your experience as their partner?

    3) Bonus question: we’re going to self-pay, because we have Kaiser and the fight to get it covered is just not something we can take on. But if you have any experience getting less standard mental health treatment covered or provided by Kaiser, I’d love to head about it.

    I’m nervous because I wish he had an actual care team guiding his treatment, but that is just not on the table right now.

    1. Virtual Light*

      Author Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess) did Ketamine treatment for her treatment-resistant depression and blogged about her experience; this would be easy to google. Maybe a place to start?

      Sending you both good vibes for this experience.

    3. KatEnigma*

      Since we had Kaiser, we did 2 stints with UHC (neither of them bottom of the barrel, but one definitely more coverage) and the Fortune 100 company (top 5 Defense in the world) who made Anthem BCBC write them their own policies. I lived in major Metro to larger but not mega metro to BFE…

      Kaiser is THE worst.

    4. SeaMarie*

      A family member has had ketamine treatments for about one year. It was not the instant cure some people have posted about on various forums, but it has helped his anxiety/depression to a manageable level. So for him, not a cure–but so much better.

      He also has Kaiser and self pays. He requests what his clinic calls a “super bill” and he submits it to Kaiser himself through their website. Kaiser does not pay all but does pay about $250 per treatment based on some sort of medical reasoning. It sure beats getting nothing!

      Recent research suggests ketamine magnifies emotion, so it’s best to be in as good a place as possible before treatment. Try to be as calm and relaxed as possible and hopeful of positive outcome. That gets easier after the expected nervousness of the first treatment. Good luck!

    5. mreasy*

      Hello,
      I received IV ketamine treatments for my treatment resistant depression & anxiety (I was previously misdiagnosed as bipolar 2 in fact). I also paid my own way, but I had an FSA which helped. They had me do 3 treatments a week for several weeks, then “boosters” as needed. I continued on about a monthly dose for a year. It helped lift my mood and allowed me to be a lot more functional on average. My panic and depressive episodes were alleviated but not to a safe point, so I ended up getting TMS a year ago, and it has been the most powerful help I have found. I do have a friend with Kaiser who is working on getting TMS approved, but it sounds like she will have to jump through a lot of hoops first. Ketamine is known to be quite safe and the “trip” aspect is not scary at all. I know many people who have had life-changing results from it. Good luck!

    4. Cruciatus*

      Just sent you a friend request! My game name is similar to this one here. You’ll probably find the game a bit different than you left it if it’s been years!

  41. Mystic*

    I just started learning to draw and I’ve been drawing dinosaurs and it’s been awesome finding a new hobby? And it’s also kinda unblocked my writers block too, which is cool

  42. Concerts and Flashing Lights*

    Flashing lights give me migraines, and have since my early twenties. I have to avoid them at all costs.
    Which means I can never go to concerts (even the *symphony* in my town uses flashing lights on occasion, as I learned the hard way!)
    I’m old, and I’ve kind of gotten used to the fact that I’ll never be able to see live music.
    But my teen has gotten into a band that I also really like, and they’re coming to town in about 3 months, and tickets are actually affordable.
    She asked to go with me! What teen wants to go see a band WITH THEIR MOM? Mine, apparently! I was pretty happy about that. I try hard to cultivate shared interests with my teens so that inevitable friction over rules and chores doesn’t completely disconnect us, and so this was a good sign with her.
    But I had to say no because I probably wouldn’t even make it through the show. I also cannot afford to lose 2-3 days to a migraine. I’m a business owner, a one-woman show, and my workload and deadlines are pretty tight the rest of the year.
    Which sucks. She knows about my issue, just didn’t realize live music would have flashing lights since she hasn’t yet been to a concert outside of her middle school choir concerts.
    Why do flashing lights (and sweeping spotlights across the crowd, which is the same thing as flashing when it crosses your line of vision!) have to be at every. single. live. music. event?

      1. Concerts and Flashing Lights*

        Doesn’t seem wise, safety wise, to obviously not be able to see my surroundings.

        1. WellRed*

          Obvious to whom? Other concertgoers who likely aren’t paying attention to you? If you thought you could do this as long as it’s safe: get to your seat, then put on eye protection possibly covered by sunglasses so it’s not noticeable to others. Stay seated. Enjoy music then wait till lights come in to safely exit. Bring another trusted adult to sit on your other side. Not saying this will work but if it might, I’d not dismiss it out of hand. Your teenage daughter invited you!

            1. Patty Mayonnaise*

              Can you stand in the back, out of the way, so you can wear your eye protection and not get bumped into? Better yet, can you contact the venue and find out if they can accommodate you with a seat/other solution?

              2. HipsandMakers*

                I third this suggestion. One of my favorite local venues is mainly standing room, but has a few seats for VIPs/guests on the upper level, and will also bring a seat to the corner of the upper level for someone who requests accommodations. I once twisted my ankle on the day of the show, called the venue, and they arranged a seat for me and told me to ask for it when I arrived. (I sadly couldn’t use it, because my ankle got worse and I needed to go to urgent care, but it was clear that they were used to taking that sort of request.)

                Please call the venue, explain that you need to sit so that you can fully cover your eyes, and see what they can do for you.

    2. Ellie*

      Have you ever tried special eyewear? Maybe once the show starts, put on the light blocking eyewear or eye covering, and enjoy the music by listening?

      1. Concerts and Flashing Lights*

        Yes, I have pretty strong sunglasses with side protection that I wear for daytime driving. But even those didn’t help me when I was involved (as a passenger) in a nighttime accident and there were flashing police cars, fire trucks and an ambulance there. So I suspect they wouldn’t help much at a concert.

    3. WellRed*

      I’m so sorry you deal with this! Is it possible to try a preventative dose of your medication (ask doctor of course).

    4. Suprisingly ADHD*

      This! I have a lot of migraine triggers but flashing lights are the worst. I’ve been to several concerts and the only one that didn’t give me a migraine was Meatloaf!

      Movie theaters are also pretty bad. I once got to go to am IMAX screening of 2001 a Space Oddessy, and had to go throw up during the stargate sequence. I wish there were some kind of accomodations.

      1. Concerts and Flashing Lights*

        Yep. I don’t often go to movies in the theaters, and never for action movies.

  43. Jackalope*

    It looks like our usual gaming thread person isn’t here, so here’s a gaming thread. What games are you playing this week? Any recommendations or requests for recommendations? As always, this is for any kind of game – video, board, card, RPG, etc.

    I’ve spent most of the last week obsessed with Fire Emblem Warriors Three Hopes. I suppose that isn’t odd since I was obsessed with its predecessor too, but I’m having fun with it. Last night I was finally able to recruit one of my favorite characters (Shamir), and even though I thought the recruiting was a bit implausible I’m still excited to have her in my party. I’ve also continued with the D&D game I’m running. The exciting bit is that a good friend just joined our group and so this week was her first “episode”. On the other hand, we are about to tie up an important mini quest and I’m trying to figure out how to give the group other possible threads to pursue for the next adventure.

    1. cubone*

      I started playing Jedi Fallen Order and I am obsessed. I normally don’t like this type of game (“souls type”, punishingly hard, timing and intention to the combat – let me button mash lol) but the visuals are really beautiful and the story is so good. It’s making up for how lacklustre I found the whole new sequel trilogy, feels like it has 10x the heart and soul of Star Wars than any of those films ever did. Just a really fun game all around!

    2. Suprisingly ADHD*

      I went back amd started playing Bastion again! It’s one of about 5 games I’ve 100%-ed, and the ONLY game I’ve 100%-ed more than once!

    3. Loredena*

      My weekly gaming group is in sophomore year of East Texas University which is quasi horror. It’s been interesting trying to get into the college age mindset as we are all in the 40s and 50s

      I’m still playing Stardew Valley as my computer game for now.

    4. Liane*

      I am getting ready to run a gig for Cyberpunk RED on a Discord server connected to a podcast for the game. Wish me luck.

    5. Porch Screens*

      I finished up my fourth and final run through Triangle Strategy a few days ago – while the first three endings are all interesting in their own way, Golden Route Ending was *so* satisfying after having seen the other ways the game plays out.

      Just started up Hollow Knight the other day and I’m really enjoying it, despite my experience with platformers being limited to Mario games.

      Looking to (re)start the Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous cRPG once the Enhanced Edition goes live at the end of the month!

      1. Jackalope*

        What did you think of Triangle Strategy? My husband started it and encouraged me to try it but then he sort of lost interest. As I mentioned earlier, I’m currently obsessed with another game but have thought about picking up TS once I’m done with that one.

        1. Porch Screens*

          I enjoyed it, though it did take a little getting used to. It’s much more of a ‘low’ fantasy setting than something like Final Fantasy Tactics and the story focus is primarily on geopolitical shenanigans rather than some fantastical world-ending threat. While each unit is unique and has their own (mostly) unique set of moves, there are no job classes and your units get stronger primarily by just leveling them up and upgrading their weapons. The music is lovely and I actually enjoyed the story and the different battles that can take place depending on the choices you make. If you’re on the fence about it, I believe the demo is free to download and goes through the first 5 chapters or so – and if you purchase the full game, you can import your save from the demo and keep going.

          There’s also a lot of dialogue and some pretty lengthy gaps between battles, especially early on. It does eventually pick up the pace, though.

    6. MEH Squared*

      I’m playing Stray by BlueTwelve Studio. It’s a game in which you play a cat who is separated from her friends and you have to find your way back to those friends. It’s a beautiful game, and I’m really enjoying the atmosphere, graphics, and being a cat. However, I’m struggling with the actual gameplay because you have to mash B (Xbox One) to get away from the Zurks (which are like Zerglings). Also, I have spatial issues, so I have difficulty knowing where to jump.

      It’s the former, though, that is making it nearly impossible for me to finish the game. I cannot press B fast enough for the game, no matter how hard I try. It’s just not possible. I wish they had made it so you could just hold down B instead of having to mash it.

      I’m hoping to finish the game, but if there is one more Zergling Rush I have to avoid, I’m done.

    7. SparklingBlue*

      Pre-ordered Pokemon Scarlet as a birthday gift for me, and got into Clubhouse 51 games–currently bouncing between mahjong and hanafuda.

  44. Sundial*

    Does anyone use a firestick, Roku, etc., and what made you choose the item/brand you chose?

    My smart TV works fine, but is aging out of direct UI support for several apps I use regularly, so I’m trying to decide how to mitigate without overspending. The options are a bit overwhelming.

    1. RagingADHD*

      We use a Roku because it was affordable and platform-agnostic. We didn’t want to be beholden to a preferred platform like FireStick is to Amazon. We also don’t trust or want anything voice activated from a large corporation with sketchy privacy practices.

      It just works well and does everything we want without paying for a bunch of stuff we don’t want, or locking us into a single tech ecosystem.

      2. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

        Same, totally happy with our Roku except a minor issue that it seems to consume the remote batteries awfully quickly (2 AAAs).

        1. Doctors Whom*

          We have discovered that pumping sound through the remote, or even leaving headphones attached to the remote when it’s not in use, drains the batteries. But otherwise they seem to last. We switched everything over to rechargeables some time back and always make sure there’s at least one batch of AAA charging in one of the chargers.

      3. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

        Another Roku vote.

        Technically, we could have used our BluRay player, as it had apps for various services. But I wanted some other services, and this way, I could keep the BR off the network. Only problem is, of course, one more remote to keep track of.

      4. Jay*

        Same here. We have Roku sticks on our two TVs at home and my kid has a Roku TV she bought at Target. We have all the streaming service/apps we want, everything works, and we don’t have to deal with Alexa or her ilk.

      5. slashgirl*

        Another vote here for Roku–got my mum a Roku a couple years ago because she’d subbed to the Gaia network but didn’t want to watch it on her computer–she’s gonna to be 73 this year. She learned how to use it very easily (after I set it up for her). She’s got a couple subscription channels and uses my prime account…. In fact, she got rid of her satellite tv system about a month ago because she wasn’t using it much, everything she wants to watch she can get via Roku/streaming.

        I’d avoid firestick just cus it’s Amazon (yes, I have a prime account…lol)

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      We just got a new TV, the same style our son has had in his apartment for the past year. I have really noticed that the interface is much smoother, in terms of the easy path also being the thing I want to do. I haven’t talked to it yet, but know that’s how my son and his friends communicate with theirs.

      Smart Fire TV Insignia Class F30 series LED 4K UHD. Presently under $300 on Amazon for a 50″.

    3. WellRed*

      Roku because my mom had the stick and wasn’t using it. It’s easy to set up and use. I get lots of variety to watch and often times can get a discount on a streaming channel like BritBox.

      1. WellRed*

        And yeah, don’t get anything that’s tied to Amazon or google for anything if you value freedom. Lesson learned with my mom’s fire tablet.

    4. CatCat*

      We got the Roku soundbar. It has all the apps and now I can understand what people on TV are saying without subtitles.

    5. Ali G*

      So we have both, not necessarily by choice. We have Prime, but a while back Amazon decided to no longer support the apps added to TVs, so we had to get a Fire Stick. It’s fine and we can use it on any TV, even the Roku. When we converted our screened in porch into an outdoor living room and were not going to add a Verizon box out there, we got a Roku. We use the Roku for Netflix, Sunday NFL Ticket and any other subs we have.

