I found awful things my client said about me

by Alison Green on August 20, 2024

A reader writes:

I’m a freelance consultant. I was recently looped into an internal messaging platform for a client I’ve had a relationship with for many years. This client initially recruited me back in 2017, and I’ve worked for them off and on since. Importantly, the client is always the entity that initiates contact with me if it’s been a while since we worked together. It’s not me going to them and saying, “Hey I have XYZ to offer, do you have interest?”

When I was added to their messaging platform, I did a quick search of my name to find out if the principal had told the team I’d be coming on, so that I could either introduce myself properly or simply jump right into the project. Perhaps you see where this is going. As far as I knew, I had access to only one, private channel attached to this specific project, but the name search turned up conversations across the entire platform about me and my work dating back to 2017.

The conversations are pretty awful, and the worst take place between several people (including the firm’s principal, with whom I have the most contact) over about two months between 2017/2018. I am called lazy and arrogant and a pain in the ass. There is speculation that I am not very bright. Everyone agrees I am difficult to work with. They even had (have?) an unkind nickname for me. Then, the conversations about me mostly drop off — either my client shifted the way they used the platform, moved the talk to DMs, or deleted content, I don’t know. I understand workplace venting, but this seemed beyond that.

This is one of my longest-running clients; I have always felt that we had a positive relationship. I wasn’t told that I needed shape up or ship out. They repeatedly offer me business and ask me to work for them. A few months ago, when I announced that I was taking on new projects, the client reached out to me and said how excited they were that my time was freed up, and could I do XYZ for them? I agreed, and we’ve been meeting on a near-weekly basis since then, and every meeting is filled with the principal issuing effusive praise for my work, my intellect, my creativity, etc. The principal has described me as part of their company’s “family.” The current project doesn’t have a hard wrap-up date, and I’d estimate we’re only about a third of the way to completion.

But I can’t un-know what I know. The unkind things the principal and others who I work/worked closely with said about me hit at very personal wounds and fears for me. At present, this client is a significant part of my income stream, though I can make it work without them. I’m really dejected and full of shame about this. If I had known this client had problems with my work or my attitude, I would have tried to correct or improve those things.

I should not have searched my name; lesson learned. The shitty way I feel right now feels like the right punishment for such a bad decision. Nevertheless, I feel betrayed by people who I thought appreciated me and my work. I am successful and respected in my field, or thought I was. Now I wonder if everyone thinks I am a lazy, arrogant pain in the ass.

I’m really at a loss. I don’t know what to do.

Oh no. What a horrible feeling.

If I’m understanding correctly, though, this stopped back in 2018 — six years ago. And they’ve been regularly approaching you for work since then.

I think there’s more to this than what you saw.

First, it’s notable that it stopped so many years ago. Clearly something changed. Maybe they really thought those things back then but then something changed their perspective — maybe they got more experience working with consultants and realized that Normal Thing X that annoyed them is completely standard in the field, or they worked with a coach and learned the way they assigned work wasn’t setting anyone up for success and the things they thought were failings in you were actually caused by them, or who knows what.

It’s also possible that the firm’s principal didn’t mean the things they said at all. Some people have a habit of throwing outsiders under the bus when a project isn’t going well, or to appease an internal problem person, or even to vent frustration, when they don’t actually mean any of it. Obviously that’s an awful habit, and it means people around them shouldn’t trust anything they say, but it could be in play here.

It’s also possible that they truly found you tough to work with and still feel that way today, but continue to approach you for projects because they’ve decided the benefits of working with you outweigh the downsides. If that’s the case, this is useful data — an unvarnished view of how a client sees you that you normally wouldn’t get! You could use it as an chance to take a rigorous look at the feedback and decide whether you think there’s truth to it, whether there’s anything you want to adjust, and whether you even care.

You mentioned that the comments tapped into deeply personal fears you already had, and I’m curious whether that means you’ve already worried that you came across as the things they said? If so, okay! Now you know. That means you can decide to work on those things if you want to. For example, if you’ve always had a nagging worry that people think you’re arrogant and now you see a client calling you arrogant, maybe the right response to that is to decide that you’re going to figure out what’s giving people that impression once and for all and strategize to change it.

Or, depending on what the criticisms were, you might reasonably decide you don’t care! I have one client who I’m pretty sure is annoyed by my refusal to budge on a specific thing they want, and I don’t really care — I’m comfortable with my boundary, I’m willing to lose them if it’s a problem for them, and while I’d prefer they not be aggravated or complaining about it to each other, it’s okay if they are.

Ultimately all of this is speculation, but what we do know for sure is that in the six years since those messages were sent, they have continued to frequently approach you for work. If nothing else, they are calculating that whatever challenges they might find in working with you, they still do want to work with you.

If everyone really does think you’re a lazy, arrogant pain in the ass, they clearly think your work is good enough to trump that anyway.

And look, there’s no way seeing those comments won’t sting. Of course it does! But this is likely to be much more nuanced than just “I learned my long-time client dislikes me.”

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{ 137 comments }

{ 137 comments… read them below }

  1. Trout 'Waver*

    OP, if you ever feel conflicted about how they feel about you, look at your bank account. If the checks keep clearing, they’re voting with their money.

    1. Lusara*

      This +1000. They keep hiring you and they keep paying you, so obviously they like what you are doing.

      My guess is similar to what Alison said – they realized that the things they had issues with are actually part of what makes your work so good.

      1. Spero*

        Realizing what you thought was a personality bug is actually a feature is such a real thing! I had a supervisor I was completely annoyed by for about a year, loved her as my supervisor for the next few years we worked together, and ended up eventually moving to a new company to get her back as my supervisor a decade later. I don’t know that we’ll ever be close personal friends because some of the things I didn’t love about her might come back to the fore in a personal setting. However, at work we have SUCH a good flow and she’s challenged me to be a better employee to develop some of the characteristics she wants from me that I initially thought she was annoying for asking for.

      2. JSPA*

        When someone is surrounded by “yes men,” real input comes as a shock. It can take a while to realize the value.

        1. smirkette*

          This. Also, if you’re a woman, BIPOC, disabled, etc. all kinds of behaviors get labeled “arrogant” and “difficult.”

