updates: intern wants me to drive him to and from work, and more

Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. Intern wants me to drive him to and from work

Thank you for your support and insight. I’m so appreciative of your comments.

Some items, to clarify:
– I’m female; boss is female; husband is male; intern is male.
– Boss made promises to the college consortium and to her boss that the intern will have a good experience. Taking on a college intern is a pilot program for us.
– Intern gets a salary and additional monthly lump sum for living expenses, like rent, transportation, etc.
– I did pick him up from the airport and drove him to his rental. He had found a room to rent from a family. On his first day of work, I picked him up and drove him to work. After introducing him to everyone, I drove him to the bus central office to help him get acquainted with the schedules and such. No good deed goes unpunished! I believe this is when he decided he preferred to get chauffeured.
– I don’t know how he found out where I live because I never told him nor drove him to my house. I think my boss or coworkers told him.

The update:

I did leave town for work and took a few days off for vacation. Before I left, I told him he had to find a way to get to work on his own. When I returned, I found out he managed to get a bicycle to ride to work. None of my coworkers nor my boss drove him to and from work while I was gone. He told me he fell off his bike once and hurt himself. Then he said it was uncomfortable riding a bicycle in hot weather. I commiserated but did not offer anything more.

I asked my husband why he said it was no big deal and why he did not have my back. He had no response.

I have learned so much from this. Thank you, kind commenters. You are the best.

2. Should I warn my coworkers about my chin tuck? (#2 at the link)

My chin liposuction/implant went smoothly and I am so happy I didn’t put it off. I have gained a lot of comfort from looking like my former self. The day before I left, I spoke in person to coworkers telling them to expect bruising on my neck from a procedure when I returned. I gave them permission to share this information if other coworkers asked after my wellbeing. Our department is tiny, so I only had to have this conversation once. I kept it light, and they thanked me for the heads up.

I ended up needing 12 days to recover. My post-op materials said I could return to work after a week, but a week would have been too soon. The bruising visible outside of a standard size mask had faded to an almost imperceptible yellow, but I would have been exhausted, wearing a mask for more than an hour was painful, and I couldn’t speak normally. After 12 days, I had energy, I could wear a mask all day, and I could speak without mumbling. I returned to the office as a full-time mask wearer. Even when the swelling went down and the chin bruises faded 2 weeks later, I never stopped wearing one! It feels good not participating in cold/flu/Covid season.

I’m pretty sure my neck bruises were never seen, but I’m still glad I shared a warning, just in case. I think the moral of the story ended up being not about the bruises but about having ample recovery time! I am so glad that I didn’t promise to return to work after the bare minimum of 7 days. I had a little voice in my head saying because it was cosmetic I didn’t “need” to have as much rest as after a “real” procedure, but of course the body heals when it heals. Thank you to the readers for being so respectful and to those who shared what to expect.

3. My team lead ignores my work schedule (#4 at the link)

A lot of my stress was due to having grad school classes every day, so when my workday was finished I had more work to do, and anything keeping me longer was pushing into my very limited free time. I started to more vocally push back with the calls, and I’d say at the start of a meeting that I had to get off at 3, which really helped.

The thing that was most helpful, though, was I got a promotion and moved to another team. I directly worked with my boss on the new team, and he actively encouraged me to push back on anything outside my hours, so I got a lot better at that. I also got better at realizing what was important for me to be at, and I added more flexibility since I didn’t need to deal with traffic. I increased my flexibility when I finished grad school and got my master’s degree, because at that point I knew that once I put in my 40 work hours each week, I’d be done for good and not moving on to different work.

My new team sent regular updates about work life balance and core hours but then would regularly schedule things outside core hours. With my boss’s support I would skip unimportant meetings that were outside my hours. I’m in a much better place now, protecting my time but attending meetings if necessary. And because of my flexibility, I got to end the day at 1 PM last Friday because I’d worked extra hours attending a late meeting earlier in the week! There have also been no professional repercussions due to me protecting my hours and missing less important meetings; I just got the highest rating and bonus possible on my annual appraisal.

{ 108 comments… read them below }

  1. exoboist1*

    Good job in #1! You truly were being punished for being a helpful soul at the beginning. But well done on staying strong and not re-offering help you didn’t want to give.