        1. KatEnigma*

          Since we had Kaiser, we did 2 stints with UHC (neither of them bottom of the barrel, but one definitely more coverage) and the Fortune 100 company (top 5 Defense in the world) who made Anthem BCBC write them their own policies. I lived in major Metro to larger but not mega metro to BFE…

          Kaiser is THE worst.

    6. Filosofickle*

      Roku because I asked on Buy Nothing for a streaming device and that’s what a neighbor gave me!

      It’s a super basic Roku express. Sometimes it gets finicky and has to be restarted a bunch but overall it’s easy to use and does what I need. It was a good intro to streaming and a few years later I’m ready to upgrade. I’m probably getting an Apple TV because my tech friends think Roku has terrible privacy/data practices. (But, honestly, the only thing it can snitch on me about is what I watch since I don’t connect my devices or even have a smart TV. )

    7. bratschegirl*

      We have a Roku 3, I think. It’s a square-ish thingy that connects to the TV with an HDMI cable and to our household Wi-Fi, with its own remote control. We use the Xfinity remote to tell the TV to tune to HDMI2 and then the Roku remote to decide which streaming service and which program within that. Our kid and their spouse had one and liked it, so we got one when a router upgrade bricked our previous Google Chromecast.

      Roku offers a huge number of channels. All the usual ones like Netflix and Hulu and HBO Max and Prime, but also niche ones we like including Met Opera, Marquee TV, and the Berlin Philharmonic’s Digital Concert Hall.

    8. EJ*

      I have used roku, fire stick and Google and the roku beat the others on every front. So easy and intuitive to use.

    9. The Person from the Resume*

      I’m very happy with Roku. I mostly watch Prime, Netflix, and HBOMax on Roku, but I have about 15 channels for the specific channels I get through DirectTV that I occasionally want to stream like ESPN+, PBS, etc.

      Rome is great but I agree the remote eats batteries really quickly. When that happens I just use the Roku remote app on my phone to control the system. Convenient that I don’t have to get up to find new batteries.

    10. No smart name ideas*

      Big fan of Apple TV
      It provides access to its own programming as well as Prime, Hulu, Netflix, Disney+, and Paramount+.
      Not mac dependent—just an easypeasey way to get our streaming services.

  45. cubone*

    A fashion question! I am going to a bachelorette in a month and have not been to one in ages. It’s an afternoon and evening agenda: cocktail bar, nice dinner, more bars, karaoke. I know the places were going and they’re hipster upscale, not like fancy but I feel like it needs to be a step up from jeans and a t shirt, but also not “club” wear (which I don’t own anyways). What would you wear to this?? My style has become so casual with COVID that anything like this is intimidating (I have fancy outfits for weddings but they’d be way too much for this).

    2. Sundial*

      My go-to outfit for something like this is a jumpsuit. It splits the difference between slacks and a dress, and you can use shoes/earrings to further tweak your vibe. Small hoops and flats take it casual, chandeliers and stilettos take it fancy.

      I own the Lulu’s Thinking Out Loud Backless Jumpsuit specifically, but there are more casual cuts out there as well.

      1. Sundial*

        ETA: hit submit too soon. Not so much a problem now, but in my younger years, I also liked a jumpsuit because it makes it more difficult for creeps to cop a feel. Wearing a skirt in a bar is a mistake I only made once.

    3. FashionablyEvil*

      I would probably let your accessories do most of the work here—dark wash jeans or slim black trousers and a shirt with a bit of visual interest (ruffles, fun sleeves, cool pattern, etc.) and then statement earrings or necklace, and a cute bag. (Leave the Fitbit/Apple watch at home.)

    5. HahaLala*

      Talk to the other girls going— plenty of bachelorette parties end up with themed dress codes. That might make your decision easier, or at least let you get comfortable knowing that you’ll match the rest of the group!

  46. Unexpected Visitors*

    One of my biggest pet peeves is someone dropping by unexpectedly unless it is my kids or grandkids. Some days I’m not fit to be seen if I’m not expecting anyone, especially if I’m having a lazy PJ day watching Netflix or working out in the garden. In those cases, I don’t answer the door. I basically hide (sad, but true!). Thankfully, most of our family and friends let us know if they’re planning to drop by. It gives us a chance to tidy up, get appropriately dressed for company, and get some treats for the visit. If someone hints at visiting, we usually say something like, “Let us know in advance so we can ensure we’re home. We’re on the go all the time.” It works for the most part. Some of my friends like to get surprise visits while others don’t. I remember my parents loving people dropping by when we were kids. I didn’t take after them. How about you? Do you like surprise visits? I’m curious if I’m in the minority on this.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My friends and family know I won’t even answer the door if I’m not expecting company or a delivery that requires a signature. Even my parents are not an exception to that.

    2. RagingADHD*

      I have a small cohort of neighborhood friends that I don’t mind drop-ins from. They are mostly holdovers from when all our kids were little and used to run back and forth between houses to play, or fellow gardeners who might swap produce or plant starts. We’ve all seen each other and each other’s houses in disarray, so it’s fine.

      Other folks, including my dad, I want at minimum a text or call to see if I’m free. Depending on the relationship – with some folks I’d only be comfortable with a prearranged visit with planning ahead.

    3. Sabine the Very Mean*

      I hate them and am of the school of thought that it is never okay and always rude to drop in unannounced and uninvited. I have a “welcome” mat at my front door that says, “Did you call first? Haha but seriously. Did you call first?” My doorbell is not hooked up because my introverted self can have my whole day ruined by the sound of the doorbell. I’ve had former friends come over and make eye contact with me through the window and I still didn’t answer the door. I categorize people who drop in with the people who invite themselves to family functions or invite strangers to dinner parties I’m hosting.

    4. Sundial*

      My husband has terrible insomnia that he cannot get under control, so family and friends know better than to show up and risk disrupting what precious little sleep he does get. We had JWs knock yesterday and I made it very clear that they were not welcome to return. I’m actually screwing around online now because I’m waiting for him to wake up so I can vacuum.

      1. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

        Along those lines, anyone have a recommendation for a good “No Soliciting” sign, that’s funny but gets the point across? Something of the lines of:

        NO SOLICITING
        * I’m not going to buy anything from you (unless you’re a Girl Scout selling cookies)
        * I don’t care how wonderful your religion is, I don’t want to hear about it.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Mine says

          “Delivery folks, please just leave our deliveries on the porch – between the security camera and the dogs I guarantee we know you’re here. Please do not ring the doorbell unless you legitimately need a signature, and do not knock under any circumstances.

          Everyone else, no soliciting – we’re set for windows, yard maintenance, religion, politics, and anything else you’re trying to share. Unless you’re under 14 and selling Thin Mints, please just move along and have a nice day.”

        2. VLookupsAreMyLife*

          Mine says…

          No Soliciting.
          Don’t ring the bell.
          Don’t make it weird.

          I love watching folks get halfway up my front walk, squint to read the sign, chuckle to themselves, then mosey on over to the neighbors’ house.

        3. KoiFeeder*

          Mine just says:
          “NO SOLICITING (girl scouts excepted, as the local sasquatch bears a fervent love for thin mints)”

          The local sasquatch being several of my relatives, who do indeed love thin mints.

    5. GoryDetails*

      I’m another in the “no surprises please” camp, though if it’s a close friend or family member I’d do my best to look welcoming. [Not that they generally stop by unannounced – I think all of my social circle is in the same general mind-set: please get in touch *before* coming by. I’ve even had a friend leave a bag of impromtu gifts or produce on my door without knocking, even though it was clear I was home; I appreciated that!]

      I’ve known people who are at the other end of the scale, not only welcoming random drop-ins but feeling a bit irked if people did NOT “just drop by”; in one case it wound up being friendship-ending because they pretty much demanded the whole drop-in-without-warning thing and I Did. Not. Want. To.

      In my time out west, I recognized a pattern among the ranch families, who lived several miles apart and a good half-hour’s-drive from the nearest town: they might stop by on impulse, to drop off some eggs or just for a visit, but they were always prepared to find nobody home or everyone hard at work. Joining in the chores was encouraged, but it was also OK to just do a quick “hello the house – anybody home?” and, if no reply ensued, continue on their way, no feelings bruised.

    6. Dark Macadamia*

      Nope, showing up uninvited feels aggressively rude and selfish to me. I have extended family who used to show up HOURS early for stuff. They’d always be like “oh, you don’t have to entertain us, we don’t mind!” as if the problem was worrying they’d feel poorly hosted rather than not wanting them invading our space when we wanted to be, you know, showering or relaxing or otherwise preparing for guests at the time we wanted them!

    7. cat socks*

      I don’t like surprise visits. But I don’t know that many people who would stop by unexpectedly. Sometimes my father-in-law will drop off stuff from his garden, but he just leaves it on the front porch.

      A couple of neighborhood kids have rung the door lately trying to sell stuff for fundraisers. My husband will talk to them through the doorbell, but I’ll just ignore them.

    8. ThatGirl*

      My friends/family never come by unannounced, they wouldn’t dream of it. One exception is a friend dropping off a surprise bottle of wine and chocolate after I got laid off, but it was 2 minutes. An actual visit would never come out of nowhere.

    9. Flowers*

      Here at home, I definitely don’t do surprise visits. But when visiting my parents home country, where the culture is very different, I would definitely need to be “prepared.”

      Honestly, the company wouldn’t irk me as much as just needing to get dressed. and not even something fancy, just throwing a pair of pants or a robe on can be too much sometimes.

    10. Aphrodite*

      I do and I don’t. Thanks to Covid, I have become a much more relaxed dressing-at-home person, favoring the look of my oversized tee shirts that look good but are not really for company as I use them for nightshirts. A pair of undies and I am good so other than a few good women friends no one else should drop in. On the other hand I don’t need much notice; it’s easy to put on a bra, shorts and maybe a necklace to be socially presentable. And I love to have people over!

    11. The Person from the Resume*

      I would be absolutely shocked by a surprise visit. That’s not something my family or my friends (a very different group than my family) does.

      Honestly, “you want me to drop whatever I’m doing and visit with you?” strikes me as super rude. When people come over, I always clean up a bit. I live alone. At a minimum I make sure there’s nothing personal left in the bathroom that they may ask to use.

      I’m always quick to offer my house as a gathering spot, but always with notice.

    12. Fellow Traveller*

      I don’t mind people dropping by, but I am of the mindset that if you are a good enough friend to drop by unannounced, then you are a good enough friend to see my house when it is messy and when I am still in my pjs.

    13. AlabamaAnonymous*

      I moved five hours away from my family, partly to ensure that they were never any drop-in visits! I am firmly in the no-unplanned/unexpected-visit camp.

      I remember talking to my grandfather, who was a retired preacher. He was reminiscing one day about dropping in to visit families who had come to the church for the first time. I told him if someone did that to me, I would not answer the door and would never go to that church again. He did not understand it all, but I had a good laugh :-)

      1. Ginger Pet Lady*

        I moved just over 2 hours away from my parents for the same reason. It worked, after the first time when they drove over to drop in on me but I was enjoying the single life and gone on a road trip with a friend for the weekend.
        So they never dropped in on me again.
        But they sure complained over the years that I never brought the grandbabies by for a surprise visit! Because OF COURSE it’s fine to expect me to pack up a preschooler, a toddler and an infant and drive two hours each way on the off chance they would be there and available to hang out.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Hah! One of my requirements when I moved back to the same side of the country as my family was that I had to be at least 3 hours away, because my brother had a toddler and a propensity for showing up at local family members’ doorsteps needing emergency babysitting and I am not a babysitter.

    14. StellaBella*

      Nope. Do not like. Similar reasons. Plus I need to tidy my apartment if people come by so need time. Where I love too, it is actually considered rude to do this. One plans things here.

    15. Jackalope*

      Surprise visits are one of the things I really miss about college, honestly. Since we all lived in dorms together and it was well pre-cell phone, we’d just drop by each other’s rooms all the time. I don’t do it a lot these days and I don’t have a lot of people who do it to me, but I miss it. On the other hand, with cell phones now I will generally at least drop a text saying something along the lines of, “Hey, I’ll be in your neighborhood in a couple of minutes, do you happen to be home?” So it’s not a complete surprise. And if the other person says no or isn’t home, no hard feelings, which on reading different people’s opinons on this I think is key. Also, be prepared on all sides to have it be a short visit if you just drop by. (Or be prepared to jump in and help; I’ve done the drop by visits most with some friends I lived with for several years, so we’re pretty casual about visiting each other, and if they’re working on a project I’ll generally start working at it with them, or when the kids were younger I’d take them out into the yard and play games so their parents could finish what they were working on, etc, so it’s useful on their end for me to come by.)

      1. GoryDetails*

        Well, yeah, college dorm life was rather different. Somehow I (raging introvert, happily living alone for many decades now) managed to spend three years in tiny dorm rooms with a roommate without going bonkers! Spending a lot of time in class or out biking around the area probably helped. But it was fun having a circle of friends with whom one could just drop by – no hard feelings if they were out or studying or whatever. (I still didn’t do that a lot, but it seemed a lot more reasonable and low-emotional-effort at the time.)