    2. Janabanana*

      Yes, this. They are keep hiring you so they obviously like what you are doing. And again, the comments stopped 6 years ago. It’s highly unlikely they deleted stuff but stopped at that point.

      1. Fraggled*

        OP, it sounds to me like they are a tight knit group that were venting their initial resentment at having outside “help”, fearing it somehow diminished their own abilities.

        People fear the unknown and it’s much easier to complain and criticize than address the root of the problem. It wasn’t about you back then.

        In time they got to know you, realize their fears were unfounded, and have come to really appreciate both you and your work. The praise and paychecks say so.

      3. kalli*

        They could even have been new to having a freelancer and adjusting to a slightly different communication standard/workflow. The comments stopped when they got used to it.

        We can’t really know without seeing them and being there.

        Meanwhile, they pay, they want to pay for more, go with it!

      1. B*

        And while it’s totally natural to stake your self-esteem on your clients’ opinions of you and your work, it’s also unhealthy and best avoided. A silver lining here is it may provide an opportunity to practice erecting work-life boundaries. Because there will always be bad clients, bad business breaks, bad work experiences and learning to let it flow off your back.

      1. Laser99*

        Isn’t there something called an “asshole tax”? These people have earned it, and then some. Soak them, but good.

    5. Ultimate Facepalm*

      They are not only voting with their money, but the criticisms stopped.
      I tend to get black and white with my anxiety – remember, it doesn’t invalidate you as a person and doesn’t negate everything great about you.
      I have started of disliking someone and then realized how great they are – haven’t we all done that at some point? You get used to their working style. Anna isn’t lazy at all – she just isn’t going to commit to anything until she knows the full scope of the request and does the research. She’s really dependable and now she’s a close confidant. True story.
      Maybe it’s the same with you.

    6. A Simple Narwhal*

      This is a really good point – they wouldn’t be continuously seeking you out for paid work if they didn’t like you or your work.

    7. tina turner*

      I’d wonder if the person actually wrote it. This is odd.

      But if you ever ask, she’ll probably be too embarrassed to keep working w/you. So as much as I’d want to ask, I wouldn’t. Unless you’re done w/her.

      1. Ellie*

        That’s what I thought. Mean, bitchy people ragging on the newbie. Once you weren’t new anymore, it stopped. It probably says more about them than it does about you.

  2. Baby Yoda*

    It looks like the people are the same ones you deal with now? If so, Alison is probably right in her opinion. Good luck and hope it works out.

    1. Polly*

      I feel very strongly that, based on your description of why you searched for your name, you did nothing wrong in searching and do NOT deserve to suffer because of it.

      2. SarahKay*

        Yes, this stuck out for me too. I feel the search was a perfectly reasonable thing to do given why you did it, and not a bad decision at all.
        It had a bad outcome, but that’s not your fault, and makes it an unlucky decision, not a bad one.

        1. rebelwithmouseyhair*

          Yeah I did that once when agreeing to sit on a board and blushed at the joyous reactions from other board members. OP’s clients are just not as nice a set of people as those board members.

        2. Ellie*

          Yes, OP you did nothing wrong by searching your name, I do it all the time. I’ve been with the same company so long that I forget sometimes whether I’ve worked on a project or not, so I search myself under the author name. It’s perfectly OK. What’s not OK is using company audited resources to attack someone. They’re the ones who should feel ashamed here, not you.

      3. Spero*

        I agree- searching messages by name is incredibly common. I probably search my own or someone else’s name at least once a day to track down past correspondence or messages. You did NOTHING wrong.

      4. korangeen*

        Agreed! Acting like you brought this on yourself by doing a terrible thing in searching your name is NOT the lesson learned here. There was absolutely nothing wrong with searching your name.

        But I understand it feeling like a gut punch. I’d feel awful too seeing messages like that. Hopefully Alison’s advice works to try to reason it out and get through it.

    2. Sack of Benevolent Trash Marsupials*

      I’m late but another data point in support of the “if they genuinely thought any of that back then, they probably don’t now” theory is that they gave you access to their messaging system – I’m sure if anyone remembered that there was so much negativity with your name on it back then, they might not have offered the access. But I’m sorry, I hate this for you!

  3. lunchtime caller*

    To add on to the theory about the supervisor throwing outsiders under the bus, some people and organizations really just do not handle change or newcomers well! Especially ones they see as outsiders, and triple especially if they see themselves as a “family.” Normal work requests become “who does this person think they are, ordering us around?” None of it is personal and as it seems to have done here, it all disappears as they actually get to know and trust you, and the good results of your work become evident. I would not take it as evidence that everyone hates you to this day!

    1. Daniel*

      This is a great point and I’ll bet anything that once they got sufficiently used to your presence, it came to a stop simply because they left the mentality of throwing you under the bus.

      That, or there was a single ringleader for all of this who left, and they did this came to a stop.

      They keep bringing you back, six years later! They sound excited to keep working for you. It sucks you saw all that, but it’s obvious that how they see you has changed in the meantime.

    2. Pumpkin*

      Yes, this! I’ve seen this before too — some people just go through an adjustment period where they throw tantrums, and a year later they can’t imagine life any other way. It’s unprofessional and sometimes unkind, but ultimately it fades. I’m sorry you ran into that.

      For what it’s worth, I wonder if the effusive praise you’ve gotten since then is the client’s attempt to correct course; if there was toxicity on the inside, they may have worried about how much of that came across & have since taken steps to ensure they communicate that they understand your worth.

    3. MigraineMonth*

      I think that there’s also a tendency to assume that contractors/consultants are getting paid more to do the same work (very few people bother to figure out the benefits and tax implications when comparing hourly rates).

      Also, I know I’ve found working with contractors a pain in the ass just because I needed to get the hours approved internally before I could ask them a question; it had nothing whatsoever to do with the contractors themselves.

    4. Junior Assistant Peon*

      I had this happen once. New coworker hired about ten years ago irritated the hell out of me at the time, but slowly grew on me and now we have a great relationship.

  4. Pastor Petty Labelle*

    OP – really listen to the part where this stopped 6 years ago. I highly doubt they just moved to another way of talking about you. If they are still approaching you for work, it means just that – they want to continue to work with you.

    Hold on to that piece. Because its really all that matters. It’s business, not personal. Purely transactional, they hire you to do the work, you do it and you get paid. End of relationship. They don’t have to like you personally.