  2. Wendy T*

    Great job holding your ground LW#1! I hope your husband takes it as a lesson on how to be a supportive partner and affirm your feelings

    1. Mobius 1*

      To be fair, “I have learned so much from this.” could absolutely include “One of the things I have learned is that my husband is not someone I can count on to have my back when I’m not there, and I should start making some phone calls.”

      1. Ellie*

        Yes, and people who were pressuring OP to be nice and keep driving the intern, weren’t exactly falling over themselves to do the same when OP was not available.

  3. LMC*

    Good Job #1! Unfortunately I can see a lot of myself in the intern when I was young, being nervous and scared being on my own for the first time, and clinging to someone helpful. But the best thing you could have done is let him figure stuff out on his own – it really is going to help him the most in the long run.

    1. Van Wilder*

      I don’t know LW’s husband but I know that mine is a chronic people pleaser. And the more distant the connection, the greater the need to please. I can see his first instinct being to help this random intern if at all possible.

  4. Pastor Petty Labelle*

    If Boss in #1 overpromised on the intern experience why didn’t she drive the intern around?

    As for the husband, I too have no response.

    1. Manic Pixie HR Girl*

      My guess is Boss didn’t overpromise, and being an Intern Chauffer was not part of the deal, but Boss was worried about what Intern would say. It’s Customer is Always Right Syndrome at its worst.

      1. Beany*

        It’s weird, because employees of a company aren’t usually treated like its customers, and we usually hear about interns being treated *worse* than regular employees.

        It makes me wonder whether this intern is the son of an important client or something.

        1. Hlao-roo*

          In the update, the OP states: “Boss made promises to the college consortium and to her boss that the intern will have a good experience. Taking on a college intern is a pilot program for us.”

          Sounds to me like the boss viewed the college consortium as a client/customer of sorts, and the intern as their envoy.

        2. Van Wilder*

          The interns are the best-treated people in my company. Get them hooked on the kool-aid with trips to Disney, then suck them back in for a lifetime of being overworked.

          1. Princess Sparklepony*

            Yes, there is a law joke about just that. The summer internship program is not what hell really looks like.

    2. anne of mean gables*

      Somehow out of all the people who are behaving sub-optimally in this letter (basically everyone but the letter-writer IMO), I am most annoyed with the husband.

      1. SpaceySteph*

        I personally am most annoyed with the boss. So presumptuous to act entitled to the OP’s outside of work time.

        Husband at least has knowledge of the OP’s outside-of-work schedule, finances (as it pertains to gas money, insurance risk, etc), car situation, and so on. (Granted, he should have backed up his wife just as a rule, but at least he’s got some awareness of the situation that boss does not have)

        1. Observer*

          Husband at least has knowledge of the OP’s outside-of-work schedule, finances (as it pertains to gas money, insurance risk, etc), car situation, and so on. (Granted, he should have backed up his wife just as a rule, but at least he’s got some aw

          Which is all the more reason he should have had her back.

          That is *not* to excuse the boss. She was being totally out of line. Even if she had reason to believe that this was not an issue financially or schedule wise, it was *still* utterly out of line. You simply don’t commit your employee’s personal time and resources to coddle someone.

        2. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

          Husband is the person who most owes the OP loyalty & support.
          For better, for worse, for interns …..

        3. House On The Rock*

          I have different levels of annoyance with/judgement of the husband and the boss. Since this is (primarily) a column dedicated to work, I also judge the boss most harshly because she is the one directly impacting the OP’s work experience with her misguided directions. Husband can weigh in all he wants, but he’s not the one who created the initial situation.

          That being said, if my spouse learned I was being required to chauffeur an anxious intern around because they couldn’t be bothered to figure out transportation, I’d be the one writing to AAM about “my husband wants to confront my boss about her unreasonable demands!”.

        4. Ellie*

          I’m most annoyed at the intern. He sounds like a real user, and any decent person would have picked up that their hints weren’t welcome and would have stopped pushing. Most interns want to make a good impression, this one sounds extremely entitled.

      2. Not Tom, Just Petty*

        My vote was, “I fell (off my bicycle) and hurt myself.” Followed by a pause I will call pregnant, because it’s seems intern feel OP was at one time pregnant with him and now is responsible for boo boos and ouchies.
        Until I read about husband. He’s being a dick.