        1. Jackalope*

          Yeah, it was different, and that’s one of the things I miss most about it. I get that things are different post-dorm, and I don’t know that I’d be crazy about moving back in the dorms (although I’d be more likely to be okay with it if all of the other residents were a) my friends/family and b) mature enough not to be obnoxious in the middle of the night), but I wish that aspect were still an option.

    16. just another queer reader*

      This question fascinates me!

      My friend group doesn’t do unannounced visits, and I live in an apartment so it’s more logistically difficult.

      But I would honestly love to be in a community where unannounced visits from friends were possible! That kind of low-key social interaction is so lovely. I love my friends but planning is hard; it would be cool to just show up sometimes, or send a quick “I’m in your neighborhood if you wanna say hi!” text.

      As a kid we had a close family friend who’d stop by unannounced regularly. I was a big fan.

    17. Jay*

      My grandparents lived less than two miles from us when I was a kid. My mother and grandmother were very close and saw each other almost every day. My father and grandfather worked together. There was no dropping in. We always called before we went there and they called before they came to our house. There were spontaneous visits, sure, but there was always a call first.

      We borrowed my grandparents’ house in FL for our honeymoon. My aunt, who had not come to our wedding, lived nearby, and the first day we were there she met us at the house to give us the keys and the info we needed. The next day she walked in unannounced – and without ringing the bell, since she had her own key. I was not particularly happy to see her. She called my mother to complain. Mom’s response was “you’re lucky they were wearing clothes. It’s their HONEYMOON. What were you thinking?”

      Our friends don’t drop in on us these days. If we see them walking by, we might ask them in, but they don’t just ring the bell. I’m OK with that.

      1. Jackalope*

        I find it astonishing that someone would think that walking in on someone else on their honeymoon would be okay! That’s just…. Wow. (And I like my aunts so if I were that close I could totally see working up a visit even on my honeymoon, but it would not be her walking in unannounced!)

    18. Despachito*

      This is a very interesting question!

      My grandparents were of a large family and all the siblings did this all the time. It clashed with the younger generation (imagine an uncle coming unexpected and expecting you to let him sleep overnight). And I ,from the third generation, hate it – I WFH so that I have already my plans, plus our home is almost never tidy enough to receive guests. I love guests but it has to be on my terms, and I have to have time to prepare.

      People dropping by unannounced, and then angry when you do not receive them, is my nightmare.

    19. londonedit*

      I didn’t really grow up in a family/culture where people would make unannounced visits. For a start we lived in the middle of the countryside, so you’d have to drive to see anyone and vice versa, so it made sense to check first to see whether it was a good time! I see all those articles around Christmas about ‘the perfect recipes to have on hand for all those unexpected guests over Christmas’ and it’s baffling because I’ve never experienced that – and certainly not at Christmas! People are busy and I’d never presume a) to invite myself over to someone’s house and b) even if I did, expect them to have festive things lying around to feed me with. I was taught that inviting yourself to something was rude, and that you shouldn’t impose on people – obviously it’s fine to knock on a friend’s door if you’re passing and you have something for them that could just as easily wait or go through the letterbox if they’re not in, but in that case the most I’d be expecting would be a quick chat on the doorstep, I wouldn’t expect to be invited in (of course the friend might well ask if I wanted to come in for a cup of tea, but I wouldn’t expect it). Unless it was a genuine ‘just passing, not expecting them to be in or to be invited in’ thing I’d always check first to see if it’d be convenient for me to pop round quickly. And I’d find it quite weird if someone just turned up on my doorstep – whenever my friends have something to drop off with me (like if they’ve made a load of jam, or we went in together to order something and get a better deal, or whatever) they’ll send a message first and ask whether I’ll be in. The only recent time I can remember a friend ringing the doorbell unannounced was on my birthday, when they dropped a card off on their way back from the school run. Of course I asked if they’d like a cup of tea but they said no and that was fine.

  47. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

    Oops. Posted this in yesterday’s open thread instead of here.

    I’d like to thank the person who recommended “Hench” a couple of weeks ago on the open thread. I got it and found it a very enjoyable read.

  48. GoryDetails*

    Little Joys thread!

    Mine was being able to open all my windows today – for a couple of hours, before it got too warm. It’s been such a hot summer that I’ve rarely opened the windows at all, so I enjoyed being able to catch the breeze from outside, hear the birds better, and watch the cats sampling the air…

    1. Sundial*

      I went for my first PSL this morning. I rarely drink coffee anywhere but at home, but autumn is my absolute favorite, and I eagerly await my first pumpkin coffee every year. My husband similarly will have his first pumpkin lambic when we go out tonight.

    2. Girasol*

      Yes, open windows! It’s still 100 during the day but nights are cool now and the air smells of early autumn, mmm.

    3. Rara Avis*

      We just picked up the pumpkins we made in our glassblowing class last week. It’s pretty clear that my kid inherited their dad’s artistic eye (and hand) . My pumpkin is the deformed one. But I still love it!

    5. WellRed*

      I don’t have AC so windows stay open. The humidity left a couple days ago. I love the brief period with windows open while snuggled into bed with comforter.

    6. Filosofickle*

      I bought a sampler box of cookies for the first time from a local shop — off to a great start with the first one I tried, which was basically gooey banana bread in cookie form :D

    7. OyHiOh*

      In the past week, I’ve done a #sitlikeagirl photo shoot (I was the model and creative director), read ribbon winning poetry at the state fair, seen my mixed media sculpture at the state fair (no ribbon there, but not really the point either), and gone to an art show opening featuring several plein aire pieces I’ve done during the pandemic.

      Not sure what to do next!

    8. Laura H.*

      That other folks start this thread when I don’t is always a little joy.

      I bought a little makeup and the sales associates were so helpful. Granted, it’s just a light foundation and a nice pinkish lipstick, it was a lovely experience for this makeup novice.

      Also bought a fragrance that I’m enjoying the scent of.

    9. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Got my Moderna bivalent booster at CVS today before school starts next week. So relieved. Also enjoyed the temperate weather this morning.

    11. the cat's ass*

      *went to the bookstore AND the library with DD who is LOVING her new Literature course.
      *finished renewing all of my professional licensure for another 2 years-it’s more laborious each time, so i’m always relieved when its done.
      *started holiday shopping!

    12. Trixie*

      I finally watched The Good Fight, and am throughly enjoy the pseudo-extension of the Good Wife writing, characters, and pace. Just finished first season, and moving right into season two.
      Also, deciding to make it official and become a foster fail with my foster kitty. I knew almost immediately, but waited nine months before making the final call.

    13. Voluptuousfire*

      I finally found the motivation to clean out my shed! I use it for storage and had so much junk in there. I finally broke down the boxes stored in there and bagged up the stuff from the boxes. It took me two years to finally do it. Also doing this allows me to take my bike out easily now so I have no excuse to not ride it!

      I also bought a rowing machine. I liked using it at the gym but am very wary about a gym membership. I found a well rated and inexpensive machine and it was covered by my fitness reimbursement at the place we don’t mention on the weekends. I’m starting to look at making some life changes, so hopefully this is the beginning of it.

  49. Heather*

    I’m looking for advice. I have a friend who has always (I’ve known her about 8 years) been something of a hoarder. Nothing terrible but she tends to have piles of stuff around her house and never gets rid of anything. Which is fine— I am the opposite, but I understand that people have different preferences. I hadn’t been to her house for the whole pandemic, but we recently reconnected and I went to her house. Her home has become filthy. I’m not referring to her “stuff”— I mean that there is visible, heavy grime on all the surfaces in the kitchen, mold growing around the bathtub, etc.

    I think there is nothing I can do about this, right? Like… there’s no way to be helpful by saying “Your house is gross.”

    Additional info: She has children and pets, and all of them are healthy, well-fed, and clean. So I am not concerned about neglect or abuse.

    She does not appear depressed; our conversations are pretty superficial but she works part-time and socializes and appears happy.

    She is in her 40s and sharp, so this isn’t a case of dementia or aging problems.

    Is there anything I can do, other than make sure we socialize elsewhere? I assume that there is a problem here— but maybe not? Do I just assume she and her husband are fine with living in a very dirty home?

      1. Anonymoose*

        I was a kid in that situation, and it was hard because we never wanted to invite friends to the home and it was stressful. My family has a history of depression and hoarding, so I can’t speak for Heather’s friend’s situation but I would wonder about depression. I struggle with cleanliness to where I vacuum when I notice an accumulation of cat fur which is maybe every few weeks and I don’t scrub the bathtub very often, but if her kitchen counters aren’t clean then I would worry about the food she prepares for the kids. I also work hard to keep things decluttered, so if someone said that they planned to drop by in 30 minutes then I could vacuum and do a bit of work and my place would look reasonable. I admit that my home was better off before the pandemic because I would clean more often because people might drop by to visit, and I’ve gone through some stressful times that have not been ideal for my mental health and I was more focused on work, caring for the cats, and eating healthy food. I’m also curious about the family dynamic, because I lived with someone who was really messy and I struggled to keep cleaning up after them, and it made such a difference to my mental health and the cleanliness of my home when they moved out. I had spent so much time with basic cleaning that I’d accumulated a lot of clutter, and I was so much happier after a year of decluttering when I finally felt like everything was back to normal.

        1. Heather*

          Thank you for your insights. I am grateful to everyone for a reality check— I was trying to convince myself that it’s fine but I appreciated hearing everyone’s impression that is a sign that something is wrong.

        2. RC Rascal*

          As the child of a hoarder I can attest that the other family members are under significant stress living like this and dealing with her.

          Do not assume this is due to depression. It may well be a poorly understood disorder called Self Neglect. The family tolerated it because it is easier than dealing with the temper tantrums the hoarder throws every time someone wants to throw anything away.

    2. WellRed*

      I don’t know how to help either but I’m worried along with you. I wonder if her eyesight is going? Otherwise, yeah, your kids and pets can be clean and fed but living in filth is still a problem that’s likely to get worse if there’s an underlying pathology here.

    3. Sabine the Very Mean*

      I would actually assume a pretty alarming level of depression. Like, past the point of even realizing she’s a living breathing human being still. Auto pilot depression where suddenly she’s driving two states over and doesn’t know how she got there. This is only from my own experience with severe depression. I’d be worried.

      1. Heather*

        Thank you for that insight. In your experience, how would I approach it? Like, the only symptom I’ve noticed is the dirty home. So how would I bring up “I’m concerned that you could be depressed”— I’m afraid she’ll be like “Why would you think that?” and I’ll be at a loss of what to say.

        1. Irish Teacher.*

          I’m no expert, but I wonder could you just approach it as “how have you been feeling lately?” You mention you’ve recently reconnected so asking how the last couple of years have gone for her would be reasonable; they’ve been tough for a lot of people.

          2. Despachito*

            I’d ask “how have you been feeling lately?” and proceed from this if you find out she needs your help.

            But otherwise please let it go. Remember everyone has different standards for cleanliness, and it’s their home and their business.

            You only know about the state of her house because you are close enough for her to let you in. I understand you are coming from a good place, but I think the “good ” interest should be limited to her wellbeing (i.e. whether the change could signal that something is going wrong with her). This is exactly what you are doing, and it is a thoughtful thing. Your instinct is warning you against doing anything more, and I think it is spot on, too. Because, as you noticed, her kids are OK, she seems to be doing well and you can confirm it with the “how you are feeling lately” question, so the concern about her health seems to be moot. And the rest is her privacy and her business.

            I think you are handling it well, and that there is nothing more for you as a caring friend to do.

            1. Observer*

              I would mostly agree with your answer except for one thing.

              While it’s true that people have different standards for cleanliness, there does come a point where there is a genuine issue going on. What is being described here seems to be verging on that territory, if not already there.

              1. Despachito*

                I think this is so very subjective that I would not dare to judge.

                And I find it inherently very sexist – there is something wrong with THEIR household, but it is SHE who is suspected from being depressed. Why not him, or both of them?

                Also, I think the cleanliness is just ONE of indicators. If everything else seems OK, I would be afraid to infer that just on the basis of this something horrible must be going on.

                If this was the only unusual sign, I’d let it go completely – THEIR circus, THEIR monkeys (not just HER), and I do not feel it is my place to meddle in it. (If she had not let me in her home, I’d have no chance of knowing).

                And frankly, what would be realistic for a friend/acquaintance to be willing/able to do to help if it shows there really is something wrong?

                1. RC Rascal*

                  The vast majority of hoarders are female. Also the condition is typically not driven by depression. It is still poorly understood but is likely to be a manifestation of obsessive compulsive disorder.

                2. Eyes Kiwami*

                  OP is focused on the woman here because the woman is her friend, and because OP knows the woman has a problem. Not because of sexism…

                  I would hope a friend could ask “hey is everything ok”…

    4. Janet Pinkerton*

      For what it’s worth, this isn’t far away from what my home is like. We aren’t depressed, but we are keeping an infant alive and have never been particularly interested in cleaning. We’re working on getting it together to hire a cleaner. We don’t like the current state of affairs but don’t have it in us to change that. I don’t think there’s anything to be done. Maybe you could talk about your lifechanging house cleaner and offer a name as recommendation? It’s only through the normalization of hiring a cleaner that I’ve gotten my wife to agree.