    1. Butterfly Counter*

      Yeah.

      I know a lot of people are stubborn, but most people just change their minds when confronted with more information that doesn’t line up with their previous understandings. That’s what sounds like happened here to me. They changed their mind when presented with evidence that you were a good worker and person to be around.

    2. Bossy*

      Yep yep – OP doesn’t have to like them either. Listen I take everything as info. Then decide, do I think that opinion about me as valid and do I care to change x. Other than that, people can kick rocks. Not everyone has to personally like you just like you don’t have to personally like everyone just to work with them.

  5. Charlotte Lucas*

    More than once, I have had to defend someone outside my team/work unit, because other people either misunderstand their perspective/work style or are happy to throw “outsiders” under the bus. It could have also stopped because they had a blamestormer who has since left or moved off the projects.

    I had something similar happen to me, where my own boss set me up for taking the fall for an unpopular policy (I was new and had nothing to do with it except communicating it to others) then used the fact that people complained in my yearly review. Apparently, I was “condescending” – a word I have never seen on a review before or since. (And, believe me, I can be condescending when I feel like it – but only to match others’ attitude/energy.)

    1. Ama*

      Yes a few years back, I was allowed to hire a consultant to help with a project after the person who was supposed to run point on that project (who reported to me) left less than a month before things were about to really ramp up. I thought this person was very helpful – my boss constantly talked about her as if she should be doing more and was leaving too many of the decisions to me, despite me constantly saying the opposite.

      When we refilled the full-time position the new hire overlapped with the consultant a bit to smooth the handover and new hire, who had decades of experience in that area of consulting was also mystified by my boss’s problems with the consultant.

      I have since realized that my boss will never really understand how much work that particular type of project entails which is evidenced by the fact that she keeps restructuring the roles of the people in charge of that work, looking in vain for a way to do it faster and cheaper when we actually badly need more staff and budget to accomplish what she wants. I quit earlier this summer.

  6. Kay*

    This rings of complaints that I’ve experienced that may have been pointed at me, but it was really due to the inconveniences of having to serve the nature of my work tasks. When I was teaching computing skills, my classroom was the most demanding of IT services throughout the building… go figure. But of course it was just easier to peg me as a P.I.T.A.

    1. Charlotte Lucas*

      This! I work in communications. We have deadlines and approval processes for a reason! (In fact,when I read Murder Must Advertise recently, I knew exactly how the characters felt when they had to do a last-minute change to an ad!)

      1. bamcheeks*

        God I love that book. The mystery is COMPLETELY absurd, but I could read books about 1930s offices all day.

        1. Overthinking It*

          Oh, me too! I was recommending it just the other day to someone who had never read any mysteries from the golden age (or at least, was unaware that the golden age was a thing). Rereading some Mr. Campion mysteries now.

        3. I strive to Excel*

          I’d classify the triggering event to the mystery as mildly absurd but more realistic than might be initially guessed (trying to be super vague about spoilers). But I agree that the real stand-out was nailing the 1930s office. I think anyone who works in a client-based industry will identify with the rage induced by the Nutrax directors constantly coming in and unapproving things the prior dirctors had approved.

        4. Beany*

          I love that book, too. Apart from the actual mystery, I couldn’t get over one advertising scheme that had customers collect the parts for a plane (!?!) — an actual working persona vehicle — as free gifts with multiple purchases. Like a scaled-up cereal box gift. Or am I just misremembering that whole thing?

        5. Coverage Associate*

          I use sometimes Peter Death when someone asks for a name that doesn’t need a real one.

        6. Meera*

          I love the amazing irony of catching the villainous drug ring vs Peter’s advertising scheme triumph about collectible coupons in cigarette boxes.

        7. Derivative Poster*

          I hated when it switched from a chapter set in the office to a chapter set elsewhere because the office was always much more entertaining.

      2. londonedit*

        Yep, I’m sure some of my authors curse me behind my back, because I’m the one asking them to do this, that and the other and I’m the one chasing them for things and trying to make them stick to deadlines, and telling them they can’t have all the fancy bells and whistles they want for their book because that’s not how our processes work, and yes I do need their proof corrections TODAY or we’ll miss our press date. But that’s my job!

        1. Sloanicota*

          Yes, the fact that the client made it personal -speculating on OPs intelligence etc – when it’s really more of a professional type friction – does not speak highly of their maturity or judgement. I think you can disregard them more comfortably knowing this is how they’re choosing to operate.

      3. hiraeth*

        I have a deadline-driven content role too and I adore that book, it’s my favourite Wimsey novel ever and that’s saying something.

  7. Delta Delta*

    Adding to the chorus – think back to what you were working on with the company in 2018. Was it an especially difficult/contentious/whatever project? Were you in a position that you had to do something that was somehow against their internal grain? did you replace a longtime beloved person and they would have done it X way but you do it Y way?

    I think there’s a lot going on, and the fact they keep hiring you and you keep producing great results says more than some venting several years before. I also think you’d be wise to remain professional but also at arm’s-length, especially with the person who coined the rude nickname. And keep looking for other work out in the world – you can always replace this company if you find something better.

    1. Jellyfish Catcher*

      You’re naturally feeling reactive and hurt, but don’t change your communication, tone or relationship with that company right now. That would be an emotional decision, not a business decision, and this is business.

      The shock for you is now, but don’t react now – those comments were years earlier and they have clearly moved on to think you’re great. Take time to decide if this new info is relevant.
      Possibly see a therapist or a trusted mentor/friend, to break this surprise down and how to best decide to use it.

      If you decide to flex your style, do it gradually and subtly in a positive direction. You are clearly experienced and capable and you’ll be fine.

  8. Sunshine*

    I felt a ton of sympathy when you said that these terrible feelings feel like the right punishment for searching for your name. You don’t deserve punishment for that! If you were trying to find out what they say about you, this would be a lesson learned, but you still wouldn’t deserve a terrible punishment.

    But you weren’t even trying to do that! You were only looking for a piece of basic practical information! I’m really worried about you that you think you deserve punishment for this.

      2. Laser99*

        Does anyone else think the LW should screenshot all the venom and send it to the higher-ups? I would want to know if my employees were behaving like this.