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        Me too. At least one could argue that everyone else had a perceived professional stake in the intern’s experience (no matter how exaggerated) but the husband apparently just didn’t see a problem with the LW being converted into an uncompensated chauffer for the duration. I would question him closely as to how he’d feel being volun-told to drive someone around for weeks at a time.

        1. Ellie*

          Well that’s the thing, we don’t know what he’d do. He might be a real people pleaser who of course would have driven the intern around. Or he could be a selfish user who treats OP like a servant. We don’t know which it is.

    3. Dust Bunny*

      I doubt that she intended to mean “would have a good experience” to include “would have a personal driver”, because reasonable people don’t assume things like that. But once Intern turned out to be unreasonable Boss should have been more firm.

      1. Palliser*

        And really, Boss would have been doing the intern a service by reinforcing what is and isn’t commonly included with an internship.

    4. OMG, Bees!*

      Boss in #1 can provide a company-paid bus pass to encourage the bus system. Or pay for Uber/Lyft if they really want to have someone drive the intern.

  5. Light Dancer*

    #1: It sounds as if that intern was very immature, very sheltered and had none of the drive towards independence that makes one eager to transition from “the nest” of family life to being on one’s own in young adulthood. OP, you successfully helped to nudge him out of the nest-mentality and onto the track of maturity! Hopefully, he’ll now learn to use the bus system as well; it’s preferable to riding a bike when it’s raining or snowing.

    And hopefully he’ll also stop dropping hints about how nice it would be if someone would show him around the city on weekends, too. Best case scenario: he Googles local events and places of interest to him (sports, museums, movies, concerts, clubs, political / social cause headquarters, libraries, etc.) and starts going to them, in the process starting to make friends of his own age with whom he has more in common. He’ll then be well on the way to becoming a full-fledged grownup!

      1. Light Dancer*

        Meetup groups are a great idea! Whatever his niche interests may be, there’s sure to be a Meetup group that will put him in touch with like-minded people who share his interests!

    1. SpaceySteph*

      Right? I moved to a new city this summer, I find things to do on the internet. That doesn’t mean I don’t happily accept recommendations from coworkers if they offer them, but I don’t make it their job to show me around town.

    2. Where’s the Orchestra?*

      Yeah – there is a wold of difference between “I’m new to the area, can you suggest some cool things to do” and “you need to show me around the area.”

      The first is pretty normal when you’re new to an area. And even with the first, it can turn rude if one doesn’t accept I have no suggestions. The second is just presumptuous. The intern for whatever reason seemed more like the second.

      1. Angstrom*

        Exactly. I’m happy to send new folks links to local events listings and local resources for sports/hobbies/interests they mention. I’m not signing up to be a personal tour guide every weekend.

      2. UrbanGardener*

        Yes, or walking them around the blocks around the office if you’re in the city if you take them to lunch on their first day – here’s a great coffee shop/restaurant, this park has free concerts on the weekend, etc. That’s within the bounds of normal to me, but he should be able to figure out the rest for himself.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      Which is exactly what he DID do once the LW was no longer available. He tried to pull the “but boo boos and hot weather” routine once she was back in the office, but he clearly managed to find his own way around once his cushions were taken away. He can learn the bus schedule just as well, too.

      I get feeling at sea and scared in a whole new, “grown up” situation in a new city, but allowing him to demand to be carried like a kid at the zoo isn’t doing him or future employers any favors.

    4. Keith Tipton*

      I think this, too. Intern hasn’t been pushed to be adult, try new things, be uncomfortable, learn to ride a bus (or don’t be afraid of it, which may be why a bike was somehow preferable), etc. Lots of newby college kids don’t have some essential skills thanks to the pandemic shutdowns and related problems during college, but this could also be a result of helicopter parenting. I’m happy he figured out biking is doable.

  6. Dust Bunny*

    Then he said it was uncomfortable riding a bicycle in hot weather.

    “Fortunately, Intern, the buses are air-conditioned.”

    1. Jackalope*

      Also, don’t know about their city, but in mine you can put bikes on the front of buses, so get the best of both worlds.

      1. Lexi Vipond*

        I think you must mean what I would express as IN the front of the bus, but I am now imagining your buses festooned with colourful bikes, which is an oddly cheering image. Although it might make it hard for the driver to see out!