      1. Heather*

        Thank you for sharing your perspective too; your opinion is helpful. I do think a house cleaner is great for busy families and can reduce marital conflict over who should be doing more.

        When we met, both of us had infants and toddlers. So her excuse (she didn’t need an excuse! but she would volunteer one) for a cluttered home was “well you know these kids are a handful.” But all our children are much older now and basically self-sufficient and the state of her house is much worse, not better.

        1. Despachito*

          Please be very careful about speculating that far.

          You said you do not know her husband. How do you know whether there are any marital conflicts about housework?

          I have been pretty messy for my whole life, and Hubs is about the same level. We always prepare our house if someone is to visit, because we do not want to expose other people to our mess, but if you visited us unannounced, you would also see a good portion of dirt apart from things lying all around.

          And we do not have any marital conflicts about this, because we frankly do not care about having our house clean and tidy all the time! If one of us feels like it, we do some cleaning, if not, it is OK how it is.

          Our friends do not see this because we do not do unannounced visits. But should there be an emergency and they visited our house in its usual state, I would absolutely not expect them doing anything, and if one of them recommended a house cleaner, I’d feel they should mind their own business.

              1. Despachito*

                Oh, I see it now.

                Ask yourself – IF you find something is indeed wrong, what would you be willing /able to do to help her? And how close are you really to her?

                I am asking that because even if I had marital/health problems, and was not in imminent danger, I’d not want a very good friend to interfere (apart from giving me a chance to confide to them or tell them if I needed something, which I would appreciate a lot), and i’d be LIVID if the one interfering would be more of an acquaintance than a friend.

                That said, I understand your concern about your friend, and I think it is very thoughtful of you, but there is really nothing you can – or should – do.

    5. Chaordic One*

      I don’t really have very much helpful advice either, I’m afraid. It does seem like her husband should be pitching a bit more and trying to compensate for her, and it seems like he isn’t.

      Things that you might be able to do once in a while to help might be along the lines of bringing over a casserole or something for her and her family to eat for dinner every once in a while. Perhaps you might offer to take the kids off her hands for an afternoon. (Like take them to the zoo or a museum or something like that.) I know these don’t seem like big things, and they may not help much, but still.

      1. Heather*

        Yes the husband is an unknown quantity. I’ve only met him in passing. He does work full time and is the breadwinner (and therefore, maintaining the home is more in my friend’s arena of responsibility) but I am not sure if he doesn’t clean at all; doesn’t notice that it’s dirty; is also depressed or has addictions or something… I have no idea.

    6. Sundial*

      The way you worded this has me smirking, because I had to get all the way through your comment to find out that she has a partner, and you say nothing about him being disabled or otherwise incapable of cleaning.

      Why that’s relevant: I’m not proud of it, but when my old apartment got like this, it was because I was utterly fed up. My ex refused to lift a finger, so I was working all day and cleaning all night. I finally quit just to see how bad he would let things get before he picked up a sponge, and the answer is “horrifying”.

      So, I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re on the verge of divorce.

      1. Heather*

        Yes, I have no idea what goes on behind the scenes in their marriage! I don’t know the husband at all, really.

        My friend and I both are— more or less— stay at home mothers. We each work part time, but not many hours a week, doing flexible things. Thus, cleaning and cooking really does fall largely to us. Which is fair, because it wouldn’t be reasonable for my husband to do 90% of the income-generating work and then us split the housework evenly. So it’s a VERY different situation from the one you were in, where both of you had careers and yes obviously your ex should have been doing his share!

      2. Observer*

        This is a good point. And it does bolster the point that this kind of thing can be a sign of bigger issues.

        Having said that, I think it’s just not useful to jump to conclusions about the husband – or anything else, for that matter. There are just too many unknowns here.

    7. Hola Playa*

      If you felt like YOU have the energy amd she’s not a clinical-level hoarder, you might offer to get the kitchen clean and organized together in a day. Come armed with boxes, gloves, and trash bags, take care of some of the easy stuff like trash first yourself, and let her make easy decisions on what gets donated and maybe what gets moved to another room for storage. If kids are old enough, have them on standby to take a box to the car or take out a bag of trash. Then take the donation pile for her. Y’all can talk about hiring a declutterer and housekeeper lightly during the day.

      If she’s in a state of complete overwhelm, whether due to depression or busyness or whatever, having someone make the first move and carry some of the effort can go a really long way.

      1. Despachito*

        If she asked you to do this, it would be a very thoughtful thing to do.

        If she didn’t, it would be absolutely horrible. I cannot imagine a friend arriving at a conclusion that our home is too messy, and offering to come clean for us. I would read it as incredibly patronizing and assuming that she thinks that she knows better how things should be, and that we do not have the agency to deal with it ourselves. And both of these would come across as very weird and judgmental, and I will probably cut all contacts with such a busybody.

        So to offer such a kind of thing, it would have to be 1) a VERY good friend, which does not seem to be the case, as OP does not know anything about her husband, and 2) I would have to be absolutely positive that she wants to do it but is unable to do it herself. Otherwise, I would not interfere, as I would not want people to interfere were the roles reversed.

    8. Almost a slob myself...*

      I know I’m late to comment here, but in case you are still checking this thread, I wanted to go ahead and put this out here. It sounds like you and your friend are not very close, so your ability to change anything with her situation is probably limited. If you do want to be supportive of her, I really recommend that you check out Dana K White. She is a self-proclaimed “slob” and she does a very good job of explaining what it is like to come from that place of being a semi-hoarder with too much stuff and a poor housekeeper (for lack of a better term). It sounds like your friend might have some things in common with her, and so if you read some of Dana’s stuff, it might help you to understand the place your friend is in / coming from. Dana does address in some of her blogs and podcasts and in at least one book how to approach helping someone else, but I can only easily find one podcast episode.

      I personally have found Dana’s perspective relatable even though my living spaces have never gotten as far as the state hers got into. If you say your friend does not show any other signs of depression, I personally don’t think that the state of her home automatically means she is depressed. It sounds to me like she is overwhelmed and maybe a little burnt out. Even if her kids are older, if organization and time management are areas that are challenging for her, getting everything accomplished may still be overwhelming and housecleaning has maybe fallen to the bottom of the totem pole.

      So if I were you and I wanted to help, I would start by finding out if she ever feels overwhelmed. I think it’s safe to say that in the last 2+ years, everyone has gotten overwhelmed about something at some point, so is there anything that you’ve found overwhelming that you could share with her to start that conversation? *I would only do this if your thing is genuine and won’t come across as superficial to her* You might find in the conversation that there are ways you could support each other. People often find it hard to accept help, but exchanging help is easier.

      I’ll also add that since it doesn’t sound like you two are close, you might not be the right person, at this time, for the conversation I’m suggesting. A way you could help right now might be to just keep being her friend and work on strengthening your relationship with her so that one day you are in a better position to help.

      I’ll link the podcast episode in a separate comment.

      1. Anonymoose*

        Not related to the main topic, but “bottom of the totem pole” is actually the most important! They are the stable base on which everything else builds, so an incorrect term in this situation.

  50. Flowers*

    So this is kind of a continuation of my post in yesterday’s work thread, except this one is more on the personal side. I’m feeling pretty crappy about everything and at a complete loss as to what to do. 

    Both my husband and mother are extremely unhappy that I’m working full time. Esp since our 2 year old gets sick every few weeks. Despite my flaws at work, I *do* love working and I hate that I’m made to feel like I’m a horrible person for that. I feel like it’s so unfair – so many women have thriving careers and supportive spouses, kids who love them, parents that are proud of them. I just don’t know what to do, I feel stuck.

    1. Heather*

      I don’t have any advice, but this sucks. The only thing I will tell you (and it is so unhelpful and I’m sorry) is— Cling to the reality that this phase of life is brief. It feels long, but a two year old who is sick all the time becomes a four year old who is in full time preschool and loves it. If you can find any way to connect with your husband about the fact that both of you are working and you are just going to power through the current chaos—maybe in a couple of years you’ll be able to look at each other and say “Phew that was rough but we made it.”

    2. WellRed*

      Is this a cultural thing or just specific to your family? Either way it’s tough but I’m wondering if there’s any counseling or support you can access?

      1. Flowers*

        For my mom it’s a cultural thing – moms stay home with the kids. Be poor and struggle but being at home is more important.

        For my husband – he was always supportive of my working. Both before kid and after kid when I was working from home, he would take her; there were some kinks here and there with that, but overall I’d say he was supportive. Even now, he’s not directly saying “I hate that you’re working” but he is saying other things that 100000% indicate he’s unhappy with this new change.

        1. Esmeralda*

          Netflix, Taco Chronicles. In which we learn that tacos are life and culture, and also that tacos can be filled with almost anything

    3. RagingADHD*

      I think, based on your comments yesterday, that this is about more than some kind of irrational prejudice your family have against you being a working mom.

      You are currently not taking care of yourself to a truly alarming degree. I understand that your child needs lots of appointments for their own needs, and I applaud the way you are pursuing that.

      But if you are missing taking your insulin, it is impossible for your brain and body to keep up with a demanding schedule. It is a life-threatening situation.

      There may be a gender role issue at play, too, but purely on a practical level you are seriously compromised in your functioning right now, and it is not unreasonable for people who care about you to have strong opinions about that.

      You know the saying, “Even a broken clock is right twice a day?”

      Your mom and husband may be wrong for 22 hours a day, but they are right that you are overcommitted and if you are financially able to do so, it would be a good idea to step back and get your health sorted out.

      1. Flowers*

        It is mostly financial. I can’t afford to quit; I racked up a lot of CC debt and tanked my score and depleted my savings. and – I know myself well enough that being without a steady stream of income and the routine of in-person work will affect my m.h way more than anything. So…lesser of two evils? picking my poison?

        2. All the cats*

          Yeah but when your poison is “don’t take my INSULIN for a whole WEEK because I didn’t feel like getting it refilled lolz,” I can’t blame your relatives for wondering if there’s something deeper at play.

          1. Flowers*

            ummm no it wasn’t that at all, and wtf is up with the “lolz”?? Insurance suddenly changed it up and said they needed a prior authorization and they rejected it. I spent days going between the doctor, pharmacy and insurance company. So no need for that snark or condescension.

    4. BRR*

      Between your posts yesterday and today, it sounds like seeing a therapist might be helpful for you. Someone to be in your corner and a place where you can let all of this stress come out. If your employer has an EAP, that could be a good option to utilize.

      1. Flowers*

        I honestly don’t think therapy will be useful anymore. I’ve tried it a few times in the past, and I just don’t have the energy and capacity to take on looking for someone and explaining everything and getting to know someone and committinag to specific times weekly.

        1. anonagain*

          I’m familiar with this particular conundrum — needing therapy to help you function again but not functioning well enough to sort out therapy.

          Anyway, what do you think you should do?

        2. Dark Macadamia*

          I hope this comes across kindly, but I believe I saw awhile back that you used to post here under a different name, where you frequently posted stuff that was beyond the scope of this thread to the point that Alison asked you to stop and many of the responses tended to be “this is a question for a therapist.” Between yesterday’s post and the fact that this one seems to misrepresent your situation (by omitting the context from yesterday)… it really sounds like you are in crisis in multiple ways right now, and as supportive as this comment section is they can’t help you fix it. I understand being resistant to therapy – I often have the same thought that it’s too much WORK to even look into, and might not help – but this is A LOT and the people who should be most supportive in your personal life are too close to the situation to be able to help you the way a therapist could.

          1. Flowers*

            To be fair, I didn’t post this expecting the answer to “I love working but my family doesn’t” to be “go to therapy.”

            And yes, before anyone accuses me of being sneaky or lying/misrepresenting, yes I posted under a different name, I change it maybe once a year or every other year and yes I’ve cleared it with Alison that I can change my username.

            1. anon for this*

              Respectfully, what kind of answers *are* you looking for then? Most weeks you do treat this weekend post as if it were therapy and a group of internet strangers as therapists. It’s not out of line for people who aren’t actually therapists to suggest that you take these questions to someone whose job it is to work with people on these kinds of issues.

            2. AvonLady Barksdale*

              That’s the thing about asking for advice or posting about your situation– you’re going to get answers you didn’t expect. If you already had the answer, you wouldn’t feel compelled to ask.

              Outside people often see things we don’t see on the inside. What all of these people are telling you– every time– is that these issues are not simple, are deep-seated, and would benefit greatly from professional help. To HELP you.

            3. Glomarization, Esq.*

              Therapy is a two-way street. Both parties work to try to get the person through their challenges. It takes effort and time.

              By contrast, spending hours on this website on the Friday and weekend open threads is just spinning. You shouldn’t expect good, therapeutic help by posting here, where people see incomplete information, they don’t have a complete record of your history, and they’re not therapists.