        1. rebelwithmouseyhair*

          Given that it happened six years ago, no. The nasty comments died down, as presumably they realised that OP was not arrogant, simply confident of her very real ability, and that when she came across as a PITA she was actually digging her heels in over something that was important, that they hadn’t realised previously.

  9. Llama Lover*

    Alison didn’t address the search, so I will: I absolutely would have done the same search for the same reasons you did. If people are fully read in on who you are and how you’ll be helping, it would be weird to start with Step 0 and do a full intro and background. You did something I find common sense to do; they just suck at how they manage access to their tool and how they use it internally.

    1. jane's nemesis*

      Yes, and OP thought they only had access to ONE private channel. They had no way of knowing it would reveal results from the rest of the channels! There was NOTHING WRONG with doing the search.

  10. JP*

    I feel so much for you, OP. This sounds so meanhearted. Part of me would be so tempted to start signing off on emails with the nickname they used for you in hopes of making them uncomfortable and paranoid.

    The fact that they’ve continued to retain your services says a lot.

  11. Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.*

    Oof, I have nothing to concrete to add other than to say I’m sorry this happened and I know that these things hurt a lot. You have my sympathies and I hope you’re able to move on without dwelling on it too long!

    1. Sloanicota*

      It’s harder because in freelancing you ARE the whole company; maybe most of those comments would have been aimed at Acme Inc otherwise

  12. Sybil Writes*

    Oh, I feel for you. Alison is so right when she points out this appeared to end about 6 years ago. Who knows what the absolute truth is or whether it is even worth worrying about. I suspect it will be most important how you choose to FRAME this knowledge. 6 years ago a few things may have been true: you may have been more/less arrogant, confident, mature, poised, etc. (Weren’t we all?) It may also have been true that the client’s culture was more/less generous, bitchy, snarky, jealous, intimidated, mature, etc. Whatever it was, you seem to have built a strong, positive relationship both personally and professionally with this client. If you are going to reflect, try to reflect on the whole arc of the relationship over time. Rather than feel shame or beat yourself up, feel proud that you navigated the difficult waters of building a solid, mutually beneficial relationship over time. Relationships that last evolve over time. It is a testament to your skills and professionalism that this one has grown over a significant amount of time. Use the experience to remind yourself that it can be valuable to give a new person/client/vendor a bit of grace as you get to know each other. Whether you continue a relationship long-term or not, it is not useful to be unkind.
    I will just say that I try to put more weight on where I am today in any relationship than where we started off.
    Hold your head high – despite the real emotional blow (and I am so sorry for that) this episode is as much evidence of your success as anything else.

  13. londonedit*

    If they didn’t want to work with you, they wouldn’t keep giving you work. Believe me – in my job I often work with freelancers, and there absolutely have been people over the years who I’ve just stopped giving work to because they were too difficult to work with. There are a couple of people now who I still offer the occasional job to, but only if I can’t find anyone else, because I know they’re going to make a fuss about X and Y and I can’t be bothered dealing with it.

    But this client is continuing to give you regular work and they sound genuinely excited about working with you, so I’d put the 2018 stuff down to a bad period in time for them and try to move on. Of course, it’s going to be horrible seeing things like that written about you, but sometimes there absolutely can be a culture of venting about whatever or whoever is outside of the immediate process if something isn’t going well. I’ve been in situations where a book has been running late and we’ve had team ranting sessions about why doesn’t the bloody author realise that if they keep sending piecemeal corrections it’ll cause errors and their book will never be published, and so on. I’m sure none of our authors would want to see those conversations written down. And we don’t mean them outside the heat of the immediate frustration, anyway – but sometimes you just need a good ‘Aaaaargh I swear to god if this bloody person doesn’t do what I’ve asked them to I’m going to scream’ moment. I would be inclined to believe these messages by your client and their team are something similar – frustration in the moment – and not an ongoing resentment. They seem happy to work with you, and as Alison says, if something about what you read does strike a particular chord, then maybe you can use that to improve your general interactions with clients.

  14. Not on board*

    I’d like to join the chorus in saying look at the fact that in six years, there haven’t been any comments and the fact that they continue to hire you means you’re doing something right. It’s possible they hired other people and realized you are so much better and it’s shifted their attitude.

    They are, however, a bit moronic in not making sure that comments about you weren’t scrubbed before giving you access. This kind of stupidity would make me take every insult with a grain of salt.

  15. Charlotte Lucas*

    OP – Remember that a lot of the time mean comments say more about the commenter than about who they are commenting about.

    1. rebelwithmouseyhair*

      ooooh yes so much this, OP! I commented about my toxic boss and how he trashtalked women who stood up to his bullying. His nasty comments tell us that he is a nasty sexist, not that the women were arrogant and a PITA as he made out.

    1. Juneybug*

      That was my first thought.
      Or it could be a situation where our team worked with a PITA client and we used a fake name for her.

  17. Overthinking It*

    They didn’t like you, but on longer acquaintance, now they do: that’s a GOOD outcome! Much better than the reverse! The real lesson. to take here is to be more aware of how you come a ross to NEW clients, and perhaps other new acquaintances too.

  18. Tony Howard*

    I might also suggest you actively solicit feedback from the client at the end of the particular engagement. (“As a normal part of my continuing efforts to serve you better….blah, blah, blah”). Perhaps through an anonymous online survey , or maybe just with a few open ended questions to the principal and other key members of the team : what did I do well? What can I improve on? On a scale of 1-10 , how would you rate my ….listening and communication skills, cooperation and flexibility, etc.

    1. weelittlemaggie*

      This. I wouldn’t bring up what you saw, but if you’ve been working with this person (even if on and off) over years, you should have enough emotional safety with the principal to ask for real, constructive feedback.

      In the short-term, it will tell you if what you saw is a thing of the past (whether because of your own growth or theirs is immaterial) or if it’s still a concern.

      If you start making end-of-project feedback a regular part of your process, I guarantee it will be eye-opening for you. Just ridiculously helpful.