        1. Hlao-roo*

          In my city, the buses have a metal rack on the front. When not in use, it just looks like a few metal bars on the front of the bus. You can fold it down and put a bike on top, so the bike(s) sit just below the front windshield on the outside of the bus.

          1. Lexi Vipond*

            Ooh, that is clever! I think I’ve only ever seen bikes piled into the bus, or very occasionally in a separate trailer, but it’s not common here at all.

        2. Ama*

          There are definitely cities where the bike racks are mounted on the outside of the bus! (it usually sits just below the front window)

        3. DataSci*

          In my area there are attachments on the outside front of the buses (below the windshield) to attach bicycles. So, yes, on, but not exactly “festooned”.

        4. Dust Bunny*

          No, on: Ours are on the exterior front of the buses.

          You know those fold-down platforms that people put on the back of their cars to hold scooters, etc.? They’re kind of like that.

          1. Lexi Vipond*

            I don’t think I do know them, actually – bike racks here are usually more clippy, or the bikes stand on top of the car. But I’m learning!

      2. Anatical Tree Hugger*

        Agreed! Bike+bus is my ideal mode of transit. Flexibility, distance, and way less hassle around parking (in my city, at least).

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      Oh, no, discomfort! Boy, it’s almost like adult life/the world isn’t set up to magically alleviate discomfort, Intern!

    3. Marzipan Shepherdess*

      I wonder if the intern has never HAD to use public transportation; he may have come from an area in which everyone has a car and/or buses are few and far between, so everyone drives. And since he doesn’t have a car himself, he may indeed have relied on the adults in his life to drive him around. But there it is – learning to navigate your community by yourself is part of adulting!

      1. Zombeyonce*

        Speaking as someone that moved to a city for college where I didn’t have a car after having one as a teen and having no public transportation experience, I can say that learning to use the bus system can be very daunting. The only time I used one, I ended up lost in the middle of a suburb and couldn’t find my way back home for hours (this was before rideshares, smartphones, and apps/websites telling you how to get to where you needed to go). I didn’t board a bus again until they invented a travel app. It can be a very scary thing to learn in an unfamiliar city.

        That being said, I still managed to get myself to the places I needed to be and dealt with it like a grown-up. Someone just needed to tell the intern to do it himself, which worked just fine.

      2. Dust Bunny*

        I said this on the original post: I grew up in the suburbs and went to college in a small town where there are no buses, I have some anxiety issues, I have zero sense of direction, and I have a learning disability that makes it easy for me to read numbers incorrectly. I still managed to learn to ride the bus and have never yet ended up on the wrong line. Plus, Intern is doing this in the Internet age. If Intern can graduate from college and get an internship, Intern almost certainly can do this.

    4. I went to school with only 1 Jennifer*

      Seriously? I mean, I’m a big fan of busses, but in my experience, only the express/commuter buses got the a/c, and regular city buses did not. (And sooo many people never even open the windows!)

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        This probably varies by city, because where I live I’m pretty sure all of the current fleet of city buses have AC. Back in the 90s, some of the older buses didn’t, but I think the whole fleet does now. I haven’t been on a city bus without air conditioning in decades.

        1. allathian*

          Depends on the climate. But even in Finland modern buses do have AC because a comfortable temperature for the driver is an occupational health and safety issue. I haven’t ridden on a bus without AC since the early 00s.

        1. Dust Bunny*

          And I don’t think the windows are even intended to open unless you need to escape in an emergency.

  7. Risha*

    LW1, thank you for the update. Please continue to hold firm and not be this intern’s personal driver. He managed to get to/from work when you weren’t there. And no one else even bothered to offer him a ride. So please do not do it either. It’s unfortunate that riding a bike is uncomfortable for him, but that’s on him to figure out an alternate way. It should not be on you.

    Also, imo there should be a serious conversation with your husband. He should have a response to your asking him about not having your back. You should always have your spouse’s back because your spouse comes first, no matter what. Think about if him not having your back is part of a pattern for him, or if it’s just a one off event.

      1. Ama*

        I really hope he wasn’t really listening when she first told him about it and didn’t fully grasp what LW was being asked to do. I’ve called my husband out a few times when I am talking to him and he gives responses like he’s listening but later doesn’t remember our conversation at all — and sometimes he completely changes his opinion from what he originally told me once he’s actually paying attention.