              Flowers, honestly and with kindness, it’s actually a little painful to see you spinning here on the open threads with the same problems (and, often, predictable results) for literally years on end. You’ve been advised many, many times over the years to get a therapist and stick with therapy, and I sincerely wish you would buckle down and do the work required with a therapist to get through your issues.

            4. RagingADHD*

              The suggestions of therapy aren’t because of your stated question.

              It’s because all the “background details” that you didn’t specifically ask about are so important and so alarming that it gives the impression you are not seeing the situation in a realistic way.

              The situation you have described is simply untenable. It is not the average “working mom” dilemma. If your husband has always been supportive of you working and is now telling you that the family situation has big problems that you need more time for, that is a valid conversation you should have with him in good faith.

              Shopping for answers you like by shading the question differently isn’t going to get you anything useful.

              You need direct, personal, detailed advice to help you think clearly about the situation, process the emotions it entails, and make a realistic plan to improve your life.

              That is what therapy is.

        3. Any Name At All*

          You get as much out of therapy as you put into it. It’s not just sitting on a couch talking to somebody. And the effort you’re putting in to explain your situation weekly to internet strangers would be better served to explain weekly to a therapist.

          Internet strangers can’t change your situation. You have to be willing to make changes in your life yourself.

          1. Flowers*

            Goodness, some of these comments (thankfully small minority) make me wish I could be swallowed up whole and disappear forever. Was that even necessary?

            1. Forgotten username*

              You’re reacting really strongly to what Any Name At All said. As an outsider, I didn’t see anything wrong or mean with what ANAA said.

              You said you feel stuck. Therapy is a great way for anyone who feels stuck to get unstuck. There is nothing wrong with going to therapy. I think you’re missing the point here – which is that Internet strangers cannot help you work out the issues you have, which are larger than what we can deal with, and we know this because you do post regularly enough about issues that are far beyond “what do you all feed your cats.” People are trying to help you, not hurt you, by suggesting you seek therapy.

            2. NotRamona*

              This is exactly why people are frustrated with you constantly posting the same problems over and over and over again instead of actually doing anything about it.

              Also, why do you and Elizabeth West/Me!/Blargh! get a pass on the “pick a username and stick to it” rule?? What the heck kind of blackmail do you 2 have on her?

              1. Ask a Manager* Post author

                There’s no “pick a user name and stick to it” rule and lots of people change user names with some regularity (generally without anyone realizing it because they’re less frequent posters or their questions aren’t as recognizable or so forth). The rule (which you can see right here) is against sock puppetry (using multiple user names on the same post to try to make it look like your position has more support than it does). If Flowers were using additional user names to agree with herself, that would be against the rules. But changing a user name because you want to be anonymous for a particular question or because you feel like a change is not and has never been against the rules.

                That said, I agree that these threads should not and cannot be used as a substitute for therapy — or for heavy issues in general — and I’m asking for that to stop.

              2. Anonymoose*

                Alison is very consistent that the rule about name changes is about commenting on one’s own posts. I use several different names based on context because I worry about anonymity. Maybe I’m paranoid, but I really appreciate that I can provide supportive advice without worrying that it might share too much and be a target of hate groups (I know, it’s a big stretch, but the internetz can be weird and there are a lot of people who actively hate women, trans, disabled, etc).

    5. marvin*

      I didn’t see your post yesterday so maybe I missed this, but is there a compelling reason why your husband doesn’t make adjustments to his own work schedule rather than picking on yours?

      1. RagingADHD*

        Flowers stated yesterday that her husband is already in charge of getting the toddler (who has some special needs) ready for daycare, doing pickup and dropoff, and works from home and does the main stint of childcare when the toddler is home sick. So it’s not as if he’s not stepping up.

        Flowers also reported some extremely concerning physical and m. h. issues of her own that are being inadequately addressed. She is having m.h. crises that cause her to call out from work, missed an entire week’s worth of insulin, and had to take time off work to deal with an emergency insulin refill.

        “Husband should pick up more slack” is not even going to come close to addressing the issues here. It’s not about slack.

        1. Flowers*

          thank you for that. I don’t want anyone bashing him for not picking up slack. He can be difficult
          to deal with sometimes but the typical “lazy/“fake incompetent dad” that so many women complain about he is not.

    6. Stella*

      Have you talked to them about why they’re unhappy with you working full tine? Do they have legitimate concerns about your health and welfare, or are they oppposed to mothers working full time regardless? Have you told them how you feel? How their comments make you feel? If so, what did they say? If not, why not?

      Communication is key. It sounds like there’s a lot going on with you all, but I don’t see much about communicating openly and honestly, and that’s concerning. Do you have a therapist you can talk to as a first step?

      1. Flowers*

        Have you talked to them about why they’re unhappy with you working full tine? Do they have legitimate concerns about your health and welfare, or are they oppposed to mothers working full time regardless? Have you told them how you feel? How their comments make you feel? If so, what did they say? If not, why not?

        Nope – their only concern is the baby. esp with her getting sick so often, and clingy, or missing me etc.

    7. Kiwiapple*

      BTW, no, many women do not have that *all*. People only post what they want others to see. There are plenty of women who have issues like you are facing or worse.

      I’ve felt stuck in my life before and seeking therapy was the best thing I ever did for myself and helped me get over that feeling. Have you tried finding someone to talk to who can help, not just about this one aspect but about the numerous challenges you have written about, including the one yesterday where you risked your health for a week through lack of medication? It sounds like whatever you are currently doing isn’t quite working for you or most importantly, your young child.

    8. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I’m sorry you’re facing this — you are NOT a horrible person for working at all. I want to encourage you to keep working no matter how disapproving they get.

      I have no idea whether this is what’s going on, but sometimes, people try to control you by limiting your ability to have your own money. Is it possible that your mom and husband are doing this?

      Even if there’s nothing malicious going on, it sounds like YOU will feel better and stronger if you keep working and earning your own money. It puts you in a better position in case anything goes south in your marriage or with the rest of your family. And it sets a good example for your child too. Put your own oxygen mask on first . . . .

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I went back and read yesterday’s post because I missed it.

      I think the first thing to do is get rid of this misconception right here: ” I feel like it’s so unfair – so many women have thriving careers and supportive spouses, kids who love them, parents that are proud of them.”
      I believe there are two women in the whole US that feel this way. The rest feel pulled in every direction at the same time. No I have not met these two women yet, maybe I will some day.

      The problem I see here is you want it all and all of the sudden- you want to take care of your mom and baby, work full time and run a household, and in-between times take good care of your diabetes.

      I think you need to sit down with your husband and hammer out a practical plan. I would not say this but you seem to indicate that he does plenty in taking care of your child. The next step in logic is that it’s still not enough.
      Just as it is unfair to women to make the woman carry more than they can handle, the same can be said of men. It sounds like hubby may have met his max also.

      The cold hard truth is that your kiddo needs you, BOTH of you.

      I was married to a diabetic so I have seen it first hand. Stress does a number on diabetes. If a person has diabetes, plus stress, plus neglect of their own health, this is a huge, huge problem. Diabetics need to follow a sleeping and eating schedule. Additionally, it is wise for a diabetic to keep activity levels very close to the same each day. This means if you are chopping wood from 10-12 noon, you should not suddenly go out and chop wood at 5 pm. Your body can’t hack surprises like this. Follow a schedule.
      With the poor self-care you are showing here (erratic sleep, no insulin, high stress), you could end up in the hospital. You can make some life decisions now OR your body will force you to do so in a little bit.

      So here’s what I think and in no particular order:

      1) talk to your hubby, work out a plan that is viable.

      2) talk to your doc, find out if all that you are trying to do is realistic for someone with your concerns.

      3)consider therapy to grieve through the process of realizing life may not be everything you want given your givens. You have some things, a husband who loves you and your child. You have a home and you are able to keep your aging mom with you if you want. You have a marketable skill that people will hire you, but you may not be able to work full time. Not because you are a woman but because it’s too much for your body.

      4) The biggest favor you can do for yourself is to give up the illusion that you can have it all and have it all at the same time. This almost never happens to anyone. The people who look like they have it all are either empty braggarts OR they have learned how to dwell on what is going good in their lives. Very, very few people have it all. Worse yet, “all” can be taken away from us in a heart beat with bills from a catastrophic illness. You have to make your health a priority- it’s not a choice. If your health goes that impacts your family and your home. Yes, this story here can get worse. My husband worked 12-14 hours per day, he was never home during the week. He died at 59. He did not have a snowball’s chance, he worked so many hours and under so much stress. I really mean it when I say that diabetics have to have a life plan in order to keep the diabetes in check. Don’t let my husband’s story become yours, too.

      1. RosyGlasses*

        This is such a beautiful reply. I am 44 and it has taken me that long (including the 21 years I’ve been a parent) to finally let go of the mental vision that I was supposed to be able to do it all with grace and aplomb and success.

      2. Flowers*

        When I said “I feel like it’s so unfair – so many women have thriving careers and supportive spouses, kids who love them, parents that are proud of them.”

        I was thinking of IRL people I know. Like I’ve spent lots of time with them and their families and I see the way they are with their families and spouses. And it’s nothing like what I have. We got sacked with this burden of taking care of my mother who is a horrible person and let’s just say I’m just counting down the days til she’s gone. Maybe one day when things calm down I can seek therapy to unpack all that but until then I just feel like I need to get my act together.

        1. Ellis Bell*

          A lot of this sounds like it stems from your mother. I don’t see how your husband went from being supportive to not supportive, unless it is because these days you seem more “burdened” and kiddo is picking up on that, or it’s too much for you while your kid is going through a tough phase of development. Maybe he’s just trying to figure out which juggling ball you’re willing to drop. There’s no way you have to put up with your mother being a “horrible person” either. I’m not saying there are easy answers with that one, but it’s not definitely, absolutely, inherently all on you to make things easier between you and you mother. If she doesn’t like your lifestyle? Tough? Please take care of your health also, because wow is that scary and your health will not give you a do over or wait patiently for you to take care of it.

        2. Generic Name*

          Please stop comparing yourself to other people. Just because you spend lots of time with them doesn’t mean you know the inside of their relationship. Even if their relationship really is all glitter and rainbows, so what? Spending time ruminating in jealousy is a waste of time and only makes you feel bad.

          1. Flowers*

            Yes, I agree with your last sentence. I never considered myself a jealous person in the sense that others don’t deserve good things but that why couldn’t I have the good things. I know rationally it’s a waste of time…but I’m human and I have times when emotions get the better of me.

    10. Flowers*

      Thanks everyone for the warm and kind replies.

      Just want to clear up one thing – I’m not talking about what I see on social media about “having it all” (i.e., big houses, travelling all the time, designer stuff, busy social lives etc) I know those are illusions. I’m talking about what I think are basic things. and I see these in my real life with my friends – they have loving parents, spouses, kids. Regardless of their career/financial situation, fashion sense, etc. Hope that makes sense.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Where are these IRL people that have it “all”?

        I wasn’t talking about social media either.

        Respectfully, people tell us what they want us to know about them IRL, also.

        If I sit down and talk with people for any length of time, their gaps become apparent. And their gaps are as much a struggle for them, as mine are to me.

        I have a friend and their family with a beautiful house in my life. Manicured lawns, new cars every few years, condo down south. Looks great, right? My friend has such an explosive temper that not many people want to be around them for long.

        Another friend, again with the house, the fam, the dog and it looks like this friend has the world by the tail. Friend’s scripts send them into a psychoses sort of thing. Again, this is a person that does not retain friends, nor family.

        I kind of figured you were going to say mom is a problem.

        Serious thought here. Until you decide to do things differently, your situation will remain the same. Keep the view that people have it great if that is what you want, even though it’s self-defeating. Bottomline is people having great lives is irrelevant to your setting. Until you make some changes here, whatever that means to you, these problems will continue.

        I had a hard time with my mother. I suspect yours is worse than mine was. Until I decided that aging and illness were not acceptable excuses for abuse/negativity/cruel words, nothing changed. Once I drew my hard boundary things changed. I decided that no one, not even my mother was going to beat me into the ground with their words.

        Of everything here, I think the toughest one to tackle is accepting the fact that the body we get, is the body we get. I can’t run distances, I never will. Most times i need a handrail on stairs. This is me. This is my body. I want to sing- I mean really pound out a song. The best way for me to carry a tune is in a bucket- because my vocal cords don’t go where I want them to go. This is me. This is the hand I have been dealt in life.

        Life isn’t about having it all.

        Life is about taking what we do have and making that work for our betterment and for the betterment of those around us.

        Shift from what is wrong with your life to figuring out how to maximize what is right with your life.

        1. Flowers*

          To me, “having it all” boils down to 2-3 things, which to be fair isn’t “everything.” at least not in teh traditional sense. The people I think of are the ones I’ve known for 2 decades, spent a significant time, I know the flaws and cracks they have but to me they have the important things, if that makes sense?

          I mean I get it, we all have to deal the hand we’re dealt with. and for the most part I get through it. I like to think God gives some with both hands while for some he was an amputee. I love this:

          Life is about taking what we do have and making that work for our betterment and for the betterment of those around us.

          Shift from what is wrong with your life to figuring out how to maximize what is right with your life.