  19. Overthinking It*

    Didn’t like ’em, now they love ’em is a classic love story trope. Translate it to a workplace relationship and it’s still a “happily ever after.” (Well, as much as anything is, in workplace)

    1. workplaceausten*

      haha I like that. I don’t know if it helps the letter writer to imagine herself as Lizzy Bennet and the company as Mr Darcy xD

    2. Carrots*

      It feels like a known paradox. The more you like someone at first, the more annoying you will find them later. The more you dislike someone at first, the more you will come to admire, understand, and appreciate them later. I’ve had it happen over and over for me!!

  20. Stuart Foote*

    I understand this is hurtful, but most companies I have worked with have focused on building strong relationships with suppliers, vendors, contractors, etc, while at the same time complaining about those folks, sometimes in harsh terms. It is very natural to sometimes get frustrated with a company even if you generally like their work.

    Also, I am pretty sure that many of my bosses (and external stakeholders) have initially said unflattering things about me behind my back before we built a strong working relationship. It sucks the LW had to see this, but I’d be shocked if similar things haven’t been said about nearly everyone reading this–100% of people are not going to like you 100% of the time!

  21. essie*

    Early in my career, a vendor (with whom I had a close working relationship) told two coworkers that I was incredibly difficult to work with, and that I had no idea what I was doing. This was a complete shock to me, because the only feedback she’d ever given was that she absolutely loved working with me, and that I was a “massive improvement” to my department.
    A few months later, she brought on a new senior-level staffer. He was amazing and I adored working with him. So I was shocked when she pulled me aside and badmouthed him super harshly – her own staff! And then it hit me: she never, ever took responsibility for her mistakes; she just always threw the most vulnerable (new, young, outsider) under the bus. So maybe that’s what’s going on here. If OP was an outsider and relatively new, it would be super easy to blame them for anything going wrong. Maybe that’s not the case, but I think it’s a very plausible answer.

    1. Paint N Drip*

      I hope OP reads this. As illogical as it is, this approach is NOT uncommon! If you’re a straightforward person who values clarity, it is SO baffling to deal with people like this. Their criticisms are never truly about the other person.

  22. R*

    THIS! If you ask for feedback regularly, then you don’t have to guess how they “really” feel about working with you now. (If you ALREADY do this, then you have much better and more recent data than these comments from 6-7 years ago – trust it!) If you have ongoing fears about how you come across, more regular bites of actual data can be so grounding.

  23. All het up about it*

    This sucks!

    BUT what struck me was If I had known this client had problems with my work or my attitude, I would have tried to correct or improve those things. Have you thought OP that maybe you HAVE improved those things and that’s part of why they keep working with you for SIX YEARS? Especially if these are things that you’ve worried about, so perhaps you’ve worked on them and they aren’t an issue at all anymore.

    It’s true that you can’t unknow what you know, so you’ve got to let it simmer for awhile and think on it. Perhaps you just aren’t comfortable working with this team in the future. Maybe you want to talk to the principal about it after the current project wraps up, or who knows before.

    The one thing I would recommend not doing is deciding not to work with them because your doubts and fears are telling you that you are lazy and not very bright. If possible maybe think of this as a time when actions speak louder than words. You certainly aren’t the only consultant out there. If they’ve continued to pursue your work for so long, there’s a reason.

    2. rebelwithmouseyhair*

      yes, the “not very bright” comment was maybe because noob OP asked about a certain detail that seemed obvious to everyone else to the point they hadn’t bothered to fill her in on it. Once she had been brought up to speed, she was able to show how smart she really is.

  24. dulcinea47*

    You did a search for the right reasons. It is not punishment and you don’t deserve to be punished for anything, nor should you be ashamed. Repeat this to yourself until it sticks. What they said about you in the past and what you should do about it is a separate issue.

  25. Spicy Tuna*

    FWIW, I don’t think OP did anything wrong by searching for his/her/their name on the chat. It absolutely could be relevant. It’s not like snooping in your partner’s phone. It’s a group chat about work. Frankly, the complaints about OP shouldn’t have been in that forum.

  26. Ally McBeal*

    I once took over the email inbox of my manager after she resigned, and found an email from our IT person saying some very mean/insulting things about me, mostly about how I was stupid and wasn’t likely to succeed in my role. I had always been more computer-literate than many of my peers and had previously enjoyed collegial (if not outright friendly) relationships with IT teams, so I was a bit distressed he seemed to hate me so much – he’d been a bit cold in person but this email was pretty stark. My boss had defended me, pointing out that I was so new to the company and to the industry that I probably WAS going to have a learning curve.

    I’m glad that I found that email early on, because I made sure to kill that IT guy with kindness and also worked hard to understand the industry. Turns out the IT guy was just a massive grump who liked very few people at the company. He’s no longer in an IT role at all and I hope he’s happier now.

    1. mrs__peel*

      I’ve worked with a few guys like this who just had massive issues with women, and who were particularly resentful of any smart, capable women with expertise in subject matter that they considered *their* personal territory.

      1. Ally McBeal*

        Well, I don’t think this guy had an issue with women – at least not any more than the average dude. He had just been in the industry for quite a while (moving from the core role of our company/industry to an IT role) and had no patience for people who didn’t have similar levels of knowledge. However, I was in an admin/marketing role, which is as tangential to our core role as IT is, and didn’t NEED to have the same level of knowledge that he had needed when he was working in our core function. I think he was just arrogant, period, irrespective of who he was talking to.

  27. Specks*

    OP, I know this stings horribly, but I truly think their conversations say so much more about them than about you. What a toxic, toxic place, and what a toxic group of people!

    I can’t imagine saying nasty things like that about anyone at work… There’s nothing wrong with sharing frustrations about someone’s repeated under-performance (if you have no control over it), but if what you described is what they said and not your interpretations, the things they said weren’t constructive, they were deeply nasty and personal attacks so of course it made you feel horrible to read it. You did not deserve this, period — nobody does — and you certainly didn’t bring this on yourself by searching for your name. Even more importantly, if that’s the way they actually felt about you, the fact that they kept hiring you and never gave you feedback shows just how dysfunctional the place is. The syrupy “family” rhetoric to cover all the toxicity up is really par for the course.