        1. Spinner of Flax*

          Wives repeat themselves when husbands don’t listen the first time they speak! Want your wife to stop repeating herself? LISTEN to her the first time!

    1. rebelwithmouseyhair*

      yeah because he was shown to be very much in the wrong yet no apology was mentioned.

  8. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

    I love these updates! With the chin tuck one I totally understand the ‘underestimated recovery time’ thing.

    1. NotRealAnonForThis*

      Story time – when I had Achilles reconstruction, I worked remotely for the first week post op after the long weekend I took to have it done. Because whatever pantheon of your choice forbid that I take sufficient recovery time.

      Friends, there are holes in the space time continuum and I cannot TELL you how many things I later found that I’d completed, competently thankfully, but completed and submitted, while on painkillers that caused me ZERO recollection of the tasks!!!!!

      That could have gone completely sideways in so many ways.

      1. Dust Bunny*

        I got a minor abscess in my leg years ago and thought it was absurd that I had to stay home from work for a week because of something so minor–surely I could keep the leg elevated and type at the same time, right?

        Y’all, I was so out on first the pain meds and then on the stuff they gave me to settle my stomach once we found out that I can’t do narcotics that I was out cold most of that week, anyway.

    2. MigraineMonth*

      Yeah, I remember hearing “6-8 weeks for recovery” and thinking, “I’m (fairly) young and healthy, six weeks should be plenty, and in three months I’ll be back to my usual level of activity.”

      Dear reader, I was not.

    3. BubbleTea*

      I don’t recall precisely how many days post-partum I was when I needed to attend (via Teams) a meeting for a voluntary role I was and still am very committed to, but it was not enough days for sitting to be comfortable and I really had not expected that to be a problem, naively.

    4. ferrina*

      Yes! I loved that one- it’s so true that bodies are going to heal in their own time! I’m so glad LW listened to their body and took care of themself. That sounds like it would have been utterly miserable to try to work through! Sounds like LW handled everything about that beautifully.

    5. Avery*

      Not in a work-related way, thankfully, but I definitely underestimated my recovery time for my recent top surgery revision. I thought “well it’s not a big to-do, it’s just fixing up what was done in a previous surgery” forgetting that it’s still a fairly major surgery in and of itself, that I had to be out for two hours…
      I took a day or two to act slowly, then pretty much did my normal activity for the next week… the end of which I was exhausted and in pain. I learned my lesson, albeit a little too late.
      Thankfully, my work is remote and my recovery issues were all to do with physical activity (aside from the first day or two, perhaps), so it never directly impacted my work life. Just… everything else.

  9. Richard Hershberger*

    LW1: This is, in retrospect, the perfect nonconfrontational solution: Take a vacation, forcing either the kid to figure it out or someone else to take on driving duties. Either way, return and just don’t go back to doing it.

    1. MigraineMonth*

      Yeah, that’s a good way to “cut the apron strings”. (I know OP isn’t intern’s mom, but they were kinda acting like she was.)

  10. BellyButton*

    I hope in 5 yrs when AAM has a request for “Things you did early in your career that make you cringe now” we see a letter from the intern! I truly hope someone has told them this isn’t ok and they really need to figure out things on their own.

  11. NYNY*

    LW1, Glad it worked out. Frankly, boss should report this back to college as to why this experience was not optimal.

    1. Light Dancer*

      But not before having a professional “heart to heart” talk with the intern about the norms expected of adults at work. If the intern is left abashed, regretful, embarrassed and determined
      to do better now that he’s seen the light – AND proves it by his behavior! – then I don’t see what good it will do to contact the college about him. After all, part of adulting is learning to deal with workplace norms on your own; if OP’s company expects the intern to act like the adult he’s supposed to be, they need to treat him like one.

    2. MigraineMonth*

      Eh, only if the intern actually complains. Intern was overly-dependent, but he’s also new to the working world and area, and he was getting mixed messages as to whether or not it was appropriate to ask for rides. If boss had told him that he would have to find his own transportation, instead of undermining OP, I think he would have gotten the hint sooner.