          This is amazing <3

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Yes, this is true they have what is important to YOU. That is correct.
            But, do they have what is important to THEM?

            We can’t assume that everyone puts the same level of importance on things.

            It is possible that you have something that others do not have, yet is very important to them.

      2. Observer*

        You know what? A lot of people would say that about me. And they would be both right and wrong. Yes, I’m lucky and I’m blessed. But do you really think that this ALL there is to the story? Absolutely not. A lot of people I’m good friends with do not know about the challenges I face. I tend not to talk about it for a number of reasons. I’m not trying to burnish my image with them, but still they could easily have a rosier picture than the reality is.

        But the others who point out that it really doesn’t do you any good to ruminate on that are right. It’s unhelpful to you because is saps energy and mental / emotional resources you need in order to deal with the life you actually have.

    11. Observer*

      Both my husband and mother are extremely unhappy that I’m working full time. Esp since our 2 year old gets sick every few weeks.

      I haven’t read the replies yet, and this is a really difficult situation but I’d like to start with 2 thoughts.

      1. Tune your mother out. She doesn’t get to decide how you should run your life. She’s made her point of view clear, and now it’s time for her to back off. Shut the conversations down and let her opinion roll off your back.

      2. Why is your husband unhappy? What does your child getting sick have to do with it? And how does he actually expect your lives as a family to actually operate? I’m not being snarky here. It’s very hard to know what your next steps here should be without the answers to those questions.

      We’ve all seen more than enough examples of spouses who are being unreasonable jerks about this stuff, so you don’t need any more of those. But that doesn’t mean that there are not sometime reasonable conversations to be had.

      An example from my life – I have always had a fairly demanding job with long hours and it did create some legitimate issues. Due to that and some ideas around the need for maternal availability to the kids, my husband at one point suggested that I consider becoming a SAHM. I asked him how expected our finances to work if we lost my income. Once he looked at the issue directly he realized that we really couldn’t afford for me to not have a decent job. At that point we decided that this was not going to be a discussion we are going to have any more. We were just going to have to figure out how to deal with the issues in the best way we could.

    12. Macaroni Penguin*

      I’m sorry that you’re dealing with all that!

      Are your prescriptions set to autorenewal and delivery to your home? That’s one of the first things I’d do to help stabilize things. Also, I’d sign up for therapy, even though I’d have no mental capacity to unpack my troubles. If I just sat there (in person or online) and stared at the therapist in numb exhaustion, so be it. At least I showed up and there’s a chance that I’d start working on things.

      Jedi hugs

    13. Flowers*

      Thanks all for the kind and helpful comments. I’m sorry I couldn’t’ get to reply to more of them today, I’ve finally gotten time to sit down and read them. Thank you all <3

  51. Flowers*

    Cling to the reality that this phase of life is brief. It feels long, but a two year old who is sick all the time becomes a four year old who is in full time preschool and loves it.

    I’m truly hoping for that.

  52. Aphrodite*

    Alison, I don’t know if this post is okay or not. Feel free to delete if it is not.

    A couple of weekends ago I asked about suggestions for particular underwear. It got a lot of answers, for which I am grateful because I was able to see a lot of ones I had never heard of. However, I ended up not buying anything.

    Then yesterday I got a small catalog in the mail from J0ckey. I just bought five sets (each set containing three)–and got a whopping 30 percent off plus free shipping. I know the original price so I know this wasn’t just hype. If you like this brand, I suggest heading there this weekend; the code for the discount is on their site.

    1. WellRed*

      I always liked jockey brand and my 76 year old mom still does so hoping it works out for ya! With comfy undies, you can rule the world ; )

      1. Aphrodite*

        Thanks! I know it will work because I own these now. They are my favorites by far. Now if they’d only make them in fun, bright colors and/or patterns I’d be in heaven . . .

  53. RosyGlasses*

    Random post – but thank you to the commenters a few weeks ago that mentioned on a macbook you can press “Command + Up Arrow” to get back to the top of the thread. For weeks/months/years that I’ve been reading this website, I’ve wanted to trade all my marbles for a floating “back to top” link and now I have an easy way to navigate back up. I should probably get better at learning keyboard commands, but they only seem to stick when I actually need it :)

  54. marvin*

    How do you like to celebrate fall? It’s my favourite season but every year I feel like I don’t do enough to appreciate it. I’m looking for inspiration!

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      Baking! I usually try to make a couple apple and pumpkin things. My favorites are cider donut-muffins and chocolate chip pumpkin bread but I try other recipes sometimes too.

      Decorations, hikes in areas with nice foliage, pumpkin patch in late October.

    2. Heather*

      Go for realllly long walks. Either on hiking trails, or just around town or whatever. Take a water bottle and a snack and just walk and walk until you’re exhausted. You’ll feel so good after working your muscles and breathing in all the crispy autumn air, and you’ll feel satisfied when you get in bed under your cozy covers.

    3. Aphrodite*

      Southern California is usually warm. I always hope for cool, though. I love to decorate my home in my autumn decor. I also enjoy going to local food/pumpkin farms and spending time wandering around, looking at the pumpkins and soaking in the sense of autumn in the fields. I might even do a hayride. I rarely buy because I have quite a few faux pumpkins in glass, ceramics, fabric, paper, copper metal, silver, gold and so on. To these I generally add some real ones in greens and white. I will make some potpourri for the stove. I haven’t baked in several years but maybe this year is my time to do it again. I love the sights and sounds and smells of autumn.

    4. Girasol*

      Go to the fruit stand, buy cartons of apples, and make applesauce, not the grocery store pureed kind but chunky, tangy, spicy, and sweetened with a good honey. Or have fried apples with breakfast (slices fried in lots of butter until they’re brown, and sprinkled with cinnamon and brown sugar.) Drive up to the trail that goes through an area where the early settlers planted dozens of different varieties of apples, and have a tasting hike. Nothing says fall like apples.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Penzey’s Chinese five-spice blend is amazing in homemade applesauce (and I use it as a sub for pumpkin pie spices too). Their pie spice is also good, if you’re sensitive to anise – it has a little bit but not as much as the five-spice does.

      2. Ginger Pet Lady*

        I have two apple trees, so I have done applesauce like that before. I also like to dry apples dried in cinnamon, makes the house smell amazing.
        Haven’t tried apples fried in butter, but OH MY I SURE WILL!

      3. Sundial*

        When I was a kid, my dad’s best friend owned an orchard/Christmas tree farm, so we would get bushels of 8-10 varieties of apples. I was spoiled for applesauce, and will never have any quite as good as that for the rest of my life. It’s simultaneously a fond memory and moderately frustrating.

    5. Chaordic One*

      I’m not sure that I really celebrate autumn, but I do really enjoy it. (Right now we’re still experiencing a “heat dome” and the temperature is supposed to get over 100 degrees Fahrenheit today. It’s hard to think ahead and imagine pleasant fall days again.)

      I love wearing flannel and sweaters and layering. I love closed-toe leather shoes and boots. I love hot beverages (cocoa, coffee and tea). I love hot baked goods. I love the soups, and stews and chowders and casseroles. And they all seem to taste so much better in the fall. I love the rain and walking in it, all bundled up, with an umbrella. I enjoy picking chokecherries from bushes in woods (while keeping an eye out for bears). I enjoy picking apples at the abandoned orchards near where I live. (I know the owners of the land and get permission.) It is really surprising to me that there used to be so many orchards around and they are now abandoned.

  55. slowingaging*

    Updates. I love when people post the follow up.
    1. I asked activities for my Mom with dementia. I did try the suggestions.
    The current go to is separating the leaves and stems of cilantro. She can happily do this for about an hour per bunch of cilantro. She shows me the ones she think are cute. Then the cilantro goes in the compost pile. (She will stop and blow her nose and I haven’t figured out how to get the cilantro clean enough for me to use)
    2. I called about participating in a caregiver study, but I am outside the geographic area I do appreciate the responses.
    3. The jar of ‘flabby olives’ turned out only about 25% flabby. I tossed the flabby ones and the majority were actually good enough to use in various dips and potato salad.
    Thanks for the suggestions and sharing your thoughts.

    1. fposte*

      Thanks for updating! I love the fragrance of cilantro so I’d count that as a happy thing to share on that basis alone.

    2. California Dreamin’*

      I missed your original post but could really use the suggestions too and would love to go back and read it. Do you happen to remember around when you posted? My mom has early dementia and I struggle with her hovering over me in the kitchen asking over and over again how she can help (this is half a me problem because I’m very territorial in the kitchen and don’t love helpers.). I don’t like the smell of cilantro, but this is the exact kind of suggestion I need! (I could try parsley.)

      1. slowingaging*

        Yep. I don’t remember when, but these are the suggestions.
        I only use cilantro because it is cheaper. Also she sits in the den at a tv tray, so she isn’t in the kitchen. She does a very neat job of pulling it apart and admiring the leaves.
        Alphabet/number, shape and color beads (this was frustrating for her)
        Rolling yarn balls, was suggested, I found Christmas ribbon and had her roll that.
        Mom likes to cut out pictures(she cut up family pictures, I started hiding them) but when I gave her pictures to cut, she wouldn’t do it.
        Folding grocery sacks…. I have been know to mess some up to give her a 30 minute task.
        She likes to scrub, I have to supervise what she can scrub in the kitchen.
        She likes to sweep and dust.
        She loves Word search books and playing the piano can text with emojis.
        I am always trying to find things for her to do.
        If you can give her tasks in an adjoining room, it will keep her occupied and give you some rest. I stress cook (instead of stress eating) and I sit Mom in the adjoining and give her tasks. If you come up with any other ideas let me know. If you have any questions, ask away.

  56. Invisible fish*

    Question for librarians here: how are self published books that are poorly written making in onto the shelves? I have nothing against self published authors – but I continue to run across books that look like junior high students wrote them. (Obviously, I’m checking out ebooks – I can’t speak for what’s in a physical library.) If the book is that poorly written, I can’t imagine anyone reading it even if they start the book – what is the point of having that book at all? (I’m sorry if I come off as a horrible person- they just keep popping up as I look for new books, and it’s getting really annoying.)

    1. I just play one on TV*

      Not a librarian, an editor, but I do occasional work for an editorial service that anyone with an internet connection can hire. Based on what I see, there is so much demand for books by author-who-checks-whatever-demographic-box that the services that supply ebooks to libraries are basically taking anything from a person who can string 50 words together and checks that box.
      As an added bonus, self-published books are generally super cheap to throw into the ebook offerings, so there are 50 of those for the same price as something good that has been actually edited and selected by an actual publisher*.
      Obviously I am much gentler in my actual editorial comments, but I tell my 9 year old that she can write better stuff than 75% of the garbage I see. There’s a decent amount of fan fiction that is better than a lot of what I see, too.
      *yes, an actual editor and publisher don’t guarantee good writing (hi, twilight), but they’re spending money to produce the book and have shareholders to answer to. It’s not all about vanity.

    2. Slinky*

      There are a few possibilities. We receive a lot of our books on approval plan. Essentially, we’ll give a vendor a list of things we want (genre, audience, subject, language, etc.) and they send us boxes of books that match. We receive them on “approval,” so we can send them back if we don’t want them. However, like many industries, we’re dealing with short staffing and often don’t have time to check them all. (Honestly, we didn’t check them all even when we were more well staffed, but time is even more stretched now.) As a result, books get accepted and shelved without really being read.

      I’m not sure how often self-published books get added to approval plans, but this might be one possibility. Even if buying item-by-item, when trying to spend down our budgets (for well-funded institutions, still in the multi-thousands of dollars), you’re buying books based on the description rather than reading them all. You’re doing your best to spend a lot of money quickly and hoping you get some good books.

      A third possibility: the library receives them as a gift. We don’t accept all gifts, of course, but again the time needed to sort through them and dispose of them (shipping to a reseller, driving them to Goodwill, etc.) may be more than we can devote. As a result, the gift gets accepted, cataloged, and shelved.

      I’m not sure what specifically is happening in your library, but these are all possibilities.

    3. Westsidestory*

      This piques my curiosity. Are you sure these ebooks you are getting through your library app are self-published? Are you finding them badly written, or just badly designed and hard to read?

      1. Invisible fish*

        Oh, badly written. So badly written …

        I actually have taught junior high school English, and I teach high school English now. I swear to you that I’ve come across things that read exactly what students have produced when given free reign to write a fictional narrative. It’s so bad. Terrible punctuation, run on sentences, sentence fragments, unbelievable dialogue, no flow, no continuity…

    4. RagingADHD*

      Not a librarian but an indie author. There are several distribution services by which indie authors can license their books to digital library platforms like Overdrive (Libby) and Hoopla. There aren’t any gatekeepers or quality reviews required, you just upload and enable the options.

      AFAIK, libraries don’t select individual books from these services. My understanding is that they have package subscriptions.

    5. Roland*

      Not a librarian, but my library uses the Overdrive feature that lets you request ebooks they don’t already own – presumably books from their existing suppliers/distributors/whatever, since not every book shows up as an option. Every book I’ve ever requested, they eventually bought. So part of it might just be, people want it, people get it.