    So, what do you do? Yes, read it and learn about yourself, as Alison suggested, but even more importantly, read it and learn about them. Know that you’re working with a complete toxic waste dump of a company, that they will not provide you honest feedback, and that they will throw you under the bus at least internally. Basically, place zero trust in them. Now, you may process all this and decide that the work itself is rewarding enough (financially or intellectually) to stick with it; that’s a totally legitimate choice and you just proceed in working with them while knowing it’s a nest of vipers and protecting yourself accordingly. Or you may decide that it’s not worth the stress for you and extricate yourself after this project (or sooner), and find other projects to fill your time. Please try to take your time to let this settle before you decide and good luck.

  28. Hamster Manager*

    The cool thing about freelance is that you do not have to care about this. Yes, that sort of thing is awful to hear! But you’re not tied to these people like you would be if you were a full-time employee. You’re not part of their ‘work family’. You can get space or leave whenever you want.

    Take comfort in that, and also in the fact that their opinions have obviously changed, or they wouldn’t be behaving like they are now (praising you, offering you consistent work). Trust me, freelancers who are really pains in the butt get passed over very quickly.

  29. ChattyDelle*

    Oh OP my heart hurts for you.I would be absolutely devastated in your position. I understand hurt you’re feeling!
    As everyone else has said, please remind yourself that these comments are from *6* years ago and the company has continued to give you work, so whatever they thought 6 yrs ago, they don’t think it now.
    I know it’s hard to erase the nasty stuff from your mind, but please try to focus on the present – and they’re seeking you out. so they obviously think highly of you and your work.

  30. Jake*

    OP, You don’t deserve to feel bad for searching for your name for a completely innocent reason. You don’t need to feel like this is your just deserts for doing that. You’re search was perfectly reasonable given the info you knew at the time.

    I’m an estimator, so I come up with pricing for a living. The very first thing at the top of my mind when I hear this is it is time to slowly raise your rates/bids to this client. You’ll quickly find out what their real attitude is.

  31. Beartree*

    “maybe they got more experience working with consultants and realized that Normal Thing X that annoyed them is completely standard in the field” – this is legit. Clients do not always understand how things work and then get mad about things that are totally normal. I have a client right now who is mad that they have to pay for the time I put into working on their account. They have said that they don’t want to pay for the time it takes to figure out what broke on their website, only the time it takes to fix it. They also told me that they don’t think they should have to pay for anything they didn’t break themselves, even though sometimes, things just break (especially if you haven’t done maintenance in 6 years).

    The client keeps coming back to you so you’re are definitely doing something right. It sucks they were so mean and you had to see those things, but remind yourself that there are other consultants who do what you do, yet they keep coming back to you.

  32. Debby*

    I have also experienced this, but maybe in a slightly different way. I was hired to replace a much beloved employee, and all of the clients loved her. Of course, I was constantly and unfavorable compared to her-she could jump higher and faster etc. type of thing. But, after awhile, it changed and the clients did a complete 180. So, OP, it may have been something like that too. You may have replaced someone who they were used to working with, and it just took them awhile to realize that you were just as good (or even better)! We humans can get used to the way things are being done and do not always like change :)

  33. Sparkles McFadden*

    I know it’s hurtful to read these remarks, but this was likely a situation where someone was looking to apportion blame, or vent about the fact that you said no to some impossible request. It helps to look at things through a different lens:

    – Difficult to work with/Pain in the ass – Relates facts that I don’t want to hear.
    – Arrogant – Doesn’t automatically agree with everything I say. Has knowledge that I don’t have.
    – Lazy – Won’t work 24 hours straight to deal with last minute problems created by other people.
    – Not very bright – Couldn’t read my mind and magically do what I wanted.

    Yes, you should examine your behavior in working with this client, but you’ve already done that. What you saw was from many years ago and you’re assuming they moved the venting about you offline. It’s far more likely they came to understand your value and stopped acting like petulant children.

      1. Allie*

        Hard same! These interpretations are *100 percent* the way a former client viewed our team, including one of the most competent bosses I’ve ever had the luck to work for.

  34. Rick*

    It looks like when you first worked together in 2017, they misjudged you and they should have kept your name out of the public forum if they were venting. Fast forward seven years later, they were wrong about you and they know it too. The proof is those same people ate eating their words and rewarding you.

  35. Exit Pursued by a Bear*

    This sounds like a horrible position to be in.

    One thing that might be worth thinking about is whether the complaints you read were about things you did, or about you as a person? Specifically, are they complaining about some aspect of your work, or the service you provide, or are they just name calling and being mean?

    Perhaps imagine they were saying these things about someone else, to you. Would you see it as useful information about that other person? Or would your instinct be that they were being unkind, and it says more about them than the subject of the comments?

    It sounds from your letter, like they might be leaning towards them being mean – I didn’t see you give any examples of them calling out specific things you did, and I’m really struggling to think of circumstances where I think giving someone an unflattering nickname behind there back wouldn’t be an unkind thing to do.

    It’s entirely possible they are just mean people, or the culture encourages mean behaviour, and you don’t want to put too much weight on feedback from people willing to badmouth you behind your back, while never giving you any indication that they aren’t happy to your face.

  36. Rex Libris*

    The nature of the comments described, the way they dropped off, and the fact that the company is still working with the OP all implies to me that some project went off the rails, over budget or over deadline at some point, and somebody took the traditional out of throwing the consultant under the bus, then it was all forgotten about after everything died down.

  37. librarian*

    this is like… actually my worst nightmare. I physically recoiled while reading this. I’m so sorry this happened and I have no advice.

  38. Anonymel*

    OP, that had to hurt. I found an old online live journal someone had written HORRID things about me in many years ago. I mean, wishing I was dead, etc… But, that was a different time, and we were both different people. Over the intervening years, we developed a friendship and are very close now. The person/people who wrote those things about you aren’t necessarily the same people today. You’ve all grown, changed, developed an ongoing professional relationship that supersedes those years old words. Take comfort in that. I’m sorry you’re hurting right now though.

  39. anonymouse*

    I was a freelancer for many years and almost never got any feedback on my work, good or bad. I finally realized that the only feedback that mattered was that if they kept giving me work, that meant they liked my work. So, they obviously like your work. And isn’t that what matters? You don’t need them to be your friends, you need them to pay you money, that is the relationship here, fundamentally.