  12. Dasein9 (he/him)*

    Good for you for standing firm, LW1! Among the lessons learned from the pilot program may be, “Communicate clearly with interns regarding housing and transportation,” and, “Do not make intern wrangling a burden for team members.”

    1. Observer*


      And for OP, a learning could be how to grey rock a bit.

      Like this time, when you came back and he complained to you – you just didn’t take the bait. No argument, just… nothing. Which is *perfect*.

  13. ImHereForTheUpdates*

    LW1 – I am always anew amazed how conditioned we are as women to do these things. Why can’t it be just – sorry can’t drive ya today. And have that be okay. Clearly nobody else felt compelled to drive the intern. Sigh… It’s hard to say No as a complete sentence and not feel bad about it. Kudos to LW1!

  14. redflagday701*

    “He told me he fell off his bike once and hurt himself. Then he said it was uncomfortable riding a bicycle in hot weather. I commiserated but did not offer anything more.”

    This makes me think of the story about the older male employees who sat there loudly commenting that it would be so nice if someone made coffee while the female employee ignored them and went about her business. Intern is on a track to join those fellas, if he’s not careful!

    1. NYNY*

      But employer should be setting him straight. Boss was awful, and should have told this guy weeks ago, you have to figure out how to get to work

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        That is a pretty basic part of adult life and job having! I can promise that future employers will have little interest in how hot it is to ride a bike to work or whatever. (They probably should but that’s another argument.) But if it comes down to a hiring decision between Intern and Person Who Did Not Complain About The Bus, I’m guessing it’s a fairly easy guess as to who gets the job.

    2. MigraineMonth*

      I still chuckle at the image of those men sitting around the coffeemaker, staring at it forlornly, for an hour every day. I’m embarrassed to say I sometimes put off cross-training on certain tasks so I don’t get stuck with them, but I’ve always learned if it became important. I’ve never had that level of commitment to weaponized incompetence.

  15. ScruffyInternHerder*

    So as my handle implies, one portion of my job description at one point involved supervision of the departmental summer intern(s). Typically only one, sometimes two. I may or may not have thrown down a line from Star Wars and the handle may have been born.

    This might be derailing or slightly off topic, but I’m finding myself a bit troubled that a “good experience was promised” to the college consortium by the boss. What exactly does THAT mean? There needs to be some sort of plan, metric, something concrete with interns. What’s expected, what they’re to do/perform/learn/etc. I do hope that was in place. The point in my career where I supervised interns, we had a ROBUST internship program, as in supervisors were volunteers who took management training in order to qualify as supervisors, and our jobs were adjusted accordingly during the internships (some of my workload was transferred and supervision of interns did not create additional unpaid work for me, similar for all supervisors).

    Similarly, they received a (really very decent) salary for the COL in the area, a stipend for housing, and a stipend for transportation if warranted (could be a pass for transportation, could be a set amount for cab fares, could be parking costs, it varied depending on location). We also had an internship coordinator (think HR specifically for interns, though it was a full year position) who made sure that these college aged interns understood what was what. Certainly none of them came in the door expecting a daily driver.

    Hopefully there were some positives from this takeaway, as it was a pilot program for your company. Hopefully someone has at least put a little framework in place. Because as many things about that place sucked (and some of them did like a rabid vampire), that we had a solidly trained pool of potential hires that we absolutely hired from with a lot of success was NOT one of the sucky parts. A good internship program is absolutely worth its weight in gold to all involved.

    1. Observer*

      I was thinking about this.

      OP, you may want to have a conversation about this with your boss and grandboss. The idea is that yes, you should commit to making it a good experience, and to that end you (the employer) will provide meaningful work, supervision and some *work* mentorship in a context that is respectful of the intern. But that does not, should not, and even CANNOT mean treating interns like royalty who are deigning to visit the slums, and coddling them.

      So much so, that I would think about actually telling the consortium about this. Because they might want to provide some sort of mentoring and guidance to these young people about what workplace appropriate behavior is. Both “How to be a good intern and gain something from your experience” but also “the basics of behavior in most workplaces.”

  16. CheesePlease*

    Also LW#1 a reminder that if the intern goes back to their college and says their experience was bad, and the college asks for specifics, stating “well a manager was driving me to the office every day for weeks but then she was on vacation and I didn’t like taking the bus even though they gave me a transportation stipend and I got paid” is not a valid criticism of the intern program.