      1. S*

        How can I find out if my library uses this feature? I often search for ebooks or audiobooks that were recommended here or elsewhere on Libby and come up empty.

        1. Roland*

          Idk how Libby works. But for Overdrive, it’s in the filters when you search. In the “availability” section where the “available now” option is, there’s also an option for “recommend to library ” which will then show search results they don’t own yet. There will also be an another tab under “my account” called “recommendations” alongside “holds” and “loans”.

          I have a membership with 2 systems that use Overdrive websites and only one of them lets me recommend books, so it’s definitely a choice they get to make.

          1. Roland*

            Btw I am just talking about the plain ol’ overdrive website for each library. Can’t speak for apps.

    6. WellRed*

      Amazon is starting to suggest more and more self published titles to me and it’s annoying. I avoid self published titles for the reasons you mention.

    7. Friend of the Library*

      Not a librarian, but when I volunteered my library was making a big push to promote local authors and they’d take pretty much anything written by any local yokel. Some things were quite good but, IMHO, many were horrible. Most had to do with local history and covered very narrow aspects of it. Because of the local aspect, almost everything like that ended up in a special local history collection.

    8. Suprisingly ADHD*

      Not a librarian but an avid reader. I think it’s great that indie publishing is becoming more accessible! Up till now, the publishing industry has been controlled by the big 5 (now 4 I think) publishing companies. Now, with various services becoming available like Ingram spark and gumroads, theres less financial barrier to getting your stuff out there.
      The same as an accessible indie games market made stuff like Undertale possible, an open publishing market will bring some gems forward that otherwise would never be seen at all!

  57. Fit at fifty*

    I’ve lost almost 30 lbs in 2022. As a 50-year-old woman, my skin doesn’t have the elasticity it used to have, so I’m noticing some loose skin. Any tips on how to firm it up? I am going to start lifting weights to build muscle and tone. I think that might help.

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      That’s what I’m worried about as I try to lose weight. When I was younger, my skin snapped back, but all my friends who are losing weight now have to deal with loose skin. If it’s really irksome, there’s surgery. I don’t know about more moderate options, but maybe someone else does!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Get with a nutritionist. From my own life experience I am thinking of protein drinks and collagen. But this is so unique to each individual that sitting with a pro and having regular check-ins is the safest way to handle this. (I also know the other side of what can go wrong- take too much vitamin B? You can be awake half the night. Avoid, avoid, avoid doing this nutrition stuff alone.)
      Be sure to let your chosen professional know you are exercising- this will be a factor in picking out what you need.

    3. fposte*

      In later adulthood, collagen and elastin, the components that make your skin stretchy, don’t have much ability to retract once they’re loosened. Some sources suggest liquid collagen might help some–you could try to make a bone-rich stock or bone broth at home if you don’t want to buy commercial.

    4. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Your skin may never quite bounce back especially as it’s skin that’s lost some elasticity with aging. But I wouldn’t worry too much or do anything drastic yet – skin remodels for over a year. If you lost weight in 2022, your skin should continue to get better until mid 2023.

  58. MechanicalPencil*

    Hope everyone is enjoying their long weekend.

    I’ve semi recently taken up strength training/weight lifting, which I’m really enjoying. Never thought I’d be a gym person, but here I am. My current sneakers are built more for walking, but they were mostly ok until my shoes started losing traction. So regardless of workout type, I need some new shoes for safety.

    Does anyone have any recommendations for their favorite workout shoe? I consulted Google, and it got overwhelming.

    1. RosyGlasses*

      If you are lifting you need to stick with flat soles – like converse. Lifting with angled or cushioned soles will throw your balance off. I like converse or Veja for lifting and then have a pair of adidas running shoes for the treadmill.

    2. Pharmgirl*

      I like the On Clouds, but I do a good amount of running and use them for both running and strength training. They might have different models and one better suited for the gym.

      If there’s one near you though, I highly recommend a sneaker store that does fittings/looks at your gait/etc. They can do a better job of tailoring the shoe to you and will have lots of options. That’s how I found my Clouds.

      1. MechanicalPencil*

        I was looking at those and might order them and see how they fit. I don’t know why buying new gym shoes is weirdly fraught feeling, but I’m definitely overthinking it all. Probably.

    4. Angstrom*

      I don’t run. For gym work I like a minimal low-heel shoe like the Merrell Vapor Glove. I think that being able to feel the floor helps me with balance.

    5. bratschegirl*

      My brother is a serious lifter, and there are specialized shoes for that, not suitable for any other activity. Check with your trainer to see if you should invest in those.

    6. kina lillet*

      I use converse but I’m generally powerlifting so being really in contact with the floor is more important to me than cushioning. I found that shoes labeled “training shoes” in the store are decent all-around gym shoes, though not good for jogging.

      But—buy what’s comfortable to you! That’s the most important thing. Unless this optimization is an interesting and pleasurable part of the hobby for you, going for “The Best” at the cost of “Functional” is not necessary or helpful for maintaining a newish hobby or habit.

  59. Breakup thread!*

    My long-time partner and I broke up this week, not because anything was “bad” but because we valued different things in a close relationship.

    Would anyone like to share stories of ending relationships that were good but just not quite right to keep going forever?

    (Happy endings preferred!)

    1. Felis alwayshungryis*

      Sure – I was with a guy for six years, we lived together, moved cities together, all of that. I went through some rough mental health stuff and decided I wanted to make changes and do something else, he liked it where he was and liked his job, so we agreed that things had run their course and went our own ways.

      15 years later I’m happily married to someone else, we have a kiddo, and (last I heard, we didn’t keep in touch despite us both having good intentions and no animosity) he is now a gay STEM teacher celebrating his second puberty.

      1. Felis alwayshungryis*

        Oh – and it must hurt a lot right now. Allow yourself to grieve in whatever constructive way works for you, and get on with doing those things that you wanted, but he didn’t. It will be okay. Internet stranger hugs!

    2. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

      Congratulations/ commiserations! I don’t have a story of my own to share but if you haven’t already trawled through the captain awkward archives, I’d recommend it – I love how she & her commentariat write about relationships and breakups, and she’s a huge advocate for “it doesn’t have to be a disaster/ horror show for it to be the right decision to break up”. Good wishes for your next chapter!

      1. Breakup thread!*

        Yes, yes, I did that in advance of the breakup and should do it again now! This is the relevant one that I was thinking of including in my post, to explain the situation: https://captainawkward.com/2015/09/29/758-what-even-is-love/#more-8182

        The hard thing is “*Could* it have worked, if something (me? her? us?) were different?” And the Captain Awkward answer is, “Sure, maybe it could have, and it’s okay to break up anyway.”

        Thanks for your internet best wishes :)

    3. Anonymoose*

      A few months ago my good friend split with her husband of many years. She had put it off because he had problems and she was supporting him. In the end her decision pushed him to make changes and he’s now independent and she feels so much better. Her conversations with him are healthier now that there isn’t as much stress.

      I also separated from my partner earlier this year. Spending 24/7 with each other for two years was not good. I’m so much happier on my own.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Spending 24/7 with each other for two years was not good.

        Because of the pandemic? If so, I totally feel this. We’re not splitting up yet, but working on moving to a more affordable city where we COULD split up if we wanted/needed to.

        1. Anonymoose*

          Yes. It was okay when we could leave home and go to work, but in our area it was expected that anyone who could work at home would do so. I completely agree with this, but two people in a small space with nowhere else to go? Too much for me.

    4. ecnaseener*

      When COVID hit, I was dating a wonderful person who was in his last year of school, and who after school would be moving back to his home state permanently. So with graduation approaching we had both started thinking about whether to stay together long-distance or break up, but all of a sudden in March his campus shut down and we had to make a decision right then.

      Absolutely nothing was wrong with him or with the relationship, we both made each other happy, but I think we both sensed that long-distance would eventually fizzle out for us. So the clean break was best, but it was really really sad all the same.

      The happy ending is we stayed friends and he ended up moving back to my area last year so we’ve even gotten to hang out in person!

      1. NeonFireworks*

        Very similar story. Relationship pulled itself apart over small but inexorable incompatibilities (whether we wanted kids, etc.), now good friends, hanging out a lot.

    5. OyHiOh*

      Not me, my partner. He is the type of person who starts with friendships, and in some cases, a relationship has grown out of the friendship. He is still good friends with some of these women, in a few cases resulting in friendships that have lasted decades. Two of these women went on to marry and have children (one has a grandchild!), another has been such a dear long time friend of the family that after her relationship with my partner ended, she remained woven into the network of the larger family, and is also still one of my partner’s closest friends. My partner’s nieces and nephews call her their aunt.

      Romantic relationships don’t have to last forever. They can be good, and still not be meant to last forever. Some people are better friends than romantic partners.

      1. Breakup thread!*

        Yes, absolutely, thanks for that. I would sign on to be lifelong friends on a minute, and I hope we can come to that down the line.

    6. Perpetua*

      :raises hand:

      It was not a really long relationship in terms of actual years (2,5 years), but it was long-term in plans and feeling, and it felt like a really good relationship with a really great person, we clicked on many levels, and yet, I was anxious trying to figure out if I wanted to stay in the relationship “for life” or not, because something was missing.

      I decided to take the leap and break it off and it hurt A LOT, and there was the added weight and pain of thinking I made a mistake after all, trying to get back together, blah blah. Took me a year to truly feel at ease again.

      2 weeks after that feeling “Okay, I’m finally over my ex now, really”, I started exchanging messages with someone on an online dating site, about a month later he basically moved in with me, 6+ years later I get to call him my husband and we have an awesome toddler together and I’m REALLY happy with my (love) life.

      So I know it probably hurts a lot right now, and it will take some time before it doesn’t, but I hope and believe there are many great chapters ahead of you!

      1. Breakup thread!*

        Thank you so much for this! Yes, that sounds just like it. That was quite a brave leap of faith, and I’m happy for you that it was well-founded.

  60. Subtle Tuba*

    I don’t want to water or mow a lawn! Does anyone have experience with all-clover or other alternative ground cover? We do want to be able to walk and play on at least some of the yard (other parts will likely be meadow). We’re in the northern part of the Southeast US, so, not too dry, but summers are hot and there’s not much snow.

      1. RagingADHD*

        In some parts of the US, myoporum is invasive. Best to check on that one with your local ag extension.

    3. Generic Name*

      For others reading, anyone in the Great Plains or interior west can use buffalograss as a lawn. It is short enough naturally and doesn’t need mowing, and is native and do doesn’t require supplemental watering once established.

      You could call your county extension to get ideas. Your part of the country naturally gets lots of rain, so there should be plenty of options. The tough part is getting something low-growing.

    4. Girasol*

      I seeded plain white clover on a bare suburban yard in California and liked it very much. The biggest issue was that it bugged the neighbors, because what was lawn for me was a solid bed of evil weeds for them, and it does creep over property lines. If that’s not an issue where you are, try it. It’s a good nurse crop for other ground covers, so it’s a great way to start even if you decide to do something else after all.

      1. Subtle Tuba*

        Thanks, everyone! I did start this all by looking at my state university’s extension service online, but it hasn’t been as helpful as I had hoped. Definitely don’t want to do anything invasive; have unfortunately ruled out gill-over-the-ground (creeping Charlie) for that reason.

  61. Ellis Bell*

    What’s a food processor good for? I bake gluten free, and I recently realised I could save a lot of money processing rolled oats rather than buying oat flour. That said, only a few of my recipes call for oat flour and it seems like a big thing to purchase and store for just one thing. Is it worth paying for top line models? (I recently splashed out and bought a Le Crueset pan and trays, and my goodness why didn’t anyone tell me the difference they make?!) The importance of getting my chef’s hat on was recently brought home to me when I went on a spa day which includes lunch and they were all “Oh if you’re gluten free, then you’re having the soup”. I thought they were joking. They were not.

    1. I take tea*

      I use an immersion blender to make oat flour. It’s sturdy enough for softer foods. Actually a good immersion blender with an attatchment that can chop nuts and such is a really good substitute for a food processor. We managed with that for years.

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I don’t use mine that often but I use it for pureeing things (I don’t have a blender). So making pesto, pureeing sauce or soup. Sometimes I use the shredder disks on cheese or vegetables – it’s fast but has a bit more waste than doing it by hand.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I don’t use mine often–most recently making peanut sauce and puree-ing corn to make a corn butter.

        What I use more often is the mini processor, which makes a cup or two of whatever. Pestos, and other sauces where you want to break down nuts or chunks of veg.

        It can be a good way to make doughs–not sure how much that comes up if gluten free.

    3. BRR*

      I went through this same dilemma not too long ago. And really the answer is I don’t use it that often but there are some things that I just can’t work around. I probably use it the most for when I’m shredding a lot and certain doughs. I got the top of the line on sale (cuisinart 14 cup) because I like to cook/bake and know I will eventually put the motor to the test. From what I’ve read, if you get one you want at least a 9 or 12 cup (I can’t remember which).

      For when I do oat flour, I usually use the food processor attachment on my relatively inexpensive immersion blende though.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      It’s okay if you laugh at my answer.

      If you are just going to break up rolled oats, then I would get a little Krups coffee bean grinder.