  40. MissMeghan*

    “either my client shifted the way they used the platform, moved the talk to DMs, or deleted content”. I’ll give you another option, or something happened that shifted their view of you. It’s a really long time ago so you may not remember. Could it have been you’d only communicated via email and when they met you in person you were able to build a rapport? Did you learn anything about yourself that shifted the way you interacted with your client? Did they get out of a difficult/busy period and see you differently when they were less stressed?

    I think the fact that the talk stopped (and the fact that they keep working with you!) means much more than very old griping. Of course it hurts to hear, but it doesn’t reflect your relationship with them now. I do disagree with other commenters saying this means they must be unpleasant, passive-aggressive people. I’ve never met a single person in the work force who hasn’t at some point complained about the work another person is doing. We’ve all done it, and the current relationship is the thing to focus on.

    1. Expelliarmus*

      It sounds like they turned to personal insults too, which kind of lends itself to the belief that they are unpleasant and passive-aggressive. That said, the current relationship is indeed the thing to focus on.

  41. Synaptically Unique*

    I’ve worked with people over the years who were easier or harder to work with at various points. Some of the relationships have gotten pretty contentious and then improved substantially for different reasons. And I really keep going back on this one to the amount of time that’s passed.
    Have you ever said something about a colleague that you would feel bad for them to hear/see? We all have. Difference here is only that you saw it, unintentionally on all sides.
    I get that this stings, but it was a long time ago and everything since then points to a strong relationship. I wouldn’t let this destroy that relationship.

  42. Anonosaurus*

    ugh OP this is a tough one for you

    many years ago when I was just starting out as a project manager, an internal client of my team left me a voicemail but failed to hang up the phone and therefore recorded a long rant about me and my team and how rubbish we were and difficult to work with etc. he obviously realised he had done this because he spoke to me about it and I was curt but we moved forward. I was very inexperienced then and if this happened now I would take it as an invitation to have an honest (while still appropriate) conversation about our working relationship and mutual expectations which would actually have been more constructive. I was too insecure about my own management abilities to do that at the time. I mentioned this to say that it might well be the case that this client team has moved on from having those feelings about you, and/or they were not all genuine negative feelings, but I agree with Alison that there could be a real growth opportunity for you in considering whether you might benefit from taking any of it on board if it is consistent with other data. it very well may not be but in your shoes I would want to reflect on that because ultimately it could lead to improvements in other relationships as well.

    to slightly contradict myself I am also conscious of people who I have vented about in the past who probably weren’t all that bad but who had triggered my feelings about the work situation more generally or (and I am rightly embarrassed about this) gave me an opportunity to make fun of them so that I could get the enjoyment of being the person who made my team laugh. it might be that you simply came across someone like past me in which case I assure you, you are not the problem.

  43. Addison DeWitt*

    The reality of being a freelancer is that you will be hung out to dry eventually. I worked for years for a tech client, but eventually they expressed dissatisfaction with the things I wrote not being accurate enough. Yes, that’s why I show them to you and you tell me what’s off about it. If you just go “well, that’s wrong, I better just fix it myself,” then yes, I’ll never know how to get closer to the mark. If that sounds like me complaining life isn’t fair, it’s not– it’s me saying the client had an opportunity to follow the process and have me solve it for them, all included in the price, but they never did.

  44. Education Mike*

    Here’s an experience I have had on the other side of things: I joined a team that worked with internal customers. I needed to work with one particular program manager on a project. She came to my site for a day. In the lead up to that, all I heard from my team was how difficult “Annie” was – that she was a bully, too bossy, tried to take over things that were our purview, had created bad relationships between our team and other clients. I went in cautious but open-minded. Turned out Annie was overworked, underpaid, and was very detail-oriented in a department that liked to steamroll over things. She and I ended up developing a great working relationship. When my team would start to sneer about Annie, I could say, “I actually found her pleasant to work with. I think she’s dealing with a lot of stress. I think we can probably help alleviate some of that if we listen to her.” By the time Annie left a couple years later, our team was at least cautiously more open to working with her.

    So maybe you got off on the wrong foot, not through any fault of your own, and it was something they needed to work through on their end to reframe how they were approaching things. As Alison said, maybe they saw your work and your work style in a new light and realized they were the house full of bees (or something less than that…a shed of bees? An old stump of bees?)

  45. justcurious18338021*

    I am asking this because I might have missed something, but if they are long running clients and you interact with them, is there a reason why Allison/commenters haven’t recommended just having a conversation about it? I’m not saying be mean-spirited or yell at them, but I genuinely want to understand why having a constructive conversation about it isn’t an option? As in “hey, didn’t want to duplicate an intro and found this, is this something we should address”? Is it just due to length of time?

    1. Saturday*

      I think the length of time is a big factor. It would necessarily be an awkward conversation (they almost certainly never expected the LW to see their comments), and while an awkward conversation in some instances might be worth it, awkwardness is probably going to outweigh helpfulness when bringing up comments from six years ago.

      I think it would be better to watch for signs they may still feel the same way they did. But since they obviously feel that working with the LW is beneficial, I think just ignoring the comments (to the extent possible) is also a reasonable option.

  46. Sparkling PITA - OP*

    OP here — I’m so glad Alison took my question!

    I’m definitely taking this opportunity to reflect on my work more broadly, and trying to stay curious about where this team’s criticisms were coming from (even if they were poorly put or hyperbolic). I’ve been in my field for about 20 years now and have never received any negative or even constructive feedback that comes anywhere close to this kind of thing, but it’s still something I’m going to stay on alert for.

    Responding to a couple of things I’ve seen in the comments:

    – I’m absolutely certain the chat was about me specifically
    – I’m very grateful to folks who said they would have also done a name-search to catch up with a work chat
    – I agree that the “vote with their money” aspect is a strong point for the column of: even if they disliked me at first, they either came to like me more or decided the quality of my work was worth the hassle.
    – But even then: at one point in the chat, one of the clients expressed suspicion that I committed a violation of professional ethics. I absolutely did not; the suspicion is rooted in vibes alone and is part of a larger pile-on. The client never brought that suspicion up with me (if it had been me in their shoes, I would have had a conversation with me immediately and likely decided not to risk working with me further just to be on the safe side).