    1. NYNY*

      Unfortunately, unless Boss reports first, intern may say, professional staff refused to help me and was uncaring.

      1. Ally McBeal*

        Yeah, but whoever is doing these post-internship intakes isn’t going to stop there – they’re going to ask probing questions, and follow-up with the employer is also part of that process anyway. It’s not a race to who will report the issue first – your side of the story doesn’t have more merit than anyone else’s just because you blurted it out your mouth before anyone else.

  17. Not A Manager*

    “I asked my husband why he said it was no big deal and why he did not have my back. He had no response.”

    I know this is a workplace site, and yet I feel that the real story lies here.

    1. Not my coffee*

      The story will probably not be addressed to the satisfaction of many of the commenters here.

      The answer may be husband is a people pleaser. As a recovering people pleaser I think back to some of my thought processes. Let me share some thoughts that really felt logical and appropriate to me in the moment:

      -You don’t like your part of the project? I’ll do it for you, that way you don’t have deal with not liking that part of the project.
      -You don’t like talking to that person for a trivial reason? I’ll work as a messenger between the 2 of you so you don’t have to talk to that that person.

  18. Ex-prof*

    LW 1, you did contribute to making sure the intern had a good experience. After all, he was there to learn about the adult working world, and you taught him that part of the adult working world is getting one’s own a** to work, even if one falls on it sometimes.

  19. Pip*

    LW1 – Well done in holding your ground on no longer being this intern’s chauffeur. Good grief, that young man has nerve in spades. I can’t help but think that if you were a man, this whole situation would not have come up – as in, he wouldn’t have expected daily rides to and from work. And to then try and guilt-trip you into continuing – come on, you’re not his mom ferrying him to/from school every day. Also, it’s up to you, but you might want to tell your husband you would have really appreciated his support on this, and that he needs to have your back in the future.

  20. Bluebonnet*

    #31: I work in higher ed and can relate to getting mass emails about faculty and other higher ups getting yet more awards and promotions. Staff lime me rarely get a promotion let alone an award.

    Honestly, it gets tiring.

  21. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

    #1 Intern needs to grow up, which includes taking responsibility for transporting & entertaining himself.
    I’m surprised the boss wants to enable him – the intern must have perfected the helpless puppy eyes.

  22. Looper*

    LW1, your letter made me pound my fists on my table and shout “F*** YEAH!” Way to go, I hope reclaiming your time, life, and sanity is as satisfying to you as it was to me to read about! I also hope your husband is lavishing you with spa treatments and diamonds in penance.

  23. Addison DeWitt*

    “I’m 62, I own my home and have hit “my number”… do I really want to spend my remaining good health doing…this nonsense? Getting a new job, most likely entailing a commute and wearing actual clothes and learning new things, is probably off the table.”

    I disagree (though the fact that you apparently can work nude is unlikely to be matched elsewhere). This seems like an ideal time to leave the 9-5 job and either become a consultant, or take a less than full time job at some organization that maybe can’t afford you full-time but would be delighted to have 20 hours a week of your experience or expertise. You get a looser schedule, some income coming in, and the benefits of change. I didn’t do this at retirement (not there yet anyway) but when my kids were born, I joined a dot-com on a three day a week schedule that was thrilled to have someone with my experience and background at a comparative bargain (but still enough that it was roughly 3/5 of my then-current rate.

  24. Addison DeWitt*

    And I also meant the comment that for some reason did not post for the lightning round. Dang.

  25. Justin D*

    Is giving interns a really good experience a big thing now? The “talent” organization at my work (huge bank) had this presentation yesterday about their recent intern program and they made a big show about how they worked weekend to make sure good offers were made and etc. Seemed like overkill.

  26. happily retired now*

    #2 had me remembering when I had eye lid surgery about 15 years ago (to remove excess eyelid skin). I had two really black eyes that took about 3 weeks to heal. I didn’t wear the dark glasses they gave as I couldn’t really see out of them. I just went out and about like normal. Not one single person asked what happened. I had lots of strange looks but no one at the university I worked at or anyplace I went (supermarket, etc) ever asked about it (of course my office staff did know but no one else). I found that so odd (and sad). I’m sure folks made assumptions. If I had a broken arm or some other injury folks would have asked about it.

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