      I paid $20 for it about 25 years ago and they are still around $20.

      I cannot kill it. It just keeps going. The blade is not dull yet.

      I have used it to:
      grind coffee
      crumb bread
      grind up egg shells

      and here’s the tough one- to grind up chaga mushrooms. Chaga when harvested is as tough as tree bark. It’s a very hard thing to cut/break up. (I was making tinctures with a friend.)

      The drawback is that the machine has limited capacity, so to get a cup of flour you’d probably have to grind up a few batches. It can get time consuming if you need a lot.

      OTOH, for the money and quality, you could keep the machine to do other things if you decided that this idea does not work for your purposes. I have a Vita Mix that I use for other things. I like to use the Krup machine for some projects because it’s simpler to clean up.

      1. E*

        I also use my coffee grinder to grind oats! Food processors won’t work for small amounts of oats because the blades are too high

      2. Chaordic One*

        I had never thought of this, but I do happen to have a little Krups coffee bean grinder that I bought for about $20.00, so I just tried it. It works great! Thank you for mentioning this!

      3. Not A Racoon Keeper*

        Yes, we have a Krup coffee grinder for coffee, and another one for spices etc. It will even do cinnamon sticks into a fine powder (although now we do that in our Vitamix dry jar, which is much much faster).

        (Side note: freshly ground cinnamon is 1000% better than most stuff you’ll get in a grocery store! highly recommend the effort!)

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I got mine when I was making a lot of jam, so pureeing fruit by the bucketload. I also use it for making spinach artichoke dip and doggy cookies. (1.75 cups rolled oats whizzed to flour, then add a cup of pumpkin purée and a half cup of peanut butter and whizz another 20 seconds to combine. Form into quarter sized balls, slightly flattened, and bake at 350 for about 14-16 minutes. I could do it by hand but with the food processor it’s done and I’m almost finished forming balls before the oven even heats up.)

      It’s one of those where I don’t necessarily use it often but when I do use it I’m glad I have it.

    6. Pharmgirl*

      I use it for lots of things! You don’t need to get anything super top of the line. Its good for shredding a lot of things quickly. You can use it for dough, pesto, sauces, hummus. Falafel or other vegetable patties/burgers. I prefer it to the stand blender for thicker things but if you have a super powered blender like vitamix it may just be an extras gadget. I believe you can make dry flours with the vitamix so if you already have one you may not need a food processor.

      1. Imtheone*

        I was given my Cuisinart food processor almost 40 years ago and it’s still going strong. Maybe you can find a used one?
        Some things I use it for: mixing bread dough and kneading; mixing pie crust dough. (I realize less useful if you are gluten-free.)
        Chopping or slicing vegetables for a stew base (sauté chopped carrots, onions, and celery, then sauté the stew meat, add broth, other vegetables and cook.
        Puréing
        Slicing potatoes or carrots
        Chopping ingredients for potato pancakes.

        I also have an immersion blender with a mini food processor attachment. If that works for making oat flour, maybe give it a try. It might be enough for your purposes.

    7. kina lillet*

      My husband makes granola every week with our food processor, but I’m a more sporadic user. It’s helpful for shredding—I would never make latkes without it. I also make a wonderful black bean burger (it’s called the Really Awesome Black Bean Burger on seriouseats and is gf with a sub for the bread crumbs). It’s really wonderful for making pesto, too—come to think of it I really love it haha. I have a nicer cuisinart and I think it’s worth it, the motor is an absolute powerhouse.

    8. CTT*

      I use mine for grating Parmesan and making the dupe of the Chipotle vinaigrette. Obviously I’m not making those on the daily, but it’s really helpful when I need it!

      And you don’t need to buy a nice one; I think I got the second-cheapest at Target.

    9. beep beep*

      It’s so much faster to make latkes/potato pancakes with a food processor than chopping everything by hand! A Jewish friend turned me onto their ratio of 4 potatoes:1 onion in the processor, squeezing out the liquid, and adding a flour binder (though I imagine you could sub wheat flour out easily for GF). Then you just have to form the patties and fry!

      1. Ellis Bell*

        Okay this might be the clincher. Potatoes are even more of a staple in gf cooking and gluten free rosti and pancakes recipes are easy to find. The only thing that puts me off homemade is all the prep.

    10. Ellis Bell*

      Thank you for all these brilliant ideas and suggestions – I love the coffee grinder one, that might get me by while I shop around. Those of you who think I might not need it for doughs and pastry; not so! I’m always making gf pizza bases, flatbreads and pastry crusts because the ones you buy are both extortionate and godawful. Definitely tempted by homemade hummus and pesto, too.

      1. Forgotten username*

        I have a small (maybe 3 cups??) food processor I got as a gift from my former in-laws. The marriage ended over 10 years ago, but the food processor is still working great. I never use it except for making hummus and that alone makes it worth keeping! (Again, it’s small so doesn’t take up much space.) Homemade hummus is so easy to make and it’s hard to go back to storebought now.

    11. FashionablyEvil*

      If you’re not doing large quantities, another option is the Cuisinsart Mini Prep. It’s a smaller capacity and I use it all the time for quick sauces like pesto, salsa fresca, peanut sauce, etc. I use it way more often than my full size Cusinart. (Although my MIL who HATES chopping vegetables, and, for reasons unclear to me does not own a proper box grater, uses hers ALL the time.)

    12. Observer*

      I have (and have had) both high end and fairly basic models. What you get depends a lot on what you want to do, and how much you use it. You might want to get a more basic model for not too much and upgrade if you find you can really use the additional features in the higher end models, get one.

      I find that if you are going to be using for dough a lot, you want a better model. In any case if you want to do dough, you need to look for either a dough hook or a plastic blade in addition to the regular metal “S blade” (the S blade is the workhorse of most food processors)

      For chopping and shredding, a fairly basic model works. You pay more for more capacity. Depending on what you are doing that can be extremely useful. On the other hand if you expect to be doing small quantities a lot, either get a smaller capacity or get a model that has multiple bowls / a small bowl insert. That’s an option that generally only shows up on the higher end models.

      Another really nice feature is an adjustable slicer. Some Kitchen Aid models have a slicer blade where you can adjust the thickness of the slices. I have it on the machine I use for Passover and I LOVE it. On my year round machine, I don’t have it and I don’t miss it because I cook VERY differently during Passover and the rest of the year. Most really basic models generally have one slicing blade, but some of the mid-range and all of the high end models (that don’t have adjustable slicers) have 2 slicer blades that are different thicknesses.

      A couple of things you might possibly like, but generally are only options on higher end models are citrus juicer and pasta maker. There may be other attachments as well that the higher end models have.

      One thing to check for is that there are at least 2 shredding sizes. Most models have that, but I’ve seen a few that don’t. You don’t need to get a high end machine for that (just read the box carefully).

    13. Llellayena*

      Pesto, chopped nuts/nut flour, gluten-free pignoli cookies (the almond paste is near impossible to mix by hand and is too stiff for a regular mixer). With the right blades you can coarse-chop veggies. Salsa, tapenade, chutney.

    14. Overeducated*

      I mostly use mine for pizza dough (Frog Commissary Cookbook recipe uses food processor instead of kneading) and grating large quantities of vegetables. I’m not sure if you need “top of the line” or what that is, but I have a Cuisinart one that’s lasted 20 years so far, and a friend has a mini-Cuisinart one she bought at a yard sale that’s clearly much older.

      I used to use mine for blending soups and such, but now use an immersion blender, and for ease of use (no more pouring hot liquids between pots) I think it’s totally worth owning both.

    15. fhqwhgads*

      Hummus, pesto, vegan ricotta, various other dips, blitzing hardish candies for sprinkling onto other desserts, making your own peanut/almond/cashew butter, making your own aioli if you’re into that, mixing various doughs if you don’t have a mixer.

    16. Girasol*

      I have this one: Cuisinart DLC-2ABC Mini-Prep Plus 24-Ounce Food-Processor, $40 from Amazon, about the size of a small coffee can. I use it for finely chopped cole slaw, ground veggies for meat loaf (instead of bread crumbs), pureeing cottage cheese into a sort of high protein creme fraiche for over fruit, and making homemade tomato sauce from garden tomatoes. I make quarts and quarts of tomato sauce at harvest time and just process it in small batches. I didn’t think I’d really use a food processor until I saw an old Cuisinart mini in the second hand store for $2, and thought, why not? I’ll try it out for that price and donate it back if I don’t find enough use for it. But I loved it and wore it out.

    17. Random Bystander*

      I would recommend the Cuisinart Mini-Prep Plus (it’s got a 24 oz capacity but only costs around $40 and is pretty small). I use it frequently to make pesto and a few other things.

    19. HannahS*

      Making bread dough. My experience is with gluten-full, not gluten-free, but a lot of people don’t realize that you can make amazing dough (including cookie dough; it creams butter well) in a food processor.

      I also use it to chop veggies, if I’m in a rush, making a huge stew, and don’t want to cut mirepoix by hand! Same for puree. I’ve started making more Indian food (mostly using Swasthi’s Recipes website) and she has a tool she calls a grinder, but I just use my food processor and it comes out great.

  62. Imtheone*

    Suggestions on what to do/give a friend who just got a cancer diagnosis.
    She had a lumpectomy while I was out-of-town, so is recovering well from that. But she may have some additional treatments ahead. Due to dietary issues, I can’t drop off a meal or food. (She keeps kosher, my kitchen is not kosher. No kosher restaurants where we live.)
    I’ve thought about sending a good book or audio book. In the pre-ebook days, I would have sent a book.
    Thanks for any suggestions.

    1. MaxKitty*

      Maybe kosher hard candies? A family member undergoing cancer treatment really appreciated fruit-flavored hard candies.

      Magazines-easy to pick up and put down as the mood strikes

    2. FashionablyEvil*

      Flowers are always cheerful (just send them in a vase so there’s no work on her end). Also, you might double check with her about the meal—I know some folks who are strictly kosher, but others will eat a vegetarian meal even if not prepared in a kosher kitchen.

      Any errands you can run for her? Grocery delivery gift card?

    3. Bluebell*

      There are some kosher options on goldbelly. If it worked for your schedule and her comfort level, maybe you could offer to come over and prep a set of meals in her kitchen, while she relaxes and watches.

    4. J C Books*

      Gas gift cards or rides to treatments?
      If you have mutual friends, a card chain is nice. Map out a calendar for the month. You mail a card every Monday. someone mails one on every Tuesday, another friend every Wednesday. The cards could be ” just thinking of you” and you could share a fun memory, etc. It is important that the cards do not have words trying to explain “why” or have worn out sayings
      about “Everything happens for a reason, etc.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Flowers. A book. (I read standard books while recovering from various treatments.) A cheerful plant–either very hard to kill (my garden center has some blooming cacti) or the sort of thing you’re meant to enjoy while it flowers and then compost (super market mini rose shrub).

    6. Overeducated*

      I think a book is always a great gift. And if you see something nice that makes you think of her, a text or a note is always nice, just to know you’re in someone’s heart.

      1. Snoozing not schmoozing*

        If she had a lumpectomy, she was probably back to normal activities the next day or two with just some restrictions of lifting and strenuous things. When I had mine, I’d have been pretty offended at getting “invalid” gifts.

  63. I'm A Little Teapot*

    I need a raincoat. Any recommendations? Female, size small, would like a hood. Removable lining a plus but not required. Classic styling preferred. The last time I looked for a raincoat I had zero luck and ended up with something that fell apart in a year.

    1. fposte*

      I find the outdoorsy vendors like Lands’ End, L.L. Bean, Eddie Bauer, etc. are a reliable go-to for outerwear, and they offer a lot of variety in styling, lengths, linings, etc.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I like Columbia for outdoor brands. I have a light rain jacket from them that is great in spring/early fall and can be layered with a fleece zip up (also Columbia) when it’s cold. Not very cute or stylish but it’s held up for 3 or 4 years so far

    2. GraceC*

      The Cornish company Seasalt has some lovely raincoats – and I think they have a 20% end-of-summer sale on right now!

    3. Observer*

      I’ve had excellent luck with London Fog. Every one of the coats I got from them lasted many years of heavy use. And, yes, classic styling because I don’t want my coat to scream “Last decade” when I walk into a building.

    5. Rainy*

      The “Donatella” coat from Mycrapac is very expensive but drop-dead gorgeous. It has an accordion pleated hood so when the hood is not up it makes a beautiful collar. Most of the coats are reversible so you get two different colors. They come in mini, short, and long. Note: You can’t really hem them since they are reversible, and if you are really short the long one might be too long on you. I kept trying them on and lusting for one and finally bit the bullet and I adore it. Watch out for really cheaply priced ones, they may be from scam websites.

    6. Smol Book Wizard*

      Lands End if you want a more boxy/trenchcoat fit, REI if you prefer more fitted! I have had and loved both. The REI Elements jacket… I think it was the now-defunct La Selva style… lasted me from high school through grad school and looked beautifully sharp the whole time.

  64. Susie*

    I got a rain coat from Everlane that I love. I got the Anorak, but they also have a coat called a Long Mac Coat, which might be the more traditional look you want.

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