    In the course of making my discovery, I also saw the team make hurtful remarks about other consultants — consultants I know they continue to work with today. It makes the piling on to me feel less personal, but I feel terrible for/about the other consultants, too. Our work can be highly sensitive and creative, and requires mutual trust/respect between client and consultant. If the work were of a more impersonal nature, it would be a lot easier to just let these old comments roll off my back and keep cashing their checks.

    1. Not Tom, Just Petty*

      Keep it as a data point for your relationship with the company, but tell yourself, “what people think of me is none of my business.” It helps me process when I hear something I wish I hadn’t.

    2. Socks*

      Sounds to me like the company has or had a culture of throwing consultants under the bus. It sucks but (as mentioned in other comments) is unfortunately common! The stuff they wrote almost certainly says more about them than it does about you

    3. Happy Camper*

      I have a colleague who says AWFUL about coworkers when projects go sideways. For example this morning she called a support person a “f*cking cow-*. Why? They were on vacation and she now needed to go to another support person. Some people say horrible things when they are stressed and normal hiccups happen. Just giving you another data point to not take it too much to heart.

    4. Some Internet Rando*

      So glad you saw that this was not personal to you… its just a group of people who enjoy nasty piling on. How gross!

    5. New Jack Karyn*

      I suspect there was some kind of change there. Like, they had a series of trainings on professional behavior, a new VP came in and focused on fixing toxicity, something like that.

      We all laugh about useless workplace trainings, but sometimes we all need a reminder of what’s not okay. If it did happen, it might take only 2-3 people saying, “Hey, let’s all try to lower the heat on how we talk.” They try it for a week, and turns out that the practice actually does reduce their nonsense.

  47. TheBunny*

    Contractors come with a whole set of different rules and expectations that can really annoy people on an existing team.

    I would look at what was said, assess if any of it is valid, remember that it was 6 years ago, and focus on putting this behind you.

  48. Festively Dressed Earl*

    Another possibility – the employee or employees who initially instigated the pile-ons may no longer be at the company, considering that 6 years have passed with no other complaints. Toxic-but-funny people have a way of sucking other people in to their smack-talk parties, and then the participants exaggerate or say things they don’t mean because they’re caught up in bonding, not thinking about bullying. Adults shouldn’t get caught up in it but they do, even in professional situations, and when it’s time to clean up the culture the toxic jokers are the first ones out the door.

  49. Sindy*

    If they were new to professional life at the time that they wrote it or just unfamiliar with technology, they also may not have known not to write that stuff down. I had moments regarding some mean comments I made but didn’t realize it wasn’t okay to make those in the environment I was in. While it still hurts and is nasty to read, it could also be that they were just being idiots and don’t believe in that stuff anymore or have realized it was wrong to say.

  50. Fiachra*

    LW’s reason for self-searching was perfectly innocent, so I feel the need to insist that none of the resulting hurt feelings are deserved in any way. I agree with the many other repliers in pointing out there are many possible scenarios where those things were said but not really meant.

    BUT, for each individual who said those things on a workplace IM system it’s an indictment of their professionalism. For it to go so far as making up a mean nickname for a freelancer they work with, it’s an indictment of the work culture of that team. Regardless if LW decides to take it personally or not, this is one factor among many to keep in mind when deciding to work with them in future. It SHOULD count against them, no matter if it was venting or internal politics or instigated by a former employee or whatever.

  51. Some Internet Rando*

    If I read this correctly it sounds like the comments died off but there still may be occasional comments more recently than 6 years?

    This is also my worst fear – that people who seem to like me to my face secretly hate me.

    I know continued searching is probably a bad idea, but I would be curious if they make similar comments about other people around that time or in that group. I would bet this isnt personal to you… but you are only seeing the bad comments about yourself. I would bet this is a group of people who were making nasty comments about everyone and feeding off it.

    So sorry you are dealing with this.

    I notice no one recommended confronting the writer about this… but I also wonder if it would be worth doing?

    1. rebelwithmouseyhair*

      There’s no point saying “I saw you called me an arrogant lazy PITA six years ago”.

  52. Raida*

    Once I’d worked through all my emotions on this, I’d tell my direct contact “Hey, did you know adding a contractor to a channel gives them this much access? Just wanted you to know in case this isn’t the setup you expected.”

    and if they ask how I figured it out (unlikely) I’d just tell them
    “Well I searched my name to find out if the team knew I’d be coming on, so that I could either introduce myself properly or simply jump right into the project. Turns out I can see every instance of my name in the chat system, or maybe just not private channels? Nice to see that in 2018 was the last time I was called a lazy, arrogant, bitchymcbitchface, stupid pain in the arse! But probably I’m not supposed to be able to access those chat channels, eh.”

    But ONLY once I wasn’t gonna choke up saying it, and I could deliver it with the correct tone of “aren’t YOU embarassed”

  53. rebelwithmouseyhair*

    OP I really feel for you, that must have been so painful to read.
    If it helps, I have seen similar from a different viewpoint, that of humble employee overhearing the boss trashtalking about his clients and contract workers.
    I remember one translator in particular. She was a top-rate worker, providing flawless work, never missing a deadline, always answering emails promptly. She was also, according to the boss, a PITA because she wouldn’t ever budge when he tried to bully her into lowering her rates. She was slightly more expensive than the other translators we worked with in her language pair, but given the stellar work she produced, it was more than justified. There was also an element of sexism because the male boss couldn’t stand it when a female worker stood up to him.
    I’m totally imagining that you are that translator, and if so, you have nothing to worry about, you are a top-flight professional and he should be grateful that you take on his jobs because nobody else provides as good a service as you.

    1. rebelwithmouseyhair*

      Yes, he called that translator arrogant too, when in fact she was merely self-confident. Since he loved to exploit imposter syndrome or whatever doubts or weaknesses his employees and vendors might have, that self-confidence was a damn nuisance, he couldn’t bully or manipulate her because of it.

  54. Not the class clown*

    Is there any possibility they could’ve been talking about a different consultant with the same name, one who only worked with them in 2017/2018?

  55. Nica*

    I would lose some respect for the company for putting that kind of talk into an archived, online forum. But, ultimately, they still keep hiring you, so regardless of their feelings the must still be satisfied with your work. As much as it will likely linger in your brain, you need to “put it in the archives” so to speak and just keep looking forward!

    And, sometimes these words are just spoken out of frustration with a project, a situation, etc. and you were the convenient target.